I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
What sort of shoes does your mil wear generally? If she's got balance issues, I would hope that she is already wearing flat, supportive comfort shoes.
I always remember when my grandma was finished rehabbing from a broken hip (this was in 1966), she came home to our house and was having trouble walking, even with her walker. My mother and aunt were stumped by this. I was 13 years old and walked in on all three of them puzzling over the issue.
I looked down at grandma's feet and asked "why is she wearing high heels?" (my grandma used to wear what I still think of as nun's shoes--1 1/2 Cuban heeled oxfords. My mother thought I was being fresh and asked "so what kind of shoes do YOU think she should be wearing?" Nurse's shoes, I replied and flounced out.
Guess what? They got grandma nurse shoes and she could walk again!
MIL has a terrible time with shoes period. Because of the edema that is a constant issue (issue covered here previously, take the Lasix like you need to and that might go a long way to alleviate some of that swelling). An absolutely horrible time with shoes.
In fact, at home .. (and yes yes yes and YES ............... has been cautioned this is a horrible thing for her to be doing) .. at home .. a lot of times you'll find her in just socks .. yes I know. Nightmare. No traction for her feet, ... and no balance support. Horrible! Socks, .. vs barefoot .. because her feet get so cold. But .. see above, and her with a horrible time of it with shoes. So she opts .. at home .. for socks.
For venturing out, her general *go-to* are some various sandals that she has. All of which would have some sort of adjustable strap .. to accommodate the constant edema issue. That would be her shoe of choice, most always (flat yes).
She also has, for in the winter .. sneakers .. has found that NB brand .. seems to have a better "fit" for her. But that too, problematic depending on the swelling/edema issue . in that one has to lace them up and tie them .. and if there is marked swelling, there are times when a sneaker .. it won't even go on those swollen feet.
The nun shoes, ... I think they only way you'd ever get those on MIL's vain self is after she is dead. She'd never be caught dead in anything so unsightly and "that's for old people".
And no, those inserts are not going to work when you are someone that lives in socks .. and then the other, sandals .. as to your footwear.
But again, .. a point that previously, I'd of been on the front lines advocating and trying to convince MIL that she needs to not wear sandals .. so that she can wear these inserts inside of her shoe .. on and on and on .. to no avail. Not going there with her.
I've debated with her the whole socks thing and how absolutely horribly dangerous that is. Does no good. I have no idea if the home health people that were assigned, .. were they at all successful in getting her to see that socks for footwear .. a big no no. I haven't asked.
But SIL - that is triangulation/manipulation again. Whose great-granddaughter is it? Oh, yeah. MIL. Narcissists love to get someone else to ask for them so that they are not the ones constantly asking. Remember, MIL is managing for herself (by getting SIL to rally the troops).
*strange game, the only way to win is NOT TO PLAY.*
I wish we could just take conversations with them at face value. But you can't. As you saw, the foot thing continued despite you NOT taking the bait. So very proud of you. I know it's hard for a generous, compassionate person to not just jump in and try to help. I think it was Barb's relation that said some people are their own worst enemy. A friend of mine with diabetes she has trouble controlling used to play the food games with me. Can't eat here or there - nothing on menu. So I'd let her choose restaurant and darnedest thing, she would load up on bread and order dessert. So it wasn't fear of diabetes and blood sugar at all...it is about power and control. It would be easier if we didn't care about them or had no good history. But you do have to set boundaries. Again, good for you and enjoy the go-karts (I actually had the same friend suggest that we change MY SON'S party plans because she didn't like mini golf and could not manage course to be something she could handle not what he specifically requested). I declined:)
Let H invite and make all of the arrangements for his mother to attend the dinner out for gd's birthday (including issuing the invitation). HE can be the one to bring her back home after the dinner while everyone else goes on to the ko-carts. MIL will probably try to get him to do things in her house when he drops her off, but, again, that will be HIS problem.
(And if it doesn't even occur to him to even invite her, oh well!)
Oh I agree, .. if he wants her to be a part of things, by all means, go get her and make it happen. She is more than welcome to join the family dinner out if she'd care to do so and if he'd care to make it happen so she can be there. I don't have a problem at all with that. I know she won't care a thing in the world about trying to get to the go-karts and do that whole part of it, so would want to be taken home. And yes, you're probably right, what better time to get her "to do" list seen to. So be it. His mom.
I know it was interesting the other night, .. we'd had the kids over for grilled steaks. I purposely set one aside for a plate for MIL. Didn't know, at least initially, how that would get to her, .. but did definitely have one purposely for her. Along with a baked potato and some mushrooms, etc.
So, dinner is over now .. we're all finishing up our plates .. the girls are in the kitchen on clean up duty and I said out loud, "be sure and make a plate and cover it for MIL". At that point I turned to DH, "will you be taking your mom's plate out to her".
His answer, .. sad faced ... "but I don't want to have to leave .. we're all here ... ".
DD said back to him in response, .. almost with a face of *oh well* ... "your mom!".
He then, with resignation of knowing .. true ....... said, "okay, make a plate .. I'll run it out there to her". And off he went, leaving the rest of us here to enjoy one another.
Doesn't sound like she gave him any *to do* list while there .. in fact, he took the 4 yo with him (MIL so thoroughly enjoys the 4 yo when she can have an opportunity to visit with her). And it sounds like that's what transpired, she just enjoyed and visited with the 4 yo, and DH .. sounds like he sacked out in the recliner for a while, and viewed his smartphone and such .. for a bit.
So, yea .. if he wants to facilitate getting that done .. to make her a part of things, by all means. But he won't think about it, not unless I prompt him to do so and I'm not going to do it .. and then have it be my fault that he's now stuck with caring for his mom instead of enjoying the little bday gathering. That can be on him.
What you said about enjoying the birthday party as a grandma hit a chord with me. You absolutely deserve to enjoy those moments with your grandchildren just as you tried to assure MIL was part of all the family events for years.
Don't feel guilty either. You've earned it.
Time will tell how things evolve with the MIL. That we can't control. But it's time her children assumed her care, address her whims, reason with her to try to get her to make he right choices to keep herself healthy.
You gave 1000%. Its time they step up and do their part.
Keep up the good work in dealing with your SIL. She is still looking for ways to get you to do her work. Eventually (we hope) she will "get it".
For a long long time I kept engaged in all of this with the mindset, "well she can't be here all the time". And that is true. And the further mindset .. "when she does come, she doesn't stop from the time her feet hit the front door there, til she walks out to return home".
But somewhere in it all, .. it became too much, .. to do all that needed doing (right now things seem stable, but I'd be the last to know .. and if they are stable, . it's because there is outside engagement from others, which MIL so staunchly/adamantly refused for so long).
It became rather apparent to me, like as clear as glass ... ya know ... when SIL is at home, she has only herself and her husband to concern herself with. Her kids .. two of them .. grown and gone with their own lives .. one living way on the other side of the globe entirely, the other a person who enjoys her social life and has little to do with SIL as her mother, socially anyway. SIL can easily come here every few months and stand on her head for the few weeks she's here, absent the encumbrances of what needs doing in her own world at home. I don't have that luxury. I still work (for my husband, and that gives me a LOT of flexibility .. but not always it doesn't). I have my g'children that live here, and damnit I'm entitled to want to spend time with them. It just became glaringly obvious that I too, given that set of circumstances, .. could breeze into town for a few weeks at the time and literally turn cartwheels doing everything under the sun, then breeze out as fast .. and return to my normal life. I wasn't living that life. I was here, .. trying to be all/do all with regard to MIL . .. yet manage my own responsibilities and wants in life and stressing and failing miserably.
It is a lot better at present. Granted, guardedly so. I don't exhale for a minute ... it's coming. I don't know when/how, but it's coming. MIL will have some other maladies/calamities .. and then .. I better be steeled to stand my ground. Because it is coming. DH will be phoning me, from wherever he is, in the middle of whatever he's into at work, .. and the expectation ............ "won't you just do this one thing, it's just this one thing". No. I won't. She can manage, that's what I've been told, let her manage.
It's a dicey place to be. Kind of holding one's breath, waiting for the other shoe to drop. I do see, clearly, SIL tries .. to engage me again. Vigilant to be on the lookout for same and resist.
Even if MIL ends up in the hospital (can she call 911?), it is not your responsibility to rush to the hospital. It's H's mother, after all. Let him deal with it.
First and foremost, MIL will, at all cost, .. avoid a hospital stay/confinement. She, because she is a fall risk, is put on a bed alarm. I've never had to weather such, so shouldn't be judgmental about how she reacts to it all. But to see her in that setting, where she isn't allowed to get out of a chair/bed without an alarm going off, summon for assistance, you would think she is a prisoner and has been remanded to a 6" x 6" cell in solitary confinement.
I'm sure it's not pleasant to have to be THAT DEPENDENT upon when/if the hospital staff will FINALLY come and disarm the d*mned thing .. so they can "assist" you to the bathroom .. or whatever. But it's hard for me to be very compassionate. There are worse things. At least you CAN get out of the bed, there are those who cannot. But let's don't even consider that, let's b*tch and wail and act like it's the worst thing in the world.
She will avoid almost at any cost, anything that looks even remotely like it could land her in a confined stay at the hospital.
What that has looked like in the past, .. and me a willing participant (until recently) ... perhaps 911 personnel summoned .. and they are there on site, dealing with her, taking vitals, ... advising a transport to ER .. and her refusing .. and making excuses, "no, I'll be fine, .. no I'm just dehydrated I think, I will be fine, I'll just need to drink more, no I'm fine, no I'm not going to the hospital". 911 personnel then leave.
Problem, whatever the problem is/was .. persists. This then requires more summoning of offspring (in the past, me) ... to assist, bring her this (liquids), bring her that (BRAT diet foods) ........ and since you're coming that way .. can you also pick up __________ and __________ and when you're here .. if you would take a look at ___________. You get there, you see she is so weak that she isn't really able to ambulate well, to hydrate and/or fix herself anything to eat. You stick around for a while to facilitate same ... and ck on her, .. make sure she's going to be alright, .. make sure you stress to her the importance of hydrating, eating the (BRAT) right things .. etc etc etc. . maybe caution against those swollen lower extremities and is she taking meds, .. on and on it goes.
Next day same story ... out there again, to ck on her ..
Maybe by now she has decided a visit to the PCP would be in order, and so can you help with that .. can you get her to the PCP appt.
So you go, you take care of that. There, they want to run lab work, they want her to be seen at the lab (separate site) for that .. and so can you get her there ... and PCP cautions against doing what she's been doing that is worsening her state of being, .. as you've also done the countless times you've been on the scene to nurse this along .. as she refuses to go to ER as it might mean a confinement in the hospital, in-patient.
Thus ...
I have stepped back from all that madness. And glad I did.
BUT .....
Her offspring ... a daughter who will, if she's here, follow the letter of the law above .. and do anything within her power also, to keep her mother out of having to be confined inpatient.
Her son ...
He simply hasn't had to be on that front, .. having a wife (me) who has run interference on it all for more than a decade.
Yes, he has been called upon (and done it) to go stay o'nite in the event she is too ill/weak to be able to manage. But .. the daily .. going to do the above .. he has been able to dodge all of that .. all this time .. because he's busy working and his wife was kind enough to step in, in his stead, and do it (until now).
What will be the case going forward .. will DH .. step to the beat of the above drum .. and be there to nurse his mother along ... and cook for her, .. and keep her hydrated, .. be there on site .. make sure BRAT diet is followed, .. make sure meds are being taken .. day in and out, as she refuses an inpatient stay.
Doubtful.
What he'd be more apt to do is turn in my direction, "I have to work here, I don't have time for this ... if you'll just come stay with mother during the day and see it through, then I'll come in from work and clock in and you can go home".
"Can't you just do this one thing .. why are you being so unreasonable".
I'm not being unreasonable, .. people in her state .. should be confined inpatient .. where they can be looked after by trained medical professionals .. and that is what I think should occur, if you think differently, then you do differently, don't expect me to do so. If she can't ambulate well enough to look after her own well being, then she needs to be in a setting where there can be assistance to do so.
So, yes, .. easy to say ... "she can call 911".
She won't. She will call upon her son (or me, though she seems to have somehow sensed that I am no longer on that front .. that I am busy with babies .. and I am). She will call upon her son ... and he will drop what he's doing to go ck on his mother. And when there, .. he may call 911 .. even on his way there. But see above, as it plays out, .. he will return to his world, having cautioned his mother what she should do .. and then resume his existence. All for it to continue sliding off the cliff, and more summoning for him to come that way .. and he'll dutifully do so ... all the while, pulling at me to step to the front and lead the charge.
We haven't gotten there again .. not yet .... because, I suspect, ... the home health nurse is there 2 and 3 x's weekly .. and so is keeping things, relatively on course ... that and MIL's most recent hospital stay .. she is bound and determined to do all she can to avoid that pitfall again .. (for now).
But it's coming ... not a doubt in my mind. Not "if", but "when".
I feel as though I'm kind of in a vacuum as far as anything MIL related. For the most part, I'm okay with that. I did talk with her via phone the other day. She called here and I almost didn't answer it simply because I don't want to be pulled into it all again. But I did go ahead and answer it and she didn't "need" anything, just catching up, how are the babies, that kinda thing. And then she unloaded some family gossip .. and that's about it.
If there is anything amiss with the whole situation w/regard to her, I'm not in the know about it.
I do still, though, kinda wait for that other heavy shoe to drop.
Sitting having our morning coffee this morning, as we start most days. DH gets a number of texts on his phone. Turns out it's from SIL.
Worry ...
Mother has to drive herself to the doctor today and she's so worried about her, she's so weak/frail .. and would it be possible for him to be able to take her.
This is the text that is incoming to him ... he goes on to mention .. (he read the above .. I didn't ask, don't even want to know truly) .... mentions that we may need to chip in on MOW for MIL .. that she isn't eating .. sounds like it'll be less than $50 a month for each of us to chip in on it all .. that the nurse had come by and I guess, MIL's BP was jacked up (that is not typical for her, her BP runs low, always). Said the nurse had peeked into the freezer .. and all the frozen meals that SIL left here for MIL .. they are still there .. packed solid in the freezer, that mother isn't eating them .. but said the nurse told her, those are loaded with sodium and she needs to not be eating those .. so we may need to kick in on the expense of having MOW brought in.
This is all him talking out loud .. to no one in particular .. though it was just me there with him.
He said (again, out loud to no one) .. "I can't take her to the doctor .. I don't have time ... she needs .. mom needs to be where she can get more help, I know that ... ", he says with a resignation of almost sadness.
He then says (I wasn't asking, he was just talking out loud .. thinking out loud I guess) .. her legs/ankles swelling, her BP jacked up ... she has to get to the doctor and is going to have to get herself there and sister is worried ....
Thankfully I wasn't summoned at all for any of it. I didn't want to start my day out with animosity .. but THIS is the very thing that happens continually. And so it begins.
The only comment I made was the following: "Well that's great if you guys have gotten her on the page with MOW .. she's always been so staunchly against doing that, not wanting someone coming to her door .... she has always steadfastly refused to have any part of that .. that and the fact she used to help prepare those meals, in her younger years thru a community service project via her church and she was always less than impressed with what she saw as the foods offered or whatever .. that's great if she's on that page now".
He said with a sadness almost, and a resignation of not sure at all, "yea .. we'll see .. not sure she's gonna go for that .. but she's not eating .. I know that".
I changed the subject .... purposely.
I don't know what he responded to his sister, don't care. Nothing I'm going to do to facilitate any of it, thus I don't need to know.
Does no good for me to provide any of my input, seen that several hundred times.
It does, all of it though, .. bring forth in me, some anguish and anxiety and some frustration.
I didn't say it, because I wasn't asked to participate in any way (thankfully). But I just feel like, .. you guys can't work both ends against the middle here, that's not how it works. We've done that for years .. and SIL breezes in here every few months and works like a dog .. and then leaves .. assuring all is fine .. mother will manage just fine .. MIL states so adamantly "I'm fine, .. I know what to do and I will do it, I will manage here". So .. that's the approach you guys allow ............... until all h*ll begins breaking loose .. and then it's me .. that has to put the pieces of it all together again. Not doing it. You don't get to have it both ways. If she's fine .. then by d*mn .. she's fine .. she'll manage. If she isn't, .. then why the hell all the worry .. do what you need to do to get her more help, both you and your sister.
I didn't have to say any of the above, . and I likely wouldn't of .. it's been said, at least a few hundred times. Does no good.
I didn't add any input ... at all. Other than the MOW portion of the conversation. So now, as far as I'm concerned .. SIL can wring her hands from afar .. with worry that her mother is driving herself to the doctor .... in her weakened/frail state .. (she's fine remember, isn't that the approach we're all to buy into) ... she can sit up there 1K miles away and wring her hands with worry .. or she can summon a neighbor to help, if they're available (MIL would be LIVID with her if she did that) .. she can encourage her mom to use UBER or a taxi .. or she can work the angle of getting her mother more services locally .. one of which is medical transport to doc visits ... (her mother would hands-down refuse that .. any of the above). So wring your hands with worry then.
And so it begins ....
In functional families, there is free and open discussion of what is going on and everyone gets heard. Requests get made, i.e., Rusty (my SIL) , I'm tied up on Thursday in meetings, can you take mom to the doctor and we'll talk on Friday about what she recommended? Then we'd chat about what recs were made and how to implement them. And my mother always accepted help that was offered and understood when things couldn't be perfect.
Guestshop is right; you are being triangulated. YOU are not going get sucked into the dysfunctional "oh if only we get the right test/exercisebike/pill/gate mom will be fine".
It's sad that you have to restrain your loving and caring impulses this way, but the help you were giving wasn't helping. It was enabling further dysfuction.
AC friends are the best💜
I don't know why ... and I can't sit and pontificate it .. have tried ... why they won't do the shoulder to the wheel, hard job of forcing the issue with MIL. I don't know why. I guess, because .. all along, they've had me in the gap as a measure to assure that things sail along relatively okay. As long as I'll skip to the beat of that music.
It's hard .. very hard.
Hard for me to be knowledgeable (because I know how frail and ailing she is .. that's WHAT I HAVE BEEN SAYING if anyone is listening and they haven't/aren't). I know how frail she is ..
The very thought that she is in a weakened state once again (the cycle continually repeats) .. and this time .. I'm not there to help ... to take her to the doc .. to get the attention to matters at hand.
Does no good damnit!
Take her to the doc, they advise thus and so, it isn't followed .. unless someone is there to spoon feed instructions.
I hate this. I feel .. a pang of .. that it seems cruel. I'm not cruel .. I'm not going to enable any longer, is my approach here. But the reality, the on-the-ground reality of it all, is hard hard hard.
I am going later today, thankfully, to sit with twins .. while dd takes 4 yo for a doc visit and shots .. and I offered to help with the twins, so she wouldn't have to lug them along. Thankfully I do have an agenda for the day. No directives have come my way .. but if they did .. I have my day mapped out.
I'm trying in between, to get ready for the out of town company coming this weekend, and my day yesterday was hi-jacked by dd in need (but I'm always willing to help there, .. in that situation, it is indeed help .. it isn't enabling).
That used to be the case, all along, .. I'd have my day planned and it would get up ended by all the above .. and I'd hop to that beat ... and then be resentful and angry that my time and energy is spent in a fruitless endeavor of trying to right MIL's course .. when in the end.. there is no "righting it".
It's not a matter that one more pill, one more gadget, one more this or that, is going to "right" the course of things for her. I see that .... but apparently, other than this AC message board .. I am alone in that sentiment.
In the eyes of the law she's a competent adult; they can't force compliance any more than you can.
They too are waiting for the other shoe to drop.
(As far as chipping in for MOW, that shouldn't be happening. MIL should be paying for her own food, and if she can't do that, she shouldn't have a dog with expensive food. And it sounds like she really can't take care of the dog, anyway.)
Keep us updated! You are doing GREAT!!!
It made my day start out, with a sadness. Sadness because I know how frail and needy she is. But also, sad .. I know DH's world. I live it with him. He truly doesn't have the time it takes to manage all this. No one does. And it's all for naught anyway. Manage this crises .. doing every hoop of fire that's put in front of you to jump through .. and the next one comes, and the next one and the next one.
I hate it for all of us. I could very easily remedy this issue ... by calling and offering to get MIL to doc. I won't. I've been there/done that, bought the t-shirt and have worn it til it's threadbare.
I guess, so begins the slippery slide off that cliff that I've referred to here so many times. This time, the "enabler" isn't front and center in it all.
I have fought that battle and lost. Have to pick our battles. For less than $50 a month .. I won't bother ...
But you are right, .. I bet once that gets up and going .. if it does .. (MIL has always refused it in the past) ... I bet one can go over there on any given day and find a stack of uneaten MOW's in the fridge. Waste of $.
These last 7 years, since the day my mom's bp got measured at 260/118 (I'm looking at the note I wrote myself on 12/01/09) and my sil called 911 have been ones of exhaustion, nonstop "going".
Even with a cooperative elder, this is a long and painful ride. Read up; Roz Chast's Can't We talk about something more Pleasant" and Atul Gawande On Being Mortal come to mind.
I know as a young mommie I had no idea what I was doing (I was an only child myself) and I had no family to help me. I read lots of things about child rearing by other young ladies, and decided on one that seemed the most loving, but which ran me ragged serving the child who did not know as much as I was giving him credit for! When I was burned out after 4 years, I turned to experts - adults who'd raised children to adulthood - and listened to their adivice. It was: to set and enforce boundaries. I see my DIL making the same mistakes I made, and I tried to explain boundaries, but itonly made her mad that I was telling her how to raise her baby. 2 years later, she's starting to set bondaries, though she's not enforcing them yet. I'm staying out of it.
This is the same thing the experts at the hospital and people who know you all at church and who don't say anything are thinking. Their words would fall on deaf ears, so it's better to stay out of it. But they support you making boundaries and enforcing them, which is exactly what they are doing by not speaking up! They are enforcing their personal boundary of not telling people how to run their lives. You just don't see them, but they are all rooting for you!
I'm sure that almost everyone who has lived this whole thing with "enabling" vs "helping" the elder in their lives, I'm sure they have their sentiments. Maybe sentiments they don't share. I know I certainly would, watching this saga in someone that I might know.
SIL did text me later today while I was sitting with the babies and I explained that, in response "Have the babies right now, mommy has gone to the doc with the 4 yo". Didn't stop her, .. she went on with her reason for texting me. She went on to say that she's been in touch with MOW .. and it looks as though they can begin service as early as end of this week. I responded, "great, sounds like a plan". She then responded to that telling me that between working the angle with her husband and his latest health crises and her mother here on this end, .. that her mother has really had some struggles in recent days. I only responded, "Good your husband is doing well, from what I hear". She said in response (trying to pull me in, so clearly seen by me) ... "yes it is good he's doing well, I don't know how I'd manage mom's life and his .. it's good he's doing so well with it all, he's always been a cooperative patient .. seems like his mania is a bit out of control so we're having to work that angle also .. mom, it seems like she has become more aware that she needs more help".
At that I simply responded, "I'm sure it's all exhausting, good luck with it all, gotta run, babies need me".
She then texted again, but I didn't respond any further. Her words: "Maybe with my working with the agency in your area about aging .. and the services I'm working to get in place for her, .. maybe then one day when she needs to transition into a facility, maybe all of this leg work will go a long way towards helping that, since she now says that she doesn't want to come here to live with me, .. ever ... and I know I can't come there .. not with B (her DH) having so many health concerns of his own".
I didn't even respond, and don't intend to.
I'm sure she was looking for me to hop on in with something akin to: "Well that's great news. Your mom has always been so hard headed about accepting any help, .. maybe now .. now that she's being more cooperative about help from 3rd parties, .. let me know where I can help".
I have no doubt that she'd of loved to have heard that from me. Nope.
My feelings at this point .. *let's see how ready she is to accept help from 3rd parties, I'll believe it when I see it*.
I hope you can see how much your stepping back is actually resulting in a more realistic way of thinking about MIL. Good job!
"I thought your mom can manage .. she's sure said it enough .. GOD knows she's said it enough, and you've fallen in lockstep with that line of thought, .. why are you exhausted *managing* for your mom .. I thought she manages fine".
I didn't respond with that .. but that's what it was begging for. Her lamenting that she is now exhausted with trying to manage things for her husband with his latest health issue as well as her mom.
That's the whole thing that has so incensed me, all along. If she's fine and can manage, then why are you all up in it. Leave her be, she can manage. RIGHT?!?!?
Oh wait .. no ... I guess maybe she doesn't. But far be it from YOU or HER to admit that. So fine, go pull your hair out trying to "manage" for her, from afar. Leave me out of it.
It's really destructive and bad form.
That's what SHOULD be my sentiment. I have backed out, of my own choosing. That doesn't mean .. and I know that .. things will settle and be smooth as glass. Quite the contrary. So, why does it still cause in me anxiety and frustration and anguish and just .. in general .. a feeling of unease.
DH comes in this evening .. and his phone blowing up with texts as he walked in the door. He took the phone off his hip and said as he was doing so, .. with a tone of disgust, "MY SISTER! It's been this way all day ... she is coming apart up there, mom had to go to the doc today and the housekeeper took her .. she is weak and she isn't eating .. ", turns to me, "do we have any dinner left that I could bring her some?
I answered, "yes, we had leftovers and youngest daughter has already left with some for MIL" (something we routinely do if I make enough .. and someone is able to take her a plate). That hasn't changed. To this day .. we take her a plate of whatever we're having .. if it's something she can eat .. something she'd like, if there's enough, if someone is available to go that way with it.
Youngest daughter just took her a plate of what we had on Sunday. Dd (mother of twins) came over here to cook dinner for all of us .. me watching babies .. and her cooking the entire dinner. Had enough that we made a plate and youngest daughter ran a plate over to MIL.
Inside of 3 days .. I guess .. MIL has gone straight downhill .. from what it sounds like.
In what way? How?
I don't really know. The only complaint that I hear is that she is so weak, her BP was high the other day when the nurse was there .. the doc was wanting to put her on a BP med (bad idea .. her BP generally runs very low .. and so putting her on a BP med .. they would need to be very cautious doing that, IMO ... ).
"What has her so weak DH?".
Answer: "I don't know, I know she isn't eating .. the nurse the other day opened the freezer where sister had left a stack of frozen meals .. and she isn't eating them .. but yet .. one of us runs food over to her, she'll eat it .. (said with disgust by DH) .. I don't know why she's not eating .. or .. it sounds like she's just eating little bits of whatever".
Me: "Haven't we been there before countless times, .. how many times have we cautioned that she needs to eat .. telling her .. she's going to get weak if she doesn't adequately nourish .. what's causing her to not eat?".
DH: "I don't know .. I have to run out there in a bit to go ck on her ... sister has been blowing up my phone all day long .. she is coming apart, sister is ... worried sick, ... mom went to the doctor today ... the housekeeper took her ..".
Me: "what were the results of the doc visit?".
DH: "I don't know, I've gotta go out there and talk to her, . .see what she says".
He said he'd been pushed earlier in the morning, a particular jobsite that they've been breathing down his back about .. that he's behind and needed badly to get to .. and that he'd been sitting at the supply shop this morning to pick up items for the job, when his phone rang and it was his mom .. and her words to him, the dreaded words she says to him that he says .. talks of it all the time .. that she says to him, "where are you?" ... he knows, those dreaded words, those words .. they translate to *a problem, there is a problem*. "Where are you?', as he describes it, .. it's like she wants him to answer, "well as a matter of fact I'm sitting in your driveway .. how can I be of service to you". As he puts it, "I'm WORKING .. what do you mean "where am I" ... I'm working".
I asked him, what did she want .. and he said, "wanted to know if I could take her to a doc appointment". I didn't ask anything further, .. he'd already said the housekeeper took her to doc appt today so somehow that got arranged, .. MIL...arranging it ..???....SIL ...??? .. I don't know.
Meanwhile he texted back to his sister, .. don't know what he said, likely telling her that youngest daughter had already left here to run out there with some dinner for MIL, since he did seem to take note of that fact.
The texts, I kept hearing his phone ding .. over and over .. and he was eating his dinner, and ignored the repeated incoming texts .. saying out loud, "my sister is coming undone!", as he finished eating and didn't look at his phone any further.
He has left to go ck on his mom.
I find that I shouldn't of engaged in any questions, but to do so, .. makes me seem disinterested. I'm not. I am interested in her well being . I'm disinterested in engaging in the step n'fetch role . .that much is a given. But I'm not "disinterested" to the tune that I would sit and hear what he was saying and respond with a simple nod of the head or less.
I find that it's angering me. Just in time for "my family" which is to descend this weekend .. she is now ailing and more "in need". Last time "my family" all gathered, all of us at one time .. (rare that we can all be together, .. everyone with different work schedules/commitments) .. last time that occurred was over a year ago. DH was unable to participate in any of the family get-together .. having to be on the front with his mother who had taken a nasty fall and wasn't ambulating well. We'd all, my family, gathered in a historic town .. about an hour south of here for a long weekend, all of us with hotel rooms .. and spent the weekend enjoying one another, absent DH .. who had to be on the front with his mom.
Looks like that may be the case again .. as we approach this weekend .. and his mom ailing.
Isn't this one of the numerous patterns/cycles that's seen? She fails to adequately nourish .. for reasons that are unclear ... and ... then grows weaker and weaker, to the point she can't function. Sounds like that's the path that's in front of us here.
Not sure why? Don't have any answers.
Not sure why the doc would see fit to rx a BP med knowing that her BP always runs low .. but I'm sure that SIL is all over that issue. I am not, other than here .. on AC board.
Just want to get to where this is all a *non-issue* for me, so badly.