I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
went instead to visit his mom where it was said, the visit was challenging, with her complaints and so forth:
"Don't leave me in a place like this to die".
"I've lost everything, my home, my clothes, my dog, everything"
"I have nothing to live for, every day is the same, wake up and have nothing to look forward to".
"And now this situation with CC .. that has so .. so completely destroyed me".
"I've just lived too long, that's all there is to it, I'm not even supposed to be here anymore"
The above and so many more like it.
I didn't ask DH what did he respond .. he only said that he just listened.
If it were me, .. I guess maybe I'm just cold/aloof ... heartless ... I'd find myself visiting her "less" and .. when that kinda negativity starts .. I'd make certain my visits are brief. I would .. try to .. have a talk with her, . that she has to find some happiness but that I'm not going to get lost in her misery . and that if she continues, . I will check on her welfare by contacting staff, but she won't see as much of me.
But that's me.
Was very telling . it just was. I was by there the other day . on DH's behalf who couldn't get there, needed to drop some $ into her personal acct, so she can have her salon services weekly. I didn't go see her .. I'd already done so previously earlier in the week, and had no compunction to do so again, . just didn't.
Dealt with that task, when out walked the Director for PT services, . and I know her, .. and so we spoke briefly. The last interaction had with her, was when there was a care plan meeting SIL had implored I be part of and that was seen to (in August), and it had been requested they "evaluate" as to the toileting there.
What they have presently as to accommodation for toileting was said to be a problem (by SIL) .. it's basically the structure of a bedside commode, (bucket removed) . sitting over the toilet. SIL found in that, a problem in that it's not sturdy.. it isn't. What she "NEEDS" really .. is something anchored to the floor, similar to what she had at her home . it was grab bars that affix to the toilet itself . and in that, much more sturdy.
So it had been asked .. what other accommodation can be made as to the toilet. That was way back when the care meeting transpired. And SIL has made numerous attempts to reach out as to what were the findings . and .. she gets no return phone call, (so she says anyway). So I asked this PT person I've met previously.
The issue is ..
A) It's hard for her to get down .. to a level of a toilet seat and back up
B) It's hard with her balance issues .. to steady herself
The PT director then explained, when I queried about this .. (apologizing she'd been on vacation, was behind) .. that she'd met with the head PT person who did an evaluation . and .. the only thing they can really do as they make no permanent alterations .. is they had evaluated as to whether to install a riser on the toilet seat, but doing so then negates any grab bar .. and so . while it would lift the toilet seat, . she'd then be unsteady as to no grab bars .. and so that was thought to be less safe. And that they'd done an evaluation and worked with her on compensatory strategies as to being safe & transfer .. and she "forgets" .. those strategies taught to her .. but they have her on a 2 hour rotation as to toileting .. and someone comes to ask her if she needs help toileting.
At that, .. I said to her: "That's the other thing . we'd talked about that in the care meeting, . that she "forgets" these strategies taught to her, . and so many other indicators of cognitive issues and there was to be an evaluation, whatever happened to that".
She then took me to talk with the DON . and he happened to be in the Social Service Director's office presently and with the Recreation Director also present .. and so asking of the DON . whatever happened to that cognitive eval that was supposed
supposed to have been done ..
And the DON said he would check with the MD . that it's not a part of her chart, but that may mean the report just hasn't been entered yet, . he was unclear as to whether cog eval has transpired .. possibly it has . and hasn't yet been entered as a report . but perhaps it hasn't been done . he wasn't sure, but would check and let me know.
The SS Director sitting there, then asked of me: "Why won't she join in any of the activities we have here?".
Me: "I don't know, you tell me and we'll both understand it, I don't know. I do know that she finally ventured a week or so ago, over to where Bingo was being played and it didn't go well .. that CC had gotten angry with her and went on a tirade .. when MIL helped some other woman with really shaky hands and that woman won . and CC then accused MIL of cheating, helping this other woman to cheat, so forth, so that did it for her .. she'd never really even gone to any "activity" and this was what the result was of having finally gone, at least to observe".
DON and SS Director then saying, both of them .. "she takes everything really personally .. I know she does go out and try to talk to the folks at times in the commons area, and she seems to get upset that they don't talk to her, and takes it personally .. ".
From there, they went on to impart a story that had occurred the day before, I'd been unaware of (sounds like MIL) that she'd gone out to the commons area . and tried to "chat" up some poor soul slumped in a wheelchair, and this pour soul did respond to MIL that she didn't want to be bothered . and it sounds like this didn't stop MIL . persisting . in what way I don't know, but she didn't move along (cognitive???) .. and the poor soul then got agitated and began yelling at MIL to leave her alone . and at that point SS Director witness to all this, then came over and wheeled MIL away explaining to her .. that poor soul didn't wish to be bothered . and that MIL struggled to understand what she did wrong . and took it personally.
I then imparted to SS Director, . "well for lack of a better term .. I will tell you what she tells us . that she is seeking . trying to find someone with *half a brain* to at least interact with and she said there is no one here with any dam brain in their head".
At that Recreation Director as well as SS Director both shook their heads in dismay and said, .. "there are plenty of people here that she can interact with .. some of them yes are impaired . and can't . but some are completely functional as to their hearing and mental capacity and so forth, but don't want to be bothered and your mother (I guess they thought she was my mom) .. doesn't pick up on those social queues".
Me: "yes, and some of that speaks to that Cog Eval that we've been trying to dial down on . wish I knew an assessment there".
Recreation Director: "She would have better luck finding those who can be more interactive if she would engage in some of the things that go on around here, .. that's where you'd find those that are able to *engage*".
ME: I know and it's been a long standing struggle . I know when she lived at home alone . we'd try to get her to engage .. with a neighborhood card group or maybe a senior activity . and she would always refuse .. "that's not me, that's not what I'm about, . I don't want to be around all those old people"
Recreation Director: "How do you think she'd do with like Word Search work books or Crossword Puzzles . that kinda thing .. we have Word games . and Word retrieval games how do you think she'd do with that".
Me: I don't know, . I don't think she's going to be interested at all, in group activities of any sort, . that's been my experience, and I really don't know, with her memory issues how helpful workbooks of that sort might be, might be more challenging than it is enjoyable in her case".
At that, we were all but finished . I had gone there solely to drop off funds into her
into her personal acct, . as DH had been out of town and unable to do so, when I ran into the PT director so posed that question about the toileting . and that then begged the question on the Cog Eval that was supposed to have been done . and her then taking me to the DON for discussion on that topic . and ran into there, the SS director and Rec director . .and so . had some conversation there that I really hadn't intended to get into.
It was left that they'd check on that Cog Eval and find out . what ever became of that .. and let me know (or SIL . .I think they thought I was SIL .. the person who calls all the time, if there is so much as a cloud that blows by that MIL doesn't like the color or shape of, I'm not her .. they don't know me .. they don't talk to me, I'm not the one that is constantly blowing up their phones, but I think that's who they thought they were talking to).
Of course, since all that dialogue is when CC went off on the lady that tried to swipe a piece of chicken off CC's plate (not MIL fortunately) .. and the woman ended up physically assaulted as a result, . and CC now assigned a minder, until they can get answers from "Corporate" . as to what to do.
Glad you are not going to be your father's chemo transport this week. And if you decide to go to the next one(s), good idea to meet him there. Then it won't be your care that has to be cleaned from chitapalooza.
It's a bigger bathroom, so as to wheel a wheelchair in and out, have room for xfer onto toilet.
On the one side, yes, grab bar .. and on the other side of the toilet is the lavatory and no grab bar, no.
And the wall where your knees would be (it's bigger so your knees aren't bumping that wall of course, because one has to have a wheelchair in there) .. there is no grab bar, but it would be useless, it's too far away for any grab bar to be there, to be of any use. So yes, one grab bar, on one side, but not on the other side.
And if you can just picture it .. the toilet . and over it is the, what is a bedside commode DME (absent it's bucket). She uses that, it gives "lift" so as to resolve the height issue of lowering and rising from the toilet, struggle for her . and that satisfies (somewhat) the "lift" issue . .but the issue that is really more problematic in that they say they've taught her, or tried to, strategies (that she forgets) .. is the thing . isn't affixed .. and so . if one goes to grab one side of it . maybe off balance and needing to stabilize, the thing moves .. it's not affixed.
She has apparently complained to SIL in the past, . that it's not stable . and they too .. the staff there, . note .. that when she goes to trying to pull up or down her pants .. for toileting . she can and does become unstable . and wobbly and grabs for that apparatus .. and that then .. it will (can) move . and she further wobbles in the process.
They say they don't do any accommodations there that would be permanent .. and so the only thing they could do would be to put a riser on the toilet seat . that solves the height issue . but in so doing, . she'd only have the one grab bar . on the right side .. and the only thing to her left would be the lavatory .. and not a grab bar.
The felt as though that would be less safe .. (I agree).
They say they have evaluated and talked with her, and she doesn't have a problem .. (but does she not remember that she posed this to SIL as an issue at one point?, guess not).
I'm leaving it alone .. I only happened to mention it to the PT person who happened upon my visit to the site to drop off some $ into her personal acct.
If MIL reports it as no problem . and she does. And . staff say the only other thing they can do is to put a riser, but that will negate anything to grab onto and is less safe than what is currently utilized, then I don't need to get anymore into it.
I know this is NOT your flying monkey, Dorker, but SIL needs to be pointed in the direction of solving THIS issue, first and foremost.
We had a somewhat similar issue with my mom and pain. She would deny that she was in pain with staff and then call one of us "I'm in agony".
We solved this by approaching the SW and unit supervisor in a "how can we solve this" way. When mom would complain to us, we'd say "push the button" and stay on the phone until staff came. (If staff didn't come, we'd call the unit to make sure she actually HAD pushed the button). When staff came, we would listen to what was said.
It took a while, but the labor it took paid off. Mom learned that staff wasn't showing up in her room to ask about pain and bathroom needs to be polite, that they ACTUALLY wanted to know and that she needed to TELL them what she needed.
Yes, the unit manager might be a better person to talk to; I'm also very curious about why the upper level staff was talking to Dorker when they didn't know who she was.
Curiouser and curiouser…..
They shared what info was available, and so did we, in that setting.
Thus, I guess, if I happen upon a PT person, as I did when I went to drop off $ into the personal acct., and discussed with her, whatever happened with the toilet accommodations we requested .. she answered me, as to what was done, an assessment, etc.
No answers yet as to what will be done, if anything about CC. I guess, SIL talked to them on that topic yesterday (obviously very motivated to find out what they'll do with a loose cannon in CC) .. and she was told the MD will be in today, do an eval as to meds and changes needed, if any as to CC, and that CC will also be seen by the psych doc today ..
I guess theses things don't move fast. All I can say .. is .. it's not my circus, not my monkey, but how in the world can they possibly justify leaving someone in the population that is capable of such .. ??.... And yes, they have offered MIL the opportunity to move to a different room, she declined. Not wise, IMO. But whatever.
Was interesting listening last night to a phone call between SIL and DH .. he had her on speaker . and she purposely called him, . maybe because I'd shared with her, . how overwrought he gets at talking to his depressed, sullen mom . that he then wears it also, and this is routine. She, questioning me .. as if I know, .. why does it impact him so. I don't know. As she'd put it in talking to me, .. "yea, it makes me sad too, I wish it didn't have to be this way .. but .. I really have no other idea how it can be .. she needs SO MUCH HELP .. and it's just not possible .. she has so many medical maladies that need attending to, . it's sad . yea it makes me sad .. I don't know of anyone who celebrates their LO having to be in a NH .. it's not anything that anyone in their right mind is happy about, ever . but it's necessary . and absent any other alternative .. I mean in the end, . she has been more "well" these last several months than she's been in years .. no more Diverticulitis flare ups, no more UTI's, no more flare ups of edema ... she is "healthier" than she's been in years .. not emotionally maybe .. she's worse emotionally .. but health-wise, she's better".
These are some of the same sentiments I heard her speaking to her brother. Who knows, maybe he can "hear it" .. and absorb it better coming from her, than he does from me. I've said those same things to him . and generally .. he only gets angrier and more frustrated at my words. No, he has no alternative either, . other than bringing her here for Dorker to take on .. and he knows that ain't gonna fly .. so he has no answers/alternatives . but hearing it from me, generally only causes more consternation. Maybe he can "hear it" .. coming from his sister, we'll see. Her sharing some of those same sentiments with him.
Along with .. "DH .. she wasn't happy here, at my home either, .. she wasn't happy that I was run like a dog .. taking care of all her needs and giving up any existence at all that I have .. she was unhappy with that, . she was unhappy here, with what her life has become .. she was unhappy at her home ... she's the one that's gonna have to find happiness .. if she can . or not ... but .. we can't fix that".
DH replying to his sister, . "oh yea, I know .. I remember going out there to her home and her perched at her kitchen table staring out the windows . and saying . so many times, "this is no life, .. this is no way to have to live, I have no life, I shouldn't even be here still".
SIL then saying to him .. "she hasn't been happy . .. nothing
nothing will make her happy unless someone has a time machine to turn her back to a time she was more viable, and of course, nobody can do that".
DH saying to his sister, the same things I've heard about 1000x's .. "I just hate all this, this the nightmare she didn't want to have to live, being in a NH . and here she is .. right smack in it, .. I just wish there was some other way .. but there isn't .. I know that .. but it's a weight I carry every day . that I should somehow be able to make it better for her".
These are the VERY SAME conversations that have been had countless times between he and myself . and him lamenting his poor mom's plight . and me trying to counter it all with logic and so forth .. only this time, it was SIL and he and not me, in the conversation.
SIL saying to him, the same things I've said .. "Well I mean unless you know of some other way ... I sure don't ... I can't do it .. I tried, . she wasn't happy here .. she didn't want to be here .. and that didn't work, it just about killed me, .. up all during the night, night after night, helping her to toilet, and so forth . and all that it took to take care of her ... it's just too much .. I mean she's in a wheelchair now . and .. I don't know who can take that on .. our houses aren't fitted for that even .. much less all her other need. The only thing WE CAN DO, we are doing, . we don't abandon her, . we are active in trying to advocate on her behalf . and a part of her life . that's all we can do at this point and we're doing it".
And hearing DH agree with his sister and acknowledge . that yes, it's sad . and it's a weight he carries, but there is no other alternative. Hearing him say that, rather than get indignant as he does when I try to present logic/reason .. as counter to all his lamenting over it.
And on another note .......
Interesting too, that at that August meeting that I was asked to be a part of, it became evident . even through some of what PT is noting . that MIL doesn't remember strategies taught to her, as to xfer and keeping herself safe . and some other points covered, there needs to be a cog eval done (been saying this for years). And of course, the care team .. said they'd get an order in for that to transpire.
Beyond that, .. it hadn't happened to anyone's knowledge.
So of course, when I happened upon that PT person the other day and just asked her what was done as to the toileting accommodation . and she then answered . and then I asked, what happened, .. this is a PT person who was in that meeting .. what happened to that Cog Eval .. she didn't know, but took me to the DON . who happened to be in the office of the SS Director and Recreation Director, and there .. I was told, as to the Cog Eval . that it's not part of her record as having been done .. but it could be it's been done, but the report not in the file yet . but they will dial down on it, to find out what happened.
SIL .. following up on that yesterday in her call there, to find out what's occurring as to CC .. asked about that piece, and the answer there, it was never done. But they will get it done.
Two months! Two months since that was asked for, . and I guess, had I not raised that as a question just in passing . it never would've been done ..???.... sounds like. Who knows if it even will at this point, get done.
SIL imparting that info to me .. as she knew, I'd gone there the other day to drop off $ and ran into the PT person and asked the subsequent questions I did.
SIL now worried, her words: "I just worry now they come at her with that, if they tell her, "your family wants you to have a cognitive evaluation .. will they tell her that?, Surely they won't say it's the family that wants it . and then she's gonna think that nobody believes her as to the CC thing".
Me: "SIL .. !!!!! ... Seriously .. that worries you??!?! The dam staff member was present when MIL was verbally assaulted ... c'mon!".
Sheesh.
Not your bad, Dorker; you got more accomplished in 10 minutes than SIL and DH have in a year. But I think we have a clue as to why SIL is gun-shy about the cog evaluation; she is TERRIFIED of her mother thinking that she, SIL, is asking for her mother's mental state to be evaluated.
These are two "kids" who are still scared to death of mommy ever being unhappy or displeased with them. Honestly, you have to feel sorry for them.
And completely understand the brother who turned his heel and never looked back.
Tonight, separately, MIL begging, crying . asking SIL and DH to just take her to her home.. shaking . shook, ... and so upset.
This because the story goes .. CC will now no longer have a minder. CC will be adjusted as to her meds, . and will now receive psych services .. and the victim that was assaulted by CC, is now being moved to MC. It's said that victim . that individual . was one who has needed to go to MC . in and out of people's rooms taking things . this time she took food off CC's plate and got assaulted for it. The family of this individual has pushed, to not have her have to go to MC, but now that is being done.
It's said of CC that she is easily agitated (ya think?) . .and that to move her .. a room that she's occupied for 7 years .. would be to further incite her agitation . she will be adjusted as to meds and receive psych services. And .. they are continuing to document . as to measures taken to help reduce her agitation . and on the path forward to whatever direction it needs to take, if it needs to take a different direction ultimately as to CC.
So CC .. is not going to be required to move.
The policy/protocol there, .. is that the person who complains is offered a different room. MIL was taken to two different rooms today . .and declined both. 1 faces a parking lot as her view, the other no view. She declined.
MIL .. I guess . has some *appreciation* for the fact in the roomie she has presently, she's gone all day, every day. That may not be the case, in a new roomie (and may be even worse, depending on who they'd stick her with). So she opted not to move, thus far.
But . shaken, shook, crying . begging DH and SIL in separate phone calls, to just let her go to her home. As she put it, "it was working before". Uh . no .. it wasn't. But she doesn't "remember that", of course.
As Surprise put it the other day, all of these folks . usually on some varying degree of the spectrum as to Dementia . and MIL right there on it, herself.
On the one hand, it'd be easy . on the surface, to look at all this and have a feeling of .. "oh c'mon . the worst CC has done is bless you out .. she hasn't physically harmed you, ever".
But ... MIL and her own anguish . .and her own not clear thinking . and her own .. fears .. (unfounded or not) .. can convince herself, I suppose that CC capable of getting out of her bed to come strangle her in the middle of the night (not likely).
Listening to MIL with the "I've never been this depressed in my life, .. I just want to go to my home, why can't I Just go to my home, .. and this whole CC thing has really upended my world here". And then DH responding: "Mother you cannot let your happiness hinge on one person . you know CC isn't right in the head . and she's gone most of the time anyway . you can't let your happiness hang on one person!".
She hung up . crying.
I didn't have anything to offer .. (wasn't the one talking to her). But .. how do you make someone who has about the mental capacity of a child at this point . understand/comprehend . that . you have options . maybe none you want .. but you do have options . move to another room! And no, CC isn't going to likely assault you . she may go off on you again . but the ole saying .. sticks and stones .. so just spout back at her, tell her to eff off.
How do you make someone in MIL's mental capacity grasp that. You can't.
I did say to SIL and DH both .. you guys I've been saying . she needs her AD upped, ... anybody that would ask .. "you have a gun don't you DH" .. she knows he does . has lots of them . but that doesn't mean she's gonna get access to them.
Holy geeze, what do you do when the elderly LO will not acclimate . to their new life in a NH . and she just won't.
I get it, . that the NH has to follow protocol .. and while they also look out for MIL, in offering
offering a different room (declined by her). They also have to look out for what's best for CC .. and adjusting her meds, I guess is a start, in the hope some of her agitation can be tamped down . and giving her psych services.
But as the Unit Manager said to SIL (this is how CC thinks).. unit manager telling SIL that he'd talked with CC .. "you can't just hit people that anger you, that isn't allowed here, . .if someone angers you, you need to come to us, let us handle it. Now what are you going to do the next time"
CC's answer as reported to SIL: Praise the Lord, I'll kick em".
So MIL tonight . in tears . .and shaken . .and worried/fearful that CC will no longer have a minder (knew that couldn't last). And begging to "just let me go to my home . it's still there, I have a big empty home . no one there . just let me go to my home, it worked before . it was fine before".
OMGosh!
Unit manager imparting to SIL that he thinks it's contra indicated for the two to remain roomies, but he cannot make MIL move. All he can do is suggest, and offer, and that he's done. Says that CC is easily agitated and MIL is too sensitive says of her, that she's sweet/soft spoken . but so easily takes things too personally. Here here! I agree.
How do you make someone of her mental functionality .. compromised .. and her . not at all acclimating to her new life .. hates every fiber of everything about it .. and I guess always will, never wanted to end up in a NH . was gonna be young forever I guess .. still thinks she can manage I guess on her own at home (wrong) .. how do you make that person . with that compromised thinking ability .. grasp that no . you cannot go home .. and no .. it's not likely CC will get up in the middle of the night to strangle you . you will be okay . yea she may have harsh words with folks at times . maybe . maybe even you at times . but that won't kill ya . you'll be okay.
She is almost in a near panic . and tears . and shaking and so upset.
These folks, .. CC is not going to suddenly become not agitated, and not combative . it's not going to happen . unless they drug her into oblivion and doubtful that'll occur. And MIL . she isn't going to suddenly wake up this morning, not the uber-sensitive drama queen she's always been. Not going to happen.
The best one can really hope for is that it's all "managed" appropriately (if that's possible) by on site staff.
She can't go to her home, that's not realistic. And she would know that if in her right mind, she isn't .. "in her right mind". That was a woeful failure .. and went on far too long, and the house and spend down, and Medicaid approval ... all water under the bridge.
She was asking DH to take her to site B .. which is another NH that was in consideration. DH explaining to her, .. "that can't happen o'nite mother .. that can be looked at, when you get to a point you are able to go view it yourself, and buy in to it as a place you think acceptable, but the channels have to be followed as to getting that done, won't happen o'nite".
She is, for all practical purposes, being the drama queen she's always been known to be, and as DH used to say of her, .. "she missed her calling, .. she needs the Academy Award and lots of applause .. she's such a drama queen". Always has been.
At this point in her life, . one can't expect that is gonna change. It's only gotten worse. And I do "get it" . that she can paint/envision in her own mind . the horrible scenarios this whole set up can bring about . with CC who is so easily agitated and her the victim of said verbal onslaught or worse, in her own mind. It's very real to her. So I get it . this is causing her so much anguish.
No, I'm not phoning the staff there, trying to direct things as to "now what are you going to do about CC, this is not acceptable". I haven't had the first conversation with staff on that topic. And the only dialogue I've had there, was last week when I dropped off the $ for her personal acct, ran into the head of PT and asked about toileting accommodations previously discussed . and the cog eval that has yet to happen. Only because I was on site, . and ran into the PT person.
I don't go out of my way to go and phone these people, nor do I go in and hold MIL's hand and soothe her upset emotions. In fact, I think she could do with "less is more" as to her offspring doing so. I think, in a sense, some of this breeds more upset .. when they phone her, visit her .. and she has the floor to voice all her displeasure so much. But . not up to me to mandate how they do things.
No, .. it's not going to change, no matter the setting. She very well could, if she could go site B today (she can't, channels have to be followed) . she very well could, and likely would, in that setting also, find displeasure .. and the complaints would continue . in earnest. She's not going to be happy . that's a given. She's seemingly never going to acclimate to her new life .. and is going to hate every breath of every day she wakes up .. for the rest of her days.
Can't change that. She can, if she would, but I don't know that she will, ever.
She can change rooms if the threat of CC is that bad . but doesn't want to, .. so be it, .. then put up with CC, I guess.
Nothing is going to help her - she has to adjust herself - and that might never happen.
Is DH big enough to resist the tears, the begging "please take me out of here!!" "You can't let me die in here!!" and NOT bring her home to the yellow bedroom? I seriously hope that he learned from SIL experience. When he comes home morose and so sad :( I think it is way of showing he is doing something - feeling horrible about it, because he isn't doing anything to change it AND he was out of the day to day MIL support system (aka Dorker do) for years, so probably inside has some nagging feeling of guilt. Hopefully he does not decide that NOW he is going to do something and bring her home to the yellow bedroom. Especially if any of your daughters start to cry and feel sorry for granny and "we should do something"
My dad slapped a woman in his nursing home who reached over and took his sandwich - if you think about it - it is a pretty natural reaction - toddlers do it. and as the elder mind breaks down - the natural reaction takes over. They separated this woman a bit more (pushed her wheelchair down the table) so she could be part of the community but was out of reach of their lunches. It happens in nursing homes. My dad took a lot of yelling from room mates and yelled at plenty of room mates - living in a room with a stranger does rub sometimes.
Good luck with the dad chitapalooza drama (I'd meet him AT chemo for the duration) and with MIL never ending hand wringing. Keep us posted!
As far CC hitting someone who took her food.....I mean....there are regular folks will slap away the hand who tries to take food off their plate. Can’t blame CC there. One thing I myself hate to share is my food. I hate to use the word normal but....this is all normal nursing home behavior in my experience. These people don’t have much if anything that is THEIRS, ALL THEIRS. And I think even if there isn’t any dementia, as people start to decline with old age, they lose the concept of personal boundaries. And actually reading the latest update has sent me down memory lane! Reminiscing of the things I experienced and witnessed when my grandpa was in a nursing home. I used to stand in the doorway of his room and sometimes walk the halls just people watching because that’s all there was to do (for a 12 year old!). There were wanders who go in to random rooms and the person who resided in that room would start yelling “nurse nurse” or “help” over and over.....there was a little white haired lady named Margaret who would wheel herself around in her wheel chair and go in to other people’s rooms. When she would come in to my grandpas room-which is how we met her-he didn’t seem to care but honestly he just seemed grumpy no matter what, never happy to see any of us LOL! But my mother was always kind to Margaret and we talked to her when stopped by & my mom never asked her to leave. I had a beautiful long haired white cat at the time and the nursing home allowed me to bring him in, he liked visiting the residents and Margaret especially took a liking to the both of us. It wasn’t the best time in our lives but I have a lot of fond memories of that place & the people I met there :)
I wonder if any therapy animals visit MIL’s facility? I follow a wonderful woman in NY on Instagram and 2 of her cats are therapy cats & they regularly visit Alzheimer’s patients in a few nursing home. It’s really a wonderful thing, I think. Maybe MIL would find a little happiness in that? Or maybe it would be a painful reminder that she had to leave her home and her dog behind :(
A huge reminder (not that it was needed) of what folks give up, if signed on as FT c'giver. Not willing to do that, never was willing.
I hate it for MIL & yes can very much objectively view what she is feeling. I wish it were so that they'd move she who instgates (CC). I do get it, why they won't.
Unfortunately in MIL's case (a thru & thru complainer at this stage of her life) she would probably find fault as to any roomie ... snores too loud, talks too much, too junky, doesnt bathe, family that visit are obnoxious... you name it, she'd find in a new roomie other complaints. Its a given.
Cant solve it and I guess her son & daughter born & raised somehow that mom's happiness... its on us ..
Doesnt look like anything will ever change.
So goes the café - just like the nursing home.
"You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometimes you just might find
You get what you need..." hahaha (rolling stones)
(I used to sign that sometimes to my son as a child when he kept it up and kept it up.)
I don't understand this, either. What's preventing H from taking her out? Unless he doesn't want to do the research, the phone calls, and make the appointment?
Then again, there's probably been no progress made on the Big Birthday Outing, either, right? Dorker is going to have nothing to do with that and not even attend, if the plan is to take MIL to the Seafood Shack (unless SIL is there for chitapalooza duty).
H is probably going to ramp up his own misery, with his mother getting so upset now about CC. Has he already done that, Dorker? I don't think he will bring up the Yellow Bedroom as a possibility, do you? He should be beyond thinking that is at all a possibility.
You had the twins all day? You must be exhausted! Did DD need a break. Hope she did more than have a daylong Selfie Session. Maybe she used the time to do some research about getting the twins into HeadStart?
Any word from your father that he's starting to consider more help/a different living arrangement?
Her answer has generally been somewhere in the range of, "I am just not up to that", and/or "It will probably just be more of the same as it is here".
And nothing progresses on that front. So be it.
There's been no "plan/discussion/action" as to where to go for big bday bash for 90 yo . MIL. That will take some thought. There are NUMEROUS places that would have ADA bathrooms suitable, and so .. somebody put some gray matter to it, and get it done . .as to where to. Won't be me.
I have not a thing against making sure she has an "outing" .. I too would be miserable, trapped and unable to ambulate on my own . and no one cares enough to help me to get "out and about". I get that, and harbor no ill will towards such a set up. What I do have an issue with, is any notion that "Shack" is suitable, it is not. Not by anyone's stretch of the imagination. Yes, the food is great there, yes, .. it holds a lot of sentiment as a place we've all gone for family get togethers for eons .. and yes, it's scenic - the view ... but all of that is outweighed in the fact the bathrooms .. when I say it I mean it, there are two toilets . in that bathroom, and each one, only cordoned off about big enough for 1 human .. and not a big human . and certainly not big enough for any wheelchair .. and no grab bars .. it's a nightmare in the making, so no.
Apparently there has been movement on the front as to MIL taking a different room. I think it's being pressed upon her by the unit manager there, . that they really think it's no longer conducive for she and CC to remain roomies .. and so there is to be a move today, by MIL. All hate it (I do too) . that it's not CC that's required to move, but their protocol is what it is. So be it. So MIL will move today and one can only cross their fingers and say a prayer and a hope . that the new roomie, .. will be tolerable by MIL who is so apt for complaint and displeased more often than not.
Wouldn't it be grand, if somehow she ended up with a roomie, that somehow was suitable .. and .. it worked out. What a concept. I guess we'll see.
The SS Director called me yesterday .. I guess as a result of my having asked last week what was done with that Cog Eval (nothing it turns out, and I assumed that mean the case forward, nothing). Nope. I guess the day before, they'd had that done .. (now that I got that on the radar, I suppose, who knows). Turns out (don't know what test was utilized .. one can request the record if one desire, and maybe SIL will care to do so, I'm not doing it, not my circus not my monkey). The final result showed 'mild cognitive impairment'.
I'm surprised that it didn't show "moderate" .. but okay.
SS Director going on to explain to me . that they have really urged/encouraged . as they know her to be depressed and so desiring to make connection there, . with someone/anyone that has a "brain" (as MIL would term it) .. and a struggle for her, . they've so encouraged that she join group activities as that's where you'll find those that are more functional, in general. That MIL just has a demeanor of not being part of that, isn't interested. Cited the one group function she did attend, . and helped the woman w/shaky hands . only to find herself a the other end of CC's wrath . and so . that did it for her, . not interested group activity.
SS Director explaining to me, .. unfortunately . some of that cog impairment is what's getting in the way of her understanding and grasping that her approach, refusal to attend/engage in group settings .. it's going to breed more loneliness and disconnect as to being "friends" with others there.
She indicated they would continue to
They'd continue to try to come up with strategies to help her .. that they know her to be depressed and pretty anguished . and that they are trying to encourage she change rooms . can't make her, but that is something she really should consider, as it would lessen her anguish and worry as to CC. I guess subsequent to my conversation with SS Director there was movement afoot on that front, as DH tells me she is to be moved today.
I asked her about, the result of a suggestion I made to SIL a week or so ago .. that .. MIL with her complaints .. "there's no one here that has half a brain that I can even talk to" .... and my suggestion to SIL .. "hey ya know, . fwiw ... MIL goes every Monday to get her hair done .. I bet that hair dresser knows .. of the populace there, . who might have a brain. If you could get her on the phone, the hair stylist .. maybe she could give you a name or two, . or maybe you could get her to share that info with MIL .. I mean . in the end, . those that have no brain left, likely not in her chair for their hair to be done . they don't care .. but those that do . function and have a semblance of modicum about their appearance, . maybe they'd land in the stylist's chair on a regular basis .. and maybe she'd have a "read" on who might be more functional".
SIL did do that, and got the name of one particular someone a Mrs. B. Mrs B, it's said .. is pretty with it .. and .. while she no longer really comes out of her room, . and the stylist indicated this (which was puzzling to me) "it seems like those that are more functional . they mostly stay in their rooms". I find that odd, . but what do I know about the psyche of elderly. It's said that Mrs B .. she might be someone MIL could make a connection with .. but awareness that while Mrs B used to come out of her room and be more participatory . she no longer really does so. No explanation for the "why" piece to that, and none of my biz.
I had asked the SS Director, . how can we get MIL and Mrs B, are you familiar with her?, how can we get the two to meet .. is that possible?". Answer was yes, that she'd talk to Mrs. B and see if that's something she might be interested in.
I hear from SIL that MIL did make her way yesterday to Mrs. B's room and did meet her, and the result "it was okay". Don't know what that means ...
I did ask the SS Director, . who else of the populace there might be someone she could connect with .. and how to do so, if she's not interested in participating in group settings. SS Director indicated she would give it some thought and maybe try to dial down on .. who and how.
I guess after that conversation with her .. that the Rec Director brought MIL a book to read .. and tried to encourage her to join group settings (again) .. and to no success. The Rec Dir took MIL to the library there on site, . and I don't know, . maybe that will prove to be of interest to MIL, who knows. We'll see I suppose.
Thus far, she's lost interest in books (a former avid reader) .. says of reading that it's too much of a struggle for her anymore, . that her fingers don't work to turn pages . .that she forgets who is who in the story she reads and where is where, .. the plot line essentially.
And also on that front .. I had the twins yesterday so their mom (DD) took some time to go visit MIL. It's of course big news how much MIL is struggling and anguished these days . and so concern and empathy for that .. DD went that way to visit her g'ma.
I asked her when she came to pick up the twins, .. "so how'd it go with granny visit today".
DD: "I promised her I'd come get her on Saturday . and take her out, .. she's got cabin fever . and she's been there for MONTHS . and no outing at all, I promised her I'd come get her on Saturday . and we'd go out to lunch .. I don't know where, don't know how, but extra Depends, some wipes .. a change of clothes .. I'm gonna make it happen for her".
At that, .. DH and DD's husband also present, hearing this, chime in.
DH: "When ...???... when are you doing this ..???... I want to go ... I have a men's retreat at church on Friday night and Saturday part of the day, .. can we make it after I get back, so I can go".
DD's husband: "What we need to do .. is ... I'll stay home with the kids, so they can nap . and you go and spend that time helping MIL to get ready . and then once the kids wake up .. we'll all go".
At that point, her twins .. who'd not napped good at all, were fussy and cranky and whiney and too much of a distraction for anyone to hold any adult conversation so that whole topic went no further, got dropped.
I have no idea, . where/how, etc . wasn't talked about anymore, in that setting . as they had to scoot on out with their cranky twins . and DH and I needed to head on out to Wednesday night church supper, and so that was the end of any dialogue on that topic.
Again, I have not one single thing of any problem with an "outing" for her, and don't begrudge her that, at all. I would be going stir crazy too .. if I couldn't get out .. and thankful I don't have that as any impediment yet. BUT ... it has to be somewhere suitable.
After they left, .. I asked of DH, "so where do you think MIL should be carted for her outing".
DH: "You know where she's gonna want to go, . to the "Shack".
Me: "Count me out if that's what you guys decide, that is a disaster waiting to happen .. you haven't ever been in the women's restroom there .. but I would imagine the men's is about the same, there is no room in there, at all, . find somewhere suitable if you want my attendance, otherwise .. I'm out .. you guys have fun with that".
A look of .. a cross between could pinch my head right off, and a deer caught in the headlights. And with that, .. topic dropped.
As I said before, . there are numerous locales here that have ADA bathrooms ... it's just that the "Shack" .. the Shack that has so many fond memories for every one of us, of all the family celebrations and gatherings there .. is yes, where she'd wanna go . but ... I don't see it viable as any option at all. So .. I'm sorry . wish it weren't so .. but I have zero interest in participating in that as any set up. No thanks. Will sit it out if that's what's opted for.
And on the front as to my dad. I have been MIA that scene somewhat, not even checking in.
At least for the moment.
The truth of the matter there, is it kinda perturbed me with him . he knows the ropes . he's not stupid . he spent his life in insurance (healthcare) as an executive and in some cases writing standards as to how insurance works . he knows how this stuff works. He asks for a HHA . and it gets explained to him, and in my case, urged .. that one has to have "skilled" engagement .. coming to the home, visiting nurse and/or PT. He balked at that . and thought he could "work his way around that" .. Yea, okay you go there Mr. Bigshot Executive that spent your life working "around" what others are held to.
In the end, he decided there was no workaround, .. and so consented to a PT in home eval . and only to ultimately cancel it, negating any ability to have a HHA assigned to assist.
Perturbed me with him. A lot of it perturbs me . he needs to be (and his wife) in a better setting for their care . but they won't do it .. and at the very least, be complaint with some PT .. he is atrophying terribly in his weakened state. And as explained to him . atrophy is going to breed more of the same, . you have go to let PT work with you some, at least to the level that you can. And .. in the end, he cancelled it.
So .. being perturbed with it all, the ongoing drama that is MIL all the time, .. I backed out of and have been MIA on the dad front . and not even checking in the last several days.
It won't continue, .. I'll check in . but .. I guess a breather of sorts for me.