I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The issue with the moisturizing was mentioned and as always . .they always give good lip service, to wanting to accommodate. They are indeed very good at not bucking up and providing excuses and/or duck and dodge whatever is asked of them, always. The problem comes, as always . .in the follow through. Yes, good lip service, . and if you didn't know better you'd think someone will lovingly attend to that task daily . and have her greased up with her lotion daily. But I know better, have seen it. They "mean well" I do believe, . but the follow thru . it's just not there.
The dialogue on that topic, as well as the need also that MIL is to be receiving daily eye drops for dry eyes .. as mandated by eye doc visits .. thru the years . .and most recently a few months ago (why that never got put on a radar to be seen to, see above, who knows).
But SIL has been bringing in eye drops from home, . and doing the eye drops herself .. and so that got mention also, and then looking at medical records, where SIL insisted she'd been told by staff there at Purgatory . .as a result of said visit a few months back, as to eye doc . that she had no vision changes, but needs daily eye drops to moisten her dry eyes .. and SIL insisting that's what the staff at Purgatory reported to her, as to the finding upon said eye visit a few months back. Yet, they look in the records, and can find no mention of that .. need for daily eye drops (so where did SIL get that info ...???......who knows .. although I can tell you that thru the years . that has been the recommendation) .. so anyway . that too noted . .and the DON noting they'd check with the doc . and get that as part of her daily treatments ..
As to the lotion .... that too . they listen . they are participatory . and every indication is it's not any problem .. but the follow thru . questionable at best.
So talking over that issue .. and again, that too . DON said he'd get an order from the MD there .. I asked if we need to contact her doc that dx'd the Sjogren's . and her dermo doc . and get records forwarded, so as to make it part of her record, the need for daily moisturizing . and was told by the DON he doesn't expect it will be any issue, will consult w/in house MD . and get it part of her orders there.
Follow-thru or holes in said follow-thru .. count on it .. it will take a LOT of oversight .. and baby sitting to get that seen to .. and SIL will be on it like white on rice, bet on it. Daily.
Discussed briefly .. as to why can't MIL do it herself .. and a blank deer caught in the headlight look from MIL (I'm not at all sure she can keep up with the normal pace of conversation ongoing . she may not have even been with it enough to absorb . .hey we're talking about you . .and YOU can rub on your own lotion . why don't ya"). We did bring that up briefly . . and the arrow swung in her direction . in the form of . that's something she can do . perhaps while in bed, legs up on bed, . certainly not in the wheelchair, she'd topple out . trying to reach her legs . but legs outstretched on the bed .. maybe reminder from staff . and some oversight to see that it does transpire ..
And you look at MIL . and deer caught in the headlights .. just a blank stare . and her response of .. "I guess I just don't think about it".
SIL stressing (but we're talking about someone . and that someone in the mist of there conversation .. that someone who maybe isn't able to keep up with the flow of conversation) .. SIL stressing that while breaks in the skin .. they do a little bit .. cause concern as to invitation for infection . and so need to be prevented if possible (moisturizer) .. but the fact she's on a blood thinner, . and these breaks in the skin then cause bleeding and soil her pj's and clothing . and the sheets .. it's really more nuisance abatement . and so .. needs to be handled.
As I said, .. the staff
a whole bunch of "yes" ongoing . and agreement and so forth. I don't have a doubt in my mind that will be the next battle to wage . when it in fact, is not occurring . and SIL will be on it, daily . like white on rice.
I asked that the DON report in to us, as to the MD and orders for same . so as to have some follow through (since they are so poor at that) . .as to whether it even got in front of the MD to address it. I don't expect that either will be attended to without some chasing it down.
Talked about how she so misses PT. She is in, presently, restorative PT . which means . she doesn't go to the PT room daily . and use equipment there . she has a PT staff come to her, . they walk, on the walker, they do range of motion in the room, they do arm strengthening there in the room. That's about it, and she so misses going to PT. I will say that about her, . while these PT staff have to chase down and argue with some to get participation . quite the opposite with MIL . always has been, .. at least there in this site . it was something she enjoyed going to do .. and she misses it.
The reason she was now relegated (and we're aware, it's been explained) to Restorative . is because ... resources . have to be utilized wisely . and insurance .. is only going to pay when there is "progress" being charted. She had platued .. and so .. wasn't progressing, per se.
We've asked ... in the past .. "how long does she have to stay in Restorative . can she ever be returned to regular PT".
The answer has been .. "she will be re-evaluated every 3 months . if there is loss .. in other words, .. Restorative services only . are causing "loss of function" .. then she can be re-entered into regular PT".
W/all that in mind, we asked of them . when is she due to be re-evaluated for PT services . and the PT director indicated they'd do another re-eval ..
Will that have any follow-thru without babysitting the issue, likely not.
We talked about the fact that she gets on the walker, as part of her Restorative .. and that it is an assist . that they are not allowing her to use walker on her own . without assist, and that's because the compensatory strategies taught to her, such as . one must navigate around this obstacle in front of you . or one must have strong enough legs that if they get tripped up .. they don't then lose their balance . and so forth . because of her cognitive impairments . she doesn't remember the strategies taught to her and is a great fall risk . and so .. is not allowed the use of her walker on her own ...
And so that brought about some discussion on the cog eval that was done . and PT director . she indicated she is not a fan of the BIMS method utilized . it's a basic screening is all it is .. and that she was found to have "moderate" dementia (that was news to me, .. if you remember I was the one harping on that cog eval need . for years now .. .and even more recently when I happened to be there on site and took that issue with a bull by the horns approach . and wanted it seen to, and it was .. and SIL reported to me, ... after the fact, they'd told her the screening found "mild" dementia . .. that had surprised me .. when SIL told me that .. I'd of thought it worse than "mild"). So anyway here we were .. in this care plan meeting and the PT gal . talking of her forgetting strategies taught to her . as to keeping herself safe . and that it goes back to that piece on the cognitive impairment and she read some paragraph out loud as to the results of the BIM screening and it reported as "Moderate".
That then brought question from me, "I know at one time she was seen by Speech Therapists to work on memory . is that still ongoing".
Answer was no. That one can get OT and PT .. or Speech and one of the other, but not all 3, and so that was ceased.
I asked if that could be resumed, . to work on memory for her, that perhaps if memory can be improved ..??... (doubtful it'll be
doubtful it'll be all that helpful really, Dementia isn't reversible and I know that) .. but if she can have interaction with staff .. something she enjoys . then . .all the better, .. helpful or not.
They said they'd get an order for eval .. to see if they can resume those services. Again, follow thru on that .. dubious.
Recreation director talked, that they are fine with what is ongoing as to MIL . that she isn't really all that participatory in group settings . but has tried a few and they were pleased to see that . that she does go out, and try to engage some in conversation .. and that's a good thing .. and they asked of her . is there anything not offered there in the way of recreation that she wishes was offered. She had no suggestions. I offered up . is there a book club . she was always an avid reader, and has resumed some of that . is there a book club she could participate in. The answer was they used to have that, and generally it would be something they could read . but then would have at the end a movie .. made from that book, but it was discontinued. That they'd look into whether that will ever be resumed.
Dietary was there .. talked of any concerns on that front, none really . in that specific issue . the DON reported her weight as 150 . which is a gain of 2 lbs .. and so the weight is stable . and they are okay w/that . and I chimed in . only because SIL with all her bells and whistles and top spinning .. at one time . had that as issue dujour . even though I was disputing that as any issue .. seeing that MIL does in fact, eat .. MIL complaining to her daughter (from afar) that the food there is so bad . and she isn't eating .. SIL now worried her mom is losing weight . from not eating . and me assuring SIL from afar . "She does eat, . we've been there, she eats it .. maybe not all of it, doesn't have a huge appetite . .but she is eating . and the last care plan meeting that issue had arisen and there was no concern as to weight loss" .. arguing with a dam fence post . her all concerned.
So w/that having been mentioned . a gain of 2 lbs .. I chimed in: "Well that's great, . I know you've complained some MIL to DH and to SIL . that the food here has gotten so bad that you don't eat .. looks like you've managed to put on a couple of lbs . so we don't need to worry about weight loss from not eating".
At that the dietary person inquired as to what was the specific problem . and MIL could only respond .. "I don't really know, when I got here, it seemed like the food was pretty good, but in the last few months it seemed like it had gone downhill a lot .. did you guys get a new cook or something?".
The dietary person only answering that .. "no .. we have the same cook, . we have recently switched within the last few weeks to a heavier menu . as we go from spring/summer to fall/winter . and so that has changed, but it's only been in the last few weeks . ".
That issue never really dialed in on . how it is the food is so not good .. and why .. end result there, she is eating . and not losing weight . so no need to stay stuck and beat that dead horse.
SIL did inquire .. do they ever give out fresh apples, or grapes . is it always just a banana . that's what she seems to get daily . can she not have grapes or an orange or an apple, and the dietary person noted . and indicated they'd do so .. vary it . from just bananas. Saying to SIL she'd check doc orders . sometimes patients are prohibited from certain fruits as to GI issues . and if there are no limits . as per doc orders, .. she'd order it that her fruit be varied.
SIL reviewed some w/them her meds . wanted to know is she still on the med that keeps her BP from falling out . and yes she is . wanted to know how frequent her BP is taken . and it sounds like, not a lot . and so she asked of them to be taking her BP weekly .. not that there are symptoms . and that was asked of MIL . do you feel faint .. when you sit up . .and
and no she doesn't) .. but SIL wants them to take her BP weekly at least. Reviewed her meds further, is she still on an antidepressant . yes she is .. and does she feel to sad/blue . at which MIL answered, .. "No you know when I got here, I think it was a real shell shock of having to be in this position . and I was depressed .. no doubt about that .. but I think all in all, it's okay .. I like the people here, .. I like the staff for the most part, no I don't feel sad and blue mostly". So no need for adjustment there. SIL asking if she's still on the meds for the tremors . yes she is .. asking if MIL feels the need for any adjustment on that med, and MIL only reporting the tremors seem better at times, and worse at times, with no real explanation for why. So no need .. nothing to address that as any adjustment needed.
That pretty much summed up the meeting.
Now for observations outside of that ...
There is good reason I'm not mired in all this . and reminders of that, just visiting there .. are good .. good for me, to not get sunk into it all.
One thing . she has a new roomie . sweet woman, quiet woman . mobile . able to get up and go and she does .. and she participates "some" in activities there, and the dining room for meals . and sometimes she just ambles off .. maybe just not wanting to sit in the room there.
I don't know why other than MIL's savior complex she's always had .. this is most concerning to MIL. Why? Who can say why old people do what they do?
Me, .. if I were rooming with someone . and they weren't accounted for .. I have enough . boundary to realize . it's none of my biz where they went and why . and I'd move on with my life. Not so much with MIL. It's most concerning to her, if H is not present and accounted for and growing more and more concerned the longer she stays gone.
MIL .. been known to get out and about in her wheelchair, wheeling herself around, with the express purpose of "finding" H. Maybe H doesn't want to be found, . it's certainly not MIL's responsibility to keep up with H's whereabouts . but it does seem to be too much of a focus for MIL, and one that seemingly . perhaps . is growing annoying to H.
I know DH has mentioned before, that he's been there and that H has said .. of his mom "She worries so about me, .. she comes to find me ... she needs to not worry about me". H correcting his mother, .. "mother you need to leave her be .. if she wants to get out and about, leave her be", .. and his mom responding "Oh I know" . but then if H goes out and about, and is gone too long, it becomes focus #1 on MIL's behalf to go seek her out, find her.
It's hard to read .. but .. if you didn't know better you would pick up on the fact, that maybe H is finding this annoying . she is mobile, .. can get up on her own two feet and go wherever she wants . and .. I'm guessing for as long as she wants . and .. MIL .. if she misses her too long, will set out to find her, and usually does.
I know yesterday . we'd wheeled, MIL (H hadn't been present) .. heading towards where the meeting was to transpire . and in that . we came across what is the lobby area .. and were told to wait a few mins for the meeting to begin . and so we wheeled MIL into the lobby area, awaiting the meeting . and there was H . sitting in the lobby .. and she seemed annoyed (she was unaware we weren't there w/the express purpose of finding her .. we were there to await the meeting and told her so) . but her first words, . when we approach . MIL in wheelchair exclaiming, . "there you are, I wondered where you went" . and H's response: "Why did you come find me?!?!?", w/some .. I dunno .. annoyance and furrowed brow.
SIL then telling H .. "oh we're here for a meeting . we weren't looking for you".
Don't know if that registered with H or not . as she then got up from her sofa she'd been lounging on and ambled away. It does seem it's annoying her.
Also observed .. I knew SIL had been to a dept store to try to get for MIL some new pants/slacks . and she bought large and x large .. not knowing what's appropriate . so those will need to be tried on . so that SIL can then (her intent) go back and get one of every color, once she knows the appropriate size.
Same with some pj's . slip on tops rather than button up tops, large and x large . to see what's gonna be the right fit . then she can go back and buy every color made, I guess. Have at it.
And this one . is maddening to me . but whatever have at it. She'd bought also for her mom . 3 pairs of slip on shoes .. think Sketchers . slip on sneakers ..
Her mom has there on site, two pairs of sneakers that are lace up .. and there in lies the problem . she can't tie her own shoes . she's in a wheelchair, if she leans over that far, . she's gonna topple out of her chair .. and her shoe horn that SIL had at one point . bought for her, some long shoe horn . it grew legs . and is gone so she'd bought her another long shoe horn .. and she had these 3 pairs of slip on . sneakers .. for her mom to try (bought 3 only because she knew . we'll take two of them back, but just need to see which ones work best).
None of them worked.
She horn is useless .. doesn't have the hand dexterity to work with a shoe horn .. turning it appropriately to use it as it would be directed .. to fit the cup of the horn appropriately . had it backwards .. tell her to turn it around . . and she does . only to then lose the grip on it, and then have it b'wards again . it was a comedy of errors to even try a shoe horn at all.
None of the shoes work, none of them.
That's because . while she has a size 10 foot (like me) .. my foot is a foot .. it's a foot with skin on it, . her's is a foot with a hunk of meat surrounding it, .. because of edema . that isn't nearly as markedly bad as it used to be, but is still . . woefully bad .. and so fitting a size 10 foot into a shoe .. with all that meat that now surrounds the structure of what is her bones on a foot the size 10 it is . is hopeless.
It's a struggle to get ANY shoe on her foot . at all, . even the lace ups she has there .. the sneakers that have shoe laces . one can loosen them .. almost removing any shoe strings . to make that tongue of the shoe way up high . and allow her foot to now go into the shoe . it's still .. almost hopeless to get her foot into the shoe. House slippers with the soft suede that's stretched out . yes .. but much of any other "shoe" .. almost impossible.
SIL now beffuddled and in a snit .. "what are gonna do to find you some shoes" . showing me a pic of . and explaining at the same time that her mom doesn't like velcro .. "well there's these, but I didn't buy them because mom doesn't like velcro".
Me; "I guess try them . but if she doesn't like Velcro is she gonna wear them ... ??... why can't she just use the house slippers that seem to be ok .. ".
SIL: "Well it'd be nice if we take her out somewhere if she has shoes she can put on . shoes that fit".
I dropped it, . go chase rabbit holes SIL . it's what you do best, .. my thinking ..
Being around it all .. and I get stark . flashing red signs of warnings why I'm not in it all ....
I think SIL makes work for herself . now she'll have to haul back the shoes . and I guess lament and agonize over what shoe . what to do now .. go for it. The clothing . she's gonna have to get her up . to try on pj's and slacks . and so go for it.
As to how much is getting done as to the house dismantling . as I've always said of SIL . she has a motor like none other . doesn't stop . has to be busy busy busy all the time. So yes, she's going to Purgatory to chase rabbit holes and visit her mom . but when she's not at Purgatory there are drawers being cleaned out (she just shredded two file cabinets of . get this ..!!!!. 20 yo medical records MIl had kept) .. she is going thru closets, etc.
SIL returning home after tgiving.
MIL definitely has some dementia, more than "mild," IMO.
One thing dementia patients do is to become FIXATED on people or things.
Notice she never went looking for Chatty Cathy!
Wonder why?
I think MIL's deeply ingrained savior complex . she would call herself .. helping H to acclimate ... as a newcomer there. H is no longer really "new" there . and doesn't appear to need "help" acclimating ..
H does go to the dining room for her meals . not all the time, but sometimes she does (as opposed to MIL who never does that) .. H does go to some group activities . if she feels inclined . .and/or H will go and find somewhere to just contemplate naval fuzz .. and sit alone . and do just that. Doing so, on her own power, she walks ..
So why MIL has this fixation on .. (as I see it anyway) .. that she needs to be concerned with H's whereabouts . and under the guise of perhaps . helping her to acclimate . is not at all clear.
I think H is finding it really annoying. I would too .. if it were me, particularly if I am escaping someone who has a savior complex that thinks I need to be saved, .. all while I feel that I am doing okay . and I'm just doing my own thing . and here comes that savior complex woman looking for me again. It would annoy the chit out of me. But I'm also of sound mind .. and body (so far, I guess).
Your H should have gone to the care plan meeting. I do hope that SIL doesn't badger you regarding the followup up from yesterday's care plan meeting. You are very good at keeping the boundaries intact now, but be aware that you may be badgered about followup about things promised at that meeting because, after all, you were there.
I am curious...do you get minutes of care plan meetings? Does SIL sign anything? Because if it's not in writing, it never happened.
Talk about denial!!!!!
Maybe Chatty Cathy wasn’t so crazy after all... Just sayin’
So.... how much of the house will be cleared by the time SIL goes. What is the plan after that?
Gosh this is entertaining.
But then .. it got to where (as these things will do, with elderly) .. it was getting to be wholly ridiculously unmanageable by one person . particularly when the person driving the whole thing was apt for chasing rabbit holes and spinning tops .. and expected "me" on site here, to do her bidding for some of the craziness .. most of the craziness.
The hard fought boundaries I was able to finally find my way to, stay firmly entrenched at this point.
No I don't mind going to a care plan meeting . wherein . .perhaps .. as was the case yesterday . it gets mention as to her "moderate" cognitive impairment, . and I throw out there, . can speech therapy resume .. as a means to try to improve some on that memory ...
I don't mind interjecting .. as to some "ideas".
Where I have boundaries firmly in place, . to name 1 ... is that you won't see me with the follow thru on all this, burning up phone lines . as to "did staff see about x, y and z". Nope. If they don't, .. that will be SIL that will chase that down, not me . or she can direct her brother (yea right . .when pigs fly that'll happen).
I think a poignant question that could've been asked yesterday (and wasn't) in light of the fact that cognitive screening shows "moderate" as opposed to "mild" as SIL had eluded to .. would've been .. "so what accommodations are we prepared to talk about, since we know this cognitive impairment is going to impede some of what she can and can't do for herself" (i.e. .. refuses to call for help dressing and going toileting . even though she was chided for that .. yesterday in the meeting .. and cautioned as to how dangerous that is). Wish I'd of thought to speak up on that, but I didn't .. and SIL certainly didn't. The river of Denial has washed her comfortably down-shore on that topic.
I do think SIL has had to bite of a big bite of a reality sandwich (she's not there yet, she hasn't eaten the whole reality sandwich) .. but she has had to take a big savory bite of the fact her mom "isn't all there" mentally. That was lost on her, for far too long. I think she "gets it" a little more these days than has been the case in the past, . .still has a long way to go however.
For instance, her showing her mom yesterday (SIL has taken the time to take everything out of the closet from off the hangars . .the standard practice there, laundry gets hung up in the closet, even underwear . on hangars . nothing gets folded and put in drawers . if you want that done . have a LO do it, is kinda the approach) .. SIL has taken the time to attend to that.
She was then showing her mom yesterday that her little grabber apparatus she bought her .. if you don't squeeze the handle, using it as a grabber, .. it can act as a hook, and one can then lift the hanger off it's rod and have at it, as to what they want from the closet .. neat little nifty plan . ... FOR SOMEONE THAT WILL REMEMBER TO UTILIZE IT.
I watched this go on and thought to myself, .. you must be talking to hear yourself talk, she will forget you showed her that neat little trick . the second you finish showing her .. GAWD SIL.
Remember, she fussed at DH and "fired" him when she arrived on scene here a week or so ago . declaring he's done a lousy job of keeping up with MIL's clothes and folding them and setting them in the drawers vs things hanging in the closet (where she can't get them . she's in a wheelchair and can't stand at a closet to reach things). To which DH
DH responded "I'm fired? I didn't even know I'd been hired .. okay good, not worried about that task, wasn't worried to begin with". And he hasn't worried with it.
She would have liked to have summoned DD into that task . and I know for a fact, has tried . but DD is busy with 3 little kids and her "time" to go and organize drawers and such .. not so much.
I do believe SIL is seeing more of the reality .. than she has in the past .. and that's good, but she's not there yet .. not as far as I am, and have been.
I mean the shoes . she has nice sneakers .. name brand . nice sneakers .. granted, they are lace up ... and getting them loosened and enlarged to the degree MIL's big fat foot can squeeze into them . is a task like none other . and then tying them . not gonna happen with MIL's hands.
Perfect opportunity for some discussion on .. THE USE OF THE CALL BUTTON MOTHER ......................... and/or talk to staff about the things she won't remember to do ...
But no . go get 3 pairs of slip ons . none of which are workable . and that'll solve it .. yea right.
I suspect, if my reader is right (reading that H is getting annoyed, . and maybe my reader is off . maybe I just am picking up vibes that aren't what the accurate pic is) .. but if H gets enough of it, she might complain to staff . .. that MIL is following her around too much and seeking her out . and her whole goal is to get away from MIL some ...
I don't see H blowing up as CC did, .. H is too quiet an individual . and too nice .. she doesn't appear to be anyone that snaps off at folks. We'll see I guess.
It is though, for me a piece of *told ya so*. This whole Dementia piece has been an ongoing issue well before I even began to sound alarms that I was done with this whole gig .. (maybe not as bad as it has progressed to present day) but it was there ... oh was it there .. and me screaming from rooftops that it's too much . and she is impaired mentally .. and no one listening to me.
It's seen now, by staff . who tested her . and validated that fact. I mean you had the story a few weeks back where MIL had to be escorted away from the scene . MIL who goes out into the slumper area .. (I know folks hate that term, but I don't know what other way to describe it to visualize the area where folks sit .. who are in various stages of just out of it) . she goes into that area, daily in attempt to try to engage some in conversation .. and in this instance, . she was trying to strike up conversation with a lady ... and apparently it was heard by staff . that the woman responded to MIL that she didn't feel like talking . didn't stop MIL .. until the lady snapped at MIL . .and then MIL had to be carted from the scene and MIL herself now upset that someone would snap at her. And it had to be explained to her .. to MIL .. that when someone doesn't want to talk, don't take it personal . just move along and find someone else to talk to . it's upsetting to the person who has asked to be left alone .. and the staff terming it, "she doesn't pick up on social queues".
Most recently the dry cracked skin on her legs .. causing in some cases bleeding. I mean at one time, that wouldn't of even been occurring .. MIL realizing her skin is drying and itchy and so forth . would've remedied that on her own .. applying lotions ... not anymore. The whole quotient lost on her. SIL asking of her, why isn't she rubbing lotions on .. and her answering "I guess I just don't care". It's not that she doesn't care .. she doesn't remember .. problem=must find solution.
I have been on site a total of 1 time to help her, and that was only one afternoon .. DH .. came later in that afternoon.
Why haven't I been there more?
My feeling is .. if DH isn't motivated to go help his sister .. I won't be either.
Could I? Absolutely I could ... I could go out there, even when SIL is at Purgatory and be given a task . and anything I question . set it to the side for her to review .. and else-wise dispose of it.
But my feeling is very much one of .. careful there Dorker, tread lightly .. if DH isn't motivated to go . why should you be.
He mentioned going hunting this weekend and I said to him in passing, "your sister is out there with the daunting task of going thru papers and so forth . and ridding the home of many things .. *we* need to go help her".
He acknowledged I said that, .. does he now forgo an outing to hunt? We'll see. If he does, I don't mind going along with him . and I'll help too.
She has taken so many things by the Goodwill, books .. clothing . shoes .. and even gone by the local community hospice thrift store, to donate some DME stuff .. and pet stuff.
Interestingly enough . I guess she tries to keep most of this out of MIL's earshot .. too upsetting to her mom. But I guess at one point something said about the books and donating those (she had so many hundreds and hundreds of books) .. and MIL said to her: "Oh now don't get rid of my books until I can go through them".
SIL telling me this. And following it with, in conversation with me "not gonna happen .. h377 the last time I was here, I gathered up a bunch of books to dispose of . and she wouldn't let me get rid of them .. she made me stack em in the garage for her to peruse and go thru .. not gonna happen .. I'm getting rid of books by the hundreds".
Good for her.
She .. emotionally taxed with some of it .. I mean at one time her mom had taken the time to put together photo albums of what would be some of the ancestors that are folks that we didn't even know, . or only vaguely knew .. and so those photo albums .. what to do with them? These are people that if DH and SIL knew them . they only met them maybe once, as a small child . and the people so obscure in their memory .. what's the point. So what to do?
And the wedding dress for MIL .. I mean .. who wants that? Who wants to store it? But throw it away? That seems so overboard . but what to do?
Her journals .. for many years she'd keep journals and just write down daily thoughts . daily things she was doing . travels . events . so forth . what to do with all those?
A lot of this is emotionally taxing to SIL. That's where I could help. I don't have those emotional ties .. I'd toss em. But .. I haven't been asked to step up . and so . absent DH doing so . and my accompanying him . I've been there 1 time .. a total of 1 time to help.
I also had to hear comments about not throwing anything out and she could sort through everything in a day. It took my husband and I 6 months. We just grew to ignore those thoughts. Personally I think DH should help his sister rather than go hunting. I always had things I would have preferred to do rather than go back and back to my mother's apartment and face the chaos there. I knew it was my responsibility and that was how it would get done. My husband didn't enjoy driving 8 hours to his mother's house over 20 years ago to deal with her chaos. I could only join him once as our children were teenagers and couldn't be left alone. It is an exhausting and daunting process.
I just don’t understand the denial thing. If SIL is not forgetting or confusing MILs correct diagnosis, why would she deny the diagnosis that would get her Mom proper care and approach administration from that angle.
MIL can not care for herself on any level. Even if she could recognize that she needs to put lotion on her legs she probably can’t finish the thought process to complete that task.
It just seems SIL should understand Dementia better. I don’t understand giving a “grabber gadget” to a Dementia patient and first of all expecting that person to remember to use it. If that person did happen to remember, then having the motor function to use it...I don’t know something just seems off here.
Isn't there someone who comes and gets MIL up, washed and dressed each morning? That's certainly how it worked at my mom's NH?
Why is there an expectation that MIIL get herself ready for the day? At the very least, someone should be beside her cueing her.
Or is this in reality an assisted living facility?
They HANG UP each individual item of clothing--just as a dry cleaners does.
BUT, they don't notice bleeding cracks in the patient's skin and address it ASAP--any IDIOT knows what that is and how quickly it can become very serious....but, dangit, her laundry is HANGING UP!
I want to slap DH in the face--b/c he is acting exactly the way MY DH is acting about his mother who is quickly sliding into total dementia and we are just waiting for that 'fall' that will do her in. He only visits her if he knows his sister is there, b/c he doesn't want to listen to the rewind of the last 67 years of her horrible, horrible life and how tragic and sad it's been Because he was 'unplanned and ruined her life'. (In reality, like many others, she has enjoyed good health and a few good friends and is close to her daughter and her g-kids, so her life has in no way been 'hellish'.
I can't force DH to even pick up his phone to so much as call his mother. He played on the phone for 5 hours last Sunday on Fakebook and when I asked if he'd thought to check on his mom, he said "Oh, J is there. She's fine".
However, I get it. My son is starting to pull away from me and doesn't call or text or anything for months. If I call him he ignores me. I give up...I guess this must be genetic.
SIL has worked her bum off to clean out the house and I bet you can't even tell the difference. I hope she calls a place that will come take EVERYTHING that's left. It's expensive, but it's worth it.
So SIL leaves next week for...how long? The RM is going to get called in pretty soon. DH is going to have to step up---and I laugh as I say this b/c We all know he isn't going to do anything he's not held at gunpoint to do.
Wait til MIL dies, he will be distraught. I know my DH is always saying what a lousy son he is (I don't argue, he is) and then he gets depressed and feels worse, but will he do anything to help his mother? Nope. She's been pretty awful, I get that part, but he can spend 1/2 hr per week just talking to her. And it would mean a LOT to his sister.
He could hang up her pjs for her, I guess.