I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
One helpful therapy for what you are talking about is
"Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) is a fairly new, nontraditional type of psychotherapy. It's growing in popularity, particularly for treating post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). ... It does not rely on talk therapy or medications. Instead, EMDR uses a patient's own rapid, rhythmic eye movement."
So what do you suggest? My therapist has never mentioned that treatment for me. He says I have PTSD. I have only done talk therapy. Should I google to see who does this type of therapy? Should I ask him if he has done it. He’s an older fellow, about my age. You say this is a new therapy.
Have you heard about how successful it is? What feedback is there on it?
Thank you for your suggestion.
Since he's an older fellow, he may not know much about it. I've heard good things about it. I had a therapist who tried it on me for my trauma, but I felt like she was an armature at doing it and thus I left her and she soon left being a therapist.
This has been a sad and frustrating day. I am dealing with my husband recovering from prostrate surgery which is a difficult recovery in a number of ways. When I posted about it while I felt very stressed while he was in surgery I eventually had one reply that was so negative. I wonder if that person stopped to think that cancer is not a better alternative.
I think this site can lose credibility if it does not remain genuine. A number of events happened to me here today that were disheartening. There I am bringing Dorker's theme back.
Obviously so many have endured tremendous pain and others will still. I can't compare my own with that of many and since coming here I have realized that. I still feel deeply for all the pain and wrongs that are afflicting others. I just would hope that those here are not pretending to be who they aren't. I believe that to be the case to a small degree. If one feels that way I think there is a sense of reticence to share their stories. Hope you all have a good night.
I for one am glad the mods have left this thread alone all these years & am appreciative of Dorkers gracefulness when the thread gets hijack. And even more grateful she’s been sharing her saga for so long. It’s like a good book you can’t put down.
Really appreciate the info and your thoughtfulness.
I like that Dorker has her private little hang out. It’s sort of like Paul’s site, about his dad in the UK.
My friend used it about 15 years ago. So I know it’s been around at least that long. She was trying to decide whether or not to take an early retirement package when her company merged. She was a director and her job was her life. A BIG decision for her. Lots of anxiety. She said it really helped her. There are many who practice in NOLA.
Time for everyone here on AC to quit worrying about which day we’re all to wear pink and get back to scheming ways to hide the family farm from Medicaid, how to get paid for caring for our husbands, and just how in the hell you get a urine sample from someone with raging incontinence. And in Dorkerville - its back to shish-kabobbing SIL...
JUST KIDDING!!!
I love you all, my dorks in Dorkerville and I especially love that we don’t fight and put each other down.
And, hearing Barb will eventually be back - it’s the cherry on my sundae!
I don't have much pink in my wardrobe but I will look forward to that virtual day of solidarity!
It's happened before. If I have anything to say on Dorkerville as to needing help/advice, I just hop on and ask away. No biggie to me.
I'm glad Barb returned. I, for one, find that her sound reasoning and advice, is a wealth of help here. We need her here.
Needshelp, I'm so sorry that you feel so traumatized by all you've weathered. That's what this site is so helpful with, folks will come along with suggestions and if nothing else, words of comfort, to help you weather it. It takes time, .. lots of time .. to come out from under the fog and misery of it all. You have to allow that "time" to work through it, that's all there is to it.
I am proud to be a Dork from Dorkerville!
Rainmom WINS the "Funniest Comment on AC" award today!
Some emotions were unexpected for me all the way around. Our lives can become riddled with anxiety and depression at times, can’t it?
I had learned years ago to quiet anxiety before issues pretty well. It’s futile to worry endlessly about something that hasn’t happened yet. Here’s my thing. For a long time I held up okay during a crisis. Then I dealt with a delayed reaction and fell apart afterwards.
Then, as the crises moments began to happen frequently with mom I found that I became overwhelmed and my frustration and even anger took over. I don’t like feeling anger. I felt it robbed me of all my joy.
I felt awful that I was angry. I wasn’t angry that mom had Parkinson’s disease. She couldn’t help that. I was angry because I was so damn helpless in my situation. I was angry because it hurt me so badly watching her suffer. I hated that she suffered with this awful disease. I wanted her to be like grandma, her mom who didn’t have health issues and died simply of old age. I wanted a magic wand to wave her pain away.
To top it off, mom is a perfectionist and I always felt that she expected me to do more when I was struggling to do my best.
I found myself needing the help of a therapist.
Perhaps one of the worst situations during caregiving for me was the isolation that came with it. You know, having to stop working, not see friends, no privacy with my husband or evenings of weekends together anymore to share things we loved. Plus, simply losing time alone in my own home. It’s hard sharing a home with a parent.
The resentment and I am ashamed to say the jealousy I started to develop for those who were not caregivers. That really surprised me because I always found joy in other people’s happiness. Those unexpected feelings destroyed my peace. I did not recognize the person that was staring back in the mirror at me. At one time I was even jealous of my husband because he got to go to work, out to lunch, out of town for business trips, etc. I lost all sense of my purpose and the more I tried to convince myself that caregiving was my purpose the more upset I became. I would question if this would be my life forever. It was terrifying feeling as if life was passing me by and I was left with only the heartache of watching my mom deteriorate while being unappreciated and criticized by her and my siblings.
I finally got fed up with watching the world go by and decided to become a part of life again. I felt immense relief at first when I told mom to go to my brother’s house because I did more than my share after providing a home for her for 15 years.
I was overwhelmed with grief, sadness and emptiness after mom left. I felt lost. I was grieving for a woman that was still living.
Even though I chose no contact with mom and siblings to avoid the toxicity, I find at times I am also grieving for the healthy family that I never had in my life, not even in childhood. I wanted the stinking fairy tale.
Weird emotions started happening. I started remembering the happier times and of course there were happy times mixed in and I cry about why couldn’t those moments have lasted. You know, questioning what went wrong and why?
I don’t know if you are able to relate to any of my crap. I am trying to deal with it all. Hope my posting hasn’t been too annoying or depressing. I appreciate your compassion.
I appreciate it. Guess it’s after effects of a long ride. A ride that had tons of detours, twists and turns that changed my life forever. I am just trying to heal. I have scars from the emotional wounds but we can live with scars.
I don’t expect to be the person that I was before caregiving. I know I am dealing with PTSD. I am in therapy. The memories are hard. I am getting impatient and want to speed up the healing.
I know that I have to acknowledge my feelings but I get terrified of getting stuck. It’s hard sometimes acclimating to a life without mom. She was my whole world for so long. I guess that sounds confusing or dumb.
I am relieved and I do know that I made the right choice. I do encourage others to end toxic relationships. I know that I will work through this.
We have bumps in the road to get over. It’s dealing with the nightmares that I have had recently. I have always had recurring dreams. My therapist has told me dreams can be fierce triggers for someone with PTSD. So can those damn commercials with the life alert button.
Instantly in my mind I see my mom lying on the floor again! Calling the ambulance, ER trips, the whole bit replays in my head. I started walking out of the room when that commercial comes on.
Reading your posts here as well as the Dorker thread helps me to know and remember I am not alone or crazy lol, that there are others who are in the same boat or who have experienced similar. It's definitely a one day at a time process with good days and bad days. I'm thankful for this community here of like minded friends. Hugs, NeedHelp, I'm glad you share your journey here with us. I think Dorker is right, we just have to give time time to work through it all.
Thanks, your post makes me feel less crazy! You know what I mean? Sometimes we do need to vent and I am very grateful to this forum for allowing me to. There are other times, for my own sanity I need to create an ‘off’ switch and I will work on a project, take a walk, cook a yummy meal for dinner to share with my husband, anything to distract me.
Dorker spent a great deal of time dealing with her MIL until it became too much to continue in the same manner. I admire the strength she has had in dealing with a daughter who has had issues.
I too wished my mother had different qualities,certainly while growing up. This site has helped me appreciate certain qualities she does have. I truly feel for all of you who are dealing with parents who create such anguish. NHWM, you have dealt with so very much between your mother and siblings. I certainly understand how you would have PTSD symptoms. All I can say to you is that you deserve a great deal of credit for surviving it all and seeking therapeutic ways to help yourself. You also are so helpful to many others here with frequent responses. I hope you find ways to be good to yourself and know that you have strong survival instincts.
It helps just feeling like I can talk about it with other people that have dealt with similar situations. My mom and brothers never wanted to hear anything I had to say about important issues. Talking about trivial stuff like the whether to ‘keep peace’ in a family isn’t an authentic relationship. It gets old to be silenced for saying what needs to be said. They refused to look at the elephant in the room.
I wrote a short story - just for myself called Four Elephants in a Doll's House. It kind of helps to put it down somewhere (& out of my head).
It's *funny* isn't it when the person who doesn't stay blind, who points out the elephant is shunned or attacked instead of applauded.
Like Dorker when she was warning of the approaching tsunami hitting when MIL was at home, not coping, a fall & medical risk but SIL was still examining the tiny shells on the beach. No thanks. Just endless resistance & tiny shells. The elephant was out there surfing the giant wave in!
Absolutely! You nailed it!