I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Plus, there are likely resident "wanderers" with magpie tendencies around.
Or, could be the bar was taken with MIL to the bathroom, got left on the shower floor and was then thrown away.
Endless possibilities, really.
Does this brand come in any other less portable formats? For example, it's a heck of lot harder to walk off with a 1 litre dispenser of a liquid formula, if there is one.
No argument ensued, .. the woman just willingly gave the hairbrush back, end of story.
It's frustrating .. kinda like dealing with a kid, who isn't bringing home their assigned tasks from school .. and you ask, .. "well did you have it when you were at school?, .. why didn't you bring it home so we could work on it?".
Same thing .. you wanna ask MIL .. "well obviously your are now suffering from severely dry skin from having them use the soap on you there, on site .. that they use .. when did it not occur to you . hey wait a second .. I have my own soap . why aren't you using my soap . .this stuff isn't good for my skin .. when was the last time you remember seeing your special soap?".
Pointless. She has about enough capacity to answer to that .. as an irresponsible school kid.
The end game though is this.... yes, . run to Walgreens go buy a stock pile of it, . store it here .. and give her a bar of her special soap to have on hand. It grows legs and walks away .. okay . bring another one .. and on and on ..
I mean how do you prevent this from happening?
One thing if it's your dollar store name brand soaps .. and you have to keep replacing it. Another thing altogether if it's this expensive stuff.
No, it doesn't come in anything but a bar soap choice, . .and it's like just over $6 per bar.
Not all that costly .. but it is if it's gonna grow legs weekly and walk off.
I'm being ridiculous, but do any of you remember when soap on a rope was a thing? It was marketed for men, I do not know why, are they more likely to lose soap?? I gave my Sons in Law a bar for Christmas as a gag gift and they thought them hilarious. One SIL said "Geez, mom, it's not like I'm in prison and I'm gonna get shanked for my SOAP".
It's not in the least practical--it gets wet, and if you hang it up, the 'rope' is usually useless within days and you have...chunks of soap.
As 'silly' as this is, it IS highly annoying. If her soap is used only in the shower and then left there, it's highly likely that it's being pilfered for no other reason that someone likes to lift things that aren't there. Of course you've talked to the DON and she probably just shrugs her shoulders.
My Dh has started having very dry skin (partly due to thyroid issues and partly to the fact he will soak in the tub for 3-4 hours at a time and his skin is getting older).
I bought him body wash....if he lived in an ALF I'd write his name all over the dang things. The body washes are much softer on the skin. And much more noticeable than a bar of soap than can be slipped into a pocket and walked away with...it might help.
Find out what ingredients are no-no for MIL's Sjogren's and avoid those. If you can dial down on the no-no ingredients, you can probably find a nice body wash (smaller the bottle the better, b/c these too are going to go walkabout!) and stock up.
Isn't it weird that the BIG stuff, we kind of just handle, but these 'small issues' just drives us insane??
I think a lot of missing items are picked up by other residents who wander into the room. Even my mother's *wheelchair* was taken by another resident. Luckily I had placed labels in various places which enabled a CNA to identify it.
The best deterrent I ever saw was what one family had fashioned for their mother (in a private room.) They installed a strip of some material that spanned the open door with a miniature (maybe 6 inch) red stop sign in the center. I was on a tour at the time and didn't get a close look, but got the impression it could be easily opened by staff and the room's occupant, but would deter wandering residents.
It is really hard in these facilities to keep track. I often have to check on my mother's clothes. She is at the point of not remembering just what she has. If I notice a specific piece missing I mention it and she goes on a tirade which usually locates the item but it is generally in laundry. Since MIL leaves her room so little it is hard to imagine others wandering in. I am sorry for what is such an unnecessary problem to deal with.
All of it is gone. Nowhere to be found, grew legs and walked off.
I was out and about yesterday and stopped by Walgreens, got the one and only bar they had in stock. Ordered some from Amazon. The latter will be in, in about a week.
Posed the following question: "And if these grow legs and walk off?".
Response, . .deer in the headlight look ...
Am I seriously the only one that sees the peril, these too may grow legs and walk off also.
I mean, . are we gonna be buying .. week after week, after week . more of this special bar soap.
And I did find it, in a small squeeze bottle, liquid form .. gel, I think it was an 8 oz liquid/gel type. But . that too, would be easy to walk away with, too small.
Wish it came in a big industrial size, with a pump on it, . that'd be harder to walk away with.
Isn't using bar soap more difficult than using a liquid? The best solution would be to find a way to keep the liquid version secure.
My mother had me bring in her special shampoo, soap and hair mousse to the nursing home. She wanted it put away (not in the bathroom) so that it wasn't stolen. What happened, of course, was when she was in the bathroom she completely forgot about it, and the staff used the stock shampoo/body wash solution on her. She didn't have the special needs that your MIL has, though.
We were charged for it, of course (along with her toothbrushes, toothpaste, etc. which she had her own stock of). No matter for us, really, though, as the supplied things were so cheap (she was private pay, never would qualify for Medicaid), with the exception of one item.
Incontinence briefs. Like your MIL, my mother took care of her own toileting needs, but had to be helped to the bathroom. She sometimes (often?) had a wait, also (and many times I suspect she hadn't even pushed the call button enough to activate it). The NH-supplied briefs were very pricey, and so I bought much cheaper ones from BJ's.
Mil's children need to care about it enough to investigate the logistics of who is giving showers, what instructions have been written in her care plan (hint: doc needs to write that she must be showered with this particular kind of soap, otherwise it's just crazy sil's preference.)
It's lovely of you to buy her some soap. It's a great excuse to drop by for a visit, just 30 minutes to chat. No drama.
FWIW, my mother's toiletries never disappeared at her NH. It would not have been tolerated. And yes, they took Medicaid.
Buy something YOU'D use, empty the big container in smaller ones and fill the big one with MIL's special soap. Label it with her picture on it or something so that it's VERY noticeably not any one else's. You can find waterproof plastic laminate.
That thing goes walkabout and you'd be able to find it pretty quickly. I assume MIL is not soaping up her own washcloths and washing herself she needs help, right? After showers the soap is returned to a secure location, Maybe snuggled up next to MIL in bed.
And her words: "Ya know, these are people from all walks of life and they have stories to tell".
Hooray! Tried to tell ya that. But okay.
I only said in response; "Well and you have the gift of gab for sure, . why not use that gift to draw out and have conversation with some folks who might not otherwise get that opportunity . that's great!".
She talked of the fact she has become more reconciled to her circumstance there, .. reflecting back on .. "ya know I was quite content when I lived at home alone .. I was happy there .. or I thought I was .. I've had a lot of time to reflect back on that time in my life . and I always thought of it as a contented place, and I was fine there, but you know, that was no life . it really wasn't .. it just was no life to be living there alone all the time".
Me: Yes, and think of what a relief it is now that you don't have that responsibility any longer . your dog getting you up 2 and 3 x's nightly and the house and things that go wrong .. and having to look after that, . .and ya know . it's nice that your son and daughter don't have to stay so worried about you falling and getting sick all the time".
Her: "That's right .. I've had a lot of time to have thoughts to myself on it all, and I realize . now I realize . that was not a good situation in the end .. I thought it was at the time .. I was happy there, I thought I was . but it really wasn't good . just me and my dog".
Me: "It was very isolating . that's for certain .. you are seeing far more socializing here than you've seen in years".
Her: "That's right and some of these people are interesting if you just take the time to talk to them, they have interesting stories".
HOORAY HOORAY HOORAY.
Still have the dust ups with baths/showering. Saturday her day to be bathed .. SIL doesn't call until afternoon . as she is to be bathed on the afternoon shift. She'd been struggling to reach anyone (I know all this because YD had gone to see MIL and been caught in the maelstrom of the whole showering debacle) .. and so SIL had been struggling . calling Purgatory to get staff on the line, as reminder "bathe my mom, it's her day to be bathed". Couldn't get anyone to even answer the phone. Finally she did . and she was assured that her mom had already been bathed that morning.
She'd already talked to her mom on the phone that morning and her mom hadn't mentioned being bathed . and so she called her mom "Mom they say you had a bath this morning, did you?".
No, was the answer.
SIL now .. a call into YD .. who was sitting there, to direct her onto the whole debacle . and another call to the DON .. "why are they lying . my mother didn't get a bath and so and so told me they bathed her this morning, they didn't". DON promised he'd get to the bottom of it. Did so, and she got bathed later in the day.
Sheesh!! Why is it so complicated.
As to the soap .. YD took it on her Saturday visit . it and the little container for storing soap (bar soap).
And when DH and I visited yesterday I saw it sitting out on her counter . in her room and I put it away in her drawer, and told her 3 x's .. "I'm putting this in your drawer now .. I don't want it to grow legs and walk away .. I'm putting it away so nobody sees it and walks off with it".
Here's hoping it doesn't get taken .. and that she remembers where it was put.
Yes, how IS H doing?
I hope you continue to enjoy the relative lull in eldercare. MIL is doing well in Purgatory, and your father is handling his own cancer treatment. The little issues for MIL (soap theft) can be handled by SIL and/or H.
Yes, I am so relieved that MIL seems to be in a better space as to her setting and her lot in life, finally.
I hope it stays that way.
I too think she should probably be left where she is, at Purgatory .. rather than uprooting her, to a new setting/new people/new staff/new rules/new normal, etc.
Always upending for elder folks.
I wish they'd get the showering/bathing thing under wraps and finally worked out .. but .. out of my control.
What I do know about it, is that it's easy to say .. "oh just let her worry with it . if she needs a shower she'll speak up".
But she doesn't. Case in point, recently that got all this on the radar in a big way .. was the 14 days she'd been without bathing .. and the whole . who knows the riddle there .. they say they offer, she declines . she says they don't .. who knows. And her complaining to SIL at that time that her scalp was crawling .. her head so dirty . in need of washing .. but . it doesn't occur to her, "gee, let me tell them I need to bathe". Nope.
I wish that piece of it all could finally get fixed. But just this past Saturday .. YD there on site just to visit . and late afternoon SIL begins her drill .. the day for her to be bathed, calls to prompt staff who assure SIL .. "oh no she was bathed earlier today". She calls her mom and no . her mom says . no .. no one came . I haven't had a shower".
WTH?
It's awfully hard not to chalk it up to the fact they are liars there. Just flat out lie .. that it is easier to just lie . half of these people don't even know who they are or what day it is, we'll just lie about it .. the don't know. And that likely is status quo (how sad is that) .. and it works . that way they don't have to bother with bathing them.
It's awfully hard to see it any other way .. really. But . not my ax to grind and so I don't. I just stay out of it .. but I do hear about it, .. far too often.
Dorker, is hubby going back to the doctor any time soon?
It sounds like MIL is starting to acclimate and get settled in to purgatory! I say—visit on your terms! Just don’t get roped in by SIL! Heck I wouldn’t even tell SIL when you plan to visit or when you are visiting because the orders will start coming in!
Impact where a I live, will definitely be felt. How much? Unknown.
Looks like I cant leave as I vowed I'd do before riding another one out. My dad is not doing well weathering chemo treatments. Weak, malaise, joint aches, some nausea, loss of appetite.
Cant get his chemo tomorrow..white blood cell count too low. That happened another time previously also.
My dad is too sick for traveling to evacuate. I asked the doc about hospitalizing him. Answer, thats the last place we want him to be, if we can avoid it (germs). Sigh.
These damn hurricanes!
I may have to, if the thing begins to look more menacing locally..go get him and bring him here.
He has asked that I do so. Doesnt feel comfortable at home weathering such an event with his only support a wife with diminished brain function. C'giver's grown kids are making her hunker down with them in their home if it gets bad. She is single and I would guess maybe early 60's....strong/fit, energetic, but her kids want her with them if it gets bad so they wont have to worry about her. Understandable.
My dad does own a beast of a generator used in storms of the past (power loss) .. but he doesnt <didnt ever> have much mechanical inclination and struggled always with running it effectively.
His present state, he only ambulates on the walker for toileting (fell yesterday but wasnt seriously hurt). He doesnt stand a prayer of being able to man a generator these days.
Pray this thing somehow doesnt impact us here. I wish it would go away and not impact anyone. Not likely.
Why dont I go to his home so he doesnt have to leave and man his generator? I have zero skills at such. Zip, nadda. His has always been tempermental, even for him, and he .. while he's not real skilled mechanically .. is more skilled than I am. If the thing gave him fits when he was more ambulatory than he is now .. theres not a prayer I'd know what to do. And he is too weak/frail .. to stand and tutor me.
Why not me & DH go that way? Let DH who IS very skilled at such .. let him do it.
Well there is our household to concern one's self with & our own (not a beast as to enormity in size) generator to power our two fridges and one deep freeze full of food .. so it doesnt spoil in a power failure.
Stepsister offered to come transport him to her house (approximately 3 hours away) to hunker down and he declined as too weak to travel (and we dont know that her location might also be in the crosshairs... just dont know yet).
Stepmom, thus far says she is not leaving (she's out of her damn mind) .. says "oh we can be without power .. we'll be fine". I did remind her (pointless.. why bother) ... last time we were all without power for almost a week.. he cant withstand that".
Why bother... went right past her. She doesnt want to leave, doesnt think he needs to. But he makes clear to her thru weakened frail voice that if it looks bad for us .. he is leaving.. she can do what she wants.
Her daughter's take. "He is by far the more fragile and compromised .. if she wants to stay .. so be it damnit .. stay".
Why doesnt DH just go back and forth manning generators here and at their home?
If it gets bad enough, they close the roads .. no non essential personnel out and about .. not to mention the danger in flooded roads, downed power lines, downed trees and tree limbs blocking roads.
This is all such a huge nuisance.. to say the least.
At least MIL is in a site where she will be cared for with huge backup commercial generators and staff on site.
Wish my dad was in such a setting
Ya'll cross your fingers .. hope this massive behemoth of a storm stays away from here!
I so wish if you guys are going to take a hard hit that you all could get out.
You have been thru this before. You know the drill.
The only thing I can suggest if you stay, and to be clear I recommend you leave, but if you can get your hands one of them, another small generator, and the tiniest of window units (AC). The tiny window units run about $100-$150. I bought one after a storm in 2003 and stored it in the top of a closet. I pulled it out after Harvey and stuck it in a bedroom window. It wasn’t pretty but it kept the bedroom icy cold. The small generator had to be refueled about every four hours.
We used our generators sparingly because there was no power at the gas stations...no gas. After a 3-4 days they got the gas stations online so we felt comfortable using more of our fuel and we cranked that baby up. It was so wonderful!
Thinking of you and your family as this thing unfolds. Hoping for everyone’s safety.
Let us know the recommendations by your county authorities should that happen.
If you guys are threatened, let us know how you guys are and when you are safe.
Just reach out if you want any other suggestions on what might come in handy during a prolonged event.
Had to go out the other day to purchase a new generator ahead of the throngs of crowds doing likewise. The one I bought will power a few lights, fans .. tv when cable restores .. and the 2 fridges and freezer, at least jockeying some between them.
At this point though, at least for where I live, it is for one thing . bedlam (likely all over the state) as to stores .. and .. at least where I live, it looks to be lesser of a threat than the poor folks down in south FL .. they must be biting their nails.
I think, .. I'm just exhausted, .. emotionally maybe, .. pity party for me, for one, maybe. Who knows.
This time last year or thereabout, it was the whole drama/saga with MIL and getting her exited out of this state for hurricane season . and her whole malaise with that as any necessary notion and getting SIL on board to get the h377 here and get her mother. All the while MIL complaining/crying that she doesn't have to exit . she can weather storms, that this is gonna kill her, to have to leave her things . her home, .. so on and so forth and DH's sadness and malaise at his mom's poor plight.
Of course beyond that was .. the rest of the year . and the whole saga that continued. And then my dad with his cancer dx on that front, and that picture has become a little more bleak (not a surprise).
But I think, at least for me, for my own psyche ..
That last storm that we weathered . year before last . it was a nightmare and the thing wasn't even a direct hit here. I vowed that I'd never be here again, it scared me so bad.
Ahh but the Gods decided there is a different path for me.
Me being who I am, .. I don't feel comfortable heading for other parts, knowing the shape my dad's in and no support structure .. so I stay put. At this point, all I can do is hope it stays the course, of what they "think" (they don't know) it will do .. and that would have it land far south of here, . .which in the end, would mean a wholly less impact here for us locally. Hate to wish that on other folks .. and I don't .. but I don't want it here either.
BB and brother live about 1 1/2 hours south of me, near the coast and so any deviation that brings the thing closer to their region .. could have an enormous impact on them.
My other brother, . lives farther south .. way down the state on the SW coast of FL . and some projections have it crossing the state and back out into the Gulf of Mexico . .which would also have a huge impact on that brother.
So I don't want any of us, in the end, to have to weather it, but alas, these things are out of mine and anyone's else's control. One can only prepare, and hope for the best.
I am gonna suggest one more thing you might have, we did, but I never thought to use them. Noise cancelling earphones or just ear buds playing some music that come with some of our cell phones.
I just keep thinking about your Dad and how do very ill he is. My daughter has some anxieties issues and had we thought about the earbuds or headphones we had I think she would have held up better during the bad part of the storm. I think either would have helped her tremendously, endure the maddening, seemingly never ending, constant noise.
I will certainly do so, in the event we're without power and that (sounds like a damn lawn mower) generator running .. seems loud enough it's almost in your lap .. that and the fans .. (DH brings in warehouse type fans . big .. and they move air, but are noisy).
I do have a battery operated fan, ordered just the other day, in fact, from Amazon. Wished I had one the last time, .. and forgot all about it, until in the eye of watching this thing form.
I'm very much a white noise sleeper, and also need "cool" . .cooler than most, so these things and power loss, no a/c . I don't weather them well.
I keenly remember the last time, and no power for almost a week .. and the still . the deafening still, and darkness (no street lights . no power) .. no fan noise, .. as DH shuts the generator down at night, .. at least for about 8 hours .. and that's the end of any fan . air circulation .. not that hot humid air blowing around is all that helpful any way.
But laying in the bed . trying to get comfortable, hot and muggy .. the deafening silence .. and just absolutely miserable, .. little sleep.
I think about my complaints and I think how petty. I live here, I've seen the utter devastation these things can bring . people homeless, having lost everything they ever had. So my complaints about no power .. for a mere week .. kinda petty to say the least. But the fact remains . it's no picnic.
I did order a battery operated fan . don't know how happy I'll be with it (if I have to use it) that it doesn't really make much noise .. but oh well, . maybe it'll move a bit of that hot humid air by my face, laying in bed . and I can perhaps get some shut eye . hopefully.
I do have a white noise app on my smartphone and it's pretty good. But again, no power ... and generator shut off at night, .. do I really wanna drain the battery so I can have white noise. Probably not.
But anyway .. the thing, thus far, . it looks like those farther south for me, are going to be in for utter catastrophic devastation . and my parts where I reside, .. if things go as predicted thus far anyway ... a LOT of rain . a LOT LOT .. localized flooding (I've lived here 30 years in this house .and have never seen flooding, not in my area, and don't expect that to be an issue for us this time either). There are areas that flood here every time it rains .. but that isn't our locale. They will be in for devastation. They predict, at least thus far .. wind here . sustained at about 45 to 60 mph . and gusts upwards to about 85, ... all to say .. expect power loss.
Urgh.
Turn Dorian TURN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Is the plan for taking him to your house a definite?