I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I know he fixates on things ... and inordinate amount. Old man chit .. as they say .. or some bit of cognitive issue at the root of it, who can can say.
I know some months back when I'd transported him to his PCP for a visit .. he was first and foremost ... (it had already been explained to him, inpatient) that he would need to be on Eliquis .. for his Afib. The reasons why, etc.
So here we are at the PCP and that dead horse getting another lashing in his questioning of the need to be on it. The PCP explaining to him . meds are always gonna be your choice, nobody is gonna "MAKE" you take anything you don't want to take .. but here's the downside of not doing so when you have Afib and we've had enough occurrences and tests .. Afib is .. at issue here, . . and so here's what you're risking in not doing so.
Got the sense the doc having already pronounced time of death as to this dead horse, .. was really annoyed at having to beat the dead horse again. Understandable.
Same doc btw, rx's his cholesterol med, and BP med .. doc is double boarded in cardio and general practice. Sees the same doc for cardio issues as well as wellness, etc.
So . then fast forward to time to leave that office, and the doc indicates he wishes to see him again in six months. Dad had already expressed to me the .. what is to him .. absolute maddening experience there, in trying to schedule a follow up appt there at that setting. This doc office, seems to only work in 3 months out or so increments. You want an appt six months from now, .. we'll call you, don't call us. That sorta thing. He fixates on that, as such a big problem .. really really does, it bothers him . more than it should.
Some of life's frustrations .. we just have to take the lumps cuz ya can't fight city hall and he used to know that .. but this one he seems to fixate on .. as a bigger issue than it needs to be.
He'd already cautioned and lamented .. "oh boy . so here we go . he wants to see me in six months .. I'll go tell em at the front desk and it'll be don't call us, we'll call you, that chit pizzes me off".
I offered to try to cut thru the minutia and see if I couldn't get it done (as I'd done with a lot of "stuff" as to his recent hospital stay and much that went on) . and so I set about to do that.
Got nowhere. Don't call us, we'll call you . no .. they don't make appts that far out in advance, they'll call us. Got nowhere with them.
Told my dad so.
So then fast forward a few months . and they begin trying to ring him up to get said appt on the docket there.
I guess he thought *I'll show them, I won't answer the phone . they wanna play games with me and my time, screw them* .. and so .. repeated attempts on their part, . to reach him to schedule said appt . and no dice . couldn't reach him.
Only in the end, . a trip to the pharmacy to refill a rx .. got denied .. doc won't refill without you schedule an appt for a visit there.
As the saying goes, "you might win the battle, but they'll win the war". Same applies here. He thought he'd be crafty and "show them" who's boss. Guess he lost didn't he. So he then did have to, yes, play their game. And go ahead and call them to get an appt on the schedule, in order to get his rx's filled.
That's kinda how it works . ya know dad .. we don't all have to like it, . but .. it's kinda how it goes.
There was a time that he knew that .. and .. maybe didn't like it all, not even then . but maybe more adept in those days at keeping up with what appts are needed and when . and when they're scheduled, etc etc.
He fixates . on the fact that he is forever being contacted, be that by PT . as to some appt . be that the lab as to some appt . be that a doc office, as to some appt .. so on and so forth . and forever, . .I guess he bi&ches .. that he has to keep up
that he has to try to keep up with all these appts . for he and for his wife . and the scheduling of same .. (I can see that it gets to be problematic for old people . trying to navigate a schedule of . oh you wanna see me on "x" date . well I can't come on "x" date my wife has an appt that day . how about "y" date, can I come on "y" date . and they . no the doc will be out of town at that time, why don't we shoot for "z" date . and "no .. I have an appt with another doc on "y" . I can see that it gets to be cumbersome .. I can concede .. it does).
So they are forever, offering him (his appts are all under the umbrella of a specific healthcare system of docs and hospitals, etc) .. "we have an app for that, . you can download the app to your phone and you can get on and schedule what works for you".
That .. that one particular point that is continually drilled as he talks to whomever, as to staff in whatever field of specialty . that particular one sends him to the moon .. and beyond in anger.
As he puts it, "I don't have a dam smartphone, don't want one . wouldn't know how to use one if I did .. and I DON'T CARE TO LEARN AT THIS STAGE OF MY LIFE". That one makes his blood boil. To be continually told by some as he would put it, "friendly little clerk" .. "oh we have an app for that". Nothing makes him zoom from 0 to 100 mph of PIZZED .. faster.
And I've told him .. "Dad .. if you can think of it in terms of . there are probably some higher ups somewhere directing little friendly clerk to push that app on folks .. the less time they have to pay folks to staff phones . for an issue that can be .. by some . easily managed via an app . then bottom line there .... they are looking at the bottom line, they'd probably like to not have to pay folks to staff phones to do so .. it's probably some higher up pencil pushers that decided that is a good approach .. that's all there is to it . and so these folks are pushed to offer that".
Doesn't matter, he fixates and blood boils over it.
That and ... the robo calls . and the phone trees one now encounters in today's world .. can't talk to a dam human as he puts it. And yes, he's right. Doesn't matter where you call anymore, you have to go thru a phone tree, to actually reach a human .. and .. some of those times, the ultimate result is not a human but a voice mail "you have reached the desk of ____________ I am away from my office, . please leave a message and I will return the call".
He fixates on these things . and .. to the point that it .. really . in the end . go fight city hall . you won't win .. e.v.e.r. ... it's the way the world works these days .. so go with it, .. aggravating as h377 yea .. but . it is what it is .. so go with it.
That and the robo calls .. get a call from a robot ... some robot voice, .. "we are calling to confirm your appt for "X" date .. push 1 to accept and indicate you will keep the appt, push 2 to cancel the appt".
You push 2 .. thinking .. "ok, I can't make that appt .. and I'll talk to someone to reschedule it".
Nope you push 2 and you get a recording "we have successfully cancelled your appt for "x" date . you will need to contact your doctor's office to reschedule the appt" .. and so then you go to do so . and then encounter that confounded phone tree ..
It's all maddening to him . .absolutely over the top maddening to the point he fixates .. overly on it all.
It is what it is ... you're not gonna change it . get mad all ya want .. it is what it is.
I know one time he got overly befuddled and upset .. the doc office to have called in several rx's. I went to retrieve said rx's and one of them not there .. hadn't been called in apparently . and so I called the doc's office on his behalf (this is all back when I was front and center to their crises situation) . .and I too encountered that phone tree ... and worked w/in the confines of that to reach the desk of whatever
whatever staff member it is that handles rx's .. and only to get voice mail, . I left a message . and asked for a return phone call as to what happened to prescription for "so and so drug" it wasn't there, they didn't have the order for it.
What happened in the end, . the drug store called, .. robo call of course, .. "you have prescriptions for pick up at so and so pharmacy" .. dad then calling me .. "they're calling me that I have more rx's to pick up .. I thought that's what you did when you went and got my drugs"
me: "Yea dad, I did . but remember they didn't have so and so drug, . I had to call your doc . that's probably the missing drug, they've probably called in the order for that one and it's now ready for pick up".
him: "Well wouldn't ya think they'd let us know that ... that they've called it in now .. "
me: yea that'd be nice .. but .. all it takes is a simple phone call to the pharmacy . ask them what is it that's ready for pick up .. I'll bet that's it .. probably that drug . I'll call them.
Did so .. and yes, .. even calling the pharmacy . "our pharmacy technicians are all assisting other customers at the moment, please remain on hold, and we'll get o you ask soon as we can" . a recording . and I did so . and yes, that was what it was ..
I think in some cases these older folks are living back in the 50's and 60's . .when all this technology of voice mail, and recordings and robo calls . and apps and the like didn't even exist. You call somewhere and a dam human answers the phone ... and for them . this whole new world (it's not new .. it's just they haven't had to deal in it all, daily .. until they got old and frail and need doc visits and lab appts, and drugs and procedures and tests) .. it's not new . it's been around probably since the 70's and there forward .. but new . and confounding to them.
But yes, he overly fixates on it all, the frustration of it all. To the point his fixating on it, .. makes me wanna pull my hair out, just as his frustration with it all makes him wanna pull his hair out.
Not real motivated to get in the middle of it all for him . particularly when I'm not even anyone that is on his "call list" as to his docs ... don't know that I'd want that anyway.
But no . the logistics of it all, "oh hey dad . they called and needed to reschedule your appt for "x" procedure .. so .. they need to know if it's alright if they move you to "y" date"
And him now digging out .. and trying to sort thru .. (a problem in and of itself .. as he gets so befuddled) .. between he and his wife's various appts .. and him "no . I can't do it on "y", stepmom has to be at __________ on that date ... no .. tell them they'll have to choose something different".
So then I call back thru that phone tree, get a human .. finally .. and tell them "y" doesn't work for them . let's try another date . they propose another date, . I call him back . and then schedule it, that works . only for him to call me that some other doc has moved things around and now that is a problem can I call and get that moved.
No thank you!
Or calling for grocery delivery for them.
That assumes that someone on their end has the wherewithal to write down "oh gee, just used the last banana, need more", "oh I just used the last slice of bread" on and on it goes.
Nope. He struggles to write anymore .. neuropathy in his hands a real problem .. that is likely . won't get better.
Her .. her memory is so shot .. she isn't gonna note any thing!
Ya'll I went this route (unfortunately for him) in the propping up of MIL .. call her, when she lived at home . get her to drag out the supposed list she'd made for "need" at the grocery ..
First problem would be in her slow slow as molasses ability to go hunt down where was the list. Then next would be her ability even read what she'd written there . her own hand writing . and then she'd read off to me . what she had there
Ask her while on the phone, "ok, so that's it, you don't need anything from the bank, or the pet store, .. or the pharmacy . that's all you need".
Yep, she was good . that's all she needs.
Only to the next day "ya know, I should've told you I need also __________ could you run by Walgreens and get __________", nevermind that I'd just been the day before, to get her things from the grocery.
That's how it goes with the old and infirm living on their own when they shouldn't any longer. It goes on far too frequently. I've ridden that train wreck before. Maybe if I hadn't .. I wouldn't know, and would stumble upon it all in trying to assist my dad. But unfortunately for him ... I know what the train wreck looks like, been in a few of em.
Just this morning a great example...
I have summoned DD to go with me, to help . with computer problems at his end .. I know "some" as to computers . she knows more . .(she's not a techie either, but is more knowledgeable than I am).
She won't be available to go there, kid-free .. until tomorrow . .and so I put in a call to my dad this morning .. "hey dad wanted to get w/you on getting by there to fix that computer issue . I know you mentioned you have an appt today with oncology and so wanted to catch you before you head out".
Him: "No, .. I think that appt is next Friday".
me: "Oh I thought you said, . you had a slew of appts this week between a CT scan, lab work, oncology .. PT . so forth".
Him: "What day is this . oh this is Friday yes .. no . PT already came this week .. I called oncology yesterday and it turns out my appt is next week not today .. and so what's tomorrow . tomorrow is Sunday right?
Me: "No tomorrow is Saturday"
Him: "oh that's right . ok, yes Saturday will be fine for you to come over, I'd appreciate it".
((And yes, I did buy him and had it shipped there, one of those newfound clocks for elderly . big bright LED display . .of day of the week, .. morning/afternoon/evening, time of day, etc. He seems to struggle these days with what day it is . maybe why he can't keep doc appts straight and shows up for appts that aren't scheduled .. ??..... ))). That newfound clock has apparently arrived there and sits in it's box, I guess awaiting me and DD to arrive there to plug it in (?).
No, there comes a day when the folks who are infirm and cannot manage their lives . that they need more daily assistance than can be provided by a simple off spring that can do some things .. and that day is here and has been here. He is just in firm denial of it .. and so be it, . the catastrophe that prompts it . will shove that across the meter of "go time", it's coming.
Do let us know what happens tomorrow when you and D go over there.
What is it about ole guys? My mom and stepmom are just as old and they went to a clinic "app" hands on help to learn how to use it - love it. Schedule or change appointments, renew prescriptions, learn to pick them up - all through a single app.
My FIL refuses. He rants about the train that runs through the back line of their property 2x day (yet chose to build a house 10 years ago with a railroad line on the back property). Refused to fly one morning until i repaired a small rip on an over shirt - then left the shirt in security in a huff because they were rude to them "that will show them!!!"
Where does the logic go? They just make things so much harder for themselves with the ole man chit. My MIL thinks that he knows it makes things worse but then has more to kvetch about - i kinda agree.
You are doing the right thing - holding back. The train wreck that will haul them out of that house will happen - it is unfortunate that this is how it so often works. Be stubborn as hell and never plan - then the train wreck.
Keep us updated.
She had problems with the phone for years, especially in the last year or so before she had to leave her condo. She would start getting very loud with the person on the other end of the phone (when she finally got someone on the phone), get really haughty if they had an accent, complain that there were plenty of people who didn't have a computer, etc. And of course she could hardly hear, anyway.
I got so sick of hearing her complaints over and over, back in my Dummy Daughter Driver days. Everyone else was stupid; she alone knew what was going on in the world.
My mom . she's not as good at it all, but she does stumble her way around it all . ..
My dad . my GOD . you'd think that suddenly the world began speaking Greek and expectation he operate within that confine also . even though he doesn't speak greek. It's that bad.
His wife . she retired long long ago . and did use computers at work .. (had worked at the same place all of her working career some 40 plus years) and so she had to .. go from the days of paper and pen and no such thing as a computer . to doing her work on computers and learning that. She hated them .. from day 1 . and forward and it's beyond her why anyone would pick up any computer to look at it . now that she doesn't HAVE TO crack open a computer for a work related issue ... has zero use for them . didn't like em even when her job description required the use of em. Is dam sure not gonna open one up now that she doesn't have to, and that has been about 20 years since she retired.
She wouldn't stand a snowball's chance in h377 at this point of understanding what to do . now that her mind is slipping away.
I do feel for them .. these old folks. I guess it must be about what life was like back in the horse and buggy days . and when someone wanted their buggy fixed . and yet the only ones around now were car mechanics . "why don't you just buy a car, nobody uses horse and buggy anymore, there's no one to fix em" .. same thing.
Only now, it's the technology piece of it all . the world operates now via apps and robo calls and voice mail . and the like, it's just how it is.
Just as long as you don't DO for them...
Good luck out there folks!
I heard on the news that VA NH's . .are not accepting any new admits at this time, and prohibiting visitors (?).
I'm kind of surprised there's been no word handed out, . as to the MIL site where she resides, . as to prohibiting visitors. Maybe it's coming. I don't know.
I did go and see my dad and took DD with me, and thank goodness.
They, still on that page, that the washing machine doesn't work right. DD did go out and fiddle with it some . and I guess . .the thinking is that she set it to a heavier duty load . and thus, it will fill more. (I did that, last year, didn't make a difference). So be it. Seemed to satisfy that squawk .. for now.
The laptop ... I don't know, . it's like stepping into some other realm of people that don't understand one another. Per dad, . the laptop has him locked out. Took his laptop in hand, . asked him his p/w . entered it. Yep . no entry. Tried again, no entry. He asked me to hand it to him . and there, . he did something (said he went in thru Firefox) and wahlaa, it was all accessible.
(Personally, I don't know how he got to Firefox, when the laptop itself and it's operating system .. not accessible, sans a working p/w). But okay .. whatever.
A few other thing that needed attending to while we were there, print out the 38 page owner manual from the computer, for that confounded washing machine, did that.
And the WHOLE time there . .a total of maybe an hour or so . listening to the two of them bicker and snipe at one another. HOLY JEEZE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It gets to the point you wanna then scream at both of them, "STOP IT".
So many things he gets so exasperated with her about, . and partly, it's understandable, . her brain is broken. I get it . but yelling and getting short with her, is not going to change it.
For instance, one particular thing .. they got sideways with another about (for crying out loud . let it go .. both of you) ... he'd handed me his laptop to work on it previously . and then .. asked that we print out for him the manual to the washing machine . and so . once finished w/all that, I took his laptop back to set it on the tv tray where it lives when I'm not there. I bent over, to go ahead and plug the charger back into it, so he wouldn't have to. She, now scurrying from across the room insistent, "Now I can do that, don't you worry with that". Him fussing at her, "she's right here .. she's right here, she can do it!" (meaning me, ... of course, I'm right there, the charger is a mere . bend yourself over, and retrieve the cord, plug it in . walk away) . but that one lone task among many others ... her insistent, "Now I can do that, I can do that". And him barking at her for the stupidity of her assertion.
Her insistence, to the point the two of them having words (when didn't they) ... that we didn't need to come to look at the laptop that they'd of eventually figured it out. S.H.E., .. doesn't even know what a power button is, or where it is, on a computer/laptop or any other such technological gadget, . much less any notion of "We'd of figured it out eventually" . and so this too, causing him consternation and outbursts of anger.
You just want to shout at them both, "STOP IT, BOTH OF YOU". Or insist, she be g.o.n.e. if I'm coming that way .. (and she goes nowhere when I'm there, eagle on every word said, and every action taken). It gets old, and fast, all the bickering and sniping at one another .. very old.
MY GOD. She at one point, got her wires crossed .. .there'd been some discussion that the grocery pharmacy had called, .. rx's to be picked up. She insistent she can do that, .. (fine by me, nobody asked me to do it, nor did I volunteer). Discussion as to what might there be, to be picked up ..
that gets met with some consternation on his part, . .as she then ponders what in the world it could be ..
Him pondering that it may be the refill of the prednisone he asked for (is having some bad itching and rash . result of chemo) .... and so him supposing that may be one or the item to be picked up doesn't know.
That banter goes back and forth .. her pondering what he's talking about .. and speaking audibly about it, and him getting angry as he's already said that may be what's there.
I looked over at his stack of pills bottles sitting by his side, "usually real easy to determine . take a look at what you're running out of, maybe some of it's on auto fill and they're simply letting you know there are more rx's to be picked up".
Him shaking his head .. "no .. those pill bottles, I have so much of all that chit .. I don't need anymore".
At that, not wanting to hear anymore about it, . I picked up my phone to call the pharmacy . real easy . just call em, they'll tell you what's there . and went about that action.
Her, wires crossed now . somehow in all that, she had it in her mind that I'm now gonna get it set up to "take him" to a doctor appt.
How? What? Nobody said anything about "taking" him any dam where, nor anything about a doc appt.
She now all up in arms, "No, now you don't need to take him to the doctor, I can do that ... now I can do that",
Which then caused him to blow a fuse ... "what are you talking about?!?!?!?".
Her: "Well she's on the phone there ... I thought she was getting it set up to take you to the doctor".
Him now raising his voice; "K nobody said a dam thing about any doc appt or taking me any dam where, . .D.O.N.T. WORRY ABOUT IT!".. the two of them with raised voices me trying to speak to a human at the grocery pharmacy to dial down on what's to be picked up there, and yes it was the prednisone he'd asked for.
It was really kinda funny in the end, . we'd really not been there all that long .. DD and myself, and her daughter .. and ... it was about lunch time .. and so my dad, then holding out his cc .. "Hey what's say one of ya take this cc .. go grab us all some lunch somewhere and haul it back here, it's getting to be about lunch time".
I thought when he said that, .. I don't care if they're feeding me caviar and pheasant under glass .. I am O.U.T. of here .. I don't want any dam thing offered, . I want to go.
I thought to myself, "If DD takes that bait .. extending our stay here, I will lie .. I will come up with some reason to get outta here, that we can't stay".
She nixed any of that plan herself (lying herself) .. "oh that's so nice of you, but I really have to get back to the kiddos at home .. hubby has a job he has to get to, so I don't have long, we have to go".
I got in the car to go home, DD in passenger seat, her daughter in the back seat, .. asking her, "is that true, you gotta get back quickly?".
Her: "H377 no ... let's go have lunch somewhere .. no ... I was just ready to RUN from there .. no .. I don't have to be in any hurry". GMTA. We then went to a nice little boutique place for lunch and had a nice leisurely scrumptious lunch out, as our reward for that whole fiasco.
And on the c'taker front (the c'taker who has been sent packing) . K made it a point to show me (one of the many faults they found in her, while in their employ) .. she'd had her paperwork spread out, so she said . as to her taxes and prep of same . and I guess before c'taker was dismissed from her duties there, . she'd thought it a grand/splendid idea to straighten the table of all the scattered paperwork and did so, stacking it all (likely with other paperwork not related cuz the pile was about 3 feet high) .. and so she cleared the table of all that "supposed tax" paperwork scattered about . and put it in this pile, and as K put it (stepmom) .. "so now I get to sort thru all this chit to try to find what I already had spread out to work on".
ENUF already.
Why is it ...
When I go to the doc with a suspected UTI for me . (hasn't happened in a LONG TIME) ... they ask me to pee in a cup and come back and tell me yay or nay within moments and if so, I'm sent with a rx . .antibiotic in hand, . .and I'm on my way to well.
Yet . in SNF ... suspect of UTI perhaps brewing .. and .. we are now, a week (maybe?) into trying to dial in on that, as to specimen sent out for culture. And no rx being administered til results in.
Why is that?
Are SNF's not equipped as would be a physician office, .. as to testing for such and this is the norm .. that they send out the specimen and yes . it can take days .. is that the norm?
I can totally hear the yelling and crazy because my parents do this often, and they do not even have dementia (just poor hearing and the incessant desire to aggravate each other)!
IF your dad could navigate the simple--super SIMPLE 'My Chart' that MOST drs offices are using, then you can log in (oops, probably lost him already) and see what appointments you have upcoming, leave a message for your doc or the MA, make an appointment and request refills on some meds.
I have 4 'My Charts' and the best part is that they are somehow linked to each other. I have a PetScan and my PCP knows about it and sees the results, same as the oncologist office.
And for simple (and yes, sometimes stupid) questions, I just ask them. I know you're trying to keep boundaries here--but--you could manage his chart from your house.
As I write this I realize the ridiculousness of this working for someone who acts like your dad does--but maybe that will help someone else.
Yes, there is a little learning curve and some docs never look at them, so it may still require a phone call.
You are realistic enough to know that this isn't going to get better, right? No matter what advice is sent your way, dad just isn't going to accept it.
A lot of times elderly people just want to be HEARD and they WANT to be MAD, and anything you offer as advice or help, they just blow up. Just had an incident with mother, couple days ago and it ended with her being mad at me and an innocent relative. Yet I continue to try to 'help her'...full well knowing that she never takes my advice, never really wants me to DO anything. Just keep telling her she's in the right (she's usually not)---and refuse to get involved in her dramas.
As far as the UTI specimen, it takes 2-3 days for anything to 'grow out' and if they wait too long, it's pointless. THAT I'd get on the facility about. MIL doesn't need any excuses to be sicker/crazier. I'm surprised SIL hasn't focused her laser beams on that one.
I do know that last year . when I was called to the front . as to helping dad, she indisposed as to her own health crises at the time, . taxes were at issue at that time, and there was an appt., w/some accountant that had to be rescheduled, .. so . there's that. Beyond that, I have no clue what goes on, don't wanna know.
Xena, it is maddening!
Why people get to the point that their only interaction with the s/o in their life is short snaps and yelling at one another, is beyond me.
Unfortunately, maybe for me, I do have enough insight to realize . her incessant "want/need" to hop in .. "I can do that, I can do that", it's born out of .. "she has so little control of much in her life anymore, not even her own thoughts .. and maybe some awareness of that. We all need *purpose* .. all of us ... and her *purpose* .. (being old school that she is) is my dad .. she functions (she's so old school . fixed his plate for him . even when they weren't infirm), ... he's her purpose.
My coming in there, and something so simple as *let me phone the pharmacy, we'll find out* .. I guess .. caused enough panic in her, . .that she then thought that meant (somehow) that I was carting him off to a doc appt . .. undermining her very purpose .. to see to my dad and his needs.
I get it, .. kinda unfortunate for me, maybe .. in that .. it does give me enough insight to see where this comes from.
Also though, causes me to be angry with my dad ..
His yelling and getting short with her, .. it doesn't change any of it .. n.e.v.e.r. ... so stop it. She is still gonna ask questions that have already been answered several times . .she's still gonna ask. She's still going to make statements that are not based at all, in what's being talked about. Her brain is broken.
I do know, . it must be absolutely maddening if that's your life day in and out, and your support structure .. this person w/a broken brain .. and he has never been known to be a kind gentle soul. Always quick to flare his temper. That has only gotten worse.
In a sense, I feel sorry for both of them individually. Him because he's stuck with her with a broken brain .. as his support .. and her incessant stupid questions and statements that don't stop .. and her because she's stuck with him who blows a fuse over it all, routinely (doesn't stop her though).
Seems to be such a powder keg.
I guess if he were someone with a bent towards physical abuse (he isn't, that I know of) .. this would bring that issue to a head, .. and she'd get knocked into next week and the police, and so forth ... what a mess.
You begin to see, through these kind of settings, how that sorta thing takes place and makes the evening news. Sad.
And on the MIL front ... the sadness prevails. A particularly deep dark depressing time for her (did it lift, ..??... the deep dark depression ..???...nobody gave me the memo to inform me it did). So .. the texts flying in . that she isn't getting out of bed, . not going to PT . just can't pull herself out of the funk she's in.
Psych doc been by, as has minister .. as has DH .. and the "funk" is all-encompassing.
Her AD was increased .. wknd before last . .and so whether that has time to take hold . or whether or not the dosage is enough to even make a mark on that .. remains to be seen. Not so far, surely .. as that funk has enveloped her.
Her daughter, fretting . incessantly .. that the increase in AD (has gone from 50 mg. of Zoloft to 100) ... watching her mom from afar, like a petri dish under a microscope .. for any hiccup that might mean the AD not suitable. If her mom so much as blinks too many times, and she hears about it, .. "it's the AD it's not agreeing with her".
Crazies, .. I'm surrounded by them.
While we were there, stepmom asked her if she'd stay there with them .. "You want to stay here and spend the night with us?", . .said to her, with as much love and care as you can imagine . to a 6 yo little girl.
She . holding onto her mom's shirt tail most the time there, politely declined. When we left there, she said .. "she wanted me to stay overnight there!!!!!!", almost with fear in her voice that one of us might suggest that a good idea.
She said after we'd left, "I don't stay with *old people*". I laughed, . responded: "But I'm an *old people* and you stay with me". She said, "You're not OLD . they are O.L.D.!!!!!!!, and they fight too much".
Out of the mouths of babes.
And yes, SIL is dialed in with a laser beam on the UTI issue. First it was getting them to test her for UTI . getting that in front of the right person who could then get in front of the doc to write the order. That took a couple of days to achieve . then that got done . and it was "sent" for culture. And it was said we'd know the end of last week. Only end of last week came and went . and it was said the specimen in the end, was tainted, and so no clean catch .. and had to be re-done. So that done, now sent again . and it was said the answer would be at least rudimentary like, forthcoming . .that afternoon. That was Monday. Here we are on Wednesday and thus far, still no answer.
She's on it, .. calling everyone short of the janitor .. to get answers .. and we hear it ..
That is RIDICULOUS!
We don't even have a spare bedroom, yellow or not!
No.
I love her but she is not coming to stay here. Groceries can be ordered online & delivered. If the gets ill, she will need treatment. Then YOU can go live there to nurse her & be her assistant. "Oh I couldn't do THAT I'd be at work!". Yes. And so will I. "But you...?". No.
Are all male brains programmed this way?
Don’t you love how honest children are? It’s true what you are saying. If a child only sees relatives at the holidays it really isn’t a relationship.
I adore your spunky attitude! Don’t ever change and mellow out. You wouldn’t be the same and I wouldn’t be able to giggle. Comic relief is important for all of us! Keep the laughs coming 😊.
She is back at her ALF and they are now on lock down - no visitors allowed. This is day #3. I expect she will make it maybe 5 days and then the phones of family members and my phone will BLOW UP with her wanting us to take her out of there and to her house! (None of us will do that, but she IS going to make the request with lots of tears. I know her too well).
Mom had a heart incident a few years ago, and DR said it was from stress. My sister and I are in the room, and mom says "Well, that's odd, we don't really have much stress . . . " Sis & I locked eyes and were both thinking "Have you heard how you are with each other????? It stresses us out and we just have to listen to it!! SHEESH!"
I've checked my heart rate on my fitbit before when I'm at their house and they are snipping at each other and I'm logging cardio minutes just sitting there LOL ;)
As I mentioned yesterday .. MIL in the pits at present of deep dark despair. It's always a haze of darkness, this despair she feels .. but now, ,.. for this time period (for whatever the basis) it's a lights out, complete darkness .. the despair she's in.
I don't know, . anything in particular, nothing at all ... I don't know. But I do know it's getting a lot of airplay.
SIL working it from afar, trying to be of encouragement to her mom .. wishing she could be more present and daily a part of her mom's life .. and helping . or trying to, via phone ...
Psych therapist coming for his 2 x's weekly talk therapy sessions, minister coming 2 x's weekly .. DH .. going with more frequency, finding in his mom the sadness and despair that is prevalent. Yes, the AD was increased just over a week ago, . .. hasn't had time to move to it's full efficacy at this point .. (if that'll even prove to be the magic resource to improve things, remains to be seen anyway).
But now, .. I guess M (SIL's daughter) .. M .. who was instrumental in helping her mom, the realist that M is ... to come to terms that MIL needs to be in a facility for more help than SIL can provide . helping her mom work through that piece a year ago.
M, in touch with MIL . via phone calls .. and the realization on M's part of just how despondent and sad her granny is, now asserts the following to her mom:
"I just think, ya know, every time I talk to her she's so sad .. she even told me .. granny said she's ready to move up here . to a site up here, .. she misses her doggie .. she could at least see her doggie more often . .and she doesn't care now, .. the whole climate thing ... granny says that doesn't even concern her, she's ready to be moved up here closer to us in IL .. .mom you need to, I mean .. she's' so sad .. and hates where she is, you need to go to work, finding somewhere suitable for her here".
And then all this further dialogue wherein .. SIL's daughter M, who isn't here on site, and doesn't know (just not that engaged) ... M asserts that an ALF needs to be found for her granny .. and up in IL where they all live. Says that granny tells her shes' up on a walker now (yea, with a gait belt and staff assisting, did MIL tell ya that part, no .. didn't think so).
M, .. her mother in law, . recently placed in an all encompassing site, in her own apartment there (with a'la carte add ons as to services needed) has dementia . and so .. had to leave her home .. for placement, ... sounds like an ALF .. that portion of said site, that will one day move to memory care .. and other more needed services as that mother in law move to that as her need. And it sounds like it's a fairly nice place (the mother in law is self pay at this site, . not Medicaid as is MIL here).
M now pushing her mom (SIL) to call the site where her mother in law now resides there in IL, .. (nicer it sounds like) ... and see what can be done, .. to get MIL moved ..
Happened to be on the phone with SIL when this dialogue was ongoing between she and M ... and could hear M's sentiments on it all.
M soon had to run, and so their dialogue was finished. SIL now talking to me, on the phone and saying: "I don't know, ... she seems to think mother would be happier in a setting up here .. that she's so miserable there .. and so it has to be looked into ... I'm not really convinced that moving her will find in her *happiness* in any setting, . not really .. I think that's just part of her personality now, . to be so sad ... ".
Me, talking to SIL (M now not part of the conversation having departed) .. "My thoughts .. MIL isn't going to be happy anywhere .. she is in a site where she is cared for, .. the place is safe, it's clean .. her meds are dispensed, . she gets PT, talk therapy, .. hydration/nutrition seen to, . help with bathing .. the downside is that she is among the slumpers ...
THAT is the crux of it .. but that's going to be the case no matter the setting .. because of her needs. She isn't ALF material . she doesn't hydrate on her own, and eat on her own .. she doesn't manage time to be able to go to any dining room for her meals . and ALF .. they aren't going to consistently bring her food tray to her room . that's not how ALF is set up . .she'd be required to be participatory . and manage time . .and .. she needs so many add ons as to the services she needs, . that SNF fits the bill more so for her, . and in any SNF . she's gonna be exposed to the slumpers .. therein lies the problem. Is M aware .. that MIL .. she forgets .. how things got here, . that she doesn't remember all the EMS visits to her house, the hospitalizations . the not eating, hydrating . the falls .. all of it that lead to all this .. does M have any realization at all, that is a factor in all this . and that NO . .MIL is not up and walking all over the place on her walker, . she does so via PT . as part of that program .. with a gait belt and staff assistance . does M realize all this . she's not really ALF material . she is more suited for SNF .. ".
SIL obviously pretty bewildered and .. herself . kinda maybe a bit disturbed at any notion of the logistics it would take, . .not to mention whether or not it would even prove in any way helpful .. to somehow move her now to a site in IL said the following in response: "No, .. M needs to hear all this .. she talks to her granny on the phone . and yea .. I hate it that mother is so sad . that we all have to feel so bad she's sad all the time .. I hate all that .. I wish it could be different, but I'm not convinced that a *move* is gonna be the fix for that .. I'm not .. and M .. she needs to hear all the reality of it all, to her it's just write a check and get it all done ... mother doesn't have the resources for self pay .. and .. so that limits where she can go .. mother is not as *able/capable* as is M's mother in law, who was recently sent to ALF apartment ... she maybe isn't as aware of mother's limitations and all the need . that it's not as simple as find her a cute little apartment of her own . her needs are too varied .. ".
Me to SIL in response (tongue in cheek): "Sounds like a great plan . why don't you put M on it, . tell her if she's so sad that her granny is so distraught . then she should do that .. yes .. find her the site that you think suitable and figure out the logistics of it all ... and that sounds great .. let her do it".
This should all prove pretty interesting.
So what will SIL do . . .SIL who spins 40 plates at once, in the endeavor of her mom's happiness and beyond .. what will she do? Will she now go to work, . to bring her there, to a site there in IL? Will she now do the leg work, to begin that endeavor ... or will she squelch her mom .. with a notion of "Mom . it ain't gonna get any better .. so .. make the best of it". What will she do?
SIL's' words: "I hate it that I'm not able to be a daily presence in her life and be more present and helpful to her, .. B (SIL's husband) says though that it's probably for the best . mother is in FL and I'm in IL . that I'd work myself to death if she was right here at my elbow".
Me: "I agree with B . .and at least IMO .. it's incumbent upon MIL to acclimate to her life as it is now . and not at the hands of a daughter that is at her elbow to do all the living and breathing for her .. she needs to better acclimate to life as it is for her now, in the setting where she is . and not .. with a daughter who lives and breathes for her, to her own detriment doing so"
Told DH of this newest twist ..and his only take was: "That's what we tried to tell her when she was in IL .. the climate schlimate .. who cares . it's not like they're gonna park you outside mother . in a snowbank ... who cares about the dam climate .. but no .. she had to be here in FL . well now she's not happy here ..
he goes on saying: "She is . she's just really really depressed right now .. I sat there yesterday with her, holding her hand . and letting her lay her head on my shoulder and weep .. and it's sad .. it all is . it's just sad .. she feels like that me and sister brought here there, dumped her at the curb there, to die . waiting for her to die . and really . that's it . that's about it, . yea .. we didn't dump her at the curb there .. and we do all we can . but .. yea . waiting for her to die . what else is there .. I mean .. she's miserable .. and we can't fix that".
SIGH
I'm over here like, .. ya know ... it comes to mind . as to your cousin that had to bring her dad from FL to TN where she lives, . and they had him in their residence for about a year, til it became evident he too needed placment in an ALF nearby there in TN and they did that, . he then .. barking that he wants to go back to FL .. and she finally told him . "ok dad . I moved ya the first time, got it all done . you wanna go back to FL ... have at it, get it done, not doing it again", . .and from there that issue was put to bed . maybe you two need to put those same screws to your mom .. ok, you said you wanted to be in FL . we got that done . next one's on you . you wanna move to IL . .get it done .. let us know when you get here".
The cousin's dad . had far more wherewithal .. financial mean and otherwise, to have gotten it done .. but .. obviously didn't do so . as he remains . as we speak in ALF (w/increasing add ons for assistance as to his increasing need) in TN ... and has not moved back to FL.
MIL wouldn't stand a prayer of being able to even begin to travel that road as to how to make it happen . .as to any move to IL. Not a prayer.