I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
If he is in that much pain, you keep after the Drs until you have a solid DX.
Abdominal pain is the worst---just got through a weekend of severe constipation (first 4 days post chemo are like this) and I thought I would die.
Emotional issues can cause untenable pain too---DH has really only just recently accepted that his mother is NOT Ok and is not going to be. This could be a part of the pain--the guts will 'torsion' on themselves and it's miserable. Or cramp down and it doesn't show on an X ray or CT scan.
For me, my DH is either 'ok' or an 11 on the pain scale. He has no sense of 1, or 4 or 10. Either he's fine or he's dying. This has made the decision to run him to the ER or wait until morning to be nigh until impossible to decide.
The magnesium was what was ordered up for me when I was having constant tummy issues (all emotional based). I did take them for a while before they helped and they did help a lot.
Don't just accept the drs 'he's fine' if he's still in pain. My SIL is a gastro doc and the stories he's told me of people who've had gut ruptures or something are truly hair raising. PAIN is not to be the natural state of the guts.
Good luck. I'm home today with a DH who chose to golf 18 holes in 100 degree heat and is now bedridden. Me? I am 4 days post chemo and sick as a dog and he can't lift a bag of trash. But he is SO MUCH SICKER than I am. I'm trying to find someone to help me do yard work as DH neglected it for a couple weeks and now my yard looks like garbage. Grrrrrrrr…….
Hang in there midkid! Hope the chemo side affects don’t last too much longer. Men can be such babies when they are sick! I will never forget the time we all got hit with the stomach flu. My daughter got it first and it was pretty mild. Thought it was just a 24 hour bug or something. 2 days later, I got it and it knocked me down good!! For 2 days I couldn’t keep anything down and felt like death! And I had to take care of the kids all day by myself with no help. By day 3, I was so weak & felt so sick all I could do was sit in the rocker in my sons room while he played (he was 8 months old) on the floor. You should have seen the reaction I got when I asked hubby to call his mom and ask her to pick up DD from preschool! I truly did not have the strength to get dressed and drive over to her school, and carry my son 1-2 blocks (because there’s no parking at the school), and then walk another 1-2 blocks back to the car. He did call his mom but not until after he basically said I was ridiculous and needed to suck it up and deal with it. And guess who got hit with the bug 24 hours later? He did. And he stayed in bed, in a pitch black room for 24 hours, only getting up to run to the toilet. You should have heard the moaning coming from that room all day!! Every time I walked by, I heard “oohhhhhh”. And god forbid I turned the light on for a minute so I could see!! That’s what I realized men are much weaker than women LOL! I took care of a baby and a toddler while singing to the porcelain Gods for 3 days and this man couldn’t even get out of bed!
Midkid .. I keep you in my prayers as to your chemo and hope that your course of chemo will soon cease and all will be well, and you back up and at it again, in full force. You sound like a force to be reckoned with when firing on all cylinders, a get it done kinda person. I'm sure this having knocked you back some .. isn't easy for you, in more ways than just one.
DH did go to the PCP.
I had, at his request, on Thursday, called to make an appt for him, to see his PCP. That appt., was slated for Friday AM.
The request he made to have me get him an appt .. was born out of, at least at that point .. "I can't chit .. I've been back from our trip now for just over a week and it's bad .. I just can't chit .. and I don't feel good .. I knew if I didn't get something going here ... I'd begin to fill bad .. can you get me an appt at the doc".
I did so. They were to see him Friday AM.
On Thursday afternoon DD called, it was raining buckets outside .. "can you go get L (her 5 yo) from school for me, so I don't have to get the twins out in this pouring rain".
Me: Sure no problem (her school is actually closer to me than DD is).
So I scooted out to get the 5 yo g'daughter from school .. and DD at work .. and had every intention of hanging onto the 5 yo to do something with her, . til later ..
When DD's husband called me (he's a panicky sort though) ... story goes there.
"I think you're gonna need to come get DH and get him to the ER .. he's not doing well here".
Me; "Huh? Not doing well how?".
Son in law: "We stopped by the house here .. (their house, his and DD's) and he had to use the bathroom here . but he got sick . began to throw up .. and was hurting badly in his belly .. and laying on the floor .. and really in pain".
Me: "Huh? Pain where, .. I mean I knew he was suffering from being constipated, but pain ..?!?!?? .. pain where???, ..
Son in law: "He says in his gutt"
Instead of heading here to my house with 5 yo, .. who I'd now retrieved from her school in the pouring rain .. I headed to DD's where DH and son in law were . and supposedly him in writhing pain.
I found him there .. at DD's on the carpeted floor laying down (that's not all that unusual for him though .. he will pull up a piece of carpeted floor just to lay down and chill out .. so being in the floor for him is not unusual). He was laid out on their carpeted floor .. and I asked of him "Do we need to get you to the hospital, son in law says you were in severe pain".
DH: "I was .. something is wrong ... man that was hurting bad .. !!!.... ".
Me: "Why didn't you have them call 911?".
DH: "I don't know .. I think it's subsiding some .. "
Him still laying the floor as he speaks those words. He stayed laying in the floor and we hung out for a few mins . and me asking him . is he alright, does he need to go to the hospital . him undecided ..
His druthers were to wait until the next AM where he knew I'd already set an appt for his PCP for him to be seen.
We hung out at DD's for a little bit . and I finally had him get up and sit up .. sit up on the sofa .. not laying down, let's see if that pain is going to return if you sit up .. otherwise .. we're going to the hospital.
He got up off the floor, sat on the sofa some .. and we visited there .. him no longer complaining of acute grinding horrible excruciating pain. Him opting if asked .. "do you want to go to the hospital?".... "no I want to just wait and see my doc tomorrow, but man if that happens again . I guess I gotta go .. to the hospital .. let's just see".
So in a little we started out for our home . him driving his work truck . which is where he'd been previous to this episode.
Me following in my own auto.
I noticed he was practically laying down to drive . .leaning way over . someone from behind would be questioning who is driving that truck ..
Must be someone real short . cause it looks like, from behind the person in the middle is the only one in the truck .. there was no person in the middle, it was just DH leaning way over .. but driving his own truck.
I called him from my cell: "Are you laying down to the side?, .. are you hurting?".
DH: "Yea it hurts if I sit up".
Me: "But you were just sitting up on the sofa at DD's .. it hurts to sit up to drive?".
DH: "yea .. it feels better if I lean over .. sitting straight up makes my gutt hurt . makes my bottom feel more pressure".
SIGH
We got home ...
He went and got in bed (that is unusual for him).
I went to check on him a few times and he was just complaining that it feels better to lay down .. no acute pain or anything . at that point it was just a wait til tomorrow's doc appt.
Until ...
I was sitting outside talking with YD who'd just come in from work . and he called me on my cell phone .. him in the house, in bed .. me outside in our screen room.
DH: "Can you come back here, I'm not doing well".
Back of the house I went. Found him laying on our bedroom floor .. writhing in pain . ..
"that pain is back . it hurts so bad .. man oh man .. man this hurts".
Me: "Where does it hurt?".
Him showing me . lower left side of his belly . down into his pelvic area
Barely able to communicate with him . he was in such pain.
Me: "Do I need to call 911 . can you get up and get in the car, for me to take you to the hospital?".
Feeling him for fever .. no fever that I could discern.
No, . he can't .. not right this minute give it a minute he said.
In a few I guess he felt better enough he could get up off the floor . as he described it . he'd gone into the bathroom to try to eliminate .. as he feels this constant sensation of needing to anyway . but when trying to do so .. that's when that God awful pain hit again .. and .. he began puking .. it hurt so bad . causing nausea . and he threw up .. and .. I guess didn't have it in him to even get from the bathroom to our bed . which is only .. maybe 20 steps away. Thus, in the floor writhing in pain.
So off we went to the ER . Thursday evening.
There is where they did the lab work .. the urinalysis . .. in fact, . had to do a kidney function test, . as they were intent to do a CT with contrast and would need to make sure his kidneys were okay before doing a contrast CT.
They did the CT . ..
Nothing. The only thing found was a mildly enlarged prostate . which he'd been aware of from prior physical but .. having no symptoms was deemed no need for tx of that issue. Considered to be normal as men age.
That was the ONLY thing of note. No infection, no inflammation . no blockage of stool or impacted .. nothing.
By then, this intermittent pain that hits him had subsided. And so off we went to go home. Doc in ER rx'd some pain meds in case it hits him again, as well as some nausea med, and something to shrink the mildly enlarged prostate . .but said that shouldn't be causing this acute pain he describes. Just recommended that he continue with high fiber diet . drink lots of liquid .. and take the pain pill if the pain gets intense again .. as well as the nausea med if needed. Sent us home.
Friday AM came . and he already had an appt that I'd set with the PCP . so we kept that appt, went to see his primary care doc.
We'd been to the hospital affiliated with the network this PCP works in . so the PCP was able to access the records generated from the previous night's visit to the ER .. and as was said in the ER . there was nothing of any significance ..
The PCP .. just advised pretty much as the ER doc had done . along with maybe some . what I'd term (which I've tried to do too, not much luck on my part) .. smoothing of .. nerves .. "it's okay .. you have had BM's . it's not like you haven't had one in two weeks . you'd be really really sick if that was the case . so . relax .. don't get so keyed up . .
relax .. Miralax every morning . have you some fruit in your high fiber cereal .. drink lots and lots of water .. we'll work on for now . every other day .. let's get to that point . and you'll feel better .. ".
So .. we left the PCP .. came home . he left to go on about his day me with mine.
And as stated before, .. we ended up A-G-A-I-N . in the ER Friday night . same issues . acute horrible, excruciating stomach pains .. cramps .. left side, lower towards pelvic area ..
It's a little hard for me to comprehend .. but I guess some might point the finger at me with a "lucky you, that you've never weathered such".
I have to agree on that point.
At the risk of TMI .. there is no clock set as to my constitution. Things just happen or they don't .. and it's not like the clock is set.
DH not so. The man . you could set a clock by his. He has his morning coffee and then his morning dump . and his day begins.
That has been upended.
We went to IL .. and came back and that whole applecart got upended and hasn't been the same since.
On the one hand you feel like smacking him in the head . and saying to him .. "for GOD's sake . maybe your constitution is changing as you age .. just because you could always set a damn clock by your need to eliminate . maybe that isn't gonna be the case now .. as you get older .. just relax . for crying out loud".
I did tell him that I feel like he's become a crazy person obsessed with poop'ing . I feel like I'm in One Flew over the Cookoo's nest .. and him walking in circles .. "I can't chit, I can't chit".
Was interesting talking to SIL who . little did I know . has had her own trip to the ER with her husband who has developed some .. pretty severe pain .. left lower .. in the groin kinda in the hip area . severe enough he can't get comfortable . can't rest . etc.
The dx there .. though unsure . and they are to follow up with an ortho doc . and that's to come .. some possible ligament issue . unsure. But he is still suffering from that .. in his lower left hip/groin area . so much so that they have rx'd some strong pain meds and appt set for him to see ortho doc.
As SIL put it: "I don't know .. I think it's just men . they just don't deal with pain .. or if they have pain it becomes their sole focus .. I know you must be ready to knock H in the damn head, I know I am with B . ready to knock him in the damn head . at some times he seems okay and then other times he's in all this horrible pain ... I just think .. ya know . I was down there in FL . and something went wrong with my hip and I had to borrow one of mom's cane's but I had to just keep going .. that's all I could do .. us women we have so many hats we wear . we just don't stop . .we have to keep going . I think men's brains must be wired differently . they are in pain and it becomes their whole focus . they can't focus on anything else".
On the one hand .. I'd like to just knock DH in the head .. "damn chill out already!".
But I can't . not when he's writhing in the floor in pain that renders him pretty much unable to even talk effectively.
The only thing has been that pain .. it hasn't happened again . not yesterday .. no more of that. Does still feel the sensation he needs to eliminate . and attempts to do so produce .. not what he would call productive results, if at all. But at least that horrible pain he was having .. at least that has lifted .. as of yesterday anyway.
For all I know he could come in here any minute from work, laying in the floor writhing again in pain .... I don't know.
Called PCP's office this morning and they are to be working on a referral to a GI doc for consult for colonoscopy.
He doesn't expect to be seen by MD .. other than just the usual .. barring any issues of course, and so I have been relieved of said duty for the time being.
I did talk to DH this morning . and at that point . he reported to have stopped at a handy store . for a alleviating himself episode . which again .. as always .. "wasn't all that productive" (If I keep hearing that I'm gonna scream). He was feeling, his words, "I'm doing okay".
I talked to SIL later . about mid-day . about something else . and she reported to having talked to DH herself .. and that he said to her, as to his well being: "Well I'm working my azz off . so .. maybe it'll work up a good chit for me". His words.
Mine started out with some really painful stomach cramps .. really bad .. I thought something is really really wrong w/me. This a day or so after we got back .. bad bad stomach cramps .. but midsection not lower. Didn't take long .. I knew by that night . yep stomach bug .. vomiting commencing. Next day . the trots back and forth to the bathroom .. and then all better by next nightfall.
I would say maybe a stomach bug that in some way .. reverse effect .. in him.
But it's been too long. So I don't think that's the case.
Kidney stones was my second guess.
Wishing you both luck. My DH is a rock with pain. If he was lying on the floor in agony, practically crying, I would be raining holy hell down on the doctors until they found out what was wrong. He has had broken bones, punctured a lung and pulled something out of joint, all at the SAME time, and still held it together. Sweating and white as a sheet, but not writhing in agony. So if he was, I would be unbelievably worried.
Dorker, I hope they figure out what is wrong soon! Or he has the mother of all BMs and the pain goes away. Your poor hubby!!!
Those horrible cramping episodes . hasn't had one of those now for a couple of days. Hope that's gone for good.
Still feels .. (my term not his) .. a malaise in his belly . .and feels a sensation like the mother load needs to be let lose. But .. not much happening there. I'm sure CNN will have it as Breaking News if it happens!
Next time he has this issue--take him to a DIFFERENT ER and do no take him home until they fix him. Sometimes we have to be actually mean to get what what we need.
Left side pain--more likely a hot pancreas, the appendix is on the right. Although gut pain is random and all over.
Uh--they cannot do a colonoscopy unless he's 'cleaned out' and if all the stuff he's taken hasn't caused a clean gut, I don't know what they'll do.
My DH has been flat out in bed now for the 5th straight day. He golfed 27 holes with SIL on Friday and didn't stretch out first (of course not! He's a MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!) and I have been dealing with the first week post chemo and I have been sick sick sick....and he is the one in bed. The moaning is unbearable. He said he would go to work, but it's 1 pm and he's not going anywhere.
I refused to cook for him, but I have done the laundry, cleaned, ironed, vaccumed, done yard work and cursed his name. He will just lay in bed for another day or two....luckily I have a therapist appt in a couple hours and I will blow off some steam.
The PROBLEM with people to whom every single health issue is a 10, is that when it actually IS a 10, you don't take them seriously.
Hang in there, Dorker. You cannot ignore this since it really could be something, but I know, wow, do I know, how awful hauling a 'sick hubby' into the ER every day for a week can be.
I just forced DH to take a pain pill. If he won't go to work, he may as well go to sleep and not bother me all day.
He actually just said to me "But, I am so much sicker than you are. You don't get it."
Cancer. Pulled back muscles. Cancer. Pulled back muscles. You do the math. Just b/c I am not staying in bed doesn't mean I FEEL good. Quite the opposite.
SMH. I really feel for you today.
Shame on your DH for being so insensitive.
My heart goes out to you as you weather being so sick .. and having to grapple with his issues.
As for here .. things aren't *as bad* as they have been in that, the God awful stomach cramps that sent him to the floor periodically .. have ceased .. (so far). Haven't seen those since Saturday. Thank the heavens above!
He says he is able to void *some* ... and is grateful for that! Still complains it's not as "productive" as he'd like. I don't know, I don't go inspect . no thanks.
Still waiting for doc to send along a referral for colonoscopy. If he were still seizing up in the floor in agony you better believe I'd be stomping up and down to get some attention to the matter. But he isn't .. so far .. that seems to have stopped.
Some (what I take as good news) on the MIL front.
The story goes, . the other night .. as MIL tells it .. *it was in the middle of the night* (that very well could mean 8 PM for all we know) ... chatty cathy hollering out with a problem .. none other than the same issue that DH has fought the last couple of weeks. Constipation. Chatty Cathy laying in bed .. hollering . .in pain.
I don't know if chatty cathy pushed the button for help . but MIl claims she did and no one was coming .. (but again, we take what MIL says with a grain of salt .. did she push the button . .who knows). But no one coming to aid chatty cathy.
So MIL got into her wheelchair on her own . wheeled herself down the hall to J (the lady that planned the bday party for chatty cathy a week or so ago . .and MIL helped fund it) .. wheeled herself down to J (who is mobile, able to get around) .. and had J come to see about chatty cathy, . .
I don't know what J did to resolve an of it, . in the end .. staff did come and administer a laxative .. and so forth and chatty cathy fixed up good as new in a while.
But . (somewhat) good news there in that .. MIL has obviously made a connection there .. w/chatty cathy obviously .. but also with J.
Not sure why she didn't wheel herself to the nurse desk if she was able to wheel herself period . why not go seek out medical help rather than another resident. But whatever. At least she has made some connections there at Purgatory.
She is seeing more socialization than she's had in years. She is .. as reported by the recreation director . wheeling herself out daily to the commons area and attempts there to strike up conversation with the "slumpers" that sit out in the commons area. Sometimes no success as some of them may be so far gone .. they aren't communicating. But she at least attempts .. deeming herself the *savior* that reaches out to the unreachable. Good . .whatever helps.
She goes weekly to the hair salon to get her hair shampoo'd and set ..so that isn't dependent upon what DD can wrangle out of her already too busy life to get that put together for MIL.
So there is improvement.
Dorker - My DH had similar symptoms as far as feeling constipated, and awful abdominal pain, when he really was not constipated by the definition of the word. Meaning, he usually went daily, or skipped only a day at most. He also had back and flank pain. Always complained of back pain from mid-back down. But the doctors never really took his symptoms very seriously. He did have a kidney scan which showed nothing, they said. He was prescribed various mild pain relievers, and colace I believe.
Then his Abdominal Aortic Aneurysm ruptured at home. It had apparently been growing in there for quite a while and had reached 10cm when it burst. This seems to be something that doctors often miss, for some reason, although AAA's are not that rare. A simple test (ultrasound) could have shown it was there. Just something that I always consider now with men when they feel they are constipated, since it was really traumatic for both of us, and so deadly. My husband sent me out to the drugstore to get him an enema when he was curled up on the toilet, then the floor. Shortly after I got home with the enema, his eyes rolled back, he passed out, and I called 911.
Midkid - I wish we could be there with you. My husband is a lot like yours. Not real supportive and his complaints have always topped mine, no matter what. It's really hard not to be resentful, but living in resentment isn't good for our own well-being either. Hard place to be, and so hard to understand why some spouses just do not see clearly. HUGS
Yes, It's good that MIL does seem to be acclimating some to her new setting, finally.
There doesn't appear to be anything on the radar at present as to moving her to "We are Family" or some other setting. Maybe that's been shelved for now, but I don't really know.
I probably should do some self examination as to whether I want to resume going to visit her. I had pulled way way way back from doing so. On purpose.
Oh I go, with DH at times, when he goes. But what I had envisioned at one point in this whole saga . of my going, .. maybe stopping off to pick up some of her favorite chicken salad to bring to her, or a favorite burger joint of her's .. bring her a burger .. or some soup from another favorite place, .. bring her flowers .. that kinda thing. It never came to fruition at my visiting her alone.
This is because . when she was placed there, . the whole visit saga .. it was wrought with drama that I just couldn't stomach for very long . I just couldn't.
My feeling (anger perhaps) . was one of .. "lady you had far longer living alone in your own home . with all of us jumping (mostly me) like trained circus dogs .. to your whims .. get over yourself and all your whining and complaining".
Not right .. and maybe I should've struggled to find more empathy for her plight, but I just couldn't, at the time. I'd found that I'd said all that could be said . time and time again . in visiting her .. lather/rinse/repeat .. as to the whole thing . and I just couldn't keep doing it .. and be nice. So I pulled way way back . and the only times I've gone to see her is occasionally accompanying DH .. but not on my own.
I found it interesting over-hearing her on the phone with DH the other day and her telling that they'd yet again carted someone outta there .. deceased.
There was a time in all of this saga . that was a shocking revelation to her . one that didn't sit well with her, . to be in a place where people die and are carted outta there . and one that she didn't settle with easily and seemed to drag her into the doldrums, deeper than was her normal.
The other day she'd mentioned to DH that someone else had died, didn't know who . but as she put it, .. "ya know, when someone dies here, they come around and close all our doors and make us stay in our rooms . and you see a hearse pulled up outside, . they cart the person outta here, then life goes on ... ya know, .. they die around here, . it happens ... I guess .. I've just gotten used to it".
That too .. a real epiphany .. the fact it seemed to be more *fact of life* than was previously how she'd of handled that whole scenario playing out.
It still makes DH terribly sad .. I guess the premise that she didn't get to live out her days and die in her home, as would've been her wish. That she has to spend her waning days in a setting of a SNF. It makes him terribly sad, even still.
I don't see it that way .. I see it from the prism she is in a setting where . yea she'd prefer to be home . but the reality is .. she cannot be . unless she were independently wealthy and could afford round-the-clock care (she isn't) .. and would be amiable to such .. and she isn't .. never has been .. as to people coming and going .. and so . .she is in a setting where nutrition is seen to, medications .. medical issues .. socialization .. somewhat ... and hygiene. I see it as necessary and it doesn't sadden me, not at all.
I know the other morning .. DH and I were noting that our microwave seems to be not doing it's job sufficiently these days and talk of a new one . and I said out loud, .. "oh well maybe when we clean out your mom's home . if nobody else wants it, I'll take her microwave".
That .. in him, . .brought about sadness . that's her home, .. where she'd want to be .. .her things .. where she'd like to be. Not me, it just doesn't.
I have an appt with the cancer center's SW next week. I may need to see her weekly until my chemo is done--and then some. It will take a couple of months to get back to 'normal'. I have zero hope that he will 'get it' and step up to the plate.
I had SO HOPED he's change a little--just be a tad more thoughtful and kind, but he is who he is and that's life. He still doesn't think my cancer dx was 'right'.
Sad thing, really, is that this is a chance for him to step up and be the man I know he CAN be, but won't. We go through trials and wonder 'why? what am I supposed to take away from this?' and often it's..nothing. That life just sucks sometimes and the people who are there for you are the champions and the ones who can't/won't just can't/won't.
He leaves for a weeklong trip on Sunday, once again being out of town for our anniversary and I am glad. It's a JOKE to celebrate something you aren't feeling great about. We'll take this year off and see if when I am healed and can do all the things (and go back to work! I have a PT job lined up for Jan1st!!) I will feel less like slapping him into next week.
Dorker---my heart just aches for you. Having done MULTIPLE ER runs in a few weeks' time for DH and having no answers nor results has made me insane at times. My DH does not take care of himself and---actually ate 6 pieces of chocolate cake that I had set out for a NEIGHBOR and said "well, if you didn't want me to eat them why did you leave them where I could find them?" Um, cause you're 67 and you should be able to control how many carbs you pack into your gut. Oh--I know, the cake was too warm to cover, so I was letting it cool. I just had to sigh and walk away. You cannot change anyone. Only yourself. I'm 63 and still working on myself.
Let me leave this with you, 'cause I do feel like I bash poor clueless DH so much: He is one of the hardest workers you will ever see. 60 hrs a week---when he works. Travels 75% of the time. Is exceedingly generous with money and trusts me implicitly to handle the family finances. Doesn't say 'no, you can't do that'---his blind spots are ALL emotional based. Loves our kids and grandkids with a grand passion. All I ever asked of him was to step up maybe 10% in the 'emotional care' department. I feel that I will quit expecting him to do so. If he cannot support me through cancer, there's no hope.
I'm glad for you that MIL had a moment of thoughtfulness. I doubt it signals that she's going to 'get well' but if she can just manage her own life in the NH, That would be huge!!
I just wasn't able to muster up the ability to hear it all, anymore. I did, .. for a bit, but after a while, the same broken record ... I couldn't continue to go there and listen to it all the time, so I didn't.
Just read about the site in a news story relating to someone with cancer. Sorry if this is redundant but if not it seemed like a worthy site.
Except for his GI issues, things are going pretty well, yes? MIL is actually socializing at Purgatory! And your father is taking care of his own chemo transportation needs without involving you - yay (even if it would be far better if the caregiver was driving him and not your stepmother)!
My dad .. things seem stable on that end . though I have not been present and on site to view for myself. I do talk to him a few times a week . .and he reports all is well there, other than the chronic fatigue brought about by the chemo .. and him too, reporting some issues with GI and BM's .. other than that, .. nothing of any significance as to fall out . .from the chemo .. not yet anyway.
I would feel better if he'd allow that the c'giver do the driving . but I've spoken my piece on that topic more than once . and .. he .. of sound mind .. can do as he pleases ... I don't intend to get in and spin whirligigs and command the scene to that degree. I know that stepmom drives now .. some .. to the grocery . which is essentially in walking distance for the most part .. and the pharmacy . .that kinda thing. Whether she should or shouldn't be driving (I would debate she should not be) is not in my realm of taking over, and so I don't.
And yes I am very relieved that it seems MIL is *engaging* more in her present setting. She is seeing more interaction in that setting than has been the case for Y.E.A.R.S, her living alone and so isolated (at her own doing).
I know yesterday I got a little annoyed. A group text appeared on my phone .. to me and to DH. DH at work at that hour . and since I know he is WAY less than responsive to such things .. it annoyed me, that I'd been grouped into it .. if you want his attention to a matter . best not to text him .. he likely won't see it, or if he does . less likely he'll even respond . I guess he thinks SIL and anyone else who texts is a mind reader and knows he got it . and will address whatever "it" happens to be, by osmosis .. he certainly doesn't respond.
Group text read as follows: "When one of you are going to see mom ... make sure you get a check to the front desk for her to have on account there, some funds. Was talking to her, and she needs to, on Monday, when she goes to the hair salon . she needs hair color, trim, shampoo and set . and so she needs $ in her account .. so if one of you are going that way . .make sure to visit the front desk so that $ can be dropped into her account to pay for it".
(preface the above by the fact, this cannot be done online ..Purgatory apologizes .. but they aren't set up for such, that's already been approached and no it's not possible, one has to hand carry the funds and give it to the appropriate personnel to put in the appropriate account)
Bear in mind .. a group text had come the other day .. asking the same thing essentially without the urgency of "she has an appt on Monday for hair services" .. it was just .. "need to drop more $ into her personal account there".
That too, DH was at work ... I answered, .. "I'll remind him". Left it at that.
Then yesterday that text shows up ....
It annoyed me.
DH did . the night before, .. get a check . and put it into his wallet .. so that .. when he gets to Purgatory he can see the appropriate personnel and handle the matter . whenever that is.
Did he communicate that w/his sister? "Hey sister I know you asked earlier today about getting some $ into mom's personal account at Purgatory .. I'm on it, I'll get it handled".
Not to my knowledge no, he didn't (typical).
I did see him get a check and put it in his wallet, so yes, it is on his radar and it will be handled, when he next goes there .. undetermined when that will be, but it's on his radar.
Then that text arrived yesterday from SIL ..
It annoyed me.
She asked it the other day . and I texted back "I'll remind him".
That should've sufficed IMO.
But yet again, another reminder.
But you have to remember .. she also was hounding over the weekend. There seems to be some kerfuffle ongoing as to MIL's lotions/potions .. and MIA.
Because MIL has Sjogren's . she is so prone for dry skin .. drier than dry. As such, .. SIL made sure before she left here, that MIL had her "special" shampoo and cream rinse, . her "special" bars of soap (3 or 4 of them in fact) for bathing . her "special" lotion ..
All OTC stuff, but more expensive than just your basic soaps and such.
MIL complaining to her daughter these days apparently . that her skin is so dry .. and that she can't find her shampoo/cream rinse, lotion, bar soaps .. .so forth. She doesn't know what's being used there to wash her . or her hair .. or so forth . .but her skin is so dry. SIL prompting her .. "where's your special soaps that I bought you .. I even put it in one of those foldable plastic boxes .. can you not find that?, . your shampoo and cream rinse .. where is it?, your lotion". MIL doesn't know.
Seems to be the kerfuffle of the moment.
This was over the weekend, when a group text arrived ... and DH happened to, at that moment, be on site at Purgatory visiting his mom (but see above, he isn't all that responsive, if at all, to texts).
So .. a group text over the weekend: "When one of you are going to visit mom .. can you investigate and see if you can locate her special bar soaps .. I bought her several before I left town . and some of her shampoo and cream rinse . and her lotions . she complains her skin is so so dry .. and she has that Sjogrens so is prone for dry skin . so she needs all her special shampoos and such .. and she says she can't find any of it .. I hope nobody lifted it .. can one of you look when you next go there?".
She happened to send this specific text at a time that I knew DH was there on site, visiting his mom. Because I know he is prone to not respond to texts .. I texted her back .. "he is visiting your mom as we speak .. since he doesn't check his texts . maybe call him . .or call her room and ask to speak to him".
My guess .. he was indeed checking his texts and he did chime in, in a little bit .. from on site at Purgatory with "I'll look for it".
I never heard anything more .. as to whether any of it was located or not. So I asked DH and he said he didn't find anything but her lotion .. but I don't know if he'd know, since this is all "special" shampoo and soaps and such . if it fell over and hit him on the foot .. I don't know that he'd know what he was looking for.
I know later I heard him talking to SIL on the phone . and the supposition at this point is that someone lifted her special shampoos and cream rinse, and bar soaps .. they're all gone .. either that or he just didn't know where to look, didn't look all that hard . didn't know what he was looking for, who knows.
I stayed out of it, since I'm not one that goes there, tasked with whatever the latest whirligig need is.
But then yesterday to have gotten the text about the $'s that need to be dropped into the account .. a group text.
It annoyed me. Maybe I was just in a foul mood .. I don't know.
But last week DH had me be a part of a care team meeting that brought to the forefront the need for toilet adjustment . and so that got put on the radar (supposedly) for them to be
For Purgatory to be addressing .. also . it was brought to light . there is some cognitive impairment they suggested be looked into via screening .. and that got brought to the table for attention.
This last week in the care plan meeting DH wanted me a part of .. and sorting thru and asking appropriate questions, etc.
So yesterday when that text arrived about dropping $'s .. into the personal account there, . this after the weekend of texts on the lotions/potions issue . and it just hit me wrong. Like I said, maybe I was in a foul mood. But it just struck me as .. "ya know . you guys wanted me a part of a care team meeting last week . .and at that meeting points A and B were drawn out and discussed .. and Purgatory to be addressing those .. what's happened there . .any follow through there on those issues, or are we gonna worry more here with whether her hair gets colored and set . and whether her lotions and potions are missing .. ".
It just annoyed me, really did. I was kinda of the mindset .. geeze folks . why don't you follow through . if you're gonna be FINDING things to worry with .. as to this whole saga . FOLLOW FRICKIN THRU ON WHAT WAS ALREADY tabled for the radar . any answers there?!?!!?!
So I weighed in, as follows: "DH has a check in his wallet, to give to Purgatory when he next goes there. Speaking of . what has been done as to the toileting situation discussed in last week's care plan meeting .. anything ..???... what's been done to get that cognitive eval on the table and addressed .. anything ..??...".
(My underhanded, passive/aggressive way I guess of saying .. go fry your own damn fish . .and don't worry about mine)
DH didn't weigh in (of course). SIL only responded, . "that's a good question . I haven't heard anything about any of it, I'll check w/them .. mom hasn't said anything more about the toilet .. I don't guess it's been fixed or she would've mentioned it I suppose . yea they were supposed to be seeing what they could provide as to a more sturdy apparatus .. for the toilet .. I haven't heard anything, I'll ask them".
So yes .. indeed .. MIL is more .. acclimating .. I do believe in engaging there with onsite slumpers and else-wise, which is all splendid news.
But SIL is still spinning mightily .. with trying to right the course of the universe for her mom.
This has become some kinda big issue ... with regard to the "special" soaps/lotions/potions and MIL.
Apparently, the 4 (count em, 4 of em) bars of soap .. "special" soap .. that SIL bought for MIL's use exclusively before departing back in May, they are gone. G.O.N.E.
As we know, MIL hasn't been one to routinely bathe .. and never have zeroed in sufficiently on that whole piece .. so we know she didn't somehow use up 4 bars of this expensive "special" soap . between May and now. They are just g.on.e.
SIL even bought one of those plastic travel soap containers, like you'd use if you were camping and needed to carry your own bar of soap to the showers. That too is g.o.n.e.
One can only conclude, really .. the items were "lifted" (theft) from her room. Why? Why does someone find bars of soap of any value.
As it turns out, .. they are kinda valuable in that they are expensive .. OTC yes, .. but expensive "special" dermotologically approved bar soaps, that are now gone.
Opening up a bar of Ivory bar soap .. not an option in her case. She has Sjogren's which in her, causes extremely dry skin . and dermo doc recommended long ago that she use "x" soap from off the counter, expensive .. but yes .. use that rather than just your name brand off the counter store bought soap. She's done so for years, in her own home.
Now, at Purgatory .. the soaps . they are gone.
Who took them? Why? Might as well go down a useless maze to try to figure that one out. Pointless.
So, in the end, .. it has to be replaced. So fine, go to the store, go buy more of these expensive bar soaps . and have them at her disposal there .. and another replacement plastic soap container thingy.
Now, if if were me, and I know these things have a tendency to walk away, I'd go buy myself a little storage box . .and put a little lock on it, . one with a small key . or a combination lock . .and wahlaa .. solved . now walk away with my soap.
But we know her mind isn't all that sharp ..
Give her some kinda box and a lock on it, ..
A) She wouldn't remember what the combination is . to any lock put on it, .. so write it down on a piece of paper and store it for her to retrieve when she needs it. She wouldn't remember where the little piece of paper is stored to retrieve even that.
B) Same with a little key lock you might put on it, . she wouldn't be able to keep up with the key that unlocks the little lock .. and remember where it is.
So what have others done in this instance.
Maybe others' LO's .. aren't as high maintenance that they need "special" soaps . or whatever.
Just curious . has anyone else encountered this kinda thing and what was done to resolve it?
And in case anyone wonders .. her shower/bathroom is in her room . it's not like she has to travel down the hall to a community shower . and might've accidentally left her things there and someone else helped themselves to her things. She is showered/bathed, in a bathroom that is in her room.