I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I hope DD can focus on her most important priority of getting psych help on record and being sure of a good lawyer. If I was DD I would be frantic with worry about going to jail.
Consider the significant hx of mental illness evident in DH's family. And OD.
Consider getting back on to therapy, either solo or with DH. You are going to need guidance on this very fraught path. (((Hugs)))
I wouldn’t worry about any jail time - not in the middle of the Covid era. Heck - they’re letting serious offenders OUT of jail long before their sentences are up in order to avoid further and significant continued spread of infection.
Back on the subject of the other grandparents and the twins....seems to me they’ve had years of practice with the older grandchild. There’s no reason they can’t take one of the twins at a time. They aren’t obligated to obviously and you can’t force relationships but a simple solution to me, which I think the kids would like, is that they each get their own weekend or whatever with the grandparents. Two toddlers twins is a handful but they’ve handled the 6 year old for years so surely they can handle 1 toddler twin. But I think DD has bigger fish to fry at the moment anyway.
You will drive yourself completely insane wondering "why". You will never have an answer that makes sense, trust me. The human psyche is so convoluted and so very unique to each individual. Most therapists know that their patients are telling them the 'sanitized version' of their lives--until they get a clue and realize that lying to your therapist is an expensive and pointless habit.
And you have to WANT to change. Right now, both DD and SIL are feeling low, worrying about the court date, worrying about what is going to happen....as well they should!! They really probably DO want to change, but it's going to be hard!
I don't know why my kids do most of the things they do, good or bad. Sometimes, even as very successful adults, they or their spouses will be such nimrods I just shake my head. But, in the end, unless they ASK for my advice, I try not to give it.
Your SIL set your daughter up to shoplift--love of heaven, what moral pedestal is he STANDING on to be angry with her for doing what he is also doing??? No, she absolutely should not have left the kids in the car--that's what's going to be the hardest thing to 'explain' to the judge. But, methinks she will get a fine, community service and a stern warning. And I bet she never does it again.
I'm sorry for you having such a loser for a Son In Law. Actually, the 'talk' DH had with him last week was about 11 years too late in the coming. My DH sat down with all the prospective husbands and let them know he had his eye on them and they better not do ANYTHING EVER that upset or hurt his daughter. I thought it was sweet and ironic, since he pretty much ignore me completely and some of the issues my daughters have had in their marriages are ones we also have, yet he gets mad at the SIL and can't see that he does the exact same thing.
You really have no choice but to be supportive of their therapy and keeping your nose out of their business from now on. DD needs to be able to work this out with her hubby.
Sorry you'll NEVER be able to figure him out. It is what it is. A marriage that is a hot mess (quoting my 4 yo grandson who painted me a picture and when I asked him what it was, he looked at it for a long time and finally said "It is a painting that is a hot mess".) we use that phrase a lot to explain away the stuff we can't fix.
This didn't happen overnight---so it won't be fixed overnight.
HER loss.
and moved a lot....my nephew was the underdog. She felt bad for him. And I don’t blame her because there was an obvious difference in how his parents raised him and how all his cousins were being raised by their parents. On weekends we’d do things as a family. He would be dumped at my MILs because his parents were lazy.
And that'd be that. I'd dig in my heels on it.
I don't know, . doesn't seem they choose that path .. maybe because they live rent-free in a home provided by that same set of folks . and don't wanna rock that boat. Whatever. Not my boat to paddle. I don't agree with it, ... but who knows, . maybe I did things along the way raising my own kids, that my parents stood back and thought ... "dorker has rocks for brains, what is she thinking". So I stand down, .. the only time I interject into that equation is when DD makes it apparent she wants my take on it . outside of that, I don't say anything. I do me, ... and when I'm able to take the kids, I do so .. when I can't .. I don't. What goes on as to what others do .. yea it burns me up .. from the aspect there is no other relief valve ... in the other set of g'parents .. as well .. as the mere thought that the two yo's ... cry (unless secreted away for 6 yo's departure, which seems to be the ongoing approach these days). . I wouldn't have the two yo's hurt and upset, not if it's something that's fixable, and this is, fixable. So be it.
Headed over there in a bit, to watch the kids .. for DD to go to her rescheduled (missed the appt last week) psych appt . .and she has to drop off home school stuff at 6 yo's school and pick up next week's assignments, .. and some other small errands she has to run.
Asked her again yesterday to please . when she sees psych . at the appt . please ... implore them for some guidance, on how to launch that counseling . and better yet . be up front and honest and forthright with them about the environment you've been living. Told her it's my hope .. that her husband will at some point along in all this . want to dig deep himself, . as to his own issues.
Got a "yep", as reply (texting).
So .. dropping it. In the end, .. I wouldn't dig into all this with a golden shovel .. not mine to sort thru . don't want to. Whether they see it through .. and whether or not we're only getting some version of events that they are selling . and underneath it all is some other sinister issues .. I have no clue.
What one will see in ole mom here, will be a smiling face, to enjoy g'kids . when that works for me, . and any further prompting as to the whole thing . gonna slide off the radar. This is who she chose to marry and spend her life with . fraught with all the hiccups and .. seemingly some of it, serious stuff . so .. onus on her, to sort it thru, or don't.
I'm gonna move on.
As to Poochie, he's gone to the Rainbow Bridge, as of yesterday . heartbreaking really. Although we all know our pets aren't gonna live forever, it's never easy to have to say bye to them. But it was necessary. SIL was able to sorta keep her mom apprised over the last few weeks as different methods were attempted in hoping Poochie would rally and do better, and none working .. and she face-times with her mom . . a few times a week . some of that Poochie got screen time also. So MIL was able to at least be aware and see that Poochie wasn't doing well, and euthanizing may be imminent . and so .. at least she was prepared for it, .. as prepared as one can be for such things.
As to my dad .. I dunno .. he is still not completely oriented .. is better . not as bad as he was .. but still not there. He told me yesterday on the phone, "when I get back into town .. ", about something. I didn't even ask him
I didn't even ask him, "oh you're out of town?, where are you?". He isn't out of town, hes in a hospital . about 20 mins from here. That and other examples, not altogether lucid all the time.
He was to be moved yesterday, discharged, to a short term rehab sting . but that got halted ...
All his vitals are good, WBC is dropping . as infection gets knocked down, but bladder retaining urine. Unable to completely empty bladder, and has had to have foley catheter intermittently for same. Some kinda med rx'd .. forget the name of it, . something that men with enlarged prostates take .. to help with that issue ..but as of yet . still at issue, that bladder retaining urine.
They were all set yesterday to discharge to short term rehab when it got called to a halt, as they want a Urology consult. That is to occur this morning. So I guess . unless that doc requires some tests . who knows .. or not .. he'll be launched out of the hospital and into short term rehab stay.
Went over yesterday .. to pick up some clothes for when my dad arrives at Rehab .. (that's part of a rehab stay. we get dressed daily and get up and participate) .. and thus far, .. in hospital . it's just hospital gowns. Ran over to his house yesterday to have stepmom put together some pj's . some clothing .. some good sneakers .. so he will hopefully be able to get up and about, .. (not yet he can't . he can't even sit up at this point, without assistance . much less get up out of a bed . and be upright) ..
Really makes you question if he will be able to restore . to any level of functionality.
Was really really sad .. K is over there staying by herself .. and somehow not wandering off as she did that first night. She, so I hear, has tried to get into the hospital a couple of times .. .(left unattended, I guess .. she forgets) goes to hospital and is turned away and has to return home. She can't seem to grasp . that there is a Covid virus and healthcare facilities aren't open to visits .. can't seem to "get that".
I question that she should be there alone, but not my wagon to drag. I stay out of it.
Was really kind of pitiful .. her crying . she wants him home . wants him to come back home .. misses him horribly . and is scared . asking me is he going to survive this . is this going to kill him .. that she wants him home.
Me telling her, much like you'd imagine . "well his vitals are all good, .. and they will send him to rehab to get stronger, he can't be here, til he's strong enough to even help himself . with things like toileting and dressing and so forth .. he's too weak".
To more of the same from her, tearful . .. "i'm just so worried, I miss him so .. he wants to come home and I want nothing more than for him to come home.. I don't understand .. I can help him . .. I don't understand why he can't come here .. and I can help him"
To more from me, .. "right now, hes' too weak for you to help him . he has to gain some strength and that's what rehab is all about .. if they can get him stronger, he'll come home .. but gotta get that seen to",
To more . round and round and round we go .. I think I'm explaining things adequately . to a point she can make sense of it all, . but nah .. she asks the same things over and over, no matter which way I shake any explanation. It's sad .. as she tearfully pleas.
Her .. round and round on this too .. the rehab site selected .. really . in geographic terms . is a lot closer to me than to her home. I don't know why that was done that way .. and I don't care to be honest .. it's a good/safe/clean site that I'm familiar with .. and so be it. Doesn't matter if the rehab site selected is right next door to her home . she nor I, nor anyone else can visit because of Covid . but that too, round and round .. "I just don't understand why they're putting him in a rehab site so far away .. I don't know that area of town . .it will
It will be nearly impossible for me to find my way to that side of town to go visit him.
I must've told her 5 or 6 times, .. "you can't go visit .. I can't go, nobody can .. doesn't matter if it's right next door, they aren't going to let you in .. "
Covering that ground several times .. and .. doesn't compute.
On the other end, .. talking to my dad who is sometimes not so lucid . he is put out with K .. in that . she can't seem to grasp all the goings on .. and he is not much better himself at grasping the goings on . and too weak to deal with her withering dithering that goes on in her incessant phone calls to his hospital room .. and so .. he was telling me, he's not going to answer his phone going forward for the rest of the day.
What a dam mess ..I mean it .. a complete train wreck.
And . this morning I get a call from K, question as follows "I have a question for you, can you tell me what time did g'son leave last night".
That would be her, grandson . that I think I've maybe met once in the guy's 30 years .. and .. no .. I'd gone over there to get clothing to drop off for my dad . and no, there was no g'son there when I was there .. and so .. I have no info on any g'son that was there, and what time.
That g'son lives about 3 or 4 hours away. I suspect . maybe .. if even that . maybe she talked to him on the phone . but I don't even know that to be the case .. but somehow in her broken brain .. he was there. I didn't even go there, .. I only answered her, .. "I don't know, he wasn't there when I came by".
She then said "Oh I thought he was here when you were here to get your dad's clothes and you saw him".
Me: Nope . wasn't there
And with that, we moved on . her asking if I've heard anything about him being "sent home" today . and I responded, "no he won't be sent home . he'll be sent to rehab .. but no I haven't heard anything.
Dispensed with the phone call telling her I have to get going . heading to babysit for a while this morning.
whew . got out of that crazy spinning top with her.
I can go get clothes for dad ..I can . speak intelligently if staff call me .. and I do so .. and other than that, I stay on the periphery of it all, as best I can.
Stepsister . I think has found the group she'd like to engage as c'givers there .. but says they are terribly expensive. She has dug around over there and surfaced some LTC policies for K and for my dad .. and has given them to her husband to sort thru (works in insurance) . and so is trying to figure out how those policies might come into play as to in home c'giver and at what level . and offset cost of same .. and working that angle.
Hopefully .. he'll get sent to rehab today . who knows, ... maybe Urology will command some tests be done .. I don't really know, ,and he won't be sent out today. I do question . he's so weak . and so horribly compromised . if he'll even be able to regain anything resembling any strength at all, .. and whateveer this is .. with the bladder issue .. I mean if the man has to be catheterized for the rest of his days . even intermittently . what's the plan as to that .. LTC .. ??.... in home c'giver for same . or they both throw caution to the wind . and no c'giver on site . his broken brain wife insistent she can do it. I don't know . not mine to figure out.
It's all just absolutely nutz.
My in-laws were entranced with my daughter. They were only a little older when son came alone but it WAS harder having both. At 2, he threw tantrums in the shops, wouldn't eat when they wanted, he wouldn't nap when they wanted, he got overtired, he then bit people. He would rip his nappy off & once painted the walls a lovely brown.
With HIS routine & he was a happy, energentic kid. Loved the outdoors, a big feed & a big sleep. Get that right & you had an angel. But try to.fit him into someone's else's plan you got tantrum biter. They actually suggested he may be bi-polar. At 2. I said he just needs his nap. Sheesh.
Luckily they did perservere & found taking him to a playground worked for all. They were too old for the running around but could supervise, then buy treats. Win all round.
Shame on the parents for allowing it. I know it gripes DD to no end . but . she doesn't have her spineless husband's support. As example, .. the 6 yo last over at g'parents . they stop over to pick her up ... sonny boy goes in the house to retrieve the 6 yo . and apparently ..... g'ma was to be off work the next day and so the question gets asked of sonny boy "I'm going to be off work, can she stay the night" .. Guess what sonny boy answered (she'd already spent the night and was there that day) .. sonny boy answered, "Sure" .. and returned to the family car, absent the 6 yo . and explanation "they wanted her her to stay the night again".
This just this past wknd .. .and the very same wknd . that her mother in law had been asked by DD "can you keep the kids Saturday night?" and to a bunch of (as usual) excuses why "it's not a good time" ..
I agree, .. no excuse for it. But .. shame on the parents for allowing it to continue. Unfortunately .. also as a side bar to all that, . what you now see in the 6 yo .. (who in all reality has siblings . and .. as such .. usually one learns . that we don't always get what we want, when we want it). You are seeing a rather impetuous 6 yo . who pouts/tantrums, etc . when she has to "wait" and/or "get denied" the things she wants .. a trip to the park . right now . or whatever it may be . with mommy . who may or may not want to cart the kids all to the park at that hour.
I attribute some of that to being a 6 yo yes .. they can be brats .. at times. But some of it also has to be born out of .. .wknds spent exclusively at g'parents home ... and the only child in the setting . and doted upon as to her whims/wants . and absent any distractions and needs that siblings present .. in they're setting, .. creating obstacles to what 6 yo might want here, and now.
Hard to watch it all.
Was there today to watch the 6 yo and twins . all, so that DD could go to her psych appt .. and when mommy got back .. having stopped to buy a takeout for lunch .. 6 yo . who was in a mood anyway ... was displeased with what her mom got her for lunch . turned up her nose and didn't want it. Soon after began harping at her mom, wanna go to the water park . and her mom . .the priority at that hour . to get the littles down for a nap . and explaining that to the 6 yo . who then began to pout and was sent to her room. Out of her room before long, more badgering her mom . "I wanna go to the water park" .. her mom again reminding her, .. "not now" . we're going to take a nap . .not now". Stomps off pouting and grumbling ..
More of the same . until things settle a bit and then mommy tells 6 yo .. "if everybody behaves for nap time . we'll go . after nap time". Finally a smile on 6 yo's face now.
Sheesh.
As to the psych appt and how it went. I didn't ask ..
Purposely. I did "push" her yesterday . in some conversation .. "when you go to your appt on Friday .. plz . .plz . get with them . find out why there is dragging of the feet to get the therapy piece of this going . you'll be there .. be sure to get on it", further said to her, . "hopefully at some point, . sonny boy will also want to join to maybe examine some of his behaviors and learn better strategies"
Answer from her "yep".
Today when I showed up to watch kids, . she told me she does have a telephonic appt on Monday for counseling . they don't do in person . at this point, because of Covid.
I didn't ask her when she came in from the psych appt how it had gone .. I didn't ask .. .I made my suggestions yesterday . and I figure . she's not an idiot . she can figure her way forward .. I'm backing up.
At the moment, I am really aggravated. Okay so they were to move dad this afternoon . from hospital to Rehab stay site. Got a call from staff at site .. "he will need some clothing .. so if you can bring that by".
His wife wouldn't stand a prayer of finding where he is . not a prayer .
Remember she does still drive . debatable that she should be driving .. I argue she shouldn't be . but not my wheelhouse.
So I did go over there, yesterday to retrieve clothing for him. Have it in my car, .. for when they move him.
So now . they were to move him this afternoon at 5:30 .. I called Rehab site, "is it okay to bring his clothes now". Answer, .. "I would wait until he arrives here, .. I'd hate for the clothing to get put to the side, . and then misplaced, . wait until he arrives here, that way they can be taken straight to whatever room he is assigned to".
okay ..
Was to be moved at 5:30 .. I called at 6 . they didn't have him yet. Called the hospital . "oh he's gone" ..
Okay where is he, the rehab site says he's not there
Answer, . "oh they came for him (medical transport) about 20 mins ago".
So now .. I can go . I guess here in a few ...
But aggravated .. maybe I'm just tired, too dam many irons in the frickin fire.
In the interim .. before all this . that water park trip promised to 6 yo . turns out for here .. (our swimming pool). DD called, . "hey gonna just bring the kids over there to swim for a bit .. we're on our way".
She arrives here .. 3 kids and puppy..
First priority.. DD . go secure puppy somewhere . as he's hard wired for puppy play . and so go secure him in a spot where he'll light somewhere and settle . and he barks and barks .. and barks . wanting to be set free of course.
Next priority which I'd already begun to assist with . get two yo's into swimmie diapers and swimsuits and arm bubbles for swimming. Was working on girl twin . and DD returned from securing puppy to the fence outside, .. and she began with boy twin . getting him suited for swimming.
6 yo readied herself and headed for the pool
Got the twins all outfitted . now go hit the pool ... and they did. Problem is . they wanna swim . but the water is cold still . nights are cool . pool water is still chilly. They swim . .but usually no more than maybe 10 mins and are freezing and ready to get out.
DD now sitting poolside with the kids swimming . and wanted to let puppy loose from being tied off to the fence, let him run and play some . and the puppy promptly falls into the pool. Puppy can't swim yet . and hangs onto the side frantic like . DD steps over to help puppy out, who then runs from her, and rolls in the dirt under the shrubbery . .so now take puppy over to water hose . hose him off . get the dirt off of him . turn him into the screen room ... where I was .. and "somebody get me his leash . he's soaking wet, . I'll hold onto him so he doesn't get up on the furniture soaking wet" . .. she goes back to where she'd been poolside, . to get the leash . but was taking too long, as the girl twin now out of the pool shivering . .crying for a towel . "i'm freezing . I want a towel" . and I am now asking of YD . "go get me the leash" .. as I have this wet dog and no way to make him settle other than . what put him in my lap soaking wet . no thanks . ."go get me the leash" .. at that she turns to DD . with a "where's the leash" . .. DD had gone to get it but got distracted by a whining 2 yo .. cold/shivering wanting out of the pool now . and stopped to address that . and so .. YD gets the leash brings it to me, in the meantime the puppy jumps up onto the upholstered chaise lounge . and I'm "no no .. no" .. grabbing him to get him off the furniture . and at that .. DD had made her way in to snap that leash on the dog . and the 2 yo tailing her whining . wanting a towel, .. and I was going to get her a towel .
When she followed her mom . who'd left with wet dog on leash to go put him in her car
As she stomps off .. DD .. hauling wet dog on leash . towards her car, announcing loudly to her kids . "EVERYBODY OUTTA THE POOL, we're going home!"
At that 6 yo now crying .. 2 yo boy twin not listening and heeding . and me .. trying to grab 2 yo who followed her mom . .to the car, . but me unaware if her mom knew that . didn't want her to wander into the street.
2 yo twin boy still in the pool . and YD now fussing at him . "your mom said get out, get out of the pool, now!"
DD now back to get the things she'd left on the table, 2 yo twin girl secured in the car, as was wet dog . .and DD in a huff . and announcing loudly "I just wanna get the h377 outta here . I just wanna go!".
At that .. 2 yo twin boy now outta the pool . 6 yo sensing her mom has had it . stopped the whining .. and the 2 yo twin boy now making his way out to the car, . no towel. soaking wet . and freezing.
At that, . she grabbed him.. and got him in the car, and was gone. YD standing looking almost . bewildered herself . said to me, "I'm going to follow her home . .I'm afraid she's on overload or something".
And so off they went.
They were here, a total of maybe 15 mins . and it was just utter dam chaos . all resulting in unhappy exit from here . for all.
I need this why?
Just frazzled myself ..
Hands tied, as to dad's situation . yet if I don't take the clothing to him . who will? His wife . she doesn't know her way out of what is her little 2 and 3 mile circle of familiarity all of her life. Her daughter, . had it out with her yesterday (which happens frequently) and has returned to her 1st home . which is 3 or 4 hours away . and isn't coming back right now. No one else, to go retieve dad's clothing . and get it to the rehab site, . .so I got it, from the stepmom last night . have it in my car, . the rehab site is actually closest to me .. and so will drop it off . but had to wait til they got him there, which should be done by now.
Will head that way . and the mood I'm in .. I may throw it all, piece by piece by piece, in the door (can't enter any way) . and .. have them throw a net over me . and lock me up.
GAWD .. I wanted to say to DD .. but .. the situation was already complete stress and utter frustration and at the end of it's rope . "you thought it would somehow be pleasant to bring two 2 yo's here . with a puppy . and somehow you thought that was all gonna be just fun and clowns .. "
DAM!
I know exactly what you mean re: your 6 year old granddaughter and I can attest, my nephew behaved very much the same and it was the result of his age and spending every weekend with grandparents who gave him their full attention. He did not get along well with others. He did not have to follow any rules at my MILs house and he got what he wanted. It made for a rather unpleasant visit for the rest of us when we’d go over there & as usual he was there because the tantrums and outbursts were a given and my MIL allowed him to behave that way. If she ever addressed it, it was to coddle him. And on a related note, I sympathize with your DD because if her husband isn’t recognizing the problem or if he’s refusing to address it, it’s a hard battle to wage when it’s not your own parents. I didn’t have the balls to stand up to my MIL (I was afraid to piss of my husband & knew MIL wouldn’t admit to her behavior) so nothing changed until my husband acknowledged the problem. Took a long time for that to happen. It is a hard position to be in when it’s your in-laws who are the problem.
Please remember to take care of yourself during this time! Don’t stress yourself out trying to help everyone around you! Take your dad his clothes at your convenience! I’m sure the rehab can provide him with a pair of sweats for a day or 2 until you can drop off his stuff.
Gently remind her it's OK to say no to her kids if it doesn't suit the day's plan.
No. Not going to the water park today. No. Not going to G'ma's pool today. Not today. Another day.
Sometimes you let them try their persuasive aurguments... but sometimes it's just because I am the Mom & I said so!)
It can take time to get confidence back. But the late night talks with her hubby is a good step in standing up for herself.
Love your next avatar!
I think 6 yo's acting out may be more closely related to all of the upset at home.
I'm mean, being questioned by the cops, seeing your mom arrested and the rest of it... That's all pretty traumatic for a little kid.
I'm glad that YD followed her sister home. That was a smart, kind and compassionate thing to do.
So I was on go .. awaiting my dad's transport to rehab. to go deliver clothing/toiletries .. go the word that transport had occurred. I set out .. not far from here, maybe 10 mins .. and delivered the items for him .. can't get past the front door (Covid) but handed off the items to a staff person who filled out the appropriate paperwork, designating where they items were to go.
I left.
Bear in mind as the story unfolds here, .. stepsister has bailed to return to her home 3 or 4 hours away .. (she has bipolar and so .. all the horse squeeze that goes on in all this .. not good for her own mental state and so she can only take small doses and bails .. as she puts it, "I have to get away from all the crazy I'm about half crazy without all this crap).
So, I drop off all the toiletries, clothing return to my car, exit the complex there, back out onto the road. My phone rings. A Natalie somebody or other .. I don't know .. a case manager or something . not sure her capacity there . at the Rehab site .. goes about like this:
Natalie: "Hi is this Dorker, .. ??".
Me; "Yes it is".
Natalie: Hi, .. well I needed to speak with you to hopefully you can shed some light on some things . we just got your dad here .. at B .. and he's really pretty agitated and angry .. and unsettled".
Me: "What's going on?"..
Natalie: "Well .. the hospital . they had reached out to .. is it your stepmother .. his wife . who is she to you".
Me: "Yes, stepmother"
Natalie; 'okay . well they had reached out to her, or maybe he contacting them. I don't really know .. but in any event . she is the one who signed the telephonic consent as to his transfer and transport . and the selection for his site for rehab and so forth . and this is all really upending him . .he is really pretty agitated and angry . says he doesn't want her involved .. is there anything you care to share about what's going on w/that".
Me: Natalie, I can share with you that she has undx'd Dementia that for their various reasons they've chosen to kick the can down the road and not address . and so there is no formal dx .. and she has a broken brain .. and so . what you see in that, is that she doesn't retain that which is told to her, . and so asks repeated questions of him . some of which are things he can't answer, . such as "when are you coming home" .. and he doesn't know the answer to that, and answers as such . but doesn't compute with her ... and so she asks again and again and again . and .. she asks other questions repeatedly . some of which can yes be answered .. but doesn't retain that which is told to her, so asks again and again and again, my assessment . he is too ill . .too weak to withstand her constant barrage of endless questions . and can't stand up to it .. too weak/too ill. And not only that .. her broken brain . it doesn't compute with her, when he has .. per se . .reached the end of his rope .. and so maybe pick up the social que that it's time to back off now, he's done . and so she persists .. and .. really, it's all a pretty hostile combative environment . .nobody is abusing anyone that I know of .. she isn't physically abusive . nor he, that I know of ... nothing she does, IMO . is from a point of malice, .. it's just her brain is broken ..
Natalie: "Hmm .. okay .. well .. he is really pretty upset . .says he doesn't want her involved .. do you want us to redo this telephonic consent with you rather than her?"
Me: No, I have no legal standing in all this, she's his wife .. I have no axe to grind anywhere in all this .. I have urged him repeatedly to designate someone as POA other than his wife . who is unable to navigate all this .. and the feedback
The feedback I've gotten from him is much the same as any urging to get a formal dx on that Dementia piece, kick the can down the road .. seems he'd rather tangle with the lions at the zoo than face down that whole thing . but no .. no I don't wish to re-do any forms and designate me .. I have no legal footing in all this.
Natalie: "Hmm . okay .. well I will have to see what it is we can do here, he's really pretty upset and agitated and doesn't want her involved at all".
Me; "My suggestion .. maybe reach out to your superiors for some guidance .. as to what to do with these stickey wickets .. I'm sure it's been seen before".
Natalie: "Oh yea, happens more than you know'.
With that, she and I hung up.
I continue with my drive home . not a few mins later, phone rings again . that same facility.
All I can hear at this point, as I repeatedly say "hello .. hello?" .. no one responding .. I can hear in the b'ground . apparent someone called my # .. but who . no one is answering me .. I can hear in the b'ground . an agitated/angry dad .. and something unintelligible .. and to my "Hello? Hello" ... no one answering me. I hung up.
I get home . pull in my driveway . and into my house, phone rings again . same site calling me .. this time I answer and a Jeremy (male nurse) identifies himself as charge nurse on the floor where dad is being taken care of, . and he goes into
Jeremy: "Hi is this Dorker?".
Me: "yes it is".
Jeremy: "Ok, well we have your dad here, demanding to speak to you . are you okay with speaking to him"
Me: "yes'
My dad gets on the phone. My dad . I dunno . his weakened state .. I dunno . he's barely intelligible . it's about like talking to a really really old decrepit man with marbles in his mouth, hard to understand him. Can barely understand what he is trying to impart.
Dad: "I did not want K involved in all this .. they have K as my contact here, and I did not want her involved in all this"
Me: Dad . she as your wife, has every right to be involved . .. no one can change that, .. remember I urged you countless times to name a designate as to your healthcare .. ".
Dad: I no sooner got here, that my phone was ringing and it was her .. I didn't want her to know where I am, I don't want her invovled"
Me: As I said before, she is the wife in all this . and has every right to that information .. absent any legal documentation nixing that capacity . nothing I can do about it"
Dad now off on some other tangent: "I don't want her to know where I am .. I don't want her involved. I got here and my walker isn't here".
Me: They have plenty of walkers there .. they'll provide one for you".
Dad: But my walker, my walker from home . that's the walker I need . and it has my medications in it, that's the walker I need, I need my medications".
Me: They won't let me bring in outside medications . they will provide the medications that you need there".
Dad: "they don't know what medications I take".
Me: "You chart indicates what medications you take'.
Dad: "K .. didn't tell them what medications I take".
Me: "It's not up to K to provide that information . .that's up to the docs . and it's noted in the charts there".
Dad; I'm going to hang up now .. I can't make you understand what I'm trying to say'.
With that, he hung up.
Finished with that conversation . and then my phone rang again in a little bit, it was stepsister:
Stepsister: "Hey did they get your dad moved?".
Me: "yes, he's at B .. where I told you earlier they were x'fer'ing him
Stepsister: "are you sure, .. ??.. have you talked to him?".
Me: "yes, .. I've talked to him and some staff there, yes . why". ( I fill her in on the goings on that have transpired as to him undone as to her mom . and so forth) ..
Stepsister: "Hmm . okay well I just had a call from mother . shes' beside herself frantic .. and upset and crying . can't find him . she called there . and they have no record of him
Did her daughter hire the caregiving service?
I wonder if she has a UTI? Seeing her grandson who wasn't there the other day and now this.
Dorker, don't rule out calling 911 for her.
Stepsister: "They have on record of him as patient there . she says she has spoken to every human she can get on the phone there .. and no record of him as inpatient there".
Me: "Well he is there, I have talked to him . and I've talked to staff . and in fact, .. she too has talked to him . there ... he was all agitated that no sooner than he got there, him still on the ambulance gurney not even xfer'd to his bed there, his phone ringing and it was her, on the line . him completely outdone, not wanting her to know his whereabouts" .. (I fill her in again . as to it all) ..
Stepsister, Specifically now addressing the piece as to his aggravation with the absent walker that contains his meds .. and she says the following: "See he want his oxy . hes' addicted".
Me; "probably . not in my wheelhouse".
Stepsister: "mm . okay .. I'll go ahead and call mother back and try to put a lid on her somehow".
Me; "Sounds good, and just so you know, personally I am sick of all this b'chit and going to now turn off my phone for the night .. I won't be taking any further calls on all this for the rest of the night"
Stepsister: "I hear ya .. I had to get outta there and return to T (her home 3 or 4 hours from here) I can't deal with all the crazy myself"
With that, we hung up.
I got curious .. "why are they telling her he's not there .. ".
I called and spoke with Jeremy who I'd spoken with before .. "Jeremy why are they telling his wife he's not there".
Jeremy: "Your dad chose to place himself as confidential here .. there will be no record that he's here .. that was his choice, and thoroughly explained to him 2 x's and he signed the forms accordingly . that means no one other than who he designates .. will know he's here, or can get information about him, and that's you . you're who he designated"
Me; "really? I didn't know that".
Jeremy: "Yea . he doesn't want his wife at all involved . and so . I mean we explained it to him thoroughly .. and he signed the forms designating himself as confidential here .. there will be no record of his presence here to anyone other than you".
Me: "Wow .. hmm .. I don't know that I'm comfortable w/that .. ".
Jeremy: "That's certainly something you can speak to your dad about. Do you feel it's baseless that he would take this stance, as to his wife?".
Me: "well no ... I mean I get it, her brain is broken .and she just isn't able to process and navigate all that's going on .but Jeremy I have tried and tried to get him to designate someone other than her, as POA .. and .. he has repeatedly kicked the can down the road, .. refuses to do so .. says he'd do better to climb into a lion's den . .than to tangle with her .. and so ... it never gets done . she has Dementia and so has no real recognition for the fact, she is not able to adequately care for him . and .. can't get either of them to address that either".
Jeremy: "yea . it happens .. sometimes these crises situations are what precipitates the needed changes".
Me; "Ok, and what am I to do with a frantic stepmother that will now be at witts end . unable to locate where her husband has been placed .. I don't have a roadmap for how to navigate all this".
Jeremy: "Yea that's gonna be a tough one .. our obligation here is to protect the patient and allow they rest and recuperate .. and so .. we have to honor the request of the patient".
Me; "Ok, and do you have any guidance as to how to navigate the waters with his wife who will be frantic . .and likely blowing up my phone as to his whereabouts".
Jeremy: "No, I'm sorry I really don't know what to tell you . maybe check with case management (pass the buck) .. I don't really know how to guide you in that, we have to first and foremost protect the welfare of our patient and their wishes".
At that, call dispensed with.
I took the phone off the hook, powered down the cell, and went on with my night.
So that's where it all is.
It is also not your job to deal with stepmother. Tell stepsister to get caregivers in or call 911 to get her mother into the hospital to deal with her rapidly deteriorating mental state.
If you CHOOSE to deal with her, a consistent therapeutic fib (agreed upon by you and K's daughter) is to say that his doctor has ordered that he get complete rest and not be disturbed with phone calls. And that he will be in contact with her when that order is lifted.
Case management called, just to let me know contact #'s there . and .. that there will be a multi faceted modality meeting on Tuesday as to care plan . and I will be made aware of results there.
I expressed my disdain for what is presently ongoing in this "confidential" status and she said the following .. "Well I do see here, he has signed a consent form designating you as his health surrogate in the event he is unable to makek health decisions on his own". Me; "I didn't know that .. I know he did that last year when he was hospitalized . but I was under the impression those are per occurrence". Her response: "I see this one was dated May 6th . so he just did this . and yes this good for a period of 1 year . unless another one is signed taking precedence, . so what that means is that you can call here, and gather information if you wish as to his well being . and that staff may call you for input as to heatlhcare decisions he deems to want your input on . or . if he should become incapacitated as to making his own decisoins .. he named you . not his wife".
Me: Again . I need a roadmap for how to navigate all this .. I don't know that I'm comfortable answering to her . in regards to all this and the why's of it . should she ask me .. Obviously they won't be calling her to inform as to his well being or not . .or calling her, to ask any health questions . it'll be me they call . and .. of course, .. I can certainly make informed decisions . but .. I don't know that I sit real well with speaking to her on that, her and her broken brain"
Case mgr: "yea I can understand that, what we'll do is maybe reach out and have someone call you to better help you navigate a way to handle all this"
And with that call dispensed with.
Haven't had my phone ring not once this AM .. with a frantic K . at a loss for where is her husband, nor stepsister as to what she did to put a lid on her frantic mom . her from afar ..
Nor have I reached out to call my dad ..
From what I understand from case management, he has a phone .. but that number is not given out, not even to me .. I will have to call the unit sect'y . (was provided that #) and identify myself, for xfer to his room.
I haven't tried. Don't know that I will, put out with all this b'chit . I mean really really put out.