I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
clearer than I know how to make it. And you can't, you still work for a living . and aren't retired and while you "SAY" .. you wish you were independently wealthy and could just take care of her, make that your sole focus . you had ample opportunity when she did live at home . and on her own . to do just that .. as in . put aside your churching and hunting . and go take care of her. So your words .. "I wish I could just be independently wealthy and just .. I'd take care of her". They ring hollow, experience at all this says something quite different.
So .. take your sad laments as to her whole setting and predicament at this point in her life .. and .. talk to a professional or don't .. up to you .. but I can't keep hearing it.
Hopefully some of that too is stemmed.
DD went to see her the other day with kids in tow, . .as it was said, to "cheer her up". It sounds like, from what DD said, (who is tough as nails usually) .. it was not a good situation in that you have 2 two yo's . and running amok . and trying to keep them from getting into everything . and an old woman who really is clueless that this is just .. it's a lot of work . for DD . and ya know . a DD who could've stayed home . and had her kids in the closed environment there . and not had to chase them down . and out of things they don't need to get into. And MIL apparently had a pee accident while DD was there . and nobody came . they called, but nobody came . so DD took it upon herself to help get that all remedied . but all the while two yo's running amok .. and trying to police that, keep MIL from falling . as she tried to clean her up and change her . and so forth. Not something DD will be eager to be party to a whole lot, and who can blame her.
This whole thing . it has left me battered and on the ropes .. I mean it. The whole thing with so much .. so much cropping up as to others and their problems . has left me gasping for air on the ropes and in a funk . I can't seem to pull up out of.
I can't go anywhere right now, as I'm working those clinics some in the coming weeks. I will though, maybe sometime in October, scoot away ..
I knew, .. I've had my limit as to his wife .. and so ... negated my participation in above.
The thinking at this point is *maybe* the last two weeks of October, she hopes.
The hold up has been . of course, her daughter was to marry . and so . that was beginning of August. She was involved .. somewhat on that front. And, ... her husband developed some mysterious problem in his hip. After much investigation, it turned out to be some ligament or something and so he is doing 4 weeks of PT . taking him thru the end of September. Some other problem they were addressing with her husband's teeth, not sure what, a crown that went bad or implant or something. And ... into October, . they have been dealing with, for months .. their basement .. and it leaking .. I guess the walls were breached (block construction), ..???... I don't know.
Way back when MIL was there, .. she had workers in to take all the paneling off the walls . and go at those leaks and seal them .. and some didn't hold well, so having them back . some other leaks that developed . and getting those sealed.
Now, that seems to be all finally finished, but now time to put the dry wall back (not going back in with paneling) . and get that all sanded and finished and painted and the flooring in the basement replaced.
All that to transpire over the next few weeks . and part of that, the guy that does some of this work, going on a 10 day vacation and not available part of that time.
She says she *hopes* .. *maybe* .. the last two weeks of October to be here.
That too, will be a relief once it gets off of us.
Why don't we just go empty MIL's home . and her not here . oh well, snooze ya loose. Some of what is in MIL's house, she will want .. I don't know specifically what, she doesn't know specifically what.
But that too, a source of DH's sadness. He is the one charged with going there periodically to look it over and/or repair anything critical that needs attention. It saddens him, every time he goes there, to that big empty house that is SO his mom . and he SO wishes she could still be there.
The sooner that is all dispensed with . and no longer having to go there . the better for all.
Your response to your husband sounds so great too, I hope he is finally Getting how important it is to keep you out of his sad feelings on the subject of his Mother, no sense in both of you being down in the dumps over it, and it would do him a world of good for him to go and talk with someone else about his unfounded guilt, he has been a pretty decent son to her over the years, and most definitely could have been worse. Men, can't live with um, can't shoot um!
I don't blame you for needing to step back in the hands on care of your Dad, OMG, I know I couldn't take caring for someone with Dementia and all it's problems, they need more help and if stepping back helps him to come to that conclusion, then that is help in itself.
Keep on Keeping On!
Right now, I'm living with some tough consequences that stem from my own husband's lack of action/decision-making, and am more than a bit crispy around the edges. Didn't want to project my own frustrations too much.
Sometimes, lying is The Right Thing To Do. And you're doing it. Please know I'm cheering you on!
I'm so glad that you won't be taking him to chemo tomorrow. If the caregiver is there on Friday, she can do it (isn't Friday a regular day for her?).
Be ready for when he calls you over the weekend with possible constipation/chitapalooza problems once again. You can't come over there (for whatever reason you want to use). The man can solve his own problems, and you are letting him do just that!
That's what I'm good at. In fact, .. my family all call me, .. "the search engine". That's me, it's what I've always been, resourceful, .. find an answer, fix a problem, find a solution.
This has all, so profoundly changed who I am.
Hard to put a finger on .. "oh c'mon Dorker, so you had to go over and clean up chitapalooza spewed every direction, and sit in an ER w/an ailing frail dad, man the h377 up .. get some wading boots and wade thru it, others have ... get tough".
While there is that awareness in me, ... that I "should" be able to handle with others also do ... wade thru rivers of chitapalooza . and in their aged frail parent .. and sit up half the night, til the wee hours in the AM . in the ER. There is that awareness.
But, I keep circling back to ...
In my case (maybe in others' cases also). I am spent, profoundly changed by all this, it has .. for lack of a better term, wrecked me.
Why? Others can soldier thru this stuff. Why?
Because .. I am surrounded by ungrateful selfish needy people, who have no apparent ability to look at the impact of their actions on others.
Pondering it all (ruminating, some would term it) .. has brought me to the conclusion ..
There are aging, and/or . just plain needy folks that are grateful, eternally grateful for the help they can get, be that via someone who prides themselves in being a "fixer" . .be that someone who will, work to put in place what services are accessible, . and that person, so grateful .. so needy .. they'll actually utilize said service.
That is not the case, in my world, hasn't been for a long time.
I'm spent. Just toast. I really really am.
Will I come back to some semblance of "me" at some point, I guess .. but as someone else said, my tank is empty. It's bone dry . there is dust accumulating, that's how dry it is. I have nothing left to give at this point, and I don't like the new me. That's not who I've ever known in "me". Don't like it, . but I can't help it.
Am I sorry I won't be there tomorrow to maybe be the voice to bring light to this issue of constipation . and get some resource as to how to approach it. Nope. Am I worried it won't get addressed in the fact, . dad may or may not go there and bring it up . and his wife dam sure won't .. she's a scrambled brain mess .. am I sorry that I won't be on the front to "solve" that. Not one iota. I don't care, (and that's not the *me* I've ever known in me). I don't care.
Yes, CTTN .. that is the case. I spoke clearly to my dad at the outset of all this, that too much exposure to K, un-nerves me, and I don't wish to be a part of that. He pole vaulted over that (and I allowed it) .. in his approach of, "Well, I think maybe some of that hostility you're seeing in her, is that she feels left out, she wants to be made a part of things .. I think if we can include her, .. some of that hostility you're seeing, it'll tamp down some"
So okay .. trusty ole Dorker, .. "ok, we'll see how it goes" . and I cart weekly to chemo and stepmom along. While I'm not having to go retrieve a lost stepmom from the corridors .. as she ambles away . lost. I am ... very much so, in that setting, . trying to . what I call run interference ... her doing what people with dementia do . asking repetitive questions that have already been answered, and running interference, answering myself, repetitively and with patience and calm . so as to tamp down the anger that is sure to burst lose in my dad, at any moment, at his frustration
at his frustration with her. It does, . that anger bursts through and he lashes out at her, and an angry momentarily tirade busts lose. I try to run interference, so as to tamp that down.
My opinion of the whole thing . is that she's doing what people with dementia do . and it's maddening, .. and yes, .. for someone who doesn't feel 100% like my dad .. it's awfully hard to manage and stay calm and patient (not something he was ever known to be, even when healthy).
I tried, ... in the beginning (there's that search engine, the solutions person, the fixer) . tried .. to get them to see the merit .. maybe her daughter come and take her to lunch at the time that she's to accompany to chemo . the daughter's response to that, "Oh Dorker, she won't have it, .. .she's gonna be right there, front and center, calling herself . that she needs to be there, that she has to take care of him .. she can't take care of herself much less anyone else, . but try telling her that .. no I wouldn't even attempt to take her to lunch or come spend time with her, . she'd knock me over to get in the car to get to chemo with him and be there to "help" (yea right).
Her daughter is right.
I tried, .. tried to get her to stay behind ... maybe go to lunch with g'friends ... same result. Tried to encourage that she use that time to take a break from him, I've got this .. I'll take care of him and bring him back .. use this time to take a break, you say he's such a bear to deal with . just use this time to know he's cared for, . it's handled, and relax. Same result as above.
Her daughter is 100% right .. she .. of the old school mentality and firmly entrenched there, her husband is her charge, her responsibility . and she will not back off that . I don't care if she has to crawl to do it. But what she cannot see thru her dementia is that she's useless, she's in fact, a hindrance. But, as her daughter says, "try telling her that". Yup.
So I soldier thru, cart him (and her) to chemo weekly (not this week) .. and put up with that scene . time and again. Like I said, while I'm not having to go bring her back as she aimlessly gets lost wandering corridors, . I am very much trying to run interference in that setting, and tamp down anger and hostility that erupts routinely in my dad who doesn't feel good and has no ability these days . to be patient . and kind. Even I find it incredibly hard to remain calm and kind, and I'm not sick.
This has all so profoundly rocked me. It really has. I'm at a juncture, myself, at this point, that I don't care to help anyone, . no one, at all.
In fact, DD stopped by her briefly yesterday AM to pick up a pair of shoes that L (6 yo) forgot here .. and DD asked me, .. "I need to run to Walmart, can I leave the twins here for a bit while I do that, are you busy".
There was a time, that I'd of told her, . "yes, let me run in the house and put away the papers I have strewn about, as I work my bookkeeping .. put up my paperwork, put the baby gate up, throw on some clothes, give me 5 mins to do that, and yes, bring them in. That time would've been as recent as a few weeks ago.
Not now.
I told her no. The truth . I did have papers strewn about, I did have things that I had to do, inclusive of a small flu clinic for a few hours later . and much to do that was mine to attend to, .. I could've helped her out a bit later ... and said so, but not . a drop everything and help now .. no. And so I didn't. So not like me.
And I didn't even feel bad .
There was a time, that I'd of dropped whatever I had to do to help . and dealt with what is on my radar . at another time ..
That time is not right now. That profound change in me, exhibited in above.
The tank is empty. Bone dry. I can't help anyone . not right now . and I hope one day I can feel better .. and be of help to people. That time is not right now .. I have nothing left to give .. and ..
In fact, . if I were the mom of those twins, I'd hesitate to leave them with me right now. Not because I'm mean and uncaring . but because I'm no one that anyone wants to be around right now, I'm not good company for me, much less anyone else.
It is very much, in me . a sense of .. feeling as though I am everyone's dumping ground. My dad in his inability/unwillingness to get his chit straight on his end .. even though there has been loads of dialogue on it. His failure, inability . to see . what I said, I meant .. I cannot be around her a lot .. she maddens me ... I can't do it. Yet, more important to him that she be made part of things as to tamp down that hostility, supposedly. My boundaries, my needs, .. my wants . as I try to "act" to be helpful, inconsequential.
I think about with MIL .. how sick I am of her poor poor pitiful me plight.
How nice it would be, that these needy folks that surround our hemisphere .. if they were kind . and appreciative. How different would all this look.
Most recently .. I guess .. I'd heard some rumblings from DH . (that I half listen to) . .whereby MIL has made some noise and rattled the cage on the topic, 'ya know I wish I had something to look forward to, I wish I could get out of here and go somewhere .. I've been here for months and haven't left here . .. I wish I could go somewhere".
Harkens back to the days that DD was going to orchestrate getting her out to lunch or here, for dinner, or some such as that, and when Dorker exited that as any plan it fell off the radar.
Again, those rumblings cropping up from MIL's corner.
I guess DH thought it suitable to offer he'd come get her, to take her to church on Sunday morning, and this he shared with me, that he'd offered to his mom and his mom left it open ended in a "We'll see" kinda way . not committing . and so DH imparting he'd check with her throughout the week .. to see if that's something she'd like, he'd go get her, take her to church on Sunday morning.
When he shared that tidbit, here was my response: "she's not gonna do that, h377 DH you used to offer that when she lived at home and wasn't in a wheelchair, .. and she wouldn't take you up on it".
In the end, she did decline, as I knew she would.
But my point in that . is this. DH ... trying to be helpful . which I guess he has to do, to honor what his mom laments as her poor poor plight that she's been there for months and hasn't been anywhere, she wishes she had something to look forward to, would like to get out of there for a something or other. I guess he has to . has to try to honor that and think of a solution .. and that was what he came up with .. and to no avail. I could've predicted it.
We have .. surrounding us . these needy folks . that have their "wants" . and their "wishes" for how things go .. and no real .. as someone else pointed out, basis in reality .. their vision skewed . as to how thing really "are", what reality really is.
And somehow we are charged with the responsibility (if we take it on) . to try to work a solution a resource, a means of .. trying to work it . the problem.
And sometimes it just isn't. There just is no solution . there isn't one. And so that needs to be the resolve. Maybe in the end, . there is no resource, no fix . no solution . yea you're mom is sad, hasn't left there in months .. but it is what it is ..
We have too many people in our radius that are needy and I'm sorry . (I know to expect otherwise from someone elderly and no longer of clear thought, is to expect too much) .. selfish .. they are selfish and fail to at least in any modicum whatsoever, . see what is the impact of their wants/wishes on those who try to help.
And I'm over it. Done.
DD who .. granted, in our "clear the air" discussion .. I guess what she said makes sense. But it still hurts nonetheless.
Asking of her, .. I thought a very insightful question and one that .
One that at least, .. bears looking at ... I asked of her.
Me: So DD, so I can try to understand .. ya know, this isn't the first time we've ended up on the other end of your wrath and you apologizing for behaviors/demeanor that has caused hurt and anger, .. so I can try to understand it . and wrap my head around it some .. can you try to explain to me ... if you can . you have your in laws, in your hubby's folks . they never find themselves on the other end of your wrath ... and you now having to make your way to apologies . what is they are doing right and we are doing wrong, because I'd kinda like to be in their shoes .. can you help me to understand that".
She thought, contemplated momentarily which I thought was good, at least she didn't lash out with some defensive mechanism .. and cause more hurt.
Her answer: "Mom all I know to tell you .. we are close to you and dad and spend a lot of time with you guys, not so with his folks . we don't spend any time with them really .. and so . being in your realm as much as we are, . you guys see the warts and blemishes they don't see . not being around us .. we love you guys, and we spend a LOT of time with you guys, and we want that to continue .. and I wish you could see/feel the hurt in my heart, for knowing the lashing out that I've done and hurt that I've caused, not only to you guys . but to my kids, to my own husband, I am truly sorry . I knew it when I was being ugly . . that it was hurtful and I shouldn't, but I wasn't able to control it .. the only thing I can say is that being around you guys as much as we are, . you guys see it all, the good/bad and ugly".
I guess that makes sense ...
But .. doesn't make it hurt any less. Somehow . on the surface, one would wish .. "ya know, since you are so close to us, and spend so much time with us, shouldn't we be the LAST ones on your list of who you lash out".
Seems it should be that way. But I guess that's not how it works.
The hurt, the selfishness of others in our radius over the last few years .. all of it, .. it has shut me down . and I can feel it.
My dad will go to chemo tomorrow, and whether that issue gets any airplay . I don't care. If he ends up with chitapalooza or other this weekend, and calls out to me . he will hear a lie .. "I have the g'kids" or some other lame something . that negates my willingness . to be that search engine, that resource, that fix it . as to his issues .. and I don't care. I truly don't. To feel no remorse, .. to feel no compunction, me the fixer, to feel no pull/tug ... to try to work a resource, a solution . is different than the "me" I've ever known. And to not care, different than the "me" . I've known. But I don't care.
Poor poor MIL that she has nothing to look forward to, hasn't been anywhere in months .. and stuck there . and her failure to . take what can be offered, a trip to church (she never partook even when she wasn't wheelchair bound, . and to do so now, . get her, .. from a wheelchair, into the car, would be a feat that I'm not even sure is doable, but you go DH . you go with that). She .. failed to take that offer, so how sorry am I that she hasn't been anywhere, and is stuck there, with nothing to look forward to. I don't feel it. I'm done, the tank is empty.
That DD can't . as has always been so the case .. stop by here on a moment's notice, twins in tow, needing coverage for a few .. and drop them here .. I'm not sorry .. the tank is empty. I'm spent. I don't even have anything to offer my beloved g'kids at this point. Yes, they bring a smile to my face, and their joy .. their unbridled happiness at just being 2 yo's .. normally . it brings me immeasurable pleasure .. not these days. I feel .. kinda a sense of .. I'm no one to be around right now . let me alone . let me lick my wounds, so to speak . and don't anyone ask anything of me, and .. I'm quite okay with it ... if you don't like it, deal w/it.
It’s a real thing.
You are hitting the point I was at about a year and a half ago. And I am sorry because it sucks. People don’t realize how the constant caretaking, emergencies, interruptions, time away from your own business/tasks/self-care/friendships... they don’t realize how much all of that wears on you. And with elder care, there is usually more than one in a family, so it hits a point where it seems just unending and hopeless.
The constant and deep compassion required for these situations draws energy from you. And, unlike normal living even with all of its crap, you don’t have the reboot time/opportunity. It is very solitary and isolating, even when shared with a family member.
You feel cynical and cold-hearted and empty. None of which is in your core identity. So then, you can’t find yourself anymore and, frankly, that is scary. You wonder if you are gone forever. If they have sucked all of the your core being right out of you. Then, you feel guilty for that thought because this isn’t their fault. They can’t help getting old and demented. So you resolve to do better, but with less of a gas tank for it, so to speak.
And the cycle continues until you get to where you are now.
Where you don’t want to do ANYTHING for ANYONE ANYMORE. Everything seems like a huge ask. And you don’t know how it is ever going to get fixed.
I wish I had great solutions. I can only share where I am right at this moment because I am still working through this, but I am on the upside of the curve.
I give myself fewer deadlines/pressure than I ever have before. I love the thrill of a good deadline, lol. I always worked in high pressure industries - finance, tech, etc. and I was good at it. But that was another time, and I had to decide to change some of my personality to create a healthier environment. Had to allow the tank to be filled instead of drained to dust;) It is hard, but I am ok with putting in the work.
I now try to be a good friend/family member by listening rather than fixing. I put a lot right back on the person who wants something from me. Especially when it is the people who are draining me. Because you know, I want something left for my friends and loved ones who don’t suck the life out of me, for the people who fuel me and make me smile and give my life color. Those were the people who got laid aside more and more with the triage session that had become my everyday.
I know EXACTLY what you mean when you are just waiting for the next thing. The last 6 months of your posts have felt eerily familiar. And there are almost no words as to how that “state of waiting for the next shoe to drop” affects your mindset.
I am trying to do the things I need for my family’s world right now. Catching up on about 8 years of backlog is overwhelming, especially coupled with multiple estates/belongings to settle, but every box I clean out, every thing I throw out, every cabinet I organize, every piece of paperwork I handle is oddly healing.
I sit and laugh with my teenage kids even when I should be doing something else because laughter is good for the soul and those guys are my heart’s delight. I do yoga for only 10 minutes because it’s exercise and 10 minutes is better than no minutes. But it’s a challenge because I was always one to not think I even worked out until I sweated for a good hour.
Mindset shifts. And itty bitty steps.
I send one friend a quick text to let her know I am thinking about what they are going through, not just my own junk. But then I let go of their issues after the text is sent otherwise I get caught up in wanting to fix the problems of a friend and the stress (small and not mine, mind you) feels like way to much, even though it is nothing.
(Cont)
It does get better. No lie, it is slow going and slim pickin’s:)
But, you will find you again. You are a better person that you were before. It is just hard to see that beautiful forest because you are in the underbrush right now. You have been kind and generous of spirit and loving. You will feel like being those things again. They aren’t gone forever. Just hiding and waiting for you to find some balance.
One quick note on backing away from your dad’s stuff... one thing you can tell him with the driving is that you just aren’t comfortable being responsible for K. No matter what he says that is exactly what happens. She is worse than you thought at the front end of this and now that you have a more accurate picture of the level of her decline, you realize they probably need a trained professional with them. You can meet them there IF he has a caretaker for her so you can focus on him. She goes AWOL in the hallways, for Pete's sake.
He will poo poo it. But I would guess this doesn’t have a whole lot to do with her wanting to take care of him. With dementia, as so many of us have learned the hard way, the person they are with the most is their security blanket. Without your dad, she is scared. That is why his yelling and crabbiness doesn’t make her want to go have lunch with a friend to “get a break from him”. A break from him means she is lost in her own head without a safety net. And that scares her so she will fight that with everything she has. It is a survival thing in her mind and heart.
Very sad, but something only he can deal with and make changes on.
One of my favorite self-help expressions over the past years has been to be an ostrich. (Disclaimer, I only recommend this for the truly burned out... I am not heartless, lol.) Stick that head of yours in the sand and focus on what will lift you up. Unless something truly needs you to think about it or deal with it, you need to let it go in one ear and out the other. Then fill that space in your head with something, ANYTHING, that makes you smile.
Like you defined it so concisely .. he is her security blanket at a time in her life . that she is lost, her mind/brain is lost. She isn't gonna leave his side. Even though he rails at her, . and (h377 if he talked to me the way he talks to her, he'd be out on his ear, cancer dx and all) .. but it doesn't seem to impact her. For the moment it does, she wrings her hands, talks of what a bear he is . so forth. But then she's right back at it, asking the same repetitive questions already answered, .. and flaring dad's temper .. in so doing.
For now, for me, . it's an internal struggle of the knowing . pick yourself up Dorker, . there are folks that have it way worse . count your lucky stars .. and be grateful ... pick yourself up and move along . and be the Dorker everyone knows and loves.
I can't. Don't want to, .. and no .. it isn't as some might define it, . lost in self pity .. not at all. It's lost in .. I have nothing left to give. It's that simple.
For the moment, at least, . not even to my precious angel g'kids who are the light of my world .. normally. I just don't even feel like I can put a smile on my face, not right now . and be joyous .. even in their presence.
I feel kinda like a broken car, that isn't firing on all cylinders. I'm going, .. I'm going forward .. I go to my little job .. I go thru the motions of what needs attending to . as to the house, the bills, the biz .. so forth and I don't mind doing that .. not a bit .. it beats sitting stymied, .. and sloth like.
But I don't have it in me, to care much about anything or anyone else, at present.
And worse yet, .. I don't care, .. that I am broken .at the moment, . like a car that's broken. I just don't care.
Don't even care enough to "fix it" .. it's getting me forward, this broken car .. limping along ... it moves in forward progress .. getting from point A to B .. in the things that need accomplished .. but the periphery stuff . the massive need that surrounds us .. in the old frail folks .. and somewhat even in DD and g'kids .. I just don't care, not right now.
I wouldn't even call it compassion fatigue. I think that came back in my struggles to release myself from the overwhelming MIL need that I was front man to, for far too long. That "fatigue" was seen at that juncture.
I think what you see now is "compassion break". It's broke. It's not even there anymore to be fatigued . it's broken . busted.
What got me in the mess was a perfect storm. I had new responsibilities at work - but the person taking on mine kept putting off taking them on so I was doing the job of two people. My stepmom was putting off making some very needed changes that she promised for my monthly weekend caregiving of my dad to give her a break. My DH was not picking up something he had committed to leaving it on me. My mom was still not getting her @#$# together and hitting me up monthly for rent money.
It got to the point where I was numb and uncaring or would blow up or cry.
My therapist told me that I had given ample notice to these people and that I would be caught up in "one more time" "just this one more time, please" until I chose to break it. And breaking it meant that it had to hurt more for the other folks that it did me.
So, I told coworker "you've had ample time to take this on, I'm done now" and when something dropped and the customer @#$# - my boss called us together and fully supported ME - "you've had ample time - get this together" It had to hurt my co-worker more NOT to take it on than letting it slide on me.
My mom "what do you mean you won't give me money? I'll get evicted!!" and I held firm "you've had ample time to make arrangements and kept promising you would. You need to do so now" She hit up my sister for awhile then sister said no and held firm. Guess what? after two years of promising "last time i'll ask you for money" she has her finances together and is finally living within her means. She did not get evicted but was threatened and that did it. It had to hurt her more NOT to get her finances together than to finally decide she didn't need shopping therapy every week.
My stepmom - I asked if the changes were ready and she said no, hadn't gotten to it. So I told her "you have a big load caring for my dad, but you have had ample time to make the arrangements you promised me. I'm sorry but I'm not able to give you another weekend break until those changes are made" She was in tears and frantic - "I need a get away.... can't you just this once?....." and I said no. Changes were in place within a week. After nearly a year of dithering.
My point - your dad has had ample time to figure out K and he knows you don't want to haul her with you. Do not give him rides to the dr until K is figured out.
You are to the point where those you love are a burden and not a joy. Listen to your exhausted psyche and do as you are doing - it might pinch a bit that DD can't drop off the 2 year olds - maybe it is time the other inlaws, or even, her husband step up. Your dad needs to finally deal with K if he wants your continued help.
Just because those we love do not get their @#$ together does not mean we have to pick up the slack of continue to deal with it. Take a break. Eventually you will recover. But LISTEN to your body and spirit - they've had it. You deserve to be taken care of too (my therapist over and over - reminding me - but it took me awhile to believe it and then to live it)
You are wonderful but exhausted. Do as you are doing and these selfish individuals will figure it out without you.
It sounds like you are doing exactly what you need to now to take care of yourself by backing away from all of the need and just putting one foot in front of the other. You have resigned as the resident firefighter, and trust me, they will all survive. And you'll feel a lot calmer too.
Sitting w/DH this morning, as we routinely do, before he leaves, having coffee.
The same tired subject came up ... one that has been visited and revisited . and I didn't care, . for the 1st time ..I don't care.
Him: "I'm ready to go get that house emptied, .. so past time to get that done, I need that albatross from around my neck, so badly".
(note here - I must be an absolute dismal individual to be around these days . as I have little to say about much right now. Oh I'm interested in football and it's football season . so maybe I pop out with something having to do with an upcoming game .. or .. there is a minor annoyance ongoing in our periphery . not anything that can be resolved, . just an annoyance, and so speaking up on that yet again, but for the most part, I say little . just not real talkative)
DH sounding off again about the house, the dreaded house . it needs to get emptied and disposed of and be done with it. Heard all this before, . countless times.
There was a time when I would .. (and it was as recent as a few weeks ago) . the fixer in me, the solutions person .. I'd of .. maybe tried to justify why it still sits un-emptied, "But your sister has to come", or I'd of .. maybe encouraged "yea, *we* need to find out from your sister when she's coming", .. or I might've, .. maybe since I'm in touch with SIL (though not in the week or so past, as I asked her to discern better what she chooses to land in our laps as to MIL's signifigant and other not significant happenings), I might've even taken that ball and asked her, in conversation . expressing to her, how this is dismaying DH.
I didn't offer anything at all. Not a "I know", .. not a "Talk to your sister", not a "I don't wanna hear it", .. nothing. I said nothing
Because ... I don't care.
That too, . ample opportunity to get that on the radar, . DH has been told . he's aware . his sister needs to be part of that process, .. as to emptying that home.
He's had ample opportunity to reach out to his sister . and get some semblance of a target date, and work around as to . what he thinks he can do in her absence, if anything at all.
I don't care.
It can sit there, as far as I'm concerned, with you having to go back and forth and check on it, . and as he had to do not too long ago, fix the condensate line on the a/c which was leaking in the garage .. so as to not have the a/c burn up and the home not livable when/if SIL ever gets here again. As is on his radar . to get to, at some point, go fix a toilet that has some mechanism broken . that it doesn't flush any longer, as is the case at present, where he does go by periodically . to check and make sure a meteor didn't land in the living room .. so as to have the house occupiable . when/if SIL ever comes again, and it brings him much sadness to walk thru the home that .. to him . is so wreaking of his mom . and his mom's wishes to be right there, .. in that home.
As far as I'm concerned, .. deal with it, don't .. I don't care.
I didn't even have the compunction to respond in any dialogue at all on the topic. Not like me. More like me to offer something of conversation on it.
I don't care.
Yes, I was at the point where I felt if one more person asked me for something, I would murder someone. I avoided people and calls because it was always something. Saying "no, I'm sorry I can't" and holding to it felt so GOOD. I grew hardened to the manipulation and "hurt feelings" etc. "I'm sorry you are upset. I just can't do.....XXXX".
But, no - me hurting someone’s else’s feeling was not why I went radio silent. Not even close.
Clearly, you have misunderstood something in my written word.
Isnt It Ironic? It’s like a black fly in your chardonnay... Oops... wrong thread..!
Regardless. It’s over. Best left in the past. ... and we’re walking, we’re walking...
Yes, there is the very real realization in me, . ya know . there are folks that have it way way worse .. way worse! Get on with it Dorker, you're being ridiculous.
So ya had to go wipe up chitapalooza and spend a night in the ER .. so what, . you'll live.
Yep . it's there.
Those beautiful g'kids that I so adore, . what'd they ever do to ya? Not a dam thing .. but be little ones .. so soldier up Dorker, .. get on with life.
It's there, the sense of kicking someone in the rear .. get up and get on with it.
I don't know if those in my periphery .. even give a rat's behind that I am not so available at the moment, and if they do . fine . if not . that's fine too.
It's such a strange place to be. Me, .. who almost anyone who knows me, would define as being helpful, resourceful, . .etc. I'm not that person . at the moment. Not to anyone. I can't be.
What'd your g'kids do to ya? Not a thing .. and I hope it doesn't damage any bond/relationship built there, . in my being so absent .. which is contrary to what has been their short little lives, a pretty constant presence. But .. to even be called upon at this moment . to watch them and them needing juice, or a diaper change . or engaged with .. played with .. it just feels like work. Not the joy it felt like .. just a week or so ago. It just feels like work, right now.
C'mon Dorker, you're doing the same thing that you find so not palatable in DH . in his falling into pits of despair at his mom's demise .. you're doing the same thing .. as to his demise . pull yourself up ... don't let it get to ya.
Nope .. I don't even care at this point, to fight it. Not even a little.
C'mon Dorker, you let it get to ya with the MIL and her poor poor pitiful plight . that gets so much airplay ... what do you expect, she's an old person with little to look forward to, where's your compassion .. get on with it.
Nope it's not there. And I don't care.
C'mon Dorker, . your dad is dreadfully ill and he just doesn't have it in him to fight with his scrambled eggs for brains wife .. as to . what she can and cannot be a part of . he's just too weak . and sick, to fight her .. pull yourself together Dorker.
Nope . just don't care.
In each of the above situations I've offered, countless times, what I think as viable solutions and none of the above care to avail themselves of same .. and that's okay they don't have to ...
But their not having to do, refusing to do it . and my taking on what is theirs to own . it has left me changed, at least for now .. I hope it comes back, the caring .. compassionate, resourceful person I've always known myself to be. But at this point, I just don't even care to find it .. takes more energy and resolve than I care to muster.
I will do the things that bring me solace .. and nothing more. At least for now.
What wonderful advice! I love this way of putting it.
I can't help but focus on Dorker's father. This man doesn't deserve her help, after the way he treated her while growing up and the way he continued to put her on the periphery of his life. His selfishness has continued, as he routinely expected Dorker to breach her boundaries (and she did it). I'm glad she's refusing to ask, "How high?" when he now expects her to jump. He won't ever put his affairs in order, I don't think (never mind his "6-month plan"; he probably doesn't HAVE 6 months). He's not destitute; he has assets and can take care of himself. He wouldn't listen to Dorker that she couldn't be K's handler. And when the chit fit the fan (literally!)? Who does he call? Doormat Dorker.
I am SO GLAD that you are finally repeatedly telling your father NO, Dorker.
At least it is better. Still not myself. Still don’t have a whole lotta give a crap, lol. But more than before.
So, onward and upward.
And Dorker, it is ok to not care for a while. That was kind of what I was getting at. Just don’t let that feeling of not caring be one.more.thing that drags you down. No guilt.
Some would say of it, .. "so what else is new, they've always sniped at one another".
True enough.
But . .the being around that was .. for many a year
A) Limited, didn't see a whole lot of them through the years
B) One can stand on their head if they have to, in limits of *sure is unpleasant to be around the two who snipe at each other*, but one knows . oh it's just a bday get together, won't see em again for months.
C) She didn't have dementia, ergo . rendering her unable to process that which is going on around her, and asking repetitive question that have already been answered numerous times
D) Dad didn't have cancer, weakening him
E) Dad didn't have cancer, and his weakened state . further negating his ability at much in the way of patience, . ergo . snapping at her horribly, repeatedly.
Some have said, . as in YD . as she has watched this ...
"So what mom . they've always sniped at one another, that's their problem, not yours".
Yep . easy to say. Go live it, be in it, watch it, try to run interference to stop it .. not so easy.
And then . go wipe up smeared chit .. in every corner, gagging . trying to do so, while listening to the above sniping and barking ongoing.
I keep replaying in my mind .. the one particular aspect as to the missing walker. That was too much for her, . she who ... would rather I just back right on out of all this . afterall, he's her husband, I'm an intrusion . not wanted there (at least by her) . and .. I mean ... ask her, . she's got this (she doesn't), she can handle it.
That missing walker scene.
That is a lot for her to process/comprehend and deal with . the mere fact that this person she considers somewhat of an intrusion . because of her broken brain . I mean . afterall, she successfully kept me and mine . on the periphery of their lives for decades ... .and she's got this (yea right).
So here we sit in the hospital ER . missing walker, and it is worry priority #call the prez and have him put his finger on the trigger of WW. Her so absolutely sure it was there, on site, she'd seen it . yet couldn't take me to where she saw it, I tried that .. she might as well have been asked to walk around Greece and find something .. a place she's never been. She was sure it was there. The staff hadn't seen it, .. dad sure it was on the ambulance itself . riding around rescuing folks from whatever other maladies exist out there.
The problem now is to dial down on where is the blasted confounded walker, it's not there, obviously . none of the staff have seen it. So . by GOLLY it's looking like I"m gonna have to dial down on how in the world do I find what rescue .. of the hundreds operated here locally, actually transported him out of what fire station of the dozens or more that operate in this city .. I'm gonna have to try to dial down on that, at this hour . like 12:30 AM . and go drive there to retrieve the blasted thing.
Before I do that, let me at least make sure the rescue staff didn't just toss it aside, . there at their house, maybe it never was on the rescue unit to begin with . let me at least get that figured out.
Only way to do that, is to drive there, there's no other person(s) available to go there, and peek in their house, nor access to do it. So let me do that.
The above, . the whole thing . is a whole lot of "process" for someone who doesn't think clearly . .someone who considers this person she wishes would just go away .. somewhat of an intrusion on that which .. She's got this . she can handle this, this is HER husband . she's gonna take care of him.
And the ugliness that ensued. Me simply asking for the keys, to drive to their home at that hour, to see if that blasted/confounded walker was accounted for, left behind by rescue personnel.
The difference between .. selfish and not selfish.
A person who is appreciative that Dorker has given up her night to sit in the ER with them and help sort thru and act as mouthpiece, ... as I was asked to do .. would be that Dorker would be . trying to sort thru how to find the blasted confounded missing walker, and suggest that she . Dorker . drive to the house to find it . and that appreciative person . might consider that an awful lot of trouble, and "I hate for you to have to go that trouble", but then be grateful that Dorker is willing .. and hand over the keys with maybe a thank you and I'm so sorry .. I hope it's there.
Or the unappreciative .. as was seen. Her arguing . that it's not there, it's here . I've seen it here . (no you haven't, nor has staff, they've been asked) ... it's not here .. her arguing . "well if it's there, then it's on the front porch . that's where they put you on the gurney .. they'd of left it on the front porch .. why do you need keys".
To the point, dad . in his weak and frail voice that doesn't carry far, . thunders at her, "K, give her the G'dam keys ... let her go check . we have to have the thing!", him thundering at her, and her now shaking the keys at me demonstrative like . to the point I wanted to throw them on the floor and tell the both of them, figure it out your dam selves and get up and walk out and get in my car and go home and get in my own bed.
But no .. I'm dealing with someone who has dementia .. she isn't processing what is all involved here, as to dialing down on the missing walker, . it's more than she can work thru . and in the end . I'm an intrusion to her anyway . so she's gonna see this as more meddling and un-needed involvement on my part, . afterall she's got this . he's her husband . her charge/her responsibility .. and she's got this.
Shakes the keys at me, in a kind of demeanor of .. "yes please go rob us blind . and pillage our home, you n'er do good you!".
Instead I just did what had to be done, and drove there, found the walker there, brought it back with me, and cast it aside, her demeanor, her behaviors .
But cumulatively ... all of it .. and not just the dad and stepmom scene . cumulatively with all of it that has gone on . it has all pushed me to the wall at this point. Just done.
What is it exactly, is it because we are Women, Mothers, burnt out caregivers, anticipatory grief, Grief? We get to this point of "I'm Done" and I don't have anything left to give, I just cannot care about one more thing? I wish I knew, and the "getting over it part" is just as mystifying to me, as I still don't think I'm there yet, nearly 2 years after the fact of our last parent dying.
Our kids are all right, grandkids too. The old man died, and it took nearly a year with my husband's constant badgering to get me to a place where I was ready to sell our home, to downsize as was always our plan, but the knowing that first we needed to clear our home of 34 years of "stuff" and ready it for sale was all too much for me to wrap my brain around, I had nothing left to give.
And so finally, a year later, I agreed to sell, ready the house, sell it, pack up and move, live with my sister for a couple of months, buy a new place, move (again!) into it, unpack and pretty it up hemorrhaging cash, uggg, tired and exhausted, and still I don't feel like I have returned to my previous enjoyment of life, when will it return? Things are back on track, but my spirit has yet to return, can it really take this long?
Not to be a Debbie Downer (surprise surprise! Lol!), But What is it, I wish I knew! And for me personally, a lot of people want to slap on the label of Depression, but I'm not one who wants to medicate for a sx that I do not completely understand, and am more of the party who wants to ride it out, it Should come back naturally, shouldn't it? I for one have fixed everything there is to fix, and I'm not even saying that I don't enjoy my life, but it is that feeling, that lifting of the fog, that I finally have the ways and means, but I don't have caring about even Wanting to, my spirit is still broken, my get up and go has got up and left. I miss it!
I'm a big proponent of "time heals all wounds", but Damn, what's taking so long? Any idea's, and with the holidays and Winter fast approaching, now what? I'm over it.