I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My 3 out of towners will come in and say "oh we'll just do a fly by to Grandma's" and I warn them, this is NOT going to be met with open arms.
Last visit with my son--couple years ago---she met them at the front door and wouldn't let them in. It was blazingly hot and they just stood there on the front porch, trying to 'chat'. Wasn't pleasant and they have made no attempts to go back and probably won't. All my mother said was (the sun was shining from behind my DIL and you could see through her skirt...big whoop, the woman is a size 2 and fit as a can be) "Can't that DOCTOR afford a petticoat? I could see EVERYTHING!" I said, "No, I'm sure she doesn't even know what a petticoat is, mother".
I asked her why she didn't let them in the house and she said that the dogs (3 of them at the time, all un-housebroken) had pooped in the common living area and she was embarrassed. Well, OK. But my kids were offended and she was offended and that's that.
Both sides were to blame. At 90, she only gets dressed 2 days. She can't clean up the poop and the dogs pretty much all take advantage of the LR every day. Her apartment is hoarded out and no one can sit down but her.
This is why I BEG the kids to call ahead. They don't, so they get what they get.
Personally, I think these guys should call ahead. I am not old, but I'm not young and anyone other than a couple of dear friends and my kids---I want a heads up before you pop in. That's actually really, really rude.
One time I came straight back from the hospital for something I forgot and found him in the basement - just minutes after I had gone. He had secretly unlocked the outside door to the basement, on a former visit. Scared me half to death and I was just dumbfounded by his boldness and verbal maneuvering to make excuses for himself. He knew full well Dad did not want him there.
So... just from my own experience - I guess just expect anything at this point.
I hate it when even my kids pop in with my hair not brushed and me still in my PJ's, but somehow they seem to get a kick out of it! One of these days I'm gonna show up on their doorstep at 7 am on a Sunday, at least they usually bring doughnuts with them!
Nonetheless, I do hope that the visit goes well and Grandma is kind to them and Visa versa, they both deserve closure and a pleasant visit with each other. As for touring Grandma's house unaccompanied, I doubt that will go over well with Grandma or SIL. Why ever would they need to be alone? They can certainly wander through with DH waiting in the livingroom, but it does seem an odd request. I think that I would nip that in the bud if it were me. It raised too many bad feelings all around, and they can see the place just fine with an escort.
DH does have a certain responsibility for seeing that the house is properly secure and his Mom's things are left in their place (not that they are going there to cause mischief) , though I do understand their wanting to see the place and relive their happy memories.
It will be nice for your husband to see his Nephews and the kids to see their cousins, so Cheers to hoping this visit is a positive experience for everyone!
Having been in contact with him routinely, the chemo seems to be having an effect in various ways. He'd said the other day when I called him, he was in hopes they'd not deem it appropriate for this week. His chief complaint is the vacillating between diarrhea and constipation, can't seem to hit a happy medium on that issue, and the fatigue. No nausea .. no hair loss (not yet) .. but just fatigued, weak.
His specific set up has him going on the day before the chemo tx, to the lab around the corner from his home (c'giver facilitates transport for that) .. and getting blood drawn. He'd done that yesterday AM. By the time afternoon rolled around, a call from the oncology group . and the labs in. His Potassium is too high and so something rx'd to deal with that .. something .. some kinda medicine called into the pharmacy and it seemed no one has it .. whatever this drug is .. not Walgreens, not CVS .. not the grocery store (his preferred pharmacy). So they instead were going to call in Lasix .. ??.....
Also his white blood cell count, too low. Some other something called in to address that. And they want him to have more blood work, 1st of next week to check some of the readings on the above, and cancelled this week's chemo tx. He was relieved, . didn't want to go anyway .. feels as though this fatigue . along with the lower GI issues .. is more than he can do.
He is talking with the docs on it all, . .and the general response is .. "these are side effects that are to be expected" .. and they kinda address it .. with (see above) meds, .. but mostly .. it's just ... "it's kinda expected, as a side effect". He seems aware of that also.
I don't know enough about the whole thing and how it plays out, to be terribly concerned (ignorance is bliss). Not that there's a lot I would/could do anyway .. being that stepmom .. is somewhat of a problem in the broader scheme of things. So I keep a distance.
On the other front, the eldest of EB's two sons has backed out of coming. He was to have flown out of Laguardia yesterday (lives in NYC) .. and to fly to Atlanta to meet his younger brother, who was flying to Atlanta (where their mom lives) from CA ... and the two of them fly from Atlanta to here tomorrow. EB's oldest son texted last night, that yesterday .. (for some reason that I don't know) .. LaGuardia experienced the 2nd busiest day in history . .and his flight got cancelled. And attempts to get on another flight have failed, so he's not coming.
That leaves only EB's youngest son to come here tomorrow. And interestingly enough .. of the two sons of EB .. the eldest would be the one that MIL is more inclined to take any interest in (if there's any at all). The eldest seems to have a brain .. and the youngest is kooky and irresponsible.
EB's youngest son is the one that called MIL .. oh it's been maybe 5 years ago or more (last time the two had any contact) .. and did so at what, for her, was 2 AM .. (he lives in CA and so I guess, not mindful that calling at that hour .. wouldn't be a good thing) .. and woke her up, startled her. It took her a few mins to get her bearings .. and figure out who it was on the phone .. at that hour .. since this is someone she hasn't talked to in years. He'd called her at what was 2 AM . to announce he was coming for xmas. She, being addled and feeble minded, even then, .. once she got her bearings and realized who she was talking to, .. and .. geeze the whole thing .... for him to even think that her home was where he'd want to land for xmas .. he hadn't seen or spoken to her in years ... and ... she's no one to entertain guests .. not even then. ... she told him to not worry with coming for xmas .. and in fact, just don't call her anymore. And he hasn't.
So that's the EB's son that will be coming, . unless we get a call from him today that since his older brother isn't
Since his older brother isn't able to come, .. he will put it off himself, and come at a time they both can do so. Which is possible, waiting to see.
Both daughters ... YD and DD .. .have said they will accompany .. to Purgatory .. and be there when this EB's son visits .. and also .. to the MIL house, should he wish to go... I don't know that he will, it was possibly the elder son that was all about going there, we'll see .. going to the house.
Feels very deceptive .. I've talked to SIL a few times this week . just .. chit chatting .. her talking about the big hullaballoo . of the past weekend, her daughter's wedding, all the out of town guests .. her g'kids being there . and have all flown home now back to the other side of the world where they reside .. and how exhausting it all was .. just chit chatting with her. And yet I haven't "told her" this is in the offing, as to a visit from EB's son(s). Feels very deceptive. But I haven't told her.
SIL all up in arms ....
The dreaded bathing issue. It never ends.
Since we can't ever dial down on specifically where the problem exists. Is it ..
1) The lazy/lax staff don't ask MIL on her designated days for bathing, if she'd like a shower (what SIL would have as the case)
or
2) Is it that MIL is asked, and declines (what I would term it) .. or at least partly.
SIL had taken to .. she calls on the specific designated days .. Wednesdays and Saturdays . to remind staff . and her mom . two calls.
MIL is slated for afternoons as her time slot. If they even ask, who knows.
On this past Saturday when SIL was in full wedding mode, .. helping to get 3 g'kids who were in the wedding .. ready and dressed and to where they needed to be, as well as herself .. she took the time to call . the two calls .. as to reminders for shower. It didn't happen.
MIL's story . "they never asked, no one ever came". And yes, she has asked her mom "don't you want a shower?". Her mom replies, ''Yes .. I would love a shower" .. and she has said to her mom . "you know you can ask them yourself". Her mother replies, .. "I don't know what day of the week it is usually .. a Tuesday for me, is the same as a Sunday or any other day, I don't keep up with the days of the week". SIL replying to her mom .. "But I call and remind you! .. can you not ask them yourself .. on the days that I let you know 'mom . it's Wednesday .. make sure they get you bathed today' .. let them know". Her mom replies, .. I guess I just forget I don't know.
So this past Saturday (when we were in town) .. she had enough going on, but put aside the time to call for reminders to staff and to MIL. Still didn't happen. The mom's story .. "no nobody ever came".
SIGH
So then Wednesday rolls around .. and once again, time to get that on everyone's radar via reminders .. and especially since she knew that Thursday MIL was to be carted by facility to the same surgeon who did her hip repair .. she'd fallen a month or so ago .. and the facility had a mobile xray unit come . and nothing was found, as to any injury . but MIL was still complaining of pain . and so SIL set an appt with the surgeon .. the one that did her hip repair when she broke it .. and for her to be seen. That was to transpire on Thursday. So .. SIL knowing her mom wasn't bathed on Saturday .. .surely she needs to be bathed before going to the doc, this is Wednesday . her next designated shower day . . so reminder(s) as appropriate.
It didn't happen.
MIL's story .. "no, no one ever came".
Round and round it goes .. and SIL asking of her mom .. "Why don't you ask them .. I call and remind you .. I call and remind them too, . why don't you ask".
MIL, more of the same .. I don't know one day from the next ... I don't keep up with the days of the week.
Round and round it goes.
SIL called yesterday AM to make sure that all was on target as to transport for doc appt .. and complained
Complained to the staff person she'd spoken to the day before as to reminders on showering .. and that staff person apologized, . said Thursdays aren't her day for showers, but they'd go get her showered right now, .. prior to her doc appt, which SIL then verified later with her mother, they did do.
They carted her to the doc .. the surgeon .. for her hip appt . but fouled that up too. She was to have had an xray and then see the doc ..
Well she got the xray but no doc visit. Said the staffer that accompanied her, said it was time to go. MIL tells it that she said to the staffer .. "I think I'm supposed to see the doc too .. that's how it always goes .. I go get an xray but then I see the doctor". Said the staffer replied, .. "no you're appt today is only for an xray", and off they went, back to Purgatory.
SIL telling me: "I feel like I'm dealing with complete incompetence and imbeciles".
She'd called yesterday afternoon to talk to the afternoon DON to complain about the above .. the showering . and the doc visit that wasn't seen to. Said the DON said, "sounds like we messed up on that .. we'll track down the xray and see if we can't get word from the doc on it". Sounds like she talked to the afternoon DON and told him, politely, but firm .. that she is holding him responsible . and as she put it, "What have I gotta do here to make sure my mom gets bathed? .. I mean your people .. I dont' wanna say they are liars . but .. they say they offer, she says they don't .. she would remember, . she wants a shower .. she says she wants one .. but they don't come".
So SIL all up in arms over that issue .. one that never seems to have any resolution.
When is SIL scheduled to come back to FL?
As far as MIL going to appointments without a family member, well, I'm not surprised Purgatory got it mixed up. It's too bad no one (H, YD or DD) could accompany her to the appointment. Well, soon enough SIL be around again and can do all of that.
I don't know what to say about the showering issue. Someone isn't telling the truth, but is it Purgatory or MIL?
I'm wondering if your father will actually complete all 12 chemo treatments. He might decide it's just not worth it because of the side-effects.
Glad you didn't go there and clean up HIS chitapalooza!
Or....SIL could put in a nanny cam and see for herself what really happens on MILs shower days....
They spend every waking minute with MIL taking care of the little issues and ignoring the huge ones that are looming. Part of that is just the aging and getting over focused on minutiae and ignoring bigger pieces of the puzzle.
Isn't there a white board in MIL's room? Can't you just write on it "Please make sure MIL gets her shower on Wed and Sat. Thanks so much" and remind the staff that she is NOT aware of what day of the week it is, so SHE isn't going to ask! I know MIL isn't in a hospital, and they have those boards so the patient can glance up at them and know what day it is, who the nurse/MA are for the day, and what else is going on that day--PT or OT.
The NH I am familiar with has such a thing--and a daily 'newsletter' letting clients know what crafts are available, BINGO, the daily menu--and all the patient has to do is look at the paper.
Any way, SIL will be back soon enough with her whirling and twirling and maybe (not holding my breath) she will get that cog eval done and start the process of emptying the house and bossing y'all around.
AND she will make sure MIL gets her showers. (Honestly, 2 showers a week seems absolutely minimal to me. I can't go 2 days....)
I'd have a long list of concerns for the DON.
Can SIL not call into doc appointments? Can DH truly not take a morning off to meet his mom at the hip surgeon?
Elders, especially elders with cognitive loss, get rotten medical care of there is no one there to advocate for them. And it sounds like MIL has no one really willing to do what matters.
I'm NOT saying that Dorker should have any part on this. I'm saying it's sad that MIL's kids don't seem to know how to step up to the plate.
My mom was never formally diagnosed with Dementia, but she was treated as if she did have it. When they did the assessment test when she was moving into AL she didn’t do well at all on the assessment. They wanted her to go in MC and mom wasn’t having that.
Staff should be able to recognize that MIL has cognitive issues.
Not that it makes any difference now, as Grandma wouldn't remember, but I doubt that her Real Grandson would have been so stupid not to take into consideration of the significant time different in his 20's or early 30's. Oh well, it's just sad that this poor Grandson is being held responsible for a call which probably never even happened! Lol!
Yes the facility should be able to recognize cognitive decline but in this situation, they are dealing wirh SIL who hasn’t been forthcoming and honest about MILs cognitive state. Does anyone think it’s possible that the staff has reached out to SIL about MILs cognitive decline and she’s scoffed at them?
It could have gone like this:
"Hi grandma! How are you?"
"What? Who is this? Who?"
"It's me, grandma - Your grandson!"
"Billy? Jack? Which one?"
"It's me! Billy!"
(chat chat a little...)
"Hey grandma - I was thinking I'd come visit you on Christmas!
But I don't have quite enough right now for the plane ticket. Is it possible you could send me $500 and I'll pay you back when I get there? I'll have my paycheck by then..."
Luckily, when it happened to my mom, I happened to be over for a visit right at that time. She thought she was talking to my own son, which surprised me some in the first place, but listening, it started sounding fishy. Some story about being in a broke down car out of state and needing money, so my mom told him I was there and handed me the phone!
I also would think that the staff would be fairly defensive about it with SIL, if indeed MIL was refusing often. They would always tell SIL that they tried, and were refused, again. I wonder how a cognitive assessment would change things. Would she get more attentive care? (seriously asking, as my mom never had one, although she was clearly experiencing some dementia during the last year, and "senior moments" prior to that.)
I was not a "whirly-gig" like SIL, but I sure was more involved than DH and DD as far as keeping a basic eye on things. Too bad there is no one in that family who can be the "happy medium." Like Barb said, the elderly need an advocate. (actually, so does anyone when in a care institution.)
As far as what a cognitive evaluation would accomplish, again probably depends on the facility but what I would expect, if MIL was my mother, is a totally different careplan and a different approach from the staff. That’s what I would advocate for, if I felt she didn’t need memory care yet. And as her child and advocate, I would have a better grasp on the situation and not automatically assume she’s not being showered & neglected. I truly believe if DH and SIL knew MIL had dementia, they would be better advocates for her. Just seems to me that MIL is being failed. But by who is up for argument. Valid arguements can be made against the staff and against SIL & DH.
I would think a care facility would have protocols in place -- that is, record-keeping -- for this struggle. I know that dispensing of medicine is recorded. I know that attendance at meals is watched but I doubt that is recorded. There don't seem to be routines for recording whether a bath happens or not or whether the resident refuses it.
Is it possible that MIL was actually bathed and forgot it and that when pressed by SIL the facility, not having records to assert otherwise, just assumes SIL is right, that MIL wasn't bathed, when she actually really was?
I think a family member, DH or SIL, needs to discuss the issue with the staff member whose job it is to do the bath. Find out what happened the last time, what typically happens etc. And be there around the general time for the next bathing to observe and cajole.
We were alerted by a staff member that Mom was refusing bathing. With that knowledge we were able to bring about improvements.
Soon enough, SIL will be back in town. Is that when the move from Purgatory will happen? Or are SIL and H willing to consider just keeping MIL in Purgatory?
So glad you are continuing to maintain those hard-fought boundaries regarding MIL, Dorker.
Too bad someone from family can’t be there (out of sight) when shower is offered, and see if MIL declines shower. That’s really silly to have to do something like that, but it would put to rest the not knowing.
Other times she said she didn't shower but still had damp hair & smelled of soap...
One time she just blurted out that she always said no because she hating having to need someone's help. She also was so worried they would lose her clothes when she took them off (they went in the dirty washing bag).
Comprimise was reached by showering Mon Wed Fri & showing her the dirty clothes bag. Easier on her & staff! Less battles & easier for her worsening memory to cope with.
She didnt know, for most of his visit there, accompanied by DD & YD, who did announce upon their arrival there, who was with them "hi granny. Look we brought _____ to visit you". So they did tell her but it was a long time before the dots connected on who he is. Finally it did, about 2 hours into what was a 3 plus hour visit.
She told DH later on the phone that it was one of the best days ever for her, enjoyed it
More later ..
All of this secretly recorded .. g'ma doesn't know he hit the "record" button on his smartphone, to record the whole conversation.
Was said later, ... to YD and DD .. that he hopes to, at some point, play that conversation for his dad to hear, . in an attempt to maybe forge a reconciliation if there can be one.
Also at the walk thru .. at the house .. I don't even know where such would be located there, but I guess the daughters did or do .. and some box was retrieved .. containing loads of pictures. Some of them he took, .. snapshots thru the years of his dad with various family members .. taken in the b'yard, there in the home, etc .. some with him as a child and/or his brother as a child there . on site.
Took some of those, . .also .. to share with his dad .. so he says .. in an attempt that will be made, at some point .. to try to pull at his dad's heartstrings.
Don't know how it will ever transpire or the success ratio of it all. Doesn't sound like he even talks to his dad more than a couple of times a year .. not real close. But I didn't pry.
There is to be a care plan meeting tomorrow at Purgatory as to MIL. DH to attend, has asked that I do so also. Not sure what input I can provide, I really am so absent the whole scene. I am "aware" of the problems .. as I hear of all the problems, far too often. But .. I have zero to do with any of it, and don't even know who is who there, to even direct a question ..
But chief complaints that need to be tabled:
A) Showers. It's one of life's greatest mysteries .. they say they do shower her, and/or offer . she says they don't. What is it? How to solve it? They already told SIL who had what sounds like a somewhat terse conversation with someone on staff there, on this issue, just the end of this past week .. they'd now provide a "Witness" .. as to showers.
Just this past Saturday (one of her designated shower days) .. YD and DD and EB's son there, for several hours. When they left, .. DD reported .. a CNA showed up to shower MIL. Yet MIL reported later . no one ever came, no shower. Nobody got up in arms about it, in the end, only because SIL had raised enough ruckus over the issue that they made it a special point to shower her on Thursday morning .. not one of her designated days for same. So this was only 2 days henceforth . and if she didn't gets showered in the end, . oh well. But . what the hay? I mean ... DD reports they were coming to shower her, as they were all leaving. MIL asked later .. "no no one ever came".
B) Her inability/unwillingness/no memory - to call for help toileting/changing clothes, what can be done about it?
DH and I just visited yesterday afternoon. She was, for the longest time, just lounging in her bed as we sat and visited. But eventually said she needs to get up to go to the potty and so began the struggle to ambulate from the bed and into the wheelchair that sat bedside.
She even said the words herself, as that struggle was commencing .. "ya know I take my life in my hands every time I do this". I responded, .. "call for help, there's your button right there, why won't you call them to help you". She just kept struggling to get out of the bed and into the wheelchair and I said it again (DH sitting right there also encouraging)