I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Sounds like you are running to and fro for your father now, including doing his laundry. At least you threw away his chit clothes. So now there's a new scheduling of the POA ceremony?
I was wondering. POA ends upon death. So any bills are no longer an issue, nor is any direction to take for final arrangements (if he hasn't stipulated anything in writing, which he hasn't). If there is no executor, it becomes a big mess, but one which you can play no part in. Am I right in this?
As far as DD goes, yes, there is some tension between the two of you. Just let it sit for a while. She needs you more than you need her, so she will be back apologizing before long.
I can understand her not wanting to fiddle with your Skype issues at night, but she should have just told you that.
Expressing her own frustration with it. She's just not all that into the kid scene .. she'll play with them for maybe 5/10 mins then she's done. And beyond that, they're kind of annoying to her, to have be here as much as they were.
That was one more nail in the coffin as to my mindset of .. "yea, you are accurate Dorker, it's getting to be too much" . just the fact that even YD was voicing displeasure about it . and she's so rarely even here.
That solidified it for me.
I do recall that I was more than generous .. almost every time. If per se, .. DD needed me to be available at 9:30 AM for instance, .. and she indicated maybe she has a doc appt @10 ... I'd tell her to bring them at 8, give herself time to get ready for her doc appt . and have a relaxing time doing so . without the stress of somebody has knocked over something she now has to go clean up or some one is fighting with someone and she has to now go referee .. etc. Bring them earlier, then run back home and take your time getting ready .. and I'll feed them lunch and nap them . so just . whatever you have to do with the rest of your day .. I'll keep them . just get them by dinner time.
I was more than generous and accommodating because I remember those days myself, .. if I just had time to do the things I need to do around what appt I might have .. run by and grab that so and so I need for some recipe from the grocery store, go to my doc appt, go get a rx filled if needed, ... just the "stuff" that one needs to do .. I remember feeling that way when I had little ones. Just to not have to be rushed. So I tried to be more than generous .. and thought it was appreciated. I don't think it was, really, in hindsight, it was used/abused and taken for granted in the end.
Dinner time would roll up on the clock and no DD anywhere in sight. Might try to call her, no answer .... and so I'm now puzzling . hmm .. okay .. well I didn't cook anything for dinner here, been refereeing kids all day .. I'd planned on maybe grabbing a takeout for me and DH . but here I am .. it's dinner time ... I haven't cooked, I don't have car seats . so can't load them in the car and go get take outs . and include them . what do I do. Do I go in the kitchen and just try to stir up something suitable for all of us ... and feed them .. do I keep trying to reach her, . .she knew that I said come get them at dinner time .. that to me, means like 5 or 6 .. and my thinking .. "gee, now I've had them since 8 AM . so you could have the *time* to do the things you might wanna do . don't take advantage . be talking to me .. be responsive*.
That kinda thing happened more than once.
Finally she'd surface, .. call me .. "oh hey, sorry .. I fell asleep I'm on my way" ...
And then get another call from her, "oh hey . is it alright w/you if we run by on our way there, stop and get a takeout for us . and then we can just grab the kids and run home with the takeout without having to stop with them in the car, is that alright?".
Me now .. it's like 6:30 . and I still have to figure out what I'm gonna do to eat .. I don't generally eat when they're here .. too busy . and so dinner time, I'm getting hungry. And it's okay . if this is once a month . but remember this was happening 2 and 3 x's weekly.
So, not okay .. when it happens with that kinda frequency.
It was just taken for granted, far too often. So I made the decision and pulled back . from being so "at the ready".
Of course, after that is when my dad's situation fell off the edge of the earth and I began to step into that more, . and so ..
And so for a month now that he's been fighting in and out of rehabs and hospital settings .. I really haven't been available. I haven't done kid duty in quite some time.
I remember feeling like, "ya know, I'm g'ma and I enjoy doing things with them, fun things . going to do things . seeing/experiencing things thru their eyes ... but I can't even get to where I miss them and strive to conjure up something fun to go do . . because I have them all the dam time .. and I don't miss them .. I want to *miss* them".
Unfortunately .. I still haven't gotten to that *miss them* part, and that's likely because I stay so preoccupied with all else on my plate at present and so .. don't have the time .. or energy to even come up with any notion of what to do that might be fun ..
We had them over for dinner, their family .. a week ago .. and I enjoyed having them. It's like my granny used to say as to family coming to visit "love to see come, but love to see em go too". I get that . that's how I felt. I enjoyed them while they were here, we all swam in the pool and played and grilled out. And they were off to their house afterwards, and it was good.
Ever since DH had his come to Jesus meeting with her husband . .. it's been evident there has been a lot of improvement as to his FOWK .. .he has watched them for her, countless times that I'm aware of . and that's good, glad to hear it ... things seem to be looking better on all that front and I'm glad of it. So ... that too, kept me in the trenches longer than it should've . for a long while, the fact she had no relief valve other than me .. now that isn't the case, her husband, the father of those kids .. will watch them now . and she can leave .. and has done so .. and it works out fine, . as it should be.
I get really miffed at the double standard .... I can't change how they do things .. I can only change how I do things and that I did.
The double standard that her in laws .. n.e.v.e.r. watch the twins .. e.v.e.r. .. have a million excuses why they can't take not even 1 twin .. not even once, . as they waltz out the door with the 6 yo .. every other day .. past the twins that don't get to go, as excuse after excuse is put up .. it incenses me that they allow it ... but that's their biz and I realize that . .and so I stay out of it, . and vow to do what I can and that's what I do. And I backed out of it all, in larger measure.
So, .. hard not to see it all from the prism that she's got an axe to grind with me .. that I've stepped back in huge measure and I have .. hard not to see/feel that there's some hard feelings there. Maybe not . maybe I'm just tired/weary myself and overly sensitive .. but .. sure seems that's the case. That I'm about useless now that I won't step n fetch.
I know that I did the "right" thing for me ... and backed away .. and didn't continue to allow myself to be put in that position .. I do know that.
So ... as was advised here, .. just step WAY back . and let others handle their own messes right now.
My dad .. as we see too often . now talking of returning to his home, rather than the page he's been on .. which was one of going to LTC .. permanently ... now he has turned a corner, .. "oh I will need to go home for a little while .. I can't just make this move right out of the gate", .. to my countering with ... "yes, you can . and you should, .. dad . you do not need to be in that home" and listing reasons why . and him asserting "oh I know that I can't be at her mercy .. I'll bring someone in there" . "yea we've been there done that, .. she isn't gonna have it .. and it will be a daily fight with her . you don't need to return to the home" .. and him insistent he will need to do that.
I didn't push it any further, but I also vowed with that .. okay .. well when I get a phone call at 10 at night, that he's sitting in his own chit . and putting his hands in his mouth and she can't get him up ..
I maybe take the approach that I ultimately took with MIL and all her need .. that I couldn't any longer keep jumping to meet .. I just don't answer the phone at 10 at night from that residence ... Your choice, .. you get to make those decisions .. you want to place yourself back in that dysfunction ... I don't have to agree w/it . but I also don't have to put myself in the position of picking up the pieces of your choices.
Yes, the big DPOA was to have been this AM ..
And the logistics of getting all that in place, . MY GOD .... I mean between working around his PT . and his fatigue level . and getting supervisory approval at the rehab site .. to bring in "others" .. and coordinating the atty schedule/notary schedule, . and the availability as to time slot and what time is it the CM can be available as witness .. all of it, . it took an act of congress to get it all lined up.
Now .. that's not gonna happen. He is at present not at that rehab and hospitalized.
If he goes from here, the hospital... on to .. where we've campaigned for him to go for continued PT .. it will be a LTC SNF .. and that site . does not allow visitors at all, . so it wont' happen there, as to any DPOA . and from there if it's his wish .. to go home . it wont' happen there either, as his wife will make dam sure it doesn't happen.
So yea, .. I'm weary .. and just spent .. really am. Just with all of it, .. all the "need" those that need me .. and the lack of any cooperation/understanding/empathy on the parts of those that do need. Just spent.
So there is a really good chance that you won't get POA at any point. He'll be back home again after rehab (K will have to figure out how to get to where he is to pick him up), and it will start all over again. The next crisis/hospitalization will happen even sooner.
Did your father tell K that he had to go to the hospital?
She seemed more concerned, . something to do with a grandson of her's that is moving . not sure how that impacts her in any way .. but that seemed to be more forefront in her state of mind than did anything else.
So yes, she was aware that he was now in the hospital again .. how much of it registers and the why of it all ... I'm not sure.
And do you know if SIL is prepared to fly to FL at the last minute in case MIL's cloud really is heading towards her now?
Just thinking about you, and hoping that all is okay.
I guess if that could comes for MIL . it will be without SIL in attendance to adjust the cloud for her.
Last I heard (though admittedly my finger isn't on the pulse of the every waking moment of MIL these days) .. the fog had begun to dissipate more .. as has been the case for the last month. That fog moves in and she becomes almost non responsive for the most part, or what she does respond to is gibberish . then that fog moves away and she's somewhat more lucid (somewhat .. relative term). She was found to still have a UTI .. after a course of oral antibiotics . and so .. they then went to some injections(s) of antibiotics .. (?) .. not sure. And IV fluids .. due to dehydration . this because she's gotten to where she chokes on everything nowadays .. and so .. she'd quit eating/drinking really. Evaluated, and now .. thickening agent put in all fluids and foods pureed and help to eat.
In case it matters ... SIL specifically has asked her throughout all of this .. a semblance of .. "Mom we don't wanna keep you around if you're ready to go .. we want to let you direct what you want for your path ... and if you're ready to go . we'll help you do that" to her mom's firm response (delusional ... I'd say perhaps) ... "No, I want to LIVE".
So all the talk over the last year or so .. her in a SNF now . and wishing she could d.i.e. .. and why won't that cloud come for me, this is no way to live .. why do I have to still be here, .. I pray every night that cloud come for me ...
All of it, .. and it's been heard and heard and heard .. I guess as that cloud approaches and begins to envelope her . .it's a story of "No, I want to live" .. and this has been asked more than once, by SIL to her mom.
I'm not sure .. (but granted, this isn't my mom that I love dearly as does SIL with her mom .. and .. how does one do that .. I don't know), I'm not all that sure she is lucid enough to make that call for herself anymore .. truly. She doesn't seem to be, .. ever ... but ... I guess one doesn't .. just pull the plug on someone (delusional or not) .. if they put voice to "I want to live".
Not much that can be done .. I don't guess, other than weather this fog that sets in and takes her to some place she's not reachable .. only to watch it lift again . that fog . and bring her back to a somewhat more lucid place, til it moves in again . and that pattern seems to be the norm these days.
My dad is being moved, as we speak to the next setting of rehab. This will be his 3rd try at that .. the prior two ending in detour to the ER. We'll see how this one goes.
He was, on the previous two stints .. sent to what is kind of a rehab/hospital, short stay setting. This time he is going to (I don't guess he qualifies as present for that *hospital* type rehab setting now) ... he is going to a SNF for *longer term* PT.
It is the setting that was originally talked about, and sort of from the frame of reference that it might be suitable as in .. him transitioning from that Longer Term for PT into LTC or .. his hope .. ALF (if he can qualify for that, as to ability . and that remains to be seen) but also from the respect .. it has a Memory Care on site .. and .. some of these places do not.
So that's where we directed it. But he has since begun to make noise he will need to go home .. and not
Not the originally discussed ... go right from long term stay for PT to LTC and/or ALF .. but go home .. as he puts it for a few days (yea right).
I've voiced my opposition to that .. as has my brother in visits with him .. and the reason(s) why that's a very very bad, unhealthy setting for him.
I think it's about the worst plan that can even be an idea at all. But .. as we all know these folks get to make their own reckless decisions. But those that care for them don't have to be there to pick up the pieces either.
My dad asserting: "Oh I'll have to have help at home for sure" at my insistence his wife can't care for him adequately. His response .. "Oh I'll have to bring in help for certain". Yea dad and we know how that's gonna go ... we've been there done that .. she raises such a ruckus about throwing good money after bad (they have the $ to pay for it) ... that she can do what the c'taker does . why are you throwing good money after bad (but she can't . she isn't capable) .. and she raises such a ruckus about what and how c'taker does things . it's not going to work, you and I both know that"
Dad: "Oh she admits it now . that it's more than she can do to care for me".
Me: "For now .. 10 mins from now she might argue the opposing view .. that she's completely capable and why are you paying someone to do what she's completely capable of doing . and you know that"
Dad: "I'm going to keep working on her, make her understand that if I come home . it's gonna be with the caveat that help is brought to bear there".
Me: "And as I said . she'll agree to that for 10 mins but the next 10 mins it's an argument .. and onward we go .. seen it .. it's not a good setting for you .. she can't adequately navigate and address your doctor needs/your PT needs and getting that seen to, your meds, h377 dad she doesn't even feed you ... her with her whole mind gone and stuck in some place in the past of a life spent starving herself to lose weight .. and now . her mind is in that spot and her not hungry and dropping weight like crazy .. finally in her old age .. and all from a place of .. that whole starvation thing she's done all her life to attempt to lose weight . is now finally her brain's capacity as to eating . she doesn't . and so she doesn't even think to feed you, and you're underweight and always have been!"
Dad: "Well that's true . unless I harp at her about it and stay on her, she doesn't think to fix anything to eat and she's not really capable anymore of fixing anything of any sustenance"
Me with a look on my face of "yea and so ... !!!!....."
Dad: "So that's why she's going to have to understand that there is going to be help on site there".
Me: That's a bad bad idea .. I know the resistance you faced before and you do too".
In the end, it's his decision . and I can't change that. But I also don't have to answer the phone at 10 at nite him sitting in chitapalooza and putting his hands in his mouth .. and ... her insistence he's being stubborn that I need to fuss at him to get up .. (the occurence that landed us here . he wasn't being stubborn he was sick as h377 with a UTI and Sepsis and delusional .. he was trying to eat in his delusional state .. but not aware . that his hands were coated with chit on em .. as he sat in it all) .. and her calling me that he's being stubborn ... I need to fuss at him.
Yea go back home to that. Your choice.
All I've got to say at this point is that thank GOD .. I had the forethought . and yes . this was one of the threads thru it all.. to see down the road as to MIL care, that fight that started some 3 years ago almost .. that I can't keep doing this.
I cannot imagine . had I been blinded enough to open the yellow bedroom to MIL . and had her here to care for .. and all the while, also trying to be a part at all of what goes on in dad's world.
And yes, that did occur to me as I backed away from the MIL plight . for that and many reasons . the
the MIL saga .. I was backing away and I do remember putting voice to that "I have .. not just MIL .. I have my dad . and who knows with my mom . now that she's moved away to an entirely different state . but 3 aged people .. and I can't possibly care adequately for all of them . .and ... so .. I have to be mindful of that .. and what the future might hold".
THANK THE HEAVENS ABOVE I Saw that coming.
Is this the rehab that doesn't allow any visitors?
”...but that their own fears and lack of ability to think reasonably - they are so fearful of being placed in a nursing home or so disgruntled with the rehab experience- that they begin to idealize and/or selectively forget the dismal setting they were living in at home. Their focus becomes singular to one goal - one objective - and that is to go home. They will tell themselves, you and anyone else who will listen that “I can manage”, “I know what needs to be done and I will do it”. Sound familiar?”
Sometimes, I really do hate always being right.
(Sigh)
I'd be curious if the place dad would prefer to go has immediate openings that are available, for folks with LTC insurance.
It might be a selling point to him that he might not be able to get in from home.
He shouldn't go home for the reason you cite Barb .. but also because I don't know what turnip truck it's thought I just fell off of .. but .. once home .. it takes a crowbar and a crane to get em outta there again and I know it .. and most everyone else does also.
BTW, ... just mentioning, DPOA never got done. The AM it was to be done .. appts set, everyone on go .. he'd been rerouted to ER yet again . and in that setting, not possible to coordinate all involved, . .don't allow but 1 guest in that setting.
And now, .. now he is in a SNF and no visitors allowed, .. so .. DPOA never did get done.
But, he is competent enough to make his own bad decisions. Next time K calls you from the site of the most recent disaster, call 911 from home and DON'T SHOW UP.
I'm sure this sounds mean, cold and cruel. But if your dad is in his right mind, the only way you're going to get him to see reason is by leaving him to handle this on his own.
I speak from experience. The only way we got ANY traction from my mom was to tell her that we could no longer attend to her "emergencies". Just the "I'm not showing up for this anymore" was enough to get her to throw in the towel and move out of her isolated suburban home.
Not easy, but it can be done.
I'd been there the day before, .. and was really pretty dismayed to find in him ..
1. He had atrophied badly .. no PT ongoing. Did have, . .at one point, in home PT .. but that had run out it's # of sessions and I know enough to know that generally speaking that then transitions into . now you go to outpatient PT .. that's how it works. That latter part never got seen to.
Why my dad didn't do so on his own behalf I can't speak to . but as to his wife and her capacity to follow thru .. it's not there, not unless one prompts each step along the way .. so it simply didn't happen. He had atrophied to the point he was now having to be assisted to get up out of his chair, by his wife .. who is yes, ... or was .. as round as she is tall at one time, pretty short person, all of maybe 5'1" to his 6'2" at one time. That's the only way he was able to get up nowdays . her assisting him .. and had already fallen and badly scraped his elbow in the bathroom.
2. Had what was pretty apparent to me, a raging UTI ongoing .. I could tell he was far too compromised to . let's load him in the car, so he can go pee in a cup at the doc's office. So I put in a call and begged/pleaded for doc to just call in an antibiotic. They obliged, finally, after some argument .. and pushback.
The next evening is when she called, to report she'd gone out to get the antibiotic the next day (why not that same afternoon, I didn't bother asking, and yes I'd offered to stay and wait for it to get filled at the store, but as always with her .. "no now I can do this .. I don't know why your dad bothers you with all this .. I have nothing else to do but attend to him .. and you have too much to do to be bothered with all this - now I can do that, I'll run get it later". But anyway .. she didn't go get it til the next day.
That's when she called me .. that night at 10 PM .. and would I "fuss at him/scold him" that he's being stubborn . that she has to help him to get up . and he has to help her to help him . and he isn't helping . . that she'd gone out to get his rx earlier in the day and while gone . he'd chat all upon the chair he sits in as well as himself ... and . .she'd been unable, . .squabbling with him all afternoon and into the evening, it now 10 at night .. to get him to be agreeable to work with her, .. to help him to get up .. that she can't get him up all on her own . and he's being stubborn and won't help her.
He wasn't being stubborn .. he was far too ill to help himself to help her at all. It wasn't that he "wouldn't" help her .. it was that he "couldn't". He was far too sick. Too weak.
She wasn't grasping that . and in fact, fought me on any notion to call 911 . which is precisely what I did do.
I didn't go to the ER ... at all.
COVID restricted my ability to do so . .
She'd gone ..and I was honestly shocked that they let her in .. to my knowledge . this was a month ago . to my knowledge . hospitals weren't allowing anyone as a guest for a patient . due to Covid.
I called the ER and was told that no .. unless the patient isn't oriented and needs someone to speak on their behalf, . no one is allowed.
His wife was in there, as a guest ... as we spoke. Shocked they let her in, but they did.
I didn't go at all. Knowing I'd likely get turned away at the door, "Sorry Covid restrictions, no entry".
It's maddening ... she CAN'T take care of him . her brain is broken . it's just that simple . it truly is.
I think his brain is broken too at times. Yesterday for instance, .. I went to the hospital to visit him (that was before he was xfer'd as of this morning to the LTC site) .. he wasn't all that lucid.
No explanation really ... as he hadn't been sedated or anything .. but he had been hauled down to some other area . prior to my arrival there, .. for insertion of what's called a Loop
Loop Recorder. A procedure that takes all of about 60 seconds .. a digital something or other, inserted under the skin, near the heart, measures A-fib (virtually) or lack thereof if applicable ..
Had been hauled to some other area there at the hospital for that small procedure and it's only done under local anesthetic . so it's not like he'd been sedated for it ..
But I found him to be not all that lucid when I was there.
I've experienced in him . which they say happens with elderly .. he stays more lucid .. if left alone in one place. As we know .. with him over the last several weeks . he's been hauled from hospital to rehab . to hospital and to differing sites as to procedures and back to Rehab and back to hospital . and so forth.
Seemingly each one of these "moves" ... transports to some other site, if only for a procedure .. disorients him. He doesn't have any realization around it . not like he says "oh gee, ya know I feel in such a fog here and can't think" . he doesn't really recognize it . but one can pick up on it being in his presence, as he talks non sense about something or other.
He is either going to have to win that war with his wife that there be a c'giver on site (and his history of winning battles with his wife over the 50 plus years they've been married, isn't real good) . he's either going to have to win that battle . and she allow a c'giver on site, to navigate so many things he can't manage anymore .. first and foremost . the follow thru as to doc appts/procedures/tests/PT and the like .. and navigate all that ..
Or
He will, and I suspect this will be the case, . fall thru the cracks yet again . pretty rapidly . back to another hospitalization . and another and on and on it will go.
I look at what all has been weathered, and who knows, .. I don't have a crystal ball . but it all started with what was a UTI .. and if caught in time by someone astute enough to get it addressed and dispensed with .. it wouldn't of gone to Sepsis . and he wouldn't of gotten C-diff . and he wouldn't perhaps have had his lungs fill with fluid . and then had a cardio issue .. and on and on it has gone .. all because he is so compromised and his care or lack thereof . thing spiral to unnecessary depths and pretty quickly.
Seen this chit show before though . in MIL .. and at that time . it was SIL in the distance, harping that her mom needs this and that and the other and to be hauled to this doc and that test and this lab and that lab . and me hollering in opposing POV . that she can't live alone anymore and manage . and all to the "I will manage, now I know what I need to do here, and I will do it" . only she wasn't capable anymore and no one was listening to me.
Here we are again . different players ... now it's my dad and his wife.
Unfortunately for him . and for her, I learned a few things forging those waters previously. One of which is .. I don't have to pick up the pieces of the train wreck they wanna create.
I struggle with trying to understand .. (my brother seems to get it and have more empathy . for my dad . but he agrees with me) .. "Why would he even entertain one moment of any notion to go back there into that setting . he knows dam well his wife is going to fight him til their both bloody as a bull . over having in home help . that's not gonna fly with her .. it won't . and so he will be at her mercy as to his care .. and she can't do it . why wouldn't he want to go where his needs are attended do".
He does so much better in setting where meals are brought to him . meds dispensed .. it gets picked up on as to any hiccup as to his medical condition and attended to .. PT services right there on the spot, and OT ..
Why .. I would want to be where I'm attended to ...
Why go back to that helter skelter crap where his wife is the one expected to be all things to all people and she can't do it.
I guess for the same reasons that MIl was so insistent that "she'd manage".
DEMENTIA!!! That’s why.
Maybe not to the same degree - but His and Hers, a matched set
And - see recent restated post from May 9th as to “why?”
He wants it all to go away. He wants to go back to a place where he is comfortable - where his bed is his own as well as his time and thoughts. He wants to feel better - to be in a place and time when he felt better and everything was simpler - easier.
Thing is - that place hasn’t existed for some time. But he can’t see that now. Maybe he never again will.
Regardless of whether this current vision of home is temporary or permanent - as things stand now - there isn’t anything you can do about it. Except for determining your own place and function in it all.
Things will get worse before they get better, I’m sorry to say.
So if you can't see your father because there are no visitors, you are limited to phone calls. Are you still going to be doing his laundry? Why not let the facility do it for him (even if there is an extra fee)?
If he starts hammering you with his "I want to go home and I will get K to see that we need help at home" mantra, you need to have a reply prepared. You've tried to make him see how it hasn't and won't work, and he still insists that he's going to make K understand that they must have help.
What you have to do is to make sure that you have no part in his going home. You do not take him home, you do not buy him things to get settled at home, etc. You should have no part in it.
short matter of time before dad winds up right back in the crisis cycle. A fall in the middle of the night, a UTI... the perilous possibilities are endless at his age and medical condition.
I (and my brother that lives 1 1/2 hours south of here) are the only two souls that have visited him.
His wife, .. can't find her way to where he is. She knows the little 5 mile radius of where they live like the back of her mind, and could do it blindfolded more than likely. Outside of that radius . she'd get lost .. and I don't doubt that for one second. And, ... she is no good at all, as are a lot of elderly, .. with GPS and so forth. Not only that, thus far, I think she's been held at bay believing that Covid restricts her ability to visit (not true thus far).
Now, . where he is, that is true . it's a SNF and no visitors allowed, but that hasn't been the case, in the prior settings . but she believed it to be so.
I will make it apparent to him .. I have no idea how long he'll be in this facility where he's now been sent .. my understanding is long term, longer term PT .. and what does that mean? How many days? I don't know. I have a small wknd trip planned August 1 .. and won't be available to assist at that time, and no won't change my plans to accommodate.
I have found it curious and don't quite understand it .... His stepdaughter hasn't visited . the numerous times she's come to town here to deal with her mom . not her husband. Nor has his wife's sisters' two of which live in town here. My brother and I are the only two individuals that have made a visit there, and I find it curious not another soul has done so.
I plan to . when/if they have a CM meeting .. I'll voice my opposition (FWIW) to him going to his home .. but that's all I can do.
I too think the DPOA ship has sailed. So be it .. and when it comes to that LTC policy that I never got my hands on .. as a result of no DPOA . .they aren't gonna talk to me ... why would they, .. I don't have DPOA ... or any other legal standing to have access to it .. that or his banking or anything else. Pat response .. "don't have DPOA dad .. can't help".
And on another note .... just annoyed. Sometimes I wish I was like others I've known in my life and quick with a smart azz response where needed .. I'm not. I'm not that quick.
Yesterday .. updating my brother as to where our dad has been moved to, his room #, his phone #, . .and the particulars .. one of those items being, "No visitors allowed". I imparted that along with the other info.
Brother responds (texting): "Ok, thanks for the info, . .hopefully visitors can be allowed soon".
My response to that: Unless the governor lifts the restrictions on NH visitors . that whole no visitor thing isn't gonna lift anytime soon.
And his smart azz annoying response: "I know .. I have a friend who works in a NH .. well aware that visitors aren't allowed, I was referring to the hope the governor will do that, lift the restrictions on visiting NH's".
Would've liked to have had a flippant smart azz remark to respond. I didn't respond at all. I thought it was kinda nasty in tone ..
Just don't have time or patience these days for nastiness. Just don't, . not with me, these days.
Then you would be enabling him to go into an unsafe living environment. The advice on this forum is to have no part in the arrangements to go home if the person writing thinks the (mentally competent) elder's discharge to home would be unsafe.
Standing on the outside and just reading every few days to 'catch up' on your ongoing dramas-it's fairly apparent to me ( and I imagine to a lot of others) that your dad is doing a slow and painful roll to death.
He has cancer. Is he still doing chemo for that? He has constant UTI's and heart issues and balance issues--and now seems to be dealing with dementia....
IF he ever gets healthy enough to go 'home' he'd last a day or maybe 2 before he falls, K can't care for him, she won't allow outsiders in---and you will be back on the hamster wheel of trying to 'do' for him.
My outside view in--b/c he seems quite similar to my FIL, once he was unable to keep food down and was falling on a daily basis--it was time to move him to some kind of FT care. He balked at it. End result, he wound up falling (again) we took him to the ER and his doc simply told him he could not live alone and the Dr. would not release him to home.
FIL died 2 days later. Still talking about going to Spain in the summer, still arguing that he was 'doing better'.
You're NOT going to get DPOA, and it won't matter. Sadly, you've inserted yourself (no judgment, I'd do the same, I'm sure) into his life, and now you feel like you HAVE to try to help.
He's getting progressively sicker. Read your own posts and make a list of all the health issues he's had since the cancer dx. Write them down in chronological order and you will not see an uptick in his overall health. (I did this for my DH who argued with me nonstop that his dad was going to be fine. I just needed to do A, B or C for him and he'd be better.)
I'm sorry this is being so darn dramatic and stressful. And honestly, some people just take a really long time to get to the point where they accept the fact that NOBODY lives forever.
You're worrying about things that really just are not going to happen. He's never going home again, that's almost a fact by now. All you can do is be present for him and love him as much as you can.
I'm truly sorry this soap opera just keeps going. It's truly amazing to me that both your dad and your MIL are still alive.
I hope you are taking care of yourself along this path. I get why you're doing all this, as I am also a "carer" and there's not many of us. BUT--when our own health and mental well being are impacted to the point WE are getting sick...we have to step back and re-evaluate our part in someone's life.
((Virtual HUGS, because, lady--you NEED them!))
The two times I've talked to him on the phone, exhaustion doesn't begin to describe him. They are working him 3 x's daily between PT and OT . and .. while necessary .. absolutely .. for someone who had atrophied as badly as he did over the last several months (no PT ongoing) and then to have found himself as sick as he got.
To be up and about .. and that's an over-statement .. I think about all they can do at this point is get him upright .. and that about does him in.
I've welcomed the respite from it all. I know the whole Covid piece that prevents these folks from having visitors .. it's awful for the patient .. but .. for those that run their legs off for that LO .. it's welcomed. That's MO anyway.
And I hope that H is also having a respite from MIL issues!
Now that he's back in the Rehab setting . his things were dropped off there, inclusive of laundered clothing . and they wouldn't let me come in (Covid) ... I dropped them with personnel there at the door.
I presume they are to do his laundry ... I haven't been asked, . and if I am asked, my answer will be, "I'm sure we can see to it your things are laundered there on site".
DH too .. seems to have backed up a bit ... as to MIL.
It's terribly difficult at this point to visit with her. Can't do so in person . Covid. She used to be brought to the window and a visit would take place via phone .. each on the other side of the window.
But that fog that seems to ebb and flow and envelope her capacity to be participatory in conversing much .. it's become increasingly difficult to "visit" with her. The only way to do so at this point, is via phone . which he has done . but that . with her cognitive decline .. is somewhat troublesome to really reach her .. first and foremost . seems like the phone .. it's kinda lost on her, .. phone ringing and she doesn't get it that she needs to pick it up and push the button ... and so calling her on the phone is hit or miss ..
So Skype is the other option which he has done once, since I finally got it working for him . .and it was a pleasurable visit. Seems like with the two senses of .. sight and hearing . she is more cognizant and can interact better . .she can see who she is talking to . and hear them . so .. seems to make it better.
But they only do Skype visits from 9 to 3 daily and so that makes it a bit cumbersome for him . as he's trying to work.
It's been very interesting to me the dichotomy of all this .. as I watch my dad and try to help and watching what all went on with MIL.
As a good for instance, . dad expressing to me last week .. about some constipation . and Miralax .. and my suggestion to him . ."well that's something you'll want to talk to them about . be sure and mention it to your doc or nurse". And I drop it.
Vs watching what all has gone on with MIL thru the years .. and flares shot up in every direction with every hiccup that goes on . .and calling everyone but the governor of the state to get the light shined onto whatever the issue might be with MIL.
A lot of examples of all that .. to see the contrast . in how it's being handled.
Granted, .. the relationship I have w/my dad is not the relationship that DH and SIL have with their mom .. it's wholly different.
But it's just been a real eye opener .. of how .. just dug in and in the trenches .. as to MIL thru the years . that SIL has been ... absent living her own life it seems .. to attend to her mother's every hiccup along the way .. vs what I do . and not seeing to every hiccup.
Dad expressing to me at one point . they'd gotten him up and into a chair to sit up . and he was weary/tired .. wanting to get back into bed (has to have assistance). I told him . "push the nurse button" . and I left it at that.
If it had been SIL . she'd of been calling everyone short of the governor . to get someone in to attend to that task . rather than leave it with her mom ... "call the nurse . push the nurse button".
Just a stark difference, that is now evident . now that I am on the front . sort of .. as to my dad .. vs watching what went on with regard to MIL.
forum readers there are OK.