I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
My Dh, an engineer who is nothing short of brilliant is FAMOUS for missing dr's appts. He makes the appt, puts it in his phone and forgets about it. I do the old fashioned way--a card and then I xfer that to the 'family calendar' that we have had in the kitchen before we even had kids! DH refuses to add his dr appts to the calendar, b/c he thinks I will then harangue him about going. He's right, I would remind him. He rarely bothers to look at his phone, so what's the point in it?
I also use my Alexa--she will remind me about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING--but after thinking for a minute, if they cannot grasp the concept of a high efficiency washer, Alexa will drive them insane. HOWEVER---you may find it to be helpful. Just tell her what alarms you want, what reminders set, and they're set. I find myself leaning too much on her! And she can add things to lists on your phone--say your dad has a drs appt at 2 on Wed. you say "Alexa, put my drs appt for 2 on Wed in my to-do file" or, my doctor's list--whatever you want.
As I am cooking, etc., I find I am low on some item and I call out "Alexa, add baking soda to my shopping list' and it's added. Then, at the store, I open my Alexa App and see what I need. She will also set an alarm for time of departure and tell you why the alarm is going off, too.
Would that just be beyond your father's scope of ability?
Maybe you just have to let go and let them fail over and over until they come to the conclusion on their own that they need more help--probably a move to a SNF or and ALF.
W/O outside help, it must be like watching toddlers navigate life. You cannot be there everyday, nor should you be.
Maybe they just have to crash and burn before they will accept that things have to change to make life liveable for them. We're watching my MIL do this--she is so frustrated that she cannot drive anymore and is slowing down to the point she's barely moving---but she is terrified my DH is going to "throw me in some disgusting NH". He honestly could NOT care less about her misery, and he has no intentions of throwing her in any NH, disgusting or nice.
Sorry about your dad's neuropathy in his hands, I have that too, from the chemo and it's annoying as all get out. Sadly, it's just a s/e from the chemo and you can't do anything about it. My handwriting, which used to be so nice, looks like chicken scratches.
And doesn't the dr call him to remind him of appts? Mine all do!
SIL is north of 60 .. and raised a family .. and somehow never really learned to cook, ever. Has zero interest in cooking. She can do a lot of other things and with the greatest of ease. So what?
So your c'giver can't cook. So what?
And perfect example of where this is all going, the direction it's going. CG has been the one to manage that confounded washing machine APPARENTLY . and doing their laundry .. it and it's confounded way of not filling sufficiently. Now CG is dismissed and of course, stepmom all up in arms over the fact the thing doesn't fill sufficiently.
WE COVERED THIS GROUND A YEAR GO .. I explained at that time, the thing is designed to not fill ... that's the way it's made, says so in the Owner Manual showed to them at the time.
Just the first of many many many problems to come, absent CG's presence there to do the things she was doing .. oh but stepmom can do it, . why throw good money after bad, she can do it. Yea right.
Stepmother's D probably knows nothing about this, right? Would stepmother call HER up and expect her to come in and solve problems?
She responded, she was aware, and also is hacked off. Her words, "mother can't even use the friggin washing machine".
Bingo. Did tell her that dad tried plying me into that scenario and that I've already visited that issue. She didn't respond any further.
No, I don't think stepmom is of the ilk to get physical with the WM .. I do however, think she is completely capable of (and likely to do so) hound the ever lovin chit out of my dad about it . .and it doesn't take a lot of hounding for him to get his ire up .. But that doesn't stop her these days. Ire be dam'd ... she'll hound and hound.
His choice, . he can go get them in a suitable living situation where laundry is a responsibility of "others" and .. find himself socially engaged elsewhere on site. Chooses not to. Have at it, ..
As to whether stepmom would summon her daughter to come help with such things. I think that stepmom does all she can to keep her daughter at arm's length or further. Her daughter too, easy to ire .. and the two of them, like oil and water .. she tries to keep her daughter away ..
I don't think for a minute that my dad summoning me w/the washing machine dilemma he's working, was her at the helm directing, "call your daughter, see what she can do", . that was more . him .. maybe thinking/hoping I'd swoop in and push some magic button on the washing machine that would find it filling to her satisfaction and more importantly get her outta his azz about it. Thought wrong.
And StepMom? Probably 'Anososgnosia' (lack of insight). Broken brain does not recognise it is broken.
But you are a professional at this now! Offer suggestions. Let him choose. His consequences.
Carer sacked & no longer cooking? OK. MOW. Supermarket pre-made frozen meals. Eat out every night. Or MOVE.
Washing machine terminal? Get fixed. Get new one. Handwash everything. Or MOVE.
Appointent management? Hire another helper. Write on calender. Ensure all know.no instructions/changes to wife. Or MOVE.
See a pattern here?
I can see frozen meals being a great option for them. But will stepmother agree? It's pretty obvious that she steers the ship in that household (especially now that your father is so frail).
I hope you can maintain your distance. Because things are going to get a whole lot worse in a very short period of time. I can see them not having food, your father missing most of his appointments, no clothes being washed, no cleaning being done...and possibly your stepmother getting into a car accident.
As to their groceries, .. sounds to me like what went on was that stepmom maybe ambling her way about, in her demented state .. and she is .. to her credit, and always has been .. very miserly .. and that has benefited them greatly through the years. But ... now .. now that they are more frail and compromised that miserly trait .. it would find her not retrieving from the grocery store, all that's needed. Forgets? Isn't capable of maintaining a list nor .. remember to grab said list on the way out the door.
Sometimes dad . .now that is a bit better, goes along and ambles with his walker, and his brain does compute .. "oh hey, need more paper towels, grab those" and they have squabbles in the grocery store, as to whether to buy a 3 pack or a jumbo pack of 24 .. as she then weighs out, "these are cheaper at _________", .. and her arguing she'll go later to __________ where they're cheaper, only she won't remember to do it.
This is where J was helpful .. she could be sent to the store with a list of what's needed and/or ... dash out to the store on a moment's notice, to go retrieve what was forgotten but is needed there.
I still maintain she has no biz driving. But I am chided for that opinion and responded to that as long as it's the well worn path (think a toy train on it's track . .it goes where the track guides it) .. as long as it's the well worn path of the places she's traversed all her life (doc offices, pharmacy, hardware store, grocery) all within about a 5 mile radius of their home . she does fine.
Yea okay.
Oh yes, I see things unraveling rapidly .. make no mistake about it.
I woke up this morning with a cross between anger .. anger that he is letting what is someone with a mentality that is so compromised, call the shots as to whether there is hired help on board. Why do that ... ??? .. because you have some mistaken notion that Dorker will pick up the slack . that and step daughter ... surely not.
He has complained in the past .. that when he is in her hands .. as to meals, for instance . he may or may not get to eat, even expressing that he is hungry. When J was there, no she was no cook, but she could at least stick a couple of pieces of bread together with some lunch meat in it .. and maybe open a can of soup and pop it in the microwave.
His wife .. .doesn't remember to do that.
And this is what he "listens" to when she barks and barks continually that help is not needed .. that she can do the things that J does. This is what he chooses to adhere and listen to. I know, I've been around and heard it myself, it's relentless . her barking about it .. without fail, never ceasing .. her barking ... I know that to be the case. So I guess he caves, sends the hired help packing and so now they stumble along.
Already showing up for doc appts that he wasn't apparently scheduled for .. and now standing there at the doc office desk . stumped . though he blames it on them . that they call him with an appt but he shows up and there is no appt. That has happened 2 x's now inside of 2 weeks.
He complains of sitting trying to sort pills into pill pack thing . and spilling them all over the floor with his neuropathy now in his hands. I don't know that J was helping with that, perhaps she was .. sounds like maybe so .. and now that too, falling thru the cracks.
Oh but she can do all that J does, why throw good money after bad, she can do it. And he listens to and adheres .. and sends the hired help packing.
I wake up this morning with a cross between anger at it all, but also . just completely weary .. really.
I think, reflect back on the day when these folks were viable and all managing on their own . .MIL as well as my own folks . and DH and I having conversation about .. "What will we do one day when they're all ailing and falling thru
falling thru the cracks . we're all that's here . none of our siblings live local . what will we do .. how in the world? And both of us looking at one another like deer caught in headlights.
And here we are, aren't we.
His mom with her constant tale of woes and the sister that blows up everything that's short of a hiccup to depth con 5. And my dad, who at least, .. at least for the last year . had the good sense to bring in hired help to manage it all, and that was enormously needed. Now that's gone by the wayside.
And yes, it's not my problem unless I let it be my problem ..
But I am not stupid, .. the phone calls in flurries of "I can't find___________, ___________ is broken, can you come take a look at it, .. ___________your mom here she just isn't fixing anything to eat here .. she can't remember what to get at the grocery store . and she just .. we're gonna have to do something about her (all while that something never comes to fruition)_______I have lost all my pills in the floor, ... can you come over and see if you can help w/that".
Yes my answer is gonna be like a broken record "Dad when .. ???... when are you going to make the move? You guys do not need to be living alone, I've said it and said it".
Just weary. Wishing I'd of long ago, moved far away . far away from being the only offspring locally here, to aging parents. One of whom .. (mine) was very absent my life, and keeps me at arm's length (where I'm very comfortable residing) as to the goings on in their world, and has for years.
The other peripheral thing ongoing in their world. Apparently a sister of stepmom's .. a sister who has her own cross to bear in her s/o that is housed in a MC unit . Alzheimer's. That sister . bought for stepmom a flip phone . cell phone.
And I guess there needs to be a crash course in it's use. I guess . dad mentions that to me, like she's anyone that can absorb any crash course in any dam thing.
I didn't even acknowledge that one . won't be attending to it. My feeling . if the sister thinks she needs a flip phone . then let the sister make some time to sit down and crash course her on it's use.
CHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just, chit chit chit!
Let us know how it goes today when you go over there to try and fix the computer. I thought of something else -- don't tell him you will fix some meals, do some wash, do some shopping, fix his pills (or whatever) if he will then discuss other living options with you.
Because he won't (just as he never took care of his paperwork as he promised -- it is well outside of the 6 months he said, yes?).
Anything you do to help them will only delay the inevitable crisis which will finally catapult them into a more appropriate living situation.
Or they can wait until the inevitable crisis, broken hip etc., puts one of them in the hospital and they both end up in whatever nursing homes have an opening, likely split up in different facilities.
How to get dad to understand this? Sometimes these stubborn old guys will listen to their doctor if not their kids.
I often think there has to be a better way, but how?? Food for thought as i age - do it early!! Get the downsized and to a continuing care place of my own choice.
Just a day to contemplate naval fuzz? I dunno. A day to kinda duck for cover, proverbially. I've done some things around here and put it off and put it off, calling him to arrange to run by there, until the day is getting later. My dad lives about 30/45 mins and a lot of traffic (if you wait til rush hour as I'm about at, this time of day) ..
I know he mentioned he has a slew of doc appts this week (valid? Who knows, he keeps showing up for doc appts and staff stupified . no appt).
In no mood today to call there and hear the rants of the "need" that he is now stumbling around in the dark, stubbing his toe on . he and her .. and having dismissed their hired help. No mood to hear it, much less put myself in the proximity to have to hear it/view it .. in person. No mood for it today. Much less call there, and try to navigate around .. "well when are your appts dad, so I can make a plan as to what works for me, to come that way". And have him stumble and bumble trying to make sense of his world and his commitments.
Just in no mood for it today ..
So I didn't make a phone call and make any motion to head that way.
I know I won't be doing so tomorrow, as I'm watching twins grands .. DD off and about to do some things. So tomorrow isn't an option to run that way either. Maybe Friday . we'll see.
Yes, if I was in touch with his doc . I could maybe slide the word that way these folks are faltering . and you need to speak up, tell them so ..
But I'm not in touch with his physicians, don't really care to be.
It very much . very very much is a situation where I am kept in the dark, and every once in a while, a need will surface, . .via a phone call this way. Maybe even every once in a while just a check in type phone call along the lines of "well things are rocking along here, on an even keel, just ck'g in to see how your world is these days".
Remember, in the days that I was on site more, dad recooping from his long ordeal his wife not yet up to speed, she was very vocal in her demented mind that I don't need to come over there and help out . she is completely capable (she's not . and was worse in those days . ambling about in her night gown recooping from major heart surgery) oh but I wasn't needed there, .. why was he troubling me to come there . she can do it.
Never from her, a "thank you so much . you're so kind to come help us" . not any inkling of that .. Just barking that I'm kinda an intrusion there.
Soon enough things got on an even enough keel on their end, . with hired help . and I backed out . exited . and that's been the case for several months now. Until .. now hired help has been sent packing.
SHE does not want my presence there. She can do it .. just ask her.
She'll likely even bark at my being there to attend to a computer issue . and she knows zilch about computers and willingly admits it . hates em, no use for em . doesn't even wanna try. But just ask her, "well we'd figure it out eventually . you didn't need to come over here, your dad shouldn't of called you w/that .. we'd get it figured out". Yea right.
Just don't have the iron armor on at this point to go into that lion's den . and try to work on a computer issue .. much less anything else.
When the doctor sees your father, his wife comes in, too, right? Do any of these doctors ever do some quizzing about how things are at home? I suppose previously they realized he was being driven by a caregiver, or even some of the time by your stepmother.
Does your stepmother perseverate on things and ask things over and over in front of the doctor? What I'm getting at is I wonder if there's any concern over the living environment. Do doctors do that?
Stepmom refuses to allow anyone to accompany her into doc visit (her daughter has tried, repeatedly). So no, . .no questions she can't cover pretty well, on her own, no other visitors with her
Dad .. no .. generally ... he prohibits his wife from coming in for visits, as I've been told anyway.
That hasn't been the case when I've been present for several of his appts back when things were more critical. I would've . had I been asked to join and be there, and I was asked to do so, .. had I been told "no want you to wait, out in the waiting room", I'd of been quick to respond, "then why do I need to be there".
He seemed to enjoy the bene's of my sorting thru what's said and asking appropriate questions .. said as much, and thanking me later for helping to dial in and sort in on the minutia of it all, to remind him of what was said.
To my knowledge, that has not been status quo . that he is accompanied in for doc visits with anyone w/him. Yes, stepmom also there. No way in hades he was gonna get away with having me in there, and then tell her, "no you wait out here".
She was there also.
She gets very annoyed (after the fact, not in the presence of the MD or NP) .. at the questioning and asking for further explanation, etc. She gets very annoyed at that, ... and says so.
To her, .. I guess, docs are Gods and aren't to be questioned. That's what it seems like to me, . from her mindset anyway.
She has mentioned S.E.V.E.R.A.L. times to me, at my questioning and dialogue that goes on "Boy . whew! There's no way I'd get away with what you do . he'd be shsh'ing me real quick and I'd be told to go wait in the waiting room, he lets you just go on and on .. I'd never get away with that".
And yes I have responded to that, .. "I was asked to be a part of it, . if he doesn't want me here, I'll be more than glad to step aside".
And ultimately I did, step back from it all. And quite comfortable there.
My experience with her there (I've never accompanied her for any doc appt, don't intend to) .. with her there for my dad's appts . she says little to nothing. Unless, she does pipe up with a question (rare) . and usually .. it's one that has been covered ad nauseum and is kinda ... I guess .. treated with .. I saw the Oncology doc do so . kind of some annoyance, .. (maybe not aware she suffers from dementia, though I did at one point, make staff aware they should note the file accdg'ly) .. but responded to with some annoyance, as in .. "we've beat this dead horse to death . why are you asking the same questions". She rarely speaks up .. is quiet the entire time, and then as I said, after the fact, .. kind of admonishing that if it were her doing what I do .. she'd get ushered outta there fast . that my dad has N.E.V.E.R. allowed her to be present, much less speak to them on much.
I have no idea what goes on in her visits to a doc, haven't taken her, don't intend to, know that her daughter has tried, but is prohibited from going in with her, my dad the same. She probably snows the doc . they can all do that, for a little while.
I know that stepmom's mother (long since deceased) .. I don't know did she have Alzheimer's, sounds like it. Before all was said and done with her, . she no longer even knew her own daughters (and one son). She didn't know who she was, where she was, who anyone was . etc etc.
Maybe my dad won't move on .. "AL" or other setting, . as he too witnessed this decline in what was his mother in law . and maybe his thinking is .. I'd tangle with a lion before I'd go there with her, .. it'd be about as ugly. Because while she does have somewhere on the continuum, Dementia, . .she is still .. lucid enough to know where she is .. (unless hospitalized, . in which case she comes undone . or unless my dad is hospitalized, and she stays there around the clock, also causing her to come undone) .. she does . as long as she gets to stay in her home .. she knows where she is . she knows who she is . she knows who her daughter is, her sisters . me .. my brother . his wife BB .. so on.
Maybe he's waiting for the day that she becomes like her mother ultimately got to . . and there won't be any fighting a lion to get her moved.
Fool hearty . because a lot happens between this and that point .. and a lot that he is ill equipped to be able to manage for her .. he isn't well himself .. and so . managing her .. and her foibles between here and that point . will be messy and quite ugly . for him and for her ..
I do ponder though if that's his thinking .. she at least knows who she is, where she is, is mostly lucid .. and so ... til she doesn't . .. we'll muddle through. When she gets to the point she doesn't know who or where she is . then it won't be as much of a fight.
Not accounting for his own frailties are taking him further and further down . he .. barring his own calamities . may be in no position himself to even be making any decisions period .. much less wait this thing out.
But - I’m thinking your dad’s cognitive abilities have taken a hit. I mean, I thought from the beginning that he wasn’t functioning as highly as you’ve been thinking/saying.
But now? Wow! To really big waving flags for me is - the letting go of the caregiver. Regardless of what his wife is nagging - in the beginning he KNEW they needed help. If he was still firing on the same number of cylinders as he was then - he’d STILL know it and tell his wife to shut the eff up. Which you say he’s never had a problem doing.
It’s such a ramped and common thing with these failing elders - MIL
was the same - they don’t want anyone “else” in their house. I think a part of it is, they - on some level are aware - that they are slipping even more and they don’t want any witnesses.
The other flag. The screwing up with appointments. Not so much the actual screwing up - but the blaming it all on someone else. It’s an almost desperate act of self preservation. A filter of sorts but a very very transparent one - like a kid saying “it wasn’t me!’ So yeah - dads saying “I’m FINE - it’s everyone else who’s effing up!”
One thing I know for sure. The smarter the individual - the longer they can cover up their beginning dementia. BUT - when they do start to slip - to show signs - the tumble into the pit is all that much more quick. And dorker, you’ve always said your dad was smart.
I think if you’re able to be more objective about it - you’d see that it just isn’t your step mom or his reacting to her. He’s got it too.
Regardless - the only way to get them out of that house and in a more appropriate setting is to let them hit total crisis. Even if it’s chitapalooza. It’s gonna be hard to stand back and watch - we’ve all been there ourselves - but in the long run it’s the best thing to do.
Buckle up, sweetie.
I'd find it HARD not to set up Dad with the pill delivery service that has the meds already separated in the little packets. And get on the phone a couple of times a week and have them tell me what they needed in groceries, order groceries online for them and have them delivered or pick up myself. And then take advantage of Uber Eats or any of the other delivery services. All that followed by yelling and scolding by stepmom. Heck, if he'd allow you to be on the HIPPA contact list and kept you in the loop of his doctors, it would be easy to coordinate by phone to send an Uber to drive them to and from appointments.
So many ways technology can be used to make their situation a bit easier, but neither of them will allow it. So, you are now relegated to becoming a spectator and watching the awfulness of their decisions dictate their future living situation.
Rather than using the dozens of
services now available via Uber and Grubhub, grocery’s on-line and delivery etc. and/or hiring house keepers, caregivers (and keeping them) they do the exact opposite and close ranks - withdrawing. Which is actually the worst thing they can do in the effort to remain in their homes. And - actually seems to fast track them into nursing homes.
They don't really want help. They are stuck in 20 years ago when they could manage and you weren't a part of their lives.
FF 20 or so years and terrible lack of planning has landed them with far more than they can handle. And I don't CARE if SMIL can 'drive within a 5 mile radius" she has not business driving anywhere!! So glad both our moms quit driving. My MIL must be using a delivery system or SIL, I don't know, but she isn't taking herself to the grocery store and DH sure isn't offering.
Your dad's adamant denial that he is capable of making mistakes is just irritating. Maybe you could ask the drs offices to call them early the morning of appts, I'm sure they can do that.
A cautionary tale of not planning. Nothing you can do.
I'm still trying to brainstorm ways to convince Dad to move. Perhaps tell him it's for Stepmom "to enjoy retirement with less housework" or, to get her settled safely "in case something happens to him"?
"Your order is ready Sir/Madam : One Medicare funded emergency NH bed in a shared room anywhere in this town coming up".
"Oh you didn't plan that? Yes, I'm afraid you did".
If the answer was, “We’ll see.” I already knew that was an automatic no! It was a stall tactic, right? Not a very good stall tactic either because kids will keep asking, am I right?
Your description of medical appointments... doctors spawn endless referrals.. so true! LOL
The rest gives me flashbacks to when I was medical appointment lackey for my sister. Shudder.
I need a cup of tea & a lie down now.
I came home from work yesterday, and within 5 mins or so there was a fire truck, ambulance and EMS SUV at the house next door. A 92-year-old widow lives there by herself -- none of her three remaining kids are local. She was brought to one of the local hospitals with shortness of breath. She's someone who's stubbornly refused to downsize from that big house (and at some point it was reverse-mortgaged). I wonder if this is the beginning of the end of living there for her?
I was saying it would be hard for ME not to do it for my parents because I love the convenience of modern technology and I'm one of those people who wants to help, then finds myself chin-deep in chit!
But like Dorker, I KNOW that if/when that day comes, the thing to do is stand back (if my parents are stubborn, paranoid and uncooperative as most elderly people are) and let the drama unfold. Also, my parents live out in the country and my mother hoards and is IN LOVE with her "treasures."
Depending on where the transport van is, and other residents' needs to be dropped off and picked up, the wait can be quite lengthy and upsetting to the senior.
Although a family member usually drove our parents to appointments, a few times we utilized the facility's van to accompany them when they were using power chairs. On one occasion, Mom and I waited an hour and a half to be picked up after her appointment, which caused her a lot of anxiety and aggravation.
I know (and agree) your involvement in your Dad's situation should be limited, but just want to make you aware AL will solve problems, but prepare to hear complaints about medical transportation. And if you're involved with helping to select an AL for them, check to ensure the facility will transport them to all their doctors -- there's a maximum driving distance each AL will accommodate. And appointments may be limited to certain days if the same van is used for other purposes.
As others have suggested, let the doctor be the bad guy who tells them it's time to move to AL.
Cabulance or other non-emergency medical vans might be a good option if the Assisted Living or Memory Care's transportation doesn't work out. They are pricey but safe and will escort the person all the way into and from the doctor's office so they don't get lost, assist with wheelchairs or walkers, hand their paperwork to the receptionist and check them in, etc. The doctor's office calls when the appointment is over and the driver meets them again in the doctor's office. Once home home they can help the person get inside if needed.
So when our LO's Assisted Living van is full, the social worker there schedules a cabulance for them that day. It's expensive (about $100 round trip) but our LO can afford it. We think it's worth every penny, we have found them extremely helpful!