I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I also agree that she knows she won’t be the one having to deal with it. I think everyone needs to remember that this is about MIL and her dignity. I think MIL would probably be very upset if she had an accident at her favorite restaurant!
I would be campaigning to bring lunch from the seafood shack to the nursing home. Her first outing should not be to a restaurant, not when you guys don’t know how to get her in and out of the car. Have a nice lunch in a private room at the facility and then start working with the staff & PT on how to take her out of the facility properly.
They love their g'ma, no doubt about it. And they, like me, don't begrudge their g'ma an outing .. I don't either . not at all. If it can be a sensible set up and .. somehow the xfer done .. as to the auto and such . and the place makes sense .. I have no compunction whatsoever to stand in the way of it.
I'm not interested in being the lone "other" female . .and the chitapalooza rear it's monstrous head and look at me to solve it, on my own. No thanks.
I can't even imagine and I'm not exaggerating . at least as far as "the Shack" would be a factor, how you would even attempt such a task . there is simply nowhere to do such a nasty chore. Out in the open . where other customers are coming and going to use the restroom would be your ONLY OPTION . and that is not at all suitable ..
Talk about ruining some folks' appetites .. I know mine would be if I happened upon, as just a patron there, . and into the bathroom to find a disrobed old lady . and covered in feces being cleaned up . YUK who wants to eat .. .not me.
Vs a place that has a huge stall dedicated solely to ADA requirements .. and one can .. have her use the grab bar there to hold onto .. and . I guess get out the crate of wipes brought along .. and go at it .. even still . no appetite for me, behind all that, .. but ... I can always go there another day . doesn't bother me that I might have my stomach turned in the whole thing.
It just makes better sense .. all the way around . to find a more suitable setting . and yes I am completely capable of seeking that out. What I'm not capable of and changing everyone's supposed course, and I'm not even gonna try . is "convincing" the others who live in dreamland . that it has the real possibility of some really disturbing outcomes and so let's look at alternative settings. Not gonna wage that battle. I've said my piece on it all . . and .. if no one else sees the pitfalls in it all, then have at it .. I can come down with last minute chitapalooza myself and just bow right out of the entire scene and stay home, suits me okay.
As to dignity and MIL .. that is a concern also, but MIL would be the first to announce . "after all I've lived through and everyone but the prez having seen my backside, .. I don't care anymore".
She truly would say those words.
But . .easy to say in the confines of a setting where that's the norm . staff to come clean you up . and staff that are adept at same. Quite different in a public setting with patrons coming in and out and likely even reaction on their parts . of "OMG . oh yuk" and worse, . as they bow out of even being able to come in and relieve themselves from the gross scene ongoing. Quite different . she hasn't experienced that specific indignity yet. I hope she doesn't have to.
And on another front, .. .so evident to me these slippery slopes and how they crop up on you, so unaware ...
As I'd said with regard to my dad .. I'm now not above lying . and I did so last week . as to his chemo appt . I did go and "meet" him there, so as to lessen my exposure to it all, and then I left under the guise I had to get to work, .. and surprisingly felt no remorse for "lying". I left.
I told him this next week . that I'd be unable to be a part of it, as I have lab work for myself on the schedule, same morning and the following week, a doc appt for myself to review said lab results and a physical . and that is not a lie, .. neither of those are a lie. Told him that, last week.
I didn't ask how he will resolve it, absent any participation from my corner, ..
I know he has a c'giver .. I know he has a wife (bat chit crazy but . so be it .. ), .. and so I assumed he'd work it out however suitable for him, and I've mentioned to him before that the American Cancer Society can provide drivers for these kinds of things if he'd like to check into it, and that last option was poo'poo'd.
I announced I wouldn't be a part of it this week . and left it at that, didn't follow up .. and that was that.
So imagine my surprise when I'm out running errands today and a phone call comes in and I see it's from my dad.
This weak/frail, almost out of breath voice of my dad is on the line, goes about like this;
Dad: "I know you mentioned you'd not be available this week, I think it was, right .. ??... as to the chemo appt .. I can't remember exactly .. I was wondering is that this week? .. Because c'giver has had a problem come up and it's going to be an "issue" for her to be able to cart me to chemo .. and K, . well she's just not all that good at this sorta stuff .. and so I was wondering was it this week you told me you'd not be available".
Me: "That's right, this week and next week, remember I told you I have lab appt for me, . and the next week a doc visit for me, so this week and next week, are problems for me".
Dad (a sigh and some frustration in his breathless tone): "oh okay .. well we'll sort thru it somehow .. I was going to check, I just couldn't remember what you told me . we'll get it figured out somehow".
Me: "Okay dad, . .. wish you luck there, gotta run"
SIGH
I literally, yes, .. I had to pull over in the parking lot .. I truly did. Because I had to grab ahold of myself .
My first reaction was one of "Dorker you are such a HEEL, this poor poor guy, . .can't you just reschedule your lab work . MY GOD . what a piece of work you are".
I had to literally grab ahold of myself .. and straighten myself out as if someone was with me, to remind me, .. well yes, you could go and change your lab appt . but why .. he has options he chooses not to avail himself of, . he shouldn't even be living at home . .he and his bat chit nutz wife .. and that's who he has to lean on, and you've said that much to him countless times and yet nothing changes .. and so he is stuck now with bat chit crazy as his only means of navigating this week, oh well . his bed, he made it . he can lay in it .. and yes, he should be utilizing a "service" rather than a private individual for c'giving . as these are the things that occur . they bail on ya and you're left w/a problem . and I've said that to him also, but nothing changes .. I've told him about the American Cancer Society if he'd like to hook in with their services, . and that too, nothing changes.
So .. yes, this is how these slippery slopes get stepped on and one finds themselves in free fall and unable to stop it .. because one encounters just this very thing and offers to, .. "oh no problem, let me call my doc's office, I'll get my appt rescheduled, not an issue".
I literally had to talk myself off the ledge . .. of feeling like possibly the worst daughter that ever lived, . .and .. what for ...!?!?!? ............. I'VE HELPED ............. I HAVE BEEN THERE .............. I have pointed out the pitfalls of his set up as it is . and tried to get him focused on where it needs to change . and so WHY DORKER, .. why is this now your problem to feel like such a heel . snap out of it.
And I did .. and went on with my day ...
But just so telling to me, . this .. .. should be read by anyone that is just beginning down the road of wanting to assist and help a LO . that has become more needy . but the person needs to be aware and set boundaries . this . .should be read by every person going down that road .. it's just how it all happens.
The person who "needs" refuses to make the necessary changes and continues to "lean" into the one person who does help .. and that person then gets beleaguered, taken for granted, used up.
It's no different.
Until I began to get really indignant that they need to enlist add'l help .. and they wouldn't . "she doesn't want other people coming and going".
Well too dam bad .. I don't wanna be the LONE one person coming and going . and I matter too.
Same thing ... my dad . refusal to sign on and address his very real need in any meaningful way .. and whether I then hop to the increasing need or not . is up to me, and I learned a thing or four or five these last few years.
I don't, wish to keep stepping to the increasing need. And so I didn't.
My elders pull out the "can't you just..... after all chemo is more important than a lab"; "can't you just this one time...." etc. It is tough to hold firm. I politely say "no, I already told you I cannot, I'm sure you will work it out" no negotiation. Stay strong, I have a feeling it will get much worse for dad before he decides to make some changes.
Not this time.
But .. yes, I could change the appts .. it wouldn't be any big deal. Not gonna though.
Once I took a moment to take a deep breath . and the realization that this is no different than when I was jumping to the MIL beat . and in increasing volume .. and no one would heed what I was cautioning. Once that realization came to me, .. taking a moment to grab hold of myself . it became so familiar ..
No .. this is just how/where it all begins . they fail to learn . .cuz it's not costly to them . .they can always lean on good ole trusty . always at the ready Dorker, and she'll pull up the rear ..
Nope. Not doing it.
Reading through that phone convo, I was almost holding my breath, hoping you would do exactly as you did.
You are not a heel. Someone needing something from you once in a blue moon is very different from a constant influx of need and “just this once’s” and “can’t you justs”. Very different.
You did exactly right. You have been upfront since the beginning. Now, he has a much better idea that you mean what you say. You are probably doing both he and K a favor because they are one step closer to being forced into helping themselves get some proper care.
Very well-handled.
The MIL Shack outing is giving me flashbacks to one particular dinner at a fast food place, which actually had ada bathrooms. Still a nightmare. Truly. The smell alone almost killed me. People in and out. And two people in a small space, one compromised in so many ways.
I shudder to remember. And I was a pretty much a chitapalooza expert by then. It still sucked.
Interestingly, one of the siblings suddenly came around to understanding what we were going through after I started backing out of outings and he had to deal with it in a restaurant. Lol.
Never mind her indignity - what about the big problem of other patrons being unable to use the facilities? There would be bigtime complaints to management, and the Shack would possibly lose future patrons. I'm picturing the bathrooms not far away from the dining area...YUCK!
"My first reaction was one of 'Dorker you are such a HEEL, this poor poor guy, . .can't you just reschedule your lab work . MY GOD . what a piece of work you are.'"
and
"I literally had to talk myself off the ledge . .. of feeling like possibly the worst daughter that ever lived, . ."
And I'm remembering this "poor poor guy" who let you nearly starve as a child and who very clearly put you on the periphery of his life so you made sure you and your brother knew that you weren't as important to him as K and her D.
I am so proud of you for standing firm! Next time will be even easier, and your father will have to get used to solving some of his own problems.
(If he's that desperate, there is BossyBoots, who might be able to take him at least one of the next two Fridays.)
I guess the latest problem dujour with MIL.
She'd sat struggling to button her pj's and was unable to do it, called for help, no one ever came ... .
Also .. I guess she'd talked to the psychologist/therapist (?) that comes to see her periodically and I guess this individual referred her to (trying to find a friend there, is there anybody here at all, that has a brain in their head) .. referred her to another lady .. she'd be a good person for you to befriend. MIL made her way there, found the lady, . who sat and cried, hates this place, has been here 4 years . and she never leaves her room.
Some friend that might be.
MIL lamenting, ... ."I hate this place, every day I wake up, there isn't one single thing to look forward to, you all have dumped me here, the longer I stay here, I'll be just like the rest of em, won't have a brain in my head", so on and so forth.
Sadness slings its arrows at you like torpedoes.
I'd had a long talk with SIL the other day via phone, . because prompting DH to do what I intended to achieve, may or may not occur, so I did it myself. Went like this, sorta: "Hey .. SIL .. don't know what you're encountering in your phone calls to MIL . but I can tell ya, DH went the other day and she was pretty despondent, despair .. and even asked him *you have guns don't ya DH* .. like he's gonna bring her a gun . what a stupid question (btw, she was shocked, dismayed that her mom would *go there* with that) .. but anyway SIL . here's my point in calling you .. I know you have in the past prompted .. at least DD to go see her g'ma if she can .. MIL is singing the blues that OD doesn't come see her, so .. don't know if you're gonna get that song and dance too, but just heed a word of warning if ya will, please don't do that to OD .. as you know SIL the last time OD went to see MIL, some time back , this fatalistic tone was the flavor of the visit, and as you also know, OD is no one of any emotional balance to be able to weather that, ... and so there is a reason OD doesn't go see her .. and maybe that can be worked, it's been suggested, . that OD accompany DH to go see her, .. maybe .. if they care to do that, . but .. absent that, I really don't wanna see OD prodded into going there, it's not good for OD . and I applaud her, .. afterall, that she's reached an age, . level, that she now knows what triggers her, and avoids those settings, .. so if ya will, just leave that one alone please".
Normally, my choices would be, not my circus not my monkey and I'd either harangue DH to get with his sister to stave the above off, .. knowing full well, it likely won't get seen to (remember these people don't communicate) .. or I'd leave well enough alone and just figure . oh well OD is an adult, if she finds herself pushed and prodded into a setting she doesn't feel comfortable in . .then up to her to navigate that.
But I do happen to know how precarious OD's emotional balance can be . and I happen to know, that OD .. maybe .. not as aware as she needs to be, even though I've expressed that to her, .. "stand your ground OD and do what suits you best, I support whatever you feel comfortable in doing". She knows that, I've told her . but would that then have her standing firm, in refusal . should SIL prompt/prod . should DH prompt/prod, . not so sure it would.
SIL had not heard that, ..that MIL is singing the blues (she talks to her mom generally at least once a day) . that OD doesn't come . she was unaware that is on any radar anywhere, but said she did remember, the last visit and how it impacted OD and that no, she would never prompt OD, knowing her precarious emotional well being . and so .. no, she won't be doing that.
So, in that phone call with SIL, expressing to her some .. how this all brings DH also, to a point of some despair, at times . going to see his mom as routinely as he does . and her with the blues she sings . like a broken record.
I know, .. just because I talk to her, .. I know, MIL does do somewhat the same with SIL in phone calls .. but SIL is much more adept at dodging it all, she listens, yes . and says something akin to, . ."yea it's gotta be tough mom . I'll probably feel the same as you if I live long enough and find myself in these circumstances, . but anyway, . man oh man . did you watch that show on tv last night, . that was something .", and off she goes onto another topic.
SIL trying to, in my phone convo with her, sort out, .. if that's even possible to do, . why is it that DH seems so impacted by it all .. that she (and she does) has a better handle on it all. Her sentiments . .sad . yes . in the best of all worlds . she'd still be healthy and able to live alone . yes . or . there'd be funding for around the clock care in her own home . but neither of those are even remotely
possible, . not in any consideration at all, . .no way/not gonna happen . and so sad yes, . .. but also necessary and she has her brain wrapped around that ..
Her trying to sort out . I guess to her own satisfaction if that's possible, why it so impacts DH ..
And my telling her, .. "I don't really know, and I've encouraged him to seek help, talk to your minister, . go join a group somewhere .. go talk to a professional, talk to your doc about an AD .. do something . but I can't keep hearing it", and he won't do any of the above.
Yet he goes to see your mom, . and generally speaking . not always . but almost all the time, comes home from that setting . himself blue and in despair, having heard all the laments .. and .. "wishing" it didn't have to be this way. "Wishing" she could be independent, and living alone . "wishing" he had the $ to throw at around the clock care givers . .for her to live in her own home. "Wishing" that "WE" could take her in.
THIS last part, .. SIL hit the roof .. "ARE YOU SERIOUS . .. he said that?!?!?!?... man oh man . why would he even consider that is any option . man .. does he think that I SHOULD BE CARING FOR HER ??!??!?!??, I tried, . doesn't he realize that . I TRIED . .. it was too much .. why would he even "wish" any of that".
Me; "you tell me and we'll both understand it better, I don't know"
But I went on to tell her, that for the most part, I shut him down and don't listen much anymore . trying to prod him to get help . that it's not healthy for him to be this sad and upset .. and it's not healthy for our marriage, that he stays this overwrought .. and he won't do it ..
Sharing this with SIL, in the point .. "so . please . please do not go and cause more grief on our ends, by pushing OD into going to see your sad sack mom and then having OD fall off the cliff of despair, she so precariously hangs off of in a normal day, please just don't do that".
So .. we had this long phone conversation, her assuring she is well aware of OD and her situation and would no, never, prod her .. she knows. But that no, she hadn't heard that specific lament from her mom.
Next thing ya know, it's later that night, and a group text appears . and it is to DH and myself (DH is not here mostly these days . he is not going to see his mom, he is not here, he is essentially out of town on a huge project, . gets in late at night, and is gone again early AM . and so I barely see him . and as is status quo .. . a group text shows up . from afar, . and he doesn't weigh in (I didn't either) .. and from SIL . and it read how she'd talked to MIL on the phone, found her down and depressed . that her mom had talked to her sister .. and her sister is 94 living alone and probably shouldn't be . and that the two of them had commisserated on their plights/present stations in life . and that she'd also talked that she couldn't get her PJ's buttoned and no one ever came to help . .. and that her mom had expressed having talked the psychologist/therapist and having asked, "isn't there anyone here with half a brain that I can be friends with" . and then referred to some woman . who MIL then wheeled herself to go see, . found the woman in her room, the woman then lamenting she's been there 4 years, . hates it . and never leaves her room. Not sure why the therapist would "refer" that specific individual as someone MIL could find and be friends with, but EPIC FAIL . and .. that MIL then went on to lament . she hate this place, has nothing daily to look forward to . and that we all dumped her there .. and so on.
I didn't answer to it either . I had the kids at the time and said so "I have kiddos right now, . hope it works out", and said nothing further about it.
I wish I'd thought to say that Kimber, .. "so what's different about the way she has lived the last decades of her life, isolated and insulated from the world-at-large . .. same thing . so now . somehow she wants to reach out . and now
it's one more blasted thing to add to the long pages and pages long list of complaints ... "is there anyone here with half a brain that can be a friend" .. and she goes and finds this one woman . as recommended by whomever that therapist was .. and that was what she found, so that now gets added to the pages long list of all that's wrong with the world . what's different ...
H377 when she had the chance to be more mobile and "engage" she wouldn't . routinely saying "I don't wanna go and be with all those *old people*".
I get so fed up with it all myself .. I really really do, to the point I could just scream...
As SIL herself put it, . when we had that long phone conversation . she put it so succinctly .. her words; "She's not going to be happy . ... only she can find happiness wherever she can . and if she chooses not to . then we can't fix that, she's not going to be happy . she wasn't happy when she lived at home alone . routinely saying "this is no life, . this is no way to have to live, I shouldn't even still be here, my life is worth nothing", she wasn't happy even then, . .she wasn't happy up here with me in IL .. watching me work like a dog, to give up my existence to all her need . that disturbed her and she said so . a lot .. she wasn't happy then . the only way she's gonna be happy is if she can turn the clock back to a time she was more independent . and able to do for herself, . that's not possible and we all know that .. and so . she's just gonna choose to be unhappy and we can't fix that".
B.I.N.G.O.
But then a text arrives as to what she found in her phone convo with her mom, unable to button her PJ's and no one came to help . and that she tried to seek out the person supposedly that could be a friend, only to find that woman a sad sack that she really .. isn't gonna be able to connect with . ..
I get so sick of it all, .. I wish that others would kinda get on the page that I'm on . which is one of .. "yep, she's not going to be happy . that's a given ... all you can do is be a part of her life when/how you can .. and when the talk . the sad downtrodden talk begins . change the subject, visit some . then go on . and realize/own it . that she isn't gonna be happy and .. it doesn't even warrant much mention any longer .. so her PJ's didn't get buttoned . .and no one came . oh well, . nothing to wring our hands over, . so she went and tried to find .. a friend . that was a recommendation . and that turned south . oh well .. try again . nothing much to warrant any dialogue, IMO . she's not gonna be happy . .that's all there is to it . and wearing it/owning it/living it . with her . in the town of Sadville, only brings you down, unnecessarily.
I get so sick of it .. It's hard not to resent her ...
And I shared that sentiment also with SIL who thought of it, her response: "Well, really . she's at an age and her level of functionality it all is really pretty sad and probably hard for her to cope with and she has to have someone to vent to . and so .. she talks to DH cuz he's the one that goes to see her more, . and so really . in the end, it's kinda more on him than it is her . that he doesn't compartmentalize it well".
I hear ya .. true.
I was thinking the other day .. this has all gone on so long . from the time she really really began to decline in her well being and no longer very mobile and it becoming more and more . a task that I could no longer attend to as the lone one doing so . and said as much . and her health on a downhill slide, and her laments and so forth to that tune .. and it's been that long . that this has all gone on, and has gone from bad to worse really, essentially . at least as far as her and the singing the blues.
As SIL put it (and I concur), .. "she's really all in all, been more healthy in that setting than we've seen in a long long time . she is cared for, her meds, her nutrition, etc., . her health has been improved . but her emotional state . way down"
I have to say - your MIL is a pain in the @##. Yes, she is old, sick, not happy to the in the nursing home. But what is the alternative?
"I'm living at Dorker's. I never get out - this is no way to live. I see no one. DH is never here - he is working. I never see OD. The grandkids make too much noise when they are here"
Someone needs to tell her - "yes, getting old sucks, yes, no one looks forward to living in a nursing home - but there is no other option - just deal and at least try to be cheerful because you at least have people who visit you."
Criminey
I don't know that I even expect that she find any modicum of being "cheerful". I agree she's got a helluva lot to be downtrodden about ...
Her life as she once knew it, is so far in her rear view mirror .. it's almost out of her sight line. She can no longer go for long walks on the beach, .. she doesn't read anymore (former avid reader) .. I don't think her attention span allows she can do that any longer, . her fingers that at one time so adept at crafting . have failed her ..
She has "no life" .. any longer, and I get that. I do.
BUT .......................
She is no different than a lot her age, and in fact, .. a little better off .. she can at least string a thought together, some cannot. She has her limbs (useless that they may be, for the most part) . she is "cared for" and not abandoned .. and all-in-all, health-wise .. she is doing better than was the case when she lived alone . and most importantly SHE HAS FAMILY THAT COMES TO VISIT HER .. and bring her treats ..
Find in that, some peace .. find in that, . some contentment .. find in that, the ability to be content ... can you, . .at all?
AND STOP bringing everyone in your orbit down .. stop it!
So nobody came to button your PJ's you struggled with .. it's not the end of the world if your PJ's are unbuttoned.
So you went and tried to seek out this "supposed" friend as recommended, and found that to be .. a wholly not viable set up . so keep trying ... and those in your circumference, . oh well .. what's different than her life the last decade or so .. it's the same thing . .she never wanted anything to do "with those old people" .. what's different now . not a thing, . so why it warrants much on anyone's radar, . I dunno.
So you feel like, and put voice to "you all dumped me here".
That's not true, . I know it . and maybe she feels that, because of her convoluted thinking process, but it's not true . and those in her orbit know that, so why that even warrants much airplay is beyond me, .. it's simply not true.
It's all a soap opera that if it were on tv, .. people would wear thin with all the non stop melodrama that never ends, . as .. "this lady is just too much", . I aint watching this no mo.
Only it's not on tv, it's real .. and there is no escaping it.
That's what really matters.
Everything else is commentary and subject to the very subjective elder's demented brain.
What is the protocol for tracking response time?
Does anyone know if MIL is actually pressing the button in an effective manner?
And if she is not, is there a protocol in place for staff checking in with her on a regular basis, say, each hour? And asking a standard set of questions, like.." do you need X; do you need Y. Do you need Z?"
That's my knowledge on that topic. Not sure why SIL "thinks" that's not true in the end, .. I haven't asked.
But the thing is, we're human and have human reactions to others. IF MIL has annoyed every single nurse, CNA and orderly in the place, she is much less likely to have them jumping to her 'buzzing' commands.
My MIL just barely got out of a week stay in a hospital/NH. She bitc5ed and moaned non stop, I never went to see her (the chemo and stuff--kind of a blessing) and DH only saw her ONCE (he cannot stand his mother) and I guess she was also complaining about EVERYTHING in the book. Pretty soon she had nobody in her corner and she was truly being a little 'neglected'--and I know the CG's there knew SIL would show up about 2 every day and stay until bedtime, so they HAPPILY handed her care over to SIL.
She came home, DH did reluctantly go see her after she'd been home a couple days---& when he got home he was just so upset. I guess she'd pretty much raged at him non stop for dumping her in that 'stinking he77hole'. Sad for her, b/c when they actually put her in one permanently, and it's coming, that's probably the one they'll choose. It's fairly nice and SIL can be there in 5 minutes.
She is 89 yo and hasn't yet learned that honey will draw more attention than vinegar.
Not excusing the slow response time, esp as MIL has that recurring chitapalooza and it's a bigger mess if her 'calls' are not answered in a timely manner,
Also--how much of what MIL complains about is true and how much is her addled brain? You'll never know.
I sure hope H doesn't try to make up for MIL's (unwarranted) despair and promise her that he will take her to Seafood Shack for her birthday. But if he does, you know to be sick that afternoon or evening.
In general, yes, he has heard me lament the whole scene .. which is mostly .. putting up with bat chit nutz ..
He is aware, I've told him, he is going to see a different approach in my dad's decline than what was witnessed as to MIL and her downill slide. That my dad has a c'giver . and I don't think that suffices, but have been unable to get him to budge .. that's not gonna then necessitate my running a hamster wheel as was seen in his mom's case .. that I think he needs to be in a facility . he and her both and have voiced that repeatedly, and as of this point in time, no movement there either, . and again, won't see me hopping the hamster to wheel to solve it.
He is aware, yes.
But in general, no ... I don't come home from that scene downtrodden as to my poor poor dad and his bat chit nutz wife . and wringing my hands and trying to find just the right "fixit" solution ..
That MIL has put in a request to talk to the DON who hasn't responded. SIL then put in a call to talk to the DON . who she found is in a meeting . and .. will call her back . and . in the interim she reached a DON in some other wing who said she would go talk to MIL and find out what's going on.
E.v.e.r.y. D.a.y.
I can't imagine .. maybe MIL is right, maybe it all was "for nothing at all" .. maybe CC (and yea that's true, . she's not all there upstairs) .. went off on her for "nothing at all". Maybe it was founded, who knows, who can say . not for me to sort thru.
I'd say MIL needs to move to a different roomie, but who knows what will be the end result here . who knows.
I would let my friend know that her mom was fine, she’s involved in activities etc. In turn my friend would tell me how my mom was doing when she would visit,
My mom passed June 14th, and S took my moms passing very hard. My friend told me that her mom got a new roommate and her mom was a afraid of the roommate, was afraid the woman was going to kill her. Staff moved S to another room, in with the hat lady, she wears multiple hats. S wasn’t happy there. Moved her again, not happy. The lady she was afraid of was only there for two weeks for rehab. So S is on to another room.
MIL I don’t think will be happy with whoever she rooms with. So many personalities with cognitive decline it’s hard for them to be happy.
SIL should definitely find out why MILs requests go unanswered. I had a few Residents who were unpleasant or difficult but that doesn’t mean they get ignored.
MIL very well may not be pressing the help button correctly. Or she may not be able to gauge the passage of time.
Does SIL know about the Seafood Shack birthday fantasy yet?