I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Just off the phone with my son. 9 month old granddaughter has diarrhea. Can’t go back to daycare for 24 hrs. Can I keep her tomorrow? Other Grandma on standby for Friday if needed.
I guess this is the kind of Nana duty (could be a yucky day) we do if we want to when needed.
now I’m not at all implying that this could happen or will happen in your family if you constantly say yes.......
this is a cautionary tale....this is what happened because my MIL wouldnt say no and establish boundaries. For years my BIL & his wife relied on her every time they needed a babysitter. So there was MIL, mid 60s and still working full time M-F 8-5, and then babysitting until as late as midnight. There were constant battles. They were always upset with MIL or her partner over something stupid. They would stop talking to her for months BUT continue to make her babysit. Why she tolerated that, I will never know. Seems like a form of emotional abuse but what do I know? Then MIL retired and now she had him all day when school was out. Poor kid was bored being with older people all day, including one who was constantly short of breath and sicker than anyone realized. He’s a difficult child, an only child, very intelligent but very emotional. MIL didn’t particularly enjoy all the babysitting because it went from a few hours every week night to overnights on the weekend—and not because my BIL and his wife were working either. Then it was all day during winter, spring and summer break and again sleepovers on the weekend. The last summer she watched him, as she entering end stage IPF unbeknownst to anyone, was a difficult one. I don’t recall what started it all but her and my nephew got in to it and he reacted by physically assaulting her, he hit her. This set her partner off. He went off on my nephew. Nephew went home that night feeling horribly guilty and thinking his grandparents hated him. There was another incident soon after where MILs partner was the he hit. One day when my SIL and her kids were there, there was another blow up. He was being difficult and fighting with my other nephew and MIL lost her patience and told him as much, said she didn’t understand why he had to be so difficult all the time and why he couldn’t get along with anyone. He responded by saying something about how he didn’t want to be there. And she responded by she didn’t really want him there either. It was bad. And she did apologize to him for that remark but he was pretty upset. My MIL was also a very opinionated woman and gave my BIL and his wife parenting advice they didn’t ask for and they didn’t like it. And it often resulted in anger and the silent treatment. My SIL would walk in to the house to pick up my nephew and she wouldn’t say a word to my MIL. They’d get over it and start talking to her again and then.... Rinse, lather, repeat. She’d Make them mad again and the silent treatment started again! Anyway, my BILs wife used to constantly tell me how upset my nephew would be over everything yet she never did anything to change the situation. Myself and other family members kept encouraging them to make other child care arrangements, FOR THE CHILDS SAKE and they wouldn’t do it. We tried telling them that he’s over there too much and all these problems are affecting his relationship with his grandparents and for what? Why put him through that? Why put MIL through that? But... they didn’t listen, they continued to dump him on MIL. Every time something happened, I would tell her to step back and stop using MIL as her babysitter. She wouldn’t do it. They wouldn’t do. it all came to down to the fact that she would have to stop working so late and start picking her son up from the after school latch key program at 6, and then take him home and be a parent. She didn’t want to do that. My BIL worked 2nd shift at that time and couldn’t switch shifts. So this awful cycle continued until she went on hospice for the last 3 months of her life. They all did my nephew no favors. I wish my MIL would have learned to say no. It wasn’t worth the heartache.
I would hate see something like this happen to you. You will get tired of all the babysitting. Yes you can send the kids home but......not when you are ready. It’ll be when DD is done stepping and fetching. When her break from the kids is over. What i’m Trying to say is, if you give her and inch and she takes a mile, you could end up dreading having to watch the grandkids. Believe me, I’ve got 2 kids under 12. Ages 2-4 were the absolute worst. That stage passes and it’s on to the next but still. The older they get, the easier they are to handle.
Dorker sounds like she has a good plan for the inevitable babysitting requests so DD can do Granny steppinfetchillaxin. Dorker is already seeing those grandkids a lot, so she can just say, "It's already been twice this week" or whatever. I stopped asking my parents to babysit my youngest son (very early walker) when we came home from another son's swim meet one day and they looked beat. My mother told me how they didn't have the energy, and so I made that the end of babysitting him, for the most part. Dorker, tell your DD it's very difficult to watch twin 2-year-olds. That should put an end to any babysitting requests for her MIL steppinandfetchillaxin pursuits.
I know that myself and younger brother were routinely shipped off the day summer started each year, out of school, time to go spend the summer out of state at granny's. I wish I'd of asked her before she went to her hereafter .. what were her thoughts on that as a set up. We'd spend the entire summer there, only to return home, the week before school resumed.
For the most part, here .. it's modulated pretty healthily..
DD seems to have an awareness .. and maybe a keen sense ... when I've had enough and am tired, and stays away. For instance this past weekend, .. as a rule we get together every Sunday . they come enjoy some swimming and we grill out. This past Sunday she asked me, . .oh about the end of the week, .. "are we planning to grill out on Sunday or are you taking the day off from cooking?". I opted for the latter. Just yesterday, she took the boy twin . and I had her 5 yo daughter and the two yo twin girl for the afternoon. Then, time for her to come retrieve her daughters .. her son in tow .. her son . the 2 yo twin ... seems to have a real affinity for nana (me) .. the 2 yo twin . she has an affinity for her mom and only her mom .. not even her dad . .she's attached to her mom's hip and any other setting . .she's usually not happy. The boy twin, ... he seems to really really love his nana .. and wanna be right on my side .. and so DD showed up here, son in tow . to get the daughters. The 2 yo son .. attached to me . and didn't wanna let go ..
It would've been tempting to ask of her, .. "Hey why don't you let him stay the night here". She'd of been agreeable .. but I was tired . .and so didn't offer that. It made him sad to leave .. he cried .. didn't wanna go .. wanted to stay here.
For the most part it all gets modulated pretty well. I am able to say when I've had enough . and it's understood and at times, . it's just kinda intrinsically picked up on, sensed .. and so .. it's not even asked.
As lizzywho put it, .. there's enough that g'ma gets called upon .. usually .. that's just normal helping out stuff . .and stuff that's really kinda .. more crucial . that you do agree . to step up and be a help. Spinning plates and whirligigs would just be over the top .. I'd end up being the g'ma that WorriedinCali described .. always . the kids here .. always. I'm not interested in being that g'ma.
Interesting "other" little side issue that crops up. SIL .. always always .. and always .. coming up with things that need done/doing ..
YD is at present, driving the MIL car. It has not been bequeathed to her .. her own car . out of commission with some problems that need repair. A car sitting in MIL's garage not being driven .. and so .. she asked of her aunt . and her dad .. "would it be okay . until I get my car fixed, . can I drive granny's car".
Neither saw any problem with it, and so . that is YD's mode of transport for the moment, the 2003 Toyota Camry belonging to MIL.
Fast forward a few days into that as a setup. I get a text .. me . not DH . not YD .. me! Text from SIL.
SIL: "with YD driving mom's car, . probably need to let her know, it's due for an oil change . she might wanna go get it in for an oil change".
Me responding: "That's a good idea, .. maybe go ahead and text YD and let her know".
Never heard anything more of it.
Fast forward another couple of days. Text from SIL again on the above.
SIL: "Do you know if YD has seen about an oil change for mom's car".
Me: "No I don't know .. I'm guessing you told her, so it's on her radar . she's generally pretty responsible about such".
Nothing more said.
YD then comes in from work, and I mention to her, the following:
Me: "Oh hey .. your aunt think that granny's car needs an oil change . might wanna get that looked into".
YD: "I know she texted me the other day . I told her, . it says on the little sticker on the windshield . there's about 2500 miles to go before it's due an oil change, so I'm already aware of that, and had looked at that little sticker and the mileage on the car .. it's not due at this time . still has some miles to go before it's due".
As far as I'm concerned now (oh and btw, someone who only knows .. as to autos . you put gas in them .. they go .. that's about the sum of my knowledge on cars .. how they work, what makes them work . lost on me). So as far as I'm concerned that issue is done/dealt with. YD aware ..
So now fast forward another couple of days . .another text from SIL.
SIL: Do you know . is YD driving mom's car .. has she seen about an oil change, it's probably due for one .. I know the last time I had it done was probably a year or more ago .. ".
DH happened to be in the room as this text arrived on my phone ..
Me asking of DH: "Your sister is saying that the MIL car needs an oil change . and since YD is driving it . maybe she should see to that, but I asked her about it and she said the sticker on the windshield allows another 2000 or so miles before that has to be done .. but your sister seems to be of the ilk . it hasn't been changed in a year .. and so .. the "time" is the factor . not the "miles", . what say you?"
DH: "it's never about the "time" .. oil has sat in the ground for hundreds of thousands of years . it's about the "use" the miles . not about the "time" .. well, unless .. I mean if the car has sat unused for like 3 years or something . then yea . but . I mean the car sat in mom's garage for what like 4 or 5 months while they were in IL . then they arrive here and SIL drives the car daily . for the few months they were here . and so .. it should be fine .. that's just my dumbazz sister coming up with chit to do .. it's not about the "time", it's about how much it's been driven, how many miles, the usage".
So I fire that text back at SIL now: "Was just mentioning that to DH, SIL . and he says it's not about the "time" . it's about the usage .. and YD already noted that the mileage indicates another 2000 or so miles before an oil change is due . so . as of right this moment, since my knowledge of autos is about zilch .. I am exiting any further dialogue on this topic"
SIL: "I know here . they recommend that you do it . but maybe that's because of the extreme temperature variations here . it can get down below zero at times here . and then . in the summer, just like ya'll . way up into the 90's .. maybe it has to do with the wide swing of variation of temperature extremes but that's what's recommended here".
ME: "Well I've never had an auto that sits unused .. so I wouldn't know .. my cars get driven .. and so . at the 3K mark or whatever it is . I'm in there getting an oil change . as has YD done with her own car . that gets driven . I really don't know . you'll have to take it up with someone that knows autos .. I don't know . your brother says it's not about the "time" .. it's about the "use" and he damn sure knows more about autos and how they work than I ever will, take it up with him.
Haven't heard anymore on it. Don't intend to answer that bell any further, I'm not the one driving it, I know little to nothing about cars and how they work and what's needed or not needed. Exiting that conversation.
And on my dad's front (I will admit, last night . I broke down in tears . and just had myself a good cry .. just because it seems like I'm nibbled to death by baby ducks . at every turn . of need/want/whim . and ridiculous at times . incessant non stop . pulling/tugging at me).
That conversation with my dad ..
He emailed me yesterday afternoon. This because
We'd gone to see the Pulmonary doc a day or so ago. In that setting, he was asked by the Pulmonary doc .. "so have you met yet with the Oncologist, had a PET scan?".
Dad: "No . the appt with the Oncologist is next week"
MD: "So you haven't seen them yet, have they sent you yet for a PET scan"
Dad: "No, I assume that will transpire as a result of next week's appt with the Oncologist" (he's accurate)
MD looking at chart on laptop . kinda quizzical and says the following: "hmm . okay . well I'm surprised that hasn't been done yet . kinda critical that gets done .. and I'll give you guys my card, . if you would . make sure that we get a copy of the results of that test when it's done. So you'll be setting that up when you see the Oncologists next week?".
Dad looking at me for verification since in truth . I was really more on that front . than he ever was: Is that right Dorker, isn't that how it's gonna go?".
Me: "that's right . I talked to the Oncologist while dad was hospitalized . and I was told there'd be an appt with her office, at such time, a PET scan would be ordered.
ME: "Okay . well just make sure that gets done and get us a copy if you can".
On she goes . the MD to talk of other aspects as to dad's issues a PFT she wants him to have .. as to his breathing and getting that set up . that someone will contact him once the referral is complete . and there will be an appt set up for the PFT (pulmonary function test, breathing test).
She goes on and talks about other aspects of the whole scene that is his care . and the appt is finished. She talks that they will need to see him again, after the PFT to review the results of said test . and so schedule another appt on the way out when you check out.
Off we go . check out, get another appt set with the Pulmonary docs . as to being seen again once the PFT is done . which we don't yet know when that will be, .. have to have a referral . and . then schedule the above . but an appt set for end of August for them to see him again, for the results of the PFT we assume will have transpired by that point.
So fine, off we go.
We get back to dad's house .. K there. That's when . dad gets a phone call . obvious from hearing what's being said by him (I can't hear what the caller is saying) that someone is contacting him as to setting up an appt for something, a procedure, test, something.
He gets off the phone and says: "that was so and so hospital group . they're trying to get it set up for me to get that PET scan . in advance of next week's appt with Dr. J (Oncologist)".
Of course, .. I know . and he knows . his wife knows nothing of any upcoming visit with an Oncologist . or cancer dx .. she is in the dark on that. I know that, he knows that.
And he says out loud, ... "they're trying to get me set up with an appt to get that PET scan in advance of next week's appt with Dr. J.".
Now I know who Dr. J is .. he knows who Dr. J is .. K does not .. K knows nothing of any need for a PET scan . or such things.
I was actually kinda surprised that he'd come out with that particular statement out loud . knowing his wife knows nothing of the above dilemma hanging in the air .. it surprised me . I'd of thought that he'd lie about whatever that was, rather than come right out with that, which could .. and SHOULD . prompt a bunch of questions from his wife.
It didn't . it flew right past her . he probably could've left that hanging there with no further dialogue on it . because it didn't register with her . at all, she said not a word.
I guess when she didn't register what was just said, he then decided to throw it out there .. and just kinda lightly touch on . and make it known ... to her .. he who has indicated he's keeping her in the dark for now . I guess . now that he'd thrown that out there, "They want me to get that PET scan done in advance of next week's appt" . threw that out there, . and it flew right past his wife
He probably could've at that point, talked about the pretty bird outside .. and it would've .. what he'd formerly said .. not even registered w/his wife . she didn't react, . she had no questions/concerns seemingly.
But I guess . since it was now said . and yet . not an alarming response from her, or questions . he thought maybe he'd test those waters a little more.
Next he says: "They see a suspicious mass in my lungs".
Now let's remember, we're at least . at this point . needle biopsy done .. at little further up the road than just "a suspicious mass" . we know damn well, it's more than just a "suspicious mass" . we have confirmation that it is cancer, and what kind of cancer . we know a little more than just a "suspicious mass" .. but I guess that's how he chose to frame it . throwing that info out . for a bite on the hook by his wife ..
This brought about from her, a demonstrative . slam of her hand down onto the arm rest of the chair she was sitting in . and an exclamation as follows: "Damnit .. CHIT ............ B ............... smoking all those years! Damnit"
No response .. not from dad . not from me, . nothing .. silence hangs.
Her next statement: "If you hadn't smoked all those years . you wouldn't of ended up in the damn hospital".
That's when I interjected: "Well he wasn't there for the suspicious mass . he was there because had had pneumonia".
This then brought about her nasty tone with me: "Well if he hadn't smoked all those years . his lungs would be healthy and he wouldn't of caught pneumonia".
To my response (being a smart azz): "Not necessarily . people that don't smoke get pneumonia".
(it was my jab .. I'll get one where I can for whatever it's worth).
Nothing more said of PET scans/suspicious masses .. nothing more mentioned and I soon after departed. I have no knowledge of whether this subsequently caused her to go into any tailspin . of worry . or whether she forgot it now .. I don't know . I left. I haven't inquired, . honestly I don't really care what it did as to her . and how it fell . not my horse to drive. I haven't asked. I left there and what happened after I left, isn't known to me.
So .. all of that .. to get to the point . that yesterday I get an email from my dad ..
let's all remember here . just how much my dad wanted in all this . for a long time . and I concurred at least for a long while, considering how sick he was . there for a while . to kick the damn can down the road as to any dialogue on cancer . deferring that issue to another day when he's stronger . not wanting to talk about it . let's all remember that .. this wasn't me . that was kicking any can down the road . I was simply honoring what was asked of me . okay . you don't wanna talk about it right now . you got it . and considering how sick and out of it he was . at least for those first several weeks . even the Oncologist concurred . no need to burden him at this point . we don't know enough at this point, he'll need a PET scan . and we'll get that scheduled when we see him . so .. let him get stronger, and I agreed with that as an approach. And so it was .. and he didn't have to "talk" about it, . not until he was a week into his rehab stint .and it looked as though discharge from rehab was imminent . and so . I brought it up . handed him some reading materials on Squamous cell Lung cancer . and .. told him what I know .. first hand . from talking to the Oncologist . outside his presence . which isn't a lot .. and what we don't know . and the approach as we go forward . which is that we will see the oncologist . and from there a PET scan will be ordered . and that will tell more of the story as to whether there is any spread of the cancer. Shared that with him
I'm pretty sure that Oncologist didn't intend that there be this much time . before she sees him . she likely had it in mind that PET scan take place sooner.
In fact, . an appt for her office, was set
originally for the day after he arrived at Rehab. At that point . he wasn't even ambulatory .. and would've had to be carted by medical transport .. and in a wheelchair . and I didn't feel he was able to do that .. it would've been too much for him . and we'd already talked, my dad and myself . at his discharge from the hospital that he wanted to kick this can down the road . further . until he was stronger.
So I felt . gee .. the day after he arrives at Rehab . well I guess we could get it lined up that he then be carted out of there by medical transport . and off to the Oncologist office for that requisite visit . and then the PET scan ordered and I guess . again . then .. carted outta there . wheelchair . by medical transport . (I wasn't interested in doing the transport, wheelchair and all) .. and he's already said he wants to defer discussion on all this til he he is stronger.
So I changed that Oncologist appt ... I did it myself, opting that he not be subject to the above, . but that he get thru his stint in rehab . and from there .. once past the stint in rehab . an appt on the radar for Oncology and of course, at said appt they will then set up a PET scan.
So that explains how this all is lined up the way it is.
Then I get an email from my dad yesterday, goes about like this: "Got a call this afternoon . not even real sure the purpose there . some noise about an appt next week with Dr J, which we're aware of . maybe it was just a confirmation of that appt . I'm not sure .. I don't even really honestly know why they were calling . to be honest .. I think they were maybe perhaps trying to see about setting up that PET scan . perhaps . but I'm just not real sure what the purpose there was .. needless to say that didn't get done . so it looks like we'll go to Dr. J next week, no PET scan yet in hand .. and .. that kind of . seems senseless to me . looks like they'd want that info available . to have the appt.
So this is the email I get from my father.
So . you're imparting all this to me, why .. what's the angle here? If you have questions about who called you and why . you're the one that took the call . you aren't ignorant . you can decipher and discern the purpose there I certainly cannot . I'm not there ... I didn't talk to them .. if you're wanting me to rattle cages to get this done . then come out and say it . ask me . and I can decline or accept . what is the purpose of imparting this info to me.
So I responded to his email: "Well dad . as the person who talked, in person to the Oncologist . while you were so sick and not wanting to discuss the topic .. it was my assumption . my information that the appt would transpire with the Oncologist . and there a subsequent appt would be set for a PET scan . and so . yea . it does make better sense that the PET scan results be at hand . at said visit . but that's not what my information tells me would be the case .I'm the one that talked, in person, to the Oncologist . and so it's always been my assumption it would be appt first . PET scan 2nd. I guess if you wanna rattle that cage to get that done . you can certainly bark up that tree".
That was the email I sent back to him. Nothing further heard on it.
My mindset on the above though . it kinda angered me . but .. my fuse is pretty short these days. Nibbled to death by baby ducks all needing something . constantly it seems. And let's remember . it was he who wanted this can kicked down the road . so now . .all of a sudden you see the urgency in the matters at hand .. grand . then jump all over it . .. I was going with the plan as laid out for me, your wish to kick the can down the road .. and acted thusly. If the "plan" has changed .and now is seem with the urgency it should've been all along . no one gave me the memo. That was kinda my mindset, me and my short fuse these days.
I agree there should've been more urgency to all this. But the fact of
The fact of the matter is that it was he who wished to kick the can down the road . and in some of that case . it was well warranted . that's for sure. Two incidents of collapsed lung . and convalescing inpatient from that .. and then from there forward .. a two week stint in a rehab site . and not wanting to talk about it . and at least some of that time, far too ill to do so ..
So I answered that email . as I stated here . nothing more heard from his corner on it. Fine by me.
But .. I was already at the end of my rope .. I'd had the girl g'daughters here for the afternoon . and working a problem with our own health insurance . and on the phone for literally two or three hours . working thru an issue with mine and DH's health insurance . and the insurance agent . and the company that insures us . and so forth .. it was literally a hair pulling event to try to work that thru.
Then .. when that got put to bed, no sooner than the phone and laptop was done . with that issue. I'd gotten a call from the visiting nurse (w/regard to my dad) . I hadn't answered it, . as I was done . done .. done . being on the phone an working problems . of any sort. I didn't answer. But then saw the voice message
Nurse: "this is ______________I have been trying to reach your father to get an in home appt set up and I can't reach him, can you return my call please".
I happen to know just from talking to my dad . as he reports it anyway . and it kinda confirms from being with him for a doc appt . where vitals were taken . which is what a visiting nurse does, takes vitals .. and I happen to know his vitals are all stable, as he reported it in talking to me . and seen also in the Pulmonary visit . and having heard him report that his vitals check out fine when the nurse comes . and he doesn't think it necessary the visiting nurse continue to come . I agree.
So now I get a phone call from said nurse . that she can't reach my dad . and can I return her call.
It was a few mins before I saw the voice message and read it (it translates to written word on my phone) .. and so I called her back. By then she had indeed reached my dad . and he had informed her that he doesn't think further visits are warranted and so she simply said she'd be taking him off the list of home bound clients to visit. Good/fine . dispensed with . no further action needed on my part.
So .. I'd finished with the debacle of a nightmare as to our own health insurance and dispensed with that, after working it for 2 or 3 hours . and put the phone down, then encountered .. the problem with the visiting nurse .. and then dispensed with that . when the phone rang again, this time it was a different insurance company . calling me .. to inform . that I hadn't paid our homeowner insurance and it was set to cancel . they wanted to give me a courtesy call in case I wanted to pay it.
Me: "WHAT?!??!? I haven't even seen a bill . did you guys send a bill".
Long and short, yes they did . on May 12 . and it was now due on June 12 . and I hadn't paid it, did I wish to do so over the phone.
Well yes . I had no intention of letting our h/o insurance cancel . so yes .. but damn how'd that get by me, I never even saw a bill (and I'm usually very vigilant about such things .. I guess that's why the phone call from them .. ). So yes, dug out my cc and got that paid over the phone.
Still had the g'daughters here .. DH in from work at that point . me expressing my utter frustration with life in general these days . that it's always something . some fire that needs put out in some direction ..
And that's when I get an email from SIL .. and it is asking if I know . did DH note the checking account that MIL's checking account is to debit for her dental insurance . do I know if he did that.
I happen to know, as I heard them talking about all this a couple of weeks ago when she informed of same . and he noted it and told her he did so .. and so why the checking
checking and double checking . I don't know . and why this gets sent to me . when she can easily check and double check w/her brother. I dunno... her long standing .. I guess hard to break pattern.
I answered her: "I guess he did, that's what he told you on the phone a couple of weeks ago when you guys discussed it .. check with him".
It was then, .. (DD had come by now and retrieved her daughters and the son had cried wanting to stay with nana) ..
It was then that my own tears began .. and I expressed to DH . that it's always something . a fire needing put out . always .. always . it's one thing to the next to the next . to the next .. I put out one fire and another one is raging . before I can even finish with the one I just put out . and it's . .that's my life these days .. put out a fire . and another and another ..
And describing to him . my day . and thru tears ..
His suggestion and likely a very sound one . you need to turn it off . all of it . set aside what you think will be workable and tell all involved .. your dad . my sister .. all of it . that you are not answering that bell on such and such days each week . all of it .. I'll tell my sister . you tell your dad .. think about what days will work best, and turn it off .. just turn it all off . and don't answer that bell . some nurse calls you . oh well, not your day to handle it .. not answering to it, at all. your dad emails or calls with whatever .. those are your days off . and you don't answer it.
Probably a good plan .. and I'll do that.
Set aside, .. the weekend per se . that I don't answer that bell at all .. email me with a problem . it's gonna get ignored and deferred to Monday . not answering it ...
I'm going to come up with a workable plan ..
It all gets so overwhelming ..
Did your father deliberately mention his cancer in front of K when you were there so that you would be the buffer? He certainly IS kicking the can down the road. He really doesn't want to know what the PET scan will show, does he? And so you are the person to call (the visiting nurse). Who gave her your number?
Regarding your set days "off," I noted that H told you that he would tell SIL your days off. What?! You weren't supposed to have any days "on" for MIL and her issues, right? DH and whoever else was recruited for Team MIL (DD, YD) are supposed to be handling her issues. I have to say, from your involvement in the MIL car oil issue, you aren't making it clear that MIL's issues are OFF LIMITS for you.
The other day and AT&T bill arrived here, . MIL's mail forwarded here . .and DH to pay said bills .. agreed upon by DH and SIL.
So DH .. I guess, as part of their agreement on that topic . he sends a snapshot .. from his phone . if a MIL bill arrives here, sends a snapshot of said bill, to his sister, . and that way .. I guess what that achieves is that both are on the same page as to what is due . of MIL's bills and what is being paid . and amounts and so forth .. I dunno.
So I get a text from SIL the other day:
SIL: "Dorker, . could you do me a favor please .. DH shot me a snapshot of an AT&T bill .. on mom's behalf . but .. it's not a good clear shot of it .. I need to know their 1-800# .. I need to call them, going to see about suspending her land line . and her internet service, no one resides there . why do we need to keep paying it, when no one is there anyway . maybe they'll let us suspend it, temporarily . but the snapshot he sent, .. it's not real clear .. if that bill is handy .. can you look on it, and see if you see a 1800# . and text it to me, so I can call them".
DH isn't here at that moment .. and easy enough . yea, the thing is sitting on the table .. waiting for action .. and so . yea . no problem . walk by it, pick it up . yea sure . there's the 1800# .. and I text it to her.
Something as simple as just being amiable to being courteous ..
I could defer to him, "he's not here right now to look at it, .. so . .talk to him and ask him to look at it later when he gets home".
I could be cut-throat (I would consider it) and just answer: "I don't answer to MIL need of any sort/shape/fashion . take it up with your brother".
I could lie . "I'm not home to look at it, I'm sure your brother can answer that later".
I could suggest: "I'm sure google would have a phone # to reach AT&T .. look it up".
Or I can just be courteous . it's right there on the table awaiting his action . not like he's filed it away and I now have to go hunt up where he put it ..
So being agreeable, I just go look at it, sure enough the 1800# is right there on the 2nd page .. and I shoot her the number. Done. No further questions asked on it.
THAT .. kinda defines how it is that I get "pulled" into MIL biz ..
And on the oil change topic landing on my radar, I did .. defer .. SIL . text YD that's a good idea.
I didn't hear anymore of it, so assumed it was done/answered to, until I get another text from her a few days forward, same topic.
Answered her on that one with a response: "I'm sure she did . you texted her right, she's usually pretty good about such things".
It was only later . when YD walked in that I mentioned it to her, . thinking .. okay good idea . go see about it . you're driving the car .. and then found from talking to YD that she has indeed noted that fact, and checked the little windshield sticker and the mileage doesn't indicate that as a need at this point. Okay fine by me, answered to.
It was only when it kept popping up on my radar that I asked of DH ... "is it the "time" that is a factor as to these things . it's been a year she says . or is it the "useage" . as to these things".
And fired that back off to SIL .. as it kept popping up by her, .. even though YD has told me she's answered that bell to SIL . and assured her the mileage indicates it isn't needed at this point ..
And it was then that I did make it clear, I'm exiting this dialogue .. told her DH's take on such things . told her that YD has answered her, that the mileage doesn't indicate that as a present need, and told her that .. and DH confirms . and then told her I am exiting further dialogue on that topic.
It was just .. as DH defined it, . "that's my dumbazz sister coming up with CHIT that needs doing .. it's not needed at this point".
It's her, always coming up with something ..
It was my phone # on dad's whiteboard when hospitalized and in rehab stint .. and I guess that's how my # got out there as any contact on his behalf.
And I don't know if my dad's intent to lay that cancer issue out there for discussion .. was to do so . me there present/on site to act as buffer. I really don't know .. why he chose that moment in time . to then bring out that albatross to discuss.
Don't really care.
If it undoes her .. (and justifiably so if that happens) . I'm not gonna be the one to sit and hold her hand and make the appropriate soothing noises .. I'm not there on site to do that.
If it then causes her to ask the same demented broken brain questions over and over and over .. to him .. I'm not the one on site there to answer to it .
I don't know what his intentions were in laying that out for all the world to see, in her presence. I was kinda shocked, .. as the memo I have . is that he is keeping her in the dark on that, til more is known.
Nobody gave me a memo that it's changed, the approach.
In fact, .. when he said the first little piece .. "they want me to have a PET scan in advance of the appt next week with Dr. J" . he said that much .. and that . in me, with not a broken brain . would've prompted some questions. A PET Scan? For what? What's that about?
It didn't . not in her . it flew right past her . and I don't think .. it didn't even register with her ..
It was then, I guess, since the above didn't rate any notice on her radar . that he decided to lay a little more of the piece of this albatross out there for viewing . and he came forth with "there is a suspicious mass in my lung". Out w/that much he then came.
I hadn't been given any memo that clued me in this was gonna get put out there for view and dialogue.
If his intent was to have it be in a setting where I'd act as buffer to that news .. he should've clued me in ..
If it had fallen (it didn't) that she fell apart . and is now in need of hand holding and soothing on the topic . he'd of still seen me exiting soon after .. I had already told him of the rest of the day and my agenda . so he knew I wouldn't be lingering there ..
Have no idea what his motive was, if there was a motive.
In the end, I don't really care all that much .. how this falls with her .. disturbing and worrisome .. for certain . if she's lucid enough to do so. But .. not gonna be my job . the soothe saying on it all.
MY ONLY concern and I've spoken to that piece of it .. don't put me in a position as your "co-conspirator" (as he termed it) .. in any cover-up and deceipt .. I am not okay with that.
Had she turned to me in that very moment, . lucid enough to do so .. PET SCAN . how long have YOU KNOWN THIS ............ why haven't YOU TOLD ME ANY OF THIS. She'd of heard the words from me, I know as much as he's shared w/you .. take it up with him . as I soon departed there anyway ..
There is nothing dumbazzed about keeping up routine car maintenance. I don't know enough about FL climate to guess the effect, but I do know enough about cars, just, to know that oil degrades, and that's why there's a time interval as well as a mileage interval. 12 months or xx,000 miles, whichever comes first. Not a stupid question.
What's the justification for keeping up the car for a person who is not ever going to benefit from it again? Any plans for YD to buy it?
Any question that begins "Can you...?" or - irritates me much more - "Can you just...?" can always be answered "No I can't." The "never apologise never explain" rule applies.
But there is a wider issue here. DH generously agreed to share the admin. It is his tribute to the MIL altar. But sharing the admin with someone who takes his sweet time to get round to his half, or who fundamentally disagrees with you about what does or doesn't need doing, is a friggin' nightmare. If he hasn't got time and can't be arsed to do his little bits properly, he'd actually do better and waste less time altogether by bowing out. Can't mail be forwarded to SIL, or is there an interstate problem with that?
Mind you, this surely to God can't be MIL's *only* AT&T bill in existence - couldn't SIL have got the account details off another one?
One thing you must stop doing is chasing up these communications. If a question comes to you, answer it - helpfully if it suits you, blocking if it doesn't. But for heaven's sake do not become the co-ordinator following up whether SIL's messages to DH, YD, Uncle Tom Cobley and all a) got through and b) were acted on. Put these things out of your mind. Did DH do such and such, did YD get text?- no idea, you'd have to ask him/her.
Your father is another matter entirely. I don't particularly think it's important who knows what when and whether or not he's keeping his health issues from K. You've drawn your line in the sand about not willing to be complicit in lies.
MY line in the sand would be different -- I'd tell Dear Dad (a father that was neglectful and let me starve as a child) that unless he gave me POA/HCPOA and got his estate in order, that I wouldn't be able to help him. But you've chosen a different boundary, and that's fine.
I just can't help but point out when you say one thing, but then do another. We ALL want to help you maintain those boundaries with both MIL and your father.
We are all different people, and that's fine.
Edited to add: I agree with CM about your becoming the coordinator of messages. Don't you see that that's what you are doing?
Other than to say .. the car will once again, when SIL arrives back on scene here . purpose at that point will be disposing of contents of MIL home .. she will be driving MIL car while here in town .. to get to and fro to visit her mom and/or any other needs to get around.
Thus, the car needs to be kept in good workable condition. Not only that .. if it's sold .. at some point .. one would want the best dollar they can get for it. It already will sell . a little higher than would otherwise be the case, just by the shear fact, it's been a garage kept car . and not driven all that much, so extremely low mileage for a car of that age.
So yea, it needs to continue to be maintained .. for more than one reason.
At some point they will need to decide, . does YD buy the car (not sure she wants it .. ) .. or does it just get sold to the highest bidder that may want it .. because MIL's home will be given back to the RM company and .. so parking it there no longer an option .. and so .. what ..??.. park it here . for the occasional couple of times a year that SIL will visit here .. park it where? We have a garage .. but not even our own cars reside in it, .. our garage stores . a number of other things . but not autos. Our cars sit out in the d/w. Her's would too . if it were left here .. and I'm not sure I wanna contend with her car in the way out there. But it hasn't been discussed.
I'm assuming one day that car will either belong to YD .. if she wants it .. or some other stranger .and MIL's home will be gone back to the RM company and so when SIL visits . she'll need to rent a car for getting around to see her mom and whatever else she's doing here.
The oil that has been in the ground for millions of years has not been extracted, refined, mixed with additives, exposed to the atmosphere, and repeatedly heated and cooled in a working car engine, has it now.
Dorker, it's possible that your father, who is sick, is not capable of co-ordinating his care. What then? Do not fall into the trap of "helping" with it. You either do it, or you don't touch it. Either is fine, but in between sucks. Don't get caught like that again.
And what in heaven's name possessed you to start defending his smoking when K had her little spite spree over it? Yes, non-smokers get lung cancer too. Yes, pneumonia has other causes. But, so what? How was this worth the contradicting? - it's not like disagreement is going to sweeten her disposition. And you don't even actually disagree! It is a pity your Dad smoked all those years, because it is likely he is now paying for it. Just let it pass.
My thinking .. let me put this to rest .. she wants the oil changed .. YD thinks it's not needed yet . wonder what is DH's take on that issue . is it the "time" factor or is it the "use" factor . he knows more about autos than I even care to consider .. and so I figured, . that's a good question . wonder what his take is.
Threw it out there for him to speak to . and he provided his input .. that it's not a "time" issue it's a "use" issue .. and so .. YD has already answered as to it's "use" it's not time at this point, the mileage isn't indicating same . and she'd said she already answered that to her aunt ..
And yet it kept cropping up on my radar ..
I don't think I saw it as a "gee let me engage in all this . and debate the finer points of car maintenance and who is or isn't coming up with b'chit that doesn't need to be dealt with" .. I saw it more from an angle of .. let's get this off my damn radar ... YD has answered to it, but obviously that isn't sufficing .. as SIL keeps putting it back on the radar .. let me answer to it, and put this to bed ..
As to my dad . and being a part of his affairs and no motion on his part to name me DMPOA ..............
My approach thus far, has been one of .. don't make me complicit in lies . I want no part of that. I did agree to stand in .. and do his transport to doc appts., and wait until more is known . what he said he wants . as to keeping her in the dark. That makes sense to me, particularly with someone who is of a broken brain . why bother her with info that you can't provide much in the way of any answers .. no one can, at this point. SO I agree with that .. yea .. keep her in the dark til more is known.
I have agreed to provide transport as to doc visits and am doing so. And no, no guantlet of "make me DMPOA or I'm out" .. he has said he has a window . of about six months that he hopes to work his way through some of the things that need attending to (long since shouldve been done) .. and so .. so be it.
My expectation was also . and stated clearly .. and it's been done .. that he hire c'givers as to the meals . the housework, the errands . etc etc. That is being done at present. So .. I'm not stepping to that beat . and said as much from the jump in all this. Been there, with MIL on that front, . and it gets woefully out of hand . and I knew enough to back away from that one with a 10 foot pole . and stay back.
So yea .. different boundaries there ..
And as for why he chose to throw that albatross out there . of the "suspicious mass in my lung" when heretofore, my memo read she's gonna be kept in the dark, I have no clue.
Suppose, just suppose, he is actually too sick to handle this. What then?
It wasn't so much my "BELIEF and STRIDENT STANCE" . that even non smokers get these afflictions . that wasn't my point in "defending" him. My point was to bite back at her, and take my jab where I can get it.
She had already voiced some strong ........ oh I dunno . she wasn't a bit damn happy that it was me coming that way (so now Dorker is family?) ... to cart him to the doc . for what she saw as . kinda a b'chit doc appt (I agree really . it was a doc appt that probably could've been blown off . dad agrees also . it was probably an appt . that was more . to tie up lose ends as to the docs . and their "i's" getting dotted and "t's" getting crossed. He isn't having any present pulmonary issues, . did . while hospitalized and treated by them . and so in the end, . this was probably nothing more than them tying up and closing out . their part in his care team.
She had already expressed some displeasure that he had to go to what she considers pretty much a b'chit doc appt .. and .. aware . that she sees my presence, as somewhat of a threat .. impeding on what is her territory . my dad's care. The fact she can't drive right now (I would debate that she should ever drive again) .. but she has been ordered by cardio docs to not drive .. and so she can't take him .. but that's lost on her broken damn brain .. all she knows is this is her territory . her job . my dad's care . and here comes (so Dorker's family now) .. to cart you off to what is essentially nothing but a b'chit appt.
When that dialogue had been transpiring . her now affirming with him . us back from said b'chit appt .. and expressing her dismay . she'd said at that point in that dialogue . " so that was in the end, nothing but a bunch of b'chit that wasn't necessary right?".
Dad was responding . that yes . kinda it was . a bunch of not necessary b'chit . but that . in the end, . had there been a problem . maybe they'd heard something in his lungs or seen something in his throat (they didn't, they ck'd) . .it wouldn't of all been for nothing.
It was seemingly ... a bit contentious there, as this dialogue was ongoing . her wanting . I guess .. my dad to admit .. (for what purpose I don't know) .. that he had his daughter (her threat) to come that way . and the two of them waltz off into the sunset happy and merry .. and having a gay ole time . I don't know what her angle was . but it was seemingly getting a bit testy there . her . pointing out that this was all nothing but a bunch of unnecessary b'chit . and him . somewhat agreeing to that, but prefaced that . had there been a problem . it wouldn't of been for nothing.
So with it getting a bit contentious and testy there, . I interjected the following . trying to make it a bit lighter and not so testy, I said: "well ya know, to see him up and about ambulating .. and engaging with the staff there at the doc office, .. he's come so far .. he was so so sick in the hospital .. I'm kinda delighting in seeing him up and about (on a walker) and engaging . with the world at large . even if all we did was go and smell the flowers . it's nice to see him doing so much better".
That was my attempt at putting a bit of sunshine onto what was seemingly getting a bit testy there . it seemed like what she wanted from him was for him to come out with a "Yea K . .. my daughter is a PITA that comes here . and carts me off .. and it isn't even necessary . is that what you want me to say".
So that was my attempt at making a bit of "light" at what was becoming a bit testy . and so I said what I did about, "even if all we did was to go and smell the flowers . nice to see him up and about and doing better".
It was then that she extracted her pound of flesh (this was before the albatross of the suspicious mass convo) .. she then kinda loudly exclaimed at me, almost shouting
She then loudly exclaimed, raising her voice .. "Well I'm so glad you and your daddy (!) got to go smell the flowers or whatever b'chit it was you two thought needed to happen".
It pizzed me off with her.
I'm not a "threat" or whatever she perceives.
Yes indeed . her's and dad's doing .. that for decades I've been on the periphery of their lives and happy to be there . on that periphery. I'm sure . now that I'm front and center more, out of necessity .. she's not a bit happy about it ..
Yes . if my dad had the cahoona's he should have . he'd of let her know a long long long time ago, he's a package deal . he comes with the baggage of two offspring .. and that is a daughter and a son . and pushing them to the periphery isn't gonna be how it works. That wasn't ever done, obviously . as I've been on the periphery all their lives . and content as can be to be in that periphery.
She's not a bit happy that I'm a part of the scene there . and that is evident. I don't care. If he needs help .. as to doc visits, she can go pizz up a damn rope for all I care . I'll come do it .. (I won't do the daily need, and that has been made apparent . and that is seen to outside of my participation).
So yea .. that pizzed me off . her remark .. "well I'm so glad you and your daddy (!) got to go smell the flowers or whatever b'chit it was you two thought needed to happen".
Yea, it angered me.
So you don't think he needs to go to that doc visit . that's between you and he to settle .. he doesn't want me there carting him to said appt., he knows how to reach me .. I'm not getting in the middle of you two and your squabbles as to what it is you deem important and he doesn't . and vice versa. Don't care to go there. So yea, her biting at me that way did anger me.
So then when it came later to the discussion of the cancer/pneumonia/smoking piece of it. I didn't do it to "soothe/defend" her, .. I'm not stupid . I know that smoking . .damn sure doesn't help anyone to live a long healthy life ...
But it was my pound of flesh .. extracted.
So yea, I bit back with. "Well not necessarily . even people who don't smoke get pneumonia".
And that is true.
It wasn't said to defend his actions . it was to show her . that's a stupid asinine approach to this topic .. if you're gonna beef at him for a lifetime of being a cigarette smoker . and it's impact now becoming evident .. I'm gonna then bite back at you . and state that isn't always the case ..
The realization . kinda . epiphany if you will . of the stressball hauled around on one's shoulders of the scene that is dad and K.
She doesn't want me there, .. and a part of things . that is evident in how she behaves, what she says.
That's her problem to sort thru (she's broken brained and whether she can sort thru that is debatable).
It should be up to my dad (or rather should've long long ago) to make it abundantly clear that he is part of a package deal that includes two offspring .. and she can take it or leave it.
He obviously didn't do that . long long long ago.
As a result .. (you have to remember, .. when I did live with them . as a child . she very much made a difference . in her approach to how me and my brother were treated . she has her own daughter, . that lived there . .and there very much .. very very much . was evident .. even to a kid .. the difference there .. and my dad traveled a lot, climbing the corporate ladder . and so . wasn't on scene . and who knows if he'd of dealt with it even if he was on scene .. but in the end, . the saga there . the baggage .. lived at that time, as a child .. my brother and myself both . at her hands . were treated as *less than* and .. a problem, .. the little urchins that she never asked for).
I have long since put that to bed .. and out of my psyche .. I didn't live with them from the time I was 12 years old and forward from there. And it wasn't long after that, my own life began to come into focus as to my wants for my time, . baby sitting wknd jobs . and then in years subsequent .. dating . and my own friends/interests . and so going among them and their midst . wasn't something that was on my radar a lot. Then I married, had my own family .. and . having to be around that . wasn't anything that I was exposed to anymore.
And fine as frog hair being there . on the periphery of their lives.
So now . he has health issues . and I can choose to ignore it all . and make my own demands .. in it all . ."no dad . you make me MDPOA .......... or get someone else .. I'm not interested in helping you one iota"
That's not me. That would bring about in me, more sadness and stress than the approach I have taken . which is one of . "ok . you want me a part of getting you to and fro doc appts .. okay then . you see to your daily need there, by hiring c'givers".
And so it goes.
BUT .........................
Putting me square in the center of being in that midst again ..
She doesn't want me there , .. that is apparent .. and I'm somehow in her broken brain demented self .. a "threat" to her. I am seen, perceived by her, . as stepping on her toes, her territory .. my dad is her's to care for.
I think the tears from yesterday on my part, . in add'n to the fact there are a million baby ducks constantly nibbling .. as to need/want .. incessantly.
The realization that I am carrying . the 50 lb stressball on my shoulders .. lugging it around .........in the approach I've taken (one I'm not willing to change, not yet anyway) .. as to carting him to doc appts .. and so in doing . I'm gonna run afoul of her sensibilities (broken brained that they are) . .and her obviously not wanting me front and center, and making that pretty apparent.
Shouldn't my dad be the one putting her in her place on it all, "Look she's my daughter . she is helping me . with transport and dealing with doc visits . nothing more nothing less, get over yourself". Yea . he should. Is he able to stand and wage that war that should've long ago been waged when he wasn't sick and 80 years old .. I don't know, I debate that he can withstand that withering storm at this point ..
I don't know why i'm seen as any "threat" . I'm not. I will happily resume my spot on the periphery when directed to do so.
It is now how long since the biopsy? He should already have had a PET scan, he should already have seen his oncologist, if treatment is appropriate it ought already to have been begun. Right now, you're trying to work out at second hand what order what should happen in and when, and the only thing you know for certain is the man hasn't got a clue.
When I asked what happens if he is too sick to handle his care, I did not mean shouldn't you insist on having MPOA. I meant, what happens if he is too sick to handle his care. He hasn't got six months to bugger about figuring that one out.
What you mustn't accept - AGAIN - is another "responsibility without power" package. Ticking.
So... if not you, who?
Has K's daughter got anywhere solving this for her?
My dad that helped raise me, technically my stepdad, but married to mom from when I was 2 to 15 and whom I called dad, got remarried after their divorce to the woman he left mom for, and she's always been polite to me, but he's never come around much to see me or DH and my kids. If I want to see him, I have to make the effort and the drive to visit. Mom lived close by in the same town as me, so I think stepmom felt threatened, not by me, but because I lived close to mom. I think she was afraid he would cheat on her with mom because he cheated on mom with her. Mom would have been a willing participant too in her younger days, as she still loved him, but his wife keeps him on a short leash.
Anyway, all that to say, I wouldn't be too hard on K. Understandable being annoyed at someone sniping at you, but she's probably just lashing out because she is slowly losing control of her mind and memory and frustrated that she can't be there for your dad the way she is used to. And frustrated at your dad for smoking. I'd just let her remarks go in one ear and out the other, and let her and your dad hash it out as far as any talk of the dx and the fallout thereof.
I don't blame her. She and her mother routinely bump noggins .. and .. that's in part, because of K's daughter's BP and so unstable herself at times .. but she is also a recovering alcoholic (the daughter) . and so .. being around that which are triggers for her and "using" . undoes her. And her mom, never one to hold back . with her own daughter . it just seems the two of them are like oil and water. K's daughter grabs a whole bunch o'gone w/respect to her mom.
Or so it seems to me . from the distance I keep.
Is she working any angle as to her mom's care and needs going forward. I would be the last to know . and that's fine w/me .. they don't have to clue me in.
Doubtful she is. The only info I have on that front is what I've been told .. dad has imparted .. at what little he shares . that he would do better to tangle with a lion when it comes to placement for his wife .. (yes, even though he is her husband) he will have to fight both her daughter, as well as K's siblings .. who will also stand in that gap . and think he is the worst thing since Lucipher himself, to try and do that . let her be home, familiar surroundings as long as is possible.
That is the only info that has been imparted to me as to what happens w/his wife going forward. He does . impart . a realization that will be necessary at some point in K's future . he does have that awareness ..
Whether he lives long enough and/or is able to stand and wage that battle that's sure to come his way .. I don't know.
And whether he daughter is being a realist . and .. making her own noises about what should transpire as to her mother .. is not known to me, . but I am . of the impression her participation is more one of "Grabbing a bunch of Gone". So it's doubtful.
What happens as to my dad and he become dreadfully ill ..
I have already made it known I won't be there day in and day out for daily care . that's not going to be what I am doing. And I've made that known .. and they have c'givers on site.
Should he become ill to the degree that doesn't suffice, . then I guess his hand will be dealt by his demented broken brained wife .. because I have absolutely no power to do anything to the contrary .. and she makes it pretty plain that I am somehow seen as a "threat" .. and so I'm not the least bit interested in being on scene daily . and waging battle with her in my effort to accomplish that, not at all interested.
I've done all that I can to put the points that need to be worked through . on the table . as to talking with him . that his wife .. will not be in any position with her broken brain . to be making decisions on his behalf (much less her own) . and that he needs to get someone designated as POA .. D and M both .. and he only imparts that he is giving himself a six month window . to work through some of (what should've long ago been done) . LTC policy . and Wills/Estates .. and D and MPOA . if ever.
Will be interesting to see ... (not that I wish that upon anyone, not even my worst enemy) but should the news be absolutely dire, as a result of a PET scan .. and .. it's obvious that he will soon after be taking a turn for much the worse . and his demise imminent . what happens to that six month window he seems to think is workable. Will be interesting to watch.
Is he manipulating me . keeping me at bay on all that .. buying himself time .. keep Dorker on a string out there .. jumping to the beat of my need . by buying myself time here .. for her to transport me to docs ..
Maybe. If he can live with it . I guess I will too. I won't step into the every day need and that has been noted . and dealt with .. and so if he can live with manipulating . then so be it.
Go easy on K. Yea .. she has a broken brain . so lashing out at her . for