I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Keep reading! I won't post any spoilers, but the saga gets better and better (with add'l players in the story)!
(problem is, in those old tales, Granny was probably 50. Not 90 with 65+year-olds trying to manage their own health!)
In the story, a woman is confined to a yellow wallpapered bedroom to recover from post partum depression. During these 3 months, she becomes increasingly convinced that there is a woman imprisoned behind the bars of the wallpaper. Finally, as the oppressive husband is trying to take them home, the wife has a break from reality and thinks she is the woman who is now free from the confines of the wallpaper.
I am so proud of Dorker for standing up for herself and setting boundaries that kept her from becoming MIL's caretaker. I think many of us have been confined to home by our elders who demand to be taken care of only by family, or because we have promised to "always take care of them" and we don't see that a nursing home, memory care, or assisted living IS taking care of them. I'm so sad when people do lose themselves into the wallpaper, losing their identity as people to become slaves to their elderly parent's whims.
No Yellow Bedrooms.
Grammie lived on the family farm. With 3 widowed daughters, and 1 son (while not at war) running the family harness shop in town. There were plenty of bedrooms and parlors and places to escape from the others lol! Plus grandchildren and D.I.L. and everyone visiting.
So of course if we all had plenty of extra yellow rooms, 3 more extra sets of hands and we all lived together, and didn't need to go to work outside someplace off the farm, well that would be just swell!
Kind of like The Walton's isn't it? Just with more money, food and land. Lot's of boy cousins to do big heavy farm work too. Way off topic here tonight. Sorry. "Goodnight JohnBoy!"
A lot of times the kindest thing we can do, for ourselves and our loved ones, is get the professionals involved in the caregiving process.
And hasn't it been way past the amount of time it was supposed to take to test for genetic markers to see if Keytruda is an option for your father's cancer? (NOT saying to initiate contact with him to find out; just wondering if he's emailed you anything about it.)
There's a reason kids are given to young folks. I'm not an oldster but I'm sure not feeling like a young folk about now.
We took grands for a visit (brief one) with MIL. Was a short visit. 2 yo's not known for sitting to visit. They were into everything. We didnt stay long.
On Frazzled's last point, yes .. somewhere along the way in my MIL c-giver role I remember reading that it becomes no longer (for some and for me that was true) about spending quality enjoyable time with the LO. It gets to the point its a never ending checklist of to-do's in their regard only punctuated by the also never ending crises that erupt. A special person that walks that walk and doesnt grow resentful. It wasn't what I was made of. Indeed, involve professionals. Not only for the sake of the LO but also for those mired in it all. Everybody involved needs consideration as to what works, what doesnt.
Painful heart wrenching journey .. one that at one time some mightve assumed included the spare yellow bedroom. Some, thought wrong.
MIL's same non stop complaints continue ... same broken record she may even recite in her sleep, wouldnt surprise me.
Interesting to note. DH growing weary and frustrated with his mom and each & everytime ... be it a phone call to her by him or a visit by him ... it always begins "how's my little boy?", "how's my precious baby boy?'. Emasculating is how it gets perceived. Frustrates him. He hasnt been a "precious" or "baby" or "little boy" for many decades.
Asked him if his sister gets that same baby talk as a greeting and no.
I'm pretty exhausted and a full night of sleep .. no crying 2 yo's, will be glorious.
I think MIL has a melancholy nostalgia, as she (maybe finally?) realizes that the end of her life isn't so far away. That's why she is calling H her "precious baby boy."
That was very nice of you to take the grandkids to Purgatory for a visit. I'm sure she was glad to see them!
It's really interesting to me how much it really gets on his last nerve. And it does. The fact she refers to him as her "precious baby boy", "my baby boy", .. it gets on his last nerve.
Watching how much that bugs him . along with the fact she still has her hair colored. She is going to be 90 years old in November . and is likely the only one in the whole place that has hair that isn't gray ... and as he puts it, .. "she looks like an oddball .. she's got this broken down body and wrinkles and she's old and decrepit looking, but has this hair that's blonde/brownish .. it looks odd . it looks strange .. it's just indicative of her whole denial of aging .. everything about her is old and decrepit .. but her hair, the color of someone in their 20's .. it's strange".
That one also gets on his last damn nerve.
It's really really interesting to me .. I guess I'm a person who studies on the way people think/act. The way the two of us see things SO completely differently .. as to it all.
I could care less, if she wants blue hair, purple hair, .. go for it . who cares. Why let that get on your damn nerves. Who cares. The way she refers to him as her baby boy .. whatever . who cares. The way he lets her sadness so cast a pall over his emotions (that one I do care about, and it angers me).
Just last night, he'd gone by to visit his mom who implored upon him .. bringing his sadness to a new low ... "don't let me die in a place like this, please don't let this be where I die .. I can't be here to die".
O.M.G.
Well first off, you aren't GOD . and so have no say so in where/when she dies . and so her saying that is just .. so off the wall. But for you to let that now bring you to a new low of sadness .. just .. I throw up my hands.
She did enjoy the visit by us and the g'kids ..
But as DD put it, when she came back yesterday and was here to retrieve her kids .. and we told her that's part of what we did with ourselves for the weekend, listing what else we did .. and she asked how'd that go.
I told her: "Well it didn't last long . I mean. the kids are everywhere and into everything .. and we went out into the courtyard . to go outside, .. and wheeled her out there in the wheelchair, but ya know, those 2 yo's they wanna run everywhere . and that's fine .. except that they only know one speed .. and that's running .. and so .. they fall .. and trip over their own feet .. so one of us was having to follow them around, .. and keep them from getting hurt . while the other visited with MIL .. and so after a while . it was hot the kids were sweaty from running . and so back inside we go, but then they're in there messing with everything . we didn't stay long".
DD: "see, . that's why I just can't go see her .. and bring the kids along . I know she loves to see them . but granny always needs something .. the kids need . it's just crazy .. it's too much".
Yep.
Infuriating!
Sure, we'd all love to die in our sleep, in our own beds, in our own homes, surrounded by family, holding our hand...
Like .. I don't understand why it brings him to a new low of sadness ... there's not a thing in the world he can do to bring that wish to fruition for her. Not a thing.
If she died today ... in that place ... it's out of his hands .. he doesn't have control over when/how/where she dies. None.
And so why let that sink in and make you sad and downtrodden at the sadness of it all.
Yes, there will be a move afoot . .in time .. to see about placement in WAF. But there's lots that hinges in the balance on that move. And in the end, WAF is not going to be the Eutopia that it seems MIL thinks it will be. She's going to find in WAF much the same setting ..
So .. trying to bring about in her, .. a place that she isn't so sad . is gonna be an endeavor in fruitlessness.
Seems SIL has it wrapped in her mind, her mom won't likely ever be happy .. DH not so.
I know MIL has been getting DH down with the things she says when he goes to visit. But is the “don’t let me die here” part new?
I do remember a Mental Health Professional of some sort visited with MIL when she was in rehab. Does Purgatory not have a Psychologist on staff or a visiting Psych Services team that visits the facility?
Hospice in the NH sure.
Now I’m curious...is it possible, like guestshop mentioned that the NH SW mentioned Hospice to MIL, meaning in house of course and that started all the “don’t let me die here talk”?
I think DH has POA also.
Might not be a bad idea to completely fill DH in on WHAT Hospice in the Home is. That he clearly understands that Hospice does NOT supply caregivers.
I know it’s hard for us to believe but there are folks that don’t have a clear understanding of at home Hospice. My Step Dad was one of them. Signed up for at home Hospice while hospitalized.
When the flurry of activity settled getting Step Dad at home with Hospice he asked me “where the help was”. I had to tell him “ you are looking at it”.
My point is...I would make sure DH had a clear understanding of in home Hospice. And no it is not an option at home for Dorker. In the NH yes.
And yes, it was the SW in my Mom’s NH that first started mentioning Hospice. Not to my Mom, she had a Dementia Dx, but to me.
"Don't let this be the place where I die, I can't die here".
(If DH was listening) .. hospice talk, should that become an eventuality .. it has been covered in conversation between he and myself. He did ask at one point, if she were to go the route of Hospice, is it too late for her to return to her home .. for Hospice, and die in her home.
Her home is RM'd .. and it will be . ultimately .. given back to the bank. It sits . at this point, vacated .. (sans emptying it's contents, which is coming in the next few months) .. and ... so .. returning to her home, as I explained to DH at the time (if he was listening, and we all know . he comes from a long line of selective hearing loss) ... "No DH . that ship has sailed .. Hospice only comes to check in a couple of times a week, they don't send someone as attendant to the dying patient to stay with and help with toileting and incontinence .. and bathing and so forth ... that is seen to elsewhere ... they send someone a couple of times a week . .and that someone checks in, as to the well being of the patient and is off and gone again, . .who is going to see to all her needs .. she lays bedridden dying, .. and .. yet still needs at least hydration, and diapering and bathing .. and can't be left alone .. who is gonna see to that, around the clock, no ... going back to her home to die, isn't going to be an option".
I think some of her pleas of "don't let this be where I die, I can't die from here" .. I think some of it is melodrama .. and some of it is just failure to accept her path/plight.
Some of it maybe warranted .. as in .. Purgatory .. as seen by her, an abysmal place.
For instance, one example. Not that this at all impacted MIL, but it does beg the question, just how inattentive are they there at Purgatory. DH was leaving there the other day, walked out the exit doors towards the parking lot . and heard a faint cry/plea .. "help me, help me please", turned around to notice an old woman sitting in a wheelchair .. outside the exit door that he'd not noticed moments ago . her asking "help me" .. he turned around to see what was her problem .. and noticed (this is FL . .and it's oh about 150 degrees outside these days with 1000% humidity) ... noticed the old woman had thrown up all over herself and was asking for his help.
He went back inside to the nurse station, . mere steps away from the entrance and talked to the 4 nurses sitting cackling .. and informed them that there's an old woman sitting outside the doors there (glass doors, fully viewable what's outside) .. and she's thrown up all over herself. That sent them scurrying, all 4 of them . and he heard them as they approached her, "Mrs. ________ what are you doing out here in this heat . .and a sweater on?!?!?!", as they now began attending to her.
How long had she sat out there? Who knows? Why didn't they seem to notice this .. and be aware of it, and make sure she wasn't out there too long.
Just how inattentive are they?
Or . one of MIL's issue there ... maybe warranted in her disdain for the place . her room mate .. chatty cathy . for whatever reason . went through a spell that she'd fall asleep at night with the tv on .. and I guess MIL . not able to sleep with a tv blaring . asked of the staff if they'd turn it off, .. chatty cathy over there asleep ..can they/will they turn the tv off. No, was the answer, there is no curfew here, .. we can't turn off a resident's tv.
One of the other things MIL struggles with (among many things there) .. is the fact that people die there. It's kept discreet and hush hush . they don't make announcements . but nonetheless it gets known . .when someone is carted outta there deceased. I guess word spreads.
Maybe it's just a fact of life and some deal with it as non-nonchalant as yesterday's news. Not MIL. As she has put it to DH (more melodrama) .. "Ya know, this is just a place people come to die .. they all die around here, . .and they cart another one out dead".
Of course it's all perspective. Me, in my right mind, . .would be able to process . yes people die here .. people die everyday . turn on the news on tv, . this car wreck, that shooting . so on .. but I guess in her old frail mind . and seeing it all so up close and personal (not that she knows a single soul who has expired there, .. she doesn't know anyone there other than chatty cathy and it doesn't appear that chatty cathy's days are numbered). So not that she's seen em cart a good friend she's made, out of there, deceased. Not so, .. but I guess word spreads . and so .. to the old frail mind .. it becomes a matter that "this is where people come to die".
Well one could frame it in a different way if able to do so .. "not necessarily so MIL . there are people here who are living, and participatory in the things going on here . the music classes, the chair exercise classes .. the games, .. not all are here to die".
But I guess in her melodramatic mind ... she isn't able to frame it in that way.
Another thing she struggles with there .. "this can't be where I die ... don't let me die in this place". She says there isn't a soul there that has a damn brain in their head .. no one to talk to".
I guess . if you listen to SIL . she has made more of a concerted effort in recent weeks to come out of her room and join the commons area and strike up conversation .. as in . just the other day . she'd wheeled herself out to the commons area . and sat there, .. finally asked the lady in the wheelchair .. "do you have any kids" .. and the lady sat there .. didn't even really seem to register the question MIL asked of here .. and then after a while, the lady said to MIL "I don't know". As MIL put it, .. "I thought to myself . well she's no one I can talk to".
And, as we all know, she has complained mightily about the staff there, . the staff she interfaces with mostly which would be CNA's .. (not so much with nurses . docs .. PT staff, but certainly the CNA's) .. that they aren't very friendly .. and some of them flat out mean .. (mean to her would be someone that has no desire to converse and be friendly) ..
Some of it is her perspective, and that's not likely to change. As SIL put it at one point when I was talking to her, . her mom complains that they leave . .they get her on the toilet and they leave . they don't stick around. She says that she's told her mom, "of course they leave, they can go attend to someone else in the 15/20 mins your'e on the toilet . they can't just stand there for 15/20 mins waiting for you to finish . they have other things to do . that's why you have that cord there by the toilet, you pull that, that lets them know you're finished and need help getting up".
But she can't seem to grab ahold of that as any concept. To her ... I suppose, in her aged frail mind . .melodramatic mind . someone should attend to her to that degree, . and just standby making friendly conversation . waiting for her to finish toileting ..
Some of it isn't going to change . no matter what the setting . and it's just her failure/inability to grasp this path in her life .. and the ugliness it is ..
Some of it, you do have to wonder, .. what about her ability to rest .. so you can't turn off a sleeping resident's tv .. what about the room mate and their ability to rest . with a tv blaring .. does that not matter. What about the old woman sitting outside in the heat . puking . did no one notice that there's an old woman sitting alone outside, .. for how long? What else to do they not pay attention to?
There's no talk of Hospice, that I'm aware of. But no . just as she can't go home
anymore, and was explained to DH how that would look. The yellow bedroom is off limits also . here in our home . as I cannot be as attentive to all those needs .. and won't be.
DH talking this morning some as he said . he talked to God while taking his morning shower . and just grappling within himself with the deep sorrow and sadness/guilt he feels ..
He says: "I think about Helen (a woman we know who took care of her bed ridden mother, in her own home, for 9 years, alone .. solely) ... I think about Helen . she did it .. she was able to do it ... I think about that in relation to my sister .. she was supposed to be .. taken care of by my sister .. but ... I know that my sister tried . she couldn't do it .. I think about that very night that it all changed .. sister back here with her from IL .. and her almost catatonic .. turned out to be a UTI . .and her there in the den . not responsive .. awake . but not responsive to anything said to her .. and us trying to understand/decipher, sister and I . .. what was going on . when Sister looked at me, it all changed right then and there, sister looking at me, . having weathered months of this in her own home in IL . and now them back here and sister said to me, .. "I can't do this .. I can't keep doing this" .. it all changed right then and there .. and had to go in the direction it's gone .. I think about Helen .. she did it . she took care of her mom in her own home for 9 years . her mom bed ridden .. and no help .. not everybody can do that . she did it .. and it had to have been tough . and it ripped their family apart, . they still dont speak to one another . (the siblings wouldn't help . insisted she put her mom in a nursing home . she wouldn't do it . opting to keep her at home . siblings all basically said, *ok, your deal . you do it then* .. not on speaking terms any longer as a result) .. I realize . not everybody can do it . it had to have been really tough on her .. my sister couldn't do it .. she tried .. it's just .. in my own mind . coming to terms with it all, the sadness, the despair of it all, that it has to be this way".
To my response to him . as someone pointed out here in this forum very poignantly .. "DH . not a slight to you . but for years this has been going on .. that she was in her home with the support it took . .far too great .. for years . and for the most part . you were busy earning a living and oblivious to it all, and at some point even when it got worse and worse, you were on a crusade to save our sinking church and very much in that front and not your mom's .. until I exited in utter disgust, unable to keep doing it .. yes . then you stepped up . and in a bigger way . you had to .. but until then . you were really pretty oblivious . even through my pleas to the contrary . of how bad it all is .. .and her incessant never ending need and crises, one after the other .. so . all of this . has been a sudden . so to speak . to you .. and in the end, none of it is sudden".
DH: "Oh yea .. well I know ... I mean mom will go there that she has just gone downhill so fast .. in this place .. she's going downhill so fast . and I tell her . no mom this has been going on for years and years ... we did all we could to keep you in your home far beyond any of our capability to keep doing it .. you falling, and chitting on yourself .. and not hydrating, not eating, UTI's, not taking your meds, ... far beyond our ability to continue to do it, this has been years in the making . this isn't new".
He goes on to add to that: "It's just .. a grappling within myself .. coming to terms with it, of why she has to follow this path . why couldn't she have been given the path dad got . to be home and die from her home .. ".
DH has asked you how Home Hospice works and you explained that to him. Good.
This hits too close to home. My MIL and they way she treats my DH. He rarely sees her, she is just so toxic--this isn't new, she's just one of those people who cannot show affection--and who are totally obsessed with themselves to the point you wonder if they are aware there are other humans out there. She was extremely abusive to DH all the years he was growing up, yet now paints those years as the 'best years of her life'. WTH?? My BIL, DH's older brother moved out the day after he graduated HS and has never really returned.
BIL told me, many years ago, of the mental and physical abuse he and DH suffered at her hands. Horrible. He said in this day and age they would have been removed from the home and placed in foster care. BIL grew up to become a psychologist to try to figure out WHY this was so....I doubt he really has any answers, but he does have a better way to handle MIL.
DH just internalizes whatever she says, and although he'll SAY, 'my mom is crazy, just crazy' he will, in the same conversation, talk about how awful he was as a kid. Now, his mom is aging in place, and I guess not doing great all around (she's nearly 90). All I do is encourage him to try to call or visit her for 15 minutes once every other month. That's a total of 90 minutes a year.
And he can't do it.
MIL is nutty as a fruitcake. She cannot carry on a conversation, she can't accept responsibility for anything she's done or said. EVERYTHING is someone else's fault. No friends, no family around her, except my angelic SIL who deals with all things MIL since DH can't/won't.
Oh, and there's zero discussion about EOL choices as she is not going to die. She has stood firm in that belief that she will never die. "My kids would be heartbroken" is her 'reasoning'. Well, BIL hasn't seen her for over 2 years and DH wouldn't care if she passed today. Honestly, he will experience deep guilt, b/c he has not been on board AT ALL for years, and he is already talking about how awful he feels about her sad life (that she is 100% responsible for!!!)…..there isn't enough therapy in the world to make that relationship OK.
I hope. Dorker, that you take MIL's whining as what it is: a petulant last ditch effort to get what she wants.
My MIL also speaks about my DH as this 'precious, amazing man' but she treats him like crap. You can SAY what you may, but the proof is in the pudding, so it's said. How does she TREAT him when he's not in the room with other people?
My mother is 'all for show'. She doesn't care for me and I know it, but when she sees me and she is with her friends, she acts all cutesy-cuddly. It makes me sick.
Hang tough--MIL will pass in a NH of some kind. It didn't HAVE to be that way, but you cannot reason with her, so don't try.
But prepare yourself for some heaven duty depression from DH once his mom does pass. He is going to be wracked with guilt---so be aware that is almost a certainty.
Midkid, I feel sorry for your SIL. Why couldn't she walk away from MIL as her brothers did? What does she do for your MIL?