I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This time last year . it was all about her having to depart here to go with her daughter, to exit what is hurricane season here. Her daughter to come get her and take she and her doggie to IL .. and that whole thing .. daughter weighing out whether she can have workers in the midst of aging/frail MIL . to repair her basement. MIL lamenting the sadness .. and tears . of having to leave her beloved home . that she doesn't have to do this . it's gonna kill her, to leave her home . and .. she doesn't think all this is necessary .. and it's going to be too much.
And the sadness of everytime you saw her, this time last year, . that was the whole ongoing saga that played out, causing sadness and despair at every turn.
How long .. how long .. do our lives get consumed by her brokenness?
Yes people get old .. and yes . they get frail and needy . but as I said to DH . loosing my patience:
"I am a firm believer in life is what you make of it DH ............. there are other folks approaching their 90th bday and they aren't miserable and unhappy .. life is what you make of it .. My aunt that ended up in a NH .. had spent her entire life crafting and sewing . and went blind . which is what sent her to a NH . but she was still happy ......... even though she was blind . and I've shared that with MIL . but she can't hear it ...... I'm just sick of it".
Not all of us let ourselves sink into the pit of despair that MIL would drag you into w/it all.
SIL being a better example of that. yes, she wants to wave her magic whirligig at every turn . and spin her tops endlessly . but all the sadness and lamenting . she's become very adept at .. bouncing off of it . and changing the subject .. agreeing with her mom that yea it's tough . she probably won't like it either when she's that age, if she lives that long . and BOOM . just like that .. she changes the subject. And she moves on with her day . not sinking into despair and sadness and doldrums over it all. Yea, she goes on to conjure up whirligigs and spinning tops . maybe all that busyness keeps her from sinking into the despair DH does .. I dunno.
But . it just seems like . for me . from my perspective . E.D.A.M.N.-N.U.F.F. already! When do we get to have an existence that isn't sometimes so upended in MIl's aging frailties and sadness and despair the order of our lives . at times. When?
Glad there's gonna be a getaway ..
And we aren't staying with SIL .. staying in a hotel near her, .. and will certainly come and go and visit her, but won't be there .. under her feet the whole time.
Mentioned to her about how hard her brother takes it when going to see their mom.
She too questions: "Why does he "own" it that he somehow is responsible and has to feel guilty".
I DUNNO ............. you tell me then we'll both know.
She did have a good suggestion though ..
SIL: "What would he do if this were some unhappy church member. He goes to visit people in the church .. what would he do if it were just an unhappy church member in this predicament? He wouldn't feel responsible in that case .. to somehow fix it. That's what he needs to do . just don't think of her as your mom . think of her as some church member, that you're kind enough to go visit . but not at all charged with trying to "fix" all this.
Probably a good suggestion, and one I relayed to him.
We'll see if it translates through to the next visit.
I do happen to know .. she gets the same kinda thing . .but she is more adept at deflecting it all, and not "owning" it. Sure, she tries to fire up all manner of whirligigs and fix it solutions as to every hiccup .. but . the "talk" the incessant "whining" .. she doesn't seem to let that get to her. She said .. their mom does talk to her on the same topics, . .but as she put it: "She has to vent somehow . I just listen .. I agree with her, .. I ask her *what can you do about that, can you do something to fix that* .. empower her . .to take charge of whatever is displeasing her. She has to be able to vent .. that's her whole existence now . not like she gets out and about and can talk about the great art show she went to .. or the great movie she went to see, or lunch out . .her whole existence is that place now . .and she has to be able to *vent*. But she expresses she feels no responsibility . to .. as DH seems to .. "owning it" .. she doesn't ..
As she put it: "I just know .. I went as far as I can go . in trying to take care of her, ,... I couldn't do it anymore, she needs around the clock staff .. and that's the setting for it .. I'm sure it's not always pleasant .. I try to put myself in her shoes . and I wouldn't like it either if my room mate comes in at midnight . and flips on the tv . and then is crunching on a bag of chips .. or .. if the help .. when I ask for it, doesn't come soon enough . but who knows w/her . she has no concept of time . maybe what she says isn't soon enough .. in the end ... it really is . about as prompt as they can do .. but she's pretty persnickety .. always has been .. too picky .. but I just know .. I know it .. and am at peace with it .. she needs to be ina setting with round the clock care . and she's there . and . they take good care of her, for the most part, the place is clean . and safe .. and .. sure I'm sure some of them aren't as friendly as they could be . but that's life .. I wouldn't be either if that was my job".
I thought that was a good suggestion though .. detach.
Whether he will or not (doubtful).
Would be a good solution for me.
And is it after the wedding that SIL and B intend to come back to Florida?
Looking forward to it. Badly need a "get away". Thought it over, .. a long while, and a "get away" .. that includes the fun and so forth, of a wedding, lots of happy people there. Just the ticket.
I'm the one of this equation that pulled the trigger as to a hotel stay. We'd normally stay with SIL at her house . and she'd love to have us. In fact, has mentioned several times .. "don't spend $ for a hotel just stay with us".
Nah.
Her house/existence is going to be pretty chaotic. Not only is she going to be meeting herself coming and going ... with her daughter's wedding .. there will be loads of relatives in town (none staying with her however) .. and .. her son .. and his family of their royal lineage . are coming. Not staying with her. They are also staying in a hotel. But .. she rarely gets to see her g'kids .. and .. I'm quite sure those g'kids . some variation of them . or all of them, .. will be present and spending time with their g'ma (SIL) .. and .. I don't dislike them, they're adorable and pleasant kids. But they're high maintenance, high energy (aren't they all).
And . I get enough in my own world, of chaotic .. and harum skarum . and needy .. between geriatric .. and g'kids of my own.
Will be nice to enjoy being around the fun . but also having my own little tranquility of a peaceful hotel room, when I've had enough.
Not something we'd normally do. We'd typically stay with SIL . and she is . for all her whirligig spinning and hamster wheel running, .. a very gracious host, when we've stayed there with her before. Nothing against her, or the craziness of it all, just .. want some peace. She understands.
As I told her, .. "We've gone ahead and booked a hotel room for our stay there, . it's only about 10 mins from your house . so .. we'll be seeing a lot of you .. but ... your world will be pretty harried .. and I don't wanna be in the way of all that, and you feeling like you need to account for us . and whether we're being seen to, . and more important . your g'kids will be in town . and you so rarely get to see/enjoy them .. and so .. I'm sure at least some of the time, . some of those g'kids will be dumped off at your house, while their parents are off and going . and that gives you the latitude to enjoy them . but me the latitude to .. exit. I see enough of that in my own world .. seeing my g'kids here . sometimes, more than I want to".
Should be a lot of fun.
And . before that .. heading down to central FL .. meet up kinda .. with youngest brother and family (a surprise to him, he doesn't know we're coming). They have a weekend get away planned for him .. for his bday.
Remember last bday . he'd been planning a party at his house in SW FL . and had a kid trimming trees in the b'yard . and that kid got electrocuted. That kid is now "walking" on prosthetics .. learning to. There is a lawsuit pending still. And . his wife wants to get him "away" from the scene for what will be his bday .. and always more than likely now . his bday will come with reminder of that tragic horrible day in his back yard. He doesn't know we're coming .. and so that'll be a surprise to him.
So also a bit of a get away and some fun .. to go meet up with my youngest brother and his wife . and their kids .. for a weekend stay in central FL. Nice hotel with big huge pools and a lazy river to flat around in .. on the grounds.
Just what the doctor ordered . some time away from it all.
It seems, .. even though I have little to nothing to do on the MIL scene anymore, . there is no escaping the drama that it constantly is. I guess, unless I leave this marriage . and I don't think that's necessary.
Things, for the moment, on my dad's front .. all quiet. Thankfully.
Would MIL create a problem to prevent DH from traveling to IL for M's wedding?
Thought about .. "well .. I guess we just can't make any plans to go anywhere then .. since God only know what curve ball could be thrown our way".
That didn't seem like any viable way to live. So I bought the tix.
MIL doesn't know that we are planning to attend that wedding of her oldest g'daughter. She will know, .. we'll tell her . maybe about the time it is to transpire . not much sooner.
So .. I guess . in the end .. I bought these non-refundable tix (to buy refundable tix . is a lot more costly . a lot more) .. and if the worst happens and some major calamity that can't be dealt with by professional staff ... (can't imagine what that might be . if she gets deathly ill . she'd be transported to a hospital and cared for by staff there) .. if she takes a turn for the worst . at that specific time .. and it somehow looks as though the end is near, the cloud has approached to retrieve her . then I guess we're out several hundreds of dollars as we sit vigil at her deathbed.
If one is going to make plans to have any kind of life . and I intend to do that . (we don't go much of anywhere .. really .. not big travelers) .. then I guess one has to take that risk. Or either just sit home and never plan anything that might be something "we want" to go do.
Not willing to live that way.
As to my dad and if some major calamity should befall that end. I think it's pretty apparent to him . my approach here is a whole bunch of "grabbing some gone" as he'd put it. He doesn't see me .. running there daily and attending to all the minutia. I go .. in the event there is a doc appt to attend to . that much he has been able to count on . but .. outside of that . he's left to his own devices to figure out what needs to happen. I think that works for him pretty well, but it works for me too.
Should he suddenly be on his deathbed .. at that specific time and space .. then I guess .. we are out hundreds of dollars. Short of that . he can be cared for by staff.
Thus I pulled the trigger and bought what were non-refundable tix. Wasn't willing to spend the xtra $ to buy what might be ... might not be ... the ability to do this whole trip.
THIS IS NOT FOR YOUR TO DO LIST. But if I were you, I'd find that out before I even thought about broaching the subject with MIL.
"We're going to a party and you can't come - nur nur ni nur nur!" It's going to go down like a cup of cold sick, isn't it? Obviously MIL can't go for perfectly good practical reasons, but it still wants diplomatic handling.
My mother has now decided she wants to 'be there' for me through this cancer thing. I can't think of anything worse than having the 3 escorts she requires to go anywhere there are steps, and have her showing up at my house and these 3 'escorts' push and pull her up the stairs, where she will then sit on a chair and look at me for 20 minutes. Then hit reverse. Talking the entire time about so-and so and who died and who is still, unbelievably, alive and how she's barely hanging in there. Super positive.
I told her, in no uncertain terms, that I was going to have visitors at MY convenience and not hers. I also said "You've had videochat for a year, have one of the grown ups in the house set it up for you and you can chat with me. I am going to screen all my calls, and now she's magically figured out how to call me--she may be one.
Sadly, you don't get to act like a major PITA for years then have people knocking themselves out to make it possible for you to attend all functions. MIL has been a royal pain and pretty much made her attendance at the nuptials impossible. Mother complains and groans and grunts through each day, no way anyone will take her anywhere, you can't have it both ways.
Dorker--don't even ASK if SIL has made plans for MIL to be any part of this shindig. If she has figured something out, great, if she hasn't, you're just stirring a huge old pot.
Try to enjoy yourself!!
I thought I had a valid question about the refundable tix, since hasn't MIL attempted to derail plans before?
I can just see her having some issue which will make H not feel that he can leave, as quickly as he seems to feel guilty. I guess DD and YD could handle it?
Regarding your father, I like your attitude that you will not change your plans for him and any crises he might have. And your brother could always handle it.
How long will you be gone?
SIL hasn't mentioned (nor has DH) that somehow we should all make it possible for MIL to go.
But remember, back a few weeks ago there was all the brouhaha .. about MIL so wanting an excursion outta there .. if only out to lunch .. or as DD suggested, over here for a cookout. Once pondered, the whole thing never got off the ground. How can she possibly even leave just to go somewhere for lunch out .. if she can't make it a day .. and chitapalooza is at works.
No .. I can't even see how anyone would think that feasible . yes, let's put her on a plane . in her wheelchair she can't get up out of . and when she shats herself there on the plane . we'll somehow squeeze 2 of us into the little tiny bathroom on a plane . and clean all that up .. and her not even able to "stand" very well.
Excellent plan. N.O.T.
If anyone even so much as muttered a single utterance of trying to do that, I'd run so fast there'd be nothing but dust .. and I'm not a runner!
No one has even mentioned it. SIL's daughter was married previously .. and that wedding was the wedding of all weddings! A resort on the coast of San Fran in CA .. and all the bells and whistles and so forth.
In fact, I've kinda marveled at how out of touch I am. This wedding (#2 for SIL's daughter) is being planned with all the pzazz of a debutante wedding. I had no idea people go all out, when it's a 2nd wedding. Guess I don't have a clue!
MIL went to that wedding . she was on a cane in those days .. and SIL came here, retrieved her mom . and then back to IL they went . and from there to CA .. to the wedding, then a rented car and drove to Las Vegas . and spent a few days.
So she "did" get to go. Just won't be going to this one.
On another note, . took my dad to his PC appt today. Got there to retrieve him and learned by one glance at his skinned up knees . both of them. He fell the other day (Sunday). Out in the back patio . it was said, . trying to put the cover back on the grill outside . how it got removed is anyone's guess, he didn't do it.
And he fell ..
Skinned up knees, shins .. and bruised up hands . and sore.
And .. it turns out . he'd done this without his wife's knowledge . .not sure where she was (she wouldn't of been a lot of help anyway . and couldn't in the end) . she had no idea he'd fallen out there . and so . he was stuck out there, couldn't get up .. for about 2 hours, he says.
I guess K missed him after a while and went on the hunt. When she found him . she tried to get him up but wasn't able to do so. Went to a neighbor and the neighbor did come and they managed to get him up. Him on blood thinners and so skinned up knees and shins . bloody mess.
My response after admonishing him for his frivolous actions: "well dad as we say in my household, if you're gonna be dumb, ya better be tough! .. or the other one used around here, *play stupid games, win stupid prizes".
Not sure the humor was appreciated. Oh well.
And sounds like the director came, . admonished/fussed at her, .. said to her "this keeps happening every other day .. you have to notify us . and you have to push the call button . you can't keep doing this without help".
Fussed at her.
Sounds like there's a bit of exaggeration . we're only aware of 2 falls .. and not "every other day".
But whatever. He's right, . she can't keep doing on her own.
It's interesting as a bystander to this.
The argument coming from this corner, ..
SIL: "She says they take too long to come, and they aren't kind .. some of them act like she's a big PITA . and so she just doesn't call them".
Me . asking DH . who was talking to his sister: What is it they suggest? She says they take too long . and they aren't kind .. and they say she has to call them. What's their suggestion?
SIL answering that question: "None . they didn't have a solution".
DH weighing in: "She doesn't call them .. she's not going to . she's given up on calling them .. they take too long . and when they do come .. they aren't pleasant . .and so she's given up, she's not gonna call them".
In the end, . sounds like SIL told her mom . for in the future (FWIW) .. "you have to call them . you have to . whether they are or aren't nice . whether they take too long or not . you have to . and if they treat you like you're a PITA .. then just tell them you have to, . that so and so said so (the director).
SIL talking to DH .. persuading, or trying to .. DH who says he's going by there in the AM to check on their mom . SIL trying to persuade him to talk to them there .. on site .. that there needs to be a solution .. she won't push the call button because they take too long and aren't pleasant . .and they want her to push the call button . and ask for their help . there has to be a solution.
I didn't say it . because I stay out of it all and have no intent to go wage this battle, but my thoughts:
She would almost need 1 on 1 help .. she has loose bowels that .. she gets the urge . it's almost too late, that quick . who can respond that quick? That's not going to happen . unless you have 1 on 1 . .and that's not reality. .
These CNA's have .. at best probably 8 or 9 other residents to care for . and maybe some of those 8 or 9 also in diapers and loose bowels . and so MIL rings the call button . they are already in resident's room . helping with loose bowel issue .. and they can't .. they simply cannot come right now . not possible . not going to happen.
So MIL soils her diaper she now wears . all the time ... it happens. Not pleasant at all . I wouldn't want to sit in a soiled diaper either .. yuk.
But . short of 1 on 1 help . what else is there? So she soils her diaper and has to sit til they come .. whenever that is ..
It is what it is.
I didn't weigh in .. those are just my thoughts ..
I just think . you guys are barking up a tree with no leaves on it . you really are. She's not going to call them . she's just not gonna do it.
So . falls .. are gonna happen . and likely one of em . eventually . like the one she is still working to recover from (a institutional setting . and told not to ambulate alone . fell and broke her hip) .. it's coming . another fracture .. somewhere on her . from yet another fall. It's coming.
And likely right in time for one of the trips that we've set in our path.
I guess .. we see at that point whether DH really meant it . when I questioned before buying into going on any trips .. "but your mom . if she gets sick or injured?". His answer: "We can't live our lives with what if's".
I pulled the trigger on "go" for some travel. And now . .here's the warning bell.
Asked him tonight, "so what happens now . when your mom has a serious injury .. ".
Answer: "I dunno"
.
Expecting MIL to use her call button to summon help before she attempts to get up is RIDICULOUS. FUTILE. NONSENSICAL.
It will not happen.
They have to work on a completely different assumption. They have to approach her safety on the basis that SHE IS NOT GOING TO USE HER CALL BUTTON.
Blame dementia, stubbornness, staffing ratios or whatever you like. MIL's brain function is impaired, slightly or very much so, and this process...
Want to get up
Press button
Wait for assistance
... is now beyond her. The why of it matters less than that it is so.
They have two options. Actually, they're not options. Both of these things must happen:
#1 accept the falls risk
#2 establish a routine of attended bathroom visits.
Bear in mind that I was providing my mother with one-to-one care 24/7. Short of literally sitting next to her all of the time, I could not prevent her from getting up unattended. I had chair and bed alarms, and I would be there within sixty seconds - or three minutes if I was in mid-pee, which seemed to happen at least daily - but I could not get there *before* she got up.
She would always say "I didn't want to bother you." Later I realised that the truth was more she didn't want me bothering her. And then later still I realised that the entire, basic idea was not entering her head.
You'd have thought that people in a facility, with all their training and experience, would know this, eh. But the 100% CAN'T reality of it is still hard to fathom. You explain, she promises to comply, on the surface of it you think it's still going to work.
Nope. It won't work. She won't use her call button and they must stop relying on her to do so.
Asked him tonight, 'so what happens now . when your mom has a serious injury ...'
Answer: 'I dunno.'"
He's going to not go on the trip, then. His guilt wouldn't allow for him to do otherwise. But what about you? Would you then go without him?
There also needs to be a thorough discussion of MIL's cognition and mental health challenges, and what the plan for dealing with them is, going forward.
When these situations arose with my mom, I'd spend 5 minutes with her visiting and reassuring and 2 hours in a care meeting, wrestling with these issues. That's how you get your loved one good care.
(Edit) Just to be clear, I'm talking about DH and SIL via phone at this meeting, not Dorker.
But this isn't (and can't be) Dorker's battle to fight.
Just suggesting that she might coach DH on how to best get his mom's needs met, instead of wringing his hands.
In my family, my POA brother just kept telling mom to stop having a pity party until we got an actual dx of cognitive issues, complete with an MRI that showed stroke damage. From there on in, he "got" my mom's limitations in understanding and reasoning and gladly went toe to toe with staff to get her the best care.
And yes, he's an engineer.
How's that working out for ya?
But anyway .. this morning's convo with DH as he heads out to go check on his mom and her fall from yesterday evening:
Me: "DH I told your sister when she was last here in town and there was a Care Team Meeting .. I told her at that time, she needs to discuss with them, . that your mom needs to be put on a potty schedule, . I don't know, they come every 2 hours . like it or not . time to go potty .. whether she "has to go or not" and off we go . .to the bathroom .. but your sister, I asked here after that meeting did she bring that up . and she only said that no .. she didn't, . they probably don't have time for that. I asked her, "did you ask them?" .. she said no.
DH: "Mom doesn't push the button .. I'm there enough .. she just doesn't .. she's not going to .. she's just gonna do on her own .. and ... man oh man .. let me tell ya . the other day when I was there and had to help her change out of those slacks . and into a different pair of slacks . she's got no legs under her . she just doesn't . nothing there .. so weak . she's been in PT now for what, months? She's got nothing as to legs . just feeble and wobbly . and .. .she's not gonna push that button . she doesn't do it . she just struggles on her own .. to do it".
Me: That's why she needs to be put on a potty schedule, ... and they come . and tell her, it's time to go potty . and she'll balk . ."I don't have to go right now" . but . go anyway .. like a child.
DH: "She IS LIKE A CHILD ......... she thinks/acts .. like a child".
Me: Your sister was saying that so and so was kinda harsh and scolded her . (the director) .. and ..
DH: They need to be, . have to fuss at her like she's a child
Me: "She's not going to do it DH . you're going to have to get with the administration there . and have it set up for a potty schedule . so that they come get her .. what's the answer? They fuss at her, for not pushing the call button . she says she can't wait . and when they do come .. they are unkind .. what's the solution here, . the end result ... She's been there now just over two months . .and she's fallen twice . that we know of .. and .. it's directly because she doesn't call them . you say she won't .. she doesn't .. they say she has to . what's the answer .. the answer is in .. they need to put her on a potty schedule .. and work with the staff to get that in place"
DH: "HE needed to fuss at her . .. maybe that's what it'll take".
ME: "I don't think that's gonna do it . I think you need to be working with administration there, to get a meeting that you attend . and get to the bottom of her cognitive deficits . get that on the damn table finally . nobody wants to talk about that . but it's there, it's the damn reason she hits you everytime you go there, with the same sad saga .. what's my purpose here, what's next for me, what's the goal . on and on and on . everytime .. she doesn't remember that she's asked you that now, oh probably a 1000 times .. and same as the bathroom thing . you can keep telling her, . they can keep telling her . she's not gonna do it .. she says it . she says it herself . they take too long to come . .and when they do come . they are unpleasant, .. it can't be counted on that she'll do it . you have to work with staff there to find a solution".
DH: "She's gonna get up and keep doing this til she falls and breaks something else . it's gonna happen".
ME: "Yea probably .. but at least some of that can be mitigated in getting a potty schedule in place . or hope to be anyway".
And with that, the conversation turned to other matters not MIL related, and he was off and gone. To go check on his mom.
It won't get seen to, .. by either of them.
I need to dial down on reimbursement for a cancelled trip, should that be the avenue that befalls the whole thing.
As I told DH this morning: "WE ARE GOING ......... on these two trips we've planned . short of someone being on their dying last breath . as stated by an MD . we are going .. I don't care if it hairlips the devil".
And yes, . I would go without him .. yes!
The whirligigs she'd like to get spinning.
SIL to DH: "I just wish that we could find out why she has loose bowels".
DH didn't respond to that particular piece off the dialogue at all, as he was stuck on the piece on it all . ."Sister she doesn't push the button . she doesn't, .. she's not gonna".
I just wanted to scream (Instead I got up and walked out of ear shot) .. "She has had LOOSE FRICKIN BOWELS SINCE WELL BEFORE ALL THIS .............. she and probably better than 99% of others her age ................. it's a fact of life for most old people! Yes SIL . by all means que up the doc visits/tests/procedures . .and dial down on that issue next . and getting her hauled hither and yon for tests/procedures . that all have no answer in the damn end .. what the h377 ever ... and yea ya know, if you'd accept the fact that your mom is not special . she's just like probably every other resident there, with loose bowels .. and soiled diapers .. she's not special .. she isn't get that thru your damn head ... and so .. she's not gonna push the call button . because "they are unkind, and take too long" . what the h377 ever ... YOU DUMB CHIT ................ when you had her yourself, one on one care . you said yourself, she had you hopping constantly ... that was one on one .. that's not reality .. not in these settings . it's likely that the staff person has about 8 or 9 others . and the same "urgency" of whatever their issue is . and so .. you couldn't even hang with it, one on one ... try being one of them . .that has 8 or 9 to deal with .. just like her . or worse .. it's not reality SIL . it just isn't .. your mom isn't special . and she not have to deal with "Unkind" people . they aren't ALL UNKIND ..there's no way in h377 that's the case .. and so they take too long . what is that really .. really ..??... in reality . and her cognitive impairment . is it .. too long or is it her loss of concept of time management .. what is it .. really ... so they don't get there in time and she shats her diaper .. not unlike others residing there . yes . really really unpleasant .. but .. not unheard of . and pretty common in these settings . your mom is not special ... so she sits in a soiled diaper until .. UNTIL .... finally .. .the UNKIND person shows up . and cleans her up . like they likely just left room so and so doing .. and the room so and so before that doing .. she isn't gonna push the button . her processor is broken .. what a dumbazz you are
Instead I got up and walked away ... and didn't hear the rest of it.
And DH fretting about how she won't use her call button is another case in point. Words matter. She CAN'T use her call button. She is unable. Doesn't matter why, she can't. Once he gets that then he can all move on to alternative solutions.
The daily reality of dementia, cognitive impairment, whatever, is hard to grasp until you've watched it, and God knows it's hard enough when you're watching it close up day after day. It's far more natural to live in hope, believe that there are more Good Days than Bad Days, and that she'll "adjust" - though so she will adjust, only not in a good way!
Think about loss of initiation. We all know that elders in residential care often have difficulty eating and drinking unassisted. We blame caregivers and aides for putting things out of easy reach, not supplying spoons or straws, not using adapted utensils and crockery. Then you see loss of initiation, text-book style. The person is thirsty. You bring her her tea. She sees the tea. It is in front of her. The handle is by her hand. She does not drink. You ask if it's too hot. No, it's fine. She does not move. Don't you want your tea? Yes, I do, thank you. You lift the cup for her, start her off, and she drinks it thirstily AND replaces the cup in its saucer, as normal. !!!
The first message that goes from the brain to the hand is not getting through. That pathway has crumbled. THAT'S loss of initiation. No amount of clever design or smiling encouragement is going to help, you have do the beginning for her.
Things like this you more or less have to see to believe. They are bloody weird. I don't blame SIL for not getting it.
Me: "She is likely having to go more these days to the bathroom .. and putting herself at greater risk .. in the fact they have her on Lasix . if you remember, when she lived alone . she wouldn't take it . and explicitly said . she doesn't like it, it makes her have to go to the bathroom too much, it's too hard to be getting up and down and around . and so she didn't take it .. they have her on Lasix there .. and so she's likely having to go more .. and that puts her at greater risk for fall . that's why she needs needs needs to be on a potty schedule .. badly.
DH agreed . at least on the part of that dialogue as to the lasix that she used to refuse to take.
I'll have to remember that, and "toileting/bathroom schedule" . not potty. Your'e right.
Says he spoke with director, who says they are checking on her every 2 hours (I'm sure that is post fall protocol . not toileting). And that she is asking about being taken to hospital . says her leg hurts . the one with the broken hip from previous fall.
I reminded him .. in a text .. "that's great you spoke with so and so . and they're checking her every 2 hours .. .but that needs to be extended to . . like I suggested that sister get dealt with at the last care team meeting .. every 2 hours toileting schedule"
Turns out they have xray facilities on site. Who knew? I didn't.
But then SIL weighs in ... to DH .. "but they don't have an orthopedic doc to read the results".
On that one I weighed in .. "they need a radiologist to read the results . and I'm sure .. that's likely sent digitally for reading".
I reminded DH . as he has noted they are checking with/on her every 2 hours (which I'm pretty sure is a protocol for a post fall) .. reminded him ..
Weighing in on the group text, as I await the arrival of 3 kids here: "That's great they're checking on her every 2 hours . probably a post fall protocol .. can that be extended going forward . as you've said yourself she won't use the call button . can't .. it's her brain that doesn't process it . it's about her safety .. can you check with them . as to extending that going forward .. that they need to put her on a 2 hour toileting schedule .. she isn't gonna use the call button .. I had suggested to your sister (she's on this group text, seeing this) when she was last here and attended a care meeting . that they set that in place .. but she didn't do that .. can you ask them if they need a care meeting to get that in place".
SIL weighed in: "When I went to that care team meeting . it was only some nurse that doesn't even care for mom . and J the SW from the atty office .. and a SW from Purgatory. Maybe just leave things as is . and if a care meeting is needed . we'll do that".
Whatever.
Don't take it any extra step . and see if it can be done . and make excuses.