I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
BTW the vein ablation .. it turned out to be not helpful with the edema .. (as i said would be the case).
She's saying that MIL's circumstances qualify her as "homebound" which opens up tons of resources..
for Home Health to be paid by Medicare, and for an increased amount from the VA (Homebound person as opposed to Aid and Attendence).
I wonder if SIL realizes this.
Wouldn't it be nice if these three folks were working together on this problem?
medicare.gov/Pubs/pdf/10969-Medicare-and-Home-Health-Care.pdf
Looks like in order to get Home Healthcare Aid services (which is really what MIL needs) one has to also received Skilled Nursing Care services congruently, i.e., OT, PT, RN .. etc. She doesn't really need in home Skilled Nursing Care .. other than med management .. (IMO).
MIL needs custodial care - assistance with ADL’s, safety in her home, supervision, etc in a AL facility or be willing to self pay aides to make her dinner, help with hygiene, etc . She already received home care (skilled) last December. She received maybe a total of 7 hours of home care per week from the HC agency. That’s not going to prevent her from falling letting her dog out at night, or remind her to take her meds, or use her walker. They came, they saw, and they left.
Wish she were on Medicaid; she’d be eligible for a lot more CNA benefits.
What MIL needs .. at least MO .. she needs someone to manage meds .. and someone to manage (leg wraps got mentioned, as to edema for Lymphedema which is the newest dx). I dunno. (and transport to and fro doc visits/vet visits/pet need, .. so forth).
Not sure that qualifies at all for what is required as Skilled Nursing .. and in order to have a home health aid on board, one has to be receiving Skilled Nursing Care.
The article doesn't make it real clear whether this is something that can go on and on and on. I know Medicare will assign Skilled Nursing Care at discharge from hospital, to stabilize the patient .. and educate and so forth. But that ends, that's temporary.
So wrong. And a destroyer of Dorker.
If MIL has about 2K income per month I believe she will not get much help from the VA. That was my experience with my father. WWII veteran with income of about 2100/mo. He was eligible for about 2 hours, 2 times a week for bathing and personal care. And there was actually nobody available in our rural area to do it. So nothing. He was not eligible for the actual Aid and Attendance, in spite of his very debilitated condition.
Getting private pay help to come in is hard. Sometimes they are unreliable, untrustworthy, unskilled... you have to be careful and you almost have to be there to keep an eye on things. Unless you self pay for a skilled nurse- they are better - and then find a trustworthy one.
Tough situation and it will only get worse as time goes on.
Dorker should resist or she will be sucked in again.
Maybe get a social worker involved but be sure that the MIL isn't the only one to talk to this person. My 91 yr old grandmother told the social worker that she could do everything. I had to go correct it all. She did get some help in the end but she was on Medicaid because of very low income, not Medicare. Medicaid provides a lot more. ( She wasn't a slouch - nurse in WWII - just poor in very old age. Money ran out.)
Also, wondering, even if MIL gets things delivered can she actually put them away, cook for herself, etc? Sounds like she needs a lot more help than just home delivery. Dorker has told the family, essentially, she cannot live alone. More serious help is needed and it shouldn't be Dorker.
Just my thoughts. My heart is with you Dorker.
I've been out of the loop now for 9/10 months or so. When I departed the scene there and all things MIL and her care .. she was, at that time, routinely refusing the use of the walker, opting for a cane instead (in spite of medical advice to the contrary).
I can't imagine .. seeing her get around at this point, using her walker, .. how is she managing things like, .. you pull into your garage and then amble on back to the trunk .. with your walker, now now offload the groceries and get them into the house. The big stack of multiple pack of toilet paper, .. the big package of multiple rolls of paper towels, just to name a few things. How does one even hang onto their walker, yet grab these items and secure them into the house, along with the other items . bags of bread and lunch meat, eggs and milk, etc. I can't even imagine.
Haven't seen it at work to know. She is now using her walker, 100% of the time, so SIL says (but I've heard that before, and SIL goes away and the cane reappears, so who can say). This last fall she took, . .while there were no broken bones, there might as well have been for how badly she was injured, and it scared her, .. so I'm told. So maybe now, she will actually continue the use of the walker all the time.
I can't even imagine how she gets around, on a walker, to put things away. Her daughter has been on site since the walker came out for f/t use. And so, daughter would be the one to put things away, and go to the store.
As to cooking for herself .. not so much no. She gets MOW daily .. and a weekend delivery on Friday (to serve for Saturday/Sunday). She can do simple things.. or the last I knew she could .. stand at the stove and scramble an egg. That kinda thing. Put a bowl of soup in the microwave. But this is all before, when she was using a cane only. I don't know, as to the here and now, how she does it, using a walker.
What little exposure I've had to the scene there, merely letting go of that walker, and she begins to wobble and over she'll go (if standing). So I just don't know.
If she falls, do not try to pick her up - dangerous for her. I found my 91 yr old grandmother naked in the tub - fell - and naked on the kitchen floor - fell and had been there for hours in the night. I lived 20 feet away but she wanted to be by herself. She had a walker too. She had MOW and did the microwave and scrambled egg thing too. I didn't live with her. I was there a lot and checked on her regularly. I was young and inexperienced. I honored her wishes.
When a crisis happens and you call 911, the rescue squad will come (ambulance) and she will be admitted to the hospital for a minimum of 3 days - and then to a rehab facility for about a month. These are medicare rules and the hospital/nursing home gets payments this way - the min/max stays.
After rehab she will be evaluated - the house may even be inspected for shower bars, dangerous throw rugs, etc. They will decide whether or not she can be released to the house. They will require care by someone if they think she is not capable.
In Grandma's case, eventually, after a few falls - about 3 in an 18 month period, and me saying I couldn't do it any more, she was put into a nursing home paid for by the state as she was poor. If you have money you will have to pay out of pocket, or in combo with insurance. The State can also go after your assets to pay for your care. I don't know if the authorities can force a person into a home, but I think so if there is no one to care for the person.
Just my experience from a few years ago.
But thinking about what’s coming next for MIL just makes me sad.
Because if this goes down as experience has taught many of us it will - this is the point when “quality of life” really starts to slip.
They stop doing the things that prove too difficult or that they fear - fear for imaginary reasons and for real ones.
When left to acomplish on their own things like showering, changing cloths - even changing Depends comes to mind. Putting away groceries proves too difficult so getting/ordering them happens less often and out of date and spoiled food is common.
They are pretty good at hiding it at first - and they don’t ask for help - say, with the ant issue because they don’t want to call your attention to anything that’s wrong as they don’t want you to notice everything that is wrong.
And - at least if your not going over frequently, it’s easy to miss it all - all thats not as it needs to be.
So will eight hours of paid help be enough? Probably not. But one can hope that every hour is used judiciously. One can hope.
Maybe MIL will surprise everyone and do just fine. After all, as someone pointed out - several home health people came and saw - and signed off on it all.
But just maybe they made their decision based on the fact that SIL was there and would be there indefinitely- with the goal being getting MIL strong enough to travel and then move 1000 miles away, in with her daughter. Just maybe they never suspected that this end goal would get canceled in its 11th hour.
The whole thing just makes me sad.
Maybe those are the rules of old ... assembly line, .. 3 day obligatory stay in the hospital, discharge to rehab .. on and on it went. Not so anymore. Seems Medicare now found an "out" as to paying for Rehab facilities. Just label the patient as "outpatient", even though that patient is in a hospital bed,.. just the same as the next guy, and being brought meals, .. even though that patient is being hauled hither and yon for procedures and tests, etc .. just the same as the next guy. But when it's time to discharge .. they go home .. unless they wanna self pay for Rehab facility.
That's been the experience here. (She wouldn't of gone anyway, to a rehab facility .. she'd of refused).
Yes they are lining up a paltry 8 hours a week of HHC. But .. life doesn't happen in just the 8 hours set aside for home health care services. So what falls outside of that, as to "life" as it happens .. and what of the pieces and bits that are a mess surrounding that 8 hours.
Yes, I would be of help to my husband and not just shun it all. But .. I'm here to tell ya .. her needs far exceed what 8 hours is going to cover, .. and ... in the event of illness on behalf of her or the dog .. katie bar the door .. as they say .. the need exponentially increases rapidly and to an enormous extent.
And the same problem presents that brought me here to begin with 10 months ago .. and no resolution in sight, at all.
A son (my husband) mentality, his approach "we'll take it as it comes, that's all we can do, Dorker you wanna put everything in a nice little compartment as to who/where/when/how, it doesn't work that way .. we'll do the best we can"
And that is a synopsis of any dialogue forthcoming from him on it all.
A daughter ... "yes I will get her on the track to going w/me to IL . .. on "x" time frame". "X" time frame comes and goes and reason/excuse after excuse .. it doesn't happen and off she goes to IL to dog-sit .. and whatever .. and MIL twists in the wind.
Nothing changes.
The plan for H is that he takes things day by day. The plan for MIL's care is of course Dorker. It was always Dorker, and it's so disappointing that after these past 10 months that he apparently hasn't budged at all.
There will be a last desperate 911 to the ER and lots of last minute medical heroics. If she's lucky, she'll expire. If she's unlucky, she'll endure some agonizing surgery, dementia will advance and she'll linger miserably in a NH for months. I'm recounting my experience with my MIL, who wouldn't accept help.
Let's give an example.
So SIL is gone now .. and I dunno .. maybe a month from now, MIL now besieged by a stomach ailment as she's so prone for.
So now you have SIL wringing her hands from afar, .. MIL is out of Pepto Bismol, She really just doesn't do well when she's sick, at keeping fluids going .. I wonder how she is on that Pedialyte drink .. I know she probably needs some bananas and dry toast ..
(I know from experience .. I can take those items to her, and go on my merry way .. and maybe call her later .. and/or DH call her later, "ma you drinking .. are you drinking, did you get some fluids going have you been able to hold anything down".
Answer: ( a slow drawn out, frail voice) "no .. I just .. I'm not myself here, I just .. I don't feel well .. I will .. I will do it .. I will".
Check back later .. "hey ma .. how's it going with keeping some fluids down . you doing okay".
Answer: (again, slow drawn out frail voice) "oh I just can't .. I don't want anything .. I just don't feel well, this is not me, .. this isn't what I'm about .. I just .. I just can't, .. I will .. I'll get something in a little bit".
Lather/rinse/repeat .. it goes on and on. Until it becomes evident that unless someone is there audibly directing the show, the above isn't going to occur.
Well .. who is that "someone". Is it DD that is now going to sit vigil .. and what ..???...bring her 3 kids to me, to facilitate above. Is it DD that is going to now, haul 3 kids and sit vigil .. and expose them to what may be a stomach bug or may be a diverticulitis flare up .. who knows .. is it DD who is going to expose herself .. and then bring home a possible germ bug in sitting vigil.
Is it DH ... as he is "under the gun, can't be there, have to finish this project".
Is it YD .. "Sorry guys, I'm scheduled to work the next 4 days .. can't help you".
Is it OD: "Sorry guys, I don't do the whole nurse maid thing .. I'll go visit her . but nah .. that aint me, nursing along a sickie ... best of luck to yall".
Now I am not without heart. Were the above, a little tiny slice of a scenario that goes on .. give that very same scenario in the case of an otherwise mostly functional self sufficient person, for the most part .. absolutely .. front and center, I'm all over it. You got it.
Present that same scenario .. in the setting of a person who has had you for countless other needs within the last several days .. weeks .. as she fails to thrive/manage .. and to the determent of your own world and your own responsibilities and enjoyment in what you want to do with your daily existence. YES .. I have a problem with being accountable to the above.
So ... what would any of you guys do given the above?
(and let's not forget the number of times, left to her own device, to mend from illness .. failure to do so, resulting in a fall, .. which now requires front and center attendance, as she can't even ambulate to care for herself with this whole Medicare notion that no rehab is allowed, as she's been outpatient).
The above was presented to DH .. as I hashed thru some of my worries about it all. His answer to the above. "She won't be here forever", coupled with, "we'll just do the best we can", coupled with, "so she goes to her great beyond .. that's what she wants anyway", coupled with "so don't do it, you act like I'm holding a gun to your head .. do what you want, .. or don't".
So what would you guys propose with the above.
I'd expect DH to visit after work and call 911 or take her to urgent care if he thinks she needs treatment.
I would not "sit with her". She needs, on a good day, to go see an Assisted Living place that takes Medicaid and see for herself that it's not a bunch of drugged up folks in wheelchairs.
And just .. one other thing. So let's say .. DH needs to visit her after work, .. and check on her welfare. Dorker says to DH (or doesn't, at all) .. "DH might wanna run out and have a look at your mom after work". DH answers, "I have a church meeting tonight, I can't do it".
Let it go?
Don't go there, .. ??... as I have in the past. "The church folks will do alright .. you need to check on your mom". And the race is on, as to contention in this household.
Don't go there, at all, in suggestion? If he doesn't have enough sense to go out there after work, without prompt, then so be it?
Telling people what to do often creates resistence. I'd drop the entire subject.
The thing about SIL - I've been churning the phrasing of it over a couple of days now - is that for years and years her system has worked. MIL has needed to be "got back on her feet." SIL has turned up, stayed awhile, boosted the diet, spoon-fed the medications, hurtled about a bit; MIL has been put back on her feet; and, as you say, rinse, repeat. At shorter and shorter intervals, and with increasing and increasingly disproportionate reliance on your input. But it's *worked.*
The thing is that, inevitably for us mortals, there will come a time when it doesn't work. Not this time. It's not going to work. That's the crunch you're all waiting for.
DH expects you to do what he would do. Which is, to do what you are content to do. He expects, most men would, that the rest of the time you will be busy doing whatever else you do and you put MIL out of your mind and don't worry about it. Many women, or so I believe anyway, more so than men, are not good at not feeling bad - often guilty, in fact - about what they can't help.
Me, I honestly would go back to a To Do list; and ruthlessly edit it. So, for example, would you...
attend ER with MIL - yes, absolutely.
take MIL to routine appointments - nope.
assist with setting up px delivery schedules - sure.
make a special trip to the pharmacy - nope.
assist with setting up weekly grocery deliveries - sure.
assist with putting away groceries - nope, not unless I happened to be there anyway.
and so on with all the things you predict will crop up.
It's a question of what you would in the normal way of things be perfectly happy to do. That might be - I'm just thinking of what I'd have been to content to help my elders with - visit her most weekends, have lunch with her, take her shopping, attend scheduled medical appointments, help her take her dog for its vaccinations. Whatever is NORMAL and convenient and proportionate. Things that don't take you out of your way, or get in the way of other stuff you need or want to do.
So, take the next crisis as an example; though by the bye, I would get hold of the HHC provider's contact names and numbers so that you can liaise with them too. You call MIL and get the dying swan act over the phone. You do not rush round there; you call again whenever you normally would and stay alert to any changes. There are no apparent changes or problems, so you visit as normal and sort out any small difficulties, like her not being able to get the lid off a bottle. Or, she doesn't answer the phone - refer up to DH with recommendation to run checks. Or, she sounds excessively sleepy or confused - refer up to DH with strong recommendation to seek urgent medical attention.
Let's say you do that last one, and DH says "I can't leave work, can you handle this?" Well. If it were me, I would agree to handle it. But that would mean that I would handle it. Which would mean that I will take MIL to ER, but I will not be bringing her home again because I cannot agree that she can safely be discharged home. If the ER team, and MIL, and MIL's next-of-kin (absent POAs or proxies, as we know), persist in discharging this frail unwell elderly lady to an unsafe environment they will do so without my participation.
I also have to say that I would flatly refuse to include either daughter in any of this 'planned preventive maintenance,' so to speak. Their presence of course will always be a welcome bonus. NEITHER of them is in any position to offer commitment, and they should not be encouraged to.
"Sitting vigil?" with someone with a stomach ache is ridiculous. If she has a flare up of the diverticulitis, does it always get "hospital bad" or just "I shouldn't have eaten that" bad?
DH's complete and utter dedication to his "churching" just rankles, for me. He has a HUGE ox in the mire, 24/7 yet routinely meets with his church group, looking for ways to serve, I imagine. I'm wondering, in the next life, if we're asked to defend ourselves before some council--and we are asked "And how did you serve the poor and needy?" Dh can pipe up with his churching--and the heavenly council will point to his Mother and say "What about her?"
I'm 100% positive that very little can actually be accomplished in the 8 hrs MIL will have an aide. Bathing, a little shopping, maybe some errands, but 8 hours is just really considered bare-bones care, time wise.
And is anyone surprised that D's kids got sick and the day was cancelled? I have 14 grandkids and we can't EVER plan anything "in concrete" as somebody is always, inevitably sick.
The go-with-the-flow attitude your DH takes is just so blind. Who just posted "YOUR failure to plan does not constitute and emergency on my part"....I like that.
Once again, as always, so sorry for this mess. And not one bit of it is your responsibility. Unless you let it be. Up to you. Just sending support to you--with SIL leaving soon and thinking she's got MIL all set up.
Oh, and I would not communicate with SIL at all. She's obviously not interested in you beyond what you will DO for MIL, why waste energy reading texts and taking hysterical phone calls from her? Just block her calls. She'll get used to calling DH and MIL will have to get used to sub-par care.
DD .. her husband's family.
DD's mother in law .. the aged dad (married, wife still living in the home with the aged frail old fella). That fella .. he had 9 lives I swear. He was in the hospital so many times and the death knell sounding .. only for him to rebound and be discharged to home, but more often that not, rehab. And then .. eventually home. And lather/rinse/repeat.
And as DD put it, .. in her .. I would suppose .. being a bit confounded with my approach .. "Mom don't you think that they too dealt with getting him home from Rehab .. and him being told to stay put - for instance - don't get up .. and what does he do . he gets up and he falls and now has a huge gash in his leg in need of sutures and because of blood loss is now in A-fib and hospitalized again ... they too dealt with him consistently not following instructions and the fallout of it .......... just as you've seen with MIL .. it's part of it".
Yep. Indeed. I get it.
BUT .................
The above had a couple of factors as they all worked to manage this wholly unmanageable setting. First off, he did have a wife there, .. to stay after the mean old cuss about his meds (and she did have to do that, and he was a mean old cuss .. he was sickly and didn't feel good 98% of the time, and his poor wife caught the wrath for it). But there was a living spouse in the home, 24/7. There was his one and only offspring .. his daughter (DD's MIL) .. living locally ... at a job where, .. I'm sure her responsibility is great and leaving that job for all the mishaps along the way .. huge and problematic .. but .. do-able. There is the husband to this MIL (enormously giving and selfless in it all).
But a big big plus they had in it all, not to mention the above. Each works .. the MIL to DD and her husband .. set hours .. and so .. in that, there is the knowledge that one will have as set schedule, as to addressing some of the mishaps and ever failing set ups that ailing/aged create.
DH .. does not have set hours .. in fact ........... there are times when he is not home until well after dark (not often, but it does happen). And as such, for a long long time, I did what I could to lighten his load .. in that arena .. and took it on. Obviously I can't fix a leaky faucet, or a broken sprinkler head, .. or a fence that's fallen down .. but I COULD and DID .. act in his stead on many other maladies along the way for a long while , lessening his burden to step up and do it.
Just was an interesting observation as I pondered why it worked in the only other real exposure I've had as a sideline seat to it all. It worked, .. I'm sure it wasn't easy .. in fact, every bit as confounding and infuriating at times. And yes .. I can recall times when the dad, the ole grouchy guy .. would be hospitlized and/or in rehab (he is now deceased) .. and the in laws weren't able to be of any service as to spending time with DD's kids (something they routinely enjoy doing, at least with the older one). There were times in those last years .. they were absent/AWOL .. on any front and center face time with the g'daughter .. but that was because it was taking both of them, to do what it took to manage it all, I would suppose.
It's just interesting to me, as I ponder the only other sideline seat I've had to all of it.
Bananas as a part of a BRAT diet, I suppose that would have to be delivered.
And yes to answer Midkid, .. the diverticulitis flare ups .. they do seem to be somewhere between what used to be in years past (Gee, shouldn't of eaten that) to the other end of the spectrum ........... which is pretty painful and not only that, .. just cannot sustain eating/drinking .. no will to do so. Seems to be towards the latter end of that spectrum.
Got back an email, "She's been on the list forever with Elder Source, they are waiting for state funding".
My reply: "State funding?, to do an eval?".
No answer to that.
She sent another responding email: "I thought these services had a 60 day limit as temporary from post hospitalization".
My response: "It doesn't say that anywhere, not that I read, the way I read it, she has to have a need for skilled nursing care .. in order to receive home health aide services along with it, which is more of what she needs rather than skilled nursing (OT/PT/RN/LPN). So .. what if her homebound status makes it too difficult for her, to get to PT outpatient, there's your skilled nursing care requirement .. what of the leg wraps you mentioned, does that take an LPN .. is that a qualification for the skilled nursing care. Maybe some dollars need to be thrown at an elder care advocate to sort out what is and isn't qualified and available to her".
She then wrote: "B (her husband) is saying this home health care thing is going to be too costly .. and he worries she may not qualify for the VA Aid and Attendance program. As for PT .. she may have to just end it after next week. It's a hundred times better than in home PT. She will have had 6 sessions though. If she can't drive herself maybe I could set up Uber. Would be cheaper than $20 an hour for home health care. Sure wish she could qualify for that VA benefit before handing over a chunk of money for the deposit and commit to 8 hours @$20//hr. I'm just trying to get something set up for a few months"
She's off now, and gone, she explains to get showered and ready to haul her husband and MIL to their 2nd' of 3 weekly visits to outpatient PT.
See here's the thing .....
If I thought for a minute .. and actually believed it (I don't, . there's been too many FAR TOO MANY things that have derailed what was supposed to have been a departure for IL as far back as September, then it was set for March, then it was set for April . and now it's set for her vague "just a few months"). If I thought, had any confidence at all, .. that "just a few months" .. is what is actually the game plan ..
I would be more than willing to step up to the plate and share in what all this need is.
If I thought for a damn minute that this is going to be as it's actually been laid out .. that .. MIL will never live alone again (as has been said) .. and she will just go with us to IL . and she doesn't want to give up her house .. so we'll go there for like six months .. and then come back here .. maybe winters here .. summers there ..
If I thought for a minute the above compromise would actually transpire .. you can bet I'd be headlong into helping.
That's what started this whole convoluted mess. As you all well know.
I said the need was too great .. increasing. My input .. not heeded/ignored. I departed.
No .. let's sit down and talk about some REAL compromise on the parts of ALL parties involved.
No, if SIL is taking her home to IL and that's written in stone ..... (bar some calamity which is a very real probabililty) then they come back here for six months .. you bet .. I'm not unkind and heartless enough to dust my hands with a "oh well, your baby .. have fun with that". NO, .. there is real compromise at that point, and I would be a part of trying to help.
I have no confidence that there will be any compromise .. thus the reasons we are where we are with it all. No confidence at all!
So now, .. sounds like her husband is maybe balking at the shared cost. Good on him, I suppose. They already pay for her bi-monthly housekeeper, .. her alarm system .. she's on their shared cell phone plan (for a cell phone she never uses, probably doesn't even know where it is). They already pay to fly down here . and/or drive .. at the drop of a damn hat because of some calamity. Good for him, .. that it's too costly.
I am willing to pay our share of it, absolutely I am. I will cut back where I need to if I need to, to accommodate that. Of course I will. But if he is balking at the cost of it, (he who is the kindest most gentle soul and rarely balks at much) .. then .. sit up and take notice.
Her parting words: "This is all so stressful"
The list idea from Countrymouse might work if you do want to try again, but the danger of course is getting sucked back in when unexpected things happen.
I have wondered if your husband is really aware of what is involved. Most people aren't unless they have done it. Seeing it in writing might help. But he also might think things are just that cut and dried and they never are.
MIL will fall, that is a given, whether somebody is there or not. Maybe eventually MIL will have to be considered an inpatient/rehab/nursing home candidate. I did go back and read about that outpatient thing. So disappointing. That IS different than my experience. It seemed like SIL was giving the impression that she would be the caretaker then - maybe that was a factor? MIL's falls will likely get more frequent. Maybe SIL will not be able to be there at some point. That might make a difference.
It's sad that you are the one who feels the pressure because you really do care and you're not in denial about the situation.
I've just broken out in a rash. People who are supposed to be knowledgeable about a field and assume a lot of things in the negative and therefore do not do basic things like BLOODY WELL ASK get right up my nose. I remember my aunt dismissing my query about Granny's LTC insurance with: "BUPA are quite useless, of course." Come again? No, they're not. What she meant was, she'd encountered a glitch with them and couldn't be arsed to sort it out. Which I wouldn't have minded, except it was my grandmother who ended up paying for it, not auntie.
PLUS she was the burning martyr type. Took over everything, shooed everyone away, and then suffered - in silence? If only! - the lonely burdens.
I still want to strangle her and she's been been dead thirteen years...
Anyway. One simple question, yes or no answer. If you get another answer-to-a-different-question, call don't text.