I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Our daughter had the good sense to stop that once her daughter was born. Our daughter sometimes had dinner at one house, dessert at the other. One year, we had Thanksgiving dinner with the grandparents and our family. The next day, we had leftovers with all of our kids. On years that our daughter and family were going to be out of town for Christmas, we had a holiday meal all together the Sunday before they left, right down to presents. We all agreed that we were fine with flexing days, just so we could be together as always.
I know that celebrating on the day is important to you, but with adult kids, adapting traditions helps relieve the stress while maintaining the important part....being together.
But things change and we don’t have any control over it. People pass away, relationships collapse, and more often than not as adults we have to cope with attitudes, traditions etc just going “poof”.
I must admit that I do have such great memories of holidays past so make me long for those, when for the past 20 years or so, holidays have been just “so-so” if not more disappointing.
I have worked at letting this go too, Dorker, and while it is heartbreaking (and it still is to me if I allow it to be) I have sort of accepted that my holidays going forward will never be that way anymore.
I too love this time of year, but my having such huge expectations of “what should be” seriously get in the way of my having the enjoyment I had growing up.
I personally feel much better when they are over. I can get too overwhelmed with yearning for the past thus I shut it out & breath a sigh of relief come January 1. That time is gone. I was lucky to have all those years but they are, again, gone & over.
What gets me through now is my faith. Of remembering what Christmas means - new beginnings and restoration of the feeing of “new”; the birth of the Christchild, the 3 Kings, the Star above the manger. Corny but works for me; it HAS to, or I will devolve into depression from living in the past- one that’s long g o n e.
I can understand how you feel; doesn’t it stink how life, relationships and reality “muck” it up for us? So we have to be the adults in the room & trudge through it all.
We just had DD and company the other night, for dinner, in celebration of her husband's 30th bday. The whole shebang of them. Difference being, YD wasn't here (she won't be here on t-giving either, has to work), nor was OD here and her s/o .. having to work (she will be here on t-giving).
Very much the reality that things change .. people have their own lives and responsibilities and it's not the Norman Rockwell holidays that one might picture. Probably never was.
I have great memories growing up myself, of all the family gathering at my granny's house .. complete with dozens of cousins .. and aunts and uncles. My granny absolutely loved having everyone, .. she lived for it. I'm cut, kind from that same mold (not as good as she was though).
It's kinda like .. for me anyway .. if I let myself go there (I don't) .. it's almost as if I wish that DD would say, . "gee . ya know .. who is it that's there for me, it's damn sure not my mother in law .. who pays no mind at all to the twins .. ever .. walks right past them when they are in her presence, never even acknowledging either one .. and that hurts me terribly ... who is it that I can call on and DO CALL ON ROUTINELY . it's MY MOM ... so .. ya know ... she can go pound sand .. we'll see HER for dessert .. not my mom, .. I'm going to make it a point to be at MY MOM'S table ... MY MOM is the one I can count on and she thoroughly enjoys ALL of us .. not just the 4 yo".
That has never happened, and it won't. To leave them .. and not go in their direction, .. there are no other children (well the stepdad has kids .. grown kids . two of them .. they live in another state and rarely visit .. and there are tensions there .. tensions rooted in what .. I don't know .. none of my business ... and so they rarely come around and when they do, it usually doesn't end well) .. and so there is only DD's husband .. and so if they skip out on their presence there .. it's just the bio mom there and her mother, .. and the stepdad .. nobody else. I guess that's a prospect that maybe is too sad to ponder.
It was this way before they even had kids .. I guess .. who knows .. maybe BECAUSE he is an only child. To leave them to their own .. sans his presence .. just too sad. I don't really know.
And yes, it's going to get increasingly harder for them to be all things to all people on any given holiday now that they have 3 kids. I knew that would be the case as their family grows.
If I were her .. I'd probably tell all of us, "I'm staying home and we're eating PBJ's .. we're not going ANYWHERE".
I can't imagine having to lug three kids around and try to eat and be merry .. all in one day. I never had to do that. I had 3 sets of parents here through the years that my kids were growing up. DH's .. and my mom and her husband and my dad and his wife ..
Somehow we juggled it by alternating .. and/or staying home to do out own thing. Maybe mom didn't get to see all of us at her Easter table ... but she maybe had us at her Xmas table, that kinda thing.
We managed it, through the years, as millions of other families do .. or we stayed home and did our own thing .. and invited whomever of the above to come here.
I guess that would be what I would hope would be the case with DD and family .. what she saw modeled. But I don't guess that's how her world operates. It does make me sad .. that it seems I never get to enjoy them .. at the table of a holiday meal .. they are running .. usually hither and yon and stressed out and too full to eat if they get here, (IF they get here, which they sometimes don't, at all .. too stressed and they get held up at her MIL's .. who can't get anything done on time) .. and so they scrap the rest of the day once done there, and go home (I would too, if her in her shoes). Full/stressed/tired .. I'd go home too.
What I'd do though, is alternate. That's what I did do .. all the years my kids were growing up. But neither DH nor myself are an only child.
I have to just wrap my brain around the reasons for the season .. and be grateful for those .. and the realization that I DO get to see them ... (sometimes) more than I'd like.
As for MIL and the fact there have been no more calamities recently. I can only attribute that to the following. Remember, forever and ever .. she absolutely staunchly refused MOW .. wouldn't even hear of it.
That has changed. She now takes MOW. She is eating better. At one time, . her condition seemed to perpetually rotate around her lack of adequate nutrition .. and she thought it sufficient to exist on a grape or two and a cracker. That's no longer the case. So, .. at least on that front, her nutrition is better seen to. Thus, she isn't rotating around being sick, eating the wrong things .. being weak. etc.
As to not taking her meds, which was also routinely an issue, causing the edema and cellulitis ...
I have no idea if that is now being seen to better than it was. It seems it must be, because I don't hear a lot of squawking that she needs to go to the doctor .. that the swelling is so bad. That used to be the case ..very much so .. and the whole thing over and over and over .. and the doc telling her if she's not going to take the diuretic .. she needs to wear support hose. If I heard that once, it seems it was a thousand times, as we'd go off again .. in pursuit of help with her swelling lower extremities, etc.
Seems there is maybe some better management of the above than used to be the case. I can only attribute that to .. (and that sounds like I'm tooting my own horn .. and I'm not .. believe me, I AM NOT *all that and a bag'o'chips* as they say). Maybe there has been some realization and recognition of the fact that Dorker has stepped off in a big way and is no longer in the roads to satisfy the whims of this whole dilemma .. period. And absent Dorker's willingness/ability to do so .. there is no one else. There truly is no one else ... that is the fact. YD does help .. and has taken MIL to a few doc appts .. but YD works .. and so her availability is limited. She is the only other soul that can be called upon .. and chances are real high .. you might put in a call to her, .. not knowing her schedule, and find she is at work, and can't be called upon. There's her son ... but he too .. he's working .. and can't be in the road all the time in pursuit of fools errands .. (MIL's refusal to see about her diuretic which then causes a host of problems). The housekeeper has been called upon a few times .. by SIL . .for routine doc visits. But the housekeeper, she too .. not someone who can drop at the dime .. and run pick up MIL and have her seen at a doc ... she has other houses to clean .. that's what she does for a living. And .. I happened to have run into her at the tire store and her telling me she has picked up another client or two which is going to limit her availability to haul MIL to doc appts.
There truly is no one else .. there's no one else that is in this orbit .. that can drop and deal with it all.
Has there been some recognition and realization on MIL's part that she better see to her meds .. and keep that more in check .. because Dorker is no longer at the ready . to run the roads and there isn't anyone else to do it.
Is that what has made the difference? I don't really know, but it's the only conclusion I can come to, either that or .. she's sitting out there with the worst case of cellulitis and swollen lower extremities known to man .. and no one knows it. Her son surely wouldn't .. he is too busy doing churching stuff .. when he isn't working .. (yes said with much sarcasm) .. he certainly isn't attending to his mother!
Whatever it is that has made the difference .. I'm grateful. Very. For her, and for the rest of us.
Something has made a difference .. just not sure if I'm right in what my assessment is of it all.
My DH and I had 3 sets of parents who wrangled with us about each and every holiday. We rotated. But this caused problems too - if one of the set of adults could't do one then they expected the next holiday and it got to be a mess. I hated it. Lugging our son either across country flying during busy and snowy season - delays/cancellations. Or on the road six hours. Just so someone could have a Norman Rockwell holiday which it wasn't and never was. There are just too many expectations around holidays and emotions run high. My In Laws guilt tripped, my mom played the martyr, and my dad blew his top.
When our son was two - we said "no more" Holidays are at home us setting our own traditions. The only holiday we travel for now is christmas and we do it on another date than Christmas. There are other siblings and it is just easier for all of us to get together the Sunday after christmas or whatever. OUR stress levels have gone way down, we love the holidays, and we love the sharing with our son.
My In laws are coming on Wednesday for Thanksgiving and leaving on Friday. They have already started complaining about the menu. Yes, we are having Turkey and cranberry sauce and stuffing - but they want to find out HOW i am preparing all of the above so they can make sure i do it the way they want. Are you surprised that i'm dreading Thursday? My husband told them that if they want to order the food he can recommend a restaurant otherwise the meal preparation is our choice and we are not going to review it or debate it with them.
You are doing the right thing even though your feelings are hurt. Your daughter knows and will remember with love the way you helped with her children and also were understanding of her life and stresses and didn't push her on them. Trust me - she is grateful. I know it seems a little ridiculous that she can't tell her inlaws - we are having dinner this year at mom's, but we've all been there where the stress is so much that we can't deal with it all and just say "f - it!!" and try to get through it.
You are being the adult and gracious one in all of this. Good for you.
It's hard to make the changes as time goes on, to accept that what had "always been" is no longer. The weight of tradition just collapses. My nuclear family is very fractured and we no longer get together at Christmas, nor really any other time of the year. I do feel bad about it, but not bad enough to kill myself organizing a huge party and planning it and PAYING for it--and then less than half the people show up---NOBODY RSVP's, ever and so I never know who is coming, who isn't. Some people are embarrassingly late---yes, the 2 hour lateness is rampant in my family...and for someone to whom being 10 minutes early to everything, that is grating....
In my own "little" family, I have 5 kids, 5 spouses, 13 grandkids....so we do have to rotate and be VERY flexible with each other. This is my "off year" and I wasn't going to cook a thing--just DH and I were going out. My daughter decided that my cooking every year for the last 32 years was crazy and said "It's time for us girls (ages 40, 36, 33, and 31) to step up let you relax a little. I jumped on that bandwagon!
We HAVE to be conscious of the "other families" and not let our feelings be hurt. We have not all been together for Christmas or any other major holiday for 5 years. And we may never be in the forseeable future. I don't love that, but it is what it is.
My guess is, when my mother laments the passing of the traditions we grew up with, she is sugarcoating it in her mind. I remember her just going off the rails with anxiety and stress. It wasn't perfect. Nobody's holidays are. We put SO MUCH expectation on one or two days, and it just cannot be perfect.
I try to go with the flow. We have Christmas brunch here at noon, the kids open their gifts, we SKYPE with the families who live away, and just hang out.
I try to be understanding and invite everyone to our place and then sit back and let things happen. I can't control anything, except how I react....so....I'm working on lowering my expectations of the holidays. Each one is different from the rest, there are a very few "traditions" and we just try to enjoy the company of whomever we do get to see.
So far, my kids have been really good to split their time with the families. We have a little struggle with our DIL, as her family all lives 50 miles north of us and they are also a "divorced family" so she has to try to see her dad and his wife, her mom and her hubby--plus myriad cousins and such. My son hates being with her family, but he does his part.
I heave a sigh of relief on Jan 1--actually the tree comes down Dec. 26th....yep, I'm one of those. Don't love January and the snow---but it's a quiet break from the nonstop partying that begins in October!
Dorker--I think you're already stressed about SIL's upcoming Christmas visit--and you are right to have no expectations that she will actually follow through with moving MIL to her state...actually, it would be time better spent getting MIL ready to move to a NH closer to your family, who obviously care more for her!! Just stick to your "disengaged" state and enjoy the holidays with whomever shows up.
My son jokingly says (all the time!) "The key to a happy life is lowered expectations". Maybe he's on to something!!
Wake up before dawn to have Christmas coffee and exchange a gift with each other. Pack up the car - for what’s to come.
Drive across town to my parents place for brunch and gift exchange with our whole family. Pack up the car...
Drive further out across town to her mothers house for a somewhat early Christmas dinner and gift exchange with her entire family. Pack up the car...
Drive back across town to met their son (he had just seen them at brunch and dinner) and his small family for Christmas dessert and gift exchange - thankfully their other son came at this same time for their family get together. Pack up the car... head home.
Personally- I would have booked two tickets to Hawaii.
But that's in her control .. and she chooses .. to not control it. I wouldn't have a problem forgoing their presence .. I do already .. in lieu of "ma we're going to his family this year .. for thanksgiving, but we'll see you on Christmas .. and you guys will get us for that one .. but we won't be seeing you at all on Thanksgiving". I don't have a problem in the world with that .. never have .. it's what I did all thru the years ...
I'm not the mother in all of this that has ever uttered the words, "we all live 10 minutes apart here .. it's not that hard". Those words never came out of my mouth. I think that is a sentiment owned by her mother in law. And .. because I don't wish to amp up daughter's stress level .. I don't fight it .. I just do without them at my holiday table.
It's said "if people want to spend time with you, they will make it happen, they'll find the time". Maybe she simply doesn't want to .. maybe it's just that in a nutshell.
Find that hard to believe however, as she is here .. a LOT LOT LOT .. spending time with me .. a LOT. We were just out shopping the other day .. she and I, and kids in tow .. all day and lunching out.
Because of what occurs routinely ... her presence in my life which is a mainstay .. her and the kids, I choose to think the above isn't really at play.
I think it truly does come down to .. in the end .. for her .. and her world .. to leave the other mother high and dry ... with no presence from her son (and I understand .. daughter wants to be with her husband .. and not come this way and he go his way, I get that) ... to tell her husband .. "no we're not going to your mom's this specific holiday .. I don't care that she lives 10 minutes from where my mom lives, I'm not running the streets all day .. and I WANT TO GO TO MY MOM'S".
I choose to think that fight .. that whole debacle .. is not worth the hassle it will create in her life to do so .. and the .. I don't know .. I don't know the inner workings of the in law relationship there .. would that cause the world to come to an end in that part of her corner. I don't know.
So .. what happens is what I described, routinely ... on holidays .. I may have OD here (which is always also a pleasure ... because she works so much that I don't get to see enough of her, and enjoy her company) .. I may even have YD here .. but .. routinely I do not have DD and her kids here .. that is routine, every holiday.
They may stop by later .. after they have filled their gullets to the gills .. and are miserably full and .. maybe exhausted from the day (or not . .sometimes they never do get by here) .. and usually .. DD is pizzed .. royally .. because her PREFERENCE had been to be HERE .. with HER family .. (or so she says) .. and enjoying the day HERE .. and she'd done what she could to maybe try to make that happen .. placating that they go in the direction of her husband's mom .. maybe and satisfy that requirement, but also here .. knowing full well it would be taxing and stress filled to do it. But what ends up happening is that the mother on that end, consistently runs late .. and I'm no talking 30 mins late .. really really late .. like .. hours late .. and so .. by the time all is said and done on their end, .. things are over with on this end .. and they might as well not bother.
So if they do get by here .. and they don't .. not usually .. DD is stressed out and miserable .. and taxed beyond belief by the day's events .. and her mother in law having fouled up the day entirely with her being so untimely with her prep .. and it's not really very pleasant to have them come this way.
It's not how I would have her do things. I would have her swap out holidays and I am completely fine with that .. and have said so .. numerous times ... thru the years (even before there were any g'kids in the picture). But for whatever the reasons .. that doesn't fly in her world.
So, almost always .. I may even be fortunate enough to have the other two daughters (not always in their cases either .. work gets in the way at times, .. and/or the OD has to go to her s/o's family). But .. almost always .. even if I have some variation of above, I do not have DD and company here.
But .. see above .. I see them ALL THE TIME. There are those who don't get to see their kids/g'kids .. because they live out of town. I am blessed that I don't have that as my situation .. and DD is here A LOT .. on the scene .. and/or I am at her house .. she shares her kids/life with me .. very very much. So, I don't think it's that she chooses to not come this way. I think it's just that her stress level and dealing with in laws who maybe aren't as accommodating as to it all . .maybe it's just easier to "disappoint" on this end, than it is to "fight" on that end. Who can say.
I do see them ALL THE TIME though .. and it's "just another day", I guess, in the end.
I guess there is a part of me that would like to say out loud, "okay let me get this straight ...??..... I hear you and your husband both beefing that his folks act like the twins don't exist at all, taking zero interest in them and how that hurts your feelings .. and yet she beckons you be front and center for holidays meals and you guys jump to the beat of that drum .. splain that to me .. ... you certainly don't find that in YOUR MOTHER .. shouldn't that count for something?!?!??".
But to do the above would only result in bitterness and anger ... and more stress heaped upon DD and her world. So why do that? Thus, I do not. But it does sum up . .some of what I feel. But .. people make their choices .. for any number of reasons valid and maybe not so valid. I choose to not be a PITA over it. But it does sting a bit.
I imagine having to spend the day - with someone who can’t keep a schedule- while trying to almost single handily wrangle infant twins - will be more than dd can’t handle. Especially when she knows that things would be very different with the twins other grandma.
Her mother in law has been over the moon with the 4 year old, and yes even when the 4 year old was a little baby. We guess, we suppose, .. it's the intimidation of two of them at once .. and it is intimidating for sure .. to those of us who don't live it daily as DD does. DD describes that if the twins get any attention at all, .. it's a basic baby talk for a minute .. as they (they being mother in law and step dad in law) then move on to other interests pretty quickly.
I'm here to agree .. it is intimidating. Until you realize that sometimes one is going to have to cry til you finish with the other one. And for someone who doesn't do that routinely as part of my day (DD does) .. it's upsetting .. I don't like to have either of them cry .. not if I can fix it. I just .. I can't fix it, if I'm working with one, and the other starts crying. We all guess therein lies the problem. It's not "babies" per se .. as some have problems with babies in general .. and wanna wait til they are bigger and can interact better. It's not "babies" that's the problem .. it's that there are two at one time .. that's what we have come up with.
Yes, if it were me, I'd probably not stick around long .. no hands to help . have to lug everything you need when there .. and ........ nothing in the way of punctuality .. I'd not stay long.
But that's up to her .. her in laws .. not mine.
Christmas Day we had the big dinner at Gma's house. Traditional Turkey and Christmas pudding. Don't forget this was during and just after WW11 in the UK. There were silver charms and coins in the pudding and there was great excitement about who found one. Short-lived though as granny collected up all the cahrms to use for next year and then passed an envelope round so we could put our coins in to help the blind. One Christmas I remember Uncle J got some ice cream which I had never had before. Luckily it was a cold snowy day so uncle kept it frozen out in the snow. We did not own fridges, let alone freezers in those days.
We used to have the "orphling" table with the big event and invite folks that didn't have holiday family to celebrate with. Husband and I enjoyed for many years and it worked because it controlled environment for our son with autism. Later, I realized that it had become expensive and a freebie for folks that complained if we didn't have huge variety of stuff that we had in the beginning. Or folks that showed up late with no addition to feast and wanted to take leftovers. Different attitudes with generation and it seemed to follow the breakdown in "family meals" overall that I've seen happening. I've decided that talking with someone and enjoying time whatever day it is beats a stressed holiday. My in-laws complain mightily, but I just can't do it any more. And the next generation coming up doesn't want to take it over. So I've quit doing it for 30 somethings that don't want to help:)
If people can't all pitch in and help/compromise, then, really, what's the point?
I think wayyyyy too big a deal is made of holidays and all the expectations that we allow to be heaped upon ourselves.
I will enjoy those that can be here, .. on any given holiday and those that can't, .. I'll probably see them too, within a day or two or three. In that, I'm grateful.
I did talk with MIL, to extend an invite and she begged off, saying mobility is so hard for her anymore. I get it. The comfort of her own home .. and her surroundings, far outweighs having to go anywhere. She says that anytime she goes anywhere, she has to case out the room for what looks like a seat that might be suitable that she can get in and out of. I can't imagine the struggle there. Says she has to be helped and so picks and chooses where/when she'll go. Says she is much happier/content .. at home. I get it. I'm not upset with her, that's her prerogative certainly. She was thankful for the consideration that we'd try to accommodate her, but pleaded for understanding that she just isn't able to do these kinds of things any longer.
She then went on to explain the other day .. she'd gone outside to speak to the yard man .. and came dangerously close to falling, except the yard man literally caught her, and stopped what would've been a nasty fall on her concrete porch. Said she then .. came inside and fell in a heap of tears at what her existence has become.
I asked DH, "what's going to happen to her, is she going to end up in a wheelchair before it's all said and done". His answer, "if she keeps living, I'd imagine so yes".
So sad. So so sad. She doesn't want to be here anymore, .. was once a vibrant healthy strong able bodied person. Makes you wonder which is worse, loosing your body's ability to function, or your mind.
I'm satisfied that I've done what I can to try to include her and she isn't able to do it. We'll maybe take her some dessert and visit with her some later in the day .. or the next day .. and that'll be that.
You might ask DH what he thinks she's dying of. That's a real question; I wonder if perhaps there's something that none of them are telling you or if DH, SIL and MIL are just really so clueless that they all think she's just going to die of no specific illness. I mean, yes, people DO die in their sleep, but she doesn't seem to have advanced cardiac or pulmonary issues that would make that likely, does she?
Some folks break a bone and learn from that condition to have greater empathy. Some folks have the same experience and refuse to accept any limitation, and or demand that others step in and make up for their issue.
And no, MIL has no major, terminal illness. No pulmonary or cardiac issues, other than A-fib..which is tx'd with medication. And as mentioned before, it seems she is managing her meds better these days, which is a plus.
Schedules can be difficult. If the 4th Thursday in November is problematic, you and your loved ones have 364 opportunities for a make-good.
Many folks work on Thanksgiving Day. Hospital. Urgi-care. Nursing home/AL/rehab. Police. Firefighters. EMTs. Pilots, flight attendants and all things “airport.” Bus & truck drivers. Uber & cab drivers. Snowplow drivers. Hotel. Restaurant. Convenience store. Retail.
For some, holidays highlight the need for self-preservation. Raise your hand if family gatherings are a showcase of personality disorders. Raise your other hand if you don’t have the stamina for it that you did XX years ago.
You love these people. They love you. The devil is in the details.
Sometimes traditions work for a while, then need a tweak. The only constant is change. There are countless ways to be appreciative on Thanksgiving. Find your own groove.
Made all the more bothersome (if I let it) by the fact that there is real complaint on the part of the parties involved, as to the *lack of interest and involvement* by that set of g'parents.
We all make our choices .. they make theirs. For whatever their reasons .. it works best for them, to not disappoint/anger or cause consternation on that end .. and show up .. at that specific holiday event. It causes disappointment on this end, and I've said as much.
I then have to "choose" . make my own choice, to let it go. Which is what has to occur each and every time. And I'll do so again, with this occasion as with others.
And as to the notion, plan it all another day .. it's just a "day". Therein lies the problem. The whole point is how very Norman Rockwell it would be (did that ever even exist, really) .. to have them all, .. at one time .. and get to enjoy that.
Work schedules and other commitments .. are always in the way of planning "another alternate day" for such an event .. to be able to have all gather here, at one time.
That's the beauty of what is considered a national holiday (at least for those who aren't first responders and the like .. having to work that day).... all are off work for the day, businesses closed .. and so .. the hope would be that all could gather, .. "all" .. at least some of those occasions.
Doesn't happen. As a matter of fact, YD will be working .. and won't be here, even on the actual "date".
So be it.
One can only let go of whatever their "notion" is of what they picture as their whim for the event. That's what I have to (forced to) do, . ."let it go", and I will.
DH was lamenting this morning that his mom won't come here for T-giving (as she chose to not come for his 60th bday this past summer) .. as he put it, "but she'll go get around to get her dog treats and special foods won't she". I answered that with: "Well she says that truly ... she really has a pretty poor appetite anymore, .. she eats what MOW brings .. it's nutritionally sound .. and so she eats to live .. but outside of that, she really has no appetite to speak of .. and to make any special trip .. simply because the food and company will be so great .. it's more than she really can manage anymore".
DH shook his head in dismay .. (I agree with this notion .. "yea but if I grill steaks out, or chicken or whatever and haul a plate out there to her, she eats like a farm-hand .. she sure has an appetite for that doesn't she .. she eats like a linebacker".
I agree with the above. For someone who claims to not really have much of an appetite these days, she can pack away a plate of food, and a hearty plate at that.
Who can say what the dynamics are of the above .. that she declines an invite and/or plate brought to her, .. and wants to claim the whole "I really just have a poor appetite anymore" .. only to see her, when a plate brought to her .. devour it .. every morsel.
Maybe that's part and parcel why DH isn't .. the whole picture above and her declining invites here .. maybe it's part and parcel .. of why DH doesn't show the interest in the whole thing and sits on the periphery of the whole saga ... much to my chagrin, at times.
Learning .. this past several months, what a learning curve. I can't control him . and make him "engage" like I'd like to see him do, nor his sister. I CAN HOWEVER CONTROL me, and that, .. whoa .. what a learning curve it's been. I'm finally getting it, and it feels good, emancipating.
This after DD texted me, a bit after noon (she'd already stated she'd be going in that direction for the other mom .. her husband's mom .. .and their t-giving deal .. and they'd be serving at noon). She texted a little bit after noon .. saying they were ready, the mom had her end of things done, but the g'ma (the mother of her mother in law) not yet there on the scene and bringing some of her special dishes .. so .. things on hold on that end, .. til g'ma arrives.
I guess, from the sounds of it, g'ma did arrive, with whatever her special dishes were, oh about 1 1/2 hours late. They did get to their meal on that end . and whatever.
I guess they left at that point to come in this direction. Tired/full/stressed . .somewhat put out (this is the usual order of holidays and meals, this is about how it always goes), .. somewhat put out that the "noon" designation for serving the meal there, had come and gone .. and then some, then making her late for what would be ongoing on this end. All of them sick, babies cranky .. unable to breathe good .. stopped up noses, thus can't eat their bottles good. The 4 yo cranky, no nap .. mom not feeling good, lack of sleep .. for days . messing with cranky babies.
Not the way I'd of had things go.
So, about the time I finish our meal, which was about 2:30 or so .. thereabout, and then get it all kinda stowed away somewhat .. and at least stack some dishes, .. with the help of OD, who was here .. that's about the time, the other crew arrives, sick kids .. tired/cranky, etc. I'm tired at that point, myself.
MIL didn't come. She said she wasn't coming and she didn't. DH did take exception with it, .. in talking with her, .. at least a bit of pushback. Along the lines of . ."Ma .. you still drag yourself around to meander around the grocery store, but you won't come over here for a family event?". Her answers to that, along the lines of, "I have to force myself to do that .. to go to the grocery .. it's something I force myself to do .. but I have to pick and choose these days what I can and can't do".
His assertion, at least in talking to me, "..............she can *force* herself to drag around the grocery but won't *force* herself to come to a family gathering". He didn't say that to her, he stopped short of that, .. having voiced a bit of displeasure at her decision.
I made her a plate and sat it to the side .. and by the time the sick kiddos and mom and dad headed out of her, along with OD .. (OD's s/o didn't come .. s/o went to her sister's for t-giving .. local). By the time everybody left, .. DH was too worn out, as was I, to now get in the car and haul a meal out to MIL. That was done the next day, by DH .. I didn't go, stayed here and did some cyber xmas shopping.
I made WAY WAY .. did I say WAY too much food! I mean, I think I must've been outta my mind, .. I coulda fed the whole neighborhood. Why did I do that? I don't know. Such a waste. We are still eating turkey at this point, and I just threw out the rest of the stuff .. yesterday .. stuff that we just couldn't eat it anymore, we've seen it now, like everyday since.
I guess I thought .. DD and her crew would eat. They didn't. I guess I thought OD was bringing her s/o .. as I was told she was doing .. and she didn't .. and I thought, as I was told that OD's room mate (a gal with a hard luck case they have taken in) .. I thought the room mate was also coming, I'd been told she was .. she didn't come. I had thought maybe .. just on the off chance, that MIL would drag herself here. She didn't.
So I had what is actually, a sinful amount of waste of food, and could kick myself .. for the amount of food made, that had to be pitched out in the end .. but not only that, all that work, .. so not necessary. The only one here, in the end, me and DH and OD, that was it. YD had to work.
As I described earlier, . .with DD and family .. I had been told they would pace themselves as to eating (though how do you do that, it's all so filling) . thus I guess, I planned accordingly that they'd also partake of what was made here on this end. They didn't. That's how holiday meals seem to go .. I get what's left of them, demeanor, energy level, etc .. after they go in the other direction. I don't like it .. wish I could change it. I don't intend they come EVERY holiday .. I've been afforded the luxury in my life of parents who understand that I can't be there every single holiday .. and I guess, on some level I expect the same, .. but don't get it.
What ends up happening is what I described earlier, they try to be all things to all parents (we all live within 10 mins of each other) .. and end up stressing themselves out, .. and the day, for them, is anything but a pleasure, .. and in the end, .. it's about the same for me, as to their presence.
There isn't any drama yet as to the arrival of SIL .. she is to be here the 2nd week of December I think. Her daughter will be coming in also, I think the day before xmas eve and staying I guess, til the day after xmas.
Have already briefly spoken to SIL .. and we both agree to keep it simple, really really simple on any holiday meal/cooking on that end .. for xmas. It will be at MIL's .. SIL in town .. and I don't care to host again. I will contribute in some way, but it won't be the spread that t-giving was .. with an over-abundance of many different foods and far too much of each one of them.
Thus far, no drama on that front. Hopefully it can stay that way.
All the well made plans went off perfectly, all 4 of my kids spending the actual holiday with their other parents (no problems here!), and my Daughter and SIL agreeing to host a big Thanksgiving meal at their house on the Friday after the holiday. I was so excited to see all my family having fun together, but on the Wednesday before Turkey day, I came down with the most horrific stomach virus, or probable Food Poisoning, that I was unable to attend, and I was So Sad because of it! I just couldn't risk spreading such a horrible stomach flu to the others, and it was BAD, so bad, Twice I wanted to go to the hospital, but knew that there was nothing that they could do for me, so I stuffed it out!
Nonetheless, they have all called to check in on me (I got great kids!), and a lovely plate of foid was sent home for me, with 3 different kinds of desserts, still, I'd have much rather been there to see all my kids and Grandies!
So, live and learn my friend, sometimes, no matter how hard we try, things just don't turn out like we plan. You hang in there, and next year, try not to overextended yourself, or better yet, accept an invitation from a friend or a cousin, or make reservations!😉
Happy Holidays!
Indeed things could always be worse. At least I wasn't sick. I think more than anything else, I'm kicking myself for all the effort that went into it all, and the expense .. all for . .what turned out to be one lone extra individual here, that's it.
Enjoyed OD .. as much as was possible. She reminds me the most of some over worked guy .. that if he gets in a recliner for too long, he's snoozing .. that's her. She works 6 days a week, long hours each day .. pest control/residential-commercial. And as she says, as to her absence in our lives .. "I can't people anymore, I people all day long, every day, 6 days a week, I just can't spend that 7th day people-ing .. I have to cocoon .. so that I can go do it again the next week".
I get that. I understand.
So she was here, .. but she climbed onto the sofa in the living room and snoozed a good bit .. just a respite I guess from her world.
I did tell her that, .. when she did arrive .. 3 plus hours late and taxed/stressed/tired/full, heads clogged and pounding with congestion. "You guys probably should've stayed home and had plates brought to you".
Her response: "I thought about it, believe me, but I texted with my MIL this morning and told her we are all sick and her response was *I'm sorry to hear that, we're looking forward to seeing you guys later*, .. so it didn't sound like she was on that page of forgoing any visit for the day, so we soldiered through".
This is what DD had to say about the whole thing. Would've been smart of me, .. I knew they were under the weather even before t-giving, .. to give her that latitude .. "don't bother trying to run the roads and get here .. just stay home and rest".
But it didn't occur to me .. I guess .. I was busy making all the food .. food that went uneaten mostly. That's on me, .. that's nobody's fault but my own.
I know this is a board for aged discussion .. and this is so off topic. But I'll put it out there for any who care to respond, or not.
I did have a talk .. a .. as they say in the south "come to Jesus meeting" .. with DD about this whole topic.
See .. what you have to comprehend here .. DD's in laws live 10 minutes away .. and we are all within 10/15 mins of each other here. I guess things would look a lot different, if DD lived in another state or vice versa .. and that is in fact the case, for a LOT of families.
That is not the case for here. We all live within 10/15 minutes of each other.
I don't care to "dictate" to DD what she does with her holidays .. truly I do not. I wouldn't want that done to me .. I'd buck up against it.
But .. there has to be some better solution. There just has to be. The better solution, at least in my view .... pick a holiday .. I don't care which one .. you choose .. stay home .. do whatever traditions you are going to create for your own family ... but if you pick one .. I don't care which one ... and tell me that you and your family are going to spend it with us, then do that .. ... "quality" time ... and spend that designated holiday with your family of origin.
I have taken what I would deem .. pretty much a backseat and not balked .. not out loud, for a number of years, as holidays roll around. There were some dust ups in the early years as they dated .. and newly married .. as you watch what goes on. But I eventually tried to resign myself to the fact that holidays .. at least with regard to that DD .. and company .. would just be kinda sticky and icky and not quite what I would want.
Until .. now there are g'kids .. and it gets even ickier and sticky and not at all pleasing.
What you see transpire ... every holiday .. because we all live in such close proximity .. this is what goes on .. routinely .. and it displeases me .. greatly.
This past week, at t-giving .. no different than any other holiday with the exception that maybe this time, it was made a little worse by the fact they were all sick, which isn't typical .. but generally speaking .. all holidays go this way.
DD's husband .. he is an only child (well there is a blended family there, the stepdad has grown kids that live in another state . but it appears .. from what I know, which is limited, .. the grown kids that live in another state .. and the relationship there .. strained .. they don't come around much .. and the mom of DD's husband .. and stepdad .. they never travel . you never hear of them traveling to the other state to visit the other kids .. the grown kids of the stepdad .. and when they do come here, .. which isn't frequent ... it usually has a lot of tension and strife as part of it all).
So, for all practical purposes, .. DD's husband is pretty much an only child (grown yes .. and a family of his own, twins and a 4 yo and a wife) .. but for all practical purposes, it is seemingly one that he is an only child to that situation.
A holiday rolls around, I don't know, pick one, .. any holiday .. and here's what goes on.
Generally speaking .. because the stepdad on that end works weird hours . they plan their event .. generally .. earlier than what I would plan mine .. so that the stepdad can partake and be a part of things and then rest, to go into his weird hours at work. Every holiday. It's not that you ever hear, .. "oh they are going out of town for "x" holiday .. they won't even be here". Nope .. they are here. And so all holidays, .. any of them, they do their gig on their end, and generally .. earlier in the day to accommodate the step dad's schedule.
Fine and good you say .. that works .. then they can go in that direction and if they care, .. and are so inclined, .. come in your direction also .. and they kill all birds with one stone.
Sounds like that would work fine. But it doesn't in the end.
What ends up happening ... DD's MIL .. she is notoriously not punctual .. with anything she ever does, .. and not only just a little .. usually very very much late with whatever she does, be that the time she has designated on any given day to stop by and pick up the 4 yo for whatever is on their radar, or drop the 4 yo off .. from whatever they've set out to do, or holiday dinners, .. whatever it is, the woman is notoriously not punctual, and usually by a LOT. It's just who she is.
So what happens is, and this is routine, it happens consistently with all holidays .. I guess there is expectation on that end, they be front and center .. for all holidays .. or .. who knows .. maybe that's their choice, DD and her husband . to be front and center for all holidays on that end.
They go in that direction for a designated holiday .. all of them .. and for a time slotted as "x'clock" .. and it always always always runs late, by 2 or 3 hours. I am not exaggerating here, that is the truth .. and that's the case for everything on that end .. I don't know how they ever get to a doctor appointment on time, or manage life in general being so late to everything.
But I'm also .. if I'm to be there at 8, wherever "there is" .. you can bet I'll be there at 7:45 .. I am, I guess, some would say anal about such things. Not all are.
The impact the above has on this end. They .. I guess .. for whatever their reasons .. DD says that it's all borne out of .. they are both, she and her husband both, very family centered, .. it's how they prefer to spend their time, always .. always .. always .. this isn't a young couple that you see, .. dumping their kids, so they can go out and party with peers .. that just isn't them .. they are very family-centric .. much rather spend their time with family. I guess, in that vein .. they try to .. on holidays .. be all things to all people .. and so they intend .. every holiday .. they go in the direction of his mother's .. and partake there, ..with promise to also come here (we live 10 mins from each other, all of us).
Sounds great right?
Not so great, when you figure what goes on, in the end, .. they come here .. usually 2 or 3 hours later than what was originally set out as the time to do things on this end .. and usually by that time, .. they are taxed, stressed (particular DD .. as she is more of the ilk that i am, punctual to a fault) .. she is now stressed and generally speaking .. pizzed that things have gone awry on that end, as they always do .. and the kids .. her 4 yo (now there are twins in the mix) .. tired/cranky, nap schedule up ended .. and full, they've just eaten, 2 or 3 hours late .. and so they arrive here .. with the demeanor as described above. Taxed, stressed, .. and tired, . and full.
Generally speaking, I am now also tired, .. I've worked my butt off putting together a meal .. and we've already partaken on this end, them now running extremely late, .. and now annoyed .. and by the time they arrive here, .. I'm spent myself ..
Yes, I have urged, .. in the earlier years .. "why do you guys put yourselves through that, .. pick a holiday and match a family to it, .. and go in that direction .. and yes that means I'll do without you on some holidays .. but I will get you on other holidays not so taxed and stressed out".
In the earlier years when I used to fight that battle, it didn't go well .. I guess .. too immature to absorb the whole premise and seen as somewhere to take stance and show mom we'll do it our way. And so for a number of years, .. I have backed off of saying anything any further and just lived with the sticky icky biz of how holidays look on this end, as a result of what goes on in their world, .. and as to any presence of DD and her crew as a part of things here.
Until now. I did speak up and have a "come to Jesus" discussion with DD. Not heated, not argumentative/combative .. as it would've gone in years past .. too immature to even discuss it.
But .. a heartfelt .. imparting to her, that the status quo of the way they do things presently .. leaves me with a sadness .. that I never get to enjoy her and her family at my holiday table, with the rest of the family .. if and when that can occur .. fresh/ready for the day .. and not taxed and stressed out and already full, .. that it doesn't work on this end .. that I realize .. she cannot be here for ALL holidays .. she was never shown that as a child growing up .. that she grew up in our household where we navigated parents that also live here .. and picking one direction and going in that one direction for that designated holiday and yes that meant another set of parents would do without our presence, but in exchange they would get us .. on another designated holiday and not stressed, taxed, full, pizzed, etc etc.
Told her, .. that I realize, as her children get older, it's going to be more and more of a problem for them dragging 3 kids around .. and being all things to all people on any one given day .. and they may even get to where they stay home and set their own traditions on holidays and I get that, it's what we lived, ..
But what I am asking .. once again, was on this soapbox in their earlier years, but dropped it for a number of years and just took a backseat to all the above mess and ick that goes on .. what I am asking, .. can you guys not pick a holiday ... I don't know which one, I can't get out my calendar at his point and see what I'm doing on Easter in the year 2022 .. and designate that one, I can't say .. but pick one .. any holiday .. I don't know .. pick one .. go in that direction and that direction only .. don't even worry about coming here .. at all .. on that day ... and taxing yourselves and your kids ... just enjoy having to only go in one direction and one only .. and designate whatever time you allot as appropriate to address that direction and time spent there .. and enjoy it, but also afford me the same, on another holiday .. can't I ever get the presence of my daughter and her family, my g'kids that I dearly love .. on a holiday .. that it isn't you guys arriving here, aggravated from already now being pushed and stressed because things ran late on the other end, and you're already full .. and you're aggravated and tired and stressed .. can't I ever get a single holiday .. I don't know which one ... but one that isn't so a picture that you guys are so stressed and over-taxed with trying to run hither and yon in one single lone day.
I'm happy to say that things .. at least .. were discussed on an adult level .. rather than heated argument .. and hurt feelings, which is a humongous improvement over years past.
This all came as a huge epiphany to DD .. and one that was quite upsetting to her I might add .. as she imparted that they do all they can .. it's THEIR wish .. to spend holidays with family .. they both being folks that enjoy family .. and they do all they can to make that, incorporate that . as part of their holiday .. and that it came as quite a disappointing surprise to her, that her mother is less than pleased with how they have been doing things ... Her words, which I thought rather touching, "Mom you mean the world to me, and it hurts me to know that what I do somehow makes you sad .. I wouldn't do that, not intentionally".
I did tell her that I realize what she is trying to do, and appreciate it . that family is so important to her .. and so she tries to cover all bases .. to achieve that, that I see that point and appreciate it.
But asked that she please step into my shoes and look at things from where I sit .. that I get .. for lack of a better term to use .. I get the sloppy 2nd's of what is leftover after a day of too much stress, dragging 3 kids around, and upending nap schedules and lack of any punctuality on the other end, ..and by the time they arrive here .. things are generally over with .. and they are tired/stressed and it's not at all what I would want .. that I am more than willing, and have said it too many times to count, .. I will do without your presence, at all .. on some holidays .. in the interest that your day is not so taxing .. so stressed, .. and in the interest that there can be hope that maybe another given holiday . will be spent in this direction solely rather than the push and stress of having to be all things to all people in one given day .. I've said it and said it .. I will gladly give up some holidays .. in the interest of the above .. more than happy to do it. What I want is "quality" not quantity. And have said it and said it and said it. Only difference is ... I haven't said it in a number of years .. figuring .. oh well, .. that's their world, holidays on this end are just gonna look like this icky biz of them stressed and running hither and yon.
It'd be one thing if that was what is pleasurable to them .. a lot of people, it is .. the more stops the better, all the festivity of it all, stopping here, stopping there .. saying hi and visiting with this one and that one .. and so forth. That isn't the case.
She arrives here .. spent .. taxed/stressed/pizzed .. full .. and the holiday .. pick one, any of them, they are all the same, the above is how it always is. Not at all what I want.
I suspect somewhere in it all, lies the problem that the mother on the other end, is very much one of the notion, "We all live 10 mins from each other, it's not that hard". Those words have been repeated to me, as words the MIL has spoken as to it all. Very true .. I guess in a perfect world.
But there is no perfect world that exists, so the above .. in the end .. it really doesn't work .. not really.
It has just been very interesting .. having some real true dialogue on the topic with DD . who then tearfully (never meant to make her cry about it) .. struggling to grasp how she can better navigate it all, .. her words, ... "so now I guess ........... I need to figure out the PITA biz of who gets to be disappointed in our absence at their holiday table ... and gee, where was I at Easter, so now where do I go now that it's T-giving .. and that whole PITA". I responded, .. "and what you're doing presently isn't a PITA?".
It obviously IS a PITA .. to her .. as she arrive here, stressed out and full from having already eaten .. and tired, .. .. and this is status quo as every holiday rolls around.
I guess, it's a bit difficult in that we all live right here. But that was the case for myself, my parents live here in town .. as does DH's .. and so thru the years, we too had to navigate who didn't get our presence for any specific holiday and the why's and so forth .. it's not impossible.
I just wonder why I walk away from all this with just a sadness. I do.
I don't wish to get in the middle of her life and be the PITA mother that demands .. no by GOD you better be here, or else. That isn't at all what I'm about. Nor am I about, "well your'e here now, so wipe that scowl off your face at all the stress of the day, and quit stressing, I don't wanna hear it". I'm not that way .. and she doesn't receive that kinda welcome when she does arrive here .. I listen .. I try to make the best out of what is really, in the end, not at all, what I'd have it to be ..
I guess, the long and short of the having talked to her and laid all this out, is that she herself expressed that holidays .. are far too stressful for her .. and her husband and the kids .. that they are going to have to find another way ..
I can only hope (but I don't hold out a lot of hope that will happen) that things will look different going forward ..
As I said, and please don't misunderstand .. I don't intend that they be here every holiday .. I am not the mother in all this with that as my stance. I'm fully aware they may choose to stay home and do their own things ... they may choose to in the direction of her husband's mom solely for a designated holiday which means no presence here at all, by that end of my offspring .. I get that, and I'm all for it, .. absolutely 100% hands down. If it means, that I can get the same.. that give me another holiday that works for you, .. that you aren't having to run the roads, and tax your kids and their schedules and so forth and can be pleasant and enjoyable .. all for it.
When our kids were young, we were expected to be at my inlaws on Christmas morning by 10. I wanted to have a lot more time by ourselves--but no, we did what his mother wanted. We'd show up at 10, with 5 kids in tow, and DH's sis would show up anywhere from 2-3 hours later. No real excuse, and my poor kids would be sad b/c we'd hustled them through the morning to be sure to get to Gma's on time. Dh took YEARS to figure out that we were being manipulated by a chronically late SIL, and it was ruining Christmas for all of us! (I get that part about wondering how these people make it in life--being 1 hour late to everything and more than 2 hours late to most other things--I just think it's unspeakably rude.
We did make the big jump, finally! to NOT going to gma's for breakfast, instead asked my inlaws to come see us, and this worked much, much better. Then we'd see my side of the family either Christmas night or a few nights later. Times changed, families grew and traditions have also changed.
I don't expect my kids (5 of them , all married with kids) to come to ANYTHING unless it fits their schedule, I just cannot deal with the drama. If my son comes to town, 80% of their time is spent with his wife's family. They give us an hour or two and then take off 50 miles north to hang out with her kin. He hates it, but he's not in charge.
It is so hard to be flexible...it hurts when year after year you feel that you are just an afterthought...but it's not worth the energy to make a fuss about it. Plus the kids get upset and that's not what any holiday is about.
I set up a time and place and date for the "big" holidays. I also will start serving dinner on time. I have one daughter who is always late, I have no idea why, but her family has had many a cold dinner, b/c they couldn't get their act together. No fuss about it, just "Oh, hey glad you made it" and we eat in shifts.
Thanksgiving this year was made by my daughter with plenty of help. She only did the turkey and potatoes and stuffing. My other daughters and I did the rest. It's time for me to hand off some of the traditions, and I am happily going to do so.
I'm really sorry that your family kind of fell through. Perhaps you put a little too much emphasis on celebrating the actual "day of". If things aren't going to change with DD and her hubby and family--maybe do something another day instead. Lower your expectations a little. Realize how much you have to be grateful for and go with that feeling--and let go of the expectations of the "Norman Rockwell" holidays. They don't exist!
You cannot change the other people in this dynamic, you shouldn't even attempt to. You can be the one to change. I know I have found I am far more flexible than I thought I could be. I try to just enjoy the kids who come for a holiday event, wish the others could also be there, but basically, go with the flow. (However, I will NEVER understand my SIL's chronic lateness. It's appalling!!)
And at least your MIL didn't fabricate some great need for a run to the ER or something. Too bad she decided to sulk at home, but, well, she made her choice.
Learn from this and cut waaaaay back on Christmas.