I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If you absolutely are too tenderhearted to refuse to drive as you told him you would refuse, then drop him at the front door with K and say, "give me a call when you are ready to go!" and drive away. Better there be a world war between the three of you than disrupt the entire infusion dept and be *banned* for when you or DH need it because if K's behavior.
In reading over your father's promise that K will understand what you're doing and appreciate you, isn't it just incredible that he thinks you will fall for that? K can't remember what was said to her just minutes before.
I really don't think much of this man, sorry. He neglected you when you were a child (wouldn't give your mother money to feed you), kept you firmly on the periphery of his life, refuses to make a will or assign POA/HCPOA, and now EXPECTS you to be stepping and fetching for him because he has cancer that he brought on himself by smoking. (Yes, I know that you offered to drive him to medical appointments, but apparently now that is already morphing into K-sitting and "support" if there are chemo side-effects.)
So many of us can see the writing on the wall...why can't you?
I never said quote/unquote "I will not be a part of any setting that has her present and for me to attend to".
That wasn't part of any agreement to cart him around, .. "lose her and her want for involvement if you want me part of it".
My upheaval was in the fact that she kept insisting I don't need to take him, that she can drive, she can do it, and them having marital spats over that.
Thus, my approach to him .. decide what it is that she can/can't do .. get doc involvement, whatever .. but .. if you want me a part of it, .. she needs to be made to understand that you have requested that, .. and back off.
So now .. having that out there and cleared as to what it is I put in his corner to address. Obviously he isn't going to address whether she drives or not, and doc hasn't forbid it. She "can" if she desires, drive him . and I don't need to be there. BUT ....................... he wants my extra ears .. and mouth .. as part of what goes on there, to decipher.
(some would say .. no .. what he wants Dorker is that you mind stepmom while he is unable to do it .. ).
They have a c'giver they pay .. and for all I know, that too can be assigned .. "you stay home and the c'giver will look after you while I'm gone".
As he reports it, part of her (his words) "caustic demeanor you're seeing is from a place of protectionism . and .. feeling *left out*".
The inference there, .. not gonna go well to "leave her out", ....
Obviously he still wants me to drive him there, and be the xtra set of ears/voice. He was asked, .. by me .. to decide whether he wants her to drive him . and if so, have at it. He decided no . when asked that by me, he wants me to drive (and be mouth/ears to the setting).
(or as some would say, be stepmom's minder)
I will drive him, .. his wife can accompany .. so she doesn't "feel left out" .. and that "protectionism" that he cites .. can be abated, .. in her not feeling left out.
I have told him what my expectations are, he made his decisions accordingly.
I will go and drive them both tomorrow . and no I won't be leaving .. as they live clear on the other side of town from me .. for me to go anywhere that I might need/want to go . would entail a trip back over to my neck of the woods . only to then turn around and go back to their neck of the woods. Senseless. I will stay put .. if it gets to be too much .. for whatever reason .. I'll go have a cup of coffee in the cafe .. or whatever.
I haven't been "asked" to mind stepmom and keep her under wraps. I don't have the slightest compunction to do so .. and if that is asked of me, . it will be clarified that I'm not willing to do so. If you want her "minded" I suggest you c'taker can handle that task.
If I need to walk away and yes, even if she is creating a disturbance .. I will do so. Not one moment of hesitation.
As I said about her, . she isn't loud . disruptive .. the person who is loud and disruptive would be my dad . when he's had enough of her chit that goes on and on and on and on. He's the one that raises his voice, not her. She just keeps harranging and harping and nagging and nagging, til he snaps at her, loudly.
She won't likely be at his elbow . to harrang and nag .. he'll be sitting in a chair getting infused . and she will be in the waiting room (near me, ostensibly) and I will have a book that I've been reading .. and will lose myself in that book. She can do the same, . if she'd like . or whatever she wants ..
Wanders off .. oh well, not my charge.
I've had enough of her asking the same repetitive questions .. I will wander off.
If it becomes a problem .. I can then speak up again, . and tell my dad at that point, rather than the previous gamut that I laid out .. (which was .. if she wants to drive you and you
Daughter will pick me up. It's going to be a very long day as the labs were schedules EARLY and the infusion LATE. ugh.
I have a dear friend who has offered me the sun, moon and stars for help. I adore her---but she is a PITA when it comes to anything medical. She gets all anxious and upset in any medical setting, and I cannot imagine trying to deal with the chemo AND babysitting.
K gives you ANY grief---you WALK. And I mean it.
feel that a viable option .. jump all over it. Fine by me.
So if it gets to be problematic and she's there and I find that I'm
A) having to mind her
B) she's disruptive
C) she's annoying asking too many questions over and over
D) any other reason that I find it not palatable to continue
I can .. at that point . make it clear that my driving him . per his request . and accompanying him . per his request . is conditioned there forward . on her being "left out" and that "protectionism" she so feels .. can be all her's . she can drive him . the c'taker can drive him .. don't care . but I'm out.
I told him in the prior email that I won't be a party to her contention as to my involvement. She can either drive him as he sees fit .. or I will do so. I never made that stake in it all .. she stays at home . not yet anyway.
That's about how I'm seeing all this.
Indeed, the man is benefiting from more than he has earned through the years. A man who had 2 kids that he failed to adequately monetize so that their mom could feed them . a man who pushed both those kids to the periphery of his life in favor of new family part 2.
Who knows where my participation in all this mess would be, . were he to have been the father he should've been. Maybe I'd of stepped to the rails in the same vain as I did for MIL and then some. He wasn't. He gets my assistance, . as to doc appts . and transport, ears/voice .. and that's it.
I don't make phone calls on his behalf .. I don't run errands daily on his behalf .. I don't go cook meals and clean the house there.
I do go .. as I said I'd do . as to doc appts . where requested . and act in that capacity .. and he knows .. I told him as much, I won't be a party to her contention.
So he made his decision I suppose .. that he still wants me as transport . not her . and still wants me a part of the scene. Got it. I'll do so.
UNTIL ...............................
It becomes evident that contention is still very much evident .. and/or .. it becomes evident my presence there is to be a "minder" for her, neither of which is anything I've been asked to tolerate and/or see to. And I won't.
What I see, .. my view . from where I sit in all this. I have a couple of choices ..
I can ..
A) tell the man, screw you . you were never around when I needed you . sorry you're old and sickly now . have that new family part 2 figure it out for ya.
B) I can limit what I am willing to do .. and do that much .. for an old man who is now at a juncture in his life w/a wife who probably doesn't process .. as he put it .. "the wheels are off the wagon w/her at times". An old man who needs an extra set of ears/voice .. and someone who can act in that role and benefit him in so doing.
I'm choosing option B .. (so far). That can and will change, if it needs to.
I don't choose to become part of the problem in all this, but rather part of a solution. That's kinda my approach.
I'm not gonna be the end-all-be-all of solutions . for sure. But I can "help" be a part of the solution (w/limitations).
We shall see how it goes. Tomorrow is chemo session #1.
I won't be in town for session #2.
Session #3 .. we'll see. If I'm here in town and I plan to be . and all goes along alright w/stepmom there . and not meandering off . and/or .. bugging me w/repetitive questioning that only a demented mind can conjure .. she can go. I don't care.
Session #4 and onward .. if it goes as described . that she isn't a problem . then I don't have a problem either.
If she keeps harping on it .. "I don't know why you have to do this Dorker, . I keep telling your dad I can drive him . he needs to just let me do it . and you don't have to be here".
I'll answer that one time . and then if she keeps harping on that point (which is what caused the blow up previously between she and dad) .. I'll tell her to take it up w/him.
Take it up w/him ..
If it continues (and it could, she doesn't remember 5 mins from now what was told to her 5 mins ago) .. if it continues .. the repetitive questioning .. and problematic demeanor . then I'm out .. and I'll tell my dad that.
She was haranguing him without ceasing .. and it caused him to blow up at her, in the previous visit. If she nags and nags at me, . there will be a different approach going forward.
I don't know how you make someone w/dementia understand that you've already answered that question (the very reason my dad blew up at her in the doc office). I'm no better than the next guy at navigating that w/someone who has dementia. But .. I also know that about myself, and my limitations as to patience . and so won't be a party to it. She simply won't have me there to nag at . if that becomes an issue, going forward.
I know my limitations ..
He is the one that promised to love her thru sickness and health, not me.
So .. have at it.
If she wants to be a part of things and not feel "left out". That is understandable. But if part of that comes at the cost of dealing with her and her addled brain .. and is more than I can handle .. then I get to bow out. I'm not married to her, he is.
Puts my dad in a tough spot . that I wouldn't otherwise do to someone who is an enemy really. That person dealing with their own personal struggles of health issues . and he certainly will be. And a wife that wants to be a part of things . and not feel excluded, .. and him ill equipped in his own maladies to deal with it all, all alone. No support from anyone but his addled wife.
I guess once again, that ability that seems built in me, to put myself in someone else's shoes. I just imagine if I was the one fighting cancer, not feeling well, and all that goes with it, and the only person I had in my life to stand in that gap was an addled spouse, I'd be wishing one of my (adult) kids would take enough interest to be a part of the scene and help to sort thru and process all that's said and so forth.
So I put myself in his shoes, somewhat.
But I do have to wear my own shoes also and I can't walk that walk .. I'm not made of that "stuff" to put up with that. I'd snap too, . .. like he did.
When I was ferrying a close friend to her appointments, nurses and clinicians often assumed I was her professional, trained caregiver (nope). They expected me to not only observe and take notes (which is mostly why I was there), but to "step up" and be responsible for her care, 24/7.
Not my job. Her sister and care facility took care of all that.
I was (eventually) able to set them all straight. "Yes, I'm helping as a friend, but I'm not a professional, nor am I full-time." But until I got that clear with them, things were awkward at best.
If you must deal with K, *plus* your Dad, these misunderstandings are, most likely, inevitable. Me? I'd strive to stay out of that situation at *all* costs.
I'd also thought Dorker had told her father that she wouldn't be participating if K got in her face (which happens pretty much any time she sees her, since she perceives Dorker as a threat). Am I the only one who thought that meant that K wouldn't be accompanying them to chemo? Well, she's just agreed to have her be in her face for the ? hours of the infusion. Is she really going to be able to just walk away from her? And leave her, what, wandering around the waiting room and causing a commotion (as she did in the hospital when her father was there)? The staff is absolutely going to be expecting Dorker to be K's minder.
Her father figured either K got her way or Doker got hers. As usual, K got her way.
Is Dorker's father going to expect Dorker to take care of him when he's suffering from chemo side-effects? She said she wouldn't, but, again, I expect her father to jump right over that boundary.
Or else the chemo side-effects may make him decide to just give up and quit them. He might tell Dorker he has to "rely" on her or else he will stop the chemo.
I'll be waiting to hear how the first chemo appointment goes today, particularly what happens with K.
I was alone, which proved to be kind of nice. Didn't have DH there fussing and on his computer and yelling at people in other states on the jobsite HE should be on. (BTW, found out he didn't tell his BOSS I have cancer, just 'not feeling well...he said if Max knew I had cancer he'd cancel all his trips.) I have to laugh b/c this is SO my DH.
And he had a TERRIBLE day on the jobsite. I sympathized, told him to have a good dinner and get to bed early.
It really was, in many ways, a much better experience. I may just make this be the 'go to' from now on. I just CANNOT have an Uber drive me home and it is a 90 minute round trip for any of my kiddoes. I have 3 weeks, I'll work it out.
Now MY infusion center would NOT put up with K. Or Dad for that matter. It is very, very quiet there. Nobody is fighting or yelling or hollering at nurses.
Dorker--you must remember this, if you take nothing else away from your stepping back into dad's life: PEOPLE WHO HAVE CANCER ARE SICK. Literally, sick to death, a lot of them. I saw ZERO dramas happening and had I been placed next to someone who was having a "party' or a "fight" I would have complained, and complained mightily. They put 'problems patients in "ROOMS" and shut the glass door.
Your dad is already sick, and by all accounts a real winner in the personality department. They can actually refuse him TX if he is belligerent and nasty. If K becomes a problem, she can be banned. Not kidding.
You absolutely do NOT need the drama of K being there, why in the WORLD is she even going? You'll have been 6+ hours of stress.
Your call.
Personally, I'd call that off board brother and dump the next 3 infusions on him.
Never heard a thing back from that "suggestion".
But I hear from my dad today that Bossy Boots .. after he chit chatted with my brother on the phone (which is all my brother has seen fit to put forth in any effort) .. Bossy Boots then entered the conversation and it went like this:
"Just know that any of your appts that you'd like me to get you to, just let me know, I can drive up your way (the 1 1/2 hours it takes to get to these parts from where they reside) and take you to your appts if you'd like".
My guess, this is my off-board brother's half-azzed attempt to speak to that "suggestion" I made. Put it on BB to see to, and no one really cares for BB . and that'll satisfy his "half-azzed" effort in a "I tried Dorker".
Whatever.................Useless as can be.
It went okay at today's visit. First tx .. and no ill effects (yet). Long road ahead, so we shall see on that piece of it.
All of their infusion apparently goes on in .. oh .. think a little holding room in ER .. if you'd gone to the ER and were escorted to the room where you'll now wait to be seen by the doc, complete with frosted glass for privacy .. that's where infusions take place .. in what is essentially a private room.
Had to have him (and stepmom) there by 8:30 AM .. and I dropped them off at 2 PM.
No big dust ups.
The only problems were that stepmom kept asking (much as a child might do, "how much longer"). That had been explained to her . and to all of us . more than once. I didn't speak to it, .. I read my kindle. I was detached from that whole thing.
The only other problem arose in future scheduling. Seems as though some of his upcoming appts for infusion will be later in the afternoon-ish. Not a preference for my dad . (nor myself for that matter, as rush hour traffic will be an issue upon exit). At least it will be for me, having to come back to my side of town after dispensing w/them. As far as them .. it's all thru neighborhoods . to get to their house from there, . and so .. other than the one main road one has to traverse (which isn't a freeway) .. it shouldn't be too too bad .. but it will be for me, . having to cross town at that hour.
Dad was none too pleased with the appt time slots given .. and so .. there was some dust up .. on that topic . as stepmom kept insisting "it's not a problem, I can drive ..".
But .. as dad has defined in her, and her capabilities .. "she can drive, as long as it's not heavy traffic and freeways .. ". Well there will be some "heavy" traffic at that hour (not as bad as what I will encounter coming back to my side of town) but definitely heavier than would be normal, at that hour . even in neighborhods and on that main drag.
So dad was pushing back on that some . and stepmom arguing the point . that she can drive, it's not a problem .. don't need to make it a problem.
At that, I took the sheet of paper, . myself .. and walked off w/it stating to my dad, "let me see if I can talk to the scheduler and get any of this moved", to which stepmom chimed in, 'Why don't you let him digest on that some, it might work out alright', to which I kept moving and dad interjected, "IF SHE CAN GET IT MOVED, . .let's let her!". Off I went to attempt that. No success. Scheduler . no can do.
On the way out, attempt made again, different staff person . .again . no dice . not right now . promise from said staff member to try to work around it . and they will call us . and we can certainly call them as the time comes closer . to see if there have been cancellations that would allow a different time slot earlier in the day .. so as to avoid rush hour 5 PM traffic at departure. That's how it got left.
By then stepmom had *let it go* as she'd been told prior .. "IF SHE CAN GET IT MOVED LET HER!". She let it go after that, and didn't push back anymore.
It was never stated .. that I will be the drive/transport .. or his wife will. Don't know, at this moment.
But these are upcoming appts, not tomorrow . so that battle can be waged a different day.
All in all, it went pretty much without occurrence of any sort. When I got there to pick them up .. a few mins to kill before we were to leave . she asked me 3 x's if I wanted a danish (I'd declined each time, not a breakfast eater) .. and each time she asked, it was like she hadn't asked before, and had no recollection that she'd already been told "thanks, but no .. I don't really eat b'fast".
Really pretty uneventful.
(And yes, I know that no one likes her, but I don't think your father has any right to be picky, considering how he's treated you and YB over the years.)
It was (make no mistake about it) . .my brother's valiant effort at off-loading that which had been put in his corner via myself (via text to him) .. he has off-loaded that task onto BB . and surely in the knowledge it would be rejected. And it was, rejected.
I wouldn't want her, as my transport/company, eyes/ears . at said visit . and I'm not alone in that sentiment. No one really cares for her. Except my brother of course.
You may think your brother needs to get involved, but considering the father you have, it's very understandable to me why he wouldn't want to get involved. I think it's very nice of BB to offer, actually. I understand everyone dislikes her, and I bet she knows that. I sure wouldn't be offering what she did if I knew how disliked I was!
There are other options after all, and I am not suggesting that Dorker get involved here, like paid help. And it is one thing to ask for a convenient appointment time, but to expect everyone else to dance to dad's tune? K should not be on the road at all, the busy/not busy traffic argument is a lot of irrelevant nonsense in her situation. Basically, I think this is just a matter of dad's convenience and safety of innocent bystanders be dam*ed. I'm Praying that some innocent doesn't get killed or maimed. (My youngest sister was killed by a driver who should not have been on the road.)
And BB is considerate to offer - frankly she does not get enough credit - who is your dad to look down on her?
Dorker, this is your decision, but I will say if it were up to me, I would be doing whatever I could to stop K from driving. It simply is no activity for someone with dementia. Even in familiar territory, a driver must be able to react to the unexpected. Muscle memory is not good enough. So what is the problem with dad simply hiring a driver/caregiver already? Why is he so terrified of her? Please keep in mind that he is far more attentive to K's desires, than he will ever be to your needs.
NO more 'bugs in the ears'. Just a phone call or text telling him has chemo assistance from now on. Period. You 'might' be available, but if BB wants to help out, LET HER. Then let dad know and walk away. I'm not one for payback, but I am also not one for walking back into bad situations over and over (yet I do--I just give good advice!)
And check in if you want. Most the nastiest side effects come after infusion. Not during. I hope K is good at mopping up vomit, dealing with a crabbier man than she's even used to. And fixing meals he can eat.
I don't know what your dad's chemo is made of. How long did you say he Txing? Every week, it's probably not terribly 'strong' and it wouldn't matter if you did know. They are just buying him time, really. A life long smoker and age 80+ is not a good candidate for total remission. Extension of life, yes. That may be all they are hoping for.
You had what I would consider a very 'short' day! Be grateful. a couple of mine will be 10 hrs including travel and we only live 30 miles from the hospital!
Hugs for a job well done!! Now go enjoy the wedding!
As to stepmom driving, . you guys are right. I long ago notified the state of FL, anonymously .. thinking that would alert authorities, it needs a closer look, as to MIL, and it went nowhere. I guess whoever got it on the other end, 86'd the whole thing. Not a lot of confidence in doing that, as any means to negate stepmom's ability to climb behind the wheel.
I've said all I can, numerous times, .. I'm not comfortable with her as driver, and have said as much, and would decline any opportunity as a passenger in her car, have advised her daughter, of my concerns, as well as my dad .. and that I don't think she has the ability to drive anymore. Their answer, . both of them .. "she does alright, .. as long as it's not highways/expressways, .. and just right in our little neighborhood, to the grocery and doc office and back".
As I've said about that, . "... and I guess .. accidents never happen in the neighborhood, right?". And I've said, . more than once, .. "if not concern for you guys, what about the poor innocents that unwittingly end up on the other end of a crash or worse". Same answer, "she does alright, as long as it's not highways/expressways .. blah blah".
I don't agree with that approach and have harped on it all I can.
As to my brother, .. and BB .. and my sentiments there. Yes, he is an adult, and can do as he pleases. He maybe doesn't consider dad any priority to rearrange his life/schedule to see to in any way. Some have cited .. that's his prerogative .. and considering how absent my dad was in both of our lives, .. dad deserves it.
But I do come, at least in some small respect from the stance ...
A) if not helping dad and spending some quality time with him . .could ya help ME OUT SOME! Guess not.
B) My brother has . (not recently) been in worlds of legal trouble, .. thru the years he threw his life away to drug addiction and arrrests and foreclosure on his home .. and loss of custody of his minor kids, and a divorce .. and so forth. Who do you think hired an atty for him?
Our dad. Paid those bills, . helped him enormously in those days. I'm sure that my dad ever laid down any conditional help .. in the form of, "I'm gonna help ya son . but one day I'll be old, you better be there". I'm pretty sure my dad never did that .. I haven't asked, but I don't think he'd of said that.
But it would be nice .. if my brother would be responsible and reciprocate some . as to all the help he at one time needed.
I happen to think he is wholly inconsiderate as h377.
I don't agree with the approach he is taking . and have little use for him as a result.
I was an enormous help to my brother in those days .. financially . .but also in the custody of his kids . at least temporarily while it was all sorted out with the courts, .. I had his minor children here in my car, for a period of a couple of months that it took to get it all sorted out . and that entailed numerous trips on my part, to his area .. (about 1 1/2 hours south of here) to the courts . to sort it all thru.
So if you feel like dad was a chit . and not a dad .. can ya not help me out?
So be it, he's an adult . he can bale if he wants, and that's what he's done. Doesn't mean I have to like it.
Why not let BB take over? She so clearly wants some kudos as to her efforts. She could even make some soup and leave that at the house.
She wasn't a part of the drama of YB's early years, she's his wife now and willing to help. Let her!
As an out-law-in-law, I really tried for years to help out where I could with my inlaws. They were such a tight bunch, it was really hard. My FIL finally did accept my caregiving very graciously in his last years, my MIL doesn't allow me in her home.
Give BB a chance.
And no, you don't have to like that your dad babied your brother. You did good.
I don't understand what the issue is with Bossy Boots driving to chemo, either.
As I explained before, my dad and my mom, they seem to have more "tolerance" for her (but that's about it) .. than do the rest of us. Their "tolerance" comes from a place that this is a son that was at loose ends for a lot of his life ... she has put the skids to that, and corralled him and in that, they have an *appreciation* for her. And, their take is one of, *if he's happy, then we're happy*. Got it.
I feel the same, .. if he's happy, fine by me.
But I don't seek her out as anyone to spend any time around, . nor do any of the rest of us, including the bio parents. Apparently my dad feels the same
There's a reason no one really cares for her, and she is referred to as "bossy" boots. None of us, all adults . for a long long long time, need her to *boss* any of us and she has a propensity to try to do just that, and I've cited numerous examples of how that all plays out in the past. As a result, no one really likes to be around her (except her husband . my brother).
Another example (small, but it's among many) that I only recently learned of. Just an example ...
My youngest brother and his wife had taken a small mini vacation to the vicinity where this brother and BB reside . to that vicinity. One particular afternoon, they went to visit this brother and BB at their home.
BB and the wife of the youngest brother, in the kitchen chit chatting. The guys .. in the den watching an NFL football game (we're all big football fans). At some point, it became evident from all the hoopla ongoing .. the guys were tuned in to an NFL program and she demanded they turn it off, .. citing .. "No, turn that off, remember, we have it recording so you and I can watch it later when they leave".
My brother that was visiting while on a mini vacation .. was offended. I would be too. The thinking there, .. *if this is a game you wanna watch, have a seat, watch it with us .. why would you come in and demand it be turned off, we're enjoying the game .. come join us .. why do we have to turn it off".
As my brother said of it all, after the fact, telling me the story "They turned it off, .. so they could watch it later, . when we're gone I guess .. If I had it to do over again, I'd tell em .. catch ya'll later, gonna go find a sports bar, watch the game".
I would've been offended too. Not something I'd of subjected guests to.
That's just one example of many many times she's tried to "boss". No one cares for her. She's made her bed, IMO.
No, she wasn't part of the scene back when my brother was in the throes of all kinds of miscreant behavior ... or .. rather .. she was ... kinda ... I don't know . in that day . my brother and his wife .. they were into whatever those parties are . where people swap partners .. all that mess. She and her then husband, part of that scene. They ended up in an extra-marital affair.
So no, she wasn't really on the scene, kinda behind the scenes in fact.
So no .. no one bases their opinion on her, .. out of what he was in those days. She has made her own impressions .. not good ones.
If my dad felt at all comfortable with her (he doesn't) .. I'm sure he'd of taken her up on the offer to come this way to cart him around. He declined.