I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Did you read this post from the beginning dated June 2017? MIL had been in her home with Dorker running herself ragged taking care of MIL. MIL is not prescription compliant, or following medical advice from her doctors. She has made in clear she doesn’t want anyone coming to her home. She is a serious fall risk plus she has a menu of health issues. So suggesting letting her be in her home with hired health care workers isn’t going to work. She rather run her family ragged.
Most of of us have followed Dorker’s journey from page one. Dorker has been MIL and SIL’s puppet for too long. Please read post from the beginning.
I'm sure MIL does not believe she has dementia and would probably push back over a cog assessment.
Have no idea if SIL and H think that somehow there is a stigma attached to any dx of Dementia. Don't know.
It was interesting listening to DH talk to my youngest brother's wife and their conversation. She took in her mom, to her home .. last six months or so of her mom's life (lived to be 94 yo, and lived alone prior to going to live with my sister in law). Brother's wife imparting to DH ... "they all tried to tell me, .. (her 2 sisters and brothers) .. that it's too much, . that she needs skilled care, but I wouldn't listen, I wouldn't hear of it .. boy were they right .. if I had it to do over again, . I'd of LISTENED to them .. I had to have it my way and bring her into my home to care for, .. it ended up being scary and a nightmare .. and more than I could handle, .. it was fast approaching that I was then going to have to move her to a facility and out of my home, but she died ...
Her going on to impart to DH . that at least his mom is in a facility and being looked after, . that .. in the end, . that is what's best for "all" involved. Sure she's not happy ... but as she put it, "my mom wasn't either, and that was with me, providing 24/7 care" ... but .. at least she is cared for there, her meds are dispensed, her meals, . she's safe .. she's clean ...
This at DH expressing how heartbreaking it is . when he goes to see his mom and her sadness.
The latest from that corner, . her Medicaid pending . has now moved to approved. I suspect now the push will begin to "get me out of this God Forsaken place" .. she will want to go to "We are Family". We are Family is AL as their label .. but they pride themselves in their mantra that they don't shove those who age and become more frail, out the door, they hang on to them there .. .and being there to view the site that is very true. They have any number of folks that look just like what is viewed where MIL is presently. Same frailties.
I question the wisdom of moving her . if it should come to that, as this "We are Family" as an AL .. .doesn't have on site PT. The site where she presently resides, does . .and it is in large measure MIL's only daily goal .. to be participatory in PT. That won't be available to her at We are Family. Hopefully the powers that be will take that into consideration .. as it's pondered moving her, but out of my hands.
Fortunately, .. DH and SIL both agree on the following. At one point, MIL so on that train of thought that she wants to get moved to We are Family . and so SIL set it up (this was several weeks back) that someone from We are Family . come and talk to MIL. That did transpire .. and that individual did say that MIL is a good candidate for their site . and offered to MIL, at that time, they'd send a transport . and have her hauled there to view their site. MIL declined at that time .. (she probably would decline today . for that matter) ... because she felt it was more than she could manage, to be hauled off to go there. But .. SIL and H both agree, . if there is to be a move to We are Family, it needs to be predicated by a visit from MIL to the site to view it for herself.
DH mentioned working that angle, to see if he couldn't get that arranged, . for them to send transport for MIL . and bring her on site, to view it. He too isn't convinced that will be any better a setting . and improve her "mood" .. and .... the realization there in him, .. none of these places, . yea they can stake claim to the fact that they don't put up with harsh treatment by their staff . .and that their staff are all very caring . and kind .. and loving . they all say that .. til you find, .. that isn't the case ... they're not gonna tell ya otherwise .. they stake that as their
They stake that as their claim to fame .. that they are very very much about oversight of their staff and make sure their staff are all very loving and kind, . and those that can't act in that capacity are dismissed immediately.
She's not going to find a lot of difference in the settings .. albeit .. We are Family is not a 200 bed facility . it's more like maybe 100 .. would be my guess . if that much. Smaller. But the same slumpers abound there ..
I guess we'll see what transpires next on that front.
Also the latest . is that there was apparently some fist fight among staff out in the hallway as reported to SIL by MIL .. and SIL now I guess, wanting to get to the nitty gritty of what that might've been about, to call staff and MIL forbidding SIL to do so, .. "they're gonna think that I'm running and tattling on every thing that goes on here, now you leave it alone, and don't call them". So SIL decided not to do so .. as SIL put it, . "nobody threw a fist at mom . so .. I left it alone, didn't dial down on it".
MIL also reporting to DH .. that she'd been on the toilet, when arriving in her room was the one CNA . that MIL knows .. as well as someone accompanying her, .. another CNA (maybe a trainee, who knows) . .two CNA's arrived in MIL's room, MIL on the toilet. As MIL reports it to DH . the two were just jawing . chit chatting and having a gabfest . when she spoke up, MIL did, .. "could one of you come help me to get up" .. I guess the inference there, the two were just jib jabbing and talking and not paying any attention to her and her needs . and so she spoke up and asked for assistance . and now that one CNA . the one that MIL was previously familiar with .. part of the staff that attends to MIL . doesn't speak to her any longer, . she comes in . to check on her, but .. I guess the inference there, .. that she somehow pizzed off this one CNA by asking . "could one of you come help me to get up" and interrupted their gabfest . so now that one CNA doesn't speak to her and is unfriendly.
As DH said he put it to his mom: "There's gonna be bad apples in every bunch mom .. at least she comes to check on you .. she doesn't have to be friendly . don't try to talk to her, . just ask for what it is you need and leave the rest of it be".
Said his mom's reply was: "I'm just so sick of this chit . these people that are so nasty".
And on another front with all that, the fall from a week or so .. two weeks back . where the concern was that she'd re-injured her hip again, same one that was surgically repaired a few months ago. She now has SIL working to get her seen by the surgeon that repaired the hip .. that she thinks there is something wrong, she walks with a limp now when they have her on the walker in PT . and it hurts still .. she thinks the (her words) "rinky dink" outfit they sent there, with their mobile xray equipment . maybe they just didn't pick up on it, and it really is injured. So she has SIL working to get her an appt to be seen by the group that repaired the broken hip a few months back .. to see if it is indeed alright, or really injured and that "rinky dink" mobile xray out fit is just full of crap.
I haven't heard anything from my dad's front . and so no news is good news, as far as I'm concerned. I'd been away over the weekend, he was aware I was heading out of town for the weekend, .. and I haven't heard from his corner, . nor have I reached out since I returned yesterday to check on that front.
Dorker, you saw first hand that MIL was UNHAPPY even at home! Daily she complained to SIL about something and SIL jumped on the phone to get everyone hopping to make MIL happy by fixing the latest thing, which never really made her happy.
My parents wore themselves out, taking turn sleeping on my grandmother's couch nightly so that she could stay in her home and she was NEVER happy! She slept maybe an hour at the time and screamed all night, getting up and down from the potty to the chair to the bed, over and over and over. She wanted more and more and more of my mother's time and attention. When she became 100% bedridden, even the doctor heavily pushed my mom to put her into SNF, telling my mom that my grandmother would surely outlive her if she kept this up. It aged my parents heavily and robbed them of the years they were supposed to spend traveling and having fun. When my grandmother finally passed away, my dad developed several health issues which made him want to just stay home....
He remembers that well (as do I).
So she wasn't happy, even living at home. She's not going to be.
The conversation DH and my sister in law had over the weekend, .. her talking about her mom who was so ready to go and questioned why is she still here, . no quality of life left . that her mom complained that she was now having to be diapered and subjecting her daughter to that .. and complaints that her fluids now were having to be thickened .. to such degree the consistency was more like pudding than anything fluid .. so as to not choke. Her bedridden, . .no longer ambulatory and pressure sores on her heels of her feet.
DH sharing with my sister in law, that his mom says the same things (though she doesn't have pressure sores, and doesn't have to have fluids thickened . not yet and isn't completely bedridden).
Sister in law imparting to DH that she would literally pray "WITH" her mom .. and ask God to come for her, that her work here was done . she'd been a good daughter, good sister, good mom, good wife .. and she's tired .. come for her. They'd both pray together .. her suggesting to DH he may want to do that.
I turned to DH and asked him, "What do you think . what's your opinion .. what would it take for your mom to be happy again?".
DH: "I don't think she'll ever be happy again, .. in this life . she's ready to go ... she questions why she has to live this hellish existence .. she's ready .. wants to leave this life . and you hate to "pray" for your mom to die . that's awful .. but that's what it comes down to .. you end up praying that God would take her".
He and my sister in law having this conversation. So .. I know that he realizes .. her happiness .. it can't be fixed. But .. he's not able to .. compartmentalize it . as he should be able to try to do . maybe that comes in time .. I don't really know.
I asked him in that same conversation does he think that his mom feels there is unfinished business here with the son who is estranged . .and wishes to reconcile that whole thing before she departs. He says he doesn't think so, that he thinks his mom realizes she will depart this life .. with no clear answers as to why that all hasn't been fixed.
It was very interesting .. at least having someone face to face with him . someone who has lived this with their own parent and their take being imparted to him.
Has she spent down her money? What about the reverse mortgage on the house? Does that have to be cleared out ASAP?
Good news on the no news from your dad. But aren't the results of his test to look for the markers that would mean the Keytruda will work due about now? Maybe he's figured out another way to get to the oncologist to find out the results of those tests?
So glad you were able to get away and have a relaxing weekend!
It seems I remember that Medicaid will not pay for “We are
Family” due to it being an assisted living facility and not a
SNF or nursing home. I think they will pay part to the cost but not all of it for assisted living. SIL needs to check on that before she goes to see it and decides that’s the place to be.
She is probably at the best place she’s going to ever get.
I think that our elders think they should have a room at the
Ritz and have a little bell to ring for their personal assistant.
That would work if you have put away the money for that
kind of service. No one ever thinks they are going to get old.
The nursing homes are full of those people!
Glad you had a nice few days to enjoy yourself!
If she is entitled to both ... its do-able cost-wise. If not ... we are short $1245 monthly as to a residence at WAF.
That would almost certainly make a move to WAF not possible as DH as well as his sister would need to split that cost monthly.
Wonder why there is so much murky info on this topic.
Betty Medicaid states that in MIL's present setting (LTC/SNF) her A&A would only amount to $96 monthly.
But in AL the max is $1245 and she can indeed collect both Medicaid stipend and A&A.
With her combined
SS income
a small (very small) pension
A&A
Medicaid AL stipend
It would barely cover the cost. I think she'd be left with just over $50 as to any personal allowance monthly.
It's still debated and with some clarity on DH's and on SIL's part's .. whether it would be suitable for her at WAF.
She does have routine fecal incontinence problems. She also vacillates from that, to the other extreme .. constipation (less common in her). She also has whatever as to cognitive impairment (un dx'd) and does NOT NOT NOT NOT use the call button for help .. not consistently .. just "forgets". Falls result.
How WAF calls itself AL is beyond me, .. as I've visited there and there are any number of "slumpers" there, just as there are where she presently resides.
And their claim to fame there . is the whole piece about, "We try to hang onto our residents and not necessitate that they move, when they grow more frail and needy".
Admirable.
But .. how does that "R.E.A.L.L.Y." work in the end?
People who grow more frail and more needy, require far more attention. And so how does that r.e.a.l.l.y. work . really?
Have no idea as to how viable this place would be in the end, as to her needs.
None of it is going to happen tomorrow. Both SIL and DH are sold, 1000% that she must .. no exceptions .. go and view the site herself (they will facilitate for her, such trip) .. she has to .. as DH has said, "buy into the setting herself".
She is presently experiencing a set back . her mobility was pretty damn poor before she fell a week or so . .but it's now back to ground zero .. and she is re-learning again, and getting some more strength, stamina as to ambulating around in her wheelchair, .. (forget getting up and out of the chair, . .that's something she's been doing .. but shouldn't of) ... and so . as of right now, . .she is no more interested than the man on the moon, in any transport to go view anything .. she needs to get a little stronger to withstand that, and she admits that herself.
The only pluses to WAF are that it's .. a) closer .. but where she resides presently in Purgatory isn't all that far. b) it's claim to fame that they don't put up with harsh treatment of their residents (but don't they all say the same thing).
I guess we'll see what transpires.
the time it was filed until it is approved in back pay but WAF
will probably want to be paid the full monthly fee from day
one. I also had to put down a deposit fee of $1000. Also if
she then needs to go back to skilled nursing you have to cancel the A&A and convert to full Medicaid for a nursing home. It gets really complicated! I had to learn all of this the hard way. Hope everything works out for MIL, DH and SIL.
I think the PT at Purgatory is going to end at some point for MIL. She really doesn't seem to have made any progress since she originally entered (what with her falls). Since she is getting weaker, PT doesn't even seem to be helping her maintain her abilities, does it?
If MIL is at WAF, H is going to be running over there all the time. Just how far away is she now at Purgatory?
Does stand to reason that an ALF (and WAF is an ALF) is going to offer less assistance than one would find in a SNF where she presently resides
I dont honestly have a clue why WAF lists itself as ALF ... it doesnt appear upon visiting thats the population they are serving.
Her personal needs allowance at present is $130 monthly. Were she to go the route of WAF it changes the math to it all, reduces her personal needs allowance to $50 monthly.
Yes at some point PT will have run out and not be available to her. As it stands presented she has now been reduced to 3x's weekly rather than every day, which displeased her. Its the one thing she looks forward to in her otherwise sad miserable daily existence in that "God Forsaken Place".
They had, at least, gotten her to the point, she was (with a lot of spotting by staff) able to, in PT setting only, use her walker. Only in PT, didnt want her on the walker at all outside of that setting and purposely make certain one isnt at her disposal for her to try to use outside any PT setting. She'd asked more than once if she can have a walker in her room. Answer was no, needs assist if using walker ... dont want her ambulating without assistance.
But then she fell a week or so back ... hip is still bothersome from that specific fall. Its like she reset herself with that injury back to square one.
PT will cease at some point. That will be experienced by her as a whole new low of her now sad miserable existence. Its the one lone thing she looks forward to as to engaging in anything at all.
WAF has no PT site. They do have visiting PT staff ... much like some one at home would receive.
But in the end that as much consideration cant be a make or break factor. Even where she is presently at Purgatory (PT facility on site) ... her days are numbered as to that availability.
I really dont know that moving her to WAF is going to find the picture as a whole more resolved.
I tried that with my mother a few times. She complained that she didn't want to walk down the NH hall where people could see. So I dropped it. She didn't mind doing it where people could see if she was doing PT, though!
Her NH has a program where a CNA (not PT or PTA) practices walking and does other exercises with the residents. Does Purgatory have such a program? I can't remember what they called it, but it was not an extra service. My mother transitioned to that when they cut off PT (and OT and speech).
Really, though, PT is beginning to seem like a waste of time and money for MIL. So she's only getting up on that walker 3x/week during the PT sessions? What's the point, since she's not even using the toilet anymore?
Just the other day, she managed to somehow pizz off one of the
CNA's while on the toilet.
Two CNA's .. sashayed into her room . having a gabfest .. chit chatting one another up . and MIL on the toilet .....
The two CNA's so busy chatting up one another that neither paid any mind at all to MIL, until she then spoke up and as DH reports it . said the following to them:
"can you guys stop talking and come help me up"
There'd be of been a nicer way to put that, .. and leave out the "can you guys stop talking" .. that part .. in the end, .. seems to have made an enemy of one of the CNA's .. who I suppose thought it rude on MIL's part to have interrupted their chit chatting . with her petty requests.
True .. she could've said what she needed, nicer .. she's her own worst enemy there ..
But . .. she does indeed .. go to the toilet at times .. and is assisted .. WHEN/she asks for help .. which isn't always .. .
And she has "help" to go to the shower ..
But no, I don't think they want anyone working with her ... as to walking . other than PT staff. I know at one time, when SIL was still here, she offered to do so and was told no .. they don't want her ambulating without PT staff assisting.
CNA’S where I worked did Range of Motion exercises
I don't think MIL will be taken on any trip to see WAF until SIL returns to FL after M's wedding and can facilitate such a visit.
She declined at the time, not up for it. Offer still stands if she wishes to do so.
DH encourages her to do it.
Right now the fall that set her back impedes her willingness to see to the above. Right now anyway.
We'll see if that comes to pass.
She's talking of moving to WAF, but there are no dollars to pay for such a move? Or is SIL Stepping up and paying out for the difference in cost?
If MIL cannot get out of bed and to her walker (which she cannot have in her room?) how in the heck is she supposed to do that? And dress (to some degree) and then get to the eating area?
I think MIL is far too 'gone' to qualify for WAF. She just still really requires so much one on one attention. And she's not getting better. That fall--while it didn't break anything, it definitely reset the clock on her.
Maybe I missed something really important here---but it sounds like WAF is just a pipe dream and she is no more capable of living semi-independently than she is of running a marathon.
As far as PT--my mom had it after every injury and surgery. As soon as her benefits ran out, she quit doing PT. There would sit yet another pile of rubber bands, rotting in the sunlight. She would begin the 'slump' within days of the last PT and never stand straight again. Her PT even showed her the exercises she SHOULD have kept doing that were on TV and all she had to do was follow along (VERY gentle and all done while seated). Nope.
I don't see MIL moving, but I know that's what she 'wants' and she would be closer to her, physically.
Her life, esp the last 2+ years have really served as a cautionary tale.
Right. And there's about as much chance of that happening as there is of H and/or DD taking MIL out to a restaurant for lunch. Big plans and wishes for that, too, and then when you made it clear that you weren't facilitating all that would need to happen for that great (not!) idea, no one else was interested.
I wonder what would happen if MIL had a chitapalooza incident while visiting WAF?
I wish someone could explain to me.
She rarely remembers to push the call button for help.
But Monday ... she (with no prompt) wheeled herself to the hair salon (the only day of the week the salon is open) to ask if she is scheduled for a shampoo and set.
How?
If you cant remember the call button, how in the world does it dawn on you (when usually the days of the week are a complete loss to her) the 1 day a week the salon is up and running, and that one you remember quite well.
Makes no sense.
And yes, grandiose plans for lunch out, only Dorker vetoed any involvement in that as to participating. It never gets to any further mention.
Odd how that happens.