I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This is off topic and not about elder care or caregiving, but wondered if anyone here cared to weigh in on the following:
So, I've had my mom and her fiance' here for a few days. They have now left... for my youngest brother's in south FL.
Mom put her condo here on the market. I guess maybe she didn't anticipate it would sell so quickly, but it did. The closing was the other day, thus they moved in here for a few days, and will now go to spend some time with youngest brother in south FL.
The home they have purchased, can't be occupied until December 15th, in SC. The occupants of said home are having a home built, and that residence, not ready until December 15th. So, closing set for that home on December 14th?, ..???....15th, ..??? Not sure.
So, originally the plan was that my mom and her fiance' would go down to my youngest brother's and occupy their 5th wheel camper (both are aged, but no mobility issues .. ).
The above got renigged. Wife of youngest brother, her feeling, "I'm not sure a 5th wheel .. maybe not the best setting for them, going in and out of the thing, .. I worry they will slip and fall, .. and not only that, there are problems with the water heater, .. we need to get that worked on .. and it's not hooked up to any sewage .. and so we'd have to haul it every few days for dumping .. it's just not the best setting ... but hey .. we have our den .. we're never there .. we work all the time, .. just bring your mattress and box springs and set it up in our den .. it's not a problem .. you guys just take over the den .. and use that".
(they do have an additional bedroom, but that is presently occupied by a daughter that has moved back home .. and the other additional bedroom .. has been turned into an office/study area, .. that negates any bedroom space).
So, .. mom took that, mom's perception of the above as that they aren't "really wanted" there. Some hurt feelings ensued behind all that. Feelings got mended in the end. Mom expressing that she felt as though maybe they aren't wanted there, and wife of youngest brother assuring no, that's not the case at all, .. they are more than welcome to come there and take up residence in their den .. that neither are there very much to even use the den at all, .. and so that's fine.
Thus, she has set out for youngest brother's. BUT .. she still has somewhat of a feeling that maybe that isn't the best place for them. That they'll be in the way. Thus, .. the two months she had (originally intended to spend down that way, residing in a 5th wheel, has now been reduced to what she says is going to be maybe two weeks).
They have about 8 weeks to fill here.
The reason they are moving to SC is her fiance's family is all there, all of his grown kids and g'kids, etc. It's rural there, they want a country setting, vs. the "city" where we live, and all the traffic/crime/congestion, etc.
So .. with that in mind, the fact that the previous arrangement would've been two months to fill before they take up residence in SC .. has now been reduced to . what she says is about two weeks they'll probably stay.
They now have several other weeks to fill, before they take up residence in SC.
As a side note, .. they will meander their way to SC .. likely in advance of the time they take possession of the home bought there. One of the grown sons has a finished a basement with it's own entry and exit .. complete with a bed, .. and kitchen and bathroom, etc., and they are more than welcome to use it. They will likely make use of same.
But mom wants to make the rounds here, in FL .. spending time with "her grown kids", before departing this state.
My suggestion .. as she talked of needing to fill some time here .. and where to go, etc.
I said to her, "well hey, .. stay down at youngest brother's a couple of weeks, then stay with middle brother a couple of weeks, and here .. then make your way on up to SC and stay in that son's finished basement".
Mom's response: "Middle brother hasn't invited me to stay there".
I found that most disturbing and angered me. I responded to her, "REALLY?!?!?!, do they know of this dilemma you're facing, have you told them". She said yes, she has, .. and they never said, "hey we have two extra bedrooms, come stay with us for a while".
So .. with that in mind, I texted the wife of my middle brother yesterday. Giving the benefit of the doubt here, that it was just somehow an oversight .. that they maybe need their attention brought to the fact that mom is kinda . at loose ends here, .. and needing to maybe spend some time with each of us, before she moves to SC .. and that she mentioned they'd not invited her .. and doesn't feel right to ask, but would they both maybe put their heads together and see if there's a way, dependent upon their schedules, . and maybe extend an invite.
I got back a snippy/snarky (from the wife, which is generally how we communicate, middle brother works and and goes to school and isn't as easily accessible as is his wife) .. a snarky response of" "Thank you for your text".
I responded to that: "You're welcome. I'll let mom know I spoke to you".
To that, I got a response from middle brother's wife: "Don't do that. We'll handle this ourselves".
WELL!!!!!
See, I suspected .. they don't want mom and fiance' there. At all.
And I think that's rude.
A little b'ground on middle brother. Middle brother is finally pulling his life together. Middle brother .. he used to have a great job in upper management with a major insurance company. Threw it all away, to drugs (meth). Lost his wife, his kids, his home .. everything. Wife of those days also into meth .. and lost her job as a teacher .. had to give up her teaching license (both of them arrested, caught making meth). Yes, I know .. how stupid can you be. These are two educated people .. but they both threw their lives away.
Through many years of struggle .. my brother cleaned up (his ex wife .. I don't know) .. and the kids .. though placed with the maternal g'mother (and me .. for a little while, in the beginning), ... they did eventually, through the courts and mandated programs .. they got divorced, .. and they .. ultimately ended up sharing custody of the kids (kids who are now, just above legal age, at this point).
My brother .. for many of those first years that his life fell apart .. he bounced from bad situation to the next bad situation ..
But ultimately .. he hooked up with a woman he'd had an affair with (the first marriage, always very troubled) .. he'd had an affair in their earlier years of marriage .. with this "older woman". My brother ultimately .. the only thing that settled him and gave his life any footing, he hooked up again with this "older woman", who .. by then .. had lost her husband to cancer, .. and apparently inherited some $ ..
My brother .. now more grounded .. and with this woman .. (the woman who is now his wife, the one I tried to communicate this need to, with regard to my mother) .. my brother did enroll in college again .. and got a Master's Degree in counseling .. and is now working on a Doctorate.
He has turned his life around completely.
I haven't ever cared for the woman he is married to .. but that's beside the point.
So anyway .. all that b'ground for the following:
So my suggestion to mom was that she make the rounds here in the state of FL .. and see her two sons . and myself . before she departs for SC. She responded that middle brother hasn't invited them.
So yesterday I put in that text to wife of middle brother and got that snarky response.
Then last night, .. unbeknown to me, I guess mom did hear from middle brother. His words to mom: "Hey just wanted to let you know .. anytime you'd like to come and visit us between Nov 1, and Nov 10 .. we're available .. but .. you can't bring your cat".
Seems they have a cat themselves (which I'm aware of). They have recently moved themselves .. to a new house. This caused their cat all kinds of trauma and upset and $400 in vet bills later .. cat uprooted to a new home ... the cat chewing on himself, and loosing hair, sick, etc. They now have the cat more settled. But can't have the cat become upset and traumatized any further .. so mom .. come see us, anytime between Nov. 1 and Nov 10 .. but you can't bring your cat.
They knew what they were doing. She's not going to board her cat so she can go see them for any length of time, .. can't afford it .. and just not apt to do so .. not familiar with vets/boarding locales in their area. They know she'll just opt out of spending any time there, and that's a sure fire way to make damn sure she doesn't, .. don't allow her to bring her cat.
Mom has a cat that I keep urging her to put down. She doesn't even know the age of the cat, inherited it .. after it was abandoned by someone .. and doesn't know how old the cat is, but the vet estimates about 18. The cat has arthritis .. is severely overweight, and diabetes (hasn't always been that way, she got the cat when it was much younger). The cat is old, and barely even moves anymore, .. maybe to the litter pan and the water/food bowl .. but that's it. No quality of life left. Doesn't play anymore. I've been urging her to put he cat down .. but thus far, she's not prone to do so. She too agrees the cat is too old and has no quality of life anymore, but just isn't there yet, as to putting the cat down.
Mom came here (she lived with me here for almost a year several years ago, when the whole yacht thing fell apart, referenced earlier, . until the yacht could be sold, and she could buy her own place, the condo that is now sold). She had her cat with her then, and now.
We have a dog here (dog belongs to 24 yo daughter that moved back home).
Mom kept her cat in her bedroom .. to keep the dog and cat separate.
My feeling, . you do what ya gotta ...
Mom is going down to spend time with youngest brother .. they too have a cat. You do what ya gotta, is their feeling.
I am livid with middle brother .. "come see us mom, anytime between November 1 and November 10 .. but you can't bring the cat".
I don't know whether to leave to alone, or call middle brother and give him a piece of my mind.
Mom and fiance' aren't at all incapacitated and so this has nothing to do with elder care and/or care giving .. they get around just fine and have no health maladies (yet).
I don't reslish the thought myself of housing mom and fiance' and cat for two months ... thus my feeling, "hey mom . just make the rounds .. spend some time with each of us", .. but the middle brother puts that condition on any visit to their neck of the woods, and I'm pissed.
He has been married to this woman now for .. oh I guess .. maybe 3 or 4 years. She and he both .. at least initially were all about, "now let's make sure and make _____________ welcome and a part of our family, let's make sure she feels a part of things".
Well this is no way to make yourself a "part of things".
And yes this was her cat, not my brother's.
Just so pizzed! I don't know whether to leave it alone .. or blast middle brother.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. Your mom will figure this out. It has nothing to do with you, so let mom vent and let it go. I wouldn't even weigh in with a "that's so rude" comment.
You gave yourself the best advice: Leave it alone.
Your brother has basically risen from the dead and gone into one of the helping professions. Reading through his history, my first thought is that there are probably some "family of origin issues" between brother and mom that remain unresolved. His wife is aware of them and doesn't want to upset the apple cart by having mom stay with them.
Okay, so this is what one of my grad school professors calls "storytelling", meaning that you make LOADS of assumptions about what is going on in a clients mind. But it's all I have to go on.
I'm simply pointing out that there may be really good reasons for your brother NOT to want mom to come for an extended stay, given his history.
I would stay out of it.....
But I am livid. As I told DH, blowing my cork over it all, .. DORKER HERE IS SICK TO DEATH OF EVERY CORNER ... PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO STEP THE HELL UP TO WHAT IS THEIRS TO DO!, and I'm done with it! Blowing my cork, .. "your mom sits out there lonely and frail and I'm implored to go alleviate that ... your sister sits and dog sits .. and doesn't come see about it, you go to the woods, my brother would rather their cat not be traumatized .. I'm over it with every damn person in my life that refuses to step up where they need to be doing just that!".
Middle brother has showed where his priority lies .... in a cat .. over welcoming our mom to his home. Got it!
And your sister with dog-sitting over your lonely frail mother .... DONE WITH IT.
But there is a huge difference, at least in my book, between your able bodied, compis mentis mom who needed to figure out how to fill time between one closing and the other (did she ask anyone's advice about this? Why can't she travel to her new location and stay with the relatives that they are moving to be near? Why didn't her lawyer negotiate alternative living costs into the contract) and MIL who is clearly physically disabled, cognitively compromised and in need of care.
Thus, .. closing took place.
Mom thought .. my youngest brother (I guess without his wife's knowledge, .. or maybe they both thought better of it, I don't really know) .. mom thought it wouldn't be an issue, as they'd be taking up residence in the 5th wheel camper owned by youngest brother .. for the 8 weeks of void here.
That got negated when .. who knows ... his wife ..??...he and his wife ...???.... don't really know, became concerned that it might be a fall risk .. them having to routinely climb the steps to get in and out of the 5th wheel .. the whole, "it's not hooked to any sewage .. it sits at our shop ... and there's no sewage hook-up there ... we'll have to haul the thing every few days for dumping", ... the above got negated.
Yes, it was thought, "well we'll just haul it to the campground nearby and park it there, there they have sewage hook-up, electric hook up, etc.".
But the problem there .. youngest brother lives in South FL .. and in South FL .. this time of year is what they call "in season", meaning the price of a camping lot there, .. $900 plus .. and mom didn't want to pay that ... she'd originally planned .. they'd just stay in it (that was the offer made by youngest brother, I guess he never thought it through ..??...not sure) .. she thought she and fiance' would just stay in the 5th wheel, where it's parked, which is at my youngest brother's boat mechanic biz .. there on the lot .. electric hook up not a problem. Sewage yes .. but that they'd just haul it to the dump place every few days.
But I guess, .. the worry then became, .. what if one of them falls, .. climbing those steps to get in and out of the thing all the time.
Thus the above option, got negated at the 9th hour ...
I guess that answers why there was no "other arrangement" in place as to what/where mom thought she'd live for the 8 weeks time it will take before she takes up residence in SC.
Youngest brother and wife are fine with them taking up residence in their home, in their den, which is kinda closed off from the rest of the house. And youngest brother runs his own boat mechanic biz .. and works a lot .. and so isn't home a whole lot .. and his wife .. she works at an auto dealer and she too, works a lot.
I did ask my mom, "are they even going to have time for you .. or are you guys just going to be at loose ends there". She says that my youngest brother has some things on the radar as to taking them out boating some .. and some cookouts there at their house .. so they are "planning" to at least be a part of their lives and make them a part of theirs.
It sounds like the problem came when the above fell through as an option (the 5th wheel) and mom now kinda feeling like she's imposing and going to be in their way ... and now taking up and using what is their "den" of their home .. and now taking that area of their home away from their use. So mom feels like she is imposing, and no longer wishes to "impose" for a period of any longer than a couple of weeks. Where, prior, . she'd of had her own little corner of the world, inside the 5th wheel camper .. and out from under-foot of anyone else.
Thus, she now has several weeks to fill, as to where to go, where to stay.
They do .. they intend to go to SC earlier than they will be able to take up residence there. One of her fiance's sons that lives in that area .. has a completely finished basement with separate entry and exit .. and they are welcome to the use of it .. has a kitchen/bathroom, bedroom, etc. And they do intend to do so.
But I think mom's point was, ... "I will be moving to SC .. so I'd like to be able to spend some time with my kids before I go". Her kids .. are, me and my two younger brothers. Middle of the two younger brothers is the one who has thrown up a roadblock to any visit from mom, due to a "cat".
Furious with him and his wife (the cat belonged to the wife before they married, .. and it's not been my observation that the cat is his favorite little puddy-tat .. that he dotes on and spends any time playing with), .. so it'd be my "assumption" (and I could be wrong) that it's the wife .. not him so much, as to this "concern that the cat will be further traumatized". I don't think he'd really care either way .. but .. he obviously does care .. enough that he will refuse that my mom come that way for any housing of any sort, unless she leaves her cat elsewhere.
He knows my mom .. and her situation .. he's not stupid. He knows, that means she won't be coming that way .. which is just what the end-goal was to begin with.
Throw that road block up and that will negate any necessity to house her and her fiance'. And it worked, like a charm.
And yes, I'm livid, because .. those in my orbit (seemingly everyone) .. fail to step the eff up and see to what is theirs to see about it, .. and "oh let dorker handle it, dorker will handle it". Well dorker is FED THE EFF UP WITH IT.
16 years ago, when my ex and I divorced, we sold the house. He was already ensconced in a rental; I had planned to stay in the house until we sold it and was in negotiations to buy a coop. We were all in our late 40's at the time.
It was late 2001/early 2002 and the RE market in NYC was quite weird due to 9/11. House didn't sell and then did, quickly. I was circling a coop, but didn't want to buy until house was sold, was being advised by my lawyer, who was 100% in MY employ. I STILL ended up without housing from Jan 31 until March 12. I have dear friend who was in a similar situation for longer, maybe 3 months.
These things happen. I guess the point is that many of us don't rely on our children to take up the slack. We build the contingencies into the contract, or we find friends to stay with. And we arrange back up plans BEFORE the event takes place, we don't assume that it's going to be okay to stay with friends/family/kids before the fact. We line this stuff before.
Dorker, it sounds like your mom has always been something of a gypsy. And you're okay with that. Maybe your brother finds it unsettling.
The brother is studying psychology. Perhaps he sees patterns repeated too.
Dorker, If your mom stays with you for weeks, isn't it fair that your dh's mother also stay with you weeks? That yellow bedroom calls.
Insightful comment.
Dorker, this does not have a single thing to do with you. You're taking on somebody else's anxiety and worry. Your mom seems to have led a comfortable, happy "gypsy" type life. Good for her. Your mom can handle this...all this noise and fuss and in the end, they'll find a place to stay, with or w/o family, and it will all be fine.
WHY are you so upset? It's your mom's life, it's not yours. It's her cat, her BF, her house. Nothing about this needs to be more than "oh, well" passing interest. "Getting in your brother's face? Why? What can that possibly gain you?
I kind of wonder if you need a drama in your life or it's just not "your life". Not judging, just curious. You don't need to be involved in any of this.
I think it's important that we understand that even with those close to us, it's a bit like "and now for rest of the story." Your brothers worked very hard on his emotional wellness.. . Perhaps he's unable to be around your mom for extended time and the cat is a less hurtful way of handling this. In any case, go hug the grandkids and leave this be.
Dorker, calm down.
Your mother and her fiancé are the people making plans. Her house sold a lot quicker than expected, yes? - so she has a couple of months during which she needs to figure out where to stay. Let her.
And I have to agree: supposing your MIL was currently not actually homeless, but without a home at the moment that she actually lives in, and proposing to come and stay with you, with a broad agreement that she'd also be shuttling back and forth to SIL. You'd buy that?
They probably want to be very sure that mother + cat + fiancé are not going to land on them from a great height and then prove impossible to get rid of. Tell me you blame them.
And, they do have a cat. What are they supposed to do with their cat? Tell it it's nice to share?
But that fall into drug addiction had him leaning, heavily .. on all of his family. He lost custody of his minor children, landed here for a stint .. and then with maternal g'ma .. but maternal g'ma couldn't keep them, shipped them to her sister, (sister lives here in town) and sister that lives here in town, needing a break, .. my direction. Had those kids every other weekend .. while the parents worked to regain custody of their children.
Brother incarcerated .. home in foreclosure .. and contents needing to be emptied, .. leaned heavily on all of us, at that time, to go salvage the contents of that home and store the items for him. Numerous court dates that my mother and I went to on his behalf ..
Hard pill to swallow that when mom is in need, he lets a "pet" get in the way of that.
But I will stop for now. This is an eldercare .. and care-giving forum, and this situation doesn't apply.
I do appreciate the feedback and yes .. back down .. is what I am going to do.
She goes on to say, "SIL .................!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!................blowing my phone the hell up last night at 10:30 .. texting .. be sure and keep an ear out for mother .. be sure you ck on her .. your parents are going out of town next weekend, .. if anything happens to her, .. let me know .. ck on her if you would".
OD reporting, "then all these other texts from her, ............ I'll ck on MIL ....... but I can't deal with her blowing my phone up all the time, I deleted her .. I didn't even read anything else .. if she's so worried about her then why isn't she here".
Me: "I don't know, that's a good question you might want to ask her".
OD: "I deleted her .. blocked her number, I don't need her blowing my phone up .. I work too long of hours and I can't be dealing with her texting me at night blowing my phone up like she's done you, .. her texting me and DD and YD ...........all three of us last night at 10:30".
Me: "okay".
Just thought that was kinda interesting. I guess the Emergency Alert System has been activated .. because DH and I have planned an out of town trip next weekend. And a BOLO issued.
Since you daughters are on SIL's call list, do tell them they should call 911 at any sign that grandma is having medical problems - including calls from mil or sil that mil needs some help to please check on her. A wellness check by uniform should stop any "crying wolf."
They all know the reason(s) I have stepped out of the whole picture. If they want to run their legs off in satisfying SIL's whims from afar .. (doubtful) that's up to them.
Mostly they will "ignore" ... as Mr. No Shot does.
We only get one little weekend a trip a year, and it's (if I get my way) in the Fall of the year. So weary of hot long summers, that stretch (here in FL) into the Fall .. and winter months. It just doesn't get cold here .. not even a bit chilly even .. not until maybe December, if you're lucky. Seems like we have about 9 months of the year that it's hot here.
I know some that deal with Fall that gets cold too quick . and then followed by long dreary winters, probably think the above is a ridiculous complaint. It probably is .. coming from someone who has never lived where I have to shovel snow and deal with ice-storms and such.
But .. it's always so nice for me, . .if I can .. to get away to cooler/crisp weather, and better yet to see a change of season (doesn't happen here in FL).
Last year, at this time, when we made our annual pilgrimage to see the Fall leaves, further north. Same song, same dance, .. SIL notifying daughters here .. "BOLO" with regard to MIL, in the absence of their parents.
When I returned, I found it a bit disconcerting (though even at that point, that far back, I was growing weary of the whole MIL scene and demands thereof) .. that none of the 3 daughters even so much as put in a phone call to ck on her. When I quizzed each on that premise, I was told by all 3, .. "I thought that we were supposed to just be aware .. that if MIL needs us, she'd call us .. not that we were supposed to somehow attend to her".
Good points, I suppose.
I didn't harp on it any longer. Not my deal. I won't be this time either. If DH is worried (Mr. No Shot) then he can direct as he feels appropriate (he won't, likes his seat on the sidelines too much to actually step up) .. and SIL .. if she's worried to that degree .. then she can see about being present.
**and FWIW .. MIL does have a life alert button and the info on that is they are to notify SIL or DH .. in the event of emergency.
SO ...............SIL's directive that OD imparted, "let me know if anything happens with MIL" .. if anything "happens" that is of an urgent/emergency nature, .. the life alert folks will notify her.
Isn't she supposedly "fine" .. since there seems no urgency to come and secure her to a safer setting.
surprise: "Dorker, If your mom stays with you for weeks, isn't it fair that your dh's mother also stay with you weeks? That yellow bedroom calls." I thought this, also. If your mother takes a turn in the Yellow Bedroom, then I think Narcissa is going to end up there somehow, also.
I also didn't understand your anger with your brother. As someone wrote, most parents don't depend on their children to solve their housing crises. Glad your mother and fiance will also be staying with at least one of fiance's children. Why can't they just get a short-term rental?
I asked this once before, and didn't get an answer. What happens if your mother needs help as she ages? Does she have money? Are you expecting her children to take on her care? What happens if you don't get participation in that from one or both of your brothers?
Her answer: "Oh you have got to meet them, they are all wonderful caring folks, I have a great relationship with his daughters that live there .. I talk to them all the time".
Me: "That's great, I'm glad you enjoy them and they likewise .. but you didn't answer my question".
Her: "Well . who knows, who goes first . it might be .. I'm not going to live my life with *what if's* .. it might be me that goes first for all we know ... and .. he's not getting any younger, at least we'll be near his family if he gets more needy and they will help .. and as for me, ... I'm not going to be like that MIL of yours .. and refuse Assisted Living .. I don't know what her problem is ... I have lots of friends who have gone to AL .. and they like it, and I will too, I'm not a damn recluse like she is .. when I get to where I can't manage anymore, put my ass away in a home .. I don't want to be a burden to you kids".
ME: "Ok, well do you have long term care insurance .. do you have some way to pay for that, it's very expensive ... you know that right?".
Her: "No .. hell I don't have a damn nickel .. I'm living my life .. doing what I want to do".
Me: "ok, so you know that means Medicaid .. and sometimes those facilities are less than desirable ... you know that, .. that's what you're okay with".
Her: "Yes .. I don't need much .. you know .. you get to an age where all that other stuff .. it doesn't matter, furniture .. and all that . it doesn't matter .. as long as I have a bed to sleep in .. and food to eat .. the rest of it doesn't matter".
Me: "But mom . some of those places .. they are so bad .. you don't want to end up in a place where you sit in your own feces .. and urine .. and no one to attend to you, that isn't good".
Her: "Well I would hope you guys would work to find a place where they would be more attentive .. but ... I'm not going to live my life with what if's .. I'm going to LIVE .. and enjoy what time I have left on this earth".
Me: Well you know, that none of us .. none of us, your kids .. are financially set to pay the $4k, $5k, or so it would cost to put you in a more posh setting, you know that right?".
Her: "Oh and I wouldn't expect that of any of you .. no .. absolutely not ... "
Me: "I don'y know mom .. I really don't think this is wise . you are just one fall away or one medical calamity away from being more needy than you are this present day and age".
HER: "I'm not going to live my life with the what if's .. that's not how I want to live .. I am able at this point in my life, to go and do . and enjoy and that's what I'm going to do".
Me: "and you understand that my life .. is here .. I won't be in a position to run back and forth to SC .. to be your caretaker in the event of some medical calamity".
Her: "I have Tony (b'friend/fiance') .. he is good to me, he looks after me, and I look after him ..
Me: "Okay but he's no spring chicken mom .. he is getting older, and he too just a hiccup away from disability himself".
Her: "well that's any of us, you could go out today and get in a horrible car accident that then renders you disabled, that could happen to any of us".
Me: "But the statistics mom .. you guys are closer .. in age .. to that calamity .. the likelihood is far greater for either of you ...
Her: "Well we'll be close to his family and they are all wonderful people, I think the world of all of them .. they will help if Tony gets more needy ..
Me: "And you, if you get more needy .. ??".
Her: "We'll manage .. you can't put me in a bubble and insulate me from living .. I'm going to live my life and if the day comes that I need more help .. then I will just become a ward of the state .. and let the gov't pick up the tab to house and feed me, I don't need much".
Me: "you realize that will be painful for all of us, .. to have to watch you go to a facility that maybe is less than what we'd like for you".
Her: "I don't want you guys pained by any of this . just know that I am living my life, on my terms .. and when/if I need more help .. then we'll cross that bridge .. and do what needs doing, hell I could drop dead and never need any help at all, any of us can".
So, all of that to say, the dialogue has been had. I too, will one day be navigating my way through Medicaid waivers and such for my own mother ... the day is coming .. unless, like she says .. she could drop dead tomorrow and all this talk of long term care .. negligible.
She is "supposedly" of sound mind, .. I am powerless to do anything to change the course of what she intends for her own life and I know that. She's making her choices ..
One day .. if and when she becomes more needy .. I will then be faced with securing her a setting that is more supervised ..and yes having to sort through .. assuming her brain isn't able to do so .. settings that aren't absolutely deplorable.
What about my dad (my mom and dad divorced when I was little, like 5 or 6 yo).
My dad remarried when I was maybe 8 or 9, and they are still married, ..
What of his old age and what will become of him. That relationship . with my dad .. is somewhat surface .. not real deep ... maybe a result of the bond that wasn't built in living in an in tact home with both bio parents . who knows how these things happen.
He remarried, and has what is my stepmom .. and she had a daughter from a previous marriage .. (older than me .. not close to her).
My dad .. did very well for himself financially through life .. and is comfortable .. financially speaking. I have no idea of his "plans" .. he is very closed mouth .. in fact, . he is suffering from some health maladies that seem .. difficult and hard to resolve (nothing life threatening) .and I have offered, countless times to assist .. go with him to doctors, advocate.. make phone calls, .. and he wants no part of that. He is a very very .. did I say VERY .. private person. He doesn't let me "in" .. as to his life ...
He has alluded to the fact that his wife (but he won't go into detail, even though I pry) .. that her mind is slipping. Her mother, before she died, didn't know who she was or anyone else, or where she was. I suspect maybe Alzheimers. . but I was kept out of that loop .. years ago. And I suspect maybe that's coming into play with his wife. That front too, I have offered to come and try to reason with her, and be a part of that scene .. and he declines the offers.
Very very private.
The daughter from her previous marriage (a few years older than me). I've asked, .. "can she do anything with her?, does she come around?". His answer, (though I don't really get it, understand it, .. that daughter and her kids, were always .. thru the years .. their shining star .. the sun and moon rose in her .. at least that was my assessment as I raised my own kids through the years .. watching them go and spend time with that daughter and her kids .. involved in their lives .. very much so .. and absent in ours .. doesn't even really know my kids (even though he lives right here in town and always has). Answer to the above, (though no details given) .. "Oh dorker, I think the house could sink into an abyss over here, us in it, and she wouldn't give a chit .. she rarely calls .. we don't ever hear from her .. she doesn't give a chit".
In fact, on the above situation (very private people my dad and his wife) .. it was only by accident that my dad let it slip that specific daughter, some pretty severe bi-polar disorder and that she became a raging alcoholic .. and had to seek treatment. I never knew any of that. It only slipped out . by accident ..
So, what are my dad's plans .. as he ages .. I don't have a clue, and I'm sure if I asked, I'd get a non-answer, as is the case with most things asked.
They both, mom and b'friend, live on SS alone .. I think he has a small pension from his retirement. They live on fixed incomes .. and aren't wealthy by any stretch ..
They don't have the $ for a short term rental.
They thought that their temporary housing .. as this void takes place .. would be that 5th wheel and they'd be out of everyone's way.
Why does it make me angry as to my brother and his refusal to step up. Well first off, that brother . not so long ago was so very needy himself and absent his family stepping into help in numerous ways .. he would've been God knows where ... and his family, including myself and more to the point, his mother .. was there for him.
So yes, it angers me that he would choose this path.
It also angers me because this too, shall land squarely on dorker to house them .. until such time as they feel they should move alone to the son of the fiance' and his basement.
Once again, dorker left holding the bag at others and their refusal to step up .. and .. yes brother .. entitled to boundaries .. just as I am .. but I have the right to be angry that he would be someone who was so needy himself not so long ago .. and with his hand out .. and bestowed the help he needed, .. only to refuse it (or put conditions/roadblocks) on any help he will provide.
Why would they go into this without securing what would be their setting as they weather this void in time? Why would there be any assumption their kids would house them? I guess .. the thought was the 5th wheel camper .. a perfect solution. Til that got dashed.
Now, .. mom .. left with a feeling that she is "under foot" as to younger brother, taking up residence in what is their den, vs what would've been a 5th wheel that lives at my brother's shop.
Why did the 5th wheel get dashed as an option. First and foremost, youngest brother and his wife .. they took that 5th wheel to flee the storms that blew through FL recently .. they went as far as Alabama to escape it all ... and New Orleans ..
So they were themselves living out of it, for a period of about a week ...
I guess a few things dawned on them .. with the above arrangement. 1 of those being .. ya know .. how safe is this for old folks .. this coming and going up and down these steps all the time. Another being .. ya know .. how practical is this really.... the water heater doesn't work .. we need to get that fixed but not only that .. no way to even hook it to sewage .. let's just pull it to a camper lot . and they can have hook up .. but wait .. it's still .. it's maybe not the best setting really .. I mean .. what if one of them falls coming and going .. and another point being .. "ya know .. it's getting to be cooler weather .. and we like to take the camper on weekends for a get away .... nah .. let's not do this .. let's just offer them our den .. we're rarely home anyway .. and we never use the den ... let's just offer that to them.
There you have it.
As far as your father is concerned, you won't know what his eldercare plans are until it actually happens and he needs care? Hope it doesn't all fall to you!
As far as my family, my father and FIL have both passed. My mother has LTC insurance. My MIL doesn't. She blew through an unexpected inheritance she received from a relative by traveling the world and buying things (to her credit, she also gifted her children about $20,000 each). She should have bought a LTC policy with some of that money. I will be very vocal about NOT contributing $ for her care, if it is requested of us. I assume that one of her daughters (they are ver close to her) will take her in if the Medicaid facilities are deemed inadequate. She visited an attorney some (more than 5) years back, and has arranged for everything to be Medicaid-compliant. None of us really know the details on that (maybe her daughters do). We are several states away from where she, her daughters and one son all live.
I suspect with my dad, he wouldn't want me in the middle of it all any way, even at the point he has to make some decisions about his setting (assuming his mind is okay). He's always been very very bright.
I feel awful for him at this point. His wife .. her mind obviously slipping (and no I don't know what he intends to do with her, as she ages and her mind slips further away, asking him would be futile). He has a really really bad back issue. One that hasn't been able to be alleviated with PT and they want to do an invasive procedure .. BUT .. he has a wound on his foot (MRSA), been fighting it for over a year. No back surgery until MRSA is clear. MRSA clears, wound closes .. but then it re-opens .. this has been going on for over a year. Been the gamut .. hospitalized for IV antibiotics .. and home care with visiting nurse, for wound cleaning and so forth .. and oral antibiotics. Is on pain pills for the debilitating back issue.
Advised .. stay off the foot.
That's the worst part for him. He has never been one to sit idle. But most recently when I spoke to him, he said it's not a problem to sit idle anymore, the back is too problematic to be up and doing anything.
I offer to come and help .. do I need to cook and bring you guys a meal. No no no .. no we're fine ... and doing otherwise wouldn't be really welcomed, if not agreed to in advance. They have yard folks that take care of the yard (something he gave up only after a fight ... loved yard work). They have a cleaning person that comes ..
I don't know what his intentions are for when he can no longer live alone. But I doubt seriously it would be under my care, .. as I try ... even to this day .. to be a part of things and am kept at arm's length.
Hard to get beyond much discussion with my mom and her plans. You see the dialogue that was had .. more than once, as I urged this maybe not the best plan, moving to SC. And as she ages, .. what will happen. She always cites her mom .. that's her default mode. We'd all gathered there .. to celebrate her mother's 90th birthday and a month or so later, she was gone. She was 90 years old and spry as could be, worked in her large vegetable garden .. went daily to the senior center ...
Something happened, a fall or some medical event that caused a fall, don't know. Found dead on the bathroom floor with a gash on her forehead. They never did an autopsy to determine COD ... no point.
That's my mom's "go to" default setting. You spend all your life worrying about what will you do when you get old and can't get around and can't do for yourself .. look at my mother .. she was 90 years old and doing just fine .. and then BOOM gone in a flash.
Yep, .. we all hope to go that way, in a flash. But statistics are, that's not as likely.
Fortunately for my mom, thus far, she's healthy. She gets around just as good as I do .. if not better (and I have no mobility issues at all). Her stance of "I'm not gonna live with what if's .. I'm going to LIVE .. and enjoy my life, I'm able to go and do .. and I'm going to do it". Firmly planted there. Good for her, I say.
But yes .. I will have to be "okay" when the day comes .. if she needs more care .. that she be placed in some medicaid facility that maybe isn't what I would want for her. I can't take her in and be her caretaker, ... she doesn't even want that ... and I don't want that. And there are no financial resources to pay for something different.
My brothers .. you see .. one is putting his house cat above even so much as a temporary stay by mom .. so he's not likely to step up. Youngest brother .. very cordial .. a big ole teddy bear .. if you saw the guy you'd think .. he must be a real mean one .. huge guy ... but ... he's a big teddy bear. But take on f/t care .. not a chance. Loves to have mom come visit, stay as long as you want .. but caretaker .. nah ..
They did take in her mother, at 94 yo .. but she only lived another 3 or 4 months and was gone. His wife says of those days .. had she known .. what would be involved .. she wouldn't of done it, and she wouldn't do it again.
She has been a strong advocate in my corner, of "Dorker, what ever you do, .. when that MIL of yours needs more care, DO NOT .. I REPEAT .. DO NOT step up to the plate ... you don't want to be a f/t caretaker .. ", as she then goes into all the ramifications of that decision and what it looks like in real time and on the ground.
I had mentioned a couple of things to DH (I rarely even talk of it anymore) .but found it all so annoying .. and mentioned it to DH.
"Talked to OD .. her annoyed, wanting to know why your sister is blowing up her phone at 10:30 at night .. that we're going out of town and so she needs to BOLO as to MIL and let her know if anything goes on .. check in on MIL. OD said this went on and on, with texts .. and that she didn't even answer to it .. she didn't respond .. that she in fact, deleted it .. and blocked further texts from SIL .. her feeling .. I will check on her, but I'm not gonna be accountable to you .. and answer to you, and you are NOT gonna do me like you've done my mom and blow my phone the hell up .. if you're that worried about your mom then get your azz down here and deal with her".
Imparted the above to DH. No response. Mr. No Shot .. sit on the sidelines firmly entrenched there. No response at all. He heard me, he listened .. there were no other distractions ... he just had no input, that's all.
Talking with YD .. who also got the same text from SIL 10:30 at night (sent as a group text .. to YD, DD and OD) ...
YD not "as" annoyed .. as OD .. but that would be the case. OD .. don't ask her to be responsible to anyone .. other than her s/o and her job .. and her pets .. do so at your own peril .. she's a loving/caring person .. to her pets .. to her customers .. to her s/o .. but outside of that, .. she's not much to be responsible or accountable to others .. and so be it .. it's her life.
YD on the other hand, far more patient and kind and nurturing, but she too has her limits and has seen the gamut it can run when stepping too deeply into the waters that is MIL's well being and all that needs done.
So YD imparts to me that SIL texted her also, a group text .. and YD's words .. "I got a text from SIl at 10:3 at nite .. she sent it to all of us .. wants us to check in on MIL and be sure she's okay and let her know if there is anything to be concerned about. SIL doesn't even ask me, how's my new job going .. how's my new boyfriend ... nothing .. she just blurts out her request ...she does that all the time, asking *hey can you ck on ____________can you __________".
I didn't ask YD .. "she does this all the time? I don't see you going in that direction, what do you do, do you tell her no".
I didn't ask.
So I imparted the above to DH .. that his sister texted YD also .. with this whole "BOLO with regard to MIL". And that she doesn't even pretend to be interested/engaged at all, in YD's life .. she just blurts out her request .. and that's just rude.
No response.
I asked him, "do you have any input at all, .. anything to say about that".
He said, "well now this is SIL we're talking about her, and she is sweet .. she really is, just through and through .. she's a good person" (he's right she is), ....I responded to that, .. "so it's okay with you, that she just continue with her demands and requests .. that we all step up and satisfy the need there .. with regard to MIL .. all while she sits up there dog sitting .. and she doesn't even pretend to even care about YD and what her life is, that's okay with you".
He only said, "She needs to make her way here and get mother .. that's what needs to happen".
I asked, ".............and your discussions with her along that line, .. what is being done?".
He said, "I haven't talked to her".
I dropped it.
Same ole, same ole.
I wish that YD or DD or OD .. would snap .. and say to SIL .. her sending a text, "would you ck on _____________________and would you pick up ________________for mother, and can you _________________".
Her not even pretending to care about their world and what goes on .. I wish one of them would snap off on her, with a smart azz .. "well and how are you today .. my world is ___________________and __________________ and yes .. I'm doing great with ______________and so nice to talk to you, have a great day".
Just "show" her that she is being ridiculous. You don't just ask the folks on this end .. to step and fetch and not even give a crap about the people that are your family .. it's just crap to be that way. It is!
But I'm staying out of it .. I didn't pry any further with DH .. nor have I called SIl to give her a piece of my mind, nor have I directed any of the daughter's to snap off on her.
Look at what you say about your older brother above: "one is putting his house cat above even so much as a temporary stay by mom." You are not realizing that he and his wife drew a boundary with you with your text to the IN LAW. You were doing the same triangulation with her as your own SIL was doing with you, asking her to take care of mom! The cat is simply a polite excuse to keep mom from coming because they have insight into the family dynamic. Your family systems don't respond well to boundaries being set and your older brother is trying to draw a line that you will all respect, even if you get mad with them about their cat. It's not about the cat. I don't care what he "owes" the family: what about unconditional love?
In the same way, the younger brother with the camper has had second thoughts about having mom come stay in the camper with her unmarried partner. Mom might not sue if she slips and falls, but that other person may well be forced by insurance to sue if he has a major medical issue if he slips and falls. They don't want to take mom in, as they know it could be permanent if she falls and hits her head and is not taken at once like grandma - and what about the bfriend at that point? They have no lease, how do they evict him? There are so many horror stories on Aging Care about this very topic!
And Dear Husband is now Mr. No Shot? He's the best guy in the family at respecting boundaries. He is allowing his Mother to live as she wants to - he can't force her to do anything as long as she is competent. He can't force SIL to do anything. He can't even force his sister to call or not call. He supports you in backing away from the runaway train to allow something to happen to force a change. He's indicated in the past that he was interested in moving mom in, but since the AL pronouncement, have you talked to him about how you will not provide care in your home? Have you repeatedly set that specific boundary, or are you assuming he remembers?
The point is, every person has the choice of who and when to invite anyone to their house, and the spouse should be on the same page before bringing anyone into the home. That's the recurring theme of these 186 pages! Boundaries- make them, respect them, and don't get between people who are the parties truly involved.
Yes, with the adult daughters, .. it's between them and SIL. Sounds as though none even dignified the texts with any response. So be it. Their phones, their lives .. I am not directing them, I can "wish" they would say so and so, but I'm not advising in either way what they should respond, or not. Or even if they should step n fetch. I'm staying out of it. Yes, it aggravates me .. very much so .. but .. I'm staying out of it. Sans the mentioning it to DH . it's his sister who fails to even care so much as to "well YD how's your world going", . at least pretend you give a rat's azz. Nope, can't even do that much, but do step and fetch for my mom .. while I sit here and dog-sit for my adult daughter and live my life on my terms .. while I ask you to look after MY MOM.
And yes, for me to direct daughters as to any participation thereof or lack thereof .. and/or answers to it all would be inserting myself where it wasn't sought. Thus I don't do so. But aggravating as hell, you bet.
And .. struggling to understand and process .. come to terms with .. what you said, "your brother has set his boundaries .. which he is entitled to do ... even though he needed loads of help himself .. what about *unconditional love*".
I ask that same question, .. so "unconditional love" .. it's okay for some who display that, and others not to because they are allowed "boundaries" as a roadblock to that act?
So .. we .. who didn't .. throw up roadblocks when brother was so in need, his life a shambles .. and acted out of "unconditional love" .. or I guess it would be that, as a reason basis for why we acted (we certainly didn't foresee that in the future mom would be in this specific need and by damn you better step up to the plate). He was in need, we acted, all of us, in numerous varied ways. Had we not, .. a good for instance, . at that time .. the kids were wards of g'parents .. and each parent was to pay .. a portion of an orthodonitic expense, .. to not do so, would be a violation of the terms set forth by the courts .. and brother came up short, his portion on a particular month .. he'd of had his visitation rights further restricted and/or worse to have failed to do so, I paid it. That's just one for instance .. I took in his kids, in the middle of the night .. when he fled there from what was .. at that time, being told to me, his wife's addiction to meth (later learned it was both of them) ... he brought both of his kids to me, in the middle of the night, barefoot and in their pj's .. and no clothes. I had to go out that very day and buy enough clothes and some shoes for them .. I did so. Brother had returned to where HE LIVES .. to try to (later found out .. it wasn't just her (as with drug addicts, they will lie, cheat/steal, you name it). He had returned to their vicinity .. under the guise of "secure the kids in a safe environment, here with me .. and go deal with his drug addicted strung out wife".
I took his kids in here .. and housed them for weeks. Until time for school to start .. (they were close to their maternal g'mother ...) and at that point .. even though law enforcement showed up here that very morning .. directed by wife ... that I had the kids in my custody and they'd been kidnapped by him .. and taken against her will .. now DCF had to get in it all, to make sure the kids were in a safe setting .. and an emergency hearing had to be held, .. where I had to return to his vicinty with kids in tow .. to have the courts mandate that here is a safe environment for them. Temporary custody awarded to me .. and then when school was about to start .. and the maternal g'mother imploring that they be returned to her .. that she would see to it as to their care, and they return to their school, with their friends, etc. Courts petitioned, and off we go again .. and then numerous court visits beyond that .. as me, as someone to serve as backup with the kids .. and I did so, every other weekend, offering respite to those who did care for their kids.
And brother's house in foreclosure, .. him having tested positive for drugs .. and thrown in the slammer .. and imploring we all go down and empty his household of what is his (he and she divorcing by now) .. and store his items for him ...
Just so so many ways.
We didn't, any of us, .. and all of us pitched in (younger brother to this brother .. he even brought him into his home .. for a period of time, and employed him at his boat mechanic biz). None of us denied him .. we helped.
So this "unconditional love" you speak of ... that one is to deploy .. is that only .. trying t understand ( .. not being a smart azz) .... one is to utilize what is unconditional love .. oh but ... "boundaries" ... if we use that term .. then it's all okay ... we're allowed "boundaries" and that then negates this "unconditional love".
What about HIS .. "unconditional love" .. and .. even .. reciprocation for what has been done for him in his hour of need.
I have a sister who would write you a check for $10,000, no questions and not ask to be repaid. BUT she wouldn't drive out to Mother's and take her to Bingo. She has her set of boundaries she lives by, and does so with no apologies. Our family has slowly learned to function with the "originals" the "in laws" the several "divorced but on good terms" people, the various kids that "new" marriages have brought....all done through the concept of "unconditional love". We don't DO drama--at all. We have several Dr. No Shots. They seriously the happiest folks b/c they don't DO anything. But we need them. We have some runners and some doers and some fussers and some who could not care less. I think we're a pretty normal family. We stay out of each other's business, for the most part, delight in the good stuff, mourn with the sad. Maybe that's unusual. I think not.
You seem to always be on the verge of a meltdown over something--again, not judging, but Dorker, all these people are grown ups, and can take care of themselves (excepting, of course MIL, but she's kind of a lost cause in some ways--you cannot communicate with her--) LET everybody be the adult they are. They're gonna do stuff you don't approve of. OK.
Life is too short to spend it mad at a brother who doesn't want mom there and uses his cat as an excuse. It's too short to be mad that the 5th wheel trailer didn't work out (that sounded yucky to me, personally)...but your mom will figure it out, and she doesn't seem the kind of person to hold a grudge, much less against her kids.
Let it go. These ancient grudges and memories are dragging you down. I think I can see why DH won't talk to you about stuff. My own hubby will tune me out when I get "fussy". Don't expect him to do anything about these situations and you won't be disappointed.
In case you think I don't "understand"---I am going to VA this week to see my daughter who is pregnant and very cranky. She is "allowing" me to come visit, but although she has a spare room, I am staying in a hotel, as per her request. I can't FORCE her to care more for me--she loves me the only way she knows how and right now, it's from a distance. I'll get to see the other 2 kids, probably hang out at her house a little, but it is KNOWN that I will be mostly at the hotel.
And I'm ok with that. (And yes, it took me a while to accept what felt like a slap in the face).
Hope you enjoy your weekend away. Just go and don't even talk about the family. Just enjoy DH's company and the time away.
I’ve been sitting here on the fence regarding the mom, brother, cat situation - very much seeing both sides.
But I have to say I think Guestshop and Surprised make a very good point regarding the similarity between Mil and Mom - and their current situations.
It does seem to be that mom is doing exactly the same thing as mil. Mom has made plans that require involvement of others to succeed. Your mother set these plans in motion prior to getting a buy-in from all those involved. Mom seems to have expected that everyone would step up and do their part to facilitate what she wants - in essence, doing exactly what Mil has been doing. Expecting everyone to step up so she can live exactly as she wants - the both of them. And yes, Dorker - you have become sil’s mini-me. Directing from not as far, what others need to be doing to help your mother “manage”. I do think there is a big - major difference in the two situations. Moms situation - at least as planned, is short term. MILs situation doesn’t appear to have any resolution in sight. While this is a big difference as far as outcome- it doesn’t change the dynamics or the roles everyone is playing. It’s like karma, fate, destiny- whatever - is playing a joke to prove a point. Just what that point is..?
As for brother? I can’t recall where I heard this theory, but -
Relationship are like bank accounts with a series of emotional deposits and withdrawals. Dorker, you and your mother made a whole lot of deposits into your brothers account. Because he needed you. I doubt you did any of it thinking “well, he better be there for us if and when we are in need”. One would hope he’d pony up when the time did come - by way of your homeless mother - and allow you/her to dip into his account. But he hasn’t. Knowing now, what you know - would you have done things differently when his account was over-drawn? I learned a long time ago - you do a good deed for the sake of the act itself. Because you want to. Doing a good deed, expecting payback is just setting yourself up for disappointment and resentment. And - I agree that this isn’t about the cat. Seems pets are common scapegoats in your families. This is likely about his wife and their relationship. But isn’t it right that he should be putting that/her first and doing what’s necessary to protect it?
There seems to be no easy answers in any of this. But I’d take a step back and try to see what the lesson is that the Universe is trying so hard to show you.
Seems I do everything else duty, but not that. Don't have anything against pets, but fervently believe . you take on a pet, it's your deal, not mine. I used to have a yellow lab I dearly adored for 14 plus years. Neighbors have always had a dog or two or three. We exchanged out .. they're going out of town, sure I'll come feed your dogs and let them out and so forth, .. and they did likewise for mine. I no longer have any pets .. and don't wish to care for anyone else's.
Yes ... indeed the correlation there, .. putting deposits in his bank .. expecting to draw on that return. You do for others .. IMO .. not with the eventuality of .. "oh boy if I'm ever in need, .. you better be stepping on it, to answer to my need". That isn't my approach .. but it is .. oh what's the word .. it's not even an "expectation", that's a wrong term .. it's maybe ... ??.... just .. a thought that those who have been done for and extended kindness, should also extend the same.
Yes, all of this has showed me a thing or three about myself. I LACK THE ABILITY TO SET CLEAR BOUNDARIES and stick to them! Some of that .. is at the feet of a husband who .. "come one, come all .. our house is your house", .. and I don't always feel the same. In fact, in more recent times, feel less and less of that.
Not that anyone wants to read my life story. They don't. There is good reason .. why I am the way I am.
I know that raising children is no picnic for anyone .. anywhere, .. we've all had our crosses to bear in raising our kids .. who .. for the most part .. we look back upon it, as joyous . usually, sans the troubles. The troubles fade. That would be my view also, for the most part.
However, I had 2 daughters .. one more problematic than the other .. both with LD's .. and the problems with that whole scene through the years . very troubling. Yes, .. I know .. count my lucky stars .. there are those who have children with far worse than LD's .. far far worse. I understand that .. fully and am .. in fact .. grateful that my fate was only to raise two of the three daughters .. with LD's (one of them turned out to be far more nefarious issues).
The first, OD .. identified, probably in pre-school as having "problems". Not even really addressed and dealt with until .. in elementary school. There, tested and determination she has LD's. Of course, then there are the modifications that need to be made, .. as to the IEP .. and so forth. Our public schools here . maybe they do a better job now days .. they certainly did not then. And fighting that whole thing was a constant struggle, constant. She went on to middle school .. and there .. there is where the suicide ideation began/homicide ideation .. and numerous Baker Acts .. and identified as Bi-Polar ... and then began the long winding road of non compliance with meds and therapy .. a Behavioral Therapist assigned, a counselor, a psychiatrist .. of course the mods in school and meetings there .. constantly. It was a very needy situation to manage. One that ultimately became unmanageable .. and that story is here. Numerous times having law enforcement called here, for threats against her sisters .. very real threats ... it was a hellish nightmare to live. OD at one time a self-harmer. She would punch herself in the face, .. repeatedly (bruises) cut on herself, pull her hair out .. etc. She reported that we were abusing her .. we were doing nothing of the sort .. and DCF was called in and investigated, .. checking with everyone that knows us . to see if there was any validation to the above .. it was a real nightmare through those years.
By that point .. I had two other daughters, and YD also identified pretty early in elementary school with LD's .. and at that point, having run the gamut with public schools here, I wasn't about to fight that uphill battle again. A special school sought out for YD .. and enrolled there. Her education and socialization and peer so forth and so on, so much more successful. But .. still .. a struggle, at times. Anyone with kids who has LD's will tell you, what the struggle is to keep them on task and doing what they need to do.
Of course, .. finally got the last one through high school, she graduated in 2012. By that time, OD was out of the house and living on her own . in some really bad situations at times .. and needy .. (that was a time of being in and out of speaking terms with OD .. as she bounced from unhealthy situation to the next, homeless at times and by choice .. and all not compliant with meds, therapy, etc.).
Somewhere in all of the above was my brother's life and that whole scene and my responsibility to his kids and that scene.
By that point in time, DD was married and gone. She married a couple of years out of high school. To her high school sweetheart. They are still married. And they have a strong marriage .. at least from what I view anyway. Her husband .. the one who was in our employ for the last several years and expressed here in a different post .. questionable as to his problems and ability to keep any job. DD went to cosmetology school right out of high school, her want .. and became a hair dresser, .. and I urged her to not get married .. build your client base .. you won't make enough $ to be able to make it .. just wait . you are marrying a guy that has shown a propensity to loose jobs .. and you certainly don't have a client base strong enough to support you, .. just wait .. wait until you build a better client base and can make it. Of course, young and in love .. and love is blind all that hooey. They married in 2009. (cosmetology field long since tossed aside, unable to make it financially)
Since that time .. they have landed back here under our roof 4 or 5 times. Mostly due to his job loss .. some other times .. as was the case this past summer, they were in transition .. from one rented home to another .. and .. the 2nd one .. not yet ready .. her due any day with twins .. thus landed here. That one had nothing to do with job loss and loss of income. Another time .. they landed here, landlord selling their home .. given notice they have to leave .. no $ saved for next place, first/last/deposit .. and so here .. they landed. Another time .. they had moved away .. to go live in TN (bio dad to DD's husband lives there) .. go start their lives in TN. That went south pretty quick .. landed back here .. for almost a year .. while they searched for jobs .. (her DD ultimately then employed by DH).
Each time .. sans the most recent time .. it has ended badly.
Yes, I should be able to say "no more . he has folks here .. his mom and stepdad live here .. they can go land this time .. at THEIR HOUSE". But nope .. not given that latitude. Here they've come. His folks .. have made it abundantly clear, their house is not an option, at all. What would've happened if those same sentiments came from this corner. Under a bridge? I don't know.
YD has moved out a couple of times .. once right out of high school to live with her b'friend .. and that ended badly as I predicted it would. Back here she came. Then she moved out this last time with sister (DD) and her family to their rented home. They .. then ... evacuating that home for the home they now occupy .. a home belonging to stepdad of DD's husband (rent free) .. and no room for YD .. and so back home she has come.
In the middle of all that .. I've housed OD .. and her s/o .. as they sold their trailer home .. and it was to be hauled away .. and replaced by a new trailer home .. and that took a period of a few weeks to get done.
My mother .. and her yacht scene .. and that all going south .. and her now needing somewhere to live with her only home being a yacht she couldn't operate and the husband who did do so, died suddenly. My home she landed .. for almost a year that it took to offload the yacht and have the proceeds to buy her own home, .. the condo she has just sold.
Concurrent with all of the above, for at least 15 years .. was the seeing to as to MIL and her needs .. and .. periodically bringing her into our home as storms .. storms requiring evacuation (at least where MIL lives and they do evacuate in that area) bringing her here .. probably 4 or 5 times in the last umpteen years .. her and her dog.
Yes, I am always on the verge of a meltdown.
I want peace .. I want the empty nest that I've only had snippets of being able to experience .. I want ........... the ONLY responsibility to be .. me and my husband . that's it .. no one's pet . no one else and their NEED .. just me and just my husband. That's what I want. And it seems everyone and their NEED lands in my lap constantly.
I'm tired. I feel like my house has a revolving door on it .. and those who "need" are constantly rotating in and out of it. And .. no real power to do a damn thing about it.
The whole latest saga with my mother .. and yes .. I do see a correlation there .. she .. like MIL .. expects to live and do as she pleases .. and that her "kids" will pick up the slack of her choices. So it would appear huh? Same as MIL.
I do see that.
That whole latest saga with her and her living arrangements or lack there of as we go forward .. the whole thing w/that and my brother and how that all plays out. There are two reasons for my upset there. 1) being .. it hurts me for my mom .. that my brother would do her that way .. but the other .....2) I DON'T WANT HER HERE .. and her cat and her b'friend ..
See above .. I want the damn revolving door to my home, stuck and broken and not able to be opened any longer.
I will house my mom .. I did the other day for a few days. And yes, this is temporary she will be moving into her home in SC on Dec 15 ........... and so yes .. temporary.
So the question becomes .. how long Dorker . how long are you willing to put your mom and her b'friend and their cat up .. what's YOUR BOUNDARY DORKER. What is it?
I can tell you that looking at the above .. if she were to have said to me, "so .. guess what ..??..... your'e the lucky recipient .. we'll be here the entire duration .. we need to fill eight weeks here and you're the lucky winner".
I'd of not been pleased.
Would I have said no .. I wonder.
Lack of ability to set CLEAR BOUNDARIES and stick to them!?!?!?!??
So what is it that DOES work for me, .. 1 week, .. 2 ..??....4...???, what? I have to give this some thought, I truly do. As I define myself in all of this .. this and the MIL situation where I got sucked into that quicksand for far too long and burned out in a big big big way .. and damaged from it all. I have to ponder the above. I truly do.
I too am allowed the latitude to set boundaries . for my life and my surroundings. But .. that's .. it must be a concept so foreign to me, I don't even know how. I haven't ever .. I don't think . been given the latitude to do so. Although, I say that ... and DH is honoring .. the fact that I will not be his mom's f/t caretaker, residing here . is off the table . that boundary has been clearly set by me . and has not been modified and it won't be.
I find my mom difficult to live with. Ya know, house guests .. of any sort .. even the best of them .. become hard to tolerate after a while, that is just a fact. And I've had more than my share, I'd say.
Does anyone think that the above sounds like a whole lot of too much need? Or is this typical of everyone else's life also .. the need, constant need coming at ya.
SIGH
When my mom lived with me before, and I've defined her before .. as a man worshipper. She very much is. It's just who she is. I find it annoying and nearly intolerable ... when she lived with me before. The way this household is run .. DH .. he may come in from work, and then he may go piddle in the yard .. or go sit in his office and work on estimates/invoicing .. or go make phone calls .. or he may go piddle in the garage or tinker with his truck outside .. you name it. He's not generally right here at my elbow. My mom . (for whatever her makeup is) takes this personal. If I had a nickel for every time I was asked by her "where is H? ... I saw he came in .. did he leave? ... is he upset with me, have I done something to make him mad". No mom, not that I know of .. "well I saw him come in .. he spoke to us .. but he's nowhere around, I just wondered if maybe he's upset with me or something .. ". No mom .. he just .. he doesn't just sit here and hold my hand . he goes and finds something to do .. generally .. he's not upset with anyone, that I know of. Oh okay. Only to.. next day same conversation. SIGH. You finally explain to her, "Mom what is this ..??....ya know .. if he's upset .. he's not one to hide it, you'll know it .. he will let ya know, don't worry that you've somehow upset him .. this is our lives here .. this is how we do things .. I don't follow him around to see precisely where he is .. he's here somewhere .. if he's leaving to go do something .. he generally lets me know . other than that, he's around here somewhere .. if he's upset you'll know it, don't worry about his whereabouts . he's fine".
That kinda thing drove me over the edge. And you would think my explaining that's how we do things here would set that tone. It didn't. It kept on .. this was for the almost 1 year she lived with me, until her yacht sold.
The thermostat wars .. she likes it much warmer than I do. That was always a struggle. I would tell her to go put on a sweater . she'd then complain her nose was cold, her fingers were frozen. Blah blah. On and on it would go. I keep it at 74 in my house .. in the summer .. and in the winter about the same .. maybe 72. That's too cold for her. She would like it set about 78 or 80. Nope, not happening. Have said as much to her .. have asked that she dress accordingly. She will .. she will go put on a sweater . but then complain that her fingers and her nose are frozen stiff.
This went on and on and on.
She would do kind but misguided things . .like cook dinner for us. She had no idea we'd talked earlier and intended to go out to dinner, just the two of us. Repeatedly that would happen. To the point you'd have to memo her, 'mom if you cook, don't plan on us . we're going out". Usually to find she'd already started dinner.
But the biggest problem I had with her. When she lived with me before and it ended badly in a blow up. DH and I generally sit and have our coffee together in the morning. It's the time we discuss most any and everything needing discussion or not .. we talk about anything funny, we talk about anything serious .. that's the time he and I have .. set aside. To talk. It doesn't seem to happen in the evenings .. being able to talk to him .. and get his attention and him get mine. This generally goes on about anywhere from 5:30 in the morning to about 6:30 or so . with him leaving for work somewhere around 7:00 or 7:30 thereabouts . We might wake up super early, 5:30 .. or we might wake up a little later 6:30 or so . just depends . but we sit outside in our screen room and have our coffee and that's the time we talk .. and come to life to face the day.
When she lived here before .. (and I know for a fact she is a late sleeper .. as I've tried to call her numerous times and awakened her at 8:30 or 9:00 in the morning, so left to her own devices in her own home, she sleeps in, it's her preference). And she was free to do so here, there's nobody here banging and clanging pots and pans and alarm clocks and demanding she get up. But get up she'd do, every morning without fail. Didn't matter if we were outside at 5:30 in the morning, or later .. here she'd come, to join us, every time.
Here she'd come ... without fail, every time. DH and I both grew weary of that. She would join our conversation and sometimes it was about business matters .. nothing she has any knowledge on, nor knows of whom we are speaking about. But she'd chime in.
Some of that is okay .. she's just being friendly/conversational. But it grew old.
I finally did ask her, kindly .. as I knew how. That is our time .. in the morning .. just he and I .. and so .. not every morning .. certainly .. but if you could at least give us some of those mornings .. I can put a tv in your room if you'd like to flip on the tv and watch it .. or if you'd like to quietly sit and read or whatever you'd like to do to fill that time .. feel free, but please .. just allow us that much privacy .. at least some of the time.
You would have thought that I'd asked her to pack her bags and get out. For the reaction that got. It didn't go well. She then telling one of her friends .. I heard her on the phone .. that her daughter is making her stay in her room like a child.
SIGH
That's not what I asked of her, and I confronted her later on that. She took exception . of course .. very flippant, "well that's what you asked of me .... isn't it?!?!?!?". Mom no .. I asked that you just give us SOME of the mornings to our selves .. just some of them .. that doesn't mean stay in your room, that means go in the den, if you'd like, turn on the morning news .. go read the paper .. read whatever you like, no one ever said to you to stay in your room .. no .. you are exaggerating. Very flippant like, .. "well what mornings do you want to your selves .. is it Tuesdays .. Wednesdays .. what specifically is it you want, so I won't GET IN YOUR WAY". SIGH. "Mom .. no .. It's not anything set in stone ... I want specifically every Tuesday .. just .. can you be mindful that if you joined us yesterday morning .. then maybe give us this morning .. to our selves . if you didn't .. then come join us .. just work with us some here".
She told DH (not knowing he was behind and in support of me on this notion) what a "hateful thing I am".
So .. no I don't relish the thought of inviting that back into my home again. She was forever inviting her friends here to play card games, etc. And sometimes that's okay .. but at times when daughter was needing to study for exams (daughter lived here), it was a distraction and a problem. And I said so .. that too, a problem .. "well maybe you'd like to let me know what nights are good .. are there specific nights that I should not invite friends over". NO .. I don't know specifcally mom .. i don't go to school with my kids ... I don't know when there is a project or something imperative that they complete .. maybe you just ask me ahead rather than just do it .. and I can give you a better idea. Well me and my friends don't operate that way .. they need more notice than 4 in the afternoon when you know what your world is ..
Just horrible. So, of course, outside of feeling hurt that my brother would deny her .. after all the help he's been the recipient of ... it's also the matter that I DON'T Want to walk that path again .. and I want to logjam that revolving door of my home and stop having it spin round and round with all the constant "need" of others.
When do I get to have my household, to myself .. and be responsible for no one but me .. and DH .. that's it . no one else. When does that ever happen.
One day it will be me, in the step and fetch role with my own aging parents ... at least to some degree or other. When .. do I ever get a time of "peace" in my life where everyone and their "need" doesn't land in my lap?
It is not always easy to figure out why people behave the way they do.
Simply put... Blame your brother's wife. She wasn't around for all the help and saving you and others in your family did for him and his kids. So she isn't going to feel like she *should* do anything for *his* family. So your brother might want to, but honestly, he might be overruled by his wife.
I sincerely understand your anger. Because you probably feel like you don't have the luxury of refusing to help your family. You didn't in the past, at midnight, and many, many other times, and you wouldn't say no, (and didn't, even to your Mil, when you should have said no ten years ago, right?!) without a darn good reason. And a cat, probably doesn't seem to be a good enough reason to you.
Sadly, I know from experience, cats can be a HUGE pain. I do love them, (and all animals, really, but don't currently own a cat) but they can be quite territorial. I have known cats that can be around strange dogs any day, but turn into nasty, spitting, hissing, scratching, snarling, puffs of fur that hide for days if another cat comes in their house. And might possibly poo on their owners pillow after that- really.
So even though I am not defending their choice, they did try to meet your mom halfway, didn't they?
So to recap- either,
A) they really wouldn't mind having mom and boyfriend but don't want to deal with the fallout of their cat/retaliation/possible vet bills etc,
or,
B) they really don't want mom there and are using the cat as an excuse.
And the big problem... it might be impossible to tell which one.
All that being said, I have a brother I adore, and don't think much of his wife. I think my brother would do anything I asked if I needed help (I might be hopeful and dreaming here, just saying) but I wouldn't expect his wife to do much for me or anyone else in my family. Sadly. It was painful to type that. We have this idea of what family should be, and we try to be that definition ourselves. And are really disappointed when others that we grew up with... (And think have the same values as we do) choose a different course.