I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Now that you've described how it is when your mother visits, just what are you going to do to make sure she doesn't stay at your house for...what is it...almost two months? She must think you are the default host family. Are you? Linda22 is right -- this will weaken your stand when H wants Narcissa to move in.
But it is a valid point. My mom is anything but DISABLED. His mother is very much so.
Nor do I wish to use that as a valid argument to "well my mom can come here .. she's not disabled and as needy .. she can do for herself, your mom can't .. so no .. she can't come here".
When I got married 100 years ago .. it seems .. she moved away almost as soon as I married, .. to central FL. Management with an insurance company. That move, took her to south FL .. with a different position. She didn't live here, being my point.
If we all gathered in those earlier days .. we usually did so .. at her place, central FL and on further south FL.
She didn't stay in south FL too long. She then moved to KY .. (burned out on management). Bought a little general store there (have family there in KY). And the apartment above the little general store, .. stayed there a number of years.
We never, all of us, not once, gathered there in KY where she lived. Any gatherings at that point, kinda fell to me, as we all live in FL .. her in KY at that time.
So it kinda did, by default, fall to me, at least at that point. That was eons back.
After that, .. a guy she knew here .. (never romantically) he and his wife had divorced .. and he hunted her down as to her whereabouts and they began to see one another long distance. Until ... she decided to move in with him, back here, in FL, where I live.
He .. (he is the one that died suddenly on the yacht). He was very, it turned out, controlling .. and didn't particularly care for "family events" and more to the point "kids" (we all had kids at that point). Not that he made things impossible for mom .. but he sure did make it uncomfortable and difficult. Hard to bring kids around someone who is a real curmudgeon .. and grouchy and snaps at kids at every turn. Kids are kids.
Seemed in those days .. all who would come . when family events occured, defaulted to here. My house. Why would anyone want to subject themselves or their kids .. to his curmudgeon ways. This always seemed to hurt my mom's feelings .. "they always come to town and stay with you, I have this big empty house and no one wants to stay here". She was told why, countless times. But her response, generally, "Oh his bark is worse than his bite, just ignore him". No one preferred to do so. They stayed here.
Ultimately they sold their home here, and used the proceeds to retire .. and off they sailed on the yacht purchased with the proceeds of the sale of that home.
The rest is written here. And of course, .. no . .. when they were in town, the yacht moored .. family of course, didn't gather there either. Yes it was a yacht and yes .. we did go and visit, but again, see above .. curmudgeon on board . .and closer quarters in the confines of a 55' yacht. So here .. they all gathered, when they'd come, ...
So yes, by default it became my house ..
As I've noted, she stayed here with me, in my house, for almost a year that it took to sell the yacht. She then purchased the condo (the one that has just sold) .. and that too, on the small side. Though it did seem .. at least .. some .. more than had been the case .. now that the curmudgeon was dead and gone . that some would stay with her when they all converged here. And not necessarily here.
In all that time frame, all our kids are grown now, with lives of their own, and their own schedules and responsibilities .. and so we don't all gather nearly as much.
Hmm, how does one then make it a case when it fell that way ... just kinda by happenstance .. to then take the other route .. "ya know .. I used to do all that hosting and entertaining . but I don't do that anymore".
It gets old.
There aren’t enough hours in the day to lay out my full in-law/family backstory (and full in-law/family pathology). In short, about 8-9 yrs ago, the home that my s.o. and I share became “the default” for gatherings for his side of the family.
I’ve been pushing back. It’s the one thing he & I fight about the most. And it’s a fight that I’m always up for.
I’ve made inroads. The ILs now understand that they are not to invite themselves over for a holiday, or suggest our home as a gathering spot. We invite on our own terms, and we host on our own terms.
My s.o. knows that if I really got what I wanted, we’d never host. Alas, this is our compromise.
I also made it very clear that I don’t want to hear the word “default” during any of these plans or negotiations.
My s.o. is one of many siblings. I’m the only DIL who ever showed MIL and FIL any abiding respect. I’m the only DIL who did not turn every holiday into a monument to my family of origin. I’m the only DIL who “showed up for” everything — literally and figuratively. I’m the only DIL who had a real relationship with the bachelor brother who died young.
For 20+ years, I’ve given that crew more consideration than they deserve; engagement that was not reciprocated; and reliability that was not reciprocated.
In return, s.o. and I became “the default” because I’m not a total f**ing b*** and we aren’t hoarders. Wow. Some compliment, huh?
Dorker, your burnout is real. You gave a lot. For years. At times, you were a lifeline who went above and beyond the typical.
The hangover? Now every person on your side of the family and hubby’s side of the family is a trigger.
I very much understand your urge to see someone — anyone — to resolve a sh*tstorm the way you would. It would be validating, right? It would also be validating to have someone extend themselves to you the way you have to others, wouldn’t it?
Gotta retrain the brain, Dorker. Cuz the only person who’s going to validate you is YOU. Sh*tty and unfair. But true.
You know how you reflexively think 3 steps ahead for someone else’s benefit or someone else’s outcome? Force yourself to apply that “3 steps ahead” vision to YOUR benefit and YOUR outcome.
As for everyone else, meh, they’ll be fine.
Easy to write, hard to do. It takes a lot of practice.
My in laws told their friends who were traveling to call us up and they could use our spare room for a few days. some people we didn't even know. it was WWIII when we said "no more". My in laws still sent someone our way and when the couple showed up at our door, suitcases in hand, we acted puzzled and told them no, they couldn't stay. (We didn't even know them). My in laws screamed at us for weeks about how we humiliated them.
It goes on and on. I was raised to please people and work in sales where pleasing the customer is my job and my joy. But it took counseling and role playing and just getting damn sick of it all before my DH and I felt comfortable saying "NO".
Good luck to you my friend. You too deserve to have your nest and not have gate crashes. You feel guilty and upset. No one is going to set boundaries by themselves when they have had you step up for them - it works too well for them.
As my counselor said "why are you always the angry one doing what you don't want to do? Say NO. Someone will be angry - why is it always you?"
You are learning and growing and we are all supporting you
But what a combo, right? It’s as if the people who tend to take advantage of us - knowingly, assumingly or even unintentionally- see “SUCKER” stamped on our forehead as well.
Being the person who always does the right thing can just wear you down - it’s exhausting. It shouldn’t be. It should be noble. It should be something to be proud of. Why isn’t it? Because it seems like we’re the only one doing the right thing. All the time and for everybody. It’s exhausting.
The day my mother died, I got the call at 7:25am. I hung up the phone and began to cry - standing there in the kitchen. Dh came out and put his arms around me and we stood there while I cried.
After a few minutes I grabbed a paper towel, dried my eyes and blew my nose. Then I looked at my husband and I said “I will never again do anything I don’t want to do”.
I was just finished. Used and used up. Done. It’s exhausting- always being the person who always - always - does “the right thing”. Right?
The great thing about life is we have today to begin to work on setting boundaries, seeing people for what they are, & moving forward . It’s been complicated for you, Dorker, because yes, over the years you have done “the right thing” for everyone but yourself.
Good to see that you are beginning to recognize what works for you & how you want to shape your world as you have many years to live & develop methods to deal with the clusterf#*k that is family.
I do agree with you that MIL is in her own category of “disabled” because as a Christian you don’t kick a person while they are down. And luckily your DH is on board with the fact that you are burned out taking care of her. And while I agree she should use her Life Alert in the event of a fall, or chest pain or whatever, I could not in good conscience not go to the ER to lend support. I know that you know not to be the one to take her home, that’s her kids responsibility. But whatever her personality or history MIL is a vulnerable senior & would need support in an event such as an ER visit.
We can’t choose our family but we can choose how to set those boundaries that work for you.
Good work identifying the problem as that’s half the solution.
The nicest people get pooped on the most. But you will reap those benefits from always doing what you felt you needed to do at the Pearly Gates or wherever your deity is.
But now it’s time for those same people to buck up and find their own solutions and if those solutions extend to assuming you are the “default” anything, you are learning to say “NO”.
Start with your mother. She & Tony need to figure out what to do to solve a problem of their own making. I wouldn’t offer your home. They can go to one of those Marriott Homesuites for a month or two. Let them figure out how to finance it. Not your problem.
Keep moving forward! After the past 2-3 decades of taking care of everyone else “situations “- being the dutiful daughter, mother, in-law, etc it’s perfectly fine to put your own needs first (finally).
You will go through a lot of emotions on this journey but you aren’t responsible for the decisions (either bad or good) your family make. And...it’s time for everyone to respect the way you feel.
Stick to your guns and continue to vent here. We are all invested in your success!
I so relate to what Rainmom defined, .. the emotion of "I will never do anything again, that I don't want to do". That's where I'm at, but there hasn't even been a death in the family.
I was, forever, the *default* as to gatherings .. both sides of the family. I enjoy cooking, or I used to, and for large crowds. It always fell to me, on both sides of the family .. if there was a cookout or whatever, to pull it all together and go get all the "stuff" one needs to make all the various casseroles and/or salads or whatever .. along with the whatever was to be grilled. There was a long long time that it was a joy to me, to do so.
If it was my side of the family, it seemed to be here more than anywhere else. If it was DH's family .. the same .. for a number of years. But in more recent years, with MIL's limited mobility .. oh ... the times I've gotten it all together, even the ingredients needed .. down to the inth degree, of spices, etc .. and hauled it all over to MIL's .. and prepared whatever there, .. at her house. Oh the holiday dinners, .. !!!!.....and all the prep that has gone into all of it,.. and hauling it all to her house, .. so she could be "a part of things". Seems like hundreds of times ..
I can't put my finger on precisely what has changed, other than I'm tired. I'm just tired. Are we all given only so many "good deed" cards .. in life. And once all the cards are played, we're done. Is that how it works. It has all changed.
I will, for instance, prepare a small t-giving dinner upcoming .. it's only going to be "us" .. and a variation thereof, as to my own kids .. depending on who is available to be present. There was .. (old habits die hard) a notion that popped in my brain .. from days of old, momentarily . and squashed immediately by me, "okay now....what to do about MIL". Sent a text to SIL yesterday, "are you planning to be here for your mom's bday on Nov 5, .. or are you coming at t-giving". Answer, "No .. I wish I could, .. still completing hubby's rehab .. from the stroke .. and he has to participate and complete a driving program . and can't drive until he does so, and that's another few weeks .. and I can't leave him if he can't drive ... and my son is coming .. and I want to be here to visit with him".
That then, puts an onus/pull on me, .. can't ignore MIL's bday, not that I would if SIL were here even. Can't ignore MIL on t-giving .. not that I would even if SIL were here in town. But what to do? It becomes a "pull" on me, as to .. as someone else says, always staying 3 steps ahead of everything. That then angers me, with myself ... if her daughter isn't concerned about it, then WHY IN THE NAME OF GOD am I? Her son isn't either, concerned about it, in the least. He hasn't even mentioned any of the above, and likely, if not reminded that his mom's bday is upcoming .. he would waltz right past the date.
Why then do I care? Because it must be built into my DNA .. "do the right thing".
In years past .. it would've been on me .. and I'd of done it, with a happy heart (that seems to be gone now) .. I'd of been gathering (I've done it) .. all that needs to be retrieved from the grocery store, and began multiple trips out to MIL's .. ingredients in tow .. and prepared to make t-giving at her house, so she can be a part of things.
Not so anymore. It dawns on me, I will be cooking anyway .. a small version (there won't be many of us to gather) ... MIL can be brought here. Then there's the, "oh but poor poor MIL .. so many times anymore, she's not even able to gather the strength to get in the car sent to retrieve her, and come this way .. it's .. even then, more than she can do". There was, in years past, that very real notion in my mind, thus I'd try to do all I can .. to make it happen at her house ... not anymore.
My mindset now, .. she will get an offer to join here .. and we will send someone to retrieve her .. and take her back home if she'd like. Absent her ability/willingness to join . here .. then so be it.
Wonder why all that has changed, my sentiments, my willingness, and with a happy heart to do so. The only thing I can say is that I'm tired. I have reached a point .. I don't want to be accountable, responsible for anyone .. not for a pet .. not for anyone .. other than me, .. and DH .. that's it! A foreign notion to my brain .. not one ingrained in my state of being.
I often think of a good friend of my mother's and wish I could be like her. She, a long time member of our church (has moved away however). She lived in a big gorgeous home here .. and it was only she and her husband, they never had any kids. She was always .. forever ... taking in some hard luck story into her home. I asked her at one point, .. "how do you do that, .. company .. having people in your home .. it's .. it gets to be an intrusion". Her words, "ya know God has blessed me .. I've been blessed with this big beautiful home and all the space I have .. and I don't have kids .. I don't have anyone to share it with .. but God sends people my way who are in need .. and if I can't share what I've been blessed with, then what good is any of it".
What a kind/sweet way to live.
Wish I had that same heart. I did .. for a long long time. But it has changed.
That revolving door on the front of my house, and all the "need" constantly hurled at me .. I think all my cards have been played .. all the cards given, for a lifetime, they've been played. How selfish .... it's not a comfortable feeling, it doesn't fit me well. But the alternative doesn't either.
I think of a holiday dinner we had a few years back. At that point .. DD and her hubby .. struggling with how to placate two families (his and her's .. both local). I had tried for numerous years, .. "you guys do what you want, if you wanna go in the direction of his family do it .. if you want to stay home and eat a PBJ .. do it ... if you want to join us, do what you want". Her wanting to be with us, he wanting to be with his family (all local).
In the interest of trying to be all things to all people ... DD suggested (MIL had recently been hospitalized and was in no shape to go anywhere), .. I had planned, I'd be out there cooking, .. DD wanted, .. "can we all gather, maybe we invite my in laws and in law g'parents .. and we ALL gather .. at MIL's .. would that work". Okay sure. So that's what we did. His family known for their lack of punctuality. We purposely lied, told them we'd eat at 2:00 when we knew we'd eat later .. but a lie to get them to at least be there at the hour we eat since they are known to not show up on time .. they will, each one of them on her husband's side of the family, be late for their own funeral.
Dinner was ready at 3:00 .. (as I kinda planned it) . his family nowhere to be found. Dinner sat getting cold, . they didn't, any of them, arrive until 4:30 .. and no explanation, no apologies . nothing. I remember feeling so incensed, that I go out of my way to try to placate everyone .. and this is how it ends up. The portions of the meal I was responsible for, sitting .. getting cold, waiting for the other guests to arrive. That kinda stuff .. to some people .... it doesn't matter .. to me it does. 2 1/2 hours late .. they were told, on purpose, we'd eat at 2. They don't show up til 2 1/1 hours later and no apologies offered, no explanation/excuse, nothing.
I remember a few years back when we were planning the shindig for g'daughter's 1st bday with the smash cake and so forth. DD wanting to hold it here, at my house. Fine I said. But my want, was to keep it small. Let's just have only g'parents .. and us .. that's it. That, to me, meant ... me and DH .. and the g'parents on his side, meaning her husband's folks that live here. Those folks .. they include her mom in everything, she also lives here. So .. the request, "well can his g'ma come ..I mean she'd be hurt if we don't include her". SIGH. Yea, okay. "Well then what about g'ma (my mom) .. we have to include her, if we're including his g'ma we have to include mine .. what about MIL .. we can't include his g'ma ... and exclude the other g'grandma's. SIGH .. it's now growing beyond what I wanted, my house ... me hosting ... I SHOULD BE ABLE TO SAY ..............NO DAMNIT. But nope, okay .. yes go ahead and call g'ma (my mom) and MIL and see if they'd also like to come. SIGH.
Then to add insult to injury (and no I had no intention of including my out of town brothers .. why would they even really care to come to what is a 1 yo bday party, complete with travel out of town to do so). My mom .. on her own, without asking, asked the brother .. the one who now throws "conditions" on any temporary stay there, asked he and his wife .. are they coming. They didn't even know, it wasn't on their radar. BECAUSE I HADN'T INCLUDED THEM ............... on purpose! I knew to do so, would mean they'd need to travel up this way (why would they want to do so, this is a 1 yo bday party for OUR g'daughter, not anything particularly remarkable in their world) and to do so, would also mean I'd need to put in a call to my youngest brother (the one where mom is now residing temporarily in their den) .. and see if they too, would like to come, complete with their two adult grown kids .. and their g'child .. and spouse of the one son .. and so forth. No, .. my hope had been that it just be g'parents .. and us that's it, no more.
This was now growing completely out of hand. And I said so, to my mom .. "No I hadn't invited middle brother mom, I'd wanted to keep this small, .. and I wish you hadn't done that". Her: "I'm sorry I guess I didn't realize that was what you intended, I already mentioned it to them now and they seemed hurt that you hadn't mentioned it to them, .. I think you better put in a call to them and either explain your intentions and/or invite them ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to complicate things".
I was then getting flack .. from DH. "Why didn't you invite them, that's rude ..... why would you exclude your brothers .. now you're gonna have hurt feelings all over the place, you have to invite them". Explaining, "I had hoped to keep this a small event .. we're already fixing burgers on the grill and so forth for us .. and ours .. and for DD's hubby's family and for the g'parents and .. I hadn't wanted to go buy all the stuff and have all the hullabaloo, and who the hell cares to travel anyway for what is a 1 yo bday party" But pressure applied. I extended an invite . which was accepted. Then put in a call to younger brother and wife ... and there were hurt feelings there also (hell they have a g'son .. a g'son that had a 1 yo bday party at some point and we'd not been invited, and I'd of begged off if I were invited .. I don't really see that as something I'd travel to attend .. not all that important to me). There were, it turns out, hurt feelings on that end .. word had gotten out that dorker had a shindig planned and that middle brother was going . and they'd not gotten a phone call either, .. to ask them to come.
The whole thing .. it's just .. through the years .. so many "events" and all that can go wrong .. and all that has to be put into it all .. it's gotten to be more than I even have the stomach for anymore.
And yes, as another put it here, .. always the DIL that didn't make holidays a shrine to my own family .. always showed up .. and went above and beyond .. every time, all through the years. No reciprocation ever.
It's all changed. I no longer "enjoy" the big gatherings and being the one at the helm of putting it all together. I will "enjoy" my little family .. those who wish to come, and are able to do so .. but outside of that .. not interested.
All the good deed cards, they're gone.
I'm not advocating being a B*%ch. Setting boundaries means you maintain your self and not get railroaded into doing things you do not want to do just because family tries to bulldoze you. I'm kind of the default hostess too because I'm the only one who likes to cook and set a nice table. My mom and sister have a tendency to invite others. Last year my sister told me the day before Thanksgiving "Oh, I invited my MIL and BIL - they have no where to go for Thanksgiving and we are not having Thanksgiving with them until Sunday" I told her "sorry, I have no room and not enough food - you are going to have to call them and cancel" Was she ever angry and thought i was a rude b*&ch! I didn't engage. No discussion. But..... other years i would have gritted my teeth and put up with them. Her MIL i love but her BIL is a mooching drunk that i caught taking money out of my purse one year. And I'm the nasty woman for saying NO. On Thanksgiving - both she and my BIL were rather shirty - but i ignored them and we had a great dinner with everyone else. And i didn't feel a bit guilty either! my BIL made one little whiny comment about his mom being alone at Thanksgiving and i just ignored him. His mom's loneliness is not my issue. The final straw was when he went to my cupboard and got a plastic container and intended to take food along for his mom - I calmly and politely stopped him and said that I had plans for that food. I would never just go take food at someone else's house! Yet he and my sister were all grumbling under their breath about how selfish I was.
Dorker - you will have to learn to politely say "no" and just not engage when the others start getting pi$$y or try to guilt you into changing your mind. The biggest trap is "well, what do you suggest I do.... I have no where to go?" and then any suggestion you give is shot down until the only one left is that you do what they want. I have learned to say "I'm sure you'll figure it out" and change the subject.
What helped me and my DH was role playing with the help of our therapist. You can also role play in your head - what you each say. I have found that the easiest is "no, that doesn't work for me" and refuse to engage in why etc. so they can't argue you into changing your mind "I have already said that doesn't work for me and I'm not discussing further" to shut it down. Or I have had to use "stop pressuring me when I have already said it will not work" It is HARD, especially with family. But you will get to a point where you are angry they are pressing you, because if the situations were reversed - you know you would be too polite to press them. Good luck!
Trying to own it, live it, be it, breathe it, be it, wear it, .... all of it. As to the "you may not like the way other people choose to do things ... but that doesn't mean it's then on you to fix it, and/or accommodate it", now be okay with that!
Trying ...
It's not an easy concept for me.
Just interesting. Happened to be sitting right there as DD and YD having a conversation amongst the two of them. YD .. being asked (text) .. by SIL. Could she, that afternoon, is she available, to take MIL to a vet appointment. Answer, no . she had already made plans for her afternoon. Could she, take MIL next week, to her orthopedic appointment (steroid shots/knees), .. and that one, YD .. indeed trying to figure if she can accommodate for SIL, as the two of them sat talking.
DD then, .. "yea I got a text from her the other night, . wanting to know if we'd check in on g'ma .. while you guys are out of town, I answered her, just a simple *okay* .. I don't give her these long responses like you used to and get all in it, .. just .. a simple *okay* and I was done with it.
At that, YD chimes in again .. "yea .. sounds like G'ma's neighbor took her to the grocery the other day, that's what SIL says".
I then questioned, .. "Guys ..??... I don't get it ... I really don't, ... either she *manages* or she doesn't, which is it ... seems like SIL reaches out for all kinds of help for her .. to be able to get to this or that and .. yet she also says that she manages".
No response. Other than, DD then chimes in with: "I asked her, (SIL), the other day .. when is she coming to get g'ma and take her back with her, to where she lives and she answered that she seems to be managing okay these days".
THIS ...................
Is where I am trying to own it, live it, breathe it ... wear it .. be it ............
It makes me NUTS.
If she's "okay and manages alright" .. then ......... why all the above and reaching out as to who will take MIL here and there ..
I DON'T GET IT.
I know, I know, I know .. at least I'm not being asked to do it .. and for that I am grateful. Very grateful, done with all that which made me NUTS. If she is "okay and manages better these days" (what happened to the whole premise she asked for help .. and can't manage) .. what's with this biz of reaching out to every corner, every time MIL needs to leave the confines her home. I DON'T GET IT, it's what made me nuts.
So then.. strange how things happen. I was at the tire store yesterday and who was sitting there waiting for her own tire issues ... MIL's housekeeper. A housekeeper that I know to have been deployed a few times in the above .. as to transport for MIL .. (when ... and that's a big if .. she's available to do so, she also cleans houses and that's her preference as to earning her living, not as transport .. and she has said as much to SIL .. per SIL having told me that).
I've met the housekeeper a few times having been there, at MIL's when she's present.
So we chatted for a little. I asked her, "so I hear you've taken MIL a few times to different doctor appointments, that's so nice of you".
She responded: "Yes, when I've had the availability in my schedule, but I'm going to have to talk to your sister in law, I've picked up a few more clients .. and I'm really not going to have the time anymore to do that .. she had asked me about taking her to an appointment next week and I told her I would, but I'm going to need to call her and let her know, I can't do it .. I guess she's going to have to get with MIL's son .. (I guess this housekeeper .. maybe not tying the two together, that she's actually talking right now, to the wife of that very son) ... I guess MIL's son is going to have to do it".
I didn't respond with anything of, "Oh well I'll pass that along .. her son .. that's my husband". I just listened.
She asked me, "what's going to happen to MIL...???.... I mean, I think .. she does okay inside her home .. she has it all set up and she can get around alright .. but ya know.. she really .. it sounds like she doesn't drive anymore (news to me) .. and .. you know, she gets around okay in her own home .. what's going to happen to her, .. I can tell you she DOES NOT want to go live with her daughter .. we've sat and talked about all that and she doesn't want to do that, .. ".
I answered, "I really don't know ... I agree with you .. she really needs to be in a more supported environment .. if we could all live our lives from the confines of our home and never have to leave .. but that's not reality .. life isn't just *inside our homes*".
She said, "she's so unstable, .. she's going to fall, you guys know that right .. ".
I said to her M .. I have been saying that for a long time .. a long long time, she's going to take a nasty fall .. and it's going to be bad .. but you know, . you've talked to her, she doesn't want to leave her home .. she wants to stay right there".
Housekeeper responded: "she's not at all like my 90 year old dad . he lives right over here (motioning to just down the street) .. mows his own grass .. and does it all, he cooks for himself .. he is just as able as can be .. MIL sure isn't .. I know she gets MOW now .. and that's good .. I asked her about them and shes said they're just *ok* .. but .. I know she can't cook for herself anymore, she can barely even get around".
I responded (trying to stay on the periphery of it all), "you're preaching to the choir M .. I know .. ".
At that .. subject changed to the nuisances of car maintenance issues and we moved on.
But .. just interesting ...
An "outsider" of sorts .. even expressing the above. I could've asked her to spread that word to SIL . she talks to SIL frequently ....
But .. see above ... "trying to live and let live". Hard .. but I'm trying ...
I guess, it sounds like, .. we're back to square one . but what do I know. I'm not even going to ask. Last I'd heard, MIL had said that she wants SIL looking for facilities near her .. there had been "talk", minimal though it may be .. of SIL coming to get MIL .. spring or summer of 2018. Which, of course, I think is assinine .. if she needs help then she doesn't need it spring or summer of 2018 .. she needs it now ..
But I guess, .. according to what DD imparts upon her having asked SIL when she's coming to get MIL, .. answer given by SIL "she seems to be managing okay these days".
I guess .. coming to get her .. at all, .. has been shelved.
Will be interesting going forward. Sounds like SIL may be forced to lean upon .. (where it should've been to begin with) her brother .. rather than the housekeeper .. as to doc appts.
I'm sure that DH can move his schedule "some" to accommodate "some" of that need .. (he will soon find it as frustrating as I did ... and won't be knee deep in it for long .. he doesn't have time, to take up an entire afternoon .. repeatedly time and time again .. day after day .. for all the numerous doc visits .. and such. He can do "some" .. and I would imagine he will try to do that, (and well he should) ..
But I can just envision (staying that 3 steps ahead that has been talked about, .. which truly .. is not mine to do) .. he will .. eventually .. there will be pushback from him .. that he cannot keep doing it.
Will that pushback come at me ...
Yep, more than likely.
..................and then it's on ...........
I will remind him, lovingly, tactfully and very detached .. I'm no longer doing this .. this is between he and his sister.
I can hear it now: "DORKER you know .. YOU KNOW MY WORLD .. I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS .. I JUST TOOK HER last week .. and the week before that she had 2 appointments, I can't keep doing this".
I'm sure you guys can figure something out.
And then like someone else here said .. if it keeps being shoved to my side of the table, .. he will get a reminder that I don't appreciate that he keeps applying pressure to me to take care of this .. I have said .. I can't do it, and I meant it .. now work it out with your sister however you guys see fit.
Of course, what I'd like to see .. is that he insist that his sister .. and their mother .. they get their heads together and no .. she does NOT want to go live with her .. then .. be stepping on it, to find a facility ...
But I realize .. and that's where I continue to struggle .. I HAVE ZERO control over the above .. absolutely ZERO ....
I mean .. c'mon .. if she can't manage .. (even though SIL would like to sell it that she is managing okay these days) ..
THEN WHAT DO YOU DO?
We all know what you do ... you make some tough choices.
Not continue to shove this to my side of the table to keep stomaching it. That's not one of the tough choices.
****and yes .. it makes me crazy .. as I asked of YD .. "why is SIL the one calling you .. why isn't MIL calling you if she needs help to get somewhere*****
YD's answer: "MIL doesn't know that she's calling and asking".
Uhm .. when YD calls MIL .. "Hey g'ma .. I heard you have an appointment with your orthopedic doctor next week ......".
MIL knows where YD heard that .. it certainly wasn't from DH (who is on the sidelines .. it certainly wasn't from me .. I'm out of the loop). MIL knows where it came from .. that SIL would've put a bug in her ear to ask that.
So ... that too, what used to make me so absolutely crazy. Why am I fielding all these requests from SIL .. to see to her getting hither and yon ............ MIL knows my phone #, .. she can ask me. I would ask that of SIL .. and she'd say "well she knows how busy you guys are and hates to bother you".
Okay but she doesn't mind that YOU BOTHER ME?!?!?!?
Same thing continues, to this day .. only it's YD that is fielding the requests now, not me.
YD ... she will do "some" (simply because she's a good/caring person). But she too, will find herself used up .. and .. more often than was the case with me, .. unable/unwilling to re-work her social calendar to accommodate the above. She won't do it if she has to work .. on her days working .. she will tell SIL no . she has to work, and that's that .. she will not be one willing to take off work to make it happen .. but on her days off (she stays pretty busy with her friends when she isn't working, to be truthful) .. if she doesn't already have something planned .. she'll do it, simply because she is kind. But if she does have something planned .. she'll tell SIL no. As was the case the other day with a request to take MIL to a vet appt that afternoon.
The housekeeper mentioned that appointment also, that she'd been asked if she could do so, and given the answer no, that she had a client for housecleaning that afternoon. Housekeeper then imparting .. "sounds like she was able to get there .. does she still drive some .. I thought she wasn't driving anymore ... ??... your sister in law said they help her .. at the vet".
I said in response: "Yea they do .. they will, she'll call them from the parking lot and they'll come out and get the dog from her, and then she only has to hobble herself in .. not her and the dog".
Just some interesting goings on ....
Leaving town later this afternoon for my leaf peeping pilgrimage .. and can't come soon enough!
It won't last. Your daughters will get used up/burned up really quickly and will refuse. Neighbors also. The housekeeper, also. The neighbors probably wonder why she is still free ranging after all the dramas---and probably a little worried.
Can't MIL call an UBER? We use those a lot--hubby travels and he now is addicted to Uber picking him up and hauling him and suitcases to the airport. I have used them in cities where I don't want/need to rent a car.
Let SIL pick up the charge!! (there needs to be a CC on file--let SIL handle that).
Did you ever, honestly, really think SIL was going to do a single thing to get her mother moved closer to her? That wasn't really the issue, it was moving to her ANYPLACE for better care, and likely that would be in the city you live in. BUT, nobody's doing it, so you're all just sitting, waiting for that big fall.
And it's going to happen. I think, the people who read and post on your "novel" are all collectively holding their breath, waiting for that exact thing.
Enjoy the weekend and the leaves. We had a lovely fall here, I am also headed out to VA where my daughter reports it's really lovely.
I do hope Queen N doesn't kibosh your plans somehow. She's been known to do so...finger crossed!
Underline the "MIL" above ............... can't "MIL" ... if she is "fine and can manage" .. can't SHE BE THE ONE to see to the above, .. any of the above options. Why is SIL facilitating it all for her, .. "she's fine .. she manages okay these days".
No way MIL could manage an UBER app. She doesn't even have a cell phone with "app" capability, nor a desire to have one .. or desire to learn to use one. Her's is the old style flip phone and she's fine with that (rarely even turns it on).
SIL .. very adept at same, and could (yes) manage that for her mother .. if she so chooses.
Interesting, sitting here this morning, just linking some directions to my phone .. and making notes .. and YD comes out, cell phone in hand, .. ding .. ding ..
She says, "SIL!!!!!!!!!!!!".
She then goes on to read it out loud .. I guess .. a reminder .. (if the other day's request wasn't enough) .. "Just a note to remind you guys (remember, she got little to no response the other day when requesting from daughters here on site) .. Just a note to remind you guys, sounds like your folks will be leaving later this afternoon .. and won't be back til Sunday late, .. if you would check in with g'ma .. while they're gone . .let me know if there's any problems I need to be aware of, please and thank you".
YD reading all this aloud .. (thinking out loud) .. then reads what OD responded (remember OD never responded the other day) .. "Yea sure .. I work 12 hour days and so .. not sure how much I can do .. but I will check in on g'ma when I get a chance, and btw .. I'm aware my parents are leaving town).
DD responding: "I have a lot on my plate with 3 kids .. and I am volunteering some at daughter's school, vet appointment for my dog, doc appt for me .. and not sure how much time I'll have .. but I'll do my best".
YD said that SIL had responded to the above with: "ok sure, I know how busy all of you are, . .maybe just a quick phone call, and I've already spoken to her wonderful neighbors too and asked them to be on the lookout also".
YD .. if she responded to the above, didn't tell me what she responded, and I didn't ask.
YD now continuing to talk out loud of the above .. not as to what she responded, . but only thinking/talking out loud .. "me too, I'm working too, so not sure how much help I'll be either".
No response from me to YD and her thinking/talking out loud.
Enjoy your leaf-peeping trip!
Mil use to dribble out that crap line. She seems to have stopped- seemingly understanding that she in fact - can’t manage.
So SIL, having received that memo, trots out the “time for mom to move here - but in the interim Let’s All Pull Together”.
I will translate that “I need to pretend I want my mother here - which I really don’t as I’d have to adjust MY life - but I need to maintain the farce that I’m the most caring, devoted daughter on the planet - so I’ll SAY that but string it along as long as I can. Since mother obviously isn’t managing - I KNOW mothers not managing - but I’ll keep saying that cause it props up my intention to NEVER move mother anywhere near me - but if I bluff that BS line - I can probably get others to play ball - at least for a while. Not Dorker of course - but that patsy YD and the housekeeper. Wonder how long I can sucker the neighbors before they get fed up?”
SIL KNOWS her mother isn’t managing. But to admit that would be akin to admitting she’s allowing her own mother to remain living in an unsafe environment. What kind of daughter does that? So sil lies - maybe even to herself but I doubt that. I think Sil knows exactly what she’s doing.
When your husband starts pushing it on you to take her to appointments "I told you months ago i'm out of it. You, your sister, and mother have had plenty of time to get together and address this. The fact that you have not does not make this my issue. I would suggest you get on the phone with sister and get this move to AL a reality"
Not your monkeys, not your circus. Stay strong.
Nobody wants to be treated that way, and if the actual "favor" or act of helping MIL in the first place isn't bad enough, her constant nagging will burn them out soon enough! Your plan is working, unfortunately at the expense of others, or at the expense of MIL should she fall and suffer an injury, but it still will work, if you hold strong. Your daughter's will understand! The others, housekeeper, neighbors and others may not, but that's not your problem.
The sooner Everyone figures it out and backs off, the better for MIL, who herself is already coming to the understanding that she is not managing at all, which we all know is very difficult for her, wanting to stay independent and all, but at some point in the majority of all elders, independence is taken out of their hands due you age and frailty.
She doesn't even like or enjoy nor probably even appreciates the MOW, but she knows she is unable to shop and prepare her own food, let alone shop, clean up (sufficiently) or handle the veterinary care of her dog, which I do understand is her entire world!
Soon she will stop eating the MOW, and become even more weakened physically, and then probably be more apt to fall.
I hope that does not happen, or even worse she have a more serious or different health crisis, before her kids come up with a better plan in which to care for her long term, in a Senior Care Facility, or in her Daughter's home!
At this point, I don't even think her Son and Daughter would care what the Crisis might be, as long as it either means that their Mom either goes off onto the big cloud in the sky, or forces their hand at putting her into a Senior facility, I only hope that they don't end up with Severe guilt, knowing that they Could have pre-empted Any of this by coming together and figuring out the solution before something were to have happened to her! The whole thing is just so Sad!
It's the apprehension of it all. The apprehension that she will take a nasty horrible, painful spill that debilitates her and puts her in that nursing home she so dreads .. and doesn't want to end up in. That whole dread/apprehension. I hate that for her.
Then trying to .. (because this is in my face, all these months later, even still .. ) .. wrap my brain around and own it, wear it, live it, breathe it, be it .. "not my circus/not my monkey".
As someone else said ... "just because someone doesn't choose to live their life the way you think they should, .. doesn't mean you have to swoop in and pick up the pieces of the mess they make". Indeed. So very true.
But the dread... the apprehension .. it's still there.
The dread/apprehension .. of having to "fight" with DH . who will turn to me, as this crumbles .. as far as any "real" viability of anyone to keep doing what Dorker used to do. And it ultimately lands in his lap .. SIL pushing it over to his side of the table .. and me over here, pushing it back at him. Having to "fight" with him ..
I don't want to "fight" with anybody.
If you all remember, .. (furthering my stance here) ... I tried ............ countless times .. to get SIL, myself and DH .. as the person here on the front lines .. let's sit down and talk about how unmanageable this all has become and what the approach should be going forward.
Nobody wanted to make the time to listen to me ..
Fine, they don't have to. I get that. But I also don't have to step into the gap to fill it, and I have stepped out of that gap and there I will remain.
But the "fight" with DH that is coming. I don't care to "fight". Your mom, .. your deal. I helped. It would be one thing if I never lifted a finger in any of this .. ever .. I did, for a very very long time. I tried .. tried to get your mom on the page that she isn't able to manage, .. tried to get you on the page, your sister on the page .. countless times. Nobody wanted to address it. Just keep kicking the damn can down the road!
Still ..................doesn't make it MY PROBLEM. I said it, months ago .. that I'm out of this .. I will go and visit her, with you, if you'd like, .. go and take her to lunch or dinner, with you, if you'd like .. she's YOUR MOM .......... the days of my standing in your stead .. on a situation that is no longer viable .. OVER. I've said it. So get with your sister and your mom and figure out what to do, but turning to me isn't an option".
In fact I will be blood boiling furious that I am being pushed .. back into that corner, if it goes that way.
But Dorker, she's not dead yet ... she's still alive out there and she can't do it all, she just needs help, just this once .. I try .. I try to what I can .. but I can't do all this .. .. she DOES NOT want to leave her home. She doesn't wanna go live with SIL ... you know what a PITA sister is ... she drives her crazy.
Not my problem DH ....Not fighting with you about this. Your Mom, "doesn't" want to have to leave her home, I DON'T want to be in the step n damn fetch role any longer.
Not my mom .. so .. what are YOU and YOUR sister going to do about it, working with YOUR MOM!
I have two large White Oak trees in my front yard. I’ve wanted to take them out for years.
So, I investigate and get loose bids. $5,000 - 7,000. The trees are in awkward spots and require a crane and our electricity being turned off for a full day each.
Last spring I mention to my brother that I’m planning to take these trees out and ask if he’d like the wood. White Oak is excellent firewood- after curing a year. My fireplaces are gas. Brother burns a lot of wood in his “cabin” vacation home (five bedrooms) that is an hour from my house. Brother says yes.
So in September brother texts me about when the trees are coming down. I replied that I haven’t really moved on it yet but will - and will let him know.
Frankly, I’m procrastinating as I don’t relish doing without the electricity- plus the whole hassle of it all. But - my trees, my choice, right?
Now brother is mad at me - not speaking to me. Not by text or phone or smoke signal - as the timing has become inconvenient for him - getting the wood. Mind you - brother is quite well off and it’s not like he will be going without heat in his little “cabin” in the woods.
There was a time when I would have stopped the presses to get these trees out - so brother wouldn’t be mad or inconvenience- regardless of how it effected me or my family. “Yes brother, I’ll jump right on it so you can get all this high quality, free firewood on a schedule that suits you”.
You’re worrying about the row that is sure to come when dh is getting inconvenienced having to look after HIS mother. Maybe he’ll have to shuffle or skip some of the extra curricular activities that he likes to do. Bummer.
I agree that that brewhaha is coming - said as much several posts ago. But SERIOUSLY? REALLY?
Why on God’s green earth are we the bad guys in these ridiculous scenarios? Are your dh and my brother really so obliviously obtuse that they can’t see how selfish and self centered they’re being?
Evidently. It’s almost comical.
It's almost like they are both posturing, waiting for you to "flip out", so Do It already!
Simply put, She Not Your Mother, and it's not your cross to bear, you've burned yourself out already. Gosh, I cannot fathom the stress you are putting upon yourself thinking about this day in and day out, and when and if hubby does get to that conversation of "Dorker, please help, just one more time, cant you just help me", God Help Him, as you're just about going to tear his head off, if you haven't done so already, and it's simply not fair for your marriage to be under this constant strain over His Mother! Not that SIL cares about your Marriage!
SIL is home, back in LAA LAA LAND, and may get thinking that you have simply stepped back from your Step-n-Fetch role, but has no idea just how much you are agonizing about the eventual outcome for your MIL, out of pure Love and Caring about her! For all You know, SIL is just Pissed Off at you for no longer helping in the first place! And she's going behind your back, knowing full well that your own children are going to include you in her annoying communications and requests from her, causing you even more distress over this situation! Oh Gheez, this Whole situation just Pizzes me off!
I hope you truly enjoy your time away! You need break from thinking about all of this!
Here's something I'm wondering, though...is your mother going to come stay with you or not? If she does come to stay (for more than a few days), will H get nasty because she is living at your home and you aren't doing anything for Narcissa? (Just wondering if this could come up...)
The irony of it all, .. I am a worrier, .. I truly am. As DH says of me, "For God's sake, you worry about EVERYTHING ............if there's nothing to worry about .. you worry what is it you forgot to worry about".
I get it. Yep. Guilty as charged.
Wish I wasn't.
His sister .. if there is someone worse than me, at being a worrier, it's her. I know her.
So if I'M WORRIED ABOUT his mom .. what the Hades is she doing? I'd be wringing my hands til they were worn to nubs if it was my mom, .. and I'm the worrier I know she is.
I think .. personally, just MO .............I think no one is really wringing their hands at this point, sure in the knowledge Dorker will be back on the game .. in no time at all.
This is just a minor hiccup. Dorker will get over it all, .. and sure .. Dorker has had a nest rice from it all, ... she'll step back up in no time.
Uhm, no.
I wish I could make the players in all of this understand .. I don't know if I don't articulate clearly enough .. I don't know, do they not care ... do they not comprehend .. I don't know.
I DID THIS .. for a very very long time. I didn't have to. I didn't do anything I ever did out of fear of fighting with DH or anyone else. I did it .. for a very long time, out of love/care/concern for all involved. MIL . .needing help .. as a good person, who does the "right thing", I stepped up, .. willingly and with a loving heart. I did this because I know DH doesn't have time .. he truly doesn't (guess he'll have to make time or .. not .. up to him).
They had in me, for a long long time, someone reliable, someone who actually cares .. and had MIL's best interest at heart, .. as well as DH's ..
That is the God's honest truth.
When it became more unmanageable and I began making noise to that tune .. and ignored, . .that's when I began to get angry, but I stayed the course .... MIL needing help, all the while making more and more noise. Noise that went unheard.
Until I burned out ...
I tried to get all involved to have "adult dialogue" on this whole thing, to no avail.
Those boundaries we all talk about. That's when I began to look at, .. and take steps to, .. I don't have to keep marching to the beat of this drum. Simply put, I'm done.
You all think she manages, . you all think she so fervently wants to stay in her home .. and dug in like an Alabama tick .. and not leaving. Okay .. you're fine with it, .. I guess I'll have to be, not my mom.
But that still .. in no way/shape/form, ... still ... doesn't mean .. "oh we've put our heads together and we decided she wants to stay in her home, . that means ALL of us are going to have to keep hopping to that beat". Nope.
Those that want to, knock yourselves out. Those that don't want to, bow out .. gracefully. Precisely what I've done.
So for anyone to come at me .. DH .. with the whole, "I can't do this .... I have a business to run here ... I don't have time".
Well that sounds like a problem you need to work through with your mom, . and your sister .. this has what to do with me?
It's coming .. particularly since I now find out the housekeeper is going to be putting in a call to SIL . she .. no longer an option as to transport to and fro doc appts.
It's coming.
DH will be pushed . by SIL .. to facilitate same. He . now pushing back .. on me .. that he can't. He will, "some" . he will rework his schedule "some". I know him. He will do it. But .. I'm not kidding .. give him 2 or 3 times .. and more to the point, merely within about a two week span of time, that he's had to take what is an entire afternoon off .. (because MIL is slow slow slow, . .and so are other elderly people, everywhere across the world .. welcome to my world as I managed this for .. oh .. FOREVER), .. two or three times .. of him having to adjust his world, over a short span of time and it's gonna hit the fan.
The path of least resistance .. will be me, . or so it's thought.
Nope.
My life has changed. I now have 3 g'children that I adore and try to spend as much time as I can with (just watched them all yesterday .. all day .. while DD ran some much needed errands .. sans kids with her), . had the 4 yo last night to spend the night. I now work p/t . in add'n to helping DH with his biz .. which has always been a factor, .. I enjoy my office work that I do to volunteer at the church. I've got a pretty full schedule as it is .. and I will be going .. "some" to see my mom .. once she moves to SC.
Nope .. said it .. months ago .. it's becoming unmanageable. Nobody wanted to sit and have some adult conversation about what options need to be considered. I guess you guys can keep kicking the can down the road .. or not.
It does make me livid that I was in that position for a very very long time .. of my own free will ............ and I guess somewhere in all that .. I wrongly assumed .. the day comes that it's no longer manageable . other steps will be taken. HA! Couldn't of been more wrong.
Still .. doesn't mean I'm stepping back in it. I dread any "fight", don't wish to "fight" with anybody about all of this. I dread what may await MIL's fate with this precarious situation she remains in.
But none of the above is MINE TO FIX. I know that. Now weathering the oncoming fight .. weathering .. it all.
The same recurrent crap that has been going on.. since the beginning of this whole confounded thread! It continues .. to this day!
The answer is "an emergency is something unexpected. Your mom needs more ongoing help than we here can provide.
You've known about this for quite some time, and so has your sister.
If your mom is competent and managing, then she can manage to get herself to appointments or arrange for help, without us.
Or she can't and needs assistance that needs to be provided by you, SIL, hired help or Social Services.
But it's NOT going to be provided by ME, because that would enable this charade of her independence ."
That may be the only way the “get” it, but with them, maybe not.
You are allowed to confront them/him in what you know are truly bad decisions on their part. If DH comes to you asking you to pick up where you left off because it puts too much pressure on him, sorry DH, tell him it’s not going to happen. Guess what, they’ve had ample time to plan but have decided to do nothing.
If either of them has the nerve to even think they have a right to “guilt” you into taking care of THEIR MOTHER, they deserve your anger. You count Dorker. Expressing your feelings & solutions is not a bad thing. The situation won’t require a “fight” unless they choose to push you over your limits and continue to choose to ignore you. Be ready to defend your position. Gather up that anger in you and use it. Anger can be productive. If they both have no respect for your opinion & then want you to step back up, you had better believe if I were you it would be a no brainer for me to confront them. If it’s a fight then so be it.
You are the only adult in the room! MIL isn’t going away. And she is not your mother!!! These two continue to dance around the issue while their mother is alone & vulnerable.
Also, you have no control over “the event” if it occurs. It could happen even in a SNF or with 24/7 in home aides.
How can either of them live with that? That’s what I’d be asking them.
Remember SIL is putting a dog ahead of her mother. She can take 4 days to fly to Florida, pack up her mom, and take her home with her while her husband completes his rehab. Truth is, SIL doesn’t want to work that hard
Sorry, but the same with your DH. In his spare time, he goes hunting and chooses to renovate an older Church.
It’s consuming you Dorker and not in a good way. If you have to have a fight to defend your decisions it won’t be because you choose it. Don’t be frightened to speak your mind.