I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
When I got there, and pulled into the parking spot .. I saw ... stepmom and her daughter .. and obvious .. somehow step sister summoned . or volunteered, I really don't know, didn't ask.
Remember, .. I'd begged off having (lied) that I have to work. And I assumed that meant his wife (who does drive him to lab appts . and does drive, to the grocery) . would be the one to cart him. Guess not. I don't know how step sister got onto the scene, and doesn't matter to me really, thus I didn't ask. They got dad into his portable wheelchair, . and off we all went, to the results of the PET scan (see above) and consultation with Oncology . and chemo tx, . at which I left, to "go to work".
Next two weeks, . not a lie (I have a lab appt for me, .. as in my own lab work due, and the following week a doc visit for me to follow up), so won't be available, and said as much . and that is true, not a lie.
Good news, that the tumors are dissipating (some). And nothing new found in the way of any spread. So that was good news.
It has all left him really pretty frail and weakened. I did ask, why the wheelchair, .. are you not using your walker anymore. Yes, he does use the walker, he told me, but . for the sake of expediency and so forth (I guess they thought it best) . they did wheelchair yesterday as to getting him to and fro. So be it.
He did ask, there at the doc office, as to getting a HHA assigned, . as to hygiene . it's getting to be too hard for him to "stand" for any length of time, too weak. Needs help bathing. It was explained to him .. and makes sense to me, not so sure it was computed on his and his wife's end. In order for insurance to pay for a HHA . .there has to be in practice, already . and they will order same, ongoing PT .. they won't assign HHA without a "skill" already engaged. I get that. Point being, we need you to work to get stronger so that you can do your ADL's . and the way to achieve that . is via some PT.
Dad .. vehemently opposed to PT .. as he describes himself so weak (and he is) .. but as I tried to explain to him . "PT doesn't mandate you get up and run laps... they can do things like have you lift leg weights, range of motion, from your chair .. it doesn't have to be grueling .. and you don't want more atrophy . you really need to let them assign PT to the scene . not on days you have chemo, not on days you have to go for lab work, .. but time it appropriately around those events and yes, . let PT come and work with you, to at least not have you weaken further".
Not sure it was "gotten", mentally.
So be it. Said my piece, . do what you will. They turn down a PT assignment, that will in turn negate any HHA to the scene, so be it. Let the powers that be argue that point.
What's so very telling in me, .. I've seen all this, walked this walk .. a time or three or four . and so .. I just don't get all that engaged anymore, physically or emotionally. Say my piece, then return to my life .. that's how it's gonna go.
If I were SIL .. as I watched it all, with her mom and was her legs on this end, and her brain trust on this end, as to her mom .. I'd of been hopping to, to go bathe my dad myself .. a few times a week and/or assigning daughters to the task . and .. fighting the bureaucracy to get that HHA absent the PT required. Nope . .. been to this rodeo . not doing it.
It's all so very telling to me, watching it all, having been there/done that. They had a
Terribly hard time yesterday (something that seems to be getting harder each time) finding a vein to start the infusion. Talk of doing a port (something he would rather not have to resort to). Terribly hard time, . had sent in two who were supposedly the "really good ones" at that, and neither could get it done, by the time I left there.
They ask, of course, .. "how much water do you drink". One needs to be, it helps anyway, . well hydrated.
I happen to know the man doesn't ever drink water . if he can help it. Coffee is his beverage of choice, . and as we know coffee is a diuretic . it's not really gonna suffice, as to hydration. In answer to, .. "how much water do you drink?", . you hear him answer, . "oh I drink coffee pretty much all day". You then hear them . with the dialogue on how coffee isn't gonna suffice, and why. He then will say . something he calls himself doing, to try to piece together the hydration piece on it .. is that he keeps a cup of gatorade by his bed at night, to sip on. You hear them then, .. "well Gatorade is good, as far as hydrating you, how much are you drinking". Well, . he'll then describe the little juice cup that sits by his bed . and likely he takes a few sips .. at night . but other than that, it sits unconsumed.
There again, . very telling as to me, and my approach. Talking to him . after staff leaves, yet again, unable to find a vein .. "dad . you have to .. have to, have to . drink the day before, . get yourself a huge water bottle, ... and drink it, . sip it. .. put down the coffee, at least for the day before you go to chemo .. and drink that water, when it's empty . .fill it again, and drink it . you have to".
Therein is the sum of my input too on that topic. Done.
Will he do so? Likely not. So will that resort in the end, in the port that he doesn't want. Out of my control.
Unlike, . as I once was a sounding board to SIL on this very issue as regards to her mom (and lack of adequate hydration) . no . I'm not rushing out trying to find some kinda timer or Alexa or something, that can be set to remind him . every 20 mins . take a sip of water .. nope. Not trying to spin my tops and whirligigs to answer to it all. Not gonna do it.
And I'm A-okay with it.
Maybe some people are born c'givers and there's just gotta be a whirligig to throw at every problem and we'll just find it. And maybe some are not .. born c'givers, and are quite content to say their piece, walk away and the realization . "yea, you just wasted your breath, not gonna happen" and know it, and be okay with it.
And his wife . yea, if in her right mind, . she's not . she's bat chit crazy .. she could be of help to hydrate him . to remind him. That too, not gonna happen. She won't remember. So be it.
I did feel bad, for the Oncologist at one point (and I did, behind the scenes . later .. go and provide my input on the topic, to staff).
It went about like this . her explaining to us . that the radiology report read . blah blah as to centimeters on tumors and a reduction .. and giving said measurements . and that she . .herself . oncologist . doesn't rely solely on that, but also on the pics themselves .. as one radiologist and their read . and another can differ .. as to how they measure.
First off, this is far too much process for someone who is bat chit nutz to even process and compute. And as would be figured, . her asking questions . questions that really, in the end . don't matter and are somewhat now repetitive . and useless, .. and you could sense the Oncologist's .. I dunno .. a bit of annoyance at having to repeatedly answer that which has already been answered, about six different way and still being asked. I did feel sorry for her, lost in the trap of dealing with someone who doesn't compute well.
I did, in the end, go and have a word on the sly, they might want to note that his wife has Dementia ..
If it means gearing answering to her, in any different kind of way. They said they'd do so. Whatever, even on that front, done what I can.
Got them to ask for a handicap app placard and stepsister took that, . to deal with it . after stepmom . causing a bit of an issue on that front, thinking it not necessary . they can walk, walking is good for them. W.H.A.T.E.V.E.R. She doesn't compute that walking . distances . is not good . not for him. I asked the doc if they have those, if not . (the app for same with the DMV) if not I have it on PDF and will email it to their office, for completion and she did, the Oncologist pulled it right out of the drawer . and signed it and handed it over, at which stepmom . wanted to pushback . but .. got that answered to.
So that was the AM . I left . to (lying) go to work. Went on with my afternoon, which was work, just not flu clinic assignment work.
Then last night, .. DH came in from work, .. I'd picked up a day or so . MIL likes those snack crackers (afterall remember, the food there is so bad . and she's not eating) . I'd been at the grocery and picked up another box of those assorted crackers and had those waiting for DH to take to his mom, next trip that way . as well as a jumbo size bag of mini hershey candy bars . she loves chocolate. So that had all been sitting waiting for DH's next trip that way, .. and we'd had chicken salad for dinner last night, from a favorite place that sells it . and there was some left over, . he asked if he could take it to his mom (who also loves chicken salad) . and yes, .. I made a plate for him to take . and take it to his mom . and the candy and the crackers, and off he went.
He got back from what sounds like a terribly depressing visit with his mom.
I usually tell him . "nope . not .. can't listen to all this DH go get yourself some help to sort thru all this" . but this time I listened.
Her with the . and I'm just chalking it up to at this point . we all get down in the dumps and have to have someone to vent to . and so maybe today is a better day .. let's hope .. but her with the whole
I hate this place, and I don't want to be here
I'm just here to die
I've been dumped here by SIL who has gone on with her life
I resent SIL . that she didn't retire and move here to care for me like she was supposed to have done at one point
This is no life
I sit here . just waiting to die
I can't walk anymore
I think about suicide, and how can I just end it
You have guns don't you DH
The above and more, . and lamenting why does't OD come to see her . and questioning that piece of it all.
On that latter part, . I don't know what to say except that OD has her own emotional/mental health demons she battles and that's the truth .. it is absolutely 100% true in her. The last time (which was months and months ago) that OD did go see her g'mother . it was this fatalistic .. it's like she knows OD well . and knows that OD has fought her own suicidal ideations thru the years . and so that's what she sees in OD and so talks of that whole thing with OD . and at least at this point in her own life (MIL's) . that's where she was, herself, at that point, and gets there herself, at times nowadays . and so she sees in OD .. someone who understands the desperation of wanting to die, life isn't worth living . and even asked of OD at that visit, "so how would you have killed yourself if you'd of done it, because I've thought of trying to do that too" ..
This whole dialogue . took OD to a dark place she doesn't like to go. I can understand that . and so I don't put any expectation on OD to go see her g'mother ..
Personally . I don't see her as a resource for MIL ... not when that is the demeanor you may run into in visiting MIL . not OD . she isn't of the makeup and emotional well being on her own, to be much of a counter balance to any of it . and it also takes her to a dark place that she fights hard to stay out of. I don't
I don't push OD to go see her g'ma . I never even bring it up. Purposely.
I shared that (once again) with DH . who is aware that had transpired months back . and that OD has a problem visiting her g'ma for those reasons.
He asked me this morning, knowing I'm going to meet OD for lunch today . "ask her why she won't go see her g'ma".
I wanted to scream .. and pull my hair out ..
I told you why she doesn't go see her, . you want her to go . you tell her.
I simply answered, . "you know why she doesn't go see her . you talk to her about it, if you want" and I walked off.
GAWD ................. why is it I see it so clearly . and I'm surrounded by those who do not. Just because your mom is sad . and despondent at her plight at this juncture in her life, does not then mean . she gets to bring others down with her, and others . in this case . are OD who has her own emotional demons she fights . no . if she doesn't want to go see her, she's an adult . she doesn't have to. Period.
And .. as I told DH . of the other complaints ..
This is no life, being one of them.
My response: "Same as she said countless times sitting staring out the bank of windows in her kitchen at a b'yard .. and lamenting . this is no life .. ".
DH: "Yea, but I can't keep pointing it all out to her, I just listen".
On the piece about, .. SIL has moved on with her life, . dumped me here and moved on . she was supposed to have retired and moved here to take care of me. (MIL's right, that was the plan . supposedly . eons ago . and that changed . SIL decided . for whatever their reasons . they did not want to sell and move here, so be it . their lives).
On that piece of it all: "DH . your sister tried, does your mom not remember that .. I don't think she does .. I mean . your sister was willing . so she said .. that she'd spend six months here . your mom in her care, and six months there . caring for her mom . she was willing . she tried .. .but your mom absolutely refused to ever return to IL ever again .. absolute refusal . said she'd never get on a plane again to return to IL . that isn't fair to your sister, to her husband . that they be asked to give up their lives they enjoy in IL . and his family which all live nearby in the midwest . and them uproot . that isn't fair . does your mom have any ability to recognize and acknowledge that".
DH: "No not really, she's just in a really dark place right now, . asking me if I have guns .. well h377 yea I have guns . but you aren't gonna get your hands on em"
Me: "Maybe she needs to be in a psych ward where she can get the help she needs . emotionally DH".
DH: "Nah . she's just .. we all get down and out and depressed . she has to have someone to vent to . she even said that to me, that she's sorry for dumping all this on me, but she has to have someone to talk to".
ME: "Well that's simply not true that her daughter has *dumped* her there and gone on with her life. Her daughter tried .. she had her in her care up in IL for 5 months and it was too much . prior to that, she had to extend a stay here . because your mom fell and hurt her back . and your sister who had every intention of departing here . had to extend her stay to care for your mom here in her home . it''s not realistic that your mom feel like she shouldn't have to be there in that site .. she needs far too much help . your sister tried . she can't do it".
DH: "I know . and I told mom that, . that we all tried . it was too much, for all of us, but she doesn't remember the whole thing . she just doesn't".
Yep you're right, she doesn't remember that she wouldn't eat, wouldn't take her meds, was falling . was sick all the time . .. she doesn't remember that it was "no life" staring out her kitchen window daily ....
So .. yea, mixed bag yesterday. All in all.
I'd personally meddle with OD/ MIL situation and give her the heads up that DH may call her to ask her to visit MIL. I've told my own kids when I knew a similar guilt trip was about to be unloaded for them, "look, soandso is going to want you to do this. However, this is your choice alone and you should not feel pressured to do that. If it were me, I'd stand my ground and let my no be a no." Let her know that you stand behind her whatever decision she makes.
So be it.
I could, if I cared to do so (I don't) .. alert SIL to the fatalistic dialogue . and see if she cares to take the ball and run w/it . as to an increase in her AD . if warranted . but .. not gonna.
Between DH and SIL. If he doesn't think it alarming enough to raise a flag .. I won't either.
And yes, that's a good approach as to OD ... I am to meet her today (should be interesting, she is vegan . wants us to go to an all vegan restaurant she's found and so loves .. I am not a vegan, but I'll try anything at least once). Good approach .. I'll let her know my stance, . which is . do whatcha want .. I'm A-okay whatever you wanna do . but here it comes, the push/pull/tug . to go see g'ma . it's coming your way, be on notice.
Likely OD is one of those. And you can't change her, or shame her or do anything to make her go see gma if she doesn't want to. End of story.
I've been amazed at the lack of 'love' that my own family has shown me during my cancer battle. Yes, I look like Uncle Fester (put on a black turtleneck the other day and caught glimpse of myself in the mirror--WOW, you cannot fake up a look like that (and no, I am not dressing as such for Halloween).
My MIL was released home yesterday. DH was home from work by 7. He had "forgotten" about the move back home and worked right through the time he'd told J he'd be available. She is such an angel, she just says "Oh, it was fine".
Well, it's not and I DID say to him, after dinner, 'you need to call your mother tonight and see what's going on--what you can do.'
Got on his phone/TV time and computer games at 7 pm and did not call her. He is beyond terrified to get involved in this. I asked about the 4 hr per day care he's supposed to provide and he said "I have so much work I can't keep my head above water, how am I supposed to do that?" I didn't say it, but I thought it "Take her dinner and spend the night. You sure as heck aren't helping ME!" He would never, ever, ever in all eternity do that--soooo, seemingly a good plan, but one he'd never 'do'.
I did tell him that if they are going to hire out, he should be a part of the process--but he said he wouldn't know what to do. I WORKED in elder care and I told him what to look out for. Finally I said "I will call J myself and offer to make 3-4 meals a week that can be frozen or that can last. MOW is so nasty. She won't allow me to do anything else and I am not allowed in her home. I'm sure she'll turn down my offer, but my heart is broken that my DH is so offhand about his mom (much as your DH was/is) There's some sick old dynamic going on there, and I think we'll never solve it, either you or me.
So many moving parts and people----I for one will be glad when I am not 'toxic' and have some energy so I can stop feeling like a burden. Maybe my MIL will bend and allow me to provide some healthy meals. DH thinks if he picks up a burger, mom will be fine. She needs balanced, healthy meals and he can only cook a burger or eggs.
I think our situations are so similar, although you, Dorker are ever so much tougher than I am.
The news about your dad is mixed---if this is "life" for him, then good for him. His chemo sounds just hellish. And, yes, the chemo causes the most awful constipation. He has to stay hydrated, and he's not going to change. My FIL was the same, the only thing he ever drank was coffee, all day long.
What are WE going to be like when we hit 75, 80? My DH is already and old fart, acc to the kids, I don't look forward to him getting crabbier...were did the vibrant young man I married GO? I don't see a single trait in him that drew me to him. He had a wonderful sense of humor and now he just rants and raves about politics all day and how much his life sucks.
Btw, we dont even see a lot of OD (a loner thru & thru).
I did give her a heads up there may be a guilt trip coming her way. Explained the situation, reflected back to her prior visit months back and the fatalistic demeanor she encountered is ... or was yesterday evening ... present in MIL who is asking why she never comes to see her.
Felt bad for her.
OD: I really do need to visit her, especially before I start this 2nd job I'm taking on. I really really wont have time once I start my 2nd job. Its just so hard to see YOUR GRANDMOTHER with that kind of emotion, its hard ...I do love her, but those are emotions I fight every day .. some days worse than others ... being around it makes my struggle worse.
ME: do what works for you, just giving you a heads up ... if you dont think you can be around it, I support you, I understand.
And that was it, on that topic.
I almost hope she doesnt go visit. Its not good for her well being.
She's an adult and will have to decide that for herself.
I mean DH . has a proclivity to "ignore" all but his mom's happiness or lack there of, . i.e. the whole thing this morning "you're going to lunch w/her today . ask her why won't she go see her g'ma".
HE KNOWS WHY ................... it got talked about just last night, not to mention the few months back ago . it's been since she's been there, and why. HE KNOWS. Chooses to ignore it . I mean afterall . his mom is so unhappy . we must all hop to the ring of fire, to see what can be done to alleviate that.
Ignore the fact that OD has her own mental frailties and struggles and it brings her to a place that isn't good for her, emotionally, to be subject to it, . ignore that.
So I think I will leave it alone . but I will tell DH if it comes up again, . "ya know, it's hard for OD . your mom's nihilistic outlook, it makes it a real struggle for her, . she's not real adept at being able to counter it . maybe you offer to pick her up . and take her with you to visit .. that might work out better . that way you can counter some of that demeanor in your mom . and hopefully it not bring OD to a not so good place".
See how much he'll worry about OD not going to visit her g'ma . when the onus is on him to help facilitate it. I Like that plan.
And on the other front with it all, . I guess his mom imparted to him that she wants to go to _____________seafood shack for her 90th bday (november).
___________Seafood Shack .. lemme tell ya .. they have been grandfathered in as to ADA requirements, they have none.
There is no way in God's green earth to get a wheelchair into that bathroom ..
Most public places have to comply with ADA standards . but if it's an established restaurant . they are exempt until .. they go to remodel or something . and then they have to upgrade ..
This place cannot accommodate a wheelchair in the bathrooms. They are tiny little two hole stalls . partitioned by particle board .. it's a seafood "shack" in every sense of the word. Splendid food .. but the ambiance . ugh . not so great.
A favorite restaurant and has been for all of us . for decades .
But we've never had to contend with anyone in a wheelchair there.
DH threw that one out there (much like DD did months back about wanting to get MIL outta there for a lunch out . and I backed out of it, .. saying . "sounds great, you guys ought to do that" . and when I wasn't at the helm figuring out where is an ADA bathroom and so forth . it never came to fruition).
DH threw that one out there, this morning . ."She wants to go to _____________seafood shack for her 90th bday . .that's what she wants".
I only responded: "Sounds like a really bad plan to me .. I don't know how you deal with it, if she has to go to the bathroom . there is absolutely nowhere in that tiny bathroom that would fit a wheelchair".
A look of a deer caught in the headlight from DH . and nothing further said.
Again .. I will back right out of that one. Sure, it would be grand if we could take her where she'd wanna go . a family favorite for decades . but the practicality of it .. it's not there. I'll back right on out of it .. my thoughts .. "choose a different setting where you know it's not a problem to get a wheelchair in and out of a bathroom" but I'm staying out of it. . .let him orchestrate it.
It won't happen, more than likely.
And then there is the whole piece about how to even get her navigated into and out of a car . she's so unsteady .. that hasn't been attempted . at all. He did offer to go get her, to take her to church (she declined).
The only time she has left Purgatory since she got there, has been on a medical transport for doc visit with staff accompanying . and in that case, the wheelchair rolls right on up to the ramp, the ramp lifts and she rolls it into the van .. not so with our personal vehicles.
So . .. I can't imagine how all this will pan out.
Neither my sister nor I (both in our 60s) have great upper body strength, but we took our very elderly parents out to appointments, restaurants, sister's house, scenic drives, and to stores. Mom could bear weight and pivot to get in and out of the car, and could use a walker for short distances. Dad couldn't stand, but his therapist taught us how to use a transfer board to help him into and out of the car.
After a little practice, I felt confident taking either parent out by myself. Dad enjoyed using a store's motorized cart, but if there were none, I pushed him in a wheelchair. Always used a wheelchair for Mom, and kind of draped her walker over the wheelchair handles when we went to a mall. She needed help in the restroom and we always carried a couple Depends in a pretty tote bag.
Taking your MIL out would probably require taking both a wheelchair and her walker to use for the restroom, if necessary. I found returning Mom to her facility immediately after a meal gave her sufficient time to use her own bathroom.
Obviously Grandmother isn't firing on all cylinders to even think that would be healthy for her. Gma needs to be talking to a Professional about her thoughts, and as others have mentioned, she may need to up her antidepressant medications, and or be on some kind of anxiety meds, though I know they are not always reccomended for the elderly. If she is just looking for sympathy, it is a very cruel way to go about it, but there's that broken brain again I suppose.
I like the idea of bringing the Seafood Shack food to her for her 90th birthday, kills 2 birds with one stone, have a picnic party outside!
Sorry your Dad isn't feeling so hot! Was hoping for bigger improvement from his Chemo treatment. So many complications in your life at the moment, hopefully you can get away real soon!
Oh boy! The rage I would feel if my husband wanted to do that to my daughter who also happens to be a loner.
I can just see everyone sitting there looking at each other when it was time to help MIL to the bathroom...it would be like a game of chicken. Who would blink first and help MIL in the bathroom?
The obvious only solution is what's already been mentioned -- bring the Seafood Shack to MIL.
How were you able to get your father's doctors to add that K has dementia to his chart? While her confusion is obvious, they should have noted that. You aren't a blood relative of K's, after all.
Sounds like your father is going to be getting a port, since he can't/won't drink to he stays hydrated. I wonder if he will still be alive in 3 months, or, if he is, what condition he will be in. You are doing a fabulous job in maintaining boundaries with him now!
I mean, DH and his laments that his poor poor mom shouldn't be relegated to this God Forsaken place to live out her last days so miserable and unhappy. Okay so what's the "practical solution" DH? There isn't one. The "want" to get her out and about, bring a ray of sunshine to her day .. in a trip out. Okay so what's the solution?
Perhaps it's possible, with a transfer bench to navigate into and out of a car seat . I don't know .. maybe that's a possibility .. explore it .. it isn't gonna happen by magic fairies that's for sure.
The whole taking her to that favorite seafood shack (a family favorite for decades), yes . that would bring a ray of sunshine to her life to get to go on that kinda outing (if it doesn't depress her worse .. in the whole reminder of going there, what life used to be, and now I have to go back to "that GOD FORSAKEN" place, and that's a likelihood, IMO). Yes, it would be nice if she could live out her days in her own home, happy and able bodied . yes it would be nice if she could experience an outing in a favorite place and a meal out. BUT THAT PLACE . . should be, to anyone realistically viewing options . off the running as to any destination. Yes, .. food is great there, the rustic shack atmosphere .. right up our alley, yes, yes yes .. but .. the bathrooms folks!
A game of chicken is right. There would be absolutely no way to bathroom in that establishment, can't happen for those who are bound to a wheelchair. I don't know when I've even seen . of the hundreds of times I've eaten there, someone in a wheelchair to be honest. Unfortunate, because all proprietors should be doing what they can to make their sites accommodating to those with special needs. But for whatever reasons this place hasn't seen fit to upgrade . and so it's a bad bad bad idea to even consider that.
But I'm the naysayer here (realist).
I think .. (hope) .. her daughter intends to be here in town, for the time frame encompassing what will be her mom's 90th bday. I think that will be a splendid thing for he and his sister to put their brains together to figure out how to make it happen . an outing for her bday.
I don't begrudge her that .. I think it's a grand idea, if doable .. I do (unless it brings about sadness in the reminder of what life used to be, and we don't know yet what it will bring) .. I think outside of that issue, it can be a grand thing . to get her out and about . but .. dang guys .. can ya put your heads together and "think" .. think about the fact that the place you're referring to .. the bathrooms barely fit a human that can navigate on their own . much less someone who has to transfer out of a wheelchair, .. that is NOT a good idea, not at all.
Says the naysayer, negative nelly (realist).
And on the front with OD ..
DH did ask this morning did I talk to OD about why she won't visit her g'ma, told him I did, and it was brief and what was said, . suggested as I read here ... "hey a good idea, .. it's really really hard for her to counter all that kinda demeanor . it really is . she just isn't emotionally equipped to process it .. she just isn't . and I get that, and told her I do .. but ya know . maybe if you at some point wanna go pick her up and visit with your mom . then YOU can act as counter balance should that kinda dialogue crop up".
DH: Yea, possibly . that might work .. .*but I don't need a bunch of reminders sent to me, it'll happen or it won't . don't be sending me reminders*.
<I'm notorious for texting him reminders .. *you have a doc appt on Tuesday at 10 AM, don't forget*, that kinda thing>
So yea .. no thanks from him for reminders as to upcoming important issues to attend to . yea
yea, okay .. whatever. But not only that, .. translation .. "don't bug me about getting OD on the scene, via me picking her up", ... I just wanted my mom to be happy . and to achieve that, .. it would've meant that OD actually go on her own .. and be dam&ed whether it's good for her emotionally to be in that setting .. it's all about what my mom needs/wants. That's my translation.
As I responded to that, . "oh I won't send you reminders . it's just an idea .. take it or leave it, . a way for your mom to get a visit w/OD who she's said she wishes would come see her .. a way to achieve that, and hopefully not compromise OD's well being in the process, just an idea".
These last few years of all this have been the toughest time of my life .. weathering all this, . really has. And while it has eased up some . in the fact, that I stepped off the front lines of managing and running myself ragged in her needs/wants . it continues to this day in the sadness and sullen demeanor found in DH . and his mom's plight . the constant non stop barrage of problems that is a daily occurrence in the whole saga .. and hearing about it (she didn't get to the salon, they've now gone to restorative PT instead of going to the PT room . .. she hates that .. the food there is horrible, she's miserable, doesn't wanna be there, .. the roomie talked ugly to her) . it's non stop .. and that part .. all continues in earnest . to this day.
It is a source of much problem in me, . in my own well being . surrounded by the constant barrage of all that's wrong with the universe because MIL's world isn't precisely as she would have it be.
I try to keep it all at a length of a 10' pole . but it finds me .. no matter. And the whole piece, . ."she wants to go to soandso for her bday" .. and that soandso site, ,not at all suitable . but no one seems to look at that piece of it .. she wants a visit from OD .. well OD doesn't process that whole scene so well, but no one seems to look at that piece of it.
Maybe her AD's need to be increased DH ... that's not good ..
No one seems to want to look at that piece of it, .. except negative nelly (realist).
It's so hard ... makes you wanna pull your hair out.
So it seem that whole salon piece is a real problem there, . maybe she just needs to let her hair go gray . .who needs color at 90 yo . .whatever . maybe she needs a comb and go style . that puts a stop to that issue ...
Nah, we must find the magic button to push . that "fixes" it.
So she wants to go to soandso seafood shack . .yea, in a dream world, that all sounds so lovely and quaint . look at the reality of it though .. Nah . we have to make mom happy ..
So she wants a visit from OD .. and OD can't handle that scene real well, .. doesn't matter, what mom wants, we must force to happen.
Indeed, Dorker stepped off the "make it happen" train some time back . but the resentment lingers .. Dorker, just make it happen . force OD to go visit mom and just tell her to put on her big girl panties and tell mom . we aren't gonna talk about that .. no matter that OD isn't really capable of that kinda thing ... no matter, we must all please mother. Not me. Nope .. I'm on the reality train and have been.. .and resentment .. it simmers under the surface .. all the time. I guess it always will.
Dorker I think the best idea is indeed to bring the meal to your MIL. For so many reasons with the bathroom issue being a very main one. I guess it might be nice to invite CC unless they are feeling at odds presently. If there is a special room that would be nice. Perhaps the grandkids could run around a bit. Possibly OD might find that setting easier. She need not stay long in those circumstances.
MID your saintliness continues with offering to make meals for your MIL after the years of her behavior towards you. Perhaps you can just withdraw. I imagine she will survive. It really is up to her children. I always tried to deal with my MIL as best I could for my husband's sake. He did appreciate that. He now takes care of the expenses for my mother. I could do it but he is very good in that area and keeps copious records. I buy her all that is needed for her in AL. Throughout her life she tends to develop physchosamtic illness during times of stress. I am hoping my jaw issue doesn't do her in. I went to see her today to bring some supplies and I saw signs I have seen before when all is not right.
Hope the Seafood Shack brings some satisfaction for all your family.
I get that, .. and I only hope that those who are motivated to see to that task, . will do so on her behalf, and at a setting that's appropriate to her needs (incontinence, and what might occur as a result of her delicate digestive issues these days, as well as her lack of mobility).
She has a son and a daughter, and IMO, those are the two that need to be sorting thru the logistics of where/when/how/if this can happen. If they care to do so, I'll be happy to attend . as a friend. If they don't . .then .. we'll go take a cake and maybe some seafood take out, and enjoy the site where she resides, . and be done with it. Not mine to sort thru, and I'm not going to.
Therein lies the whole problem, as to boundaries. When I began to back out of that whole scene . .and say it's too much, it wasn't respected . and still, to this day .. I think . there is resentment that simmers under the surface, .. as .. MIL now finds herself not cared for by loved ones (Me) .. and in the setting of her own home .. and as a result .. she is unhappy ..
Boundaries.
So . there ya have it. MIL wonders/laments that OD doesn't come see her. Well there's a reason . .and personally I celebrate that this formerly mentally ill OD .. has reached a point in her journey that she realizes what triggers her, and tries to avoid putting herself in that setting.
I have suggested to DH .. bearing in mind OD's struggles .. as well as the fact, she does love her g'ma .. but doesn't wish to compromise her own well being in going to visit her, .. a good suggestion, actually brought to light here, in an idea someone posted. Take her with him, he can counter that fatalistic language that MIL seems to stay stuck on .. he can counter it, change the subject, etc.
I've suggested that ...
Sounds like a grand plan, if you ask MO.
Whether he partakes of that as an idea, .. is up to him.
I did run it past OD and she too thought that might be a better plan.
Whether the two will put their heads together and make a "plan" encompassing a time they can both be available to make that happen . out of my scope. She's an adult, her days/plans/schedules are as she makes them . .and same with DH.
Up to them.
If he "really" cares that poor poor mom ... OD doesn't come see me ..
Then make it happen. Or don't.
That might quench her need to 'get out' AND solve the food/party issue.
Man, I wish I had ONE person in my life trying to meet all my needs! Wait, I do, it's ME! :)
I could, if I would, check into that, and get that info out there, and lined up . and that would answer to the piece about getting her from point A to B, but there is also as was suggested here, .. transfer boards . and there is a "way" to get her into the auto safely and out of it, . but that will require that someone get with PT and maybe get some instruction, etc.
Truly I no longer take the onus on these things. I just do not.
I can see, yes . .that MIL would like an "outing" and I don't blame her. And perhaps there are ways that can happen, but let's have the folks that should be in charge of that, . her son and daughter, put their heads together (and make it happen), or .. maybe they won't . but in any event, it won't fall to me to figure it out.
I still say, "the shack" is a really really supremely bad idea .. (but there are scads of other places that do have ADA facilities .. and perhaps that too can be vetted out by her son and daughter, it should be them, not me).
I say what will transpire, is nobody does anything . and it will be a mad dash at the end, to figure it all out . and no . no transport, no .. nobody talked to PT about a safe transfer procedure, and it will be the "Shack" and a hope and prayer there is no chitapalooza to arrive to join us .. (and I bet there will be chitapalooza, w/her delicate digestive tract issues anymore in her aged state) . and so it will be .. on the whole a harried .. and horrible experience.
But . not mine to try to stave off.
Stay tuned on this one ..it'll be beginning of November before that has to transpire (her 90th bday).
But . not mine to try to stave off."
I hope that you and H won't be the only ones to take MIL to the Shack. Because if there isn't a daughter or SIL also along, it will be quite uncomfortable when someone has to take MIL to the cramped, non-accessible bathroom. You say it won't be you, but do you really think H will actually do a chitapalooza cleanup?
Best you bow out due to illness if it will just be the two of you and MIL. But, really, is H so out of it that he thinks takeout from the Shack isn't good enough for MIL?
But yes, great point .. I may need to come down with at the last minute a case of my own Chitapalooza that really .. I just cannot go out .. it'd be a dreadful issue for me to have to deal with while out .. you guys have a wonderful time . . I wanna hear all about it".
Interesting that I did mention it to DD yesterday in conversation: "Oh just so ya know, .. MIL has said to your dad that for her 90th bday she wants to go the "Shack" for seafood ... I think that's a really really bad idea . but whatever .. I mean do you remember the bathrooms there?!??!?!, I mean yea .. and outing if that's at all doable, but certainly not there!."
This was met with .. oh I dunno . some non nonchalant . maybe even disengaged .. disinterested demeanor.
Me talking to DD: "What are your thoughts, do you see that as a problem?".
DD: Not really .. no .. so just make sure she has Depends on . and go with it .. bring some extras along . maybe double up on what she's wearing . have two at a time on her, I dunno".
Me: "and if Chitapalooza arrives to join us . how do you think it'll work as to clean up in those tight quarters in the bathrooms there?".
DD a shrug of the shoulders of no concern really, and a response of . "it's not gonna be that long, it's not like we're talking this takes all day to do this ... it's just to the Shack and back . it's not like it's gonna be her gone all day from there".
Me: "and .. if chitapalooza arrive to join us (asking again) . and .. the tight quarters there in that bathroom . I mean there is only room for like one person in the whole of the space there, . no room for a wheelchair at all, ,.. and much less how to stand her up and clean her up . with other customers coming and going and having their stomachs turn . as they walk in on what is an old woman now disrobed and having chit cleaned off of her".
DD: "I dunno . I guess I don't see it as that much of a problem really . just deal with it .. maybe if chitapalooza arrives she just has to have the same Depends on til she gets back to the site . to get cleaned up . I don't know . not that big a deal really".
Me: "Yuk .. to have to sit with that in your drawers . .. yuk yuk ... ".
DD: "So bring along a towel to sit in the car seat so the car seat doesn't get messed up . it''s not that big a deal".
At that, that was the end of the conversation . not that big a deal ..
That's why I say . in the end . no one will be proactive to try to head this off to a different site that's maybe more suitable . no one is gonna do the "work" to maybe get that figured out (and it's not that hard . just brain storm where else you've been here locally that you know to be good food . and yet the bathrooms aren't as tight of quarters . not that hard) ..
It will be as I said, .. a trip to The Shack . and .. the downfalls to it all . very much could be at issue.
Depending on who is attending said event, I may come down with my own sudden case of Chitapalooza that negates my ability to attend.
I don't begrudge her at all, a trip outta there . .I get it . it'd be "nice" to "GO SOMEWHERE". I get it, completely. And .. I don't have a problem in the world with it, . as long as it's
A) possible as to transport
and
B) the bathrooms are such that should the above become an issue, . it's not unworkable to solve that issue also.
We will see.