I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Love that word, theoretically.
Clinical protocols can be strict enough to appear unreasonable. For example, one of my best friends was utterly unable to even *try* to stand up, let alone walk. I'd sometimes take her to the doc. Often, the intake nurse would ask several questions about what happens when she stands up, walks, or walks fast - even though her total disability was right there on the computer screen.
I confess I kind of, y'know, blew up at one point. Got a good answer, though. Turned out that some nurses had to ask those questions. No. Matter. What. Others - more senior, with higher certifications - were authorized to read the screen, and skip dumb questions.
But I digress. Unless and until DH and/or SIL somehow get it together to acquire a cognitive eval, MIL will *always* be treated like she has sufficient marbles to push a call button, and more. No. Matter. What.
Hence, a proper diagnosis is not just valuable, but a treasure.
My assumption would be that they would need to put her as a status of someone needing to be checked in on with frequency since it would be known she's not going to be capable of requesting aid.
As things stand presently the status is all her marbles are lined up. If she needs help, it dawns on her to ask.
Thats certainly not true of her.
It surprises me theres been no mention (not that I'm aware of) by staff as them having recognized some deficit in her thinking.
They have a speech therapist assigned specifically to address her memory issues.
So how it is that obviously there is awareness as to "she cant remember what happened earlier today" ... and speech therapist assigned (or was... i think she ran the limit on that piece, it ended last week).. how is it that memory piece doesnt then pop up in the form of "gee she cant remember what we talked about this morning... maybe she also struggles with remembering to ask for assistance.. maybe thats why she keeps falling .. getting up unassisted).
Maybe they just dont care. Who knows.
If that has occurred, I'm not aware of it.
First, decide what you really want to do. Not what you want your SIL to do, or your MIL to do or your DH to do. If you want to stop being responsible for your MIL, then stop. Just announce that you are done. STOP! Your sister in law can order grocery delivery from wherever she is, books can be delivered, dog food can be ordered online with free shipping. If your MIL needs help with a shower, then there needs to be a bath visit done by an agency. She won't let them in the house? Then she goes without. someone, not you if you prefer not, can contact local area agency on aging to see about a bath aide and other assistance and see how it could be paid for. Your husband and SIL can call her to make sure she is not on the floor, or put in cameras to check on her. Your husband is not working 24 hrs/day so he can go see her at night and take her shopping if you all don't want delivery.
There will always be a reason why you can do it better, or just that you are local and SIL is not. But unless you want to keep doing this and then be pissed at them because you could not help your daughter, you have to stop being the enabler and make them figure it out.
And you wouldn't recognise her boundaries! Transformed. Only now under fire again, a bit, owing to developments beyond her control. We are cheering her on.
If that's true, unfortunately it's all on DH and/or SIL to find out how to make a cognitive eval happen.
I heard DH talking on the phone, to his mom, yesterday. Sounds like she went out of her room (wheelchair of course) and sat among the slumpers. Not sure why she did this .. but I did ask .. "Did they help her into her wheelchair, .. last I heard she was bed bound from the fall".
DH: "I don't know, . I guess ..??... I didn't ask her, . maybe she did it all on her own".
That's the kinda thing with collateral damage that will result .. that drives me up a tree to even hear about it.
She, more than likely, a few days past fall now, .. is no longer on the post-fall protocol of being checked on routinely as they were doing. And .. more than likely, is now scooting (somehow) out of bed on her own, and into the wheelchair, . and a fall .. it will occur, . not today maybe, but it will.
I don't know that to be the case, . .I'm just presuming. But DH didn't seem to find it all that concerning, . my questions of "Did she call for help ..???".
Didn't dawn on him, .. even though I've drilled it . that they should be getting her evaluated ... even though he readily admits .. she doesn't use the call button . unless prompted .. when he's there to do so.
Back to the ole .. "I can't care more than they do".
They obviously do not. So why it sends me into orbit . is beyond me!
I know no one can prevent all falls in the elderly . unless it's a Herculean type individual that sits vigil 24/7 . to swoop in . and break any fall.
I just suppose, . if it were me, .. I'd likely take the bull by the horns and at least see .. at the root of it all, . "if we get her evaluated as to cognitive impairment, does that at all change the level of care".
If the answer was "No".
Then I guess I'd drop it, . and just be frantic that she continues to help herself .. to get up and around . without help.
If the answer was "yes, it would help to change her care plan".
Then I'd be all over it like white on rice!
But .. this is nothing new. This was .. like 2 years ago, when MIL was hospitalized with a UTI .. and cognitive deficits were found in a screening .. and they recommended a more thorough look into that, .. even at that time.
It was, . chalked up to . "oh it's a UTI".
To my argument of: "What's the harm, it's not invasive . get it done . just to know for sure".
It wasn't done . in fact, .. it was directed to the Neuro doc .. post-hospitalization check up .. the PA there the medical personnel MIL was seen by .. SIL directing the show there .. me now returned to tending to newborns at that time, . and DD .. SIL directed that show .. "she doesn't need that right?, . it was just the UTI ... those are notorious for causing confusion and disorientation . it was just the UTI right, . we don't need to do that follow up on a cognitive evaluation . that's not necessary/ They shouldn't even be doing screenings inpatient . these folks are old and frail, disoriented and stressed having been put in a hospital setting . and then they want to count those results of a screening valid?!?!?".
AND ................. PA .. agreed with her, . "no that won't be necessary".
It's nothing new.
I had a friend who’s mother was in a very nice memory care
because she had long term care insurance. They aren’t allowed to restrain the patient. It was very evident that this
lady was in a deep state of dementia. She kept getting out of bed and breaking her hip or hitting her head etc...numerous times. They finally put her in something called a canoe bed.
she could shoot out of this too. The last thing they did was get a bean bag bed that she could not get out of. This was for her safety because she really didn’t realize she couldn’t walk. The laws are so unreasonable with people with dementia. All of her falls would have been avoided if she
could have been restrained or at least sedated. It’s very sad what our elderly have to go through and even sadder for the
loved ones who have to watch with no answers. I’m so sorry for all of the things all of you are going through.
The canoe bed and bean bag bed are interesting concepts. I haven’t heard of those.
I asked the DON if they could put a seatbelt on the wheel chair. She chuckled and said no.
dorker, our husbands are a lot alike! Mine is also the type to not ask questions. I’m like you, I would have asked how MIL got in to the wheelchair. I would be advocating for a psych consult or whatever it is that results in a dementia diagnosis. My husband’s thought process is “why does it matter” and “it doesn’t change anything”. I, on the other hand, want to know all the details and know what’s going on. I like to be proactive and plan ahead. He does not. He prefers to take things day by day. I do agree that your husband and SIL prefer to be in denial but I also get the impression based on things you’ve said that, your husband probably doesn’t think getting MIL a diagnosis will make any difference in her situation so he doesn’t want to bother with it, there’s No reason to deal with it. I sympathize with him and SIL but continuing to be in denial isn’t helping MIL. Maybe I’m naive but I truly believe that if she was formally diagnosed with dementia or at least confirmed cognitive decline, it would make a world of difference in the care she’s receiving in purgatory. She wouldn’t be treated like someone who has all their marbles. She would get more care, care appropriate for people with dementia. I understand the denial and not wanting to accept it but.....i wish SIL and husband would address the elephant in the room for their mother’s sake.
This person who can be so thorough and investigate things as to his work, and come up with answers .. and/or things he's gonna work on around here, .. or his hunting expeditions and legalities of lands . and so forth.
Yet . something as simple as .. "oh wow, she's getting up and about, I thought she was bedbound ... did she ask for help to get into her wheelchair".
That never dawned on him to even ask . nor did it even strike in him, when it was said to him by me, .. an epiphany of .. "oh wow, hadn't thought to ask that, maybe I'll find that out".
Just doesn't rate on his "need to know" wave length.
Yes, it's good she has sort of come up from the injury and to the degree she is seeking some sort of outlet in going out to the commons area.
As SIL described her words on it: "They're all nuts though . you know if I stay here in this God Forsaken place .. I'm gonna be just like em .. I just wish I could find somebody who has some damn sense .. those people .. that sit out there in that commons area . they're all nuts .. they're all so out of it".
SIL's next comment though: "But it does sound like . she's kinda .. I don't know, there's this woman Jo . used to be a hairdresser .. I don't even know how mom and this woman connected .. and the woman sounds like she's not all there .. and a few bricks short of a load . .but the woman comes and sets mom's hair for her .. and .. sounds like .. she and chatty cathy have decided that all three of them are going to leave that place and live together ... and take care of one another. Mom .... she's a lot of things . but she's not completely crazy . she knows that's not reality and can't happen. I was waiting for her to ask me, if they could all just go live in her home.. she asked me if she still has a home .. and I thought that's where she was gonna go next .. I told her yes, you still have a home .. she asked me if everything is still in it . and I told her, yes you still have a home and everything is still in it .. She said she just was curious . but she told me she knows that's not possible, .. so for all her problems .. at least she isn't completely crazy .. she knows that can't happen".
Strangest thing. DH went to see his mom yesterday evening .. after work. It was early-ish .. like 6 or so. Found her sound asleep . mouth gaped open .. and snoring, in her bed.
He didn't awaken her .. he sat there for a bit hoping she'd come to . and then he'd visit her . he just sat there, with her sleeping . his thoughts as he related them to me .. let her be at peace .. she's so tormented having to be in that place . if sleep brings her peace, then let her sleep. And so that's what he did.
BUT ...........
He'd been there about an hour, when her phone rang. It was SIL it turned out. The phone awakened her. She answered it .. told SIL that she was sleeping . and so .. SIL then told her to hang up she'd talk to her tomorrow. And as DH tells it .. she never even saw him . he didn't chime in ... when she picked up the phone and had that brief little interlude with her daughter. And as soon as she hung up .. then she did look around, but never saw him . he didn't say anything .. he was waiting .. kinda . for her to recognize his presence. She didn't. She looked around briefly but then pulled the covers up closer . and off she went again, deep sleep, snoring, mouth hanging open . out of it . gone/asleep.
I commented to DH: "She never even knew you were there?".
DH: "No .. never even knew I was there .. she looked around .. momentarily after she hung up from sister, but never saw me .. and I didn't know she was gonna snuggle up to go back to sleep . but that's what she did .. she didn't even wake up good . and so I didn't want to wake her . I just left".
Odd.
And the night before that . sounds like she had some kinda can't breathe episode,
Some kind of can't breathe episode. She'd pushed the call button . so she told her daughter .. yesterday in one of the numerous phone calls.
But no one came ... she told chatty cathy to get her help, she can't breathe . and chatty cathy I guess began to yell and holler, . and they call came running .. but nothing was found, vitals were checked, . everything registered fine .. but no origin was found . and I guess whatever that was, it passed, .. and all settled again.
So maybe that's why she was so out of it, that DH found her sleeping .. and so out of it, that she didn't even register his presence there.
She gets to Middle School and starts failing classes--she'd do all the work, but routinely forget to turn it in. This about made me crazy.
HEAVEN bless the first period teacher who waded into the murky waters of "you might want to have her tested"--what he said was "I just think A's meds haven't fully kicked in by 8 am. " HER WHAT??? I get her in to the counselor and go through the hoops of having her tested and on a small dose of Ritalin for the next 6+ years, gets through Jr High, High School and then an Associate's Degree. BRILLIANT mind, just things weren't clicking for her. She is 41 and still taking meds on occasion to help her.
First child--she'd been so amazingly successful to the point of Middle School it would NEVER have seemed to me she had any kind of learning issue. THE SCHOOLS were not allowed to mention it, and I wonder how long they would have gone with her falling farther and farther behind. One other daughter--same problem, but it was caught and managed much earlier.
Probably the same with MIL. Ya'll are waiting for the NH to make the push for DX and they are all waiting for YOU to ask for a cog eval. IT WILL NOT HAPPEN IF YOU DON'T ASK FOR IT. Trust me, they know what's wrong with her, the 'label' will just allow them to treat her as such: cognitively impaired.
All this dancing around her behavior and hand wringing and fussing is ridiculous. Either step away completely and don't even talk about her to SIL or DH, or push to get her a cog eval. Then y'all can openly talk about the elephant in the room and deal with it. Right now you're all just playing ignorant--"gee, I wonder why Mother acts that way" Because her mind is broken and it cannot be fixed, but it can be dealt with and she can be 'happy'. If you understand the problem, you can work around it.
I sure hope this weekend away provides some respite form all this geriatric b'chit.
Today .. I am sick/sick/sick SICK of it all. I really really am!
Midkid had advised .. just don't talk about it . just walk away from it all. But how can you when the thermostat of our lives depends upon the precipitation of the whole MIL saga and it's daily ongoing saga.
It's like our lives .. are all centered at what the weather is doing in that arena .. things are upended in that realm . .well so goes it in our lives. And far too often, things are upended, and so goes it .. in our lives.
Yesterday's saga .. found that MIL was asleep (yet again) when SIL tried to call her (mid day). That SIL found her sleeping .. and awakened her by calling. Found in her mom . that she is sad/depressed/blue .. and that .. as she put it in telling her daughter, "I'm just sad/depressed at what my life has become .. sleep is the only escape .. and .. I can feel my mind slipping further and further away from me".
This she reported to SIL . along with the fact that she'd gotten herself dressed (I guess unassisted, I didn't ask) .. and waited for PT guy to come retrieve her, .. he never came. Disgusted and disappointed (it IS her one goal ... daily .. her one thing to look forward to) .. he never came. Disgusted and downtrodden, she got back into her pj's and went back to bed.
SIL I guess dialing down on why did the PT guy never come to retrieve her (who knows if any of this had been explained to MIL .. before or during . or whatever, and she forgot, or if they simply neglected to tell her at all, who knows) .. the PT guy hadn't come in, had car trouble. That MIL's .. PT .. has now been cut to 3 x's weekly rather than daily ... not sure if MIL was told that piece either . don't know, and maybe forgot .. or maybe they didn't even tell her, who knows.
This after SIL having made an appt for her mom at the hair salon on Monday (the only day the salon is operational there) . and they too .. never came for her. SIL dialing down on that saga .. the gal that runs the place was sick . and so the salon wasn't open on it's normal Monday . will be open next week on Monday it was said. Did they tell MIL this and she forgot .. did they neglect to tell her, .. did she reach out on her own to determine what's fallen thru as to why they haven't retrieved her .. who knows.
She'd been weighed yesterday and is now down an add'l 4 lbs . not eating . not really. Just not interested .. Boost/Ensure shakes .. don't know . has anyone entertained that notion .. don't know ..
Just ranting.
I wish I could live a life that isn't precipitated by the weather in that corner. It so does though, seemingly, how it goes in her circumference is how the bar gets set in this corner.
MIL has a hiccup and we must all now stand at attention and ponder why is she having a hiccup, did she eat the wrong thing? Did she have gas that's unexplained, should we know run to a gastro doc . and dial down on that, . maybe we should discover what she's eating .. blah blah blah blah.
MIL has a hang nail . we must now all stand at attention to discover why she would be befallen with a hang nail . what has she done that she shouldn't have to be doing . creating a hang nail.
An exaggeration . but .. that's the jist of it.
My only response, audible/vocalized: "It's a shame that it's like she's being punished .. for getting old .. but .. sure wish she could find some happiness .. she'll probably never be *happy* again .. but contentment maybe .. contentment .. if she could find that".
Just sick of it all.
I have to think there are realms where people's lives go on . yes there will be upset when there is a frail elderly and something goes awry .. yes there will be need to be attentive to issues that arise. Aware of that, .. and not a problem with that.
But..... e-v-e-r-y-d-a-y .... of our lives ......... seems to hinge, .. the mood
On what has occurred in the MIL realm. Everyday.
It's whether her hair looks a sight, . they didn't come get her for a shower, . they didn't come get her for hair salon . they didn't come get her for PT .. she's got chitapalooza again, . she's plugged up and constipated again . she is sad/blue/depressed .. she can't breathe . she's not eating .. someone was unkind to her, . the wheelchair thief took something . it's e.v.e.r.y.d.a.y.
Do people actually live a life with an elderly in their midst .. that their world doesn't hinge .. on whether it's all gone to chit in that corner . and in her corner, .. it's daily .. it's gone to chit ..
Was trying to think, has there been a good day . where it's been reported something to the tune of .. "gee, sounds like MIL had a good day today . she visited with so and so . and enjoyed that .. and she ate good . they served ______ and_____ and she said it was really tasty . and she was able to rest . and she hadn't had chitapalooza .. things are good today".
As I heard DH vocalizing on some of this .. .his words: "That's why I struggle so with all this .. I wish that I had the ability to just take care of her, . I'd do it ... I feel so guilty that her life is so miserable . and on some level . it's my fault that I can't take her on . and do for her . and at least make her life more palatable".
My response to that to him: "DH .. your sister did it .. are you saying she's incapable . she did it for months . and it just about put her on her face . she couldn't do it . your mom needs a STAFF ... around the clock . you couldn't do that . you'd have to quit work, quit church . quit hunting . and any other thing you wish to do with your time and be at her beckon call as to all her outstanding need . 24/7 .. you can't do it . no one single lone person can".
It gets met with the sadness/despair that all this hangs on all the time.
There's no convincing him .. that .. it's not your fault your mom got old and frail, it's no one's "fault" .. it's not your "fault" you aren't independently wealthy and can't be there for her .. and do her c'giving 24/7 .. it's not yours to own.
I can say it til I am choking on the words .. it doesn't do any good.
You try just listening . and not chiming in . and sadness prevails .. always .. you try countering with something akin to the above . it doesn't change it.
Our lives . hinge on the sadness that is his mom's plight .. and I'm sick of it.
I look at the situation with my dad .. true .. the bond . the bond that was his mom and her life . the bond that was my dad and his life . very very different ..
But my dad and his wife . the tale of woe on their end. Their lives .. are no picnic .. and I know that. His wife (as told to me by dad) would like nothing better than to send that paid c'giver packing (just the intrusion of someone in your presence, .. all the time . and their way of doing things vs your way) .. she'd like to send her packing . dad .. disagrees . she's needed there, and so she stays. Their lives are no picnic either right now.
BUT MY LIFE AND EXISTENCE SO DOES NOT HINGE ON THEIR HAPPINESS OR UNHAPPINESS. IT JUST DOES NOT.
And I won't let it.
I have a much firmer grasp and clarity on the piece of all this: Their happiness or unhappiness is not my responsibility ... they have lived their lives . what were they doing when they were my age .. they were doing as they please . for the most part, .. and that's what I'm going to do .. I am NOT going to let their frailties and their need .. and sadness .. so dictate my existence .. every day of my life. . I have a life too ... and by damn I'm gonna find a slice of what I want in my life .. as they did when they were this age. All of them . my dad . his wife . and MIL TOO.
You're so right!
I don't think she will ever .. come to any kind of ... "okay . well this is life as I know it now . and let me put on my big girl pants and move along with it here". Her brain is broken . .and she's not going to be able to.
I think SIL has indeed ... to some degree (sans the whirligigs and top spinning and hamster wheel running) . has gotten a better grasp of the whole piece of the whining . and .. letting it bounce off of her in the knowledge . she can't own it ..
Yes, she will set in motion any number of magic fairy dust and whirligigs in effort to right the course of all that's wrong.
But the ... whining, the incessant whining . and complaints .. she's gotten a whole lot better .. A WHOLE LOT .......... than DH is.
She hears the same complaints . and is able to answer it with something akin to: "Yea mom, I hear ya .. it's not pleasant .. I would probably not like it either, so tell me about that show you watched the other day" (deflect and change the subject and move on). The complaints start again ... "they're mean to me here .. some of these people are just not kind". "Yea I know mom . it's a hard job these folks do .. I'm sure they can't all be Mary Sunshine and smiles and roses ... So what'd you guys work on in PT today?". (divert/deflect and change the subject).
She has gotten to be a master at that. She still hears the complaints . and some of it .. like yesterday when PT never showed up . and MIL seemingly . either incapable of dialing down on the whole thing on her own, .. or had been told and forgot . .who knows ... SIL then enacts her whirligigs to set about finding out how that fell thru the cracks . .and prompts action on their parts to then go explain to her (as if she'll remember when they do) .. why it is that PT fell thru . or as was the case w/the missed hair salon appt . and SIL dialing down on that ...
Some of it, .. .she dials down on .. and gets her hamster wheel rolling .. to get answers .. and so be it. If she wants to do so . more power to her. And good on her, that she's gotten to where she can deflect/divert . change the subject, . .acknowledge her mom's complaints .. and then move on. Good on her, that she's gotten that piece of it, and more importantly . that in her, . there is no "owning" it . she simply doesn't "own it" . and let it take her to any place of despair that it takes DH to.
The difference in the two .. is that DH does "own" it. He does let it take him to a place of despair.
I'm not sure at all, that I get that. Maybe it's because the only dipping of the toes into the water that I've experienced of all this . is with my dad . who I'm not all that close to . .never have been. So his sadness, his frailties . his woes .. aren't mine to own .. never have been, never will be. I'm just not that close to him . never was.
I don't know that I "get it" . that it so takes him to such despair . .all his mom's 'whinings and incessant complaints. It frustrates me that his mood .. so hinges on his mom's complaints .. and it truly truly does . in him.
When DH takes the time to talk about it all .. and he does .. from time to time . he sees it .. that she cannot be in any other setting than where she is . she needs to be there .. and he sees it . the frustrations of her non stop complaints ..
But mostly .. that doesn't get verbalized . mostly it's just the pall of sadness that prevails around it all.
What things bring you joy? Focus on those. Not saying just dismiss DH's feelings, but just realize he's only seeing the situation through the same lens as his mom rather than for what it is. He might feel more empowered if/when he realizes he can/takes the initiative to work more closely with MIL's care team, but whether he will or not, well, that's on him. Meanwhile, try to do something every day for yourself that makes YOU happy, and think on the things that bring YOU joy. And be there for DH and the rest of your family, but try not to absorb their feelings and take those on as your own. It's what happens a lot when you are a highly empathetic person, but it can weigh you down unnecessarily.
True, those little ones are at an age . right now . that "enjoying" them .. is best done in limited settings . they are INTO EVERYTHING these days .. and w/no regard at their age . for the danger they place themselves. One climbing up onto the top of of the piano the other day .. the other one . .having climbed up to I guess do a dance on the dining room table, this while I worked to fix their lunch and them . no eyes upon them, for that moment.
The other g'child, the 5 yo ..
Just this morning .. DD asked of me, if I have time to go and take her to see a movie, or spend some time with her.
Yes, . I will likely in a little while ...
But DH handed me a curve this morning . of going thru . .with a fine tooth comb . a contract he's been sent .. 30 some odd pages . for some upcoming job he is considering taking on .. and wants me to comb thru it .. and notate anything of concern, so I've been doing that . as well as calling the party that sent the contract.
Yesterday . was spent with some of the minutia that gets attended to .. most of the day .. as to the biz . and household bills .. and the day before that .. was a doc appt for my dad .. and so carting him around, . that one a long one . he had to go to a local hospital for his appt . and part of that was an xray in one end of the hospital and the doc appt at the other end, . necessitating a wheelchair . as he's not that ambulatory to do all that walking . and so most of the day was taken by that endeavor.
I was .. maybe having a pity party .. earlier . and pondering . what happened to "MY LIFE" ................ the life that I was enjoying at one point . that I had departed the MIL scene .. and ... on purpose .. my dad not yet having fallen off any rails . and needing my help and I could "make the time" .. to enjoy what I want .. be that just quiet day of reading .. or .. getting in the kitchen to concoct a new recipe .. or .. taking the g'kids to experience the joy there .. what happened.
It seems like every day now brings the sadness .. the despair . in the mood . the thermostat around here .. of the saga of MIL . and .. along with that . the tugging at me, of the "other" needs .. and so making "time" for what I "enjoy" .. somewhat hinges on the mood of the moment . .but also . on the fact that others "need" me.
Nothing new that I would be needed as to biz matters. That's not new .. that's always been there.
It just seems that there's no way .. to calibrate my own mood .. when the sadness and despair of MIL and her tale .. so permeates the existence and the barometer in this household.
I think part of it is the (I'm generalizing here!!!) male personality - they need to fix. DH and I laugh - i'll just want to vent about something & he immediately starts in offering suggestions - they are oriented to fixing when I just need him to listen.
You MIL can't be fixed, her situation is what it is. He needs to eventually learn that he is not responsible for her happiness - she is. And her mind is broken and she is physically failing. The best that can be done for her is to keep her safe and tended to with dignity. Nothing you have written about purgatory indicates that they are letting her down here.
Our elders are living far too long past their shelf lives these days.
My Dh has never put his mother in the forefront of his life. He barely acknowledges her presence--and for many very good reasons. He is not unkind to her, he is NOTHING to her. If she calls and has a need, he attends to it, comes home and tells me he's a terrible son and I agree and life goes on. He never changes and he won't. He just feels bad and then--whatever.
Yet my MIL is every bit as big a Narc as MIL is, she just has a little better health and money to pay for the things she needs. And a VERY co-dependent daughter.
But bless SIL's heart, she doesn't even call DH with MIL's worries. Almost never.
He has been through so much and his mother has not acknowledged or even acted like she knew what was happening--how can you have a liver transplant and not acknowledge that it happened? She gets so stressed out at him--she actually would yell at him for being ill.
For YEARS he laid that guilt at my feet, like it was my responsibility to create a relationship with her and also take the negative nastiness she spews out.
My MIL has planned better--so she can live alone and I honestly don't know what she does for care of her home, etc. I am no longer allowed inside the house. Great!!
The other day my SIL and BIL came by to see me--the night before my 1st chemo. I did ask SIL how MIL was and she said "Oh, she's having some problems with sciatica" She's almost 90 and THAT'S all she has?? I just said "well, we all know what that feels like."
Do I think my MIL cares one happy rat's tush what is going on in my life? Nope. If one of my sweet inlaws had cancer I'd be doing everything I could to make their lives easier. Shoot, my SIL has Celiac's disease and I am so careful to cook gluten free for him. And he's a grown man who can eat or not eat what he wants.
Sadly, your MIL has wasted any love of her fellow man on herself. She's never going to be happy. She may be 'content' but I'd doubt it.
It really sounds like you need to cut off talking to SIL again. You are still involved with your dad--and he comes first. Give calls/texts from SIL a break. Seems like she's slowly inculcated herself into your daily life and that is NOT acceptable in this situation.
I have slowly come to the understanding that you truly, really cannot change people. You can only change how you relate to them. Sometimes we have to cull through our 'friends' and make some cuts. I haven't spoken to my YB who houses mother for almost 2-1/2 years. And it's fine. I'd rather be on speaking terms, but we're not. And I don't expect it to change.
Hope you can get a breather--but please do step away from SIL, Tell Dh he can talk out his anger about MIL with SIL, but not you. You've done it before, you can do it again!!