I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Yes, it's been my observation that DD's husband has FOWK. He has FOMO also .. just by what I've observed over the last 10 plus years he's been a part of the scene. But FOWK .. is not lost on him either, at least IMO. At least in my observation. But I stay in my lane on that topic. The truth of the matter is they don't live under my nose, so what goes on under their roof . as to FOMO or FOWK .. wouldn't be anything I'd have accurate knowledge about.
That is accurate .. a few weeks ago at the outing for MIL, it was me who gulped down every bite in record speed, so as to cart two yo's outside for a walk. Taking them out to dinner, (as is the case I suspect with almost all 2 yo's) is about the same as inviting wild raccoons to your dinner table. It's wild, that's for sure.
My observation is that he seems to get testy .. if left to manage on his own .. and isn't as patient/kind as maybe I'd have him be. Not abusive, not that I've ever witnessed . .but ... he certainly does get at his witts end, rather quick like, if left to manage on his own .. i.e. .. I could've just sat and leisurely tried to eat my meal and let it be "their problem" .. as to the wild raccoons. But .. there isn't anything leisure about that setting .. one whining they want down from the high chair, the other knocking over everything within their reach .. including the bites put in front of them .. as they've already satiated their appetite . so putting bites in front of them to continue eating .they get strewn about ..
I guess I set a precedent long ago that I'd be the step to it g'ma . and so .. I kinda just do that, step to it. Gulped down my food . and grabbed both of them up and out I went, for a long walk with them .. outside, . where they were perfectly behaved, now engaged by what's to see in store fronts and .. patio eating by others . with their pets along with them, sitting on the sidewalk outside, . and so they were fine .. happy as could be.
Why didn't their dad volunteer to be the one to gulp down his food and cart them out for a walk? Good question. He doesn't seem to. In fact, it's been my observation . just as a fly on the wall, almost anytime it looks as though he's gonna be the one solely in charge .. he either .. A) has something else that conflicts with his ability to man that ship . .or B) does so begrudgingly and .. one can witness him loosing patience with them, in pretty short order.
That's not how DD was raised. DD's dad . (my husband) .. has many faults . but manning the ship as to his own kids, wasn't ever one of them. He gladly did so, all the years they grew up.
Why DD doesn't choose to fight that battle . if in fact, it's any issue there under their roof, . is not my biz. I stay out of it. I watch them, when I can/when I feel like it, .. and I do for them, stepping to, when they're in my presence .. and that's just how I deal with it. I don't encourage her to push him .. I stay out of it. If I can't watch them .. I say so.
He is very very good with them, .. when in conjunction with DD. DD does most of it, .. but if she needs his hands/eyes/ears, legs, whatever, to attend to something . she speaks up and he hops to, and does so willingly . as long as DD is present.
This, staying in one's own lane . there is truly an art form to it . and biting one's tongue . til it bleeds at times.
SIL due to fly in this Saturday evening .. so .. we will see what becomes of O.H.T., and Shack as the days come. Not sure she even has any knowledge on any O.H.T. request. I haven't told her, staying in my lane.
Oooh SILs coming in town! I’m anxious to see how that grows. Do you need to brace yourself for her return Dorker? I’m just wondering if she’s going go to the nursing home and find disarray and things not her standard and start the group texts again.....”stay in your lane” I say. Make it the mantra. Stay in your lane and let her worry about MIL.
And while one might would off the cuff say .. "well let DH handle that . .he's the one that is more than past ready to get rid of that home and it's responsibilities .. let him deal with SIL".
Yea, right. These people don't talk to one another!
So there's a chance, .. she could make nice and so forth, as to the receiving of a hand made quilt for her, . and then ask one of us later to cart it outta there, doesn't want it.
DH went to visit his mom last night, got there just before 7 PM. Found her, lights out, in the bed, staring into space. Asked her why she'd gone to bed so early, she said she has a headache. He asked her if she'd called for a Tylenol or anything, and no she hadn't. So he did so .. and an aide came, . he requested a Tylenol .. and visited there for a while, Tylenol never came. DH went and found said individual to ask what happened as to the Tylenol request, . and was told the nurse has been apprised and will be by with some Tylenol for her. DH left.
As he said of her, having gone to bed, . and not requested a Tylenol: "she's just not with it".
Hopefully that little glimmer of realization of light shining in on his awareness of the reality of it all, will permeate the rest of it .. as it's failed to do in all this months.
Told him the church lady group has requested I accompany them, to visit there, to deliver the home made quilt. He asked if I've let MIL know we'd be coming. Told him no, she wouldn't remember to be on the lookout for us . and that's the truth. SIL aware that there is to be a visit on Monday by church ladies and me, (I told her) .. she will be in town at that point in time, but who knows if she'll be present or not. She, worried that visit will interfere with her mom's standing Monday hair appt. There aren't "appts" per se .. as to hair cuts, and such. It's first come first served there, and one wheels themselves to the hallway . and waits in line. SIL asking of me, can I contact the church group to ask if they can move it to afternoon. I responded no .. it seems to be the time that works for the 3 of them going . and I know for a fact, . .that it's first come, first served there, in fact, when her niece came breezing thru on her way back to TN a few weeks ago, she found her in line there for her hair appt . and took her outside to visit with her, then returned her to the line to wait for hair services, and we'll do the same if that's what we find when we get there.
Talking to DH . and he with "Maybe you should give mom a heads up you guys will be coming so she doesn't head to the salon . maybe tell her to hold off, til after you guys come and go".
Me looking at him like he has two heads: "No .. she won't remember .. even if I tell her, we'll just go . and if she's in line for her hair services, we'll take her out of line . visit with her, maybe outside for a bit .. and then return her to the line to wait".
Sheesh.
Sometimes, even with the little minutia of things . you see so clearly in hindsight, .. listening to these people and trying to follow their path as they'd direct it, is why I ended up about in the looney bin myself. It's not that big a dam deal .. it really isn't. So we get together as a group of church folks . and go visit . and it interrupts her hair services, it's not the end of the world folks!
And in talking with my dad yesterday. Apparent he'd spent the better part of the night or two before that, in the ER. Same problem ..
This chemo .. among the many nasty side effects. He gets so terribly, painfully, constipated. The last time, .. I gave a blow by blow here, .. being front and center to it all. They'd administered some kinda injection into his belly that was supposed to spur on bowel activity (it didn't). They gave him some liquid to drink, .. citrus something or other .. also supposed to promote bowel activity (it didn't) .. and when that failed, they did a manual extraction. By the next AM .. as I reported here, . it was a river flowing freely of chitapalooza on someone ill equipped to ambulate to the toilet and the mess that ensued. I was front and center to that event.
This time however, I didn't even know there'd been a visit to the ER. No one requested my presence.
He did impart to the MD there, .. the last time and all that had been done, and requested, this time, let's go easier, .. and just a manual extraction . to get things moving hopefully, let's leave off that injection and that citrus stuff .. that all had me in a mess for about a week. The MD obliged.
Him reporting in his telling of it all, how it had encompassed 4 hours of waiting out in the waiting area, before even being escorted to the back to a room, and in there, an add'l hour before even being seen at all by any medical staff, until stepmom went and complained .. "we've been here now about 5 hours and have yet to be seen by anyone". Sounds like that did spur some action.
I guess in the end, the manual extraction done, . and .. I guess some testing results in . and them free to go, wee hours of the AM by now. And so they wheeled dad to the curb in a wheelchair, this then sent stepmom to the parking garage to go get the car, to retrieve him, where she was approached by some nefarious looking character wandering aimlessly thru the parking garage at that God awful hour of the morning. And him . dad .. expressing how that is a concern . .. that it doesn't feel all that "safe" there in the wee hours of the night.
I guess that could've been opportunity for me to throw my hat into the wring with an exclamation of "well why in the world did you guys try to manage that on your own, you should have called me, I'd of come on over".
But I didn't, and won't be offering that.
The only thing I offered (and truthfully I have no way of knowing if it's even a viable suggestion) .. ."Dad . maybe next time, see if they'll have security walk out there to the parking garage with her".
Said it was unsettling .. to see . when carted outside, . .the number of police cars parked there in the ER driveway.
Who knows why, .. maybe a police man had been injured in the line of duty and that's where he/she was brought .. for ER services . maybe there'd been a crime committed . and police there to interrogate whoever might've been injured .. who can say. This is .. generally speaking . a good neighborhood where this hospital is located. There is a hospital here .. in the not so good area of town . and one that would yes, .. if one had to traverse those neighborhood streets in the middle of the night, one might be legitimately concerned, and for good reason. But this hospital isn't in a neighborhood like that. This is a good neighborhood.
My guess is that in just about any neighborhood, in the middle of the night, in the ER one might find .. police presence, .. depending on who was brought there for what ever the reason might be, .. and all over the country it might be that way.
It was unsettling to both of them, . in that . in the end, .. they didn't feel all that safe .. him having also reported some woman wandering around outside, wrapped in a blanket (as he sat waiting in his wheelchair, . accompanied by staff there to assist, once the car is brought to him) .. some woman wandering around wrapped in a blanket, and obviously some "doper" as he put it ..
My feeling, and yes I did "feel" a tug of .. "dorker step up . these
these are the kinds of scenarios where you can bring some security, some assurance . and .. help settle frayed nerves . step up and offer to be there".
But nope ... logic outweighed any offer, to do so. To do so is to be in the company of his bat chit crazy wife . and I have a hard hard time dealing with her ... and also his arguments with her, and the consternation it all brings . he loses patience with her and her incessant questions in her demented state and lashes out at her, audibly .. and .. it doesn't stop her, .. she has dementia . she doesn't remember that she's already asked that question 5 x's and it's been answered, . and so he lashes out angrily at her, .. and she continues on . with the same questions .. and the whole scene, just not one I care to be any part of, so no .. I didn't offer any "oh dad, . now why did you guys try to man that without me, you should've called me".
Grabbing a bunch of gone, as he would term the whole thing of his step daughter who he watched "grab a bunch of gone" as to the stepmom and her plights.
So be it.
There is a realization in me, .. that with the two of them and their marital dynamic of snapping at one another and biting and fighting and so forth . it works for them .. and that's fine, I don't have to like it. But I also don't have to put myself in that proximity.
And you maintained that boundary with your father -- hurray! You do not want to be the ER handler and transporter, and you do not want your sleep interrupted.
I am so glad you decided to "grab a bunch of gone." Your father grabbed a WHOLE BIG "bunch of gone" while you were growing up.
It's known .. there are no such things as appts there, doesn't exist. One just goes .. waits in line .. first come/first served. That was in fact, the approach on the very visit a few weeks back when a niece of MIL's breezed through town on the way back to her home in TN . .and stopped in for a brief visit. She was coming thru this way at the time of day that would have her .. (oh dread, heavens to mergatroid) .. in the vicinity of Purgatory at the hour that MIL would be found to be waiting in line for her standing Monday's .. hair services.
I guess we could've told the niece, don't bother visiting her, that will upend her hair services for the day. But no, that wasn't the approach. Niece went by, found MIL in line for hair services, wheeled her outside so they could visit a while, returned her to said line for hair services, departed and that was that.
So now I, if I'd of bought hook/line and sinker, .. the whole notion (and at one time I might've found it as imperative as others . no longer though), .. I'd of then been going to the three other persons attending this .. as church folks .. and asked to come along .. I'd of been going to each of them, "gee, that's gonna interfere with her hair services for the day .. can we go later in the day, are you all available for later".
And what if person A was, but person B and C were not, then it's a matter of coordinating what day is person A, B and C .. all available, and all at the same time .
No . no thank you.
I don't even know why it rates at all, as to even mention it. It aggravates me.
Why not just say "oh how kind of them, that was so thoughtful, I'm sure she'll enjoy it" . and then ... leave it dam be . as to "it might upset the apple cart as to her hair services for the day" . .leave that out of it.
I wanted to say .. "gee maybe she'd be happier if we just drive by and leave it at the desk for the staff to give her .. and not even bother with trying to visit". For crying out loud!
Nope. I just shut it down .. "no, not gonna ask them to go later in the day, . if we get there and find her in line for hair services, . we'll just take her out of line .. visit a while, then return her to the line .. not a big deal".
Left it at that.
And then DH with his .. "maybe you should give her a heads up so she doesn't go get in line for hair services".
LIKE SHE'D REMEMBER that she was told we'd be there. SHE WON'T REMEMBER, why bother even crossing that bridge.
These people!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I would never have considered it appropriate for my mom to wait in a line of wheelchairs for hairdressing services. That seems terribly demeaning.
+1 stay in your lane. Very appropriate for the road trip!
Found out tonight my Mum's planning road trip #2... to the O.H.T my sister lives in. Oh well, I WILL NOT be chauffeur - Dad can be if he chooses to again. I WILL ask them to get medical clearance - 2 elders: 1 needs cataract & carpal tunnel surgery - the other sight & hearing impaired, hemiplegic & doesn't drink enough. 1 car with broken air con.
Would MIL's doctor say "go for it" for that trip I wonder?
Wanted to see if they could stay here, at least that firsts night. Actually, pretty good idea. Going to stay at MIL's for that first night, there isn't a single thing to eat or drink in MIL's home. So SIL would have to, .. either go out to the local fast food place, for b'fast, or get up and hit it running, to get to the grocery store, tomorrow AM.
So yes, stay here .. and I have food/drinks, . etc.... make yourself at home.
I asked her (because these people, how do people go through life and not talk to one another, .. I'll never get it). "So what did you guys decide to do about MIL's 90th bday .. it's Tuesday ya know".
I know these people don't talk to one another. But I fully expected that perhaps MIL has leaned on her, as she has on DH .. "Well she wants to go to the Shack, .. I know it's gonna be a nightmare, .. they aren't really suited for folks in wheelchairs, but we'll somehow make it work".
Wouldn't of been a bit surprised to hear that as an answer.
But what I heard was: "I don't know, we haven't really settled on anything, .. are we going to try to do this on her bday, on Tuesday? That might be a problem in that, the later it gets in the day, the more tired MIL gets .. so . .earlier is better, but earlier isn't better as to DH ... he works and .. so him getting off earlier might be an issue".
Me: "I don't know I haven't asked him, to be honest".
SIL: "Maybe we should just do it on Sunday .. I get in late Saturday night, but we can just plan on going maybe mid afternoon or thereabout on Sunday . and then on her actual bday .. I'll be there, I'll be in town .. I can bring her something or whatever, but as to all of us trying to go . and take her out somewhere, might be better to shoot for Sunday".
Me: That works ... yea ... now where? Do you know where ... I know that DH has said several times that she wants to go to the Shack . and my vote . is no .. not on that as any location to go to .. it's just not as suited for folks who have wheelchairs .. as to getting around in there, kinda tight space . and the bathrooms, OMG .. just forget it .. if she has to use the bathroom .. or has chitapalooza .. just .. omg ... I'm just not going SIL if that's what you guys think needs to happen .. I'll sit this one out . the potential for nightmare .. is just too over the top".
SIL: "No .. I think Shack, for a lot of reasons . is out of consideration at all, .. for one thing there's the emotional piece to it all .... I mean that's where we've always gone for years and years and years/decades, . and it's right around the corner from her home . .just the emotion of it all, that her life has so changed .. from how we used to just hop in the car, and drive the 5 mins or so from her house .. to get there .. that's now changed .. and ... her house is right there on the way .. OMG ... she .. if she asked to go by her house .. we just need to stay as far away from that as any notion if we can .. and .. the bathrooms there .. geeze ... no .. there'd be absolutely no way to deal with it, if she needed a bathroom ... No, .. I don't think the Shack can even be in consideration .. it just can't".
Me: I agree .. that's what I've said all along .. I mean it sounds like she's pressed DH pretty hard that's what she wants to do ... and so he's willing . .but I just don't think he's looking at the reality of it all, . that it's just not good for so many reasons . not to go there".
SIL: "No .. I don't think he's thinking it through .. no ... that's not what we need to do".
In the end, we decided a better option (and there are so many . .this is FL . there are seafood restaurants . on almost every corner, it seems . some good, some really really good, and some not) ... and so we decided a better option mighth be to go to
to go to HM (harbor marina) .. it's newer .. it's scenic in that it's on the water, at a marina and lots of beautiful boats parked right there in one's line of sight . and boats traversing the waterways . and .. so it's scenic to eat there .. not as spacious as one might like .. but .. it's not as cramped either, . as to tables and chairs shoved in every possible square inch of the place, as is the case with Shack .. at least HM is more open and airy . .. and .. best of all, they have a G.R.E.A.T. bathroom .. .it's a big open .. room .. big .. and brace bars on the walls .. and not just a room with a few stalls, . it's one big room that is the bathroom, so if it's occupied at the moment that MIL needs a bathroom, that might be an issue . but .. at least it is user friendly for those who have ambulatory issues.
Didn't go there as to who will pick her up . and transport, or whether that should be handled by rented .. accessible uber or whatever . just didn't go there .. maybe they'll talk about that aspect of it (doubtful, these people don't talk to one another).
Glad to know that's been more settled, .. at least Shack is off the table ..
I don't know how it's planned that it'll be dealt with if MIL balks .. "no I wanted to go to Shack"... have no idea, didn't ask.
I was dreading it all, as I know that's her wish . and her son .. it seems ... didn't see the perils of that as any option and was . at least if it came up .. rather militant in his .. "that's what she wants, we'll make it work". Yea right. And so .. I purposely avoided the topic . and didn't push my thoughts any longer, . just knew that if that's what is opted for, .. I can feign an upset stomach and bow out, and that's what I'd do. The fallout .. the political fallout . would be swift .. no one would believe me that I'm suddenly ill, .. and so . there'd be a lot of unnecessary hoopla if I opted for that, .. and I wasn't looking forward to it.
I don't begrudge her an outing . and the other one we took her on recently, it went well, . sans the whole getting her in and out of the car, which sounds like was quite an ordeal (I was there, but standing off to the side, out of the way) for DH. Whether DH .. (nope . nobody plans ahead) .. would now see to it . "wow that was quite an ordeal to get her into the car, why don't we try to figure out how to get an accessible taxi into all this . and let her get transported that way" . not gonna happen .. nobody plans ahead . and talks to one another. So be it.
So thus far, looks like the MIL 90th bday ... will be an outing . and not to the Shack .. but to a more suitable location.
As well, today is the day the clocks go back one hour. My very favorite day of the year. One extra hour of guilt-free sleeping in. Yea!
So now - with those little bits of housekeeping out of the way....
Dorker, Im curious... Have you introduced the Dorker-ism of “Chitapalooza” to SIL or do you use the old, boring “diarrhea”?
anyway.
i am very much looking forward to hearing about SILs visit and all the issues she will drum up at the nursing home! I couldn’t help but shake head at her request that MILs visit from Dorker and the church ladies be postponed. My gosh. She is quite the micromanager and if this was me, I would have been inclined to tell her to get azz down here if she wants to micromanage her moms life. Otherwise, shut up and let her mom enjoy her visit. The world will keep spinning if she misses her hair appointment!
My Mother however is planning her road trip with zero consideration for Dad (driver - who needs cataract & wrist surgery) or my sister (who wil need to deal with her once there) + she has continence problems. They have email, text, mobile phones but is there proper communication? Nope.
Personalities eh!
It was chaotic there, loud .. and one cannot even hear themselves talk in the place. I wasn't all shot in the foot w/the place the one time prior I'd been there. Maybe I'm just getting old, . but to me, .. .restaurants need to be a place where one can hold a decent conversation with one another, without shouting to be heard. Not the HM . that's not how it is there, . one has to shout to be heard.
But that's where we went. SIL has been here enough .. to care for her mom and visit that she too has seen the inside of a few restaurants here. She's been to HM also ... on visits here, and I guess liked it, . the food is good, .. I'll give it that much, and the bathroom there, completely suitable for ADA. She's the one that offered that as an alternative to Shack . even though I (I live here, probably know a little more about suitable locations) ... had suggested at least 3 other places we could go to. But HM it was.
But that only after, . the day started with The Shack back on the agenda. Seems MIL had implored her daughter, that's where she wants to go, "The Shack" . and her daughter, now feeling bad .. her daughter's words: "How bad can it be, she only turns 90 once .. I just feel bad .. I want to .. she has so much out of her control in her life, maybe we should just tough it out . and try to do it".
This was the twist this morning. My looking dead at her, ".....and what's your plan (note I said, "YOUR" plan . .not mine, nor did I offer one) .. "what's your plan if she has to go to the bathroom".
SIL: "I don't guess there can be any "plan" .. I mean . there just isn't anything suitable . not there".
Me: Ya'll do what you want, but I think you have rocks for brains to even consider it .. it's not like this is a little one horse town and that's the only option, there are numerous places . and that's probably the worst of all possibilities .. as it's bathrooms are woefully inadequate .. but do what you want".
In the end, .. The Shack as an option went by the wayside, and HM it was, chaotic and loud as it is.
MIL I think had a good time, within the confines of her ability to be able to do so. She's old, frail, easily addled, and noise/chaos/confusion . would make it hard for her to "really enjoy" that setting. I think it could've been more pleasant in one of the other locations I mentioned as an alternative . as those other places aren't as loud and chaotic .. but so be it. It was what it was.
But get this .......
YD and her b'friend met us there .. running late. By the time they got there, the line was out the door and down the long walkway . of folks waiting to get in and place their order. YD and her b'friend came in, .. and had a beer .. but didn't eat . didn't wanna wait in that line .. and said .. "We're not gonna wait in that line, that's ridiculous .. we're gonna sit here and have a beer with you guys, but then we're gonna head on over to "THE SHACK" ... and eat".
You see it was me, in all this, (the realist, the nanny n'erdo'well .. with the negative approach .. e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. else in all this .. thought The Shack was fine, it's where she wants to go .. and when you look at them, "and what's your plan" .. a look of deer caught in the headlights.
So she and her b'friend left after a bit . and
headed onto "The Shack" to eat.
She texted me later, a picture of .. get this .. ready for it ....
The bathrooms that have now been upgraded ...
All the hoopla about not going there . the bathrooms aren't suitable ..
THEY HAVE NOW, after the restaurant has probably been functional for 100 years ... finally .. upgraded their bathrooms. WHO THE H377 KNEW?!??!?!?!?
Still . in the end . wouldn't be as suitable as is HM's bathrooms . in that, ... The Shack .. has little space with which to work, to upgrade their restrooms . and so . making them .. oh .. I dunno big enough for a turning radius for wheelchairs, wouldn't be all that possible . upgrading to where they have doorways wide enough to accommodate wheelchairs .. wouldn't really be possible.
BUT .................. they have enclosed now what were just stalls . they are now enclosed .. brace bars on the walls .. and .. a little more spacious as to the stalls (not spacious enough for any turning radius for a wheelchair) .. not high enough, the commodes, that they look, at least in the pics ... ADA compliant .. but they are now "upgraded" from what was before now .. woefully .. ridiculously . poor bathrooms.
Stunned.
And .. if anyone wonders . no MIL didn't even have to use the bathrooms that were all so important . as to HM or The Shack or any other destination. And the whole thing went off with no chitapalooza episode .. and her back to Purgatory and in tact.
And no, not lost on me at all ... I swear I could live to a milestone of 200 years old and there wouldn't be as much fuss and muss .. from those who are my loved ones . as to where to take me. I'd be lucky if someone threw a burger on the table as a takeout .. and said Happy Bday.
I don't get it.
But whatever.
At least she did get to go out .. and I presume it was enjoyable for her .. or seemingly so . as much as her feeble addled mind could stand anyway .. and the bday cake and candles . and all .. and no one was worse for the wear in it all.
In the end, .. I think YD felt bad that her granny didn't get to go "where she wanted to go" . and especially since she saw . .and took pics of and sent to me, the "upgraded" bathrooms. She announced that she and her b'friend both decreed they are gonna take her there .. her b'friend is going to be working out of town for a few weeks, but they will then take her . once he returns . .to the famous Shack . now that the bathrooms are more suitable.
I didn't say it to her, and won't .. good luck with that .. yea they've upgraded them, but you still can't get her into one of those stalls . yea there are grab bars there, hooray . finally . at least that much . but .. you still won't be able to get a wheelchair into that stall, so how you're gonna get this woman who can't ambulate from her wheelchair .. .the few steps she'd then have to make, to get into what is now the stall, complete with a door (of all things . a door . who'da thunk it .. not just a partition . a door!) .. yea .. she can actually hold onto the grab bars in there, and behind a closed door . hooray . but how you're gonna get her the few steps from that wheelchair . and now into that stall .. is beyond me . but you go girl'frand . you go ..!!!
I don't think anyone wanted to go to war over the whole thing . thus the whole event went off without exchange of shots fired across anyone's bow . but .. I do think . .there is still very much that stance .. "oh what's the worst that can happen, it's where she wants to go!".
Okay .. you go then!
We'll see if it comes to fruition and how it goes.
But for those in your family that will.. advice them to add Major Code Brown Emergency Kit to their car before driving MIL anywhere.
Minor : wet wipes, new pad
Moderate : wet wipes, gloves, plastic bag, new depends, change of clothes
Major : old spare towels & plactic bags
I learnt the hard way, sigh.
Major is reached when clean up & clothing change is just too hard in a public bathroom - plus a giant falls risk. Clean up required back at NH. Put plactic bag on car seat & cover with old towel. Transfer into car & return to NH. With best sorry! look return MIL with "she needs some help here". Gather clean clothes, hand to assistant. Run.
SIL drives what was MIL's car ... and it's a Toyota Camry .. and thought the seating too low and would be a struggle for her to lower herself to that seat level (likely that's so) .. I drive an SUV .. and so my seating is positioned a little higher. So .. we went to retrieve her ...
SIL had gone ahead of us to prepare her mom . get her dressed, etc.
I guess .... DH was told by her, when we got there,
SIL: "You're fired DH .. her clothes .. I can't find some of her things and it's all scattered hither and yon here . no order/organization to it all, .. I don't even know if some of her stuff is missing .. or maybe it's just put somewhere else, you're fired .. you do a good job of bringing her flowers, but a lousy job of organizing her things".
DH: "I didn't know I'd been *hired* to do that .. good .. don't want the job, fire me".
SIL also upset that she'd looked for her mom's *expensive department store brand make up/foundation* and it's nowhere to be found.
The room .. it ain't all that big . and there are only so many drawers things can be put in .. and it's gone .. her foundation/makeup .. is not accounted for. Expensive . not just your Walgreens brand of whatever, . no . name brand stuff .. from a dept store. Gone.
Can't be found. SIL puzzled, .. "why in the world would someone take her makeup it has to be here somewhere".
Her noting audibly she'd have to make a trip to get her some more.
Me watching this . and I thought to myself . but didn't say it ... "why in the world would you even think it'd be here . you were told . .countless times, don't bring anything of value . you know stuff is gonna grow legs and walk away here .. why I don't know, but it does .. look no further than her also . months back .. expensive special order soap .. walked away (why?) .. but that's been the order of the day "don't bring anything of value here". I watched all this . stayed silent . but thought, "if it were me, it'd be Walgreens whatever I can find, as to foundation/makeup .. she doesn't wear makeup .. not anymore, routinely .. and so .. someone walks off with it, you've spent what ..??... $3 or $4 and it's easily replaced. But . whatever.
As to the spinning tops on the disorder of the clothing . that too .. I watched . but didn't weigh in on ... as SIL now spinning her tops on that topic .. and I thought .. "yea okay .. here ya go . knock yourself out now . that'll be the next top to set in motion to get it all right .. only for you to depart here . and return to your home . and your brother already told you that's not a job he wants . and you know dam well I don't go there routinely . .and so not likely I'm gonna pick up that torch and carry it .. and so . who do you think is gonna find any need to stay on top of that task in your absence".
It's all pretty maddening.
SIL noticing a nice clock on the wall above MIL's tv .. (why none of the rest of us even noted it .. who knows) .. "Nice clock they have there for you, but the time is wrong" ... and so she offered to take it down to reset the time when MIL told her, "it hasn't worked since I got here . it doesn't work". SIL: It probably needs a battery .. I'll have to get some batteries for it, and get that working".
So already .. she's spinning tops as to going to replace makeup .. order and organization to clothing .. a battery for the wall clock. This is ... all ... within the two hours or so she'd spent there, to get her mom ready for the outing.
As to the outing itself . what a fiasco.
The mom ... she just can't transfer/ambulate. What you see in that setting as to getting her from the wheelchair and into the car, . is that DH manhandles her.
He helps her to get upright . and is holding her much like you'd hold a baby that is long enough to be upright ... and he is supporting her weight ... dead weight .. all 140 .. whatever lbs .. not good .. and