I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
She was with MIL just enough on this visit to fall back into old patterns.
She was also going through that whole stupid house. That can seriously mess with your head as I am sure many on here can attest.
Memories flooding in... then visiting MIL but only having to listen to her sadness, but not enough to remember just how compromised that woman is.
MIL probably makes comments like “oh honey, you do so much for BIL, you must be exhausted carrying that.” The problem is SIL’s tired, sad, memory-messed-with brain reads that as a soothing “Mom cares about me” message instead of the more self-centered comment that it really is. I completely agree that the revived fixation on BIL is because SIL went home and didn’t give up her life for MIL.
She probably had 30 comments like that a day and now she is reverting, and it isn’t healthy for her.
The response I would give her texts, especially when it is off the wall, far reaching “solutions” like a private
room is something along the lines of this...
”I know that visit was rough on you, SIL. You kicked butt and did good. That walk down memory lane can be exhausting. If talking to MIL everyday is getting to be too much, if you can’t yet step back from her stories and sad commentary, no one would fault you for cutting back the calls to once every couple of days. MIL is taken care of... There are some journeys no one can make with us. And it is sad, yet letting her world overrun your world isn’t good for you. You and BIL deserve to focus on your own lives.”
And I wouldn’t do messages to DH... Talking about SIL and her sad state is fine, that is a uniting thing for you two. If you try to help them understand each other or whatnot, it will start dividing you again.
Glad time with Dad worked.
And whoever suggested just saying the walker is in storage and getting rid of it... yes.
Or you all never discuss it again lol.
Distract or leave if one must, but I wouldn’t be comfortable agreeing with very derogatory comments about people I care about.
I don’t agree with your DH on many things, but he gets kudos on my book for loyalty:)
Because we all know by now that MIL would NOT be happy even if she had a room in a palace with a golden form-fitted raised toilet and with devoted servants feeding her grapes and truffles when she opened her mouth! There will always and forever be something, in ANY living situation that the two of them would find to fret and fuss about.
Like her brain just erupts up with reflux & hurls itself into all of your phones as one huge spreading vom.
I'm over here like in the mindset and have been .. for a long time . that yes it's crummy .. and sad as all get out .. why do people have to live so long that they no longer have any modicum of QOL ... and it's sad ... I agree 1000% ..... but .... I can't control that, no one can. Barring some horribly deplorable situation that mandates that she's being abused or neglected in that setting, the rest of it, is just a .. oh I dunno .. for me .. it's just kinda a "it is what it is" .. and all this top spinning and whirligig generating . and rabbit hole chasing is just that .... And I don't have the time or energy for any of it.
So extremely divergent paths from two different people here. She of the ilk, texted me yesterday afternoon even . that she'd been in contact with the PT person there at Purgatory . and that in light of how well MIL is doing on the walker (not a rollator) when they work with her, they want her to hang onto the rollator .. in the hopes she can at some point graduate to it .. and are even willing to hang onto it and store it there if need be.
This the place that somehow .. her hairbrush comes up missing .. her soap to bathe . comes up missing .. her clothing comes up missing . but yes . let's give them that all valuable .. *I guess cannot be replaced* (said snarky like) rollator/walker, . in the off chance that one day she'll use it. By all means, let's give that to them to store it, so that too can become a point of contention when it gets lost, as have so many other things there.
It's like she won't be happy until someone takes time out of their schedule to purposely go out to MIL's house and grab up the rollator walker . and haul it to . the specific indiviual there at Purgatory .. the PT staff member, for storing ..
And even then, it'd just be the next whirligig or rabbit hole that she thinks will solve all this.
I did . not so long ago . once she'd left here to return to IL and was lamenting that her mom is so sad and blue at her departure ... and every time she talks to her mom . that her mom says to her, things that aren't realistic . like wishing she would just move here .. and so forth. I did take that opportunity to say to her that it's not fair to her . what her mom puts on her, that she deserves to make a life outside of this dilemma that has consumed her for many years. She responded that her husband has said the same things . that she has absolutely worn herself out, . thru years and years of being consumed by it all .. and that if she'd decided to stay in IL ... if MIL had .. that he's sure she'd work herself into the ground seeing about her mom daily . that it's good she wanted to come to FL . forces SIL to have to walk away from it . more than if she were living right there in a setting in IL. I agreed with her husband .. at least in the respect that it consumes her . and told her that I think she is what is called "enmeshed" with her mom and on an unhealthy level.
She responded to that with something akin to this: "She's my mom and we've always been so close . and I love her . I just want to do anything I can to ease this painful part of her life .. it's hard .. it's hard for her, it's hard for me to watch her be so unhappy".
Me: See, that is where the enmeshment part comes in SIL ... you can't fix her happiness .. that isn't up to you .. none of us ... that's on her . life is what she makes it .. barring something despicable as to her care and well being .. you can't fix it and you work yourself into the ground trying .. and that's not fair to you and to your husband and your lives and interests.
SIL: I just love her, .. and we've always been so close . it's hard at this point in her life to see her so unhappy . I wish it could be different ..
Me: "SIL she wasn't happy when she was in her own home . she was so isolated there, . and sick a lot, and falling . and not taking adequate care of herself .. she wasn't happy even then".
SIL: I know you're right . she hasn't been happy for a long time ...
Me: "She's not going to be happy .. no one can give her what she wants .. a restoration of youth .. that can't happen .. and it's the one thing that would bring her peace and happiness . but it's not going to happen".
SIL: "I know, .. I wish I understood what it is about her with the denial of aging . she has denied she was aging since forever ... never accepted it .. I've talked to her sister some about it, her sister is older than her! And she too .. she sees it in mom . that mom just refuses to accept aging .. that wasn't gonna happen to her . she wasn't gonna get old ... it's almost like it's just a living nightmare . maybe she thinks she's a 30 year old . trapped in that God forsaken place with all these decrepit people".
Me: "I don't know .. but I know that with regard to you .. you are too deeply ingrained in her happiness or lack thereof that you can't fix .. and you need to work on that . and back away from it all".
SIL: "I'll never be able to back away from it .. I love her . and it's so sad to me that her life has become what it has".
So that's about how it goes trying to get SIL to see that she can't fix it .. and so all the whirligigs and top spinning goes on into infinity .. and ... I guess always will.
Follow his lead in getting his mother's REAL needs met.
Empathize with SIL's sadness that her mother is so sad; visit MIL when the spirit moves you and bring her the treat YOU think she'll like.
When she (MIL) needs help, press the call button and see what the response time is.
Stop letting SIL's craziness occupy so much real estate in your brain. You'll be happier for it.
The conversation to you, passed to DH, who says tell SIL, and you pass that back to SIL... that has to stop.
One sentence. "I've passed your concerns to DH. You need to text him about MIL, not me. And don't worry about the rollator, we have it under control."
From now on, every message that comes from SIL that is not about YOU, ignore (or block it). Don't even say "send it to your brother." When she calls you and asks if you got her text about x, tell her you assumed she was just copying you on what she sent DH and you know he has it under control.
The rollator - just give it to the thrift shop. There will be another if she has to pay for one. On flylady, someone said that Goodwill is a storage facility for your junk you need just in case - that there will be 6 glass vases there when you need them, so they don't need to fill up your (paid!!) storage space. When asked, "I took care of it." no details.
SIL - What a piece of work!
Now SIL is gone .. and so MIL is left with what DH can do, as to getting by there, . and it "ain't" as much as SIL was doing, that I can assure you. If he gets there once a week, at least at this point, . he's doing all he can do, to accomplish that much. And he's also not going to be very attentive to (supposed) lost pj tops and the heat/ac issue . yea he'll report it as broken . but he's not gonna dog the thing like SIL does .. and hound the ever lovin chit out of every staff person she can reach .. til it's seen to and addressed. Interestingly enough, maintenance guy did show up . and I don't know that I've ever noted where that thermostat is located in her room, but apparently up very high . so as to keep folks from fidgeting with it . it had been turned to 55 degrees .. a simple matter of an adjustment upwards and back in biz . no longer parked next to an iceberg as MIL was describing it. Curious as to how that happened .. as DH put it, .. it's up so high there's no way MIL or H could've messed with it. Weird. That got dialed in on, once said maintenance crew looked at it. Not because DH dogged the issue down to get it seen to, yes he reported it, but that was the end of it as far as he does things.
As SIL said of him, when she was here, and maybe with some annoyance to her tone ... "I see what he does when he comes, he pops a lollipop in his mouth from her sweets drawer and sits and visits .. here I am working my azz off, chasing down who is doing what, and not doing what .. and where did this or that disappear to . and what are we doing about X, Y and Z ................ he comes . he sits and visits and sucks on a lollipop".
Interestingly enough .. .the MIL said of the whole thing after the fact, .. after SIL had left.
MIL's words: "You know when your sister comes, she never sits down to visit with me, never, she's so busy running around trying to organize things here, and seeing who is doing what about whatever issue she thinks needs to be seen to, and who is not doing their job . and what can be done about it, she never visits . you come and you just listen .. I like that. I try to get her to sit and just talk/visit . but she won't .. she stays so busy when she's here, you can't visit with her at all".
Pretty precise and accurate on MIL's part .. to have described that . it's just about accurate .. and awfully astute for someone who suffers from her own degree of dementia.
But yes, MIL has gotten spoiled with SIL's visit here . and I guess . all that's wrong with the MIL universe gets reported to SIL in her 2 and 3 phone calls daily to her mom . and then that begins the tops spinning as to righting the universe in MIL world .. direction from afar.
Unfortunate, at least IMO . that MIL was so firm in her stance she had to land in FL . and FL only .. and not in IL. Her daughter, would indeed work herself to the bone to see about every minutia that could possibly be conjured up and dog each issue to the ends of the earth . daily/hourly. Her son ... will not . . he just isn't made that way .. and won't do it. Her son's wife .. is not gonna take direction from afar .. and her g'daughters .. we know their stories . they are all busy and not gonna take direction either, for the most part .. and so .. MIL is left, .. with all her litany of complaints .. and spewed to her daughter .. afar .. and so it all goes in this saga that never ends.
The piece that her daughter was spewing .. about H is so unpredictable, that was in particular really incensed me.
H is not all that unpredictable. H has dementia also . but H has made it abundantly clear she doesn't like being worried about and essentially chased down by MIL . who "worries" about her, when she is absent for any length of time.
SIL and DH both indicate they've told her repeatedly "don't worry with where H has gone, it annoys her for you to go looking for her, . that's not your job to worry with where she has gone . that's the staff's job to concern themselves with .. leave her be".
But you are talking to someone with dementia . and she's not going to remember .. "leave H alone . don't worry with her whereabouts".
And so what happens in the end, is that H gets annoyed at having been hunted down . and then spouts off a bit at MIL . who then reports it to her daughter . that "H has become so unpredictable ... I just stay out of my room more .. to avoid her".
What she's not saying and won't .. because her brain capacity doesn't see it that, is "I have succeeded in pizzing off H again, when I went to hunt her down".
So .. what that all looks like .. is this. SIL then reporting that her mom's misery . at least a slice of it, is the unpredictable-ness of H. And so . now we must try to dial in on a private room for mother.
When I just wanna pull my hair out . and have said as much to SIL .. as has DH . at least to me, who seems to have a keener perspective on it, than does SIL.
NO .. your mom is pizzing her off . she isn't unpredictable at all ... she has said it . that it annoys her for your mom to come hunt her down and worry with her, she's said it .. to DH . to your mom .. but your mom has her own dementia and doesn't remember that little piece of this . and yet . goes and hunts her down . and then when H is "unpredictable" as you wanna term it . and blows off at your mom . you then wanna set in motion another rabbit hole to "fix it" .. in getting her a private room ... SIL ... she has her own issues that aren't gonna be FIXED by yet another whirligig .. S.T.O.P. I.T.!!!!!!!!!!! Just stop .. your mom makes her own misery, unwittingly yes .. but she does so on her own .. if she had the cognitive ability herself to process that she is pizzing the woman off ..she wouldn't land in that predicament . she doesn't have that cognitive ability".
I have said that to SIL who then replies: "I just feel bad for her that she has to spend her end days of her life .. with her own cognitive issues . in a place where .. I mean they're having to work on some guy in a wheelchair right there in her presence . some medical emergency .. and some other person died moments earlier, . and having to navigate the whole thing with H . who .. she never knows is gonna maybe snap at her . it's just a lot of sadness and gloom for her to have to deal with at this stage of her life".
Yes, and your mom is going to forget that H snapped at her . and go do it again and again . and if it isn't H she's pizzing off it'll be someone else, . .because she doesn't have the cognitive capacity to process all this .. and yes it's gonna make her sad . but there really aren't any perfect solutions that you seem to keep wanting to find .. there simply aren't any .. sans her living alone with a cadre of personal servants . and that's not possible! So the best you can do is just listen and maybe respond with "oh gee, .. yea that kinda stuff can happen" .. and then change the subject . the woman isn't hitting her .. she isn't throwing things at her . so she hurts her feelings for the moment . h377 your mom is hurting the other woman's feelings by hunting her down daily . .when she just does what people do . meander around".
SIL: "Well they've had to bring H back to the room a few times . she gets out and gets lost and so mom .. I guess .. worries about her .. and so .. she thinks in her own diminished mind somehow that she has to go hunt her down . and so .. therein lies the problem".
Me: "yea and it's not a problem you're gonna be able to solve and "fix" .. it just isn't ..
Good GAWD you guys! It's enough to make you crazy. There is no telling her . she doesn't hear it ..
In her world . her mother is unhappy there must be a "fix".
It's like .. ya know .. people get "unhappy" .. that's life . .. I get unhappy . my g'kids get unhappy . everyone I know . gets unhappy at times . probably SIL too at times, maybe unhappy about something or other . it's life.
This is truly in every sense of it all .. it speaks to the life MIl was living prior . she wasn't happy there in her own home . but as SIL would term it, "well she was less unhappy there" .. true enough. But .. SIL the ultimate (crippler) enabler .. always the "fixer" ... all the years her mom in her own home . isolated . wouldn't go out and do things . when she was able . because "those are old people" . but yet complain of being lonely .. complain "this is no life, this is no way to live" ..
If it were me . yes the mother would've been told .. many times . "life is what you make it mom .. you can .. and should go engage with peers . but you won't do it, because you don't want to go things with "those old people" .. well .. "those old people have a lot to offer, just as you do . .but I guess it works for you to sit there in your home isolated and lonely . so go with that then .. "
AND THEN SIL LET IT GO .. if she'd of ever once said that to her mom ... just once .. e.v.e.r.
But nope. Always the crippler/enabler "fixer".
At one time that would've brought beckoning from afar .. to go take mother to lunch . maybe go take some take out to her .. can one of us go visit her . many different scenarios that might alleviate her boredom/loneliness, etc. And we did it . for a long time.
It remains the same to this day . only the setting is different. Her mom is unhappy and so a "fix" must be found. "H has become so unpredictable".
N.O. S.H.E. H.A.S.N.T.
Why do you buy into that? Why can you not look at things more objectively and actually "See/own" that your mom .. and her own diminishments .. play into all this and there aren't any "Fixes".
I don't know .. it's enough to make one wanna crawl in a hole in a fetal position and suck their thumb and just make it all go away.
SIL texted me yesterday (and I shouldn't of even answered it) ..
SIL: "Do you know why DD is asking me when is trash day at mom's house, is she out there throwing things away".
I shouldn't of answered it, but it pizzed me off with her.
My answer to her: "I don't know anything about questions that DD is asking of you .. and trash or trash days . maybe reach and ask her .. I wouldn't know what she is and isn't throwing away".
Heard nothing further, . maybe she got my drift there .. "WHY ARE YOU ASKING ME . OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE AN OPEN LINE OF COMMUNICATION GOING WITH HER ....................... ASK HER!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I should've maybe just ignored it entirely and she'd of had to reach out to DD as to why DD wants to know when is trash day . where she should've gone to begin with. But it pizzed me off . why bother me with that question . what in the name of GOD am I gonna know about why she is asking that .. .I'm not there . she is .. and just answer her, . and if you have any questions about what she's throwing out . ask her .. why ask me, I'm not her.
Same thing she did with regard to the rollator walker, .. asking me if DH took it . and no . he didn't .. haven't seen it around here anywhere . and would we get it and store it . I asked him he said no .. no room for it here (we do have room for it on a shelf in the garage somewhere, but DH kinda of the sentiment . why bother . she's not gonna use it again in all likelihood) so DH just snap decison "no .. we don't have room to store it, tell her no .. ".
I did that . and she came right back with that point . "Can YD put it in her storage unit".
Why ask me . it's not my storage unit .. it's YD's .. she paid for it and SIL knows this. Ask her . why are you asking me?
I did ask YD . when I next saw her and her answer was much the same as DH's . not wanting to fool with it (she does have room for it, and said so . at least to me
Dementia patients do tend to follow others around in their obsessive phase. It's part of how keeping them at home can drive you batty. It might be time for anti-anxiety meds for MIL. See what SIL says to that!
But thinks it's stupid to hang onto it, . it won't likely be needed again . and so now I have to figure out where to put it in the storage unit . and when I go get the stuff out of it . in a few months then again have to figure out what to do with the dam thing . no .. just tell her no .. no room for it".
I did that . told SIL no .. she doesn't have room for it . then she comes back with "Even if it's collapsed she still can't find room for it".
I didn't even pose that to YD for a while because I hadn't talked to her/seen her, but when I did . she said this: "I know mom she's been blowing up my phone asking me .. just . yea . whatever . I'll go get the thing and stick it in my storage unit .. it's stupid g'ma will never use it again but SIL isn't gonna shut up .. so .. I'll get it and put it in my storage unit . whatever".
And in the meantime SIL had been in touch with this PT person in Purgatory who yes . yes . hang onto it .. she's doing so well when we work with her, .. we hope to one day get her back to using it .. hang onto it .. and if you don't have anywhere for it, we'll store it for you".
If I wasn't so otherwise busy I might would just be flat out dam mean and go take the thing to the UPS store, and pay what it costs to box it and ship it to her .. "here you hang onto the dam thing .. I'm done dealing with it".
it is refreshing to see someone standing up to SIL and her ridiculous antics. And it is really sad to hear that MIL is lamenting on how H sits and LISTENS to her when he visits and SIL does not. Makes me wonder. Is SIL aware of that? I mean, has she stopped long enough to pause & reflect & realize that she’s not actually spending time with her mother? She’s running in circles micromanaging every little thing, trying to make MIL happy....and it seems that the only thing that might just make MIL a little happy is for SIL to give MIL her undivided attention and actually spending time with her.
editing to add—and it seems SIL has been maybe a little critical of H for not being as attentive to all of the issues SIL manages to find. I just get the impression from what you’ve relayed that it sounds like she would prefer he do more (chase down the staff and hound them like she does) but she acknowledges it’s just how he is. But does she acknowledge that when he goes to the nursing home, he visits their mother? He’s sitting and listening to her. Hes doing the one thing SIL is not doing. Do either of them realize that?
So, is this year better than last, or just different? I seem to recall MIL being a real pill about Christmas dinner and such...or maybe I'm thinking of the 2 old ladies in my life :)
She's NEVER gonna be happy. Nothing even close. I bet she gets to Heaven and starts texting St Peter about her mansion in the sky is too small, too cold, too hot, blah, blah, blah.....
As far as the da5n rollater. Take it to goodwill where it can be USED by someone who needs one and tell SIL it's stored. That is not technically a lie.
As far as clearing out the house--if everything of value is out of it--call one of those college-boy junkers and have them come with their trucks or whatever and just haul everything in the house out of it. Then hand it off to the bank. Wringing hands over what may be still in there is pointless. Nothing MIL owns can be used by her now, the stuff that she cared about is given away and living a new life, just as it should be.
I sounds callous, but I know when Mother dies, we will not be crying about her many drawers of old sticky Tupperware. Nor her collection of TV Guides. Nor the 4 bins of old bank statements and PCH envelopes. She's still alive and I'm itching to clean her apartment TODAY. (And I'm still not allowed to be around her gross birds).
I laugh at the rollator thing. Mother has 2 aluminum walkers, 1 'seated' rollater, and one HUGE wheelchair AND a powerchair stored. The powerchair is stored in a shed, but the rest of the stuff is in her house. Nobody cares enough to try to make her size down so she has more room to move around. All her walls are banged up she simply slams her walker into doors to open them.
Part of her (and maybe many elderly people's) LIKES to have all her medical 'stuff' hanging around the house. Her diabetes stuff is all spread across the kitchen counter. Her extra catheter bag hangs off a hook in the bathroom, so you have something lovely to look at if you use her bathroom. Her PT 'exercise' bands sit on a side table, quietly rotting away. Wet depends and pads sit marinating in the bathroom trash, b/c the garbage goes out on SATURDAY, she gets mad if you take a bag out when you visit---
My point, if I have one, I guess is that all of us have quirks and weird little personality traits that we exhibit. Whether they make our home reek of sick old urine or feral birds or bacon fat...or there's not a place to sit if you go visit...we all have oddities.
Dorker--you have a full plate with Christmas Prep. Block SIL's texts until the 26th and simply do what NEEDS to be done, not what SIL wants you to do.
She's NOT the boss of you. Or as our family credo says "Don't boss me". I made plaques for all the kids, but with written in Latin b/c we don't want the grands to get snarky too soon :)
I'm kind of glad my slow recovery from cancer is keeping me from doing too much. DH was home yesterday and we got a lot done, but not a nap for this old gal and I am paying the price today. VERY tired, so I know I am still requiring taking care of myself and reaching out to DH to help. (And he is).
Does SIL and DH know that MIL laments these things . that SIL will not stop and smell the roses? Yep.
DH .. knows all too well, and says of his sister she doesn't "modulate" well. We were talking, he and myself recently . on that topic and I shared with him what SIL had imparted to me, .. wherein her husband had said to her that it's a good thing really . that her mom opted not to stay in IL for a setting .. as SIL would've worked herself into the ground seeing about her mom all day every day of her life. Here here! He's dead on.
Imparting that to DH . and he said he agrees, that his sister isn't able to "balance" it. I'm sure she'd probably look at what he does and counter with "where's the balance in what he does . he goes there and sits and listens to her, . where's his effort at finding PJ bottoms that are missing, or shampoo that has suddenly come up missing, or some staff person that was supposed to have answered a question and didn't . or whatever else it is I dial in on when I'm there, he needs some BALANCE".
That's likely what you'd hear from her.
DH .. yes sad ..very very sad at his mom's plight at this juncture in her life .. particularly when you contrast that against the fact we have some folks on the periphery of our lives . in their 90's . and doing relatively okay in their homes . on their own for the most part. Sad .. he stays pretty sad that his mom didn't get that path to follow herself .. and that at this point in her life .. it's all about the sad and gloom of it all, and no way out .. except death . . and of course . that only comes when it comes .. no one can say when that will be the final release from what he would term a "living h377 for her".
But he's also able to compartmentalize a little better than does SIL . as to missing PJ's .. "so who cares, wear mismatched PJ's . who even cares at this point". Or missing shampoo or hairbrush ... "I'm sure they can find her a hairbrush somewhere along the way there ... it's not a catastrophe". Or a temp in her room that isn't suitable . and even he admits it was cold in there .. and what was his solution . report it to staff . and he did so .. and that was that for him. Wouldn't be for SIL. She'd call every person she can get that is any kinda staff there, . and tell the tale of woe . and wait for it to be solved . instantaneously and when it isn't (and it wasn't) . she's on the phone . more and more.
Balance.
Yes, SIL is aware that's said and denies (for the most part) that it's any "real" factor. She would tell you "I DO sit and visit with her!". And she would then go on to describe something akin to: "When I was there the other day I had to go hunt down the PT person because mom said they never came on the designated day and I wanted to find about that . so had to go hunt them down . .and then I had a question for the head nurse . and so had to go try to track him down . and tell the staff member that I'd be there, if they find him . to send him to me . and then I went and sat with mom . and visited/talked to her .. and then the PT person came, so I talked to them about the concerns .. and then the head nurse came, I talked to him . and in the process mom mentioned that her hairbrush was missing so I was up hunting for that .. and talking to the nurse desk about if they knew anything about it .. and . .. why does she tell me these things that are wrong if she doesn't want me to DO something about it ... she tells me these things ... and I can't just say *oh well* .. I have to try to dial in on it .. "
That's about what you'd hear from SIL. Truly.
It's the same chit different day really.
This used to go on when MIL lived at home .. and SIL would swoop into town .
SIL who I've said from the beginning runs on hyperdrive .. she never slows down . her feet hit the floor, the brain engages and off she goes .. and doesn't stop.
When MIL lived at home .. you might would see her flittering out to the grocery and then to the PO .. and then to the bank and then by the hardware store for some new whirligig she thinks will "fix" whatever the issue dujour is . and then back home . and now out in the b'yard trimming back hedges . and/or pulling weeds, and/or sweeping the deck and/or repotting flowers in the flower pots . and/or throwing in laundry .. and/or .. whatever . it goes on and on.
MIL used to complain when she lived at home that SIL would never just sit and visit with her, talk to her, always so busy doing and doing and doing . all the time.
In that day I was much more present in it all, and so I shared those sentiments with SIL and she denied it to be any "True" factor .... "I do visit with her, what does she think we're doing when we sit and have a bowl of cereal in the morning .. I'm visiting with her .. we talk about the upcoming doc appts and the where and why of each . and when of each . and we talk about the symptoms she's had/having . we talk about stuff . what does she think we're doing .. but there's always so much that needs to be done . and I have such limited time . I wanna make it count . and get things done for her . things she can't do .. and so I am usually doing that also .. but why does she tell me the flowers need to be repotted . the weeds are overgrown out there . the so and so won't work . and I have to go to the hardware store to try to find a replacement part . why does she tell me .. unless she wants me to fix it .. that's what I do . .. I try to help her and fix things and make things better for her".
So yes . DH and SIL are both v.e.r.y. aware those things are said of them .. DH doesn't care .. what SIL said about "yea I see what he does, he sits and sucks on a lollipop and listens to her .. me ..??... I'm running my azz off trying to dial down any number of things that need answers to them". He doesn't care. Not one whit what she says. Because .. as he said of her, "she can't modulate . she can't find a healthy balance". He's right.
SIL yes, very aware that has been said of her, and for the most part denies it . and justifies her continued busyness .. in all that MIL needs . and that she has to satisfy what her mom "needs".
Haven't heard a peep out of SIL today at all, .. since I told her to "ask her" with regard to her question directed to me as to DD and why she needs to know what day garbage runs at MIL's . and is she throwing stuff out. I simply responded "ask her, I don't know anything about garbage . and what DD is doing".
Maybe she got the drift there, .. why are you asking me??!!??!?!?!
The only stuff really that remains there ... there are some things that are to go to a cousin in TN .. cousin of DH and SIL .. and they are to be picked up by a brother to this cousin .. and brought there over xmas.
After that what is left there is just incidental stuff ... cleaning supplies . trash really, outside of that. Some nice baskets that MIL weaved several several years ago when she was into such things. But none of us want them.
A few odds and ends from her china cabinet . pieces no one wants.
It's really winding down to just nothingness left there, after the cousin comes to retrieve what is to go to TN.
So yea . call 1-800 junk .. and swipe whatever cleaning supplies that are left there . and take em if we want em . and that's really pretty much it. DH said he wants to go out there one last time . and sit and have a beer . and the kids that wanna come, join him .. (kids meaning our adult daughters).
Her car remains .. but we can bring that here to sell it if we need to . hasn't been listed yet . as the mechanic who has always worked on it .. indicated he wants it, need to resolve that.
As long as you allow her to text you and get you involved, it will continue to upset you. I know she was local for a while and your relationship became the relationship of people who live in the same place. But now that she's gone back to IL, she needs to be reminded of the boundaries that you set in the past.
You can't stop her obsessive behavior regarding her mother, but you can set it up so that YOU don't have to be in her direct firing line.
I am taking your advice too.
Life as a middleman for me has been massive ongoing stress. My Mother (like SIL) very OCD but could never txt & can no longer even call. Can only send her list to do via Dad (2 finger typist with carpal tunnel) so only a very small % gets to me. YAY but even that amount is killing me slowly!
I see it as a ping pong match. Balls keep coming - I kept deflecting them back. Takes energy & focus! Every now & then, like Dorker, my eye off the ball & one gets through.
My new game plan is;
1. Not replying to any text for several hours or next day (to lower expectations)
2. Use one of 5 pre-prepared sentences in my phone.
Sort of a greyish rock approach. Any good for you Dorker?
I was thinking the other day, particularly annoyed with the barrage of questions and so forth coming at me, from her. I think it was a day that I was either with DD and kids for something or maybe had the kids while DD was off and doing something. I was reflecting that when her son comes into town from across the other side of the globe (her daughter has no children) .. her son brings his family, 3 kids and a wife . and generally speaking they are off and gone, and her left with the 3 kids (which she adores doing .. doesn't get to see them enough as it is), .. she is MIA .. one can't talk to her. Literally .. if you try to call her, .. if you can even get her on the phone at all, .. and that's a big "IF" at those times, .. generally speaking there is so much ongoing chaos that she can't even talk to you and will tell you so .. "Oh I was on my way out the door to do _________with the kids .. I'll have to call you later . not sure when I can even call you back, it's crazy here with the kids in town".
And that's about how it goes really.
Yet here I was being hit with an onslaught of questions and so forth from afar . all while trying to do what it was I was doing with the kids, and finding it extremely annoying to mind them .. and yet .. answer to her barrage of questions.
Like the ping pong balls that Beatty mentioned . every once in a while one gets through.
It dawned on me in that moment .. "ya know when her g'kids are in town (Granted it's usually only once a year, for a period of about 3 weeks) ...... one can't even get her ear if their hair is on fire for something .. she is MIA and unavailable .. and not apologetic for it.
Understandably she turns her energies/focus/attention on her g'kids and her son and his wife for that 3 week period and honestly, if her mother's hair caught on fire, .. I don't think she'd be able to surface from that setting to address it at all, likely wouldn't even know it .. far too engaged with what's in front of her in the visit by her son and family.
Granted, in my world . it's not that I turn and have the focus/energy on a visit by a daughter and kids who only come once a year ..
They are here, .. usually once a week or more . .some variation of above .. and not for 3 weeks straight, day and night as is her case .. but ... for some period of time .. usually once a week or more.
Got a bit annoyed with myself at that point. That I should do as she does . when I have my family here .. (which is far more than she is afforded in visits from her family) .. I should just ignore whoever has the hair on fire for whatever reason .. and just flat out ignore it and not answer to any of it, and find myself stressing the h377 out trying to respond to her on whatever issue dujour it is . .and yet ... do whatever it is I'm doing with the kids at the moment. Why does she get the benefit of my balancing all those balls in the air at the same time, simply because my kids happen to live here and visit more frequently?
I need to re-train myself, but also her .. that if she texts me at a time that I am otherwise occupied (and that's a lot of the time) ... she simply gets no answer, .. as Beatty defined . maybe even not til the next day . no answer at all. That's precisely what happens in the event her kids happen to have traveled the globe to come visit/stay with her. One can reach out to her, and get crickets .. no response at all. BECAUSE .. she is otherwise occupied with her g'kids.
"What is my purpose? What are my goals? Why am I here?".
Talking with DH some this morning. It's getting harder and harder for him to go see/visit his mom, partly for the above stated questions that get asked and answered each and every time.
He will continue to go . is able to put self on back burner, and her in front of his own emotions . and trudge through. But is evident it's becoming more of a struggle and he says so .. in the fact, if he gets there once a week at this point, . that's saying something.
He is weary of going to visit her, when it's all melancholy all the time with the same repeated questions (and yes I've told him she likely doesn't remember that you have had this conversation with her, at least one million times).
It's almost like, .. I don't know what "goal" she is thinking she needs to set? What "purpose" she is thinking needs to be achieved. But .. on the one hand I do see that people need "goal/purpose" daily. But on the other hand, . .. did any of you experience in your LO that they were more resigned to the fact of life .. life has become one of .. I can't do much ... but I'm okay, I'm happy. Was that the experience of anyone here, in their LO in a NH.
Do some older folks have that as their outlook?
I know I had an aunt that ended up in NH before her days were over, and she was happy to be there. Her words, and I quote: "I spent my entire life being responsible for everyone and everything .. it's my turn now .. they can wait on me, and I'll be happy to sit right here and be waited on". And she was "happy".
Just curious what others' experienced in their LO ..... if it was a scenario where there was more resignation to the path forward.
I know that SIL has reached out to the psychiatrist and SW at Purgatory to try to get both of them to work with their mother on not worrying with her roomie, H, and getting her to understand (may be not possible) that she isn't responsible for H . and is causing herself some blowback in H .. when she hunts H down . .. in the supposed "Well I was worried about her, she'd been gone all day".
So what? Who cares. Let her be gone all day, that's the staff's issue to worry with not yours..
As DH put it, coupled with the above "She said to me the other day .. I thought that I would find purpose here in helping people . but now K (former roomie) tells me that these people don't like me and wish I'd leave them alone and stop talking to them, so now I can't even do that .. I can't even try to *help* people".
DH said he told his mom (but that's partly what makes him weary ... same conversations over and over and over, . that don't get any resolution and understanding and occur again and again and again) .. he told his mom "Mom don't worry with what K says, she doesn't own the place, if you want to reach out and talk to people . do it".
That is another struggle at present with her, . "what's my purpose, why am I here". Thought she was maybe going to find purpose in *helping* people there, talking to them, but then her former roomie ... trying to squelch that .. and MIL not really cognitively (as I'd be able to do) ... "screw you K .. I'm gonna do what I want, you don't own the place here".
Accd'g to DH .. the psychiatrist will be counseling with MIL some on this whole piece of "Why am I here, what's my purpose?", .. loss .. etc.
Maybe it's to be expected from someone who yes, has dementia but isn't so far gone (yet) that they don't have any capacity to conjure up thoughts of "why am I here". Maybe that piece comes later down the scale of Dementia and what that looks like.
What did life look like for you and your LO who was more *accepting* of the path forward?
What can be done about the sad plight that DH struggles with at present. Going to see his mom always, but always involves the same devolving conversation of the same questions that have no real answers .. other than "Mom .. just know you lived your life with purpose and goals . and achieved many of them . and loved and were loved, and still are .. just sit with that knowledge and let it be a comfort to you, and just take each day as it comes".
The same conversations go on, each and every time . .. and he is weary of it all, very very weary. Says he has to "push" himself to go and see her, . and now understands (though readily says he will never be that guy) how some walk away and never return to visit their LO.
All of this brought on as he and I ponder what to do with our Xmas day. We will not have YD .. (she's working) ... DD and her kids .. they are all going to her husband's folks for the day. OD .. who knows .. one never knows if she is engaged with friends for the day .. or coming this way (invitation is there, always). So it looks as though it may be just the two of us for the day.
We pondered whether to go and enjoy the Xmas lunch served and sit with MIL .. for Xmas day (no need to cook up a big spread here at home just for the two of us, and at this point I welcome not having to do so). DH .... I think he'd rather go dig a ditch than sit with his mom and the same sad plight(s) always .. and so . pondering what to do with our Xmas day and that notion .. "go and sit with your mom in her room is an option DH .. she hates the dining room .. so of course, we could order a meal for us .. and sit with her in her room .. we need to see her any way on Xmas day".
He did offer to her, on 2 different occasions that she can come here for the day (though I had my misgivings on that as any plan) .. she declined the invite both times .. stating it's too hard (I concur).
When proposed to him that we do the above .. his response was that he really would rather we just take her some of what we fix here . and a short visit . followed by his struggles he talked of . in going to visit her . and the same sad songs sung each time with no real answers .. yet same questions asked . each visit.
I don't know how or why - but he settled down. Was thankful for the people who took care of him. He was not able to read or watch movies. We thought pictures would help have conversations but he couldn't focus for long. He too wondered what his purpose was - we work all our lives and our identity is often what we do for a living.
One day shortly before he died, we were sitting together and he told me that it was good to be there and be taken care of - they helped him maintain his dignity and were kind to him. The CNA's would often chat as they worked with him. then he said that he finally had accepted that he no longer needed a purpose - that it was his time where God was just taking care of him and my dad could spend time at the window or outside just enjoying the beauty of the day or the birds at the feeder.
I'm not sure you can help someone get to that stage. Maybe your DH needs to work with the staff and find something to do during his visits. Walker her around the hallways and chat vs sitting in her room. Take her outside and comment about the day and the weather. Reminisce about some past event. I don't know, but not going when you can is cruel i think. Your DH won't be able to fix the issue but he can be there and walk with her.
She somehow got a “job” folding towels for the hairdresser, mom was thrilled with her “job”. She said you just have to make the best of it. Maybe they could find something for MIL to do to make her feel useful.
My father was never in a nursing home, but here's part of what kept him occupied and gave him a goal in his later years. At our urging, he began recording his memories of life in the 1920s and beyond: descriptions of his childhood, chores, schools attended, family and community life; memories of parents, sibling, relatives; places lived, jobs he held, interesting family, local, and national events, and whatever else came to mind.
Dad had a great memory and really enjoyed this project. He continued adding to and revising his writings until a few months before his death. I compiled them and handed out copies to each family member at his small memorial service.
Your DH's idea for Christmas sounds like a good one. I don't blame him for wanting to make it a short visit. Maybe afterward you guys can plan a special date night, just the two of you.
SIL marveled at those when she went thru things at the house, asked her mom if she'd like to have those to look back through and reminisce and her mom said no .. they would only be reminders of happier times. (SIGH)
So having her chronicle her life's history, etc .. it's been done. And apparently not anything she's much interested in perusing at this point in her life, sadly.
I already planned in an effort to steer things in a not so somber mood .. if/when we go to visit her on Xmas day .. I plan to ask her what are some of her happiest memories of Xmas's past and why, what made them so special .. and what are some of her memories of Xmas as a child . and so forth . just to get her on a "different" page, hopefully, than the whole "What is my life worth, why am I here, what's my purpose?".
I think DH could do a better job of steering conversations by asking her things about .. "when did you learn to drive, who taught you, . . did you get in any accidents .. what were you driving ... was it a stick shift?" .... "when did you learn to cook, what was the first thing you learned to cook, how did you learn ..did you like to cook, what did you like best to cook?".
Just in general . quiz her on stupid stuff we already know .. but it drives the conversation . .in a different that isn't "woe with me".
But I don't go with him all that frequently, so ... steering that conversation . .it doesn't seem to happen.