I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
I actually had to stop reading mid way.
Every time one of my parents got carted to the ER or a new rehab - it was ALWAYS the same... “Come get me. I don’t need to be here, etc”. And then me trying to explain “Yes, you do need to be there” and “you are sick and need to be where the doctors can watch you - get to you immediately...” and “You are too sick to be at home” - where ever “home” was at that point and time in the odyssey. It’s utterly heartbreaking. My dad usually settled down unless a UTI was at work with delusions. My mom... my mom would ream me up one side and down the other - alway threatening to disown me or never speak to me again if I didn’t come. Ummm... promise?
These events were aside from the ones when I met them at the ER... so coupled with the endless waiting in the tiny curtained cubicle - it was double hell. Maybe not being able to go there - to the ER - is a tiny Covid silver lining. Sorry to say.
I can’t even express how badly I feel for you, Dorker. You are certainly getting a crash course in all
of this - when it comes to your dad. It’s totally different than the MIL experience - but the base of it is the same. Utter sadness and dispare when a life long lived - sputter towards its ending with such trauma.
Makes one wonder about any meaning in it all...
Well, it makes me wonder, at any rate.
Take care, Dorker. Get lots of rest and try to remember to eat. Whether it be short or long - when things get to this point - it can really knock you on your azz.
When my mom was declining, I kept a go bag with extra underwear, toothbrush and toothpaste, deoderant and clean socks in my trunk. Came in handy many times.
Mind is a jumbled mess. Woke at 3 something and fitful sleep after that, just got up finally.
Mostly feel so alone .. and with overwhelming/crushing responsibility that I didn't ask for .. and no one to share the burden.
Find myself angry (at who/what) .. remembering the treacherous days with the MIL saga and SIL had a Dorker. I need a Dorker to lean on and share the burden and there isn't another me in all this. It's just me.
I keep telling myself . I think as a means of trying to calm me ... "all you can do is what you're doing . just .. advocate .. if you can .. if not, let it go .. "
Doesn't seem to be "calming" me.
Supposed to watch g'kids today . for DD who has a psych appt, and a therapy sesh. Not sure how much good I'll be to anybody and I dam sure am not gonna . not with kids here . be able to man any sense of "yes doctor, he takes statins, . yes doctor .. he had a collapsed lung this time last year, yes doctor he is a cancer patient" . .... along with "yes dad .. I am talking to the staff, ... yes dad.. they are going to send you back to ____________, not to home".
I won't be able to manage that, not with two 2 yo's all over me .. and yet it's only me. Do I call DD . tell her, "I gotta bale on ya, can't watch the kids" . even tho I've pushed and pushed that she get seen .. dial in on her issues. No, that's not a good option . I'll just do the best I can .. that's all I can do.
Dammit why is there no other Dorker, "hey would you take this for the day . and let me focus on my g'kids". Why?
And then the confusion from yesterday plays thru my mind.
I had reached out to SS .. "hey .. just so ya know, I'm mulling over here, what in the h377 to do .. ya know I'm not on any of dad's bank accts .. or any POA or anything else .. I remember this time last year .. dad hospitalized . your mom too . dad sent me to the house there . and had me retrieve the mail, which I brought to the hospital room . grab his wallet there, . his ckbook .. and so forth . bring that .. and we kinda paid some bills over the phone, me and sitting in his hospital room . I remember that he uses his cc to pay all his bills .. and then when the cc bill comes, pays that out of his ck'g acct . and ... I don't have any of his bills . .. not on any accts .. so .. I really have no way of knowing .. what to pay or how to do it .. I know you brought me his wallet, . said you couldn't find his ckbook. Have you looked anymore, to try to find it? And that all important . their healthcare supplement . some convoluted process whereby each of them gets a ck in the mail as retirees . and that gets deposited to ck'g and some form filled out that gets mailed out . and that gets a check sent w/it to pay their healthcare supplements . have you seen anything come in the mail here, that looks like it might be a check .. ???...."
SS: Well I know the electric bill same . ... mom paid that, I sat with her the other day and we got some of her tax stuff together and I dropped that off at the accountant . but the electric bill came and she paid it .. she's real worried about the cable bill . they get their phone service through the cable company . and she's been on the lookout for that, and we haven't seen it ... do you know if he has that auto debited?
Me: "No, I don't know .. "
SS: "Yea . well she's real worried about that cable bill, . not so much the tv, but the phone, doesn't want her phone shut off . and so we've been looking for that cable bill, but it hasn't come. But no .. I haven't seen anything that looks like it might be checks .... Ya know your dad .. has he ever mentioned to you that he has a file folder that has all his p/w's on it .. I was looking for that, . and I can't find it anywhere .. I think he used to do quite a bit of stuff online .. but . his fingers/hands have gotten so bad .. I don't know how he's doing things now ..
Me: Yea and who even knows if the p/w's he has listed are still accurate . and I don't have his SS# or anything else, to be able to change p/w's ..
SS: Yea .. I'm in the same boat you are with mother . I don't know a dam thing about who pays what and how, at least with mother I know it's not online . she doesn't know which end of a PC to use .. so it's all checks with her .. I did sit with her the other day and go over some things . and she went ahead and paid the electric bill, but worried . gotta figure out what he does to pay the cable bill cuz that's their phone service .. do you know if has that set up on auto debit from his checking?".
Me: "No, I don't know anything . nothing at all, of how they do things".
SS: "Yea me and hubby were talking . and we wonder if maybe the checks thing that pays for their supplement to their healthcare .. maybe he got that set up on auto debit .. I wonder .. because I do know, I remember he was getting frustrated as h377 at one point . wanting to use his cc to pay it and they wouldn't let him and he had to give them his ck'g account # and of course, that's always worrisome to give out that info . so I'm wondering now . if maybe with that, he changed it .. and now it just auto debits . but then you wonder ... what is his ck'g balance sitting at .. I mean .. I'd hate to think his ck'g will overdraw .. "
Me: So frustrating .. I mean .. I don't know the answers to any of this . and the man . he is barely able to communicate at all these days .. you may get 1 or maybe 2 points out there for dicussion but he tires so easily . and it's over . and he . when he talks, it's almost like he's having to shout . to get anything to come out of his mouth and that wears him out fast .. and so .. I don't know the answers to any of this . and my hands are kinda tied behind my back . since I have a hard time communicating with him . can't go sit there and let him rest, then go at it all again . and talk to him . I can't be in there".
SS: Maybe when you talk to him on the phone .. ask him . if you can just ask him *you used to have a file folder, w/all your p/w's on it, where is that* . maybe if you could just ask him that, and get any kinda answer, so we could find that.
Me: "Yea I can try, but we also need to know is that cable bill on auto debit .. or what, and the healthcare supplement, how is that handled now"
SS: I swear he must do everything on auto debit or something because I've been there, and there is no mail that comes for him .. I've been looking . you know you told me to be on the lookout for any mail that might be his . and let you know, but I've been looking and I don't see any .. but I swear I don't know how he'd be doing anything online anymore, .. his fingers are so bad he can't use the PC anymore, can barely even push the buttons to use the telephone. But yea, kinda important we know, . if we can find out .. do the auto debits come out of his investment acct, or his ck'g or what, and .. if in his ck'g . what's the balance, don't want it to overdraw . and if the investment acct, . does it automatically draw from the investment side of things .. at a set amount monthly to cover expenses .. or what .. "
Me: "So frustrating . I'll try to when I call him . see if I can begin to get some answers, if only one question a day . that's probably all I can accomplish if that".
Hung up from talking to her, then remembered, .. "hmm . last year this time . he'd had me write down on a piece of scrap paper . his bank acct, or something . something important . and I don't know why . but let me see if I tucked that somewhere in my wallet and kept it".
Sure enough . found it . in scraps of paper shoved down in a wallet that badly needs to be reorganized and sorted thru.
Called that bank.. entered the applicable acct # and the PIN # on that little chicken scratch piece of paper that I'd saved, and wahlaaa.. instant access over
instant access via phone to account balances for savings and ck'g.
Unless his bills are like that of a Hollywood A list celebrity . his balances in ck'g and savings . are not in danger of overdraw . that's for sure, . so . whew .. ok . .. well at least I know that if some of these things are set up on auto draft, .. if it's from this bank acct, . not much danger it's gonna overdraw . not with those balances . have no idea what if anything auto drafts from this account, but balances are sufficient that he could almost go write a check to buy a sports car .. so not gonna worry about overdrawing the account.
Called SS back . "hey you aren't gonna believe this .. I remembered having had a little scrap piece of paper shoved in my wallet from this time last year . acct info . and I called the bank . and sure enough .. was able to get thru to get the balances in his acct .. and not worried now about overdraft .. he's got enough to cover whatever must be their expenses and then some .. so not worried about that, still don't know, what if anything might auto debit from that specific acct, . but at least I know that acct, has sufficient funds for most anything I can imagine that might be their bills/expenses".
SS: "is that their joint ck'g?"
(((Struck me all kinds wrong for her to ask me that ... first off, I have no frickin idea, .. I don't have a check in front of me that I'm reading off of, . it's a piece of scrap paper that I probably found in his hospital room this time last year, and scratched out the #'s given to me, to handle some dam something at that time . I don't know what acct it is .. and .. you know as well as I do SS that they both have separate ck'g accts., separate bills . .. and I don't have a clue if they even have any joint ck'g that I don't know about. Just struck me as all kinds of wrong, like maybe implication on her part, that I was now nosying around in what is her mom's bank biz .. *being this is possibly, who knows, a joint ck'g* ... )))
Me: I don't know if it's a joint acct .. all I have is a piece of chicken scratched out scrap paper with this acct info . what it is .. I have no clue .. "
SS: "yea that's probably his and mom's joint acct"
Me: "Who knows,.. suffice it to say the balance is high enough . unless there's a bill coming for a new sports car .. it'd cover most anything I can imagine they'd have in the way of bills/expenses . if on auto draft".
SS: "Yea . we still don't know though . does his stuff auto draft .. and if so, from that acct, or another acct, . or his investment acct, what?"
Me: "Yea I know, if I can talk to him I want to try to peel a piece of that . layer at the time . and dial in on it".
SS: "Ok, let me know if you're able to talk to him . and I'm in and out at mom's house, I'll keep a lookout for the checkbook . I haven't been able to find it .. and I do look thru the mail, in case there's anything that looks important addressed to your dad, and I'll let you know".
Worked thru all the above, . and all the while awaiting a call back from doc there, as it had been mentioned him set for (this afternoon would've been the case, but that got detoured now, in a trip to ER with chest pains) . but slated for this afternoon, a needle aspiration for lung fluid . and .. I wanted to talk to the doc about that .. last time a needle perforated his lung (biopsy) he ended up w/a collapsed lung . can we not wait . let the Lasix do it's job . do we have to do it this way.
Had put in a call/request to speak to the MD to ask that .. and was waiting for a call back . and I dunno . envisioning this man who is so dreadfully ill at this point . and badly in need of advocacy .. and .. maybe unable to do so on his own behalf .. I know if he's in his right mind and alert enough . I know that for him to hear a needle into the lung that too would cause him to sit up and take notice, .. is he too .. concerned, . but too sick to question it.
Wasn't long before NP called me on that issue.
Answer given: "Yes, he's on Lasix but it's not sufficiently draining that fluid from his lungs . and so this is the route we need to take to get that drained ..
Me to NP: "Can we not just give it more time with the Lasix or up the dose of Lasix".
NP: The Lasix isn't doing it .. and we can't up the dose, . he's already on a pretty high dose and it lowers the BP . something we're fighting with him as it is . and so we can't lower that BP anymore, . that and it can cause kidney damage .. "
Me; "Ok, well you guys . do you have it as part of the record that when he had a needle biopsy about this time last year . that he got a collapsed lung".
NP: "No wasn't aware of that, but will speak to the MD about it, . yes . collapsed lung is indeed a risk .. with any needle invasive procedure . but .. we gotta get that fluid off his lungs . and that will help him to get stronger and feel better .. right now . he's terribly weak . short of breath .. on oxygen .. and . we gotta get him improving . and so"
Me: "ok, .. well . .. I guess that's what you have to do".
Left that issue. Put in a call to my dad . wanted to ask one of the myriad of bills questions .. just one . if I can just get one question out there and sufficient answer to it . that and maybe let him know I've spoken to them about this needle aspiration they're gonna do . just that . if I can just get those two points covered.
Put in a call to him . and hear: "I can't talk right now hun .. I feel lousy . not feeling good".
With that, . dashed any hope of getting at least one of the billing questions out there to get answered, . much less . try to alleviate any worry he might have . but is to sick to address, . as to the needle aspiration.
Can't talk to him.
Put in a call to the CM . thinking there .. "gee, it's such a struggle for him to talk . maybe if I just put some of these billing matters to her .. "hey where are your p/w's . .what was done about that healthcare supplement to get it paid . does a check still come in the mail . did you change all that .. does it now auto draft .. all on it's own . what was done .. how does your cable/phone get paid . is that via auto draft, what account, the investment accts . the ck'g . what"
If I can just get some of these questions in front of her, maybe since it's Covid and I can't go there to sit with him and work thru this, .. maybe she'd be willing to ask on my behalf .. she can see him .. go in there, I can't.
Put in a call to CM . and she's not there, . leave a message . did so . waiting for her to call me back ..
Then they call . in a little to tell me he's being sent to ER . chest pains, unstable BP . and so .. oh h377 . if the CM ever calls me back .. God only knows when ... my questions for her, . kinda nil at this point . he won't even be in residence there for her to walk in and ask .. well chit!
She did call me back, but that was after he'd been dashed off to the ER . .told her why I'd been calling and she explained that she'd be off today and thru the wknd . but would return Monday and doesn't know . will he be sent on now to Barkley (the site we talked about as his next stop) .. or would he return there . she didn't know .. but said if he's still there, . when she comes back on Monday that yes, she'd see if she could help me by talking to him about some of this.
So that was that, . that matter dispensed with . unfinished and not dealt with.
Then the jumble in my brain of the trip that I've long since planned to a family reunion . in KY .. been on my radar for months to go do this.
And why .. ??.... why does it have to be the sticks/hills/hillbilly country of the backwoods of KY where I know for a fact . last time I went there, I might as well throw my cell phone in the floorboard, it's useless there, no signal. Why? If I had a trip planned and all this had to go to chit . why couldn't of been some big
Why couldn't it have been some big major metropolis . .. where cell phones work .. I think I'd feel better about leaving town if that were the case, . not like I can be in there, on the grounds . boots on the ground wherever he is .. Covid limits that, but phones .. that's the best I can do . if I were going somewhere that cell svc wasn't limited, .. what difference does it make if I'm not here local .. I can't go there anyway . but I could at least . keep my phone handy . and manage from KY just as I'm doing here . but I know for a fact, my cell doesn't work there . been there before.
But now what .. do I cancel my plans simply because I'm the only person advocating on his behalf . and my cell doesn't work there . is that what I do .. that's not fair .. I deserve to be able to get away dammit ..
What do I do?
So I begin brainstorming . okay . what can I do . I know my cell isn't gonna work there .. let's see .. I have an uncle that lives there . maybe give the hospital his # .. I'll be at his house, .. the acreage where he lives . he can certainly go hunt me down .. nope . that won't work, he's hard of hearing . can't even talk to his own family on the phone .. can't hear. Nope. Let's see, . aunt lives on that same property . I'll give her # to the hospital . oh wait . no she died . a month or so back . she's no longer living . sure they've shut off her home phone . no need for it, she doesn't live there anymore, she's dead and gone as of about a month or so ago. Well chit .. what do I do? I know my cell doesn't work there . I am .. at least thus far, the ONLY person he has designated as someone they can talk to, . and I'm going where I know good and well, my cell doesn't work. What do I do?
Then I remembered, .. oh R . my cousin that lives across the street .. .maybe he has a cell that works, . he lives there .. maybe I'll ask him if it's ok, can I give HIS cell # to the hospital . explain to him that mine doesn't work there in the backwoods of KY . and that the hospital may need to reach me . and can I give them his cell # .. he'll know where I am . I'll be . along with the many others coming there . on the grounds of my aunt/uncles .. and he lives right across the street . will likely be in and among all of us . but if at home and not mixing/mingling with all of us . can certainly step out and holler across the road that I have an important call, I'll do that . yea . maybe that'll work.
Reach out to R, cousin . .and yes, that's fine .. gives me his cell # .. and I'll note to provide that .. next week when leaving .. God only knows where dad will be at that point, still hospitalized . sent on to Barkely .. sent back to where he just was . the Rehab site . where .. I don't know, nobody can know, not yet. But wherever he is, .. I'll just give them that cell # .. and go on .. and go on my trip ..
In the middle of all this . got SIL texting me that the staff at the NH where MIL is . .. notified her the missing strawberries . the replacement order, . has been delivered there, and been set aside the requisite 24 hours (to kill Covid germs) and will be given to MIL tomorrow .. and I respond to her: "Ok good".
And next text from her: "Do you know if DH got with J about buying mom's car, . I know the local tag agencies are opening back up there .. J told me .. "
My response: "I don't know . you'll have to ask him .. .I've got my hands full here with my dad's situation"
SIL: "Oh . oh yea .. I've forgotten to ask you about that, .. gotta run go cook dinner, I'll get with you later, to hear about your dad's situation and what's going on".
In a little while she texts back: "Do you know, I had the most horrible time trying to get mom this afternoon . her phone . it would just ring into infinity . and I even called the main switchboard . and it just rang and rang too . no answer.
Me: "Maybe they're having phone troubles there"
SIL: "Yea I don't know, I finally got someone had them go check mom's phone
Had them go check mom's phone .. I finally got ahold of mom a bit ago . she seemed so out of it . maybe she'd been sleeping . she gets like that when she's been sleeping .. do you know . what do you think . as we get ready to sell that car of her's . do you think we need a bill of sale to keep on file for Medicaid . do we need to make sure that DH makes out a bill of sale, and keeps it . and the title, do we need to keep a copy of it".
Me: SIL . you're gonna have to work on that with DH . whatever ya'll think .. I've got more than enough on my plate with my dad's situation right now"
(((all this was ongoing while I was trying . sporadically to get thru in the ER .. to being told the nurse is busy will call you back)))
SIL: "Oh okay, we'll get it worked out, . watching on PBS . something about testing . gonna have to do a lot more widespread testing . that's the only way we're gonna be able to open the country back up . some scientist talking about that's the only safe way to do it".
I set the phone down and walked away didn't even answer that .. thinking . for GOD's sake SIL .. I don't care . at this moment.
Finally then . in a little I call back more indignant in tone now . at constantly being put off there, and that was all chronicled in a different post . how that all played out ... an apex of utter frustration . that whole thing.
Finally just went to bed, so exhausted . from what? I hadn't chopped trees or painted a house or dug a ditch .. but exhausted. Went to bed, .. actually fell asleep . somehow in all this crazy chit .. and then awake at 3 something tossing and turning . and with all the above on my brain .. and more.
Constant coaching myself .. "let it go . just do what you can from phones . and today will be even harder to do with phones, with two yo's crawling all over you . just let it go .. you can't go there, and be on site .. seems like it'd be easier to manage . on site . but that's not possible . so let it go .. just do what you can . not your fault that he designated only you .. and who knows, now that he's in the hospital and not in that rehab setting . maybe his phone lines are open to the world now . and his wife will now begin blowing up his phone and driving him off the cliff of any sanity .. out of your control Dorker, let it go .. not your fault he's at this juncture where the ONLY soul he has designated is you . and you still have other things/responsibilities .. and .. not your fault that his bills and answers thereof . can't be readily had . not your fault, let it go .. not your fault that you planned this trip month ago and life has gone to chit with regard to his whole pic . not your fault go on your trip . let it go".
Just a . .myriad of .. like trying to nail jello to the wall . nothing can be pinned down and dealt with and dispensed with, . w/anything resembling "ok, good got that settled" .. no . it all . like jello nailed to a wall begins to slip . not pinned down and answered to, all of it .. constantly.
I have a question -- if you can access the checking account online, is there a way to see the transactions that happened? That would let you know what gets paid and when by auto-debit.
I hope you can go away and unplug mentally enough to enjoy yourself. Are you sure that you will actually be able to? How many hours away are you going? How would you feel if your father were to die, and you couldn't get there in time? (I think they are allowing visitors if it's an end-of-life situation...or are they?... if it's not a COVID-19 patient. Not sure about this. Of course, he could die at any point even if you didn't go to KY and unless they knew he was at the end, you wouldn't get to be there.)
These are just some things for you to think about; not at ALL trying to suggest what you should do!
I don't have that info online . and a user ID and p/w to get into it, if that even exists on his behalf to access that acct online. I don't have the routing # for that bank acct, .. just the acct# .. all that afforded me was the ability to access the balances associated w/that acct ..
I didn't try it . maybe I should've listened to that phone tree longer, and seen if there is away to listen to perhaps the last 10 transactions . maybe that would've given me a read or a rudimentary glance at what debits if anything . and how monies deposit there ..
I didn't do that .. I simply followed the prompts to learn the balances .. and go that, and was done.
KY is 13 hours away by car. So no, if he was in imminent danger of dying . no . no one would be there . and yes they do allow end-of-life visitors . unless Covid . and so .. I guess . were I still here in town . and them call "the end is near for your dad, you should come if you wish"
I'd be 13 dam hours away . not a prayer of being there. Not that I think I would need that closure . more that I would feel bad for him . to have to die alone ..
But dammit it's not my fault that his life is such that the only designate he seems to think suitable is me. Am I willing to halt my life . to that extent . no .. I have waited 5 years to go on this trip .. haven't for various reasons been able to go attend our family reunion held annually, . for 5 years I haven't been able to go .. and now all this chit ...
It's a hard call to make ... "gee, Dorker .. maybe you better cancel and stay here . you're the only soul in the world that he somehow feels he can lean on in all this . and that's just too far away to be .. you won't be able to be here, at all . and pretty much outta the loop entirely with a cell that doesn't work there in the b'woods of KY .. maybe you better stay home . nix your plans"
Or... "too dam bad .. not my fault this man failed to make things such that I could act on his behalf waving around a POA . and/or put me on bank accts, that I can then address bills that may/may not be hanging out there not dealt with .. not my fault Covid has upended our entire existence, . as to having any ability at all, to go and be present . on site and help manage these things . not my fault that he doesn't have in his wife . someone who would be willing to take the drugs that help dementia patients to hang onto that last shred of sanity . and/or a stepdaughter that maybe can convince her to do so . and let's all work together here ... not my fault that his wife ran off the c'giver that maybe he would've trusted to at least keep me in the loop .. from afar .. not my fault . .any of this dam b'chit . not my fault . so go .. go on your trip . and be dammed the consequences.
Hard call to make. Terribly hard.
Then that's your answer -- if you don't think you would need that closure, then go to KY. (And I fully support you! Remember, I've always been one to say you owe that selfish manipulative father nothing...I have never been able to get the picture out of my head the way he wouldn't pay your mother child support and you and your brother were left to go hungry.)
I didn't realize you'd gotten the info from the bank from a telephone call (I guess I didn't read carefully enough). If SS calls you, will you tell her your father is in the hospital again?
The whole thing is such a mess...say you are out of town, and you get the call that he is at the end of life. Because of his insistence on confidentiality and keeping things hidden from his wife, his wife won't even have the chance to be there with him at the end. That stinks.
I passed that news to her, soon as I was aware of it.
My thinking there,... carted off with chest pains . unstable BP ... maybe the man is on the brink of a cardiac arrest, and going to pass .... better make sure his wife is aware.
But at the same time .. I don't wanna be the one to tell her that news . and her start out in her car, . for the hospital .. (she can't get in . but that's beside the point with her scrambled brain) .. I don't wanna be the one who initiated all that chit storm should that occur ... not only that, . he's in a hospital on my side of town . that she knows zip about.
The woman grew up and spent her entire life inside of what is about maybe a 10 mile radius on the other side of town . and never, even when she was of sound mind . knew her way around any other area of town . .she is certainly not any better with half a brain left, these days ..
If she were to set out with the mindset she was going to get to her husband .. in the hospital .. I can't imagine where she'd end up .. she doesn't know her way around, at all, .. and forget GPS and cell phones and the like . all that so foreign to her.
So, . yea . my goal has never been to exclude his wife from any info .. I pass along that which is told to me, but do so in talking to her daughter, let her daughter deal with her. Not me.
Her daughter, has two homes . 1 in a city about 3 or 4 hours away . and one in a beach community about 45 mins away .. and I never know where she is, .. it's like Find Waldo .. she travels back and forth between those two locales . routinely .. one time you talk to her she's in T Town .. 3 or 4 hours away and you might talk to her later in the day and she's in F Town . beach community about 45 mins from here .. or you might talk to her and find her at her mom's house .. .one never knows where she'll be.
I figured, I'll pass this info on to her, . she can do with it what she will .. if she happens to be at her mom's and her mom feels compelled to get to a hospital she can't even get in .. she can deal with her mom . .or maybe if this becomes an end of life scenario . she can drive her mom there . and they'll let her in . but in any event .. let her deal with it all.
So yea, I passed word along to her ..
She indicated later she did pass that word to her mom (she is at the beach house . or was yesterday evening . who knows where she is this morning) ... she did talk to her mom and pass that along .. and .. yes, her mom ready to grab her purse and set out for the hospital . but as she put it in telling me "I told her, mom you can't get in . they aren't going to let you in, Covid .. so just sit tight . if there's any further word, I'll let you know. Dorker, that's all I can do . if she sets out . and gets lost or gets in an accident ... out of my hands . hopefully she'll do like I said, sit tight".
I didn't argue the point with her. My thoughts . momentarily but then let it go .. "Why in the name of GOD does this have to be a situation where the woman has been so frickin adament that she is independent and fine to manage on her own . why can't this be a situation where there is some loving c'giver at her elbow . and her .. trusting of said c'giver on site . and that c'giver there to soothe and hand hold . and keep her reminded, "No Ms. K you can't go there ... they won't let you in" ..
WHY does this have to be a setting that the dam woman (K) is so paranoid . so untrusting that it's never been one where the above could be what's seen . why? .. why does it have to be that her daughter herself . admittedly can only stand her mom's crazy for about 1 day and then has to run for her dam life and get away from her .. and go grab some gone (sanity of her own).
So now .. you pass the word along to SS .. and she hands it over to her mom . who is just as likely to take off for NC . even though that makes no sense at all, .. because nothing
Nothing the woman does makes any sense. The next thing ya know you could hear they found her at the airport, or the zoo . or God knows what .. that she thought she was gonna do __________________.
But soon enough .. like SS .. ."if she takes off for ____________I can't do a thing about it" .
I let it go.
Can't control that, nor am I even gonna try.
I did what I feel compelled .. a quasi obligation to . which is to keep his wife in the know . in the event that it all turns way south and the man gonna up and die here .. I've done what I feel compelled to do . that is to inform her daughter .. what happens outside of that, I can't worry about.
PS - no kid duty today .. DH .. able to do without her husband .. for a portion of the day and so he's home with their kids for DD to go attend to psych sesh and counseling sesh.
When you are away, they will have way of getting any updated info, since your cell phone doesn't work. If he's still in the hospital at that point, I guess you will be making a few calls from your cousin's phone? Or maybe the hospital won't even call with updates or if he gets released back to rehab? I hope his cellphone doesn't then blow up with calls from them.
Dorker, I was always fond of saying at work "your inability to plan for predictable events does not constitute an emergency".
Go to Kentucky. Geez, in the last 5 years of my mom's life, I went to Europe 3 times as well as on several long distance domestic vacations. I worked full time and spent time with my grandkids and friends. Your father HAS a son and step-sister, but he has designated you as his slave child and step n fetchit.
Go to the reunion. Give the hospital your brother's number before you leave. Just go!
Last time he was hospitalized .. a year ago .. SS's husband bought him a Smartphone . and set it up for use. Dad didn't ever care to use it, learn it .. and so it sat unused.
About xmas time this past year .. he wanted a trusty ole . what he's always used . go buy at Walmart, pre-pay the mins . and a flip phone .. and did that, I guess online.
Had himself, new in the box, .. a handy dandy old fashioned flip phone . and wanted me to set it up .. put the mins on it, etc. I delegated that to DD . handed it off to her, . "Tell me when you have it done, I'll give it back to him"
She did so.
Gave it back to him . complete, set up .. mins pre-paid, etc.
Didn't think another thing about that flip phone ..
UNTIL ....
They began .. a few weeks back . having some troubles with their land line . .and .. it not functioning right. I guess they called the cable tv people (the origin of their land line phone service) . .and sounds like they got from those folks a story line about like this, "it's probably your modem, we'll send a new one".
Dad .. (his wife forget it) . has about as much chance of traveling thru the house to unplug present modem . and plug in new one . as my 2 yo g'kids ..
So the thing sat in it's box . unopened . and home phone all screwed up . not working order. I didn't know any of this til I'd gone over there . to help with a few things.
Turns out .. SS's husband had come over . spent the better part of the day there, trying to dial down on . .. when he took out old modem and put in new . it didn't rectify their land line problems . so him now . over the phone (far more able bodied to do such than is my dad) . him now troubleshooting via phone .. as to what steps to next take.
In the end . SS's husband wasn't able to rectify it ..
The land line in their home .. I don't know what's wrong with it, . sounds like it needs all new wiring . from what I'm told .. and cable company won't send rep to do that, til Covid danger past .. no reps will enter homes at present . the story goes.
So their landline .. wonky at best . it may or may not ring if you call them . and if you do get them .. it may also cut you off, mid sentence, . try to call back and it ring and ring and ring into infinity . only it's not ringing on their end .. and so . it's really screwed up. Accdg to SS . she called and begged them .. "Look you have got to get someone to fix this . these are old folks .. with a myriad of health issues, it's crucial they have a phone .. you have got to make an exception".
Answer, nope . not til Covid no longer an issue, no techs visiting homes. Sorry no luck.
Their home landline . an absolute mess.
SS now .. "ok, you guys where is the cell phone, this home landline is really unreliable lets find that .. where's the cell phone"
Dad then produces from the side of his chair, trusty ole fashioned flip phone . that is DOA . no battery.
SS: "Where's the charger"
Dad: I don't know ... I guess that ole c'giver that we had that was forever moving things . maybe she put it somewhere, I don't know
SS then sets about to try to find said charger. She found a drawer that has old ...... obvious electronic cords of things . and tried everything she could find . unsure if one of those might be the actual charger that came with the phone .. plugged it in.
Ck'd it upon her arrival there again, . and the thing had 0 battery . so obviously that's not the charger .. and so .. now looking again . high and low . and no battery charger to be found for said cell phone.
Her then to her mom: "Ok, well this thing . it's an old flip phone that probably nobody even carries a charger for it, .let's get you a new phone"
As SS put it, I gave up Dorker .. "mom with her, I don't need a cell phone, why do we need another cell phone B has one"
SS: But mother his doesn't work ... there is no charger
K: No, what? What is a charger?"
SS: Mother, .. that phone isn't
that phone isn't going to work mother . we need to get another phone . that one . you guys paid what $15 for it .. we just need to go to Walmart, I'll go get one . we'll see if we can xfer the mins from it . and get another one ..
K: "No . we don't need a new cell phone . the one B has . he got it at xmas it was new .. we don't need another cell phone, we're always here together, I'll just use his"
SS: MOTHER IT DOESN'T WORK ............. it's not going to work!
K: Well, why not
SS telling me, I gave up Dorker .. I don't know.
All that to say I landed there days later unaware of the above . and also .. knowledgeable they were having landline home phone problems . and the explanation then of what had been done to try to remedy that, to no avail .. and me now .. "ok, where's the cell phone" . and dad with a "Oh I don't know the thing is dead, it won't charge".
Me going about trying to plug it in somewhere else, thinking the electric outlet wonky . and that didn't make any difference .. and .. not realizing it may be the wrong charger for that phone . and thinking . maybe I can call and get a new battery . shouldn't need one, the thing is fairly new ..
I call the place that I deal with for such things. "Oh you're not gonna find anyone that carries batteries for that kinda phone . those are so old and nobody uses them anymore, nobody stocks those".
Okay
Then I start . (what I didn't know had already been traveled w/SS's visit there) "ok dad . need to go get another phone at Walmart . this one is useless".
That then brought forth K's protests . not wanting to spend the $15 or whatever the cost is for one of these cheapie phones .. and I gave up.
Only later, did I, in passing mention this whole saga to SS who then explained all the above.
So all that to say . they have at their home . a wonky landline system that techies won't come to the house to re-wire until Covid is over . and a cell phone that is absent it's charger .. and so, is useless. So no . not like he has w/him in the hospital/rehab or anywhere else, .. a cell phone that they utilize to blow up . one can only reach him via the hospital/rehab phone . and as his status as "confidential" . when he was in rehab . . that wasn't even possible . one had to go thru the nurse desk to get to him on the phone . and I had a p/w .. or they wouldn't of put me thru.
I will provide my brother's phone # .. who for all practical purposes (explained many many posts back) is out of the loop on all this. He, also, not the one designated by my dad .. as step n'fetch and slave child .. but .. I'll provide that # . and if he answers or doesn't .. not on me.
And I already told SS I'd be leaving town Thursday of next week for a long wknd . didn't offer any means (nor did she ask) . of how info would get updated .. we didn't talk of that.
Of course, today is Friday .. I don't leave town til Thurs of next week .. God only knows where the man will be at that point in time, in rehab . still in the hospital .. who knows, nobody knows, at this point.
Has he still set himself on confidential in the hospital .. I don't know, haven't asked .. and that's up to him . if he has failed to do so and his phone there in the hospital is blowing up at his demented wife repeatedly calling him . he can tell them he wants it to stop .. I'm not handling that . up to him.
YD works (she is off at present and will be thru the wknd . so .. she is not on site) . but she works at the same hospital where my dad is presently inpatient.
In passing . she hears .. "They won't let me in there".
She chimes in: "Uh . mom . they are allowing 1 visitor per patient . you can go . they'll wand you . to make sure you don't have a temp before you can get in . and hand you a face mask you're required to wear . but . they ARE letting patients have 1 visitor"
Me: "they are, they told me on the phone they aren't"
YD: "Well maybe you were asking ER and I don't work in ER so I don't know . but on the patient floors . they are . they are now allowing 1 visitor per patient . and so . you can go if you want".
I haven't dialed down on that, unsure if I even wanna go there . and be in the same room w/his anger/frustration and so forth.
Maybe it's easier . to stay home and do what I can (limited as that is) via phone ..
Unsure.
If you don't want to go in-person to see your father, tell him you haven't been social distancing. I know you think you and H had covid-19 earlier (and that could very well be the case!), but you don't know for sure. Although DD originally was maintaining social distancing, she was desperate to have you babysit within a few days, right? And she's been going out to stores, and who knows what else she was doing when you were babysitting for those days and half days. And then there's your YD, who is working in a high-risk situation right now. Temp checks are pretty well meaningless, since they are only good for that point in time.
And you're going to KY, and what's the story there? Have they been social distancing?
I know you think this is all overblown, but it depends upon how careful your state has really been. Interesting that the cable company won't let their technicians come into any houses.
Before all this turned south in the way it all has in the last week or so . and the whole phone saga ..
I remember feeling when I left there . the refusal to see to any new cell phone, xfer of mins, etc .. and that battle that I gave up on. I remember driving away from there and thinking . "gee ya know, . when people get so old that they don't even understand comprehend the need for reliable communication and what that should look like there should be a means of pulling a switch that then drops them hastily right into a LTC setting . no questions asked.
So many indicators of reasons why it's no longer a safe setting for them to live in their home .. so so many.
But that one . a glaring one.
Her very very aware the home/landline is wonky . and frustrated by the fact no tech will visit to adequately repair it, frustrated by that .. that much she can comprehend ... that and the fact the thing is not all that reliable until someone will come fix it.
But it gets lost on her that we do have other means of communicating .. a cell phone . yours happens to be unusable .. it doesn't have a charger . and since you guys insist on using a phone that hasn't been in use since the 80's .. that style of phone . .you're not gonna find parts for it .. spend the frickin $15 .. get another one.
That all lost on her, her stuck on "We have one . why do we need another one" . and repeated attempts at explaining it to her . to no avail ..
And dad who can understand such concepts far too compromised to argue with her . and so . it goes unspoken to . this whole phone thing.
Some people should not be living in their own home anymore.
Of course, Covid then popped into the whole thing.
I'm trying to remember ... I think at it's height . there were probably upwards of maybe 100 of us there .. give or take.
Thru the years . some have died off, . some have gotten to infirm to travel . others . now more to the point with Covid . have their own immuno compromised issues and so are not coming at all.
From the sounds of it, . there will be reduced .. in large measure .. attendance of those of us coming. We all stay in hotels .. and this is so far back in the sticks and hollers of hillbilly country (If you ever saw the Loretta Lynne movie, Coal Miner's Daughter . it was filmed .. that movie, right there in the next little town .. to where I'll be) . this place is so rural that hotels are not anywhere close, but that's where everyone stays, in hotels, that aren't closeby. My hotel is about 45 mins to an hour away from where I'll be spending the day or two gathering with family (such that attend anyway) on the grounds of the acreage where an uncle lives . and his sister . used to live . died a month or two ago.
I'm sure it won't be the same . .as I've always known it .. in attendance, . but also in the big warm welcoming hugs .. of folks you haven't seen in years .. elbow bumps .. I'm sure.
And all of us . as is usually the case .. fold out your lawn chair . and have a sit . .and visit with one another .. and have a cold soda .. and just chew the fat .. for a while. Part of it, is to also go to the family graveyard there on the side of a mountain and honor the departed ..
How much social distancing will there really be, and who among the folks I will be mingling with has been where . .and exposed to what? Can't be known really .. but .. I'm going ..
No one will be there .. (they've already decided they aren't coming, if they're too old, or maybe have their own compromises as to their health and too risky for them) . no one that will be there, is someone that I feel a sense of "oh dear, now I must stay away from Aunt Pitty Pat . she's so old .. I can't get anywhere near her .. I may be carrying that Covid bug and don't even know it . and could get her sick) .. ole Aunt Pitty Pat . has already decided she's not coming . she's too old and too many health problems . as have some others who've made that decision . decided too.
But a trip to the mountains for me .. is my heaven on earth .. if I were to ever be given a lottery winning .. and a "oh now you can buy a house in the Caribbean and live the good life" . my response would be "No thanks, I'm buying a house in the mtns". The mountains are my happy place, for whatever the reason.
So I'm going . and any worry that I might be carrying that Covid bug with me .. and infect someone .. well others there too, could be the same thing .and infect someone . even me. But I don't get all overwrought .. about a virus that is .. unless you have other health issues (and I don't, as is the case with most that have decided to come) .. mostly survivable.
That was a read and a half.
Dorker, do NOT cave to dad's crazy and start looking for stuff he lost and doing things he can't do. He had more than ample time to prepare for aging--and he chose not to do anything, it sounds like.
IT'S NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to make everything OK for him. Period. Not only is it not your problem, everything you do for him and K seems to upset them more and more. It's not you--it's aging, dementia and cancer.
You are NOT abandoning dad. You NEED some time away---and I truly hope you take it.
Dad is in the hospital refusing to talk to anyone but you--that's mean and self serving. After ignoring you for most of your life, he now wants you to step up and make everything OK. And you can't.
It sounds, sadly, like your dad is not long for the world. He is slowly, but surely marching towards death. Just since you stepped back into his life he has decompensated a LOT. Barely functional, now. I don't know that you are seeing this for the mess of bills, crazy step mothers and the drama of your own family.
This is SS's problem, I think. She has been involved in Dad and K's lives. You haven't. You've already done far more than anybody else would have done.
Please take better care of yourself!! Emotional stress will eat you up, trust me, I know.
You have a contact for when you are out of town. I hope they don't need to use it. If someone other than your dad needs to call you, be sure THEY know you are 13 hrs away and not able to do much from that distance.
I truly hope you can take a giant step back and get a new perspective on all this. You may not have a 'Dorker' of your own, as I don't have a 'MidKid' of my own, so we have to learn to self care. (I'm still trying to learn how to do this :)
Hugs--and try to have a calmer weekend.
Not your bills, not your bank account. Not SS's either.
K cannot manage the finances or living alone. Dad has not planned for when he could not run the show. Why not? (Hello to my Dad if he's reading...)
SS has to decide for herself how far to enable K at home alone now. She's also focussing on the small stuff & not the big stuff: the cable bill & not the fact she is unsafe to live alone if she can't work a phone. I'd be dragging K off to her Doctor to arrange emergency respite care asap if I were SS.
He may have a complicated estate, and how it is distributed between him and K could be a problem. We read of estate messes, and this looks to be one of those.
He has an attorney. The one piece of information you should be getting from him is the name of the attorney. And then contact him/her and tell them your father's current situation, and see what they say. Make sure that you will not accept POA or executrix or successor trustee responsibilities.
(The most concerning bills are the supplemental health insurance and the LTC insurance. I know that for my mother's LTC insurance, she filled out the names and addresses of me and my siblings. Before her policy was cancelled for nonpayment, we would be contacted so that there was a chance to pay the bill and keep her covered. Did your father do anything like this?)