I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
With an attorney as DPOA there's less worry that K, SS, C could falsely accuse Dad's kids of mishandling funds or trying to make a money grab.
Time wasted on Dad's paperwork is lost forever to you and your family.
If you are doing this to get your father's approval, he might very well never even know all that you are doing because you wanted to make him happy.
I still don't understand why you would ever agree to be DPOA. Of course it's really none of my business, but why would you accept that onerous task? You know it is going to make for trouble with K.
Exposure to answering for same .. a dirty/nasty scenario that I'd rather not contend with though.
As for why I'd even line myself up for same .. I think for me, there is some sense of ... at least wanting to give my dad .. (yes I know he doesn't deserve my time/attention, some might say ... covered that ground . that's not me) .. but some sense of giving my dad back the "dignity" ..of being able to command his affairs in the way he deems appropriate maybe ...???....
True enough that he's had years . of when he was healthy and able bodied to control his affairs how he saw fit and he either didn't do it because it was easier than fighting his wife .. or because it just didn't work that way .. or because he *preferred* .. to let her run the show .. whatever the basis there.
For years .. she .. it would seem .. ran the show in their world . and that .. I guess was his choice, all these years to let her do exactly that.
At this juncture in his life, old/sick/frail/ailing .. he has at least put voice to .. wanting to have me named DPOA .. (remember I gave him the option to .. if ya want .. just lump it altogether and let C have at it, he declined). Maybe in me, its a sense of wanting him to have the latitude at the end of his days . if that's his wish ... to command his affairs as he'd like it ..
I think that's kinda what motivates me, ..
Now .. some might say of that notion .. "well too dam bad . your dad has had years and years when he was healthy and able bodied and in those years .. he pushed you to the periphery of his life .. what makes you wanna even give him a modicum of attention at this point in yours ... ".
I get it, . some would use that as their approach. That's not me, to kick someone when they're down .. is how that would feel to me.
Thus .. I am (was) willing to try to help .. as best I can .. to get to that end. BUT .... I can't make magic happen. If his wife wants to stand in the way of any/all that he'd like to achieve .. I am no one to stop it . he has to do that.
If he continues to live out his days on this earth ... the last of them . letting her run roughshod over his wishes .. and not standing up to her (little late for that, in his frail state) ... then so be it.
He knows, he was told, .. "get me that photo ID . we can proceed".
I haven't hounded him .. and I won't. Nor have I reached out to stepsister or stepmom . to try to finagle my way into that hh to grab it.
He may be too sick/frail/battle worn at this point, to wage that war. Maybe he'd like me to put on the wolf hat and go at it, . but I made clear that's not gonna happen.
He wasn't always so sick/frail/battle worn. He certainly is now .. by every stretch he is. And it may be too much water under the bridge to expect he can stand in that fight .. and get anywhere at this juncture, .. so as he lived .. he will die.
I think though, for me .. it's a modicum of wanting to give him (no, he probably doesn't deserve it .. my time/attn) ... the last days of his life on this side .. what he has expressed a want for .. to command his affairs how he sees fit, and without his wife running the show .. to exclude me and my brother. Wanting to try to honor that for him (even though he might be given the bird finger by some) ....
But .. I have my limits .. as I said the other day . the yellow bedroom .. not open . managing his wife .. and keeping her in the loop .. not on my watch ... going there w/my wolf hat on and elbowing my way thru their HH to gather items he's asked for, not gonna happen.
She doesn't wanna cooperate .. and get on the page .. then .. I guess your life will be as you lived it .. with her in command and all that you want for your last days .. won't happen .. as was your life.
Interesting he said to me yesterday at my visit . as we worked thru that 13 pages of documents the atty wanted .. and he said to me,
his words to me: "K already has her's done.".
Me: "Her's what .. ??.. DPOA?".
Dad: "Yea, she has her's done she and stepsister have that all in order already".
Me, looking up from paperwork, with pause: "And . you didn't think that maybe at that time, it was best if you do the same?".
Dad: "I think I didn't realize how fast I could become incapacitated ... it's all happened so fast".
Me, looking back down at my paperwork: "I dunno . .that cancer dx dad . that was a knell if ever that was one, to get on it".
No response.
Didn't say it to him . but back to my point ... some tug at me .. within myself .. of a .. oh I dunno .. *So let me get this straight ... so K . she gets to .. w/her diminished mind that it is ... somehow she and stepsister have managed to work their way thru and get in order, her affairs and name stepsister as DPOA or whatever it is they've gotten done . but she gets to stand in interference to what it is you'd like done ... hmm ...."
Didn't say that part to him .. but .. speaks to my point . . that for me, it does hearken a sense of .. (even though he wouldn't get the time of day from some) ... let me at least help him at what is th end of his days . to have some semblance of calling the shots how he wants it .. for once.
If he doesn't choose or isn't able to get that photo ID (I suspect that will be the case, . a wall too high to climb for him . at this juncture in his frailties) .. it just won't get done. Not even an atty can sign on for POA .. to do it for him .. absent any means of identifying him.
I just had a phone call here at the house, from stepmom. I typically .. during this malady .. have avoided answering if she calls. But I guess, the slight idea popped into my head .... maybe dad has spurred her on to finding that DL . and she has it at the ready for me, let me answer it, which I do not normally do.
Sheesh oh man!
Stepmom: "When you went to see your dad earlier, did you find him slurring his words?".
Me: "earlier when? I haven't been there to see him".
Stepmom: "You didn't . he said you were there".
Me: No, . not today .. I haven't seen him or talked to him at all today".
Stepmom: "Oh well that's odd, he said you were there".
Me: "Nope not today .. haven't even talked to him today".
Stepmom: "Well do you know if your brother went there last night .. I talked to him last night . and he was really slurring his words, .. sounded drunk .. I mean I know he's been awfully sick and some of the times I've tried to talk to him .. it's been nearly impossible .. but more recently .. I've been able to talk to him and he sounds more like himself, but not last night .. boy howdy .. he sounded drunk .. and he asked me to talk to him later".
Me: "No, I don't know of my brother having come to visit him .. in fact, I talked to my brother last night and he was at home ... he wasn't here in town".
Stepmom: "Oh .. okay .. well he said your brother was coming to see him . and I just hoped .. against all hope that your brother wouldn't be bringing him anything".
Me: My brother hasn't been here .. but bring him what .. ???....".
Stepmom: "Like drugs or something".
Me; "Why would he do that? Oh and btw, I talked to the docs about the concern he takes too many pain pills and they say they don't see that as any issue, but my brother .... !!!... bring drugs?".
Stepmom: "Well you never know Dorker .. you just don't know, once a druggie always a druggie . and they're sneakier than you can imagine .. who knows .. maybe if your brother brought him drugs . or I don't know .. maybe your dad snuck some of the drugs he has with him when he left here".
Me: "What? He was taken out of there about 3 or so weeks ago by EMS .. I doubt seriously he had any drugs on him when he was carted outta there by EMS .. but . not only that, . he's spent the majority of that time in a hospital gown .. and nothing of his own to even have with him".
Stepmom: "Well I don't know, like in a suitcase or something".
(((At this point, it's almost comical to me, so I humor it .. only because I just wanna see . this woman is so many screws short of a tool box)))
Me: "Suitcase? Did you pack him a suitcase when he got carted outta there by EMS a few weeks ago?".
Stepmom: "No .. when EMS took him they were in a hurry here, . .no he didn't have a suitcase".
Me: "Well then how would he have gotten any suitcase up there at the hospital if you didn't pack him one . to be squirreling away pills from home".
Stepmom: "oh I don't know, he just sounds so drunk to me .. I know how my husband sounds and he sounds drunk .. I know you wouldn't take him anything .. but he mentioned your brother was coming . and I didn't know . you never know w/those druggies .. they'll sneak things . and you won't even know .. I didn't know if maybe your brother was up to see him and snuck him some pills or something".
Me: "My brother doesn't do drugs anymore, . he is now in management with a Mental Health Counseling service".
Stepmom: "Oh I know he used to do something . some of them would get thrown in jail . .and he'd go out at night to go to jail to see them".
Me: "Yea that was when he was a drug counselor . he doesn't do that job anymore, now he's in management .. in charge of those that do that .. he doesn't go visit jails anymore .. he's now in management, and he's not gonna risk his livelihood carting illegal pills around".
Stepmom: Well I don't know something .. I mean .. your dad . I know when he sounds drunk .. and he
he sounded drunk .. I know how my husband sounds . and that's not him . he sounds loopy .. I just talked to him again and he still sounds loopy .. I just wanted to know if you saw that too when you went to see him"
Me: "I haven't talked to him today at all, . haven't been there, haven't talked to him"
Stepmom: "Well maybe he snuck some in there . when he left here".
(round and round that goes)
Me going there again .. no . he has been moved to so many different places .. he was carted out of ya'lls home by EMS . and from there to hospital #1 .. and then from there to Rehab and from there to hospital #2 .. and now back to Rehab . most of that time he hasn't a possession 1 .. not a single thing that's his in his possession . not a thing .. so I don't know how he'd be squirreling away pills he's not supposed to have . he's lived in a hospital gown for weeks . and nothing more".
Stepmom: "Well .. I thought he said your brother was there .. and I just .. I know you wouldn't take him any pills .. and I Just wondered if your brother had taken him some pills or something . you never know with these druggies".
Me: "He's not a druggie anymore .. that's history .. and no . he hasn't even been here in town to go see him".
Round and round and round it all went ... and me w/more patience than I'd of figured I'd have . mostly because I just found it almost amusing . her line of questioning.
I only answered it in the hope (I saw on caller ID who it was before I picked it up) .. was hoping that maybe dad and she had touched base and there is now a photo ID at the ready ..
Guess not.
But sheesh oh man .. the woman is out to some other universe, not on this one.
If you can't reach him, call the nursing station and report what K said about how he sounds.
Please.
Called the nurse . asked if they've seen in him any more than is usual disorientation and slurring of words . and shes said he has reported as being alert/oriented today.
Said she will do her round for the afternoon and check that . and let me know .. but that there hasn't been anything noted . and that PT did come and work with him earlier, may be that he's fatigued.
So .. I don't think there's any cause for alarm.
In the effort to expedite things - couldn’t you tell SS that your father needs his i.d. so “they” can photo copy it and put it into his records?
Pehaps it’s a small fiblet and perhaps it’s an effort that you didn’t really want to have to make - but seriously? All this stalling in K’s camp it just maddening - at least for me. At this point everyone just seems to be staring each other down, waiting for someone to blink. I’m all for doing whatever it takes to get this show on the road.
It occurs to me that you might be able to call or go online with the FL DMV and get a duplicate license issued to your dad. It would be mailed and probably can't be forwarded. You might be able to find out how to order one on the phone and change his address as well. That could be useful!
And Dorker, the good daughter part of POA is the Health Care POA. Let the attorney do the financial part- he has errors and omissions insurance as well as professional insurance. You *can* do the financial bit, but it would be *prudent* to have the attorney handle that since there's an adverse relationship. You take on the HCPOA and get him the care he wants. You know the attorney will issue the checks for anything dad wants, but it moves the liability to the atty from your shoulders.
surprise: "Let the attorney do the financial part- he has errors and omissions insurance as well as professional insurance. You *can* do the financial bit, but it would be *prudent* to have the attorney handle that since there's an adverse relationship. You take on the HCPOA and get him the care he wants. You know the attorney will issue the checks for anything dad wants, but it moves the liability to the atty from your shoulders."
I don't understand why your father's "dignity" in choosing you makes any sense. Is he going to be happy knowing you will have to be tussling with K? Is that "dignity"? Surely you see the probable multiple pitfalls ahead? You've written here multiple times how difficult K is and how she doesn't want you doing anything for either of them. Is your father's assigning you as DPOA anything to do with getting back at her, maybe subconsciously? ("See, K, my father wants ME to be the one who takes care of the bills now! Daddy wants it, and I'm going to DO IT!")
Don't you want your father's final days to be ones where you provide emotional support? It won't be that if you are also DPOA. You will be tense, and you know you get (rightfully so!) so angry about K). After the all the floods that have gone under the bridge of your father's and your relationship, it could all end with a miserable torrent of K involvement and leave you miserably soaked.
I know it is none of my (or anyone else's) business, but we all see such difficulties for you if you become DPOA. We want it to be better for you. Your father's affairs will be competently handled by a professional without exposing you to K's irrational behavior towards you. Your father would be showing a lot more dignity and class by agreeing to that.
Where is your "dignity" in all of this? Why won't you allow yourself dignity and only be his HCPOA?
Are you going to ask the attorney about wills and such while he's there? Then again, I'm afraid your father would want to name you Executrix, and you would agree.
I've wondered too if part of you maybe just a little bit wants to get back at K. I don't blame you after how she's treated you, but just try and look at the big picture. What is going to help your dad the most? I think it would be having the peace of mind of knowing things are handled with as little stress and conflict as possible, and having his daughter and his son as his advocates in getting good care and just being there for support as his daughter and son period. That would probably be the best gift you could give him.
I know that old people typically have some fragile skin .. that is very much the case with my dad. But has anyone heard of poor nutrition exacerbating the fragile skin issue?
My dad's skin .. it's worse than tissue paper thin . and .. as is the case with a lot of elderly . he takes the blood thinners .. he has so many tears and bruises and pokes .. and it's just horrible.
If I'm not mistaken the doc the other day mentioned as we discussed some of what ails my dad . and she spoke of (he was having to, for a little while, have a rectal tube . the c-diff . and the chitapalooza that resulted, scalded his skin . and so that had to be dealt with but had to stop further irritation of that skin that was damaged) . but just in general his skin is in such poor shape . and the doc the other day talking of what ails my dad, the many things . and she mentioned something in passing as we talked about, . we were kinda sorting thru my questions on why he is still retaining fluids .. when we know it's not heart related, via the heart cath done. She then listed some items that would be at the crux of that issue, one of which was proteins being thrown off by red blood cells, due to poor nutrition .. went on from that to say .. obvious he hasn't had much appetite . been too sick .. but .. .that can be seen in elderly that have poor nutrition, also mentioning in that same line of thought . his fragile skin . and the impact of poor nutrition
I didn't ask, but have known for some time, .. him living at home with his wife who is his c'giver, . and she of dementia .. I know, he has mentioned it to me, that she doesn't think to fix food . not even for herself (for her that works great, .. as she's always had a weight problem . and .. as such, not eating, not being hungry . not remembering to eat, has some splendid results . she's dropped weight like crazy) ... but in her demented mind .. the fact she forgets to prepare anything of sustenance for my dad, who has always bordered, all his life, on underweight . and certainly more the case now . in all his ailments .. is n.o.t. good.
So . .I just wondered if anyone else has heard that whole thing . that poor nutrition .. among other things . can it cause that severely fragile skin, or contribute to it?
On the whole DPOA thing .. per a phone call from my dad this AM .. his wife has the DL ..
I had already (unbeknownst to him) reached out in a text, to C and stepsister, who .. last I heard . would be in town today to go to the HH of my dad and stepmom to sort thru/organize some billing matters. I had earlier, this AM .. reached out to her, to list the items my dad instructs as needed, . DL, . LTC Policy, checkbook . and the whereabouts as he describes they'd be.
Then my dad called, after the above, to report he'd been on the phone with his wife, and she has the DL . found it.
So .. didn't work out the logistics of how I'll get that, and the other items . but .. at least we've gotten that far.
In the b'ground my brother was working with a private investigator who is a friend of his .. and that PI .. able to get said DL . if needed, a copy of it ..
But maybe it won't be needed via PI .. maybe now that K has it . and Stepsister can get it, . then we can proceed.
Interesting just in chatting with my brother on the whole piece about, "ya know .. I do .. kinda at times, wonder if I even wanna sign on for this .. and how contentious it could get" .. and from there, dig thru some of the history of our lives .. thru the years, as peripheral presences in theirs .. (dad's and stepmom's) .. and .. some of how all that looked, we as youngsters .. but even beyond all that, .. and weighing some of that out with him. He, .. who like myself, knows that history better than anyone.
My words to him: "just throwing it out there B ... but ya know it has occurred to me .. you know as well as I do . what a peripheral presence we've been thru the
thru the years as to their lives .. always kept firmly on the sidelines . and .. ya know .. even before that as youngsters .. we were the 3rd rate red headed stepchildren in every sense of the term .... both of us .. and treated as such . and while yea . that was probably stepmom at the helm of all that, . our dad . .was complicit in it, and didn't stand any firm ground that we be treated otherwise ... you know that book as well as I do, probably better, being that you were the malcontent of the two of us .. I do .. at times . question if I wanna align myself with being DPOA .. when you consider how much contention this could bring in his wife . who .. .. really .... has shown herself to think less of you and I, . then maybe the slug on the front porch ... and the possible contention and consternation that could come about .. ya know it is possible . that an atty be assigned as DPOA . and all his financial affairs, handled outside yours and my purview .. and .. it's something I've pondered".
My brother: Yea . you know, .. the fact of the matter is .. we were, . yea me more so than you, as the malcontent .. I couldn't of been an easy kid to raise that's for dam sure ... and so I was always at odds with her, .. still am .. and ya know, .. dad didn't make the right choices in allowance for that kinda treatment, that's for certain .. but .. ya know, what he's asking for is that you and I align ourselves appropriately to see to his bills . and so forth, I think that's doable .. I'll do it if ya want .. on my own . if you don't want to ... no .. we don't "owe" him anything at all ... neither of us . considering how he pushed us to the periphery all of our lives .. no .. but .. I just know that I let go of all that a long time ago and don't wanna live in that space and harbor resentment and anger for what was a long long time ago .. and so .. if that's something I can do to help the old guy . then I'll do it".
He went on to describe some of what I've also imparted here, being the bigger person in all this .. and not . his words, "match ugly for ugly" .. and rise above it.
He and she, truly like oil and water. At least with the relationship with me . there is at least . the perhaps feigned facade that I'm not less than. She does .. with him though .. she considers him about the same level as the slug that night crawls on the front porch or worse.
Explaining to my brother .. the legal ramifications of .. a scorned spouse . (which is how she'll perceive it) ..
My brother: "Doesn't she already . .. didn't you tell me she already has DPOA in her daughter, that's already been done".
Me: "That's what dad tells me yea".
Brother: "And so .. why does she get to stand in opposition to what dad wants done as to his affairs ... she set up what she wanted, ..at least if dad is accurate .. and she has her daughter as DPOA . why can't he do the same?".
Me: "I don't know, you know the ramifications there .. I mean if she's being greedy somehow . perhaps she wants our grubby little hands out of their affairs . so that she can gather all resources to leave to her heirs .. maybe that's her goal ... I don't know".
Brother: "Well, .. IMO .. what are dad's wishes as to how his things are handled, ... it's not up to her .. just as she has it set up . .for what she wants with her affairs . so dad has asked that of us . and I for one, am willing to do it".
Just interesting running all this past him . who lived it, . maybe with a harsher hand dealt him than did I, always the compliant one .. him not so much.
The poor man needs peace, tranquility and lack of contention. He is ONLY going to get that with a professional handling his affairs in a business-like manner, not his adult children wrestling with unstable and stonewalling Stepmother.
You make your own choice, absolutely, but stop thinking that this is about doing "the right thing".
I'm not sure my memory is accurate, but didn't your father only want you as DPOA, and you said your brother had to also be POA, or you wouldn't do it?
Haven't you said that your father has spent money for attorneys when your brother had to get out of his scrapes? And didn't he grease wheels to get him reinstated at college? I say this is good enough reason for your brother to become the one who handles the bills. He's said he would. Let him do it. He owes more to your father than you do.
ETA: Barb has posted while I was composing my post. She is so right in that the "bigger person" "I am not like that" type of wording is humble bragging. I hadn't thought of it that way, but she is right!
And if it didn't work out for her brother to be POA, they could always then give it over to an attorney, right?
She needs to stay out of being DPOA because it will lead to mistrust from K who will harass dad and cause no end of contention for the poor man.
Your last comment is spot on.
Dorker, you KNOW this is the end for your dad? Nobody SAYS it, but as you report his worsening condition--it's almost as if you are ignoring the giant elephant in the room, which is, he is in the end stages of life. All this wrangling and calling and texting and (sorry to say) arguing is not accomplishing a single darn thing.
I would refuse to do more than visit and be of comfort to him, if that is what brings him peace. Frankly, he sounds sick, angry and no longer in control and he's hating it. I would not want to have one single thing to do after he passes except be there for K if she wants you. Being DPOA is going to put you in a position of years of battling K.
Y'all are obsessed with his pain med 'problem' but nobody on his CG team is. He is probably in a LOT of pain, day and night. He's angry, b/c he thought he'd never die. The thinning of the skin--my poor FIL was swathed in gauze from shoulder to fingers, with a broken collarbone--I had to change those dressings 3 times a day and they got WORSE rather than better at all, b/c he was so malnourished.
Nobody can stop you from the continuing drama that trying to get his basic paper work is causing. This should be a lawyer's problem. You should be simply there for support.
Even with only about 1/2 of her cognitive abilities, K can handle this. She has support and she IS his wife, which makes her in charge, unless she is deemed incompetent and I bet she could pass a competency test.
I sound mean an uncaring, and I'm not. I think you are wonderful to step back into the life of someone who was flat out abusive to you. That takes a lot.
BUT--you have your own personal family drama and that needs to come first.
My own DH has to rein me in all the time as I get too involved in things that are none of my business and will ultimately just cause me pain.
Please take a day to think this through, Heck, take a week. Sounds like you are stalled at every point--and the short time you still have with dad shouldn't be fraught with drama at every turn.
You know I care about you? We all do. Please go back and re-read a lot of these posts and internalize the advice given.
We did have some decent moments over the years so I suppose that’s why - as I hit my early twenties I was able to see him in a different light - understand him better and realize that he did the best he could.
This lead us into building a new relationship and after a few years my dad had became my best friend. I came to adore my father and for the next 25 years we remained very close.
The morale of my story? Dorker doesn’t have a few years, more than likely - to forge a new and better relationship with her dad. Dorker has the here and now and perhaps this single path to develop something with him that she can look back on after he’s gone. I honestly believe that whether she knowns it or not - this is the motivation for acquiescing to her fathers recent requests.
Fact of the matter is - only time will tell whether this will be something she comes to treasure or to regret. I can’t say I blame her for wanting to try. Even if she doesn’t know that’s what she’s doing.
Or not.
*psychoanalyst by Dr. Rainmom; free of change.
His kids were SO OBSESSED with working the day to day and fussing that he had healthy meals (which he'd pretend to eat, but everything that went down came right back up)...not being my dad, it was easier to see through all the fussing over stuff that made no difference (he'd lose his wallet, regularly, spend the day trying to figure how to start his car w/o keys) and the sad, but honest truth was that he was DYING and I think I might have been the only person who saw this and respected it.
If he didn't feel like eating I'd make him a slice of toast and a cup of coffee (I do feel kind of bad that I do not know how to make coffee! He must have suffered from the nasty brew I'd hand him!) If he didn't eat or drink, I didn't hassle him. He came to our place about 5xs a week for dinner and Dh never noticed that he wasn't eating anything.
He had done the ONE THING I begged him to do--see an attorney and make a will. I made the appt, DH took him, once, which is all that was needed and so we at least had that in place.
Sadly, watching Dh and SIL sit at numerous bedsides in the hospital waiting for him to pass was awful---and when he finally did, they were taken aback. Immediate chaos ensued. B/C of the will, a lot was set already. 3 adult children cannot put their collective heads together to plan a funeral--can't figure out what to dress him in (no brainer--he was a fire chief for many years, I had already taken his captains uniform to the cleaners and bought new underwear and socks.
ALL the odds and ends of his life (such as what you are trying to deal with, Dorker) just kind of melted away. He had no spouse, so their wasn't a battle over that.
Suddenly, all the things that seemed so critical to his life, were no longer important. DH has mourned his father tremendously. I think, not in small measure, b/c he didn't face the inevitable, but spent hours spinning wheels and tops and not facing the truth.
Anyhoo - Back in Dorkerville...
It occurs to me that based on everything Dorker has told us about her father and his secretive ways - I doubt he would even allow a stranger - attorney or not - to manage his money matters.
“Tough noogies for him” - I hear you all thinking. But it does bring the issue back to Dorker and her “Druggie” brother (more eye rolling). “So...” I hear you all thinking. But it does revive the point that Dorker and her brother don’t want to leave the old guys naked backside out in the cold with his hospital gown flapping in the breeze. For whatever reason or motivation.
I guess I just tend to think - that when it comes to your parents and your children you can’t keep a score card tallying up the disappointments and wrong-doings and at the same time try to maintain any sort of decent relationship. If indeed, that’s what one wants. For whatever reason. It goes back to my much earlier post about being “a little bit pregnant”.
Go into it with your eyes wide open - expect disappointment, ugliness, greed and ingratitude - then proceed if you still have the stomach for it.
But, what do I know? I know that I get it - the dignity thing. Working to maintain my parents dignity was one of a couple overriding factors in all I did for them for all those years. It presented a lot of extra work for me and took me down more than a few rabbit holes - but I don’t regret doing it. I’m no poster child for how to survive looking after ones aged, ailing and crazy parents - just the opposite more likely. But I do know about regret. I guess it comes down to what you can withstand and what you’re prepare to lug around in your bargain Louis Vuitton suitcase for the rest of your life.
But that’s just me.
I think there may be a misconception ongoing that I somehow think .. I have all the time in the world, with a sick/frail dad, .. to waltz off down the yellow brick road hand in hand. That's not my assumption at all. I know . his days are numbered, .. probably a lot shorter than we know. The relationship . distant that it was .. all these decades .. it is what it is. The time left .. to mend it all, and become fast friends .. and bonded, .. was long gone. I know all that, realize it. Fully.
The man is dying .. that's the fact.
Anything I do .. in his interest at this point .. more than he deserves .yes .. is done for a frail old man who has no one .. not a soul .. if I don't. His son . yes .. and in conjunction with the care I extend, we both .. work to that end, . to give him the dignity at the end of his life .. of someone who cares .. someone who talks to staff .. at medical sites on his behalf .. as he is too old frail, to even process the ongoing stuff .. all of it rapid fire, in his perception . and too much to process and understand/retain.
I talk to medical staff on his behalf, . his request, .. as does my brother .. his request. A frail old, lonely man .. whose only ally left in this life is a wife with a scrambled brain . and that's the truth.
I work with . and try to obtain the FL DL . needed to do DPOA . and the other documents that they can more readily get their hands on (SS and her DH) . as they are in and out of the HH of stepmom . not me. She wouldn't give me any documentation anyway . opting with her sugary sweet excuses of "Now I'll take care of that .. he doesn't need to bother you with all this" .. all the while . she's incapable.
As I examine it .. one day the old guy will be gone .. sooner rather than later, .. and what legacy can I live with as to what I did or didn't do .. at the end of his days. Did I suggest to him .. "ya know dad .. I think we'd all be better served, . to let the atty's deal with your financial affairs . and I'll just speak up on medical affairs .. how's that sound" . this man who has been so private that even I and my brother didn't know the inner workings of his life. That doesn't feel right to me .. as to what I would feel okay doing. It just doesn't . . not for what is .. this frail old ailing man at the end of his days.
Do I want to sign up to dance with the devil herself to do so. Absolutely not. Is that a risk . yes it is. But as I asked of the atty .. "what if this gets to be wholly more than I bargained for .. can I quit?". His explanation . "that's precisely why we like for an alternate or even a 2nd alternate to be assigned as DPOA .. that way if you back out .. there is at least one other, if not two . that can step into that role".
Am I going into it with a notion .. "Oh I'll just quit". Nope .. not at all. But more eyes wide open . and if .. scrambled brains herself, creates too much drama .. then .. I may reserve the right at that point . to step down from it .. and I'd do that. Maybe she won't . maybe she of scrambled brains who is slipping herself, mentally . will . one day in the not too distant future . be too compromised herself to even have any comprehension of what's up or down . and I suspect that too is coming fast as his demise.