I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
And then he .. he has her almost in a tight hug .. for lack of a better way to describe it . and then he himself turns . and pivots and puts her up against the car seat to get her butt up against it .. and then scoots her .. onto the seat . dead lifting her weight (her the whole time with *oh no . no no . no don't drop me*) .. him the whole time "Mom I've got you, I'm not going to drop you" .. all of this audible declaration from each numerous times, and then gets her butt into the seat . then bends down and takes her legs himself . and ups them and into the floor board of the car .. and then he buckles her seat belt . .and we're good to go.
I saw this same thing when we went out a few weeks ago. This is how it's being handled.
And then when you get to the destination . much the same thing only add into the mix now . I guess because she's so afraid she'll be dropped . she has a death grip on the car door frame and him imploring "let go of the car mom .. I can't get you turned if you're holding onto the door frame, let go" and her with the "oh no ... no . no .. oh no .. oh .. oh" and him with the "Mom I'm not going to drop you, I've got you".
This is how it goes.
With that in mind, I suggested along the way more than once (and as with all things .. MIL and me and my input .. it gets ignored). DH himself noted at one point when we were there . .there was an Uber of sorts there, .. a car .. an SUV .. but equipped with a wheelchair ramp and someone was being loaded onto it . a resident there.
DH noted .. "look that's what we might should consider for taking mom out".
So I noted that also and suggested it . more than once, . to DH . to SIL . .and no one .. I guess . wanted to take the bull by the horns . it doesn't happen . doesn't come to fruition so what you see is the above that's described.
It's a fiasco the whole xfer process .. a true fiasco . and one that looks to me, to be uncomfortable for MIL .. mean she literally has to be .. sorta manhandled .. as she's not a baby . she's a full length adult . .but what you see transpire is about what you'd see if I was trying to lift a 2 year old .. and get them into the car, .. but she's not a 2 yo.
If it were me, .. I'd be contacting that Uber type deal . .and finding out can one of us ride with her ... at least she wouldn't then be transported by someone she doesn't know . and she'd have the company of someone she does know, at least along for the ride, . and so much easier .. just the lift .. .it handles it all, she stays in the wheelchair.
But ... not up to me.
It's all just ridiculous ..
So yea, if YD wants to take her for an outing . .if any of the daughters want to do it, jump all over it.
Remember when DD was gonna take her for an outing herself . and/or bring her here . for dinner ...
Yea that hasn't happened.
YD now stating . now that she shot me a pic of the upgraded bathrooms in Shack . now she's gonna take that on, she and her b'friend. Have at it.
It's puzzling to me, ... it's almost as if I'm seen ... (and that's not the case) as the negative nanny in it all, that wants to rain on everyone's parade. I don't .. I just am the realist of the bunch . the lone soul realist .. that puts down the gamut of what is and isn't reality . and in that endeavor am seen as the negative nanny the naysayer . and wants to be the killjoy.
As an example of .. the fact I am not the naysayer and such that I seem to get labeled. Yesterday was out actual 40th wedding anniversary. MIL's bday is not actually until Tuesday.
BUT ... it's too hard to get everyone on the same page on a week day . .and so it was questioned . maybe we should just shoot for Sunday to take her out for her bday . but that's ya'lls anniversary . that's not what you guys need to be doing on your anniversary. That's what DH even said, .. "but that's out anniversary . we don't need to be doing that on our anniversary".
My answer to that:
"We aren't doing anything specific on the day itself for our anniversary . we already talked about that, . later in the week . just the two of us are going on the night that "x" restaurant has AYCE crab legs .. and that's what we decided to do to mark our anniversary . and they only do that on Thursday nights .. so we'd said that's what we're going to do . .we weren't going to do anything anyway . so Sunday works fine".
So .. why I get painted with the brush of the negative nancy in it all, is beyond me. I don't have a problem in the world with outings for her, of any sort ...
As I told DH in all of this, thru the weeks when it seemed the stance was ... "the Shack" as to a destination .. "if that's what you wanna do, do it ... I won't be there, to be the one looked at with a deer in the headlights look of what the h377 to do when she requests to go to the bathroom . or Chitapalooza shows up" ..
I don't see where the problem is . if that's something you are inclined to want for her, do it ... and you deal with it ..
Same as with the daughters .. go for it. These are all adult people (unrealistic views from these adult people) . but go for it. I don't begrudge her any outing at all .. and if you feel inclined, make it happen.
Somewhere in it all, I must make an easy scapegoat for the fact their mom (granny to some of these nimrods) .. got old. Because to me, it's really pretty simple .. so you wanna go get your granny and take her to lunch out .. jump all over it, what do you need me for. Oh you need me to help .... oh .. okay well where it is it you wanted to go .. "the Shack ..???...have you thought about the dam bathrooms there?", and I get labeled the negative nanny.
And yes .. problematic that YD insists she will now take her to the shack ... she and her b'friend .. now that the bathrooms have been re-done .. (they are still not suitable . and how she'll get her from that wheelchair . that will not fit into that door way and onto the toilet . the few steps that'll take . is beyond me) .. so now she insists she and her b'friend are going to see to it she gets there.
I didn't even bring it up and I'm not going to .....
YD has a little subcompact . that's what she drives .. h377 I struggle to get in and out of her car, .. it's so low to the ground . MIL won't stand a prayer .. and YD is a petite little thing . no way in the world she can deadlift her granny .. to get that done .. and her b'friend . he drives a huge .. 4 wheel drive . no way she'd be able to climb up into that thing.
Suggest they consider that Uber thing with the lift .. nah ... my suggestions go unheard .. go for it. Good luck .. let me know how it goes .. sounds like a splendid idea YD.
Wasn't YD the one trying to pick a fight with you a year or so back because granny was so damn unhappy and you stayed out of helping granny because you just burnt out? Wasn't she the one saying y'all should just care for her? It sounds like she is a little pi$$y about grandma not getting what she wants - and should have some experiences on her own with elder care.
My sister and I drove to my home town to see dad in the nursing home. She, against my advice, decided to drive dad to see his old home. My stepmom was against the idea and didn't participate. I was against the idea and didn't participate. We get there (he can't get out of the car) and he looks at the place and then refuses to go back to the nursing home. When they drive to the nursing home - he refuses to get out of the car and is hollering. Sister called me and called my stepmom - what do I do? We both said - don't know, we advised you this would happen, good luck, bye. The staff finally worked with him to calm him down and get him back but it took a long while. My sister was angry that step mom and I didn't help her. We both said - you don't take our advice, you don't get our help. You knew better than we did - so deal. Yeah - it is frustrating when people don't listen to your experience, think you are negative, then try to dump back on you. Good luck.
All of this fuss and fuss and fuss over one spoiled old lady. Jeepers. If it were YOU wanting to go to the Shack - I can't imagine DH or DD or YD trying half so hard.
But yeah, as Guestshop eluded to - it does strike me as particularly snarky that YD would take a pic of the new and improved bathroom at The Shack and send it to you when she must have known you'd still be mid event - at the loud, chaotic AND NOT the Golden First Choice Shack - not by the folks who really care about Granny’s happiness - HB.
ESPECIALLY, since YD had “grabbed a whole lota gone” in participating in her granny’s 90th bday celebration. Its as if YD was saying “I’ll not be staying at this farce of a celebration - I’ll be where granny really wants to be and thinking of her. I’ll toast her with a pint and have a McMartyr meal in her honor”.
Seriously? YD will fling the better bathroom at The Shack in your face but can’t sacrifice a couple of hours to celebrate granny? Snarky. Yep - definitely snarky.
I think one needs to look at it through the magical glasses SIL and Dh have had thrust upon their face since childhood. The glasses they were conditioned to donn as they sat in the backseat, circling the campground...
These glasses change the perception of what fuss looks like and in fact, what fuss is. It’s not fuss - it’s the norm.
This is one I know - all too well. I wasn’t able to retire my own Fuss Altering glasses until well after I hauled my fat azz half way up a mountain - yes, literally a bonafide mountain - to sprinkle my mothers ashes... when all the while thinking “I’m too freakin’ out of shape for this chit - let Do Nothing and Do Next To Nothing brothers kill themselves”.
Yet - indeed, up I went.
Im afraid it will be the same for SIL and Dh. The same for Yd and DD as well - the only example they have ever had set for them - when it comes to granny - is the one SIL, Dh and yes... even Dorker - set for the vast majority of their lives. Granny’s wants and happiness trump all
else
Nothing much has happened, SIL returns and immediately goes into full tilt blame mode--well good for her, let her take over.
At least DH is doing SOMETHING for MIL. Can she not see that and be grateful for the crumbs? Guess not.
Life smacked me upside the head and I had a VERY awful experience flying cross country to VA---I am only 2-1/2 weeks past my last chemo (VERY last, but it still just took me to my knees)…..and I was sick to my stomach, as I always am, but something about the morning of the flight---things were NOT happy 'down there'...and I was just LUCKY that I was able to get a lavatory on the plane, where I spent 25 MINUTES dealing with my own tummy/bowel issues. The flight attendants were like "Ma'am? Do we need to get a dr? Are you OK?" IT was beyond awful---I think I turned myself inside out.
In the end, I made it through the flight, but the whole time I am sick, sick sick in that tiny lav on the plane, I was thinking "What if I couldn't take care of myself? What if this were an elder with this same exploding gut issue?" Made it too real.
I'm not a big person, by any means, but there was room for me and only me and there was no room for another person, so I do not know how you'd handle a person in a wheelchair??? I had to walk sideways down the aisle, planes are so tight these days---so I wasn't bumping into people.
Wow. Really opened my eyes.
DH sat 4 rows ahead of me and 'forgot' I was with him, so he popped on his headphones and checked out for 4 hours. Worst 4 hours of my life, seriously.
All this fuss and drama over MIL's b-day--I still stand in awe of her ability to get, what, 12 people to dance to her every need, want and desire. I can't get my hubby to remember I got on a plane with him & wait for me at baggage claim!---much less remember and 'mark' my birthday or our anniversary.
Just--this experience made me so much more aware of the trials of being old & sick. I was so sick the whole trip--tried to enjoy playing with the g-kids, but really, just the 18 mo was fun, the other 2 had so many activities and stuff---we won't be visiting them again until they move to their "final destination"--8 months.
I don't GET how one person gets so much fuss. I just don't. Not one soul on this earth would go to the lengths MIL's family goes through for me. And maybe that's good.
I won't have had the 'training' to be so spoiled!
You're keeping good boundaries, Dorker. It's hard, you're being tugged in so many directions, still.
I hope SIL gets the itch to clean out of her system and you can start ahead with the RM people. Trust me, they don't want to clean her place.
What an awful flight. Hope you are feeling better. I know it’s going to take time.
I don’t know how one achieves Pampered Princess Status. I most certainly dont have that status.
Dorker,
Wow the 90th Bday came and went. SIL arrived and started the whirling and fired DH! LoL. His response was more gracious than mine would have been.
It will be interesting if the planned outing by the daughters happen.
I wish I could insert that little spinning symbol you see when a computer is loading and you are waiting, waiting.
MIL when she was living at home .. one might see ... oh on occasion .. a Palmetto bug.
For those of you with no familiarity to FL ..
FL is full of bugs .. tropical environment here, they thrive here. They will be alive long after extinction of human form as we know it. Not a doubt in my mind. Palmetto bugs .. don't google it . ya don't wanna know. Think enormous roach, that's what it looks like.
When MIL was living in her home . one might would find . oh on occasion . not frequently . .a belly up . dead Palmetto bug laying in the floor. Maybe even on occasion a roach.
I still remember it ..
One day when I was there, .. and SIL in town . and the talk had been how one of those big bugs .. don't know which species . .had come to pay a visit . eyeballing, from the counter top .. the PBJ's being consumed by MIL and SIL.
MIL . an avowed animal lover, just couldn't bear to kill it.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU DEAL with those creatures . they are not endearing .. and they multiply by the thousands.
At the time (no longer the case) OD was a bug exterminator for her profession. I summoned OD onto the scene for an estimate/contract, . let's get this bug population addressed.
MIL declined .. "didn't want those chemicals in and about her midst". Uh . .wtf?
But anyway ... that was her answer .. "No I have a pet . I don't want anyone spraying chemicals around here".
OD assuring she has multiple clients who have pets and chemicals aren't an issue for pets .. but no go.
Fast forward all this time later. SIL has arrived on the scene . and the bug population in that house .. sans a morsel of nothing to eat at all, . belly up . all over the dam place ... it has been a clean up .. of hazmat proportion.
SIL .. as a for instance, ran by the grocery yesterday for a few things . .and forgot bottled water .. and so .. tsk tsk . may have to drink from the tap (I don't like drinking tap water myself, . yuk) .. but went to get a glass out of the cabinet and found .. the cabinet with bug droppings .. and glasses the same. So now . .task of cleaning up dishes before one can even use the .. and cabinets and counter tops .. with bug droppings everywhere.
Did we see all that before she arrived. Nope.. but we weren't there to cook/eat/drink .. we'd go by there for whatever reason(s) (myself almost none of going by there) . maybe see a bug belly up . get a paper towel, scoop it's nasty self up and dispose of it .. but no .. didn't see the mess she has now walked into.
That's what happens when one refuses to allow chemicals into their home . when one cannot bear to smack a bug and kill it. This is FL .. they will take over, and .. sounds like . in some sense .. they maybe tried to there. But not a morsel of a thing to eat in that house ... and so . many many of them . there in and about . belly up and their droppings a plenty .. to be cleaned up. What a mess!
Mid, sounds like a nightmare of a flight for you and I'm so sorry that your DH was checked out completely. Must've been a nice flight for him . but yea . in those airplane bathrooms there wouldn't of been much he could do to help anyway.
How does one become a member of that supposed "mile high club" in those bathrooms anyway?
I'm sure you're glad to have that trip in your rear view mirror and hopefully can focus now on .. getting some strength back. Will take some time, I'm sure.
No, I don't get it as to all the fuss and muss . never have. And this whole notion of "well that's where she wants to go".
THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE . my dad for all his faults and he has plenty . .he doesn't insist on being carted to any "x" place, . in fact, would decline doing so, fully aware of his frailties.
Very telling being in that proximity . and the lady across the hall from MIL.
.
You have across the hall from MIL . a former "artist woman" .. don't know what
what kinda artist.
And you have MIL and you have MIL's roomie. The roomie, . from what I know of her, is altogether there mentally and certainly is ambulatory.
The woman across the hall, former artist . she yells out . all the time .. "help me, someone help me, help me" . this goes on a lot.
The staff .. they don't come with any expediency . it seems . not for anyone and most especially . for the woman across the hall. Maybe a concept of . the boy who cried wolf too many times.
This then prompts all kinds of worry in MIL . that she hollers out all the time for help and no one comes. When they do come, 9 times out of 10 the woman doesn't remember what she needed help with.
So "H" who seems to have her ducks in order mentally .. and the observation from being on the scene last night.
I was helping MIL to change into her night pj's . and she was in the bathroom washing her face, . and one could hear former artist hollering . "help me" . and so "H" got up out of her bed to peek across the hall . and came back ..
H: Oh she does that all the time, they don't come help her, she doesn't ever remember what she needs help with . it really creates quite a disturbance for all the rest of us, her doing that".
Me: "Yes, . she probably needs to be moved to MC .. ".
H: She does yes, but they say they don't have room in MC for her, not right now . but yes she does need to be moved there".
MIL now chiming in with shock and dismay: "What?!?!?! Did they move her? Oh no . I live in dread that will happen, that poor old soul .. she has a lot of problems .. I hate to see that they'll move her there".
Me: "It sounds like that's where she needs to be .. she creates a lot of disturbance for the others here".
H: "yes she does . she does that all the time, hollering out like something is wrong and it goes on and on . nobody comes . because when they do . she doesn't want anything .. ".
MIL I guess the savior of the world's problems one person's issues at the time .. always has been ... has take this poor sad sack woman . and her case to heart. Said she goes and tries to help her when she hears her hollering out .. and feels so bad that no one comes.
Was interesting to me .. that MIL doesn't seem to be able to process and see it for what it all is, as does H. MIL lives with heartbreak over it . and that the woman should have to get moved, and lives with dread that day will come and H doesn't see it that way at all, seeing it all for clearly the case it is, the woman needs a different setting.
That and having to caution MIL who (the savior she is) . has taken it upon herself to stop daily and chit chat with CC ... and make small talk.
DH: Mother you need to be careful, the less contact you have with CC the better, she'll snap off on you again . and you never know when . just don't bother with her".
MIL: You're probably right
But she won't remember to do so . as was the case today . when I went with the church ladies .. to deliver a home made quilt for her. CC sitting at her coloring station right in among the slumpers .. and .. MIL making a point to go hold her hand and say hello . and not doing as advised .. and leaving well enough alone.
Just a matter of time before she happens upon CC in a mood and CC snaps off on her again . and then we'll be right back to the trauma MIL experienced in having been yelled at by CC.
Was H lolling in MIL's bed again while YOU were taking care of her???
And just as back story .. sounds like "H" was brought to Purgatory under trickery by family (but I'm not judging . as we all know, sometimes it's by hook or crook, the only way to accomplish these things). Sounds like "H's" daughter ... where she has been residing .. has taken a new job that will take her in and out of town frequently and so being able to be there to look after her mom . no longer possible.
Somewhere along the way it had been said H is gonna be a temp resident. Doesn't sound like that's gonna be the case. I wonder .. (don't know enough yet about it all) why she even really needs to be in that setting, truthfully. She is ambulatory .. walks .. (slow but does walk) . .and her mind/brain seems to be in tact, what little bit I've encountered and talked with her.
One doesn't know the true back story to any of these things and so why she's there, is nunya .. "none of my biz". There may be more to the story than meets the eye/ear. Usually is.
And no DH wasn't holding the bed down as he did last time, he was in fact, .. watching tv with L (oldest g'daughter) who accompanied us for this bday outing for MIL. DD & Company didn't go on this little adventure, but we did pick up oldest g'daughter "L" and take her along with us. So DH had the tv tuned into something and the two of them were watching it, sitting bedside of what was MIL's empty bed . while MIL was in the bathroom . in her wheelchair, . scooted up to the sink to wash her face, brush her teeth . .and I'd already helped her once she toileted, to get off her slacks she'd worn and her shoes . and into her pj bottoms . .and would .. as soon as she finishes with her teeth brushing and face washing . then help her out of the top she wore .. and into her PJ top, while DH yes, sat and watched tv with "L".
P.S. I did pitch him what was taken off of her, to either fold it, put it in hamper, put it away . etc. So he wasn't completely without responsibility at all.
I don't mind helping her btw . considering I truly do not go there as much as I once thought I'd be doing . and .. btw .. I'm okay with not going there as much as I once thought I'd be doing.
And MIL . with her contingent . myself and 3 church ladies along . had to make it a point to stop and try to rouse this slumped over H .. who was completely gone, . asleep.
MIL saying out loud . ."She hollers out all night long . and doesn't sleep". Trying to wake her . quite the task . in fact, I wondered briefly if she was dead, this former artist. She was slumped over and so far gone asleep that her glasses were slipping off her face, and MIL trying to rub her head, and calling out to her, "M you need to wake up . .. it's day time . you need to wake up sweetheart . .it's time to wake up .. it's day time .. wake up M .. wake up" stroking her hair and trying to get her to wake up and saying to her that her glasses are falling off (didn't faze the woman at all, thus my beginning to question if the woman had passed to her demise) ... and MIL trying her level best, and now it's holding up the contingent there to visit with MIL .. her trying to rouse this former artist woman.
She never did wake up .. the woman did budge momentarily when MIL struggled to put back on her glasses that were slipping off her face, in her slumped over state .. that did cause her to budge at least momentarily. So I know she was alive.
But the whole thing . just disturbing on the level that MIL doesn't' seem to be able to have any recognition for .. "can't save the world" ... and .. I guess .. knowing MIL the way I've known her, . .the world's savior . she is going to take this sad sack case under her wing to try to save her ... and it's really not possible . it isn't.
So it's going to be yet another sad .. tragic event .. as to MIL .. when .. the day will come they have to move this woman to MC .. and MIL will be devastated by it.
H .. (new roomie to MIL) seems to have a better capability to process that whole scene and that the woman .. (former artist) .. has some issues and doesn't need to be among the normal population there. MIL not so much . she seems to want to "help" her, "save" her.
It's sad.
I'm surprised that DD didn't insist on bringing the twins along on MIL's Grand Birthday Outing! Of course best of all would have been if her H could have stayed home and watched them....but then, he has FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) and FOWK (Fear of Watching Kids) issues. I'm glad that you at least got to enjoy your meal this time and not have to gulp it down to take the twins outside.
I have no idea if there had been a war of worlds in her home on her maybe asking of her husband to sit with the kiddos to allow that she go along. I think that would've been optimal also, but stayed out of it, and didn't suggest same.
As chaotic and loud and noisy as HM was as the destination . it was unnerving enough just trying to have a normal discourse of conversation . .and having to shout to be heard, it turns out it was for the best the twins weren't along at all.
DD knows that I will always .. always .. step up to the plate and try to help out in those settings .. maybe because I remember how it used to be with my own (though I never had twins to contend with). So . not sure why that was the path she took as to this outing . opting out as she put it, .. "I just don't wanna deal with the little ones in that setting, it's too stressful".
I let it go at that, didn't suggest she do otherwise.
She intends to (bless her soul, it won't be pleasant chasing 2 yo's around) go tomorrow on MIL's actual bday with cupcakes enough to share with whoever might want some . .and have a little mini celebration .. she and the kids and MIL. Just as good, IMO, maybe even better than the chaos that was our celebration.
Yes, it would've been a nice gesture, since that was her reason for bowing out, . the kiddos .. if her husband had said to her, .. "why don't you go on and enjoy your g'ma's bday with your family and I'll stay here and man the fort with the kids".
I don't know whether that was offered (I doubt it) by him and she declined . .or not. Nunya .. (none of my biz).
How is the old vegetarian doing? Dare I hope SIL and B have reintroduced meat into his (natural) diet? Has SIL taken him to see MIL -
or is that still “too painful”?
I am totally in awe of your self control.
Happy Anniversary & enjoy those AYCE crab legs!
The dog has been back here to FL for what now? like, 48 hours . .and already has some eruption of some mouth sores beginning. Allergies (?) .. who knows. She has some meds for oral tx . and hopes to not have to cart him to the vet .. but we'll see.
Poochie was carted today to Purgatory, MIL's request, for a visit and accdg to SIL was a big hit there.
Tomorrow should prove interesting as to the folks (more to the point, he daughter) who can't tell her no. MIL pressing her daughter, "what are we doing tomorrow for my actual bday . where are we going?".
SIL: "We already did your bday . we went to HM .. yesterday . that's what yesterday was about, remember the bday cake and candles?".
MIL: But tomorrow is my bday .. I don't want to be here on my bday I want to go somewhere . .where are we going .. I want to go out to dinner".
SIL: I was just going to stop and get one of your favorites and bring it here ..
MIL: I don't want to be here, I want to go *out*.
SIL imparting the above dialogue that went on there at Purgatory between she and her mom.
SIL telling me, .. I don't know .. I mean I don't know that I can manage it all, .. I see what DH had to do to get her xfer'd .. I can't do that, my back ...
Me to SIL: "I can't help you .. I have too much ongoing tomorrow, that's the whole reason we did it yesterday . not on her actual bday . too hard to get everybody on the same page on a workday ..
SIL: I know . she's just .. I dunno . child like . she doesn't think about all it takes to get her out and about .. I don't know what I'll do ... likely try to talk her out of it .. I dunno.
Tomorrow will be interesting to see how SIL handles it. Will she tell her mom no? We'll see.
I know DH isn't available either for another whirlwind bday celebration.
SIL's right, . she's child like . .much like a child wouldn't understand that we already did her bday.
As I’ve always claimed - contrary to most opinions here on AC - just because they have dementia, it doesn’t mean they can’t still manipulate. For life long manipulators it’s like muscle memory.
Old me: advise all pitfalls, stress, help plan, problem solve, get roped it & stress stress stress.
New me: Umm, OK (non-committal noise). Give short advice, maybe 2 items they should consider in their plans (eg: are there disabled toilets? How will you get up the 6 big steps intothe house?) Then I back away & try to forget it. If it does eventuate, I note my calender with reminder to turn phone OFF for that time frame + 2 hours afterwards.
If your MIL cannot plan adaquately, the YES People surrounding her must. If they don't, it will be their problem.
Just 2 simple "have you considered...a...or...b". Then back away. Phone off.
take off those Fuss Altering Glasses (LOL!). Common sense hard hat required!
Speech for SIL;
Yes Mum I'd love to take you out for lunch or dinner.
Just 2 things I need you to do to make that possible;
1. Wear depends
2. Ride in the wheelchair Taxi/Uber.
No depends = no outing.
No special transport = no outing (as I can't lift you or wheelchair into my car).
Then it's up to MIL. Face reality, adapt & have lunch out or sulk, pout, tantrum.
(Btw this is my real speech to my Mum - she is mortified at having to ride in her wheelchair (the face of sucked lemons is priceless) & she magically still believes I will change my mind to suit her latest whim).
My guess is her DH is gonna have to get on past his FOWK ..... as ..... if she can get a job somewhere to help out with the income in their HH .... it's likely gonna be a night job somewhere .. as daycare expenses would eat up anything she could make. And no, ... I am not interested in becoming daily (free) childcare, to offset that need. I will help out, but I don't want my days tied to that responsibility. Not every day. I've stood fast in that stance ever since the 1st g'child entered planet earth.
Love them dearly, but there's a reason being a "grand" parent is what it is .. the days of that responsibility are past one .. and so .. .they get to "enjoy" on their terms . the little ones. Nope, already have that crossed off my list as any eventuality.
But in any event, she has a job interview later this morning and I am to watch the kids for her. I know the twinsies nap about the time she'll be returning home from job interview, so she can get their nap in, in time to go get the 6 yo from school for the day. So I presume . the visit with cupcakes in hand, will take place at some point after that.
I have no idea when/what time frame MIL was referring to in requesting "but I don't want to be here on my birthday, I want to go *out*". Have no idea, was that a lunch outing, an early dinner outing .. I don't know. And as is par for the course here in our world, .. did SIL impart any of this news to her brother, to try to maybe work any plan. Of course not.
I don't think SIL is all that vested anyway in trying to make it happen ... she ... she's the one that said when imparting all this, . her words: "She's kinda child-like .. she doesn't really take into account what all it takes to make that happen".
Here here! I agree.
If SIL wants to somehow put it together, .. fine by me, I don't have any problem with it. And it is in fact, doable ... if she'd all that Uber type service that I've mentioned more than once. SIL doesn't stand a prayer of being able to help her mom .. like a sack of potatoes . to load her into the car. The car SIL is using while here is the Toyota Camry that MIL used to drive. The seating for that, is lower . and so lowering her into that seat to cart her anywhere, would be problematic . it'd take some muscle .. to hoist her .. and pivot her and .. as DH did .. hold onto, dead lift .. and load her into the car. SIL has a bad back .. and a prolapsed bladder that she's been advised .. .don't lift heavy things .. and so she doesn't stand a chance of doing that, not a prayer.
Could DD do it? Possibly, she doesn't have a bad back or any other ailment .. but DD already bowed out of any outing the other day .. on the premise taking twinsies is more than she wants to deal with.
Dorker over here, .. already had her day's plans upended . by the need for sitting services, for a job interview that cropped up out of nowhere. I have my own agenda of things I have to accomplish this afternoon . and watching twinsies all afternoon, so that SIL and DD can string together a plan to get her out for her bday (yet again) .. isn't on my radar.
I will watch the kiddos for her to go on the job interview, . that'll take . oh what an hour or so maybe . maybe a bit more, and then I can resume for my day . what I had already planned. It's my turn to cook church dinner tomorrow night, and so some of that has to be done in advance, and that's what I'd planned for my day today . to begin that prep . and get some of it carted to the church.
The really ironic thing about it all, is it is completely doable ...
Call that Uber service, .. get it lined up for that to come and get her, complete with a lift for wheelchair, and have her carted to where she wants to go for lunch, early dinner, whatever her heart desires . and go meet them there, .. and have lunch/dinner out again. Completely doable. Not a problem.
Will she? Will SIL feel motivation enough to see that through as an option to getting her mom out, as her mom said, "on my birthday .. I don't wanna be here, I wanna go out somewhere on my birthday".
I have no idea.
Then SIL will have . on her own essentially, I can't be there .. (won't be there) .. nor will YD .. she's working .. and more than likely DD won't be a part of it either, . and so it'll be all on SIL .. as to any possible Chitapalooza .. to deal with . should that become an issue. Up to her. Will she talk her mom out of it, as she left the conversation with me, .. "No I think I'm just gonna try to talk her out of it, .. I told her that we already went out for her bday .. and that I'd intended to just go pick up one of her favorites somewhere, either some soup .. or some chicken salad that she likes from that one place, . and just bring it to her, but she said . no .. she wants to "go" there ... I think I'm just gonna try to talk her out of it, .. I just don't think she can sit in that Camry .. she can't get down that low ... and I dam sure can't lift her like DH did".
That's when I responded to her "Well there's always that Uber service, . just download the app to your smartphone and arrange for that service to pick her up and you can meet her there, or . I dunno .. maybe they let you ride along .. I guess you can ask .. I can't help ya .. I have to fix church dinner, and get some of that knocked out . so I won't be available .. and I don't think DH is either, that's the whole reason we did it on Sunday . .trying to get those that can be a part of it, and their availability on a weekend, rather than week day".
SIL .. left the conversation that she's gonna just try to talk her out of it.
I don't see it that it has to be a problem. Just order up the Uber thing .. complete with lift ...
MIL balks .. "I don't wanna ride in a taxi". Well mother, I can't lift you . so either we do it that way or I just bring you something there, that's the plan.
Not really all that difficult a dilemma IMO.
Note to self - turn phone off this afternoon and into evening .. can't be my problem.
I doubt her H will overcome his FOWK, and their marriage will be rocky if childcare in the evenings is left to him.
Is the handicap Uber more money than regular Uber? Just wondering. At my mother's NH, the charge for transportation with the wheelchair lift is $75/trip (that's round trip). Someone can accompany them for free. I bet Uber is the same way. Why? Because that extra person takes some of the work off the Uber driver, unless it's standard practice that the Uber driver just leaves the person in the wheelchair at the curb and doesn't care if there is no one there to meet them.
I like SIL's idea to bring the Princess (actually, isn't she the Queen? Maybe we should go back to calling her Queen Narcissa?) something she likes from somewhere (chicken salad) is sufficient. I wonder if Purgatory is going to have some cake/ice cream/singing tonight? Sometimes they celebrate all the birthdays in a month together, though.