I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I'd heard DH and SIL talking that she does that now. Goes out, in her wheelchair, to what is the commons area .. and tries to chat up anyone (capable) chatting with her.
But to hear the recreation director sing the praises of MIL for doing that, .. and that she needs about 10 others like her, to do the same, if only she could have that.
It's encouraging to hear that she is now at least "trying" to engage some ..
Encouraging that for however it all occurred .. it somehow did .. that Chatty Cathy was to have a bday bash there and somehow MIL in with the woman that was planning it, to help fund it.
This is all more "engaging" with folks than she has done in YEARS.
The whole piece about moving her from Purgatory to "We are Family" and weighing all that out. There are still NUMEROUS questions that need to be spoken to in a sit down session w/someone from We are Family .. and that will occur if it seems that MIL needs to be moved.
But .. as things stand presently as to MIL and her residence at Purgatory .. it's agreed between SIL and DH both .. that it's almost like it's been a psychological type thing that now .. now that her Medicaid is approved finally . which is why she was there in the first place .. one of only a few places that actually takes Medicaid Pending. Now that Medicaid has been approved, . that means she "can/if she wishes" move to somewhere else, that takes Medicaid. We are Family does take Medicaid .. and so she's free to move now, if she wishes to do so .. and it's almost like it's been a psychological effect maybe .. that she hasn't complained as much .. and wanting outta there.
So nothing is being done at present as to moving that ball forward .. to get placement elsewhere, not right now anyway.
Look no further than her spinning into motion a visit to the ortho doc for a possible hip injury that the folks at Purgatory had already seen to via mobile xray and confirmed there was no injury ..
Yes, maybe she was sore .. don't doubt that a bit .. maybe some soft tissue/muscle pull or something from that fall. But Purgatory had done what they do .. .called for their mobile xray unit and that was completed, .. confirmed there was no damage, injury.
But nothing would do that MIL had to be carted off to the same surgeon who had repaired the hip a few months earlier, when it was broken in a fall. SIL got that set in motion ..
The appt .. there was no availability to see MIL for several weeks. That appt did transpire the other day. Her carted and escorted by Purgatory to said visit. There, .. she was to have an xray (that part was seen to) and to also see the MD while on site. The latter, not seen to.
This caused much uproar ..
Now SIL aware they'd negated to see to that latter piece of it all, ..
I had said when I heard the hoopla of all this .. said to DH .. "I think had the radiologist seen any cause for concern, . .they'd of made a stink about her leaving .. and made certain she sees the MD ... I don't think she needed to be carted to the whole thing in the first damn place .. she's been participating in PT .. and she surely couldn't of been doing that if there were any injury .. PT staff would've known long before now . it's been weeks since that latest fall .. they'd of known by now .. there is something wrong here .. she can't participate in PT, too painful, I think that was all a colossal waste of time".
Oh but the stink that all raised .. that they didn't see to that MD appt while on site, . left absent that piece of the whole thing.
In the end, the written report was forwarded to Purgatory .. no damage ..
But in the interim a terse convo between SIL and the powers-that-be at Purgatory about their not having seen to that latter piece of it all, and that individual sorta biting back at SIL . that it was all unnecessary to begin with . .they'd already had an xray done at the juncture when this occurred and there had been no evidence of damage.
Indeed .. SIL and her whirligigs in motion . even still ... all the time.
There's some changes afoot. Sounds like SIL is being a little less aggressive--she's not there, so that is limiting her, and honestly, that's good.
The 'care conversation' is almost laughable in it's timing. This could have been super helpful a year or two ago--now it's just the frosting on the cake. EVERYBODY knows she has dementia, all they are evaluating her for is the LEVEL of it and what kind of care she is going to require, going forth. No, she cannot live in ANY kind of "independent' living situation, ever. She can't remember if she pushed a button or took a shower? Basic life skills.
My mother is 'besties' with a woman at her Sr Center with whom she has played Bingo and out to lunch MANY times over the last 12 years. Donna still drives, so when they go out, Donna always drives right past my house. Do you believe that it took 12 years for mother to realize that she was not just 'in my neighborhood' but actually in front of my house! I'm sure I must have been outside one or two of those times---but she wouldn't have batted an eye at seeing me. She was clueless that she was in my neighborhood.
When I told Mother I had cancer, her parting words to me were "Can I tell Donna? Her little dog is dying of cancer and she will appreciate knowing about you".
I said "Mom, you tell whomever the he77 you want to tell. BTW, Donna knows, she lives less than a block away from me. I see her all the time." And I haven't spoken to mother since.
Dealing with 'choosy dementia' is really hard, I never know what mother remembers or what she's 'rewritten' in her mind or what she's talking about. Giving up caring for what she's doing and such has been hard for me--I spent a lot of time trying to make life better for her and she never cared. A sad life lesson for me.
It does sound like you've covered the showering issue as long as SIL gets her daily call from the IL center..honestly, they probably will throw a party when she leaves just due to the extra work and drama SIL has caused.
Just wondering...does SIL realize what a PITA she is? Or is she so deeply involved in being her, she doesn't 'think'. Just that this is HER mother and needs all this attention?
And now it's October b/f we see her? Who wants to place bets it's more like....3 days before Thanksgiving and that NOVEMBER, folks. This is getting kind of silly, in a way.
It's a supreme waste of time for the dr when he sees a clean bill of health from the radiologist and the family insists on a visit. They may tentatively schedule an in office visit and then cancel if the xray looked good.
That's not being mean to MIL, that's normal treatment.
Logical people want to know ‘why’ and will often super-impose a ‘why’ where none exists. There is, more often than not, no ‘why’ for remembering one thing vs another or sometimes remembering to do something vs not remembering to do something.
Just like we can predict every flicker of a flickering light that has a faulty connection, we can’t predict or explain why people with dementia are doing things. That is why spending times on the ‘whys’ (aside from major safety and health concerns) is pretty futile.
I think it's great that she's actually getting out and about, even though she will never mention it to your guys, for if she did she wouldn't get the pity party attention she so loves. It does make sense that she is attempting to engage with others, now that she is settling in, and that she has formed some true friendships. I say more power to her, there just might be a little spark left in the ole' gal yet!
So .. I guess, as is always the case, SIL called the DON .. it's Wednesday after all .. and reminder .. "mother needs to be showered" .. and her mom, . ."don't forget this is Wednesday . .they need to come shower you" ..
...............and as part of her reminder to the DON, "Now she just had her hair done on Monday in the salon .. so she needs to just wear a shower cap, doesn't need her hair washed".
Lordt have Mercy!
How it translated out in the end:
SIL checked with her mother and yes they came and showered her, . telling her, "your daughter called from out of town . wants to make sure you get a shower" .. didn't give her time to locate her shower cap .. .didn't wash her hair, .. but soaked it .. and as MIL reports it, .. "the shower was so fast, I don't even think they used any soap".
MIL somewhat aggravated with her daughter and asking that she just leave it to her .. that she doesn't need two showers weekly, one will suffice, and she will handle it .. that it was humiliating .. and rushed .. and almost as if they were aggravated.
Holy jeeze!
Not surprised though.
No, SIL doesn't seem to have any inkling how annoying she is.
If I didn't know better with the above story .. I'd maybe be inclined to think .. this was a spiteful .. sorta situation .. "your daughter wants you bathed, BY GOD we're gonna do it", . and they did it in a rush . maybe didn't even use soap . soaked her hair, ... didn't wash it, as instructed, but soaked it . no opportunity (supposedly) to locate her shower cap. Sounds almost spiteful.
People don't like to be 2nd guessed. I know, I wore the hat too long.
But aside from that, .. finally heard from PT ..
Had approached the topic yesterday in care team meeting .. but PT wasn't present to answer to this issue, .. and a promise to call later.
So, conference call this afternoon .. DH and myself and SIL.
Question: "So we can understand it better, why is PT ending .. at least for now? is it because the insurance bene's have run their course, or is it lack of progress".
Was explained that MIL has basically plateaued. She was .. making progress .. and has. But has plateaued. Thus .. PT ends .. for now. She now switches to what is called "restorative PT" . that means a PT aide will come to her room and do .. what is basically set up so that she doesn't decline any further .. ostensibly.
Was explained that she's been in PT for four months .. and while she can use a walker (120 feet) . with aides present .. she hasn't progressed to being able to .. not without prompt anyway .. do the compensatory measures that have been taught to her .. such as .. if she encounters a narrowing of her pathway .. navigating around that . without prompt of what to do .. and/or . maybe the floor just got mopped . so don't go that way .. wait for the floor to dry .. not without prompt. Said .. it's due to age . deterioration of her muscles but also cognitive in that she can't remember the compensatory measures they've taught her, not unless someone is with her and prompts.
So that answers that question. I did ask .. "what is the prognosis as to her ever walking again".
The PT director hedged (she can't just come right out and say it I don't suppose) .. "well as I said . some of her problems are cognitive . and not being able to remember the compensatory measures we teach her .. and some of it is just age . it's hard to say".
Translation .. "not likely" is how I read it.
And she will check with OT to see what can be done as to the toilet. At present .. it's a problem in that .. the toilet is affixed with a DME bedside commode, which does a great job as to raising the height .. something she needs. But a lousy job as to it being sturdy enough for bracing off . .to get up and get down. She'll check.
So for now, PT ends .. and the hope is that restorative .. at least maintains . .her status quo ... if not PT can be re-evaluated as t
So I'm not sure a gripper is safe or effective for MIL, either.
The other thing I wanted to mention is that I'm really surprised PT has continued for MIL as long as it has. I guess she got so much PT because of breaking her hip and her other medical crises since she entered the hospital in February.
Just as was the case with my mother, MIL is never going to walk again as a way of life. It will become an occasional activity which is done when the aide comes for the "restorative therapy."
Does SIL think that MIL is actually going to become more mobile at some point?
She can always call for assistance (she doesn't).
I don't think there was any unrealistic expectations on SIL's . .or DH's for that matter as to her ever being up and about on her rollator again. In fact, .. it causes me to pause and reflect at one of her hospitalizations .. I think prior to all this fiasco with the broken hip and so forth . and the staff had her up and on her rollator to walk the hall .. and she said to that staff person (she's out of her ever loving mind) .. her words "I hope to get to the point that I can throw this damn thing in the trash" . referring to her rollator.
I think MIL is of the mindset .. that's why she is where she is . to work on (PT) .. getting back up and onto the rollator . .and .. better yet if that can be thrown in the trash and her walking again, unassisted. Not realistic.
I'm not sure why, for here, .. her reality .. is that's why she's there. She doesn't seem to have a grasp of .. "I'm here because I can't live alone .. even if by some miracle I could walk again .. even unaided ... I still can't live alone .. ever again". Her mindset is one of .. "that's why I'm here, for PT, to walk again".
As she said to DH just last week (aware PT is ending coming soon) .. "Now what? They aren't going to be working with me to get me walking again .. that's why I'm here . to do PT to be able to walk again".
Her mobility .. even before the broken hip and the last year's events .. her mobility was so so so bad. It really was.
As SIL said to the PT director in yesterday's phone call, (and she's right) .. "oh well even before she fell and broke her hip .. she was very very very slow on that rollator .. and it was an enormous struggle for her to get down to a seated position and up from a seated position . .one that she'd have to attempt numerous times . such lack of leg strength".
I can remember being over at her house, her standing in the kitchen holding onto that rollator .. and if she so much as lifted a finger off of it .. it was Whoa .. whoa ... as she'd be about to go over . her balance and so forth .. so so compromised.
DH said .. in all this yesterday ... shaking his head in dismay .. "I told her .. when she used to live alone .. I told her so many times . mom if you fall and break your hip it's gonna be over for you .. you've got to be so careful".
So no, I don't think this all comes as a surprise to any of us .. to MIL .. yea .. it'd be a shock and dismaying. No one is going to sit with her and explain (I don't think, what good would it do anyway . she probably wouldn't remember) . "Look .. your days of ambling around on a walker, . .are over" .. I don't think that conversation is on anyone's radar. Needless really.
I guess if she pressed on the whole thing .. as she said to DH the other day "Now what? That's what I'm here for .. to work on walking again, with PT .. now what, PT is ending". I guess if she really pressed and pressed .. but she doesn't. And one just kinda shrugs and moves along to another topic and that's the end of that.
I think SIL is seeing now more clearly than ever, .. as to the cognitive piece of all this ... it was mentioned in yesterday's phone call by the PT director .. was mentioned by staff .. in the care meeting .. as something they can look at, as to why she can't remember things .. and .. SIL didn't balk.
She even repeated back to the PT director, so she could make sure she understands herself . as to MIL's limitations and having plateaued. PT director mentioned her having plateaued .. and at the root of it . is some cognitive . but also her age, . .and muscle weakness, lack of strength/stamina .. SIL even repeating what was said. So she is absorbing it.
But then later, SIL said of it all .. "I think .. her memory wasn't great before she
Before she broke her hip . but that surgery/anesthesia .. it seems like it's gotten so much worse since then".
It's enough to make me want to scream ... but I let it go.
No, her memory has been bad for years ... YEARS. She couldn't remember to take her damn meds . routinely .. and I was screaming it from rooftops as the fallout fell in my corner to pick up the damn pieces of her failure to do so.
Her cognitive function has been compromised .. long long before the hip surgery/anesthesia.
But I guess that's what SIL has to hang it all on.
And another .. sort of ... I guess .. positive in all this .. is the fact that the PT director mentions her having plateaued .. and ... even compensatory strategies . are really not helpful when you factor in she can't remember to do them .. and .. in the end .. what that does is bring it all in 20/20 focus . that she will be in a wheelchair going forward . for the rest of her days. That brings it all .. more clearly into focus.
And as DH said of it all, after the fact, .. it's like a light dawned for him . his words: "She can't go home . she's gonna be in a wheelchair . she wouldn't be able to get around ... and she couldn't get in and out of rooms in her home ... the doors would all have to be widened .. she can't be at her home".
You just want to smack him on the back of the head .. "what made you even think for a shred of a moment that she can go back home you idiot .. even if she did walk again . she's too damn compromised .. .. her mental faculties .. and all that's wrong with her .. .even if she was back on a rollator . that was off the table, the damn day you signed as DPOA . for Medicaid funding for her to reside in a SNF".
But whatever it takes .... for her . SIL . as to realization on the cognitive piece . whatever it takes . on DH's part .. to come to the very real clarity . that she is where she HAS TO BE.
That whole thing with yesterday's shower .. it all just seems to resonate that there was some vindictiveness going on. Maybe they were fed up with being "told" .. what is their job to do .. maybe it had to do with .. "they actually had to do .. follow through .. on what is their job to do .. see to a bath for her". It sure wreaks of some vindictiveness on their parts. But this is .. based on, as told by MIL. I'm sure they'd tell a different story .. so one has to really take it with a grain of salt.
I asked SIL .. "do you plan to talk to the DON tomorrow . to express your dismay at how all that was handled?".
SIL: "No, don't plan to .. gotta pick my battles".
My response: "Well .. she DID get her bath ... they did see to it, she got bathed, so there's that".
According to SIL .. her mom is a bit disgruntled with her .. for making it all such a big deal .. and ... in the end, putting her in the position of having to endure . what is possibly their aggravation at same . and the humiliation of it all, .. she told her daughter, .. "just stay out of it, let me handle it, .. I don't need two showers a week .. one is good enough for me, and I'll handle it".
(((But .. recently . that's what caused this to get so on the radar and dialed in on . she'd gone 14 days with no bathing . because ... one can't zero in on . are they asking and she is declining . she says no . they don't come . and we know it's hopeless to depend on her, . she doesn't know what day of the week it is to even ask. So .. *leave it up to me, I'll take care of it* .. that's not really viable . she can't .. she doesn't remember to see to it .. Will be interesting to see what transpires going forward as to Wednesdays and Saturdays and bathing .. will SIL do as her mom said . leave it alone . in which case . it's likely her mom won't get bathed . as we've seen .. or will she still hound to the ends of the earth . the staff and her mom. We'll see)))
Denial is the BEST defense. It allows vulnerable people to protect their fragile psyches from hard truths.
One of my cousins died of cervical cancer at 50. Her mom, my aunt, never admitted that her daughter was dead. And no, she did not have dementia.
She went through her daughter's funeral clear eyed and calm. A year later, when my dad died and was buried in the same cemetery, she became completely unglued. (Denial only protects you up to a point).
DH and SIL are both very damaged people. It would behoove you, Dorker, to find a therapist (I know that yours retired) who can support you through the next couple of years.
NOT because there is anything wrong with you, but because you are surrounded by folks who are not dealing with reality well.
You GOT IT!
If I didn't know the reason my DH is being such and a-h07e about my sickness is that he cannot, cannot accept the truth (despite the shiny bald head I am sporting) and the fact I am obviously sick (enough so that a sweet woman at WalMart asked 3 other people in line in front of me if I could please go ahead of them? I only had 5-6 items, but I was fading fast and thinking I may just leave the cart and get home)...yet he can't figure out why the stairs don't get vacuumed.
This is the monster I created.
Yesterday the doc is palpating DEEP for any signs of the original lymph nodes--and you cannot feel anything. And she's going DEEP, like, 'ok doc, that hurts and you're going to come out the back of my neck'. She comments 'This is great, I cannot feel a thing!' Dh replies. "I never really felt anything, myself", I thought the doc might lean over and slap him. He has maintained all along that all I had was a lingering infection.
DENIAL.
DENIAL.
DENIAL.
Must be nice to stare at the truth and see....nothing.
He had called me, .. and only said he thought "they" could handle it this week .. and so I bowed out. I don't persuade and cajole. When he said "they" I thought that probably meant, the c'taker and he and wife.
But I found out after the fact, . when c'taker called me, that she'd left there at noon that day (Friday) and them on their way .. and she was calling me, it's like 6 PM . .and hadn't been able to reach them .. and wanted to know if I'd heard from them.
I had not.
In the end, it turns out some snafu there at the oncology office, .. an appt that was to have been at 3 PM . turned out to have taken a whole lot longer than was anticipated, due to bureaucratic issues .. he didn't elaborate on. He weathered it all fine, .. as he reported .. and nothing of any significance at the appointment.
Was a good thing I'd been relieved of that task .. as I'd of probably had to bow out anyway.
DH .. we'd had him at the ER the night before. Some abdominal pain .. all of this rooted in some pretty severe constipation he's experiencing ever since we got back from IL. I guess it's one thing to kick up the fiber intake and begin with OTC stuff to try to alleviate that issue, but when it then begins to also now accompany pains in your abdomen that are causing you to be debilitated and doubled over .. a whole other matter.
We've done all the above .. to try to get him some relief, .. more fiber intake, . enemas .. Miralax daily .. you name it ... and nothing seemed to be working .. and him by Thursday .. doubled over in pain .. writhing it hurt so bad.
Off to the ER we went. DH was sure .. (and we still don't know what's going on) . he had some kinda blockage ongoing . has to be after all this time .. something is wrong! Off to the ER. By the time we got to the ER .... as is always the case, that accute pain .. it wanes . it comes and goes ...
But nonetheless. There, they did blood work, urinalysis .. CT scan .. nothing found. Mildly enlarged prostate but nothing that should be causing acute pain like he's experiencing off and on. No blockages, no sign of inflammation or infection.
He was sent on his way with an rx for pain .. and another rx for nausea .. when he gets that acute pain .. it causes him to get nauseous. Got those filled .. and came on home. That was Thursday evening.
By then my dad had already relieved me of my task on his end for the week, and hadn't known . not when I talked to him . of DH's issues ongoing here on this end.
Friday was a follow up appt at the PCP .. and go over what was said/done in ER .. and pretty much the same results there .. doc rx'd something for enlarged prostate to help that some. Sent us on our way .. w/instruction that he should continue with high fiber diet . and eliminate . for the time being .. much dairy from his diet .. and "let's just go on .. an every other day kinda thing here, if you can get to where you eliminate every other day . then we'll go with that for now". Nobody real concerned.
Friday AM was about that appt. DH then went on w/his day.
I had agreed . since I was now free of the chemo trip . to watch twins for DD as her husband was to have afternoon dental surgery .. and so had her drop the twins off here about 1 or so in the afternoon on Friday.
DH came in from his workday about 3 or so . .and all was okay, relatively speaking (he still is experiencing a sensation of needing to eliminate but when attempting to do so .. little results). We had the twins here .. watching them.
It got to be dinner time, .. and so I ran out to pick up a take out . left him here with the twins .. and by the time I got back he was once again, in the floor .. writhing in pain .. w/that stomach pain that he gets intermittently.
I didn't know what in the h377 to do .. he is hurting .. when that happens . so badly ..
They checked his gall bladder?
If you ask him .. who can barely talk, it's so incapacitating .. "what's the scale of pain, 1 to 10", he will tell you it's about a 90 ..
I didn't know what in the h377 to do ... I've got these twins here .. two yo's .. they aren't old enough to understand, .. "now go sit down and let me deal with your g'pa here" .. and yet I also can't throw them in the car and head to the ER .. I don't have their car seats .. I was to only watch them while DD dealt with her husband's dental surgery and some sedation . and get him home .. with whatever supplies he might need to weather the after effects of his issues.
DD was .. in talking with her .. she was in route to bring home her sedated husband .. on the other side of town . and YD was at work .. and so .. .nobody I could call upon to leave the twins with and take off w/him to the ER.
I was asking if he needs me to call 911 . .and he is so incapacitated when that pain hits him that he can't even really effectively communicate. Trying to wrangle two 2 yo's .. and keep them at bay and out of harm's way . but also try to ascertain from him what in the name of GOD to do to help him.
DD fighting rush hour traffic from the other side of town to bring home her sedated husband .. and had .. prior to all this .. every intention of going to get some ice packs for her husband, some soft foods . fill an rx from the dentist, etc . .and then come get her kids .. was told she has to come get her kids .. her dad is gonna have to go back to the ER .. and so she's fighting rush hour traffic to get her husband home, dump him off .. in his sedated self. And then get over here to pick up her kids .. DH still in considerable pain. It had begun to subside some, as it always does.
By the time she got here . he was no longer in such acute pain .. was laying in the bed .. and just trying to regroup. After she left I insisted let's go . we're going back to the ER.
Off we went.
But .. on the way .. "Take me back home, I'm not hurting anymore, this is senseless they already told me last night, they didn't find anything wrong . let's just go home, this is just dumb ... just take me home".
So home we went.
Then an hour or so later, same as above . this time .. off to the ER we went, again.
When this pain hits him . he can't sit up .. he feels a constant pressure as if he needs to eliminate .. but nothing much is coming out .. and so .. I dunno. So we get to the ER . and he lays out on two chairs pushed together . (not like him .. he really has a pretty high pain threshold).
By the time the doc came in .. it was a matter of .. doc saying to him . a different doc than was seen the night before. "I really don't know what more to offer you .. I've reviewed your lab work, and CT from last night . and there really isn't anything there .. there just isn't .. there's no blockage .. CT is pretty good at picking up on that, .. it doesn't show any inflammation . .your lab work all comes back good .. I don't know . maybe this is all viral .. I really don't know . I think you are going to need to get an appt with a GI doc .. and get a colonoscopy . and get a better look at what's going on .. but I really don't have much to offer you ..".
DH saying to the doc: "Doc .. I'm 62 yo . and I know my body .. I am constipated . that's what's wrong with me, .. I don't know why it's not showing up on any CT scan that there is something there, .. but I'm telling ya .. that's what's going on and nothing is working".
The doc offered a rectal exam to look for abscess .. and stool .. and that there's a super strong laxative but the problem is . it's something that if he gives it to him there on site . he will likely not make it home before needing to eliminate . .and .. he's not allowed . it's so strong .. to give it to him there to take it home . has to be administered there on site.
In the end, . that doc did give him the laxative to take it home . .instruction it will
kick in, about 15 mins . so be near a bathroom .. in fact, don't get too far away from one . and better yet make sure you have some water on hand so as to not dehydrate this is some strong stuff.
Home we went . he took this laxative .. we were sure was gonna be explosive.
Nope.
7 hours later .. some relief, not much ..
7 hours! Not within mins.
So .. I am to make an appt with a gastro doc for colonoscopy .. and will get that seen to today ..
So all that to say . in the end .. I don't know .. I guess it's a really good thing I didn't get tied up in all that chemo snafu the other day .. as things played out here .. I was sorely needed on this end.
I've never talked so much about BM's and so forth in all my life. This all beats anything I've ever seen/heard of. I told him he's become like a crazy person obsessed with BM's ..
He has gone a few times since that one episode, but none of it is . as he says "real productive" and in the interim he does feel a constant .. sensation of needing to go . yet nothing productive happens . not really.
The stomach pain . the GOD awful .. debilitating doubling over in a fetal position .. that seems to have subsided .. at least as of yesterday .. we will see.
In the meantime . it's been Raisin Bran, shredded wheat, prune juice .. Miralax .. and trying to eat high fiber .. and .. go at it from that angle.
I don't know what in the h377 has happened that we got back from IL and he has been screwed up .. as to his constitution . ever since.
So maybe your father will not need your help for transportation to and from the chemo appointments, or at least not every week?
No he isn't balking . wants to get to the bottom of all this.
This beats anything I've ever seen.
Almost everyone has times of maybe having things not firing on all cylinders .. so .. okay . kick up the fluid intake, .. eat a prune or two a day .. some prune juice, .. up the fiber .. get more activity . things correct themselves.
Not so .. in this case.
When my ex had one, I honestly thought he was doing some bizarre impersonation of me in labour (this happened about six weeks after our first baby was born, early one morning when we were still in bed). I know your DH *thinks* the pain feels like bowel urgency, but when it's that intense it is actually quite difficult to identify the precise source. And besides, an intestinal obstruction or torsion bad enough to do that would not be hidden on a scan.
So I should put the question to the docs if I were you, politely of course: "is it possible the pain is referred from somewhere else, such as..."
If DH has a high pain tolerance and whatever this is, is taking him to the floor I have to wonder about a kidney stone along with the others.
I know your DH has his own business and if he is out on site in this heat he is a prime candidate. Men always say they drink tons of water but in this heat it’s just not enough.
I have kidney stones. Not all kidney stones are alike. Not all kidney stone pain is alike. BUT, kidney stone pain can be excruciating. It is said the pain is worse than childbirth. I’ve had a natural childbirth and I kinda remember what that was like. Kidney stone pain is so bad I sometimes don’t remember what the pain felt like. I only remember bits a pieces of the way I behaved.
I have never had a kidney stone missed on a CAT Scan. But I guess anything is possible. From kidneys to point of exit is a big area.
And, it is possible to be constipated and have a kidney stone.
One other weird thing I’ll throw in...when my DH was in his 20s he was having off and on abdominal pain for months. It’s been a long time I don’t remember all the details. He made another visit to family Dr who finally sent him to ER. I THINK ER decided to do exploratory surgery.
DHs appendix had grown a tail and it had wrapped around his intestine. Not a complete blockage.
Anyway, poor DH. Whatever is giving him fits more water shouldn’t hurt him.
I would try magnesium supplements for the constipation, it flushes through the bowels so you intentionally take to much and it will flush. It may take a few days if he is really stove up. I take 1600mg many days and I don't have migraines or bowel issues.
I would recommend magnesium gel caps and take them at night. They help you sleep. He could also try a glass of Epsom salts. It will get things moving quicker, but I find it rough to drink. He should be sure and stay hydrated no matter what he chooses to do.
I am sitting in the ER with my DH who is having "tingling in his cheek and pain in his left jaw". He decided he had a piched nerve and wants to find a chiropractor. I asked him to give his PCP a call first. Thus, we are in the ER because he may be having a heart attack. Probably not, but I'd rather go with DH's long time PCP's knowledge base than DH's or mine.
I second the motion on Dorkers DH seeing his PCP.
Dorker,
You might push the subject by asking DH “what would happen if this pain hit you while you were driving”?