I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I feel for your poor dad--he may eventually get 'all' his chemo appts, but at what cost? The end result is probably that he bought himself a few more months of life....but, I do understand the very human quality of wanting to fight the good fight. Chemo is the devil ;(
Your post put my little broken A/C unit into perspective. My basement stayed about 75 all night and the A/C didn't work all day. It grew steadily warmer and warmer...until I realized that it was making some unhappy sounds.
A dude will come this afternoon, right now I am sitting in my office and the window is open and it's about 78 degrees. I could never live in Florida, that's for sure. My daughter was in Houston for 3 years and she (and I) never did acclimate to the humidity, bugs and heat.
I think MIL (dad's wife) should be cared for by her people and you take dad on. He will want to be where his wife is, but sounds like she can't comprehend the possible drama. Your dad is very, very sick and trying to deal with weather issues on top of that---not good. And no way either of them could deal with flooding or electrical outages....or downed trees and such.
AT LEAST MIL is safe and sound. No more noise from SIL about coming in Sept? I am sure she'll push that back to Nov at the soonest. Well--at least you aren't hauling MIL places and making her mad. She's safe.
Now on to dad (and you---you count too!! Your comfort is important too!)
Houston, 2 hours up the coast from us got the historic flooding 4-5 Feet of rain.
We are about 20 miles inland from the coast and about 60 miles north of where the storm came ashore. We still had sustained winds of 120+mph for 8-9 hours.
We did get 20.5 inches of rain. The damn thing was moving 2-3 mph.
You are a Floridian. You know how unpredictable these things are. Just don’t be fooled that these things can’t intensify just as they are onshore rather than weaken.
I really don’t want to ratchet up your anxiety.
We have talked about this before. Sometimes you are in a safe zone then suddenly you are not. There is gridlock, no fuel.
I would much rather ride one of these out in my home rather than in my car!
In a perfect world I think most folks would rather be in Canada when one of these things are threatening.
But it’s not a perfect world.
I will be thinking of you and checking back in as time permits.
As to whether his wife will accompany him here. What a quagmire. She has her heels dug in, thinks it's unnecessary they need to depart there. So be it. I think .. there was a time, he'd of stayed with her, against his own wishes. I think that time has passed and he will not do so, at this juncture.
***I am hoping none of this has to transpire, .. and the whole storm thing . goes elsewhere, and it's looking like that might be the case .. at least thus far . but these things are SO SUBJECT TO CHANGE. In any event, there will definitely be impact here locally, but . if stays the course it's projected . it shouldn't be, not here, the catastrophic damage that will be seen in south FL.***
His wife is dug in, insistent . she doesn't feel it necessary to leave . even though he states as vehemently as his frail voice can muster . that he is not able to man a generator these days. That is very true/accurate on his part. And people have their own problems .. yes he has a jack-of-all-trades in his rolodex that's absolutely a stand out guy .. comes on a moment's notice, for anything of the sort mechanical/repairs .. but .. he ain't gonna do so in the event things get menacing around here. It just doesn't work that way.
No stepmom didn't have jack-of-all-trades in mind in her refusal to come this way. She simply is not in reality .. brain function wise. She just isn't. Period.
Her daughter even came from out of town, to try to persuade the both of them to get in her car, go now ... ahead of the gridlocked highways to come (she lives about 3 hours away). No go, on stepmom's part, not leaving, not necessary. Tried to persuade my dad to go with her, .. (thinking if he gets in the car to actually "go" . that would prompt her mom to do the same . and get in the car, begrudgingly but get in the car, rather than be left there alone to manage.) No go, wouldn't do it. Stepsister even offered to come back for them in a couple of days . when we know more, if need be . no go. Not doing it.
Dad wouldn't go . because he doesn't feel up to a 3 hour car ride (maybe more as traffic ramps up with evacuees on the roads). She wouldn't go because . .she simply doesn't see it as necessary.
As stepsister then termed it, telling me all this, . and I agree .. "he is the more fragile of the two .. and he cannot withstand it there .. and her as his only support, so HE is who we have to be concerned with .. I suspect if he gets in the car to go to your house and he says he will .. she will also .. I suspect she will go . .begrudingly and p*zzing and moaning the whole time, but she'll go .. if she sees he means it and is going".
I agree, I think she's right about that.
And yes I know how unpredictable these thing are, . all too well I know it. I remember years ago, when the kids were small, evacuating .. to EB's house, at that time, in Atlanta .. 6 hours away. Only to have the thing turn .. and not be any threat here. Fighting all that gridlock there and back, . all for nothing.
Will just cross our fingers and hope/pray for the best, and watch.
Btw . two more have sprung off the coast of Africa (where these things originate and then travel on strengthening) .. and those aren't even being talked about . not yet.
I wanna move to Utopia . where there are no floods/hurricanes/tornadoes/earthquakes. Does that even exist?
Id rather have my lady garden waxed by a hostile, woman-hating, blind man than have K spend one night in my house in less than ideal conditions. Hell- even in ideal conditions!
Surely, there has to be another alternative?!?
Good Lord!
I need all the laughs I can find these days.
Got our generator, got a window a/c to be hauled out and installed in a window in the event of power failure, got batteries, flashlights, fans, canned goods, loads of bottled water, ..
I guess we're set .. but hoping, fingers crossed, the thing turns and local impact is nominal.
Plan is still, if it's to get bad here, will retrieve dad from across town and bring him to my house. Stepmom says she's not going anywhere. So .. whatever.
I don't want to have to do this .. house them .. and care for my dad, but I can't in good conscious ... run off and leave him to fend for himself with his wife as his only support, she's out of her ever lovin mind ..
If she comes with him .. not my favorite, but so be it. If she stays home .. fine by me, stupid decision on her part, with no way to run even as much as a generator to power a single fan. Stupid. But whatever . not gonna worry with it.
Gonna cross my fingers and say a prayer the thing turns as it's supposed to do.
I have been watching the Weather Channel this morning. I see storm is moving 1mph and has not turned north yet. Good grief!
🤞🏻I think the best case scenario is that the eye wall stays offshore and everyone gets a glancing blow. Or that’s the way the forecasters are calling it.
I hope it’s a best case scenario for your whole state.🤞🏻
Glad to see ya here Rainmom! Lmao!
According to the forecaster I trust above all others, the Dorian stall will continue for much of today, and was not supposed to have already turned north.
I really really hope you don't have to have both your father and stepmother at your house. Actually, I wish you didn't even have to have your father. He should have planned better, as he's not a Florida newcomer. His plan was always to rely on you? I guess in earlier years they could have driven themselves somewhere else to evacuate. But now you are IT for him.
In fairness to Dorker's dad, the cancer dx came and really shocked him, so he went into survival mode about that and probably didn't even think about hurricanes. Your mind can only handle so much drama and then it shuts down. He sounds pretty shut down-since he's letting Dorker handle this.
And bless you for it!!
If you have to house K along with dad, then you will do it as kindly as you can, I know. You still have Xanax, right? A half Xanax ground up and put in some pudding might be just what the dr ordered for K. If she won't eat it, you do.
How long do these evacuations last? I think if it were with kids you loved it could be semi fun---but with a couple grouch seniors--well, not the most pleasant.
Wishing you the best--and always behind one storm is another, waiting and brewing. Makes you wonder why people settled in FL at all!
Tomorrow will be "the" day to make the call as to geriatric pick up ... or not.
Fingers numb from keeping them crossed..
Hasn't ever been a direct hit here (take that back, there was one decades ago, .. but that was long long ago). We've had a few come by here, .. and those were scary enough .. haven't had a direct landing here.
Difference this time, is that he is just too ill to man a generator . and sit in a home with no power in this FL heat, with absolutely nothing in the way of any moving air, from a fan, at the very least (even w/a fan it's debatable as to whether it would be suitable, as hot as it gets here).
Whole other saga ongoing with MIL at present. I just almost fall asleep from boredom with it all, it's always something it seems.
But .. I do kinda "get it" with why it would be so off putting, the whole thing.
Seems J .. the friend who organized a birthday party for Chatty Cathy weeks ago, ... J .. I don't know, none of us do .. why she was even there in a NH .. she was on a walker, but tooled around on that thing like it's nothing .. and seemed sharp as a tack. We never understood why she was there, .. how?
But .. anyway. Seems Purgatory had been trying to kick her out, .. reasons . not known to us .. we don't know. They found cigarettes on J, for one thing .. and that's not allowed there. J swore up and down, . those weren't cigs she used .. that they were merely in her jacket pocket, . .fellow residents all vouched . it was quite the upset there on scene, the drama .. fellow residents all vouching . she doesn't smoke, no one has ever seen her smoking.
I guess that put J on her last leg there, .. just a shred of a leg at that point, as to staying there, .. and so .. she took off the other day, J did . via taxi . to go to Walmart for some sneakers. Never returned, went AWOL.
I have no idea, none of us do, . did they notify law enforcement, file a missing person's report, . notify next of kin . we don't know. J did ultimately return the next day . .someone w/her, someone not known to us and was promptly packed up and thrown out .. that was it, last straw.
This caused much uproar among fellow residents .. who didn't think she should be thrown out .. and much hullabaloo.
So then later, .. MIL and Chatty Cathy in their room, sorting thru and processing and maybe kinda combing thru what in the world . .and trying to come to grips with what has all happened and now J is gone. Where will J go? What will become of J? So forth.
This is when the following dialogue occurred, as reported to us, by MIL
Chatty Cathy: Well I wonder if she even got her sneakers, that's what she left here to do, did she even get her sneakers?"
MIL: "I think she's got more serious problems than whether she ever got her sneakers, . what will become of her situation, where is she going to be?".
This then caused Chatty Cathy . who has shown that propensity in the past, . and has done so, to GO THE H377 OFF on MIL.
According to MIL .. she was cussed a blue streak, by Chatty Cathy . .hammering MIL. "Do you think I'm stupid .. of course I know that! You must think I'm stupid g'd'it .. what is the matter w/you are you stupid .. " and on and on it went, a withering verbal lashing, which has left MIL shell shocked to say the least.
We all know, have known, including MIL . that Chatty Cathy .. she has some "issues" . .and has done that w/others .. gone off on them ..
It hadn't ever happened with MIL though, now it has.
Unfounded really, .. and MIL . I guess if she were more functional herself, . may have been able to de-escalate such an onslaught in her younger years . .not so these days.
So now MIL has been left, really pretty upset and despondent over the above, .. her words: "Not only have I lost J . she's gone . and I don't even know where .. I've lost CC too .. ". Pretty out of it,
pretty addled, despondent . and depressed .. overall. It has really been a big setback to . what was previously seen . in MIL . as some adjustment and acclimating to her setting there. It has upended all that.
MIL has talked of perhaps approaching staff that she needs to move to a different room . but .. that is being discouraged by SIL/DH .. as they have said to her, "you have the best of all worlds here .. CC is never in the room, except to sleep .. she leaves early in the AM .. sits out in the commons area all day long with her coloring books and crayons and entertains herself .. and she's gone . you could end up with a roomie that is hollering out, bed bound, miserable, here all the time . be careful asking for that".
Things have been hugely upended by the above saga .. in a huge way.
And . not only that, .. with the impending possible storm . they've gone around to the exterior and boarded up all the windows there, . smart, responsible thing to do. But .. as someone who has lived with that myself, . it is like living in a dungeon, it up ended her sense of day or night, and it has .. very much so .. and it has caused her to slip even further into being despondent ..
DH there to see her today and he came home really in a pretty foul mood .. mostly as to what her demeanor . and how down it is .. and what it does to him . that he will continue, doing the responsible thing . go to see his mom . but that it's so depressing and brings him down. Her complaining . that she's lost everything . she's so worried about her house, and this storm .. (she didn't know, and had to be reminded by him several times, what day it is) .. her upset about her home, "I am so worried about my home and that storm, I've lost everything .. this is my world now .. this bed and this room, this is all I have . I've lost everything".
As DH put it, when he came home from the visit .. "H377 I don't give a chit about that d&am house anymore . I want it unloaded, I'm sick of going out there to check on that d&am house .. sick of it, .. I want it gone! And .. her laying there in that bed . and so despondent and addled, . h377 she can't take care of anything anymore . she couldn't care for that house anymore, her dog .. and she lays there lamenting "I've lost everything".
I'm far too busy and preoccupied at this point with this whole storm thing at the moment to care a whole lot .. I didn't really sit and listen to him and offer much in any way of any suggestion. Just as he's just "over it" with her woe with me all the time, I'm over it with "his" woe with me with it all.
He had to go there yesterday as it seems . her toothpaste and toothbrush now grew legs and walked off. SIGH
Dorker, I am praying that Dorian will pass you by, and will not affect any of your Loved Ones, but Man oh Man, it is sure a Wicked Nasty Storm! Where abouts in Florida do you live, if you don't mind my asking?
I live in Jacksonville, FL
Regarding DH I have a sense of timing with his woes. It was probably around 6 months ago that he was lamenting how sad MIL's situation was. I remember because we were close to leaving NY and putting our house on the market there. Now 6 months later we are back preparing to close on it soon. He is saying the exact same thing. I know you are frustrated. In ways MIL has made some progress. That should be the focus. There are so many elderly people no longer living in their homes. Is it all so hopeless for all of them.
My mother was evacuated today for the second time in 1 year. She was taking it well and mainly hopeful she would get a recliner as she is quite immobile and got her name on that list. No matter how hopeless a situation is there are so many that are far worse. Good luck in the coming days.
Looks like, (do they even know what this thing is gonna do, .. I don't think there's ever been a hurricane that has sat stationary for as long as this one) .. looks like we might be dodging a bullet where I live. May be some bad news for others on further up the coast into the Carolinas perhaps. Time will tell.
Need to call and check in with my dad this morning, to get a read for what it is he thinks needs to be the call on this.
Frustrated. On the one hand, I've got DH who is sick to death of this whole thing .. just sick of it, .. make up your mind where you're going stupid dam hurricane and get on w/it so life can resume, whatever that looks like, just .. do it.
He and how many other hundreds of thousands feel the same way. I do also, somewhat. But DH .. sounding off, .. "your dad doesn't NEED TO COME HERE .. it's NOT going to be that bad ... it's gonna ... at least here locally .. be no more than what we weather daily in afternoon thunderstorms .. he needs to just stay home .. he doesn't need to come here, and his wife .. they need to just not worry about it and stay home".
This from the aspect, coming from him . we don't want the upheaval of the old frail guy here, to look after. I concur. My dad .. doesn't wanna have to uproot .. anymore than we don't want him to have to bunk in here (and his wife). Dad would want to stay home, where he is most comfortable, by far .. and not have to come here. I agree ...
So .. who makes that call? When?
The problem is that if it's going to get a little more dicey here, . and who can say when/if that's gonna happen, w/any certainty ... if that's the case .. the bridges will all close here. They close bridges at 40 MPH sustained winds.
You can't go anywhere in this area, without crossing a bridge .. so ... if we make the "call" .. *nah it's not gonna be that bad* .. and the thing begins to get more dicey . as to our area, .. may be too late .. bridges closed. Can't get to him.
In that vain, I kinda err on the side of caution.
As I told a frustrated fed up DH this morning: "I'm going to let my dad make the call as to what he wants .. today is the day to make that determination . .as that storm . is to be off our coast (by how much, who knows) tomorrow .. and going on by (we hope and doesn't turn and come into land mass to skirt up the state) .. My dad is the one who knows how he's faring, how he feels . and is subject to a support structure in his wife, that is pretty shaky, and not all that stable.
This frustrated DH ... his words: "HE DOESN'T need to come here, .. the thing is staying offshore out in the ocean .. and it's not gonna be bad here . some wind . yea . but not treacherous dangerous wind .. not here .. the thing is gonna go by where we live, out in the ocean ... he doesn't need to come here . we don't need to have to deal with him and his ailments .. and his wife worse yet . just tell him we'll wait til tomorrow, to make sure it's all good".
Me: "DH .. are you serious, as many times as we sheltered your mom here for storms .. and we're gonna make that call .. and tell him we don't need to come get him .. are you serious?!?!? I hope you're right .. and the projections they are forecasting . that it'll stay on out there in the ocean and be not too big an impact here, I hope that bears out .. I don't wanna have to bring him here (her also) .. he doesn't wanna come here... but I'm gonna leave the ball in his court, as to what he wants to do, that's all I know to do .. if we wait til tomorrow, they may close the bridges and then I CAN'T get him .. I won't be allowed over a bridge to go get him. I'm gonna leave the ball in his court, as to his comfort level .. as to what we all see on the local news."
Frustrating ....
Everybody's nerves are frayed .. millions of us.
And then on another front, which I won't worry too much with .. I'm aware that my nerves are frayed and I'm tired too .. and so . probably on edge. But trying not to lose patience with SIL and her lack of .. "get your azz here and let's get this dam house disposed of".
Why?
Because I'm tired of hearing DH sound off about it.
He's sick and tired of caring for that house, .. a house that will .. ultimately .. go to the bank .. and so . keeping it ship shape .. why? Who cares.
For instance, the other night, DH and myself out gathering hurricane supplies, he feels compelled to go check on the empty house .. just to make sure there hasn't been some problem that developed that needs addressing (something he does periodically). Found the toilet in the master bathroom, something has gone awry .. and it doesn't flush. So he'll have to get back out there and fix that .. as SIL .. when she does come here, whenever that will be .. she will be residing there, as the contents of the home are emptied out.
Couple of weeks ago, he'd gone by there, found the condensate line in the garage, a/c unit, leaking . so he had to do a flush on that, and repair it .. lest it tear up the creaky old .. barely limping along a/c system.
Last week as the storm approached, it was me that thought of this one. "DH we need to let SIL know . she has the name of someone that does storm clean up .. we don't wanna have to do it, for MIL's house, we need to let her know, to reach out to that person . if that storm comes this way .. and have them on standby .. ".
He did that . and then SIL reported back in that the fellow is ready and waiting, will just need someone to be there, to let him into the b'yard . and to pay him. So . another trip there, .. if this thing gets bad .. .to look after MIL's house. A house that no longer is her's and any day will be given back to the bank.
DH is ready . beyond ready . frustrated beyond belief ready .. for it to be done with, and over.
That and .. it brings him great sadness to be in that home . to check on it, .. sadness borne out of ... "this is all mom . this whole place . and it's just sad she can't be here, where she'd wanna be more than anything in the world . and it's gonna be gone .. ".
I don't feel that way at all about it, (and no it's not the family home he grew up in, they moved from the family home where he grew up, once he was grown). I don't feel that way at all, . it doesn't bring in me, any sentimentality . not a bit. I go there and the only thing I see is .. can we PLEASE be done with this dam place .. I see, .. a place that MIL was long since living in, unable to manage, necessitating DH as the jack of all trades . to come see about far too frequently ..
But I get weary of hearing him and sounding off about it all.
As I told him when he came home from seeing what was a despondent really addled, .. somewhat disoriented mom the other day (they've boarded up the windows where she is, which I'm quite sure causes these old folks to not be able to orient day/night, etc). So with the whole debacle between she and CC . and the boarded up windows .. and the whole thing .. MIL in he throes of woe with me, . worrying audibly about her house, . her house, her house .. and DH .. little patience with it . and .. him ready to be RID of that house. As I told him: "Tell your sister ... I have no control over what she's doing".
Last I heard she was staying home thru September, as her daughter is finally going on her honeymoon, 2 weeks in Italy and has 2 dogs . and one of those 2 dogs is ailing and not in good health .. fear that dog will have to be put down .. and the dogs will be with a dog sitter while she's gone .. fear she'd be leaving the dog sitter saddled with that . and so she has asked of her mom to not leave in September, in case the dog should have to be put down, so that she can step in.
But that has been put to rest, . the dog was euthanized
the other day .. in kidney failure . and so that is no longer an impediment to coming this way. But now .. her impediment is that her husband is having four weeks of PT for some ligament issue that has cropped up in his hip . and so she's having to go that course, .. cart him back and forth .. and .. she's also still dealing with that basement . .and .. having the walls all put back from having all those repairs done . and so .. she can't come right now is all I know, but talk to her about your frustration.
DH: "Well I'm just gonna get started .. I'm gonna go on out there, and begin disassembling that house . and some of what I know the kids want . gonna get it to them . some of what I know we want, gonna bring it here .. I'm just sick of it, I'm ready to be rid of it . and done with it, sick of going out there and looking after the dam place .. sick of it".
Me: "And you will still, even if you cart things outta there, you will still be looking after it, until you give the keys back to the bank . because SIL will set up shop there, when/if she ever comes back here .. whenever that's gonna be, .. so she needs a somewhat functional home to be in ..
DH angry: "She can stay here .. I don't give a rats azz .. I'm done, ready to go take it apart out there, and if she doesn't get what she wants outta the place, tough chit .. just done with it"
Me, I'm tired of the sounding off .. Frustrated with SIL .. that she can't seem to get back down here, . and let's get this dam show on the road and be done with it. Frustrated.
Once the storm is over - have a heart to heart - your dad needs to make some decisions regarding K for the future. He can't just evacuate himself and leave her if she doesn't want to go - that is heartless. K doesn't like you so he can't make K your problem by default. Tell him that he has to make decisions or APS will.
I'm in a rare mood today - I'm sick with a fever and dealing with people who leave stuff undone and thereby it becoming my mess. I'm pushing back - NO. Where do all of these entitled people get their chutzpa?
Dorker's father doesn't make decisions, though. He's on a six-month plan to get his affairs in order (no will, no HCPOA, no POA). He isn't going to do anything about K.
Encourage him to get going on emptying MILs house, if that’s what he wants to do. It would probably be good for him - therapeutic even. A refresher course of sorts as to how dysfunctional the idea of mil being able to remain there is/was - with all its effed up quirks and dilapidation.
If sil gets her panties in a twist over not being there to micromanage everything- tough noogies. Sil can give Dh a list of things she’d like set aside for her and once Dorian has done its thing she can hop her azz on a plane and get down there. Cuz, frankly - I think Sil will push off coming back and dealing with all
issues Mil related - as long as she can. As long as everyone will let her. I think emptying the house is an act of finalizing that Sil isn’t ready to face. Not when she can still direct things from afar and still hope for rainbows and unicorns to make things all better.
I am also agreeing with Kimber. Not now, obviously - but once Dorian is past, a serious fact facing session with Dad is needed. Using Dorian and a fresh example as to how nutz it is for living as HE WANTS while it takes a number of other folks (you) to keep it propped up and at the ready to charge in and save the day. Paid in-home caregivers help but they aren’t the answer - not really - as Dorian has shown.
Dorker, I think you are the gear house which keeps the machine(s) running. All these folks around you can’t seem to face facts and reality even when it’s crawled up their backsides. While it’s all ultimately NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY- all their lack of functioning as reasonable adults does tend to complicate your world. Maybe it’s time for you to clear the air?