I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
But, for what it’s worth...
I think it’s a mistake to hold her furor with dh and her aloofness towards you against her. That - as is commonly said of Dementia - was her depression and ill mental health screaming. Maybe even a loose tongue courtesy of Jack Danials or Mr. Miller Genuine Draft.
DD is reaching out and that’s what
I think is important.
You know DD well - you’ll know once you all are face to face, whether she’s shoveling a load of chit just to ensure you’ll still babysit and/or to open your wallet for kiddie clothing - and see her demor and hear the tone of her voice - what words she chooses, etc.
A good case scenario - the antidepressant have actually kicked in and she’s learned a lesson with this whole ugly ordeal. It will also give you a chance to say that as you love her - she scared the chit out of you. Ask what her plans are to ensure this never, ever happens again.
I think - based on everything you’ve said here - the last thing you should do is hold the incident - her behavior against her. Even in the tiniest way. She is/was sick. If, during this “air clearing” you think she’s trying to take you for a ride - say it then. But getting to the table first and fast is the important thing right now.
At least, that’s how I see it.
In the throes of post-partum depression, I lashed out at my mom for all I was worth. She listened very calmly (I was in the psych ward of a hospital and was out of my mind with grief, fear and trying VERY hard to not be suicidal any more.) She was the ONLY one I could yell at.
She never, ever brought that awful day up again. I try to follow her example in my dealings with my own three kids.
I think your son in law would be very wise to seek other employment.
I would deem it that .. perhaps there is to come, a remorseful maybe even some contrite apology to come (maybe not), but we are, he and myself both, "guardedly optimistic".
And yes, maybe there is to come, the request on both their parts for some financial help .. whatever the case, and I already stated I'd help and we'll do that, if that's asked of us.
Yes, perhaps it is indeed .. the whole shopping piece of it .. just .. a flash of things enjoyed in the past, . let's get back there to that page. Maybe that is a want/wish on her part. It certainly is something she and I both have found joy doing .. in the past.
I don't' mind doing so .. ever ...
But I do mind, spending "ANY" time around someone that has .. at least thus far, . shown no awareness that they intend to make right what they did wrong .. in her treatment of her dad .. and .. to a lesser extent to me. Not someone I'd want to go spend much time around.
(yes she is reaching out and trying .. and trying to get that on the schedule, I see that, .. accept/acknowledge that .. yep .. so we will see just what comes of said meeting whenever the parties can find the time to set aside to do just that)
Would I refuse to buy my g'kids clothes ............... never in a million years .. even if their mom threw dog dung at me. I love the g'kids . and I LOVE LOVE shopping . and so ... whether DD is a part of that, and us having fun together, or whether I do so on my own .. that part WILL HAPPEN.
So .. I'm fully on the page with ya . the things I do for and with them, aren't built around .. "oh but remember I did ____________ for you ............and remember how you chit on my playground, how dare you".
Nope . not the way I've operated . and she knows that.
If that were the case, .. we'd of long since been estranged for good, forever.
She wouldn't tolerate it .. if I held every infraction over her head . and toyed with .. "you better treat me good or else .. no clothing/toys for your kids, no sitting for your kids". She wouldn't play that game . and I wouldn't .. be a party to that either.
At this point, both DH and myself .. aware that maybe the AD's are kicking in enough . she is beginning to clear the fog she's been in . and grand/splendid .. would be glad to hear it, and yes, .. she'd be told "you scared the bejeezus outta all of us". And asked, .. "so what's the plan . you guys have one . as to addressing this so it doesn't get like this again".
But . beyond that, life resumes .. ya know .. family steps on one another's toes . it happens .. to all of us . and we are all not without fault.
And I have to kinda snicker a bit at the "son in law might be wise to find employment elsewhere".
I've encouraged that same thing.
I think it would be good for them . for him to be separate from us, I really really do.
But .. obviously . for whatever the reasons . thus far, he hasn't seen it suitable to pursue that.
He did, at one point, think that was the thing to do .. and it was merely because we'd reached a slow point . and not a lot of work here, .. and so .. a paycheck that was repeatedly paltry.
He soon was back. He did leave, for employment elsewhere. Didn't like it so it was said. But my guess, he didn't .. dislike . the environment working for DH enough to .. "well that didn't work, . let me try a different setting .. and not return to DH as his boss".
I agree 100% employment for him should be elsewhere. But .. again .. so much of all this .. I can only suggest .. and beyond that, actions that others take or don't . out of my scope.
Wow. Okay - I hate to say it, but I will - after everything you saw, everything that happened, all the really strange behaviors DD exhibited that you told about here - I find that statement disturbing in and of itself.
If Im being out of line - I sincerely apologize.
I couldve talked to her today at any point. She wants to talk to "us" ... not just me and with her words "to clear the air".
Her dad wont be around during day hours, same with her DH.
She mentioned Saturday evening as a possiblity.
I responded I'd let her know as to her dad's availability.
That was her suggested time frame, not mine. I cant speak as to whether he will be around, til I talk to him to verify.
I presume Saturday evening, since that was her suggestion, works best on their timetable.
So the piece about "getting all parties" to the table was speaking to the above.
I dont guess she felt it needed that we call any kinda urgency .. in a "I need you guys to make yourselves available with a quickness".
Thus, its a get all parties to make themselves available.
I totally get feeling like you'd rather not even see her right now, I do. I have had to, for periods of time, stop answering my daughter's calls and texts when she was being abusive. She knows I love her but that I don't have to and won't be abused.
All that said, if your DD is saying she wants to clear the air, I would sit down and talk with her as soon as possible. Especially because she's been depressed, it sounds like she needs you, whether she admits it or not. She needs her parents' love and support. Doesn't mean you have to let her talk to you any old way, or that you can't tell her the truth when she hurts your feelings. But always, always let her know you love her and care about her and that what she sees as meddling is just mom and dad being concerned about her.
But, hell - I’m no expert. Not by a long shot as my only child functions at a two yr olds level so dealing with a depressed, possibly mentally ill, “typical” adult child is way beyond my field of experience. If one were to have any Autism Spectrum Disorder involved - yeah, I’m all over it. But a typical child? No expert at all.
So, my cringe was a gut reaction that made me think, that had it been me - I would have replied to DD “Of course, Saturday night is fine”. I mean, what else could possibly be more pressing? Dh off hunting or at church? Hasn’t that been exhausted as acceptable excuses back when they applied to MIL?
Its the boundary clearly set with OD, who has been in the past verbally abusive with threats of worse. Not in a long time however.
But she knows I love her, always will, no matter what. I simply wont be subject to or tolerate verbal or other abuse. OD doesnt come around a whole bunch and I suspect, at least in her regard, some of it is because she has some volitility to her nature coupled with an inclination to say too much and pop off.
It works, in the case of OD.
Long ago set boundary.
I havent ever had to set any boundary with DD. Hadnt really been cause to do so.
DD one who, at least prior to the last few months and whatever was at the root of her unraveling .. used to could be found here, a LOT... too much at times.
Thats just one of the things (of some others) noted over the last few months as stark changes... her not coming around as much ..
She hasnt been verbally abusive (cold and distant yes) .. not to me.
Same boundary would be applicable.. were that to become any issue.
Sit down with her ASAP in light of all thats been seen ..???....
I'm treating it as per her suggestion.. which she chose .. or proposed as Saturday evening.
I answered to it .. telling her Ill let her know if her dad is available... as she does want "us" .. not just me.
I have to agree with your reactions to your daughter's recent MH challenges, as I would have done the same as you, and now it is time to cautiously let the dust settle, as they say.
It's encouraging that she has reached out to you guys to speak on the subject and hopefully to apologize and reassure you that she will seek the nessasary medical help as needed to get herself "over the hump", so to say.
Lordy, don't our children give us no end of concern, it's a wonder why we ever had kids in the first place, LOL! It seems that us women in general go through no end of strife, even in the most healthy of families, let alone the dysfunctional ones.
The Mother Daughter relationship is a challenging one, even in the best case scenarios, but I cannot imagine my life without my now 37 y.o. daughter, she is my best friend, but man oh man, we have had some monumental battles over the years! I believe yours is no different, marriage and motherhood is difficult, and many women don't get the support they need at times, especially when the kids are babies and toddlers.
I truly believe your daughter will come out of this OK, it definitely sounds like she has your support and that you guys have been through other times when things got rough, it's just the way of things. She clearly recognizes that she is struggling, that she has lashed out at those who love her the most as they do, and now needs to reassure you guys that she is addressing things head on and is apologetic, as well as that she is Not a threat to herself or her children, and I know you will be there watching carefully for signs that she is struggling and will act accordingly, as that is your caring makeup, shown to your followers here on this thread.
We wouldn't all continue to coming back here if we didn't all feel a certain kinship to your plight, all recognizing similar experiences along with you. Obviously most of us here are Married, Mothers of 30/40 somethings, Caregivers, and Grandmothers to boot, and we have all gone through struggles of our own along the way. Motherhood is a blessing and a curse, and as my Mom (Mother of 6) use to say, "who said have kids?", Ugh!!! Lol!
Hang in there Love! It has been a rough few years for you, and you will need to remain vigilant, but This too shall pass!
Glad to know its not such a rarity .... these problems with our kids (adult kids).
As DH's aunt used to say "should've raised dogs, did a h377uva sight better with that than I did with raising my kids".
Sometimes, I think she mightve been right.
I haven't asked.
I will though. When I see him later.
The way I look at it, is kinda ... no need to stop the presses and interrupt him at work, .. it's for a day or two from now, I'll see him later when he comes in, suffices to ask him then.
And .. as to whether or not he will stop the presses and make himself front and center for what is obviously an issue with DD's mental health and her willingness to sit down and talk. Only he can speak to that. I can't tie him to a chair and make him be here.
In all honesty, .. once I kinda figured out, as best I can, in my limited abilities, there was no imminent danger. The approach at that point, . for both of us, let the dust settle on all this . and let it sort itself out .. there doesn't appear to be any imminent danger, (or so I'd think in my untrained capacity at such things).
And so .. whether or not there is any URGENCY as to .. "No now dadjimmit DH .. by gosh . be there, ... or else!".
I don't intend to take that approach.
If it was Saturday (and it apparently was, I didn't put DD to an inquisition as to why that specific point as our planet spins on it's axis) .. if it's Saturday that works for her, .. then fine .. I'll check with DH on it.
If that's not gonna work for him, we punt .. go back to the drawing board to see if there's a workable time frame around that, one which DD maybe thinks more appropriate, since DH will have indicated that as not a good time for him.
I guess the point here is .. I don't see any real URGENCY to getting all parties to the table. Yes, she is obviously struggling with some issues for certain .. and she knows, I've told her, . we (I) will move heaven and earth to get her the help she needs if she wants. That was told to her, "after" she cursed her father up one side and down the other. So she knows, no one is holding over her head . now by golly you treated your dad like the dirt under your feet, now you make it right, or no help from us". She knows that's not the case.
I don't see the need for DH to refrain from any/all other engagement(s) anywhere and stick this as a priority . to do so.
If per se, . he's already been in touch with a hunting buddy and has plans to scoot on outta here Saturday afternoon (and I'm not yet aware, but if so, fine by me) .. I'm not willing to upend his plans .. or try to, and INSIST that he stay put. I'm just not.
Whatever is the origin of her issues . and there does seem to be some .. she knows .. we are here .. and will help .. she knows that, .. and without apology even .. without any need to present herself. I made that clear to her.
Yes, she wants to make it right . or so it would seem, and "clear the air" .. and grand, that's splendid, let's do that. But she named Saturday. I just don't know that to be workable to DH . and I haven't interrupted his workday to ask, I'll see him shortly and ask him then, and if he says "nah . .not gonna work for me, I already talked to R (his hunting buddy) we're headed for the woods that night", .. then I'll pose to him the dilemma and he can work around it.
Maybe (not a slight, I wish that I didn't know it all so well myself, but I've lived it long enough to know) .. maybe some of you aren't versed in this hunting biz .. when that rolls around, I better not even so much as get sick .. cuz .. it's hunting season . he's gone!
Not wild about it, but been at this too long to know how it works.
Not a hunter myself .. I could never .. and I don't even really partake of his spoils of his ventures . (not my forte). But .. ya gotta remember, . this is a guy that for a number of years
Stuck around for school plays, ballgames, . kid bdays .. whatever, . when he'd of liked to have been in the woods hunting. Now, his kids are grown . .and .. so when he can, he goes, and I don't begrudge him that.
Not really. I don't always "get it" . I don't embrace it .. but .. it is what it is, as they say. Been at it too long .. to go at it .. with a mentality that would command otherwise.
Now, if someone were sick in the hospital and in really dire straits . yea .. I'd dig in my heels .. if there was some earth shattering something . yea I'd dig in my heels and throw a fit . "sorry dude, .. you're not going . there will be h377 to pay in a furious wife .. so back off it".
But not gonna do that ..
I don't know .. he may be just fine with it, and be right here . just .. gotta wait and ask him.
No big deal to me.
All is quiet (I hesitate to say it, .. something will happen to make it not quiet) on the MIL front.
I did have a talk with SIL and explained what's going on, on our front with DD . and ask that she try to be more discerning with texts this way .. as to her mom having maybe hiccuped too hard, .. or if she didn't like the taste of her tea that day, or whatever else. If it's not earth shattering, let's just .. for now .. let it go .. we have enough on our plates.
As I told her (fortunately she has a sense of humor and a good one): "With all due respect, if you text us that your mother dropped her soap on the floor or didn't like her meatloaf that day, or didn't get to the hair salon . considering all we have on our plates, you're likely to get told I don't give a EF".
She did laugh and say that she understands . absolutely. As I told her, "I know that your mom is your sole focus and her well being, but we have our daughter, and of course, what's the root of all that .. and of course, my dad . and DH who does . try to get by and see and check on MIL . we have ENUF on our plates right now to not have to worry with whether she didn't get her hair washed, or any other of a number of not earth shattering events".
She, thus far, if there have been any hiccups . hasn't fielded them our way. Thus, all quiet on the MIL front. Thank you heavens above! We need it.
Im wishing you a peaceful weekend and a positive exchange between all involved in the Saturday Night Summit.
Haha
Dispatch DH. He spends all damn day with S. This “man to man” talk from DH (and the accompanying action) is imperative. And overdue.
If there are firearms in DD & S’s house, they should move to a locked safe at your house. (Buy another safe, if you have to.)
DH needs to be calm, firm and persistent.
•S might swear up & down he does not own gun(s) when, in fact, he does.
•S might own gun(s) that DD does not know about. [Or so he thinks]
•S’s bottom line might be “aw, come on, she knows better.”
•S might say that his guns are hidden where “no one” can get to them.
•S might say that his guns are locked up when, in fact, they are not.
•S might have his gun(s) in a locked safe, and DD has a key or knows the combination. [Whether S knows it or not.]
•If S owns multiples, he might insist that he needs to keep one.
Again - DH needs to be calm, firm and persistent.
If DD herself owns firearms, the conversation will be tougher. But still essential.
The goal is harm reduction.
DD and our talk went okay. Lots said but all to suffice she recognizes depression exhibits in her as sad/gloomy as most would experience it, but also in anxiety that shows not as one who wrings their hands but one who comes out swinging. Anger. Lots more said but I'm exhausted, need to go to bed.
Our conversation last night, interrupted by a phone call from my dad who had summoned 911 to his house. Same problems DH was having weeks back. Constipation accompanied by debilitating stomach cramping.
Asked that I meet him at the hospital as its uncomfortable for him to do the 40 questions routine, what meds do you take, what dose, who is your PCP, on and on it goes. His wife too addled to be his mouth piece.
I did so.
Several hours later I got home at 3 AM and in the bed only to be awakened at 7 AM, another phone call from my dad, the logjam broke and now rivers of diahrea ensuing and could I come help.
They had no chucks, Depends, so got that ... cleaned up 2 incidents of what was probably about like a crime scene only it was diahrea.
C'giver arrived (she had been absent the scene for 3 days, migraine). Migraine now lifted, her arrival to what was now a 3rd episode of diahrea river .. I left. Got home about 4 this afternoon and fell asleep on the sofa.
My life, putting out fires that keep errupting.
Im going to bed.
Anyhoo - it’s a favorite of mine as well. It’s from his song Beautiful Boy:
"Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."
Oh shut up, Rainmom! Right?
"Asked that I meet him at the hospital as its uncomfortable for him to do the 40 questions routine, what meds do you take, what dose, who is your PCP, on and on it goes."
Shame that your talk with D was interrupted like this. He should have a sheet listing his meds, PCP, etc. and always have it available for EMS or trips to the doctor. He seems to think you are his HCPOA without any documentation (which he refuses to do).
"I got home at 3 AM and in the bed only to be awakened at 7 AM, another phone call from my dad, the logjam broke and now rivers of diahrea ensuing and could I come help.
They had no chucks, Depends, so got that ... cleaned up 2 incidents of what was probably about like a crime scene only it was diarrhea."
And so it begins. I thought you weren't going to clean up chitapalooza over there? Another boundary breached. They need more help over there. I hope it doesn't turn out to be you.
I'm glad things went okay with the talk with your D. Getting things out in the open is a very good sign.
I am confused about how involved you planned to be in dad's care. I thought it was hands-off and yet here you are running the roads in the middle of the night looking for cleanup stuff--or you just made do. Sounds like you have a new/old problem. He's going to call you every time he needs something--I am so sorry there aren't more CG involved.
One side effect of chemo--and it has been 100% every time I have a tx, is constipation that is just beyond belief. THEN...it works its way out (I'm being so gross and I am sorry) but there is NO warning that ''this time' you are actually going to move something. It's excruciating.
My FIL did the same thing. Since I was on the periphery, but VERY hands on when it came to the down and dirty--it drove me NUTS that I'd haul FIL to the hospital for constipation, they'd clean him out and keep him for a few hours and we'd go home. He NEVER had his list of meds, nor any information. It was like starting fresh each hospital run. All you can do is make a list and several copies of it to be run with him to the ER when this happens (and it will again).
Dorker--are you going to continue to be this involved in dad's life? Your call. Since you are the only family that's stepping up--and considering your past history with him, I find that admirable.
Is he on track with his chemo txes? If he had one on Friday that would explain the Sunday night problems.
He could try 'pre treat' before chemo. I do a complete colon wash--like I was having a colonscopy the day before chemo. I am empty!! So the constipation cannot happen. Then for a few days I do prune juice (warmed up) and Miralax. Ask the doc first. This round was much better---nothing like already feeling sick and then being backed up.
At least MIL has settled down or you simply aren't involving yourself in her. October looms and we don't see SIL hauling down there do we? I think, if I remember, time is against you, re: the RM. That should be fun :)
Glad you had a talk with DD, even if it felt less than stellar. She opened up a little and that's something. Sounds like she's trying to get you and DH to understand how she 'feels' when of course, her emotional pain is hers and different to her than anyone else's. The fact she can calmly talk is huge. Give those AD's time to work. Support when you feel you can.
Hoping for a better week for you.
We run quickly for our LO's in need, that's just what we do, and I'm sorry the request came in the middle of the night, Ugh, doesn't it always happen this way, and Always when we are tired and stressed too! One thing I do reccomend is Never say Never, in parental Caregiving, as Never Always seems to Happen. Do try to get some rest!
When my Mom was dying from Cancer and on Hospice care in my eldest sister's home, as the "medical" person, I can't tell you how many times I was called in the middle of the night to rush over to help. I was juggling work, home life and Hospice care and I was exhausted and barely able to function, it was Never a thought not to go, you just ran! Thank God for Family Medical Leave or I would have been out of a job. We lost 3 parents in 14 months and I never felt that I was able to grieve before my FIL moved in, it was a very emotional time.
It is insane what we go through when life's turbulence takes over, but somehow we get through it. I promise this stressful times will pass and you will be all the stronger for it. This is Life, Unfortunately!
Maybe fatigue.
Feels like life is a succession of putting out fires that only stomps out the raging blaze, and when you walk away to tamp out another one, the other 3 or 4 flare up again.
A sense of this can't be all there is to what my life is about. It can't be it.
Doing some self therapy, talking to myself, trying to walk through it all. In a sense of . while this might seem like it'll go on forever, . it won't. These old folks that have .. as some have referred to them . lived beyond their expiration date, .. they will expire at some point. Will it be about the time, I too have lived beyond my expiration date? Feels like it.
I have no idea why I went flying that way. I do know that he'd mentioned in a prior conversation about the c'giver being ill. I hadn't asked him specifically what was wrong with her. I only know the surface stuff .. a cancer patient can't be around someone who is ill. Made sense .. she's ill, she's gone (til she's better).
Did I equate that to, . uh oh dorker, be on alert . you'll be the next phone call when chit hits the fan for some reason. No, I didn't. Likely . just trying to stomp out the fires in the DD realm .. and that front . had me preoccupied, so no that never dawned on me.
So .. I get the call, at .. it really . in the end, pretty good timing .. had sat down for a "clear the air" as DD put it, her request we do so ... and that really essentially been done for the most part, when my cell rings .. I see it's my dad's number.
And on the other end, is this beleaguered voice .. "Dorker I need your help here..", as he goes on to explain he is going to call 911 (I know, .. are you serious?!?!?!?, for constipation . who'da thunk it, ever). But he's going to call 911, some serious debilitating stomach pain .. and he thinks associated with some constipation . pain so severe he isn't able to be comfortable at all. Nothing is working to get things moving and these stomach cramps are . as he put it . about an 11 or 12 on a scale of 1 to 10. Would I meet them at the hospital.
Did it dawn on me to say "nope, nadda . no dice, you're on your own".
Nope, never did. Off I went. Dropped DH at home (we'd been at DD's house) . and off I went to the ER.
They were already there, by the time I got there, he and his wife.
That's a whole other sickening saga . dealing with her. I mean it! I am not cut from the cloth to deal with people with dementia .. I know that as well as I know anything in this life. I'm not made of the stuff to deal with it. I could've dealt with dad .. I mean . it's a matter you wait for what the healthcare folks have to tell you as to tests they wanna run . .and wait for the results . if you're uncomfortable you say so .. and so forth. But dealing with someone with Dementia in that setting .. I could've strangled her.
And yes, I did ask that she consider going home .. and I'll bring him along when he is discharged. Nope, nothin doin . she wasn't having it.
She doesn't have the sense at this point that God gave a gnat. She really does not.
Her going on and on about . "well I just don't think that anyone needs to go to the ER for what is really, in the end, constipation .. I've been constipated before, these things work themselves out eventually".
It'd be one thing if someone said that one time .. h377 I'd feel that way too .. had I not seen it myself, in DH a few weeks back.
It'd be one thing for a person to say that one time . .and then the answer .. that dad barks out, "K I AM HURTING DA&NIT, I WOULDN'T BE HERE IF I WASN'T IN PAIN!". It's one thing . to have answered her myself, the first time .. "oh I know, I would've thought the same thing . but I've seen . it can cause some significant pain .. be glad you haven't experienced it, I sure don't want to".
But she keeps saying it, like she never said it before . until the
the dad explodes in a rage . yelling at her . her now . at least for the moment, until she forgets 5 mins from now and says the same thing again .. her upset at him for raging at her.
It's with her, and I know she can't help it, her brain is broken . and maybe if she were someone I loved dearly . maybe it's easier to tolerate . but she just asks the same things over and over and over . and if you say to her, . "yea, remember you asked about that .. a few mins ago, we said ______ and ____". Her response, "yea I remember we talked about that, but how much longer is all this gonna take", her original question she's already asked about 5 x's . and then .. when dad . who doesn't feel good . gets a belly full .. he explodes on her . ..
It's just a terribly hostile and uncomfortable setting to find one's self in.
There is reason he asked me to be there, . she doesn't have a brain left in her body . .he doesn't feel good .. pretty miserable . and all the 40 questions they ask . he has little tolerance to be able to withstand . and so . there is "reason". I get that part of it, . but if I could've lead her out to the bridge nearby and shoved her off it, I'd of done it.
The other ongoing debacle there on site ... OMG. One day, I hope this becomes a funny story . right now it is not.
Dad . insistent . 1000% sure his walker, went on the ambulance w/him . and yet . it had not been accounted for there in the ER, hadn't been seen since.
K (stepmom) . .1000% sure she'd seen it there, . .in the ER . it was brought here .. I've seen it, the nurses have it.
This is a worry because that is how the man ambulates. If he is discharged . and I suspect he would be .. once the issue is dealt with . sure . they'll cart him to the car in a wheelchair but once he gets home . and a missing walker, there isn't a prayer in the world the man can get up and ambulate at all. And at that hour, .. I'd of broken into a store and stole one and been the film at 11 on the local news, just to have a da&n walker, .. for him to use, since the one he had . he insisted went on the ambulance with him . she insisted the nurses have it.
It was a terribly busy night in the ER . .and that was another point of contention with stepmom . and her unable to grasp .. "ya know there may be people in here, that are at death's door . with a heart attach or stroke . every room is filled, that's what is taking so long .. they will get to us, . not fun to sit and wait . and wait and wait and wait . no . but at least no one in our little corner is dying". Does no good, she keeps asking . "how long is all this gonna take? I mean we've been here now for 3 hours .. how long". On and on in it goes. She asks, I repeat the same thing .. she asks again .. same thing ... she asks again, dad explodes in rage at her. On and on it goes.
But the missing walker. OMG.
So . the nurse . the too busy nurse came in . asked him . "have you seen the walker he was transported here with?". The male nurse, I'm sure . busier than busy . no he hadn't seen it. I asked .. "where do they bring transported patients in . because it's a different entry than Jon Q Public has to use, . .let me go over there and see if it's there".
He explained it would've been over by the charge nurse, . and he'd go check. But . you see they were incredibly busy .. and one might think . oh he'll go ask, and be back in a moment . no .. an hour later, . no answer. I took it upon myself to go ask . where is the charge nurse . I'll go ask her myself.
The thinking here is this. This city likely has a 100 ambulances or God knows how many . and from stations all over the city . where was this ambulance dispatched from, what station . if that walker is riding around on an ambulance somewhere, let me get in my car and go there, and retrieve it at this God awful hour . because otherwise . they'll discharge the man . he'll be at home . and no way to get around at all.
Oh sure they'll get him to the car, but once at home . no walker, . well then what, he can't get in the house .. so let's find this missing walker, even if it means I have to leave the ER and go to the station from where the ambulance would've been dispatched.
So off I go, find the charge nurse, . yes she had some familiarity with a missing walker status . and no she hadn't seen it. Asked her if she had any way to dial down on what station would've dispatched the transport that brought him in . so I can check with them . and she said, . "Oh dear, yea that's gonna take some research . and we're so busy here .. I'll try to take the time and get with city dispatch, see if they can tell me . and call that station to see if they have it, but it will be a while .. we've got a lot of patients tonight".
So .. off I go back to the cubicle where Dad is being cared for and explain that they don't have it .. don't know where it is . they will try to dial down on . where was that ambulance dispatched from . .and go from there . but it'll be a while . and to K's . "I know it's here somewhere I saw it". Ask her to take me to where she thinks she saw it . humor her .. off we go . h377 we might as well have been walking on Mars . she had no clue . only .. "I'm sure I saw it, I just don't know where". Dad certain it was on that ambulance but that's the last he's seen of it.
So I ask her, K, for the keys to her house (just what I wanna do at midnight, leave the ER . drive to their house .. and go see if the walker is there, but what else to do ..?? I sure don't know).
So ask for the keys to their house. Well my GOD you'd of thought I was asking for the keys to their kingdom to go rob and pillage, by her response.
"It's not there Dorker, .. I'm telling you I saw it here .. I just don't remember where".
Me: "Well they don't seem to know where it is .. I've talked to the staff . and bottom line . they are going to likely discharge him to go home . how will we get him out of the car, if we don't come up with a walker somewhere?!??!?, let me go to the house and see if the ambulance personnel maybe tossed aside ..
To her argument .. "well if it's there, it'd be on the front porch that's where they loaded him onto the gurney . so you don't need a key".
Me: "Well if they tossed it aside, and put it back in the house . I won't know unless I have a key to enter and look for it".
To my dad now thundering at her: "God-d'it ... Give her the keys . we need the walker and if it's not there, she's gonna have to go to the fire station that dispatched the ambulance .. we have to have it, give her the G'da&n keys!".
Her now shaking them at me, as if I'm trying to now have the opportunity to go rob them blind. Her: "Here" . shaking them at me, . but the da&n walker is here somewhere, I saw it, go on . if you think that's what you have to do".
I'm thinking at that point .. ya know .. maybe they just need to give him another one and bill the insurance for it, and I can be done with this.
But by that point, I'd of left there to go shovel chit . just to get outta there . and breathe for a moment from the tension.
So off I went . walker found in their foyer. It wasn't on the ambulance . it wasn't there on site in the ER somewhere, it was in their foyer, in their home. Folded it up and brought it with me, back to the ER.
As I said before, . .they did all they did to try to get things moving . nothing working . and a digital removal and we were on our way now. Got them home, myself home and in bed at 3:30 AM. And the phone call the next morning bright and early . as the river of chit flowing . and I guess I was tired .. I don't know . it didn't dawn on me to say .. "oh no, not me".
I am going to rehearse and learn it . ."oh gee, bad time dad . I have the worst stomach flu I can't come . sorry".
Gonna learn it, rote . learn it.
I did talk to him today to wish him happy bday . (81 today) and things
And things seem a little better on that front ..
Him: "That sure was harrowing wasn't it, just all of it, way beyond anything you wanted to get stuck in the middle of".
Me: "As a matter of fact, you're right . and ya know both of you need to be in a facility for your care, she can't care for you . you can't care for yourself .. you both need to be looking into a facility and give up your home . and go into a 24/7 care setting . things like this .. are gonna happen . and she can't take care of you dad".
Dad: "Oh I disagree .. I think once I get past this chemo . I'll be doing better and can get stronger".
Me: "Let's hope so, but she is NOT going to get better ... and you .. you are terribly weak and frail . and she cannot adequately care for you".
Dad: "Well, .. we will see once chemo is finished how things ride out".
Onto other topics at that point. I am spent. Just .. drowning in it all, it seems.
As to MIL .. I haven't heard a word. Had that little talk with SIL last week . since I had so much on my plate with DD . .and her saga . and asked that she refrain from sending texts about MIL's shampoo bottle fell over . or whatever other azzinine thing she texts about.. And she has ceased doing so, if there's been any calamity large or small I don't know it.
NO, I think I was caught off guard . as to the whole debacle with the c'giver absent . and suddenly "Need" .. and so off I flew.
And when I got there, . my GOD .. it was a hazmat scene if there ever was one. And .. yes, ,I cleaned it up . only for it to occur again, before I could dash out the door to walmart, to chucks pads and adult diapers ..
Maybe the smarter thing to have done would've been to stop at Walmart first . and arrive there with adult diapers to at least stem the mess that would occur again and again. But nope . not what I did.
They now have adult diapers and as dad reported in today's phone call . once those got utilized . that did seem to stem the major issue of the floors . being soiled with what was a river of it . running . as he slowly ambles to the bathroom.