I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
One could point to that as an egregious lack of grace I suppose .. and call me rude. But that was all a year before this supposed hurricane sheltering that I'd been so rude..
Who knows.
You have a very good point about not wasting money on hiring people to do things that could be done much cheaper by online ordering (groceries, doggy treats, etc.). And the mobile dog groomer should be a necessity.
Is MIL going to be at ALL flexible with these things? In the past, your suggestions have been shot down. But, really, if you and SIL are paying for help, MIL shouldn't be calling all the shots. She needs to be made to see this. Do you think it's possible? Is there going to be a limit as to what you can contribute monthly? MIL doesn't know how to handle money, and as long as it isn't coming from her, she probably won't care. She'll just consider it to be a necessity of maintaining the royalty (her).
Sadly enough, I used to think of the estranged brother in the frame of "how could he, how does one do that?, the poor mom .. now she will live out her days .. absent her oldest son and part of it, what a monster he is to do that to her".
I am kinda seeing some cracks and gaping holes all in the surface of it all, and more understanding of why he turned and walked away and almost 10 years ago, and hasn't looked back, not even a glimpse. Could care less about this family. I'm starting to get it.
I remember his famous saying .. as he departed the scene .. and his standby phrase, "I'm not gonna be her (meaning MIL) whipping boy, .. her whipping boy died (their dad) .. I'm not gonna be that". And off he was gone. And he meant it, .. he hasn't contacted a soul in the entire family for almost 10 years.
I kinda see why.
Sadly enough.
My calculations that comes to, .... $640 a month. Is SIL intending that be split two-ways between she and ourselves here, (her brother), meaning it will total on our end, $320 monthly. That .. is about the tops I won't to go as to expending much in the way of funding all this .. to be honest.
Does she intend this be split 3 ways, and MIL is in on the cost of it all? That, by my calculations, is just a little north of $200 .. each of us.
I really don't know, but I intend to ask. And of course, since our funds will be propping that up, .. I guess I would be entitled to some say-so as to how that gets spent.
I really don't want to know that my budget needs to now encompass .. much more than the above in the propping up of the above .. we could .. wiggle maybe up to $500 monthly in trying to get all this propped up, but much more than that, and I'm gonna have a problem with it all.
And of course, dependent upon what it is SIL's intentions are and cost vs benefit .. for the varying needs .. and for instance, groceries .. just off the top of my head, .. it makes a lot more sense to me, financially speaking to utilize that service, .. in other arenas rather than groceries. I can pay a local service here, a stipend of $14.99 monthly and am now entitled to grocery delivery (tips also .. of course .. optional) .. and the food, they say ... expect to pay about $5 more per $35 spent .. because of the service .. as you order each item online. But even still, .. say she buys $100 worth of groceries .. you're talking the $14.99 I paid monthly to have access to that service, .. plus an add'l .. say $15 .. in cost .. as to the food costing a little more. Total of about $30 .. to have groceries delivered. Vs .. this service doing it, and her ambling around for 2 or 3 hours .. and burning up 2 or 3 of the 8 hour allotment, @$20 per hour ..
So that may be where there is some bumping of heads. I can envision that MIL maybe doesn't wanna give that up ... the trip to the grocery .. where she can interact with others .. and she can .. see/touch/feel, etc .. new things .. and so forth.
So I have to look at it all, for my own mind's sake. Are we spending $10 or so more dollars each week, .. so that she can have that as her social outlet, total $40 more per month .. I don't know . if it came out to only a difference of $40 a month .. I don't know that I'd dig in my heels on that. It's not a whole lotta $.
I just have to get the particulars on it all.
Have MIL or SIL or whoever takes the little vegetarian to his next grooming ask about a “Sanitary Cut”. It shouldn’t cost more - maybe a couple of dollars if at all AND it will cut back greatly on the need to spot clean.
Its not a perfect solution- but if MIL is still insisting on wiping - it should be way easier accomplished.
Dorker, you really love your husband and want/need to continue this relationship?
It really doesn't appear that he's on your side, to my way of thinking.
Have you considered doing full time employment out side your home? I have to tell you; I was a stay at home, part time work/doing volunteer work mom for a couple of years. Once I was back in the workforce, earning a full time salary with a 403b available and pension benefits, my attitude toward my abusive marriage turned on its ear.
When I first started working, my (ex) DH made fun of the fact that I had a union and would have a pension. 27 years down the pike (and 17 years divorced), I'm not hearing any laughter. I have half of his 401K (divorce decree after 24 years and 3 kids) and my own pension and 403 B. He no longer makes fun of me.
And yes, my MIL was a wonderful grandma, still is. I keep in touch with her; her CARE is in the ballpark of her CHILDREN. Not me.
I'm not that staunch as to pets. We have a dog my daughter dragged back in here, when she moved back home. I had a yellow labrador for 15 years .. inside dog.
There are those who don't allow their pets (cats/dogs) on the furniture, the counters, etc. I'm in the middle on that one. Daughter's climbs up onto the sofa .. mine that I raised .. he was raised not to get on the furniture, but he did live indoors.
MIL's dog .. very telling. At one point DH and I had gone over there to visit her. The dog perched, laying on the sofa beside her. DH went to sit on the sofa .... nudged poochy a bit, and said, "Scoot over poochy" .. trying to nudge the pooch over, so he too could sit on the sofa. The dog looked at DH as if "how dare you, who do you think you are?". DH then .. a little more persistent .. then began scooting the dog physically at which the dog then turned and snapped at him .. snipped his hand.. at that, DH picked up the dog/put him on the floor, saying "so there, .. damn dog!". This appalled MIL ... "now don't you do him that way", referring to the dog. To which DH answered, "the day and hour I can't sit on the sofa because A DOG won't allow it .. that's the day gets shown the pecking order in the human race". He is on a lower rung .. and he's gonna know it when I'm around.
I kinda ascribe to that same thinking. If a dog is on the sofa and a human needs that seat .. the dog, IMO, is gonna get scooted on along. Not spanked, beaten/screamed at, and/or frightened, but indeed moved. There is a hierarchy, IMO .. and pets .. are lower on the rung. Period.
All kinds of different approaches as to pet owners. MIL, as you've heard .. wasn't always this way. She once had a dog euthanized .. because she was just DONE DONE DONE . with being responsible/accountable, to anyone or anything. She would no sooner do that today than the man on the moon! No way/now how.
And yes, I kinda agree, .. rather brazen of anyone to ask me to wipe their dog's behind, in my own home. She did say .. "well I do that because he hops up on the couch and I sure don't want any remnants of what he left outside, on the sofa". I responded, .. "then maybe he doesn't need to be on the furniture", and walked away (but no I didn't prohibit her dog from getting on our sofa".
Also of note, as to the PITA of having MIL around . her dog is a short squatty sort, .. very very overweight .. and at their home, she has a stool planted right there, so the dog an hop up onto the stool and from there up and onto the sofa. I have no such thing here. Here, the dog had to be assisted each time he wanted up onto the sofa .. and MIL can't do that .. she can't bend over and lift him .. she'd be in a heap on the floor .. so the dog .. he could jump off .. yes .. but then when he'd come back to our den . and stand there .. looking .. wanting something. He wanted an assist, back up onto the sofa. Just another aggravation that probably caused me to be less than gracious as a hostess here.
Not to mention, feeding him is an act of fine cuisine that only the most pampered of pooches could expect. Has this canned food that has to be spooned out in such and such portion and then smashed around some, and then microwaved .. and then add in some pellets of the dry sort .. and mix it up, then pop open this pill and pour the contents of same into it, stir it again .. and then get the filtered water for his water bowl. OY VEY.
I'm not as bad as my grandmother who felt table scraps suitable for pets .. not that bad. But geeze-louise .. that's just more than I care to do. Does anyone see why I say that I'm at that station in my life that MIL was in her 50's .. that's where I am, as to pets.
My daughter's dog lives here, indoors and yes hops up onto the couch at will .. but her dog eats .. a good quality grocery store pet food that doesn't have to be warmed in the microwave and all sorts of special lotions and potions and such mixed in.. and 3 x's daily .. and her dog, can . . on her own .. hop up onto the sofa.
I'm just NOT INTO at all, the whole riggamorrow she has set up as to her dog's care.
Way way too over the top for me.
Instead, I will .. no longer carve out his place in caring for his mom and act in his stead as he does all that he wishes to do, and carve out for me,.. what makes more sense in my life.
I have no more advice for you in this journey; you seem to be at a crossroads with the family that you married into. They have made certain assumptions. You are stepping away from assuming the obligations that they appeared to thing you were willingly going to assume.
You need to correct what they think, what their assumptions are.
They seem to thing, both SIL and DH, that you are in the pool of " anything for MIL, as long as she can stay in home".
You have seen that in that path , lies madness.
So you need to say to them, simply and without adornment, "Your mother needs full time care; I cannot provide that."
As long as that is true. You need to have a professional assessment and outside folks to say what she needs.
No spouse meets our needs 100%. I’ve been married 34 years and there are days I say “who is this man?” But there are more days that I am happy he’s around.
Who knows? Maybe a lightbulb will go off In Dorker’s DH brain and he’ll get that his wife is hurt but means business. Especially when he gets the calls from MIL after Dorker stands firm. This too shall pass, but not after a few thunderbolts, earthquakes and hurricanes.
There have been lightening, thunderbolts, stretches where we didn’t particularly care for each other at all. But the tide turned, somehow, and we realized why we got married in the first place.
Abuse, that’s something that has never happened with us. Well, I am a pretty vocal when I get mad. I’ve said things when I’ve been to a boiling point with DH that did not need to be said.
Dealing with these types of problems, caregiving, death and dying, somehow fracture families and allow us to see things about each other that otherwise we have overlooked, they were hidden, or they just suddenly appear.
I have experienced the above within my own family and now seeing some very ugly things after the death of my FIL within that family.
Dorker, I think you know that by looking to the past, you also see the future. Sadly, at this point, no amount of organizing, fussing or fretting is really going to make one whit of difference. MIL has never been compliant before, why should she be this time? I wouldn't worry about the finances, she's going to fire anyone who doesn't come up to her standards, and so far, no one has.
10 months since your first post. Things are not better. Dh is not involved, SIL is still completely clueless. Nobody will take the bull by the horns and put it in the pen, or ALF. MIL will dither and dally and fuss and fret because THAT'S WHO SHE IS.
Sadly, her choice to "stay home and manage" is probably going to end with her meeting her fluffy white cloud on the floor of the bathroom or at the bottom of some stairs.
And when that happens--you can say to yourself "She CHOSE this." You didn't choose it for her.
I think older brother may be the sanest member of that family.
As always, I just wish you luck and hope that maybe, something WILL change for the better. In the meantime, go about your own life. Love on those grandbabies and do what you feel you should or shouldn't do for MIL. Just don't do it out of guilt. You've done how many hours of service? Tote that up and show it to DH and SIL. I think you've gone FAR beyond the call of duty!
{{Hugs}}...
Now bear in mind, DH is a star .. he is a celebrity .. at the little small church we attend. Everyone thinks he hung the moon.
I felt .. at least in that moment (DH had walked away and the pastor stayed on purpose, to talk to specifically me, alone, without DH there), felt validating to hear him quote some scripture (forget which one) and it was about when your spouse hurts you hurt, .. he should be your strongest advocate and I will be speaking to him about it.
DH thinks a lot of this pastor (as do I). He wouldn't feel threatened and/or chastised if corrected. And so I can only hope the pastor will do as has been asked. Isn't that part of why I've done what I did, for his mom, because I love him .. and support him .. and when he hurts/I hurt. So I try to be of support .. so that his mom .. someone he loves .. can be assisted (until I couldn't do it anymore, and then got mud in my eye for my choice, which is wrong on the parts of all casting stones, IMO).
If there's any hope that this man who lives and breathes (DH) the bible (sure doesn't act it at times) and is so heavily involved in church .. it's in the fact that the pastor may offer some loving check on some of his demeanor towards all of this, and I can only hope he does do so. I'm' sure, .. he will be checking with me more, the new pastor .. he's conscientious enough .. perceptive enough .. that he won't just let this go .. and act like I never spoke to him about it.
I do pray about this whole thing, .. constantly. I feel hurt .. and part of that hurt, is born out of my husband's indifference to it all .. and not feeling understood by him .. and that's all I can do is pray about it, because you can't "make someone" feel what they don't feel. If he doesn't "feel" sympathy for my plight in it all, .. I can't "make" him.
Probably almost all marriages that are decades old, have had their fair share of some serious strife. And as Lizzy and Shane both put it, .. at times you look at this person and think, "I married you a hundred years ago, and I would've NEVER married someone so uncaring and ignorant, what's the matter with you?". At times, .. that has been the case here, at present, that is the case here.
There have probably been a few times, we too should've gone our separate ways, married far too young (no I wasn't pregnant, but I was gonna have the white picket fence and 2 kids and a dog .... , yea right). And there have been some bumps along the way.
But none of them include physical abuse, .. none of them include infidelity and/or drug/alcohol addiction. Things could be worse. They could CERTAINLY be better .. absolutely! But they could be a lot worse.
All I can do going forward is what I plan to do. Set some very firm, entrenched, dug in, boundaries around any participation on my part. And .. if anyone wants to fault that, as things begin to crack and issues arise . then we'll address that along the way .. but no I don't intend, to at all, .. get sucked into this mire of quicksand .. ever again.
I still say that MIL is selfish .. and she is creating a set up where she requires a whole helluva lot of support from very few here to provide it, selfish. But the divide comes when that support this all requires .. it simply isn't there. It just isn't.
DH was describing tonight, how his mom said to him, in her oh so dripping with drama way she can say it, .. her words to him, "Now when I call you, if I call you, I need you to come now .. I will need you to come". I guess the dialogue there, was with regard to her being sick, or not feeling well. He said he told his mom, "Mom I will do my best, but I can't always just drop and run .. it will depend on the situation".
I then responded to him .. "that's when you call 911 DH .. as we've been doing .. if she calls you with some medical malady . you call 911 .. you aren't a trained medical professional .. they are .. and you can't get there, I don't care if you're just up the street, as fast as they can, you call 911, that's what I'll be doing . if I'm the one to get that word. He answered, "that's 'what I did the last time she beckoned me, not feeling well, I called 911 .. and headed that way .. they were still there when I got there, .. but . that's what I'll do".
I think, he is obtuse and slow learning at all this .. for sure. I am too, .. I haven't walked this path before.
Where he falls short is the fact that his wife is left to twist in the wind, as to the fact that she feels not understood and heard .. that shouldn't be the case.
Hopefully some of that can change too, going forward. It will be a miracle if we go a month . or more without some mishap along the way with her. And we'll see how it goes .. this next time. It's going to keep happening, that's what happens with the elderly .. it'll happen to her also. We will see.
The trick is to not let others guilt me into it all, and I think .. I can hold that line for myself.
You should go over there ready to fight a buzz saw and tell it like it is, to SIL and MIL, if God is for you who can be against you. Tell them both, failure to plan on moms part does not constitute an emergency on yours. SIL needs to stay out of it, if moms not asking then the request has nor been made, period. Make them take responsibility or try, please Google, psychology today, how narsist really think. It may open your eyes and help you understand why your husband doesn't take texts or msgs as orders to jump, fetch and carry. Stand up and say I love you but I will no longer play by your terms. Let them vent about hurt feelings, this is a diversion tactic that makes the world evolve around them. Your feelings don't mean that to them. Please read that article before you talk to them, it will arm you with some truths. I was over the moon, it answered questions I had about not understanding the how, why, what of crap pulled.
I can't read every response but Dorker you are not wrong, if they gang up on you tell them thank you for your time, we are obviously not getting anywhere so I'll be going now. Dorker the door mat has retired!
Dorker, you had an interesting idea about whether or not Narcissa will contribute towards her own help and services. She certainly SHOULD! If she can pay for all that nonsense for her fat dog, she should pay for things for herself.
Keep us updated. That dysfunctional family is trying to make it seem like YOU are the wrong one in all of this, but we are your support in knowing that THEY are the problem here = Narcissa, SIL and H (and, to a lesser extent, your D who naively wants everyone to just get along again).
Says she intends to ask her, .. something akin to, .. "so .. let me get this straight, you can't take your mom at this time .. to your home in IL ... because .. A) she doesn't wanna go .. but also .. B) .. you have to dog sit for 10 days for your daughter to vacation in Thailand? Right? And it would be too much to have MIL's dog there, and your daughter's 3 dogs .. too much under foot. Explain to me, why your daughter can afford to go to Thailand but she can't step up and be responsible for the 3 dogs SHE owns and your mother, your responsibility, then falls back on my parents, AGAIN, here locally.
That's the first point, she realizes will go nowhere because as she says .. in the end ,.. she doesn't want her mom there and wants to shirk the responsibility .. because we know her (SIL) she would move heaven and earth to make it happen if that's what she wanted to occur (DD is right).
2nd point she intends to put on the table with SIL. "You say that you may not be able to return here to retrieve MIL until August because your son and his family will be visiting (unless the company he works for requires him to move this summer, which they end up having to do .. every few years .. and it's about time that happen again) . you say that you may not be able to return here to retrieve your mom until August ... because your son and his family will be arriving here to vacation from mid June to mid July ... and you mention that .. he'd said that if your mom is there, that he'd just get an AirBnB .. and stay elsewhere, so as to not complicate things with kids under foot ... with MIL living there. And that you .. said ... you hate for him to go to the expense, and that you only get to see your grandkids once a year .. and you want them to stay there with you .. I want you to know my thoughts, .. your son can afford it .. he makes DAMN good $ .. and that's his choice to live/work abroad ................ YOUR responsibility is your mom .. and you are shirking it in all these lame "Excuses" that you keep coming up with. Your mom needs to be in IL where she is safe .. and you are continuing to shirk that responsibility with all these excuses.
DD goes on to say .. "I don't think it will go anywhere, because .. in the end, .. as me and my husband have discussed .... she doesn't wanna take her mom there, or it wold be happening, .. we all know her, she can move mountains when she wants something done .. she doesn't want her there, that's the crux of it, so my words will go nowhere .. but me and my husband both think that she is shirking her responsibility .. she is retired, you two aren't, .. MIL is more needy than any of us have the ability to attend to, and I want it out there, my thoughts on it all".
I responded to DD that she's right, it won't go anywhere. But that I thank her for echoing some of the same sentiments that I wear in it all.
At least there will be a voice from the peanut gallery that puts out there, some of what I have to say on it all. For whatever it's worth, which ain't much.
It will be interesting to see how frustrated your DD is after her visit with MIL and SIL today.
If history tells us anything, they will frustrate her. “I will manage”. “She is so stubborn”.
It is very clear SIL needs or wants to return to her life in IL.
I kinda think MIL at the last moment, flat out told SIL she wasn’t going anywhere. So, SIL is coming up with all these stories as to why MIL should not return with her now. IMO I think these stories are just to save face. She, the daughter who can move heaven and earth was shot down at the last minute, after the support dog certificate had already been acquired.
No offense, but I do have to disagree with DD on one point. MIL should not be SILs sole responsibility until the cloud appears.
Too many of us on this site have found ourselves in that position. It’s maddening and just too much for 1 person in most cases when the elder reaches a certain point. Whether it be they are non compliant or their needs are just too much.
In a perfect world siblings would share in the responsibilities, devise a workable plan if they wish to honor MILs wishes. That is just not happening here. Or 24 hour help is brought in. That is cost prohibitive for most of the population.
One person, DIL, you, can’t right this ships course. Unless they will listen, they won’t. Or unless you go all in and run yourself ragged, again.
I hope you are able to stay on the fringes or completely removed.
It would be great if this new Pastor offers DH an opportunity for the two of you to have a sit down and he “mediate” while you and DH talk this out. Because the day will come, after SIL leaves when DH will summon you into service. I think only this new Pastor, possibly will be able to get thru to DH where these boundaries should be.
But, regardless, let us know how it goes today.
I think it's very nice and very sweet of DD to intend to be so supportive of you and of your stance on MIL's options, Dorker.
I'm less sure it's for her to tell her aunt that she is "shirking her responsibilities." Oh, ah? And what are SIL's responsibilities to her autonomous mother, then, hmm?
I still think it would be *lovely* for DD to drop in on her granny and her aunt. Just, maybe, do more listening than talking, perhaps?
Since it was to dh, dd committed her assistance at first - I do hope it was to dh she first made contact to say “oops sorry, no can do”. While it may or may not sink in dh should be made aware - in real time - just how quickly depending on other - who have their own lives and responsibilities- to prop up this dangerous game of charades can fall apart.
Doesn't matter in the end, this was a "do nothing" (not imperative) visit. She was just going to visit that's all. Not like it was crucial that she get there, because she was on the list to go get poochy to the groomer, or some other something.
But this is about how it will go. Her intentions are honorable. But life with 3 little ones is gonna throw some curves into the whole template. That's just how it goes, being a mom to little ones. Thus, I didn't argue the point when DH presented, "that's okay .. you stepped off of it all .... me and DD will take care of it, she said she'll help".
Yep .. ok .. we'll see ...
Yes, honorable intentions. But, it’s been my experience that at dds age one tends to believe they are bulletproof. They just don’t have enough life experience to understand their limitations at that age. I do imagine with three babies dd will gain life’s knowledge in triple-time, however. She just not there yet.
And, in dds pledge to help out - I imagine that in addition to being naive there was also the element of wanting to please her father. In true “Daddy’s Little Girl” style. Something I know a whole lot about.
So given dds situation - the babies, the unrealistic self expectations, the need to please daddy - I would suggest EVERYONE leave her out of the equation. It’s not fair to her and inevitably she will fail to live up to her commitment to help. Plain truth of the matter is - she shouldn’t have to. And - she shouldn’t have been pulled into the middle like this. Just saying...
Homebound eligibility (to be noted by your doctor) - unable to leave their home without assistance, whether from another person or from a wheelchair or a walker. - difficult to leave their home without a great deal of work. - leaving the house will not jeopardize homebound status to attend church, seek medical attention, go to adult day care, attend a funeral, or go to a family event.