I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I am certainly damaged with what I am enduring. Some days I just can't help break out into tears. I can't see the thought of MIL going out frequently as a great idea. I thought this was her birthday celebration and was just happy you all got through it without any calamities.
Yes, I suspect MIL will perhaps campaign hard now for a trip to Shack. That's fraught with all sorts of problems, .. one of them being the non-ADA bathrooms, but the other, it's just a hop/skip/jump to "oh couldn't we just run by my house, I haven't seen my house in so long".
Any trip to the Shack is going to be fraught with all sorts of emotion.... some of which have to do with all the years we've all gone there for many family gatherings/celebrations and in times when mobility and health impediments weren't any issue.
IMO .............. a.n.y.o.n.e. who deludes themselves with a "Oh it'll just be to drive by her house, she just wants to see it". You might as well step off a cliff straight into an abyss of H377, . .that will bring on so much emotion and drama that there's no way it should even be entertained as any notion of a good idea.
I've voiced my concerns above .. to all, on The Shack as any destination, ever.
Does that mean that any "listen" to my input. Not a chance.
I've said my piece on it all, all the above and more, and including the fact, "count me out" .. I want no part of ANY trip to the Shack .. none of it. Won't be there.
Instead of it being the voice of reason that I wish it was .. it's really perceived as more of "Oh Dorker you worry too much, you worry about every single thing .. don't worry so much, it'll be fine". And they may just go on and .. h377 for that matter, stop and let her walk around in her home, flip on the tv, let her sit on her sofa and watch tv, .. for that matter .. let's all have a sleep over at MIL's home.
All while I'd be over here .. saying to myself .. good luck plucking her outta there now, for a trip back to Purgatory ... tried to tell ya'll . but I'm "not gonna worry about it".
It would be madness.
Interestingly enough, SIL sees all the above that are pitfalls to any of that, but SIL and myself are the two lone voices of reason on that topic .. and as we've well established . nobody talks to anybody ... not like DH would hear his moms pleas .. as to a trip to the Shack . and hey let's go by the house .. and not a chance he'd hear reasoning .. not a chance. Nope. Even less likely he'd reach out to his sister in a "Gee, Dorker seems to have a problem with all this . and she's not even gonna go, I think she's a wet blanket that worries too much, what do you think sister?".
Nope. Wouldn't happen. These people don't talk to each other. I can't fix that.
One would think the one outing the other day, .. even DH said so, after the fact, "I sure hope mom saw what a team effort it took to make that happen .. it's not easy". My answer to him: "yea, I'm sure she did see that, .. but she wont' remember it .. she'll forget what all it takes to get her out and about".
I swear the woman could petition .. "ya know my days are drawing to a close here, I'd like to go to the moon ... can we make a trip to the moon?".
They'd start trying to make it happen. It seems that way.
So yea, I see it as a real possibility ... that she'll begin campaigning for a trip to the Shack for her bday .. and .. all the cautions in the world won't stop that from forward progress. If it does go in that direction, it'll be without much more dialogue coming from me, other than .. "Said I wasn't gonna be a part of it, ya'll enjoy" .. and that'll be it. I'll be the lone wolf . the bad guy . the killjoy . and so forth . but seems I've had to wear that hat a lot thru all this .. I wouldn't define it that way .. I'd define it as the "realist" . but .. that's not how my words get perceived and I can't change it.
Interesting observation from the other night, where it kinda dawned on me, .. in being in that setting .. and I kinda grapple with it presently .. as to what to do.
It's been a notion that DH . when he goes to see his mom . he generally will stay
he will generally stay there for a couple of hours . or maybe 3.
It's been thought, . by me . as well as SIL .. from afar, as I've shared with her, how distraught he gets at all her laments . and how guilty he feels . and how sorrowful it makes him . when he comes from there, at her pleas to "just can't I go back to my home, it was working before, .. I don't want to die here . don't leave me in a place like this to die ... ", so on and so forth.
It's been a thought/notion that he spends too long when he goes there, too long for "his own good". That his visits should be shortened ..
She has no real concept of time not really. You could be there all day with her, and she'd still ask you to not go ..
I've tried to encourage that he do just that .. just visit for like perhaps 30/45 mins and then leave. When there is dead air, and there is . dead air .. .she wants to fill it with her laments . and her poor poor plight . and she has a captive audience in his visits there. One can only fill the air w/so much as to conversation . she isn't one to sit and play dominoes or scrabble or card games .. and so it's conversation that wiles away the time .. and dead air, that then gets filled with the poor poor me . and he comes from there, so distraught himself, mostly.
It hit me like a ton of bricks when we'd returned from the outing the other night, accompanied her on into her room, helped her to get her teeth brushed and face washed, and into her pj's (me helping her) .. DH was over there in front of the tv watching an old Clint Eastwood western. When she finished with all the getting cleaned up and changed . and was now sitting in the bedroom in her wheelchair, DH chided her, .. "see mom . you could watch stuff like this" .. he gets on to her, if he goes there, she generally, if the tv is on . has it on one of the 24 hour cable news shows .. news is depressing ....
I've tried to tell him .. I think for her it's just idle noise DH . I don't think she's dialing in on what's going on in the world .. for us yes, news is depressing . but for her, it's just idle noise in the b'ground .. don't worry so much about what she's watching .. I'm not even sure she could dial in and follow along with much of any "show/movie", anymore.
So I was in the bathroom with her, her on the toilet .. had to help her with that .. and then taking off her (not soiled, thank you LORD) depends . and her slacks .. (she has a h377 of a time if doing so on her own . how does one take off slacks if they can't even really lift their foot off the floor, no leg strength .. and hand dexterity and balance are such issues that bending over to pry the pant leg off the foot . isn't really good either .. she has one h377uva time accomplishing that). So picking up each foot and then scooting off the pant leg . and the slacks and the Depends .. and then ... putting on another pair of Depends by lifting the leg off the floor . and the same with pj bottoms.
Then when she's done . .. up from the toilet which is a whole other struggle to get upright . and then once that's done . holding on for dear life to one hand on a grab bar, the other on a wheelchair locked in place, and now pants/Depends that are gathered at the bottom of her legs . and to grab those to pull them up.. one is gonna have to now let go .. and use that hand .. either the one on the grab bar, or the one on the locked in place wheelchair and her balance issues ... OY VEY ........ to do that .. she's at real risk of falling .. has such poor balance.
So I was helping to get all that done.
Her now pivoted (another feat that's nearly impossible) into and seated in her wheelchair and now I scooted her up to the sink to brush her teeth and wash her face (that she can do on her own).
Then got her PJ top on . .and buttoned it for her, as she said to me, "Oh thank you, I'd still be here an hour from now trying to get these buttoned".
So got all that done, while DH sat
While DH sat watching the old Clint Eastwood movie . and him having chided his mom who had now arrived to that area of the room, "See mom you could watch this kinda stuff instead of that dam news you keep on tv all the time".
And in case anyone is wondering, yes DH has done just what I did, in helping her, numerous times, me not there.
I don't generally go with him to visit his mom . and I don't go alone even ..not at all what I thought would be the case .. but as it turns out, that's indeed kinda how it plays out .. maybe once a month or once every few weeks I hop in the car when he's going and go with him . but not more than that.
Reason behind that is that I deal with "his" sadness .. at it all, and I can't go there and listen to her's too. I just can't. It's more than I wanna deal with, sorry not sorry.
I will say that I am far more masterful than is he . in that setting with changing course in that conversation when it goes there .. far better at it. But I'm not generally there for 2 and 3 hours, if I'm along .. I usually have somewhere else we also have to be, and so am tapping on the watch in about an hour, . in a notion of "let's go".
And generally, if I'm along, that kinda dialogue does come up .. but I am far better at changing the subject than is he. If I'm along for the visit . he is usually dialed into something on tv, be that a baseball game . he's kinda dialed out and it's left in my court .. as to any conversation .. so I would imagine if I were a fly on the wall to his visits there alone . it's not a setting that he dials out . he's probably more finely attuned to conversing with her . and so the conversation drifts into the poor poor me.
I think some of that .. yea .. it's gonna be said . she's not gonna be happy about having to be there, and some of it yea . you can answer .. "yea I know it's tough" .. but .. it can't hang there .. is MO, and I don't let it. I will generally answer in that realm . "yea that getting old stuff it aint for cissies . isn't that what they say, man look at those beautiful flowers, didn't DH do a good job of picking out some fresh flowers .. hey that candy we brought you .. you should set that out, . offer the staff to have some if they want it, they might like that".
I don't let it linger there, .. I just don't .. I change course, I acknowledge I heard her, . and I agree . but the move conversation elsewhere ...
And in that vain also with bearing in mind, that it's been thought . .by SIL and by myself . he spends too long when he goes there (he does that because I think he'd like to go there every day but time constraints don't allow that, . so when he does go there, he wants it to count for something, thus stays 2 and 3 hours).
It hit me like a ton of bricks in that setting the other night, me along . us bringing her back in from the outing and then helping her to get situated for the night, . me there too.
As we sat, her now joining as DH was watching the western on tv . and chiding her momentarily about all the news she keeps on .. and her now asking, "What is this?" . he told her .. and so she made a stab at watching it, but as I've said .. I'm not real sure she really can follow along with any story of a movie/show at this point . her attention span maybe not capable . and so it wasn't long she lost interest ..
And here's where that went.
Me: "MIL I just love your new room, . you're now back in this quieter area, that's good, .. have they said anything about a new roomie for you".
MIL: "yea, .. I thought that too when they brought me here .. it's quieter but then yesterday some of em began to congregate outside and laugh and cackle and I thought . oh no here we go again .. but it didn't last long . and they moved on along and so it was quiet . it's quieter here, no I'm sure they'll find someone for me, I only hope it's no one like CC, .... that all but did me in .. that whole
MIL continuing on: "that whole thing with CC, that all but did me in .. I don't think I've ever in my life been as depressed as I was with all that .. I just wan't able to pull myself along and up out of it . stayed in the bed for days .. you know it's just awful how she talked to me, .. I mean she used every curse word in the book . and I've never in my life been talked to like that by anyone . that so shook me .. and it's going to take a long long time before I can bounce back out of that, you know when you get old, it doesn't happen quickly .. you just don't bounce back quickly . that really was so very upsetting and so hard .. I thought she was nice . but she isn't . .she's a mean callous person that CC".
(Now bear in mind, .. DH .. is dialed in on the tv, not listening to a bit of this .. it's she and myself talking . her mostly).
That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks . there's the problem right there.
Had it been DH here ... chances are, he wouldn't be able to dial out . he'd be the only one here, these laments would start, . he's generally here for too long . and so the lamenting begins . him not dialed out and into a tv program and so .. he lets it go on . he's not good at changing course .. and so . he sits and listens to it (I've tried to tell him .. and show him . you have to change the subject, you can't stay so long DH .. but it doesn't stop it . he does what he does . then comes home from there so sad and forlorn) ..
My answer to her, DH dialed out, not paying a bit of attention to what was being talked about: "yea that was really tough, but look you survived it . and how nice of them that they were acting on it, and listening to you here . and they got you moved .. and did so pretty quickly .. and for now .. you have this nice room, all to yourself, and I'm sure they are searching for someone for you to room with and that person may be just wonderful .. and look .. I like the colors they used in here, it's bright and cheery .. and those flowers .. man those flowers they brought you from church, they still look good, how old are those . like two weeks now . that's astounding .. they still look so pretty .. hey where is that bag of chocolate bars, I think I'd like something sweet, want some?".
And I just didn't let her live there in that sad depressing dialogue . I don't.
If I say that to DH . he says, "well she's sad . it's hard for her, this is nothing she ever wanted .. and she's living out her worst nightmare, . .she's gotta be able to talk about it".
I might counter with DH .. and I have . "she has a therapist DH . that's what the therapist is for . for her to sort all that out .. and you can't let her set up camp there . you have to change course . and make the visit be more pleasant . for you and for her .. it's not good that she just lives there in that space .. and then you come home sad too".
It hit me like a ton of bricks . but I am grappling with it, and whether to act on it ..
That's the problem . I don't go with him .. maybe I SHOULD be going with him more than NOT going with him . not every time, but certainly more than I do.
I change course .. I change the subject, .. I don't let her live there in that space . he doesn't .. and if I'm along .. I make certain the visits aren't as lengthy .. and so he is then forced to not stay as long... upping the chances that the conversation turns to poor poor me ... and he captive to it.
It really did it me . in that setting . there's a solution.
But it's not like I walked away from that notion that popped into my brain with, "Well there ya go Dorker, just do it". Nope, not sure I wanna. So I'm grappling with it.
I am also keenly aware .. that I was the one helping her .. and he was dialed out (though he's done so numerous times in his sole visits) would also build a wall of .. "she's not that much trouble". No I guess not, you're dialed out DH . when we visit, it's me helping her. Something to ponder.
I'm surprised you did the getting-ready-for-bed (plus toileting) routine with MIL after the outing to Brick. It would have been a good chance to see MIL's usage (or not) of the call button to get someone to help her.
One time I returned my mother to the NH after a stint in the ER. It was 11:30 p.m. at night. The nurse at the station said, "The hospital didn't call and tell us she was coming back!" (So that means...what? That my mother had to leave?) I told a CNA in the hall that my mother was there and needed help getting ready for bed. She gave me a dirty look. I'm sure she would have loved if I did all of that. But I didn't. I said goodbye to my mother and drove home.
One comment about the Shack -- I find it pretty surprising that they haven't retrofitted their bathrooms to be ADA accessible, even if they don't legally have to. They are not very socially responsible. If they are that cheap, I'd also be wondering if they are cheap in other ways. Have you seen an online health inspection?
I think she still has that propensity though, .. remember just a few days back when she texted me, .. (why me, I don't know) that she found this website . that her mom's sister uses .. for drawstring pants .. thinks her mom needs drawstring pants
Remember it was just back in June or so .. that MIL had lost so much weight . that she needed new slacks .. and so SIL put DD on it, and specified they be elastic waist . .as she can't do buttons/zippers.
And DD did so.
And so now, for some reason .. we have a "a need" for drawstring pants.
She still has a propensity to order from afar, .all that she thinks will satisfy the whims of her mom.
I did answer her, . I called her, and it went about like this: "have you lost your mind SIL? Do you not remember that you had DD on this back in June and she bought all new slacks for your mom .. you forgot that? All elastic waist .. I mean ... what are you thinking .. drawstrings? Seriously ..??.... she can't even button her own PJ's without problems . who is gonna come and tie the drawstring .. and untie it for toileting .. and not to mention when/if the drawstring happens to drop into the toilet .. and now she needs a new pair of slacks on .. that one is soiled, and the worst of it all, the laundry there, drawstrings now coming out in the wash and no one can find them .. no . that's a bad idea ... ".
SIL: "Oh yea, I guess I hadn't thought about all that. She just says that everything it too big on her, .. that she's lost more weight .. and .. those I mean those . I'd gotten her a couple of pairs before I left town of those .. I dunno what you'd call em . those pull on pants .. like with pockets in the front, kinda made like out of the material you use for sweat shirts . and those are pull on with elastic waist and she says those are too big .. and says she's lost weight .. and I know that Aunt CC (her mom's sister that's 94 yo) she says that she uses the drawstring pants and if her weight drops she just ties them tighter . wonder how Aunt C does that .. doesn't she have problems with her hands at her age . who knows".
Me: Maybe her arthritic hands aren't as bad as MIL's .. maybe it's not a struggle for her .. we know she doesn't use a wheelchair and have the mobility issues that MIL does . and she probably is better at making sure the drawstring doesn't drop into the toilet . and she maybe has someone come in to do her laundry or maybe she does it herself, who knows .. but the mere thought of the drawstrings that would get lost in the wash .. and now missing .. I just think that's a really bad idea for a lot of reasons".
SIL: "yea I don't guess I thought about all that".
Just as a conversation went about a month ago, when SIL was imploring on this end, that we maybe pick up a box of those assorted peanut butter crackers and have that on hand for her mom, who complains the food has gotten so bad there, . that it's a pervasive complaint there .. among all .. and that she isn't eating good, loosing more weight.
To my counter: "yea we'll get some crackers, might be nice to have on hand for a snack . but .. she IS eating .. I'm here to tell ya .. she DOES eat .. we've seen her, so any notion that she's not eating .. toss that aside, .. we've been there on 3 different occasions as a meal tray was brought in and seen that she DOES eat .. maybe not all of it . but she does make a stab at it, . and you remember SIL .. in that care meeting . you voiced some concern about her weight . and they looked it up and said that there's been no drastic weight loss .. so they did look at that. Yes, she did lose a lot of weight from the time she was at
at your house, where it was 176 ...but now . it's reported at 148 .... and that .. as they told us when you asked about that . has been the range it's stayed . that's about what it was when they got her, .. and that was subsequent to a broken hip and a hospitalization for UTI . and rehab for broken hip and so forth . so yea . she did lose a lot of weight thru all that, but since they got her, . back in April . .it's stayed right around there, .. it hasn't dropped . you had them check that, remember".
SIL: "Yea, I do remember that, thank you for reminding me, maybe she just has to have something to complain about . maybe they all do .. she talks about how bad the food has gotten there, and that she's not eating .. and ... she's loosing more weight . and her clothes not fitting".
Me: Well I'm here to tell you, she DOES eat .. she's not refusing meals .. and so if there is any drastic weight loss . that's monitored there ..
So . SIL very much still has the propensity to order from afar, all that will right the course of the universe for her mom's world and everything sunny and rosy.
That got us talking about . how I get ready to bonk everyone in my hemisphere's head ...
YD with the notion of taking MIL for an outing and to the Shack specifically (something SIL sees the pitfalls of) ... and YD's notion, "Mom it's not that big a deal, just put Depends on her .. if she has to relieve herself, just tell her to go in her pants".
Me, looking at YD like she's nuts: "Yea . that's what I wanna do, sit in a restaurant with someone that has just chit in their pants and smell that .. and not to mention ............. would you wanna sit in soiled pants ... I wouldn't".
Me telling SIL: "Sometimes I think these people around me are NUTS ............. I mean it, seriously!".
SIL: "I know .. M called me the other day (M is her daughter, the one I implored back several months ago to get her to help me to help her mom see reality . her mom is NOT suitable for ALF, and she did just that, called her mom and made her see she has rocks for brains if she thinks her mom can hang with the rigors of an ALF . and their requirements to show up at the dining room for meal times, and participate and on her own clock management skills, etc., she did that, got her mom to see reality, same M). M called me the other day and she said granny is just not happy . she's not happy at all where she is .. we need to just go get her . and bring her up here, and we can put her where we have N (her new mom in law, has just been placed in an ALF .. and has dementia issues and it will soon turn to a MC .. portion but N . is her new mom in law .. and they have her now in a private pay - sounds nice .. ALF) .. we can just go get granny and bring her up here and she can be where N is .. and be happier, she's miserable where she is.
SIL then telling me her answering to her daughter . that was tried remember, we offered to find her a place up here, she didn't wanna be here, wanted to be in FL .. doesn't like the climate here, . the people are different . midwesterners .. doesn't like it here .. no . and do you know .. are you nuts . the logistics of trying to do that.
Her daughter then saying to her .. "well why does she have to be in such a dreadful place, .. I mean she's so unhappy there .. and all the slumpers . and all the people that look so disheveled .. isn't there somewhere nicer".
Her explaining to her daughter that yes, there probably are nicer places perhaps . but that they are private pay . MIL isn't private pay ..
Her daughter then asking her, .. "why does she have to be with all the impoverished".
Her explaining to her daughter, she doesn't have resources like N (M's new mother in law) .. and .. she is a Medicaid pay ..
I thought it was funny when she said to her daughter .. "those same slumpers . and folks that are just out of it, they are in those nicer places too . maybe they have more
maybe they have more in their bank accounts or jewelry in a safe deposit box somewhere . but they are just as disheveled and just as out of it .. I don't know how you look at someone that is in a varied state of dementia and tell who has $ and who doesn't .. maybe some that are where granny is .. they too have $ .. and are at that place for whatever the reason . you don't know.
I was kinda surprised that M was coming at this from any angle of "we gotta move her, shes not a bit happy there"
M was the realist that helped her mom to see it's no longer tenable to be her c'taker .. and she needs too much . she needs to be in a setting for that care . she's the one that helped her see that. She's the one that even made the trip here to go and look at facilities and an awareness on her part, . at least at that time . that MIL is to be a Medicaid . and when you look at the list of what's out there .. and some are crossed off the list, so you don't even go look at them . because they do not take Medicaid.
At one time .. M was here . the realist . and seeing all of that and an awareness ..
But I guess . this far removed from it . by 1000 miles .. and her own life .. she has forgotten ..
So SIL having to remind her daughter.
She too, telling me that she feels like she sometimes wants to knock people in the head . at the "reality" that is.
Yes they should be more socially aware and irregardless of law or not . update their facility to be more welcoming to those with disabilities. I agree w/that. Not sure why they don't see fit to do so. Not right of them . and I guess . we could if we cared to .. and many like us .. refuse to patronize a biz that is socially inept.
Maybe if many like us would do so .. they'd be forced to make some changes. But .. my guess is .. I don't know, don't know the owners .. this place has been around since maybe the 1950's .. and in some senses it looks it .. the food is safe to eat there, accdg to the health reports .. and the site and it's equipment found to be in working order (temps of fridges/freezers, etc) .. they have so many that come there, routinely packing the place out (one would think that would afford they certainly have the $ to update) ... maybe they figure, .. "we like the rustic feel of the place, . gonna keep it that way". I really don't know.
There are plenty of other places we could spend our $ that do have a social consciousness/awareness. Obviously by seeing how many people routinely go there, it's not something that prohibits us (them) from patronizing their biz .. and so .. for whatever their reasons . they haven't seen fit to update and come into compliance with ADA requirements.
I do know, by law . they don't have to .. unless they go to make other renovations there to the site .. they get "grandfathered" in so to speak .. and so . bathrooms that aren't up to ADA code, is the norm there.
I did think . the other night, it did dawn on me, time to change her, . for PJ's and so forth .. have her use the call button . it did dawn on me. But .. I opted for helping her myself, as the evening had gone pleasant enough . and I didn't want the whole drama of .. "see, see how it goes, .. I push that button and no one ever comes" and that all playing out. Let me just do it myself, and I did, without even prompting her to use the call button.
As infrequent as I go there, .. and help with anything .. sometimes you just opt for what is *less drama for you* and do it yourself. That's the option I chose.
If I were there as much as DH is .. I wouldn't be helping her .. I'd insist she use the button . but he's gonna do what he does .. and I can't change that.
I think he does, at times, .. insist she do so . and generally that does bring about all the lamenting that they never come. They are awfully slow to respond . in my observation . they come . yes . but it may take 15/20 mins . which to a person who has no concept of time . is an eternity.
You’ve got dh at one end of the pool - the deep end. Dh is not an experienced swimmer, yet off he goes into the deep end - he can’t keep his head above water - dog paddling (flowers and candy) until he’s exhausted (flowers don’t make good floatation devices) and ready to sink (couldn’t we just put her in our yellow bedroom) OR he flips over on his back and floats (Clint Eastwood movie) using you, Dorker - as his life jacket.
Then there is M and YD and to a lesser extent DD - wadding around in the shallowest of the shallow end. Ever notice that the water is warmer down there - in the shallow end. Plus, generally - down there in the shallow end - you typically don’t get your hair wet and most of the time your makeup doesn’t even get too smudged. It’s much, much easier to get out of the shallow end with just rinsing off the icky pool water - you dry off, get dressed and get on with your day - having spent minimal effort recovering from being in the pool at all.
Dorker you don’t worry too much and if anyone tells you that, pay them no mind. You don’t worry, you simply look at the bigger picture and you think things through. And you are surrounded by people who don’t think things through.
This might sound heartless but a part of me doesn’t feel sad for H. All those years you were steppin and fetchin’ and running yourself in to the ground so MIL could stay in her home. all those years SIL did the same......where was H? Out living his life, working, hunting, attending church functions. And now he feels bad for his mother because she’s in “that God forsaken place” and she’s miserable and depressed and he can’t handle it? If I was you I would be so tempted to remind him that he had years to take care of his mother in her own home and HE let that ship sale. I would be so tempted to ask him where he was all those years.....that’s not to say MILs situation isn’t sad and depressing because it is. I don’t think any of you should feel happy that she’s in a nursing home until the cloud comes to get her. I just think that dwelling on it and letting sadness and sorrow take over isn’t healthy and it isn’t beneficial. Might as well make the best of the situation. And I agree, spending 3 hours visiting is too long and I don’t see why you should start visiting with him? Neither of you should be toileting and changing MIL, let the staff do that. I’d let her push the call button and see how long it takes for them to come. If they took long, THEN I would help her and complain about the response time.
Yes, .. if she needed her toilet fixed or a piece of fence fell down, or a sprinkler head went awry .. or any other of a hundred fixit jobs . yes indeed, he was.
I remind him that she complained in those days .. "do I have to get my name on a list there at that church for him to come spend time with me".
That he chalks up to (won't see it for what it is) .. her dramatics .. academy award winning dramatics.
I remind him that I used to beg him to "go spend the night there w/her .. not because something needs to be fixed, but just to spend time with her" . he didn't want to. I remind him . that I used to beg him .. "let's go take her out to lunch after church on Sunday" .. oh but he had a church to try to save at that time, a church that was in free-fall. I remind him of all that.
I remind him there were countless opportunities that HE be the one to cart her to doc appts and he did .. one or two .. but then found out quickly what I already knew, .. she always wants to tack other stops on it all, and his argument "I don't have time for all that, I have to work".
He gets reminded . not so much anymore. When one won't see it .. and own it, .. all you're doing in continuing to bring it up .. is creating divisive and argumentative air .. and so .. I don't . not much anymore.
But yes, it does .. at times make my blood boil . if/when he comes in all sad and forlorn . and "can't we just take her in here .. that's what people used to have to do before there were NH's .. people just took their old folks in and took care of them".
And I have to remind him .. I DID TAKE CARE OF HER ..................... IT GOT TO BE TOO MUCH .............. so did your SISTER ........... and there's no "We" to it .. "you have to work remember?!?!?!?, there's no "We" in any of this, it's ME .. your sister can't move here .. and she doesn't wanna be there where your sister lives, it's ME it falls to .. and NO, not just NO .. H377 NO!".
Yes it's sad ... I agree it is, and I can't think of anyone in their right mind that finds it a happy thing that their LO has to be in a NH.
I wish she could be like (the most recent dust up) .. the woman where DH recently did some work in her home, 94 yo living alone .. on a cane, at times .. and somewhat mobile, brain pretty okay .. living all alone . as he came home from there yet again, .. "Why didn't my mom get those genes .. why does she have to be the one with all the mobility issues that prohibit her ability to live alone . why couldn't she have been like Mrs R ... she's 94 yo and living alone still, and doing okay . .why does it have to be mom's plight that she can't".
Me: "I don't know DH . why didn't I get the genes that allow me to be a rocket scientist .. why didn't you get the genes that allowed you be a famous baseball player and earning millions .. I don't know, figure that one out, and you've created a monster as to driving DNA, .. who knows".
It's enough to make my blood boil. Granted, I am not as close to my dad as he and his family all have been. And my dad was not the "good/caring parent" his mom appears to have been in our youth. But I too could be singing the blues ... "why does my poor dad have to be stricken with cancer, why does he have to have a wife that's bat chit nutz".
I don't.
My dad has cancer because he smoked all his life. His wife that's bat chit nutz is so because of the genes she inherited .. so be it .. life is what it is. I'm not coming from my dad's (I stay away a lot . grab some gone as he would term it).. coming home from there sad and forlorn . and woe with the whole thing . .it's all so sad.
I mean H377 why am I not living in the Caribbean on some wonderful tropical mansion . and servants at my beckon call? Life is life! It just is.
Not very socially aware and they are nixing themselves out of the dollar they could earn by being accommodating to those who need those kinds of facilities. Obviously more dollars would be coming in their door, if they'd make their facilities more accessible.
But my guess, ... they ain't gotta. They have "plenty" of business without going to that expense. Yes, they should be seen as not being as accommodating and maybe some should refuse to line their pockets for that reason . but doesn't appear anyone cares all that much. I guess, we too are guilty of that, as we go there, spend our dollars there .. and we could certainly choose to refuse .. and go elsewhere .. for that very reason . and we don't.
I guess one day someone will come along and sue them, then it might have to change.
"no, I work full time" and told them while I have very little vacation left, my DH, their SON, has much time.
My DH reamed me a new one for not wanting to go. He tried the "women are better at these things" and I told him to shove that @#$#.
I reminded him that he NEVER came to take care of my dad with dementia, that I had no vacation left, that MIL and FIL have always treated me like @#$#, and that HE WAS THEIR SON.
Reluctantly he went out for a week and it was hell. His normal reaction with them is to hide when they start in - but he could not - he had to help toilet, fetch water, fetch a book, fetch this, fetch that. FIL is unreasonable and demanding. Apparently there were a few blow ups when my DH got pushed too far (heee heeee) and he came home mad as h377. That should silence once and for all any notion that we would move to a larger house and have them live with us in an in-law suite. [I have told him the day they move in - I move out and I mean it] After giving him a large glass of wine, a nice welcome home dinner, listening to him vent - he sort of laughed and said that I should keep threatening to divorce him if he is so misguided as to think of large house, in law suite. I told him his experience is one I had far too much with my dad and we then and there made an agreement - we will help our elders but we will not be hands on caregivers. We will focus on our 11 year old son, work to plan our retirements, and help without living with - our elders.
FIL is recovering and they want him to come back in the winter. My MIL is going to replace her knees and while she is in rehab - they want my DH to cook and clean for FIL - apparently he can't do for himself. My DH said "no, hire a cleaning service and get Meals on Wheels" - they are pretty angry about that.
Anyway - Dorker, just a story that your DH might need to be deep in eldercare before he gets it. Which I do not understand why he is so clueless - did he think you and SIL were just crabbin' when you said you couldn't do it anymore? What the H?
My DH is in a situation where his mom is failing, fast, then slow---kinda a rollercoaster ride. I 'guess' she's ok now, I wouldn't know. Nobody returns my texts or phone calls about her. DH says EVERY SINGLE DAY "I should go visit my mom" and I agree. Does he go? Goodness, no. And the reasons are so stupid. "She'll be in bed" (It's 6:30) She's too tired. (How would he know? He doesn't even text her) "I have to fix the roof" (took him over a week to do a 15 minute job I'd hired a guy to do) "I need to take care of you" (This is beyond laughable. His idea of 'caring for me' is making his own bed.
Truth is, he hates his mother. Not an unusual dynamic, I know, but to go to her house for an hour will just get him SO ANGRY. Then he comes home and tells me how awful she is. I just agree, but my suggestion he simply call her and say "I'm bringing you some soup from that soup place you love" take the soup and be gone in 30 minutes. When she gets all mopey and nasty, he walks out the door. Won't do it.
His SISTER is up there every single day. DH has decided that he'll just pay SIL back for all her work out of MIL's inheritance. That's so patently stupid! MIL wants HIM there, her other son (like Dorker's other BIL) is totally MIA and will not call or visit her for anything.
All the fussing over your MIL has just left me speechless many times. I still--after what, 20+ months, cannot figure this woman out. And the sick and twisted relationships she has with people.
You were kind, Dorker, to help MIL dress for bed. WHO picked pjs with buttons? Why doesn't she just have lounger-type pjs that work for day and night? No buttons--at the most, zippers.
Well, not your problem.
I imagine this week will being a new roomie and ensuing temper flares.
My DH will not live long enough to understand how hard true CG IS. He has been a lousy CG to me while I fight cancer, and a worse one (if possible) to his mother who will probably live forever.
Sad thing is, they THINK they are doing a stellar job--and we know differently. Nothing to be done, just I know next time my DH has some health crisis, and he will, I am going to CG for him with exactly the same level of love and concern as he has for me and his mother.
When we'd been with MIL the other day for the *outing* .. I noticed her hands are tremoring badly. Seen that before, .. way back when w/the broken hip and so forth and rehab . .and SIL got that attended to, they put her on some kinda med for it .. and I hadn't noticed tremors so badly .. hadn't made note to look, but I don't go enough to see her, to see much of what goes on.
I had remarked about it to MIL .. "your hands, they are trembling so .. are you cold, are you nervous?".
Her answer, "No . they just do this . it's been worse since that whole mess with CC, I tell ya that all was just so bad . and shook me up so bad .. and my hands, they're a mess".
I didn't say anymore about it to MIL.
So then .. when in conversation with SIL .. (and I know it's always an option to NOT talk to her . but I don't chose that option . not in general . unless she starts throwing demands my way . in which case she gets reminded she has a brother here .. she can throw the demands in his direction, she doesn't generally do so .. sans the other day with the mysterious link she sent my way and the pondering on drawstring pants for MIL, and why that landed in my view .. I'm still not sure, unless she thought maybe I'd take the bait and order away ... she thought wrong).
So, just in conversation with SIL .. and her inquiring: "How was mom, did she seem to be doing okay, was she happy to get to go out somewhere?".
I answered the latter that yes, it did seem to please her .. and I answered the former, .. "what's with the tremors in her hands, did they pull her off the med to treat that for some reason?".
Went like this.
SIL: Her hands are tremoring? I didn't know that .. no, she's supposed to be on the med .. I wonder if she's still on it".
Me: "Hmm .. I dunno".
SIL: "I'll have to put in a call and see if they still have her on that med".
Me: "Yea I guess you should".
That was the end of that. Til today.
She texted .. that she's tried twice to reach the unit manager there, and left VM's both times .. and no return phone call (not all that unusual .. .but somehow I think maybe they don't return her calls, because to do so .. at least with her, one would need to hire their own personal assistant . just for the sole purpose of fielding her concerns . daily). I think they DO .. return her calls, just not at all as promptly as one might wish for.
So .. she texts me that she's left two VM's .. and no return phone call and asks the following:
SIL: "If DH is going there to see mom .. can you ask him to check on that, they don't return my phone call .. can you ask him .. I think it's called "P something or other" . .and it's rx'd to treat her tremors .. can you ask him to check on that, at the nurse desk . and see if she's still on it".
I answered: "If I see him, yea I'll mention it, . not sure what his plans are for today, but I'll tell him if I see him".
So then in a little while, I'm talking with DH on the phone about something entirely different, not the above topic and ..
Me: "Oh yea, .. if you go by to see your mom . if you would . .accdg to your sister, check at the nurse desk . .she wants you to find out if your mom is still on that "P something or other" med .. something to do with treating the tremors in her hands.
DH: "Uh . .hmmm .. yea, not sure I'm going there .. I may not get there at all today".
Me: "Okay up to you".
And with that, done with it.
Now I guess .. she will text me to see if he went there, and what was the answer given and I will answer her, .. "I don't know if he got there and asked them . check with him" .. and I'LL BE DONE WITH IT. Boundaries.
I don't mind helping some . and passing along a little simple something . but I'm not gonna as I once did, dog him to the ends of the earth as to a directive from afar .. and then make it my charge to see it thru.
Why is it that DH didn't notice the
notice the tremors? I sure did ..
I dunno . why does he do the things he does or doesn't do .. who knows. Could I have mentioned it to him . "gee your moms hands . .whoa . the trimmers .. I wonder what happened to the med that she used to take ... is she still on that med?".
I could've taken it to the nurse desk myself . (likely they wouldn't answer me .. I'm not POA .. and .. I don't know if they'd give me that info).
I could've directed DH to go down to the nurse desk when we were there, and handle it ..
But I didn't really give it all that much concern at the time. Only mentioned it in passing in conversation with SIL .. and I guess .. she who will dial down on every finite detail . (as she should, as should her brother) .. will dog it to the ends of the earth . (as it should be, and dial down on what's going on with that).
Also just a little funny quip from the other day. DD is the one who signed MIL out (we were there, on site, but she's the one who signed for her to leave the premises). When we returned, she is the one who signed her back in.
DD then reporting a funny to us . as she'd done so, the nurse asked of her: "Are you the daughter from IL . .is your name "S" ... ??".
DD: NO! I'm her niece though . no no ... that's not me .. .no".
Nurse at desk: "Oh okay .. I just wondered . wanted to put a face with a name .. we talk to her all the time".
DD: "I imagine you do, .. you think you guys have it rough .. try being her niece, she doesn't hold back with any of us .. she likely does with you guys".
Nurse laughing: "Oh yea, I can imagine, we talk to her every day .. usually more than once ... and I tell ya . if you'll let me know when she's coming to town . so I can schedule the day off, I'd appreciate it".
Both of them laughing.
And we wonder why SIL doesn't get a call back . or maybe not as promptly as she'd like.
I think she likely bugs the crap out of them!
I guess her mom complained (she's gotten that rectified) .. the apparatus they use over the toilet seat . think a bed side commode's framework .. same as her previous room . she was given one for this room also . and it .. I tell ya, I noticed it, but didn't take any action . if you breathe the thing moved .. it wasn't stable at all, not like the one she had in the previous room .. a little more sturdy . this one . if you so much as tap it . by mistake it moves. Not stable at all.
I guess her mom complained .. (to her daughter, who else . not to staff . maybe she doesn't know to do so . maybe she's incapable of doing so . can't remember . who knows .. but it was her daughter she complained to) and that has now been corrected.
MIL does now have a new roomie, a Jamaican woman who is . it's said .. only there for temporary rehab.
What happened to the woman the SW was going to check on as to being her new roomie, someone more social . and goes to activities, etc ..
Who knows. She has a roomie now, .. (don't know . not said whether she's nice or monsterous .. I'm sure we will know .. what the woman ate for dinner and everything else about her, in short order) . said she is there for temporary rehab ..
SIL posing . "Wonder why they'd put someone in there that's only there temporarily and what will that do to MIL">
Me: "I don't know, maybe ask the staff there, if they ever return your call, .. I wouldn't know".
SIL: "It's so hard . I'm at such a disadvantage being all the way up here an dependent upon return phone calls that don't seem to get returned .. I wish I was there, so I could just drop in .. ".
Me: "But she wanted to be in FL by golly .. she's in FL".
At that, subject changed . (not prompting me to hop in the car and head that way . nope .. not doing it).
:-( and the mom is still in that God forsaken place.
space issue - at times I can barely stand to share MY bedroom with my husband and we’ve been together 21 years.
It just seems so... ummm... violating. Probably too strong of a word but the best I can come up with right now. It’s just... a steady stream of different strangers seeing me and all of my chitapalooza?!? No thanks. I think I’d rather be strangled in my sleep by CC.
The SW it was said late last week, upon this move, .. was going to talk to one of the other residents that has requested to move (reasons unknown to us) and this other resident, said to be social, participates in activities, etc .. and see if that woman would be willing to move. Don't know what happened there, but that's not who ended up as of yesterday as new MIL roomie.
DH just a little perturbed with SIL who then, upon hearing that MIL has a new roomie, who "IS NOT" the person that was mentioned as a resident there, wanting to move .. but is a temporary rehab patient .. SIL now questioning, . "why would they do that, how is that going to impact mom .. the fact this person will only be temporary, how temporary .. what will happen when she leaves .. who will she get as roomie then, what happened to the original person they were going to check on, to see if she'd be willing to move .. that person sounded like it would be a better fit for mother. SIL then putting in a call to get an explanation.
As DH put it, .. "whaddya want . whaddya expect from these people, c'mon".
SIL it turns out, did reach the SW to ask that question, .. "how'd she end up now rooming with someone who is temporary .. what happened to the original person you were referring to. Turns out SW didn't even know, had been handling about 3 other crises yesterday (unrelated) and didn't even know they'd moved someone into MIL's room, but said she'd go find out .. and .. didn't call back with any further explanation, not yet.
SIL worried .. as to how this will impact her mom . the fact this person will be moving on, and it'll be another roomie after that .. and will that roomie then be a temporary also, ..
DH a little perturbed with his sister, . that she seems to want to direct every living breathing step taken ... and .. one doesn't get to do that, unless one wants to be the c'giver f/t. I kinda concur, but am staying out of it.
And also, I found it kinda interesting myself ... that a cousin of DH's visited yesterday .. a cousin who doesn't reside in this state . used to .. all of her life, but moved away to TN a few years ago. This is a cousin that grew up with DH .. and all their lives .. thru all the years .. they all spent a lot of time together .. MIL's sister, now departed . her daughter, ... and so .. there was a time that cousin . if she walked into a crowded room, there'd be no miss as to who it is .. she happened to be passing thru town yesterday, stopped in to visit MIL. Hasn't seen MIL in maybe a year or so.
MIL didn't know her. She'd come in for a hug . and MIL recoiled a bit, "wait ...??.... who are you? .. Do I know you?".
Cousin announcing who she is, and how she should know her, "I'm J's daughter, I'm M .. remember?". No, not right away she didn't . had to be told a few times, and then it kinda . the light began to flicker just a bit as to who this person is . and recollection. Took a bit .. before she remembered.
Much the same thing happened a month or so ago, when the g'son she never sees visited .. didn't know who he was either, for a long while.
DH hearing this about the cousin who visited and MIL didn't readily recognize/realize who she is . it seemed to really take him back . that she'd not know who M is .. and yes, that is profound that she wouldn't recognize her right off hand, it is profound . not at all a surprise to me however. Her memory .. is not good . and I've been saying that .. so just kinda surprising to me that it sorta took DH back .. to hear that.
Yes, it does seem as though they'd try to room temporary rehabbers together. I do know SW hadnt been advised and actually heard that MIL now has a room mate, from SIL.
As SIL put it, "seems like the left hand doesn't know what the right hand is doing there". May be.
It's a 160 bed site.
The facility puts residents in beds based on need and availability - so what if this person is in permanently or temporarily. My dad had a roommate for one year, then several for a few weeks/months at a time, then finally no roommate his last six months as they didn't need the bed. this isn't college - these are old and ill residents that might pass away at any time, people rehabbing to hopefully leave, etc. No one knows how long they will be in the place. Criminey - tell SIL to find a damn hobby. Tell DH to put on his big boy pants.
Dorker, sounds like you’ve exhausted yourself remind H of missed opportunities to spend time with his mom at home, taking care of her. Sounds like maybe now he regrets not listening to you.
It sounds like SIL has made a nuisance of herself if the staff is wanting to take the day off when she’s there! I’m sure that employee was probably joking....half joking.....but the message is strong there. She’s been a bee in their bonnet! Wonder if she’s calling and fussing more than she lets on?
on the temporary roommate front, on the bright side, at least if MIL gets a roommate she crashes with, or who is like CC and goes to sleep with the TV blaring, it will only be temporary. She won’t have to put up with them for very long. I think if it were my mother or grandmother, I would rather they have a long term roommate because I would want her to bond with the roommate and become friends.