I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
So this morning .. as I coughed my head off all night long .. (no . no fever ever in any of this) .. I thought .. let me go ahead and do the teladoc thing . .at least I can rule out that I'm someone who needs to be screened for this whole Corona virus thing . .
I knew from previous experience that's who my insurance contracts with for telephonic virtual office visits where applicable.
Did that .. sat on hold for two plus hours, . .and finally gave up. Called my doc office, .. figuring .. "look I have none of the risk factors, I haven't traveled, .. haven't knowingly been around anyone positive for this issue .. don't have any of the immuno-compromises others do ... I just have a nasty horrible cough .. and .. some headache, some intermittent fleeting nausea and some diahrea, . no fever .. ever .. do you want me to continue with OTC and fluids and rest".
Figured I'd get that from the doc ofc, just call em. Nope . anyone calling with respiratory issues . is being funneled thru a telephonic svc they contract with, not seeing patients at all (I didn't ask to be seen, I asked to just consult) .. but nope . have to be funneled thru the telephonic virtual visit . .and no .. I somehow missed the memo . not the service I tried above, but a different one.
So download that app to my phone and register with all the pertinent info and two plus hours now . on hold .. still . .with that new app .. and nothing yet.
All I have to say at this point is ... folks who are gravely ill .. and I'm not one of them .. are in dire straits in all this .. if this is the best we can do.
Unreal! Frustrating.
I keep getting asked, by those that live with me . .. "are you sure it's not that Corona Virus . .maybe you better check w/the doc" ... I have a cough . indeed I do, a nasty one . and so going out anywhere, like to the grocery store, you get the God awful stares of someone that maybe is infecting the whole of the populace there .. so I simply want to rule out that I need to be seen further . and this is what I'm encountering .. and no ... I have no desire to go to any Urgent Care or ER . .it's not necessary .. I'm not that sick ..
So I guess .. I just .. tell those that inquire .. "are you sure?" .. I guess I just answer, .. "no .. I'm not sure .. I can't get any answers . .chances it's anything serious pretty slim to nil . but I can't get any answers".
How frustrating .. but at least I'm not gravely ill like so many . and for that I'll just be grateful
I am very glad to hear that you are not feeling very unwell.
Do not go out. Do not go to any urgent treatment center or similar setting. Stay at home. As long as you feel no worse, take good basic nursing care of yourself - paracetamol for your fever, any other symptom-relievers that you personally find helpful.
But what in the name of heaven makes you so confident that your very nasty cough must be unrelated to Covid-19?
Look up the spread of the virus in your state, there will be live data feeds online. If by now you haven't met anyone who hasn't met anyone who hasn't met anyone who has been exposed to the virus, I will be quite surprised.
Please take this seriously. Staying at home when you have the symptoms you describe is not hysterical panic, it is basic common sense. If you do begin to feel very much worse, you will need somebody to call for help for you - do NOT go in search of it, stay at home.
PS - by the way, I did notice you said no, no fever - how have you checked that? Are you taking any medications for any condition? Fevers can be masked by all sorts of things.
I would like to go out and in a likely hopeless pursuit of some Clorox wipes or Lysol wipes . and some hand sanitizer (yea me and a million other people) ... but I don't dare go out anywhere . that death stare one gets when they let lose with a coughing fit as I'm prone for these days.
And no, I don't know anyone that knows anyone (that I know of anyway) that has been dx'd with this .. not so far, thankfully.
I actually feel okay for the most part, unless I get up to doing things .. as long as I relax and take it easy .. I feel pretty okay ..
The folks I've seen on the news (my only exposure to what it must be like to have this virus) . they are far worse off than I've felt thru all of this ..
Look at the pyramid. A substantial proportion of people infected with this virus will experience mild or unnoticeable effects.
This is what exponential growth looks like:
2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128, 256, 512, 1024, 2048, 4096, 8192, 16384.
That's from 1 person meeting 1 other person, after 14 days. How many people have flown into your state in the last three weeks?
Of course it doesn't work like that, for lots of reasons, including that at least some of the contacts will be between people who are already infected. But don't forget how fast numbers get BIG.
That teleline. Just as I feared. How to get the advice you need when you need it. And the queues for the screening clinic I'm sure are as long there as here.
Statistics probably mean some of our little forum world will contract the dreaded Cov. If you are the first Dorker, may it be mild🙏. Kick it off & then give us all hope 🕊️
Today was the 1st day I actually did anything productive.
Still a cough ... not unusual, coughs tend to linger, especially with the congestion of allergies.
But I do feel better.
I woke up this morning and my first thought was “It’s real. This chit is real”. My second thought was “ another day of hand washing, anxiety and fear.”
And, I know - I KNOW- I am so much more fortunate that thousands and thousands of others. Which just leads me to feeling guilty and stupid and my current mental state.
Hubby’s been living in the basement for several days now. He was exposed at work - which we weren’t notified about until AFTER sitting down to our once a week family dinner (only time hubbys and Rainmans schedule lines up). AND - get this - it was four days after he was exposed. Thank you, so much HR department. I’m gonna let him upstairs tomorrow, I think. He’s not showing any signs and temps been normal. Plus - we were all exposed in the four day not notified period as it is.
I have to say - this is really, really getting to me. I’m beyond depressed and can’t seem to shake it off like I usually do in other times of stress.
Sorry. Debbie Downer here.
But, hey - looking in the bright side - I haven’t really thought about my mother much in days!
I think we ALL are getting anxious and a little batty about this.
I AM immunocompromised due to the chemo last year--and people are staying away from me in droves (the cancer scared many people away, believe it or not!)
But I am going to grocery store in a few minutes and keeping my distance. Our state is pretty low in numbers of COVID 19 and I have not been exposed.
Dorker--the hospitals here in Utah have drive through COVID 19 testing--you don't even get out of your car--just pull up and stick out your arm. The healthcare workers at the hospital I saw last week were head to toe covered in HAZMAT type suits. And they changed gloves after every single blood draw.
Do you have a similar setup somewhere near you? We were a little past the curve of lockdown and so we're now seeing more cases each day.
For peace of mind--I'd seek one of these places out. I bet you do have them. If you're patient enough to wait out a 2 hr phone call, you could wait in line for a blood test!
Good luck, Rainmom. Hopefully nothing will come of your hubby's exposure.
I'm betting that will change as more testing kits become available. Hope so.
Not going stir crazy .. not yet. For me, maybe that's because last week when I was kinda stuck at home, it was because I wasn't feeling so good . and so .. wouldn't of been out and about anyway.
Been interesting to me to note this is one of those historical markers that our grandkids will be able to tell their grandkids one day. Like we can all remember where we were and what we were doing ... 9/11 for instance, .... this will be a marker for them .. they'll always remember.
I'm glad to hear you are feeling better.
As I was wallowing in my depressed state I was thinking I was glad my parents weren’t alive to experience this...
But then I got to thinking - working backwards - they had:
The Vietnam War
The Korean War
World War II
Hitler/Holocaust
The Great Depression
Their patents:
The Great Depression
The Polio Epidemic
The “Spanish” Flu
World War I
Encephalitis lethargica Pandemic
Their parents:
The Civil War
Cholera
Typhus
Small Pox
...and so on and so on. Mixed amongst this all were various epic fires - New York, Chicago, San Francisco and weather/natural disasters such as the SanFrancisco earthquake of 1907 or 1906 - can’t recall which - but you get my drift.
We are currently experiencing a hardship that is certainly epic and shocking to what is our own cushy lives. But - in retrospect is far from “new”. As I saw in a post somewhere - Our fathers and grandfathers left to fight hand-to hand combat wars in foreign countries, we are being ask to stay home, “Social distance” and wash our hands. And, yes - the fallout of this will be enormous in terms of unemployment and a severely damaged economy. However, I have to believe that if nothing else - our government leaders can learn from history and we will all get back up sooner rather than later. I HAVE TO believe that.
Kinda helps put this back into perspective - for me at least.
In a sense, what's going on there, is that she wants to paint the picture (accurate or not I don't know) . that all is swimmingly fine over there. Anything to keep me and whoever else she might wish would stay away ... at arm's length if not further. It's really pretty apparent that's the underpinning.
For instance, .. I asked my dad a direct question: "So how are you guys doing as to groceries, . .would it help for me to order some things for pick up on your end, you guys doing alright?".
He was beginning to answer me in this vain: "Well .. ya know ... they say us old folks don't need to be out and .."
It got interrupted by her static .. hollering from the sidelines .. "I'm not going out in this . we're not going out B . we don't need to be out in this".
Him then chiming in to correct her,.. annoyed that his convo had been interrupted: "K you don't even know what we're talking about here .. she was asking if we need any groceries, that she can order them for us, or help us".
Then you hear her weigh in some more: "We don't need anything B ... we have everything we need here, if we need anything I can go get it!".
He then resumes talking to me, saying the following with exasperation to his tone: "Well . no .. I guess we're all fine here .. she is all out of sorts .. and INSISTS that if we need anything she's capable of getting it".
Me responding to that: "Ok, that's good, . ya know not good for you in particular to be out among the masses".
Him then changing course to say they'd stopped and gotten a take out at some place, .. the day before, and from there the conversation went elsewhere.
The difference in all this, .. .were this a setting where the daughter's help (me) is appreciated/wanted ... I would certainly step up and perhaps even should, go putt an eyeball on the situation there, to make certain all is on the up and up.
Apparent though .. it does nothing but create friction in that world, .. thus I don't do so. And don't plan to. I will call and check in .. and if I hear of something that I might need to do, dependent upon what it is .. and whether it's anything I care to address and the friction ensuing in it . I may or may not help .. but .. doesn't seem like it's real helpful that I offer .. quite the contrary.
So be it. His bed, . he can lay in it.
Rainmom, very astute observation. I had pondered some as I hear of companies not really known for making ventilators and face masks and surgical gowns and such .. I can't help but think of the tales that I never understood, didn't live it .. of WWII .. heard by the elder generation if you ask the about it . and their tales of how all efforts in those days.. tooled towards munitions and supplies to the front lines of the war . things rationed, etc .. and yes I've heard those things . and thought . ."wow .. was that really necessary ..??...".
I didn't live it, .. so .. what do I know.
Now I see a taste of that ongoing in the current global crises . and I just find it interesting . the commonality.
YD lives with us but is an adult, still working .. works in a hospital as a CNA and actually has a Covid-19 patient. She texted me a pic of her yesterday at work (head shot) with all her garb on . it's frightening .. intimidating.
Bless all the folks that are having to soldier on through all this. And even more to the folks who have zero income now .. as this entire world shuts down. So horribly frightening.
You have 3 sets of family issues. not to mention SIL. Hope you are able to stay as same as possible
The last few days though, when any of us talk to her, it seems some of that is rearing it's head again, the woe with me and the "you know I have nothing anymore, I've lost everything" .. that is starting to crop up again in conversation with her.
I know that with SIL, I thought I'd pull my hair out at one point in this, when the issue dujour for her seemed to be that the hair salon at the NH has been closed as a result of this lockdown and so .. who will do mother's hair ..
MIL still has her hair colored (she's the only resident there with blonde hair), the rest of the residents are all white haired.
SIL having said the following: I don't know how mother will get her hair done, I know she can't get it colored, the salon is closed, . but I don't know . maybe one of the CNA's will be nice enough to put rollers in her hair for her, and set it, .. but I don't know, my guess is they are all pretty busy".
I couldn't believe it. Are you serious?
That whole debacle hasn't gotten anymore air play thankfully.
Interesting that I called MIL the other day (something I don't usually do) but SIL prompting from afar, .. "if some of you guys .. I know DH calls her, but if you guys could also call her . maybe your daughters ... she's lonely and missing family".
I did so .. I called her, just chit chat ...
So then within a day or two of that DH called his mom and the following was said by her, to DH. He was asking her, "Well I hear you talked to Dorker the other day", she said this in response: "yes . you know Dorker came here to see me but they wouldn't let her in".
This got a sideways glance from DH who was sitting her, his mom on speaker phone (he knows I didn't attempt to go there) ..
So .. confusion .. dementia . I guess. No, he didn't correct her, . no mom . she called you she didn't come there. No, he didn't say that, . didn't even let it register . just went on with the conversation.
As to my dad, .. I call/reach out, to see if I can be of any assistance. As is typical of doing so . it brings on some friction and consternation in his world, and offers declined. It's frustrating. OTOH .. I know that these are people that are over 80 yo .. and so .. .shouldn't be going out . anywhere. But .. apparent .. step mom is still doing so . if they need pharmacy if they need grocery .. so forth. And . I guess some of those times, my dad rides along in the car .. don't think he goes into any of these settings .. but .. she is still doing so . .and offers to circumvent that and help out, meet much obstinence and friction .. and so ... all I can do is offer . and then stay out of the line of fire there, . that's what I do.
Talking with her daughter, . who meets that same friction and refusal to allow that she help. She too, frustrated, but like me, .. "our hands are tied Dorker, .. all we can do is offer . they are both miserable there with each other, .. I tell your dad all the time . when you're ready for AL .. let us know, we'll make it happen . she may follow you there, or she may not . but you don't have to stay here, up to you".
So that's about the picture of that scene.
As to the g'kids ... up until this past wknd .. I was still around them.
I wasn't week before last, I was far too sick to offer any help in that arena and I just stayed here, rested, . trying to get well.
But last week, I felt better. I took the twins one morning so that their mommy could help the 6 yo with mandated homes schooling now .. since schools are closed. Then another day of the week, she needed to go to the grocery store, . and I went and watched the kids.
I did ask DD .. "are you sure you want me around .. we're all supposed to be staying away from one another".
Her answer, at that point, "Dad and my husband work together every day and they're still working and around each other .. so ... ".
But that changed .. as of this past wknd . she'd laid down the law on that .. no one around them (though my DH and her's are still working and around each other daily) ... we cannot be around the kids, til this social distancing is lifted ..
So, wont, be seeing them for the immediate future ..
Probably for the best.
Although I do worry about DD and that load ... a 6 yo home schooling and a set of twins under foot, . and no relief valve in being able to send one or more in this direction .. for a little bit.
But . what can ya do? Not much.
I love my 👩🦳 silver hair! I fought it for a long time. I dyed my hair for years! One day, I said, ‘screw it’ and I discovered that I love the silver.
I actually receive complements on the silver shade. The purple shampoo is specifically made to keep it a pure shade of silver. It’s actually salt and pepper but more salt!
It’s that ‘glamour’ era. That is how that generation is. They didn’t even go to the mailbox without lipstick on!
Lord, my mom showed up for cataract surgery with make up on! The doctor got upset with me. I had to tell her that I couldn’t get her to leave the house without her make up and that she would have to tell my mom to wash her face so she could have her surgery. The doctor told her that she refused to operate on a patient with make up on.
Good thing her ophthalmologist has a good sense of humor. When she told told her to wash her face or no surgery, mom says, “But you told me that I was being filmed!”
The doctor had to tell her that the family members in the waiting room that would be watching were only going to see her eyes. Mom finally went to the bathroom to wash her face. Hahaha 😂. Too funny, huh?
There is an old lady who lives in the neighborhood that I know that went to a new doctor and when the nurse asked her age she wouldn’t tell her. She told the nurse that it was none of her business! Hahaha, can you imagine? Oh, and this woman dyes her hair blonde too! They set their hair in rollers. They use silk pillowcases! I’m telling you. It’s the ‘glamour’ age!
meme on line when this virus nightmare was shifting gear into high. It said:
”We’re all about three weeks away
from knowing what everyone’s true hair color is”.
No doubt.
So .. she is trying talk me into letting it go gray ..
N.O.T. gonna happen ... too soon for that ... nope, whole buncha nope.
I'm sure by the time I can get this all dealt with there will be some serious gray showing .. but .. so be it, .. I'll get it colored as soon as this is over.
beyond when I have to go to the hairdresser.
Bummer
But - I'd rather have bad hair than the virus. That’s for sure!