I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
Well, yeeees. But not if you don't let them. And Dorker's developed quite a talent for marking boundaries recently.
I'd have only one question for SIL next week, which is "what do you expect to happen?" And SIL and MIL both need to answer.
The uber/transport thing won't be much of an issue. If it happens at all, MIL will find the car gone by the time she gets to the door; she'll say they're useless and it doesn't work; and she'll give up.
It bothers me that the shopping outings are more than just about shopping for her. They're her form of socialisation, and that is actually quite important. This is something that DH could easily give time to, ironically: three hours picking her up, taking her there, following her around, bringing her home again - there's no particular aptitude or skill required for it; just time and willingness. And if he hasn't got them, why should you? Too protracted an ordeal? Too busy, on a Saturday afternoon? Pity. But what's sauce for the goose...
The thing is. When you itemise her support needs over one week, you can quantify the hours, and then you can see how that translates into time = money. If they *are* going to ask you, however appreciatively, to begin again to contribute, they have to be aware of what *exactly* they are asking for. If you never add up or identify what you're asking someone for, if you just whimper some generalised appeal for help or leave it dangling as an open question, then it's easy to kid yourself that you're not being unreasonable, the other person is being unkind.
Get them to look at it on paper and they can see for themselves. What MIL's genuine needs - let alone fancy-iced vegan dog treats - demand from you is too much to ask. If you can get that penny to drop next week you can call it a result.
What does MIL want? It sounds like SIL wants her to see all of these doctors and sets up appointments - which MIL cancels. If MIL does not want to prolong her life - why is she being forced to go? Has anyone asked her what exactly she wants for her health? If it is to be left alone - then she has to deal with the consequences of not following medical advice - including not taking her medicine. But if that is what she wants and it shortens her life - is that bad?
Dorker - DH has set boundaries - he does house repairs for her, that is it. SIL is trying to set boundaries - she is going home. Default is not Dorker again in all of this swirl. If MIL really wants to do something -she can figure it out. I wonder how much of all of this swirl is SIL making decisions for MIL that MIL doesn't want - healthwise.
What a train wreck waiting to happen. Dorker - be strong. Be MIL's friend again a few hours a week but this isn't your sinking boat to bail.
Proud of you for sticking to your boundaries and I love reading your updates as it helps me so much with my situation.
Queen MIL is so much like my mother. As stated above, you give them an inch, they take a mile. My mother is nonstop barking orders. You can go over and change sheets, do the laundry, take out the trash, and go down her list of to do items. Go to the grocery, gas up her car, come back, put the groceries away - all the while she is pointing and directing exactly which of 3 refrigerators she wants the items to go in. After three hours of running on the hamster wheel, you sit down for five minutes to drink some water and here it comes - barking another order - "go get me my chapstick off the table", "go turn that light off", "turn off the ceiling fan", "go out and get my mail". Yes directives - not "would you please get me...." After 4 hours - I am ready to SCREAM and pull my hair out. It is like a game with her to see how many hoops she can make you jump through. If you say anything to her than she blameshifts and says you are being rude and mean to her.
As someone said - "there is a difference in Service and Servitude". Be strong and show them that spreadsheet. It is time for her to go to AL. Peace!!!
I am assuming when you meet with SIL she will in no way ask for your assistance. Rather, her angle will be “I don’t know what we are going to do”, “are you sure DD is on board to help out?”, “what days are YD available?” Again, fishing, manipulating, trying to get you to *volunteer* back into your old position.
When you produce your list and offer only what you do, it SHOULD be clear to her that her *care plan* is inadequate. It’s already falling apart and she’s not even home yet.
I brought up the wheelchair assuming MIL would certainly object. I was assuming when HHC was on board they would at some point refuse to accompany her to appts etc unless she was in a wheelchair. But Appears HHC is now not a part of the plan.
I think Pallative Care has come up on this thread before. I don’t know a lot about it. If MIL qualified for In Her Home Pallative Care that might help with all the Drs visits, someone go look at her legs, etc. Certainly would not solve all the problems.
Just the time that MIL is alone in her home, as unsteady as she is, that’s the huge problem.
I was advised by a non interested auto insurance agent to NOT even write out the check and let Mom sign it for auto insurance premium! And to NOT under any circumstance sign the check for her auto insurance premium!
We all assume in your state MILs bad decisions are hers alone. SIL might want to verify that before she boards the plane.
No surprise that the "plan" is already being kiboshed by MIL. What else was expected?
IMHO, and as I have stated repeatedly, NOTHING is really going to happen. No changes will be acceptable to MIL. Dorker will be put on the chopping block for not stepping back into the losing battle.
It's SO sad that her marriage is now at a breaking point over this. DH is obtuse and deliberately staying out of the mess. My DH would be exactly the same way. SIL is frantic--she nursed MIL back to "health" and that can be undone with one fall, one bout of uncontrolled edema.
As I stated above and kind of over and over---MIL is not going to be compliant--she doesn't know the meaning of the word. The past predicts the future.
After the "talk" with SIL on Tues., IF it happens, Dorker, if it goes badly and you are feeling pressured and kicked at--pack a bag and go visit your mom for a week or 10. Don't answer texts from SIL. SPEAK only to DH, if you choose.
Maybe it's a 'chicken' move, but it would solidify your resolve to NOT be a part of this charade any more. I truly don't think your SIL even looks at you as a person--just a cog in the wheel of MIL's life.
You seem to be literally the ONLY person in this who can see what a joke it all is.
I just wanna come down and slap half of your family.....well, not BIL, he sounds nice. Not your kids.
Like I said earlier--8 hrs a week will make zero difference in this mess. 24/7 care, yes. But that would mean Queenie would have to move--and we all know that ain't gonna happen.
Anyone else see the complete irony in the fact that SIL COULD have facilitated getting MMIL into a IL during the 4 months she's been here chasing her tail? What an epic waste of time.
So sorry.
I found a list of affirmations and will share a few:
I always have a choice.
I can always say "no" to people or situations that do not align with life's highest good and purpose.
I can say "no" and walk away from situations that cause me emotional pain or turmoil.
I do not have to do something because someone tells me I *should* do it.
I choose to let go of self blame, I choose to let go of poor self-esteem, and I choose to assert my individual rights in my marriage.
I realize that I am inherently worthy of being cherished, being loved, experiencing loyalty, and experiencing emotional SAFETY in my marriage and other close relationships.
I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR MAKING OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD DECISIONS WORK.
And let me add here "NO is a complete sentence".
Dorker, I'm 90% sure that your DH is not willing to make this be the hill he dies on with your marriage. You used to work full time. You kept taking time off to deal with MIL, with the kids, with DH business - REMEMBER? You quit that job to provide assistance with your family and husband's business. Not 24/7 support for your MIL. You do so much with his business, with his household, with the church until recently, with his children and grandchildren that ensure his comfort. He keeps hoping that you will somehow "fix" this again with MIL because you DID for 15 years. If DH can't schedule visits, don't schedule yours either. If you are visiting as a loving DIL because "MIL can handle it all and doesn't need supporting", stop by with a hot meal on random days (call first but hot food means you can't stop for errands...hehe) and that way you aren't steppin and fetchin. I would not remind SIL, DH or MIL about Tuesday meeting. I would block them all - I've quit answering my MIL and FIL calls. They call my hubs if they want him. If he doesn't answer, then he and his bro can work it out. If your daughter volunteered to help her grandmother, let her. Don't enable your daughter's offer to help or be guilted into taking over. SIL is already prepping you back into the text loop with "what about fill-in-blank's schedule"?
Remember Maya Angelou's statement paraphrased here - when people show you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.
When last I knew, yes, MIL paid her own bills. Now, .. prefaced with, any hiccup in that process .. i.e. "why is the cable bill more than it's supposed to be", that would get handed over to SIL for sorting thru.
Her bills are nominal (last I knew).
Monthly - Cable TV
Monthly - home phone/landline
Monthly - utilities
Monthly - a small major credit card/a small balance on a major big box retail store
Bi-annual - auto insurance
Annual - property taxes
Annual - homeowner insurance
The sorting thru, as to "why has my car insurance gone up?", handed over to SIL to sort thru and/or change insurances, same with h/o insurance or anything much else that has a hiccup in it.
And yes, .. I thought it was interesting when DD was talking with me about the whole thing. I think her beef wasn't so much that I stepped away from it all .. (though she would fault my inability to set a straight *nope, not doing that* and/or ignore requests - much as her dad does - she is cut from that cloth). I think her sentiments were that it was wrong of me .. and found fault of me .. in not being engaged as in, visiting with MIL and calling upon MIL. She said this, which kinda lines up with something said here by someone else: "Have they asked you to help ...??....nobody has even asked you to re-enter the whole thing .. " (she then goes on from there, to chastise in a sense, that I would just disappear from the radar entirely .. as to communication with MIL. Point there, someone else here suggested, .. maybe she's not even going to ask for any help but lament her plight in, "well will DD really be able to help, what's YD's world these days?", all in a veiled attempt to get me to volunteer to step in. Very interesting and yes, I could see that happening. Maybe there is no intent whatsoever, to throw me back into the mix .. and that suits me okay too.
DD is right, but she's also wrong. I have been absent in MIL's life. I have however, .. if DH was going and wanted my company, for say a dinner out, .. lunch out .. etc .. joined .. if I was available. If he was going .. stopping by .. if I was able, .. I'd go also. This was before the big fall of xmas time. I was on the scene as far as that goes .. if DH was going, I'd go, if able. So .. I haven't just completely gone incommunicado in the whole thing .. she's wrong about that part. I haven't gone over of my own fruition . that much is true .. at all .. not in these last several months (that's something that's different than how it used to be, .. but in truth .. the only reasons .. in the last several years that I'd of been there, .. there was plenty of reason to be there, .. numerous doc visits/errands .. so forth. . her health and situation .. hasn't .. for a long long time, been that where you might call her and say "hey let's go grab lunch out, I'll come get you". So .. yes at one time that was at play in our dynamics .. long ago. But in more recent times you'd of found me (absent DH on the scene) answering to need of various origination. Then .. this whole thing kinda took the direction it did about this time last year .. and subsequent to that, my presence would be about .. oh .. when DH was going .. outside of that, no .. not present. No, not calling .. not really .. other than just infrequently.
Then she fell in December. She was so seriously injured and compromised behind that fall that she was brought home via ambulance and from what I heard from SIL on it, not ambulatory at all. Soon after the PT/OT and visiting nurse, part of the daily or somewhat daily scene there coming and going ..
And I would talk with SIL .. "how's MIL doing?", and get the skinny on things. I called a couple of times, expressly to talk to MIL (in the early stages of recoop from the fall) .. and got SIL instead who ran interference in the notion "she's laying down right now, all the coming and going of the med staff here.. it all wears her out". Called another time, and there was some med staff on site and neither SIL nor MIL could talk, . SIL begging off talking to me, to go deal with what med staff was on site.
I don't even really know .. was there a light bulb that came on in it all, .. at what point ..????.....that suddenly this person who had been so seriously injured in this fall . and was all but not even ambulatory and then working to recover .. was there a point in time the light bulb came on and life as we knew it resumed .. and I could've/should've been calling and being a "friend" at that point. I don't know .. I don't know when that marker hit .. all I do know is that for the longest period of time, after that fall, .. she was busy either resting .. from the med staff in and out .. or she was asleep .. or med staff was on site .. and I was not in the mix of it all, calling MIL.
And . thus you have it where DD has chided me .. that it's not right that I don't any longer call MIL or go see her, that part isn't right (per DD).
But it was she who also said, what was said here, .. "have they asked for you to step in and help?, .. they may not even want you to help". Then followed by the above.
That could be the case .. maybe SIL comes here and she dances and sings a jig of some sort that makes no sense as to the support structure that sounds easily able to crumble .. and never does ask for any input from me, as to stepping into it all. That's fine, .. works for me. And somewhere in all of that I will, at some point, sit down and talk to MIL and resume .. some contact .. and sans my help in it all, if that's the path that is set forward.
Narcissa shouldn't even have a car anymore. Good thing that she keeps up her auto insurance if she DOES try to drive somewhere. I wonder if she will do just that if, say, Precious Pooch runs out of the gourmet vegetarian treats.
HA!
You can write the script for what happened, I'm sure.
He did go and did .. in some sense, maybe meek as a kitty cat .. bring up that concern, to which SIL assured they are out driving .. MIL behind the wheel .. at least thru the neighborhood, . in practice for when she is no longer there.
He came home, no keys had been confiscated .. and there ya have it.
ABSOLUTELY .. she will get in her car and drive (and I'd love to know what went with the written request sent to the state by me, I've head nothing of any authorities contacting them from the gov't). She most certainly will, not a doubt in my mind. Should she? He&L no! But am I going to say anything? Nope. As DH put it when he was all puffed up and ready to show em whose boss here .. "she is so slow reacting she can't even speak without being slow about it she has no business driving anymore, and I"m going to go over there and demand they hand over the keys". HA!
Didn't happen.
And yes, I would presume the very afternoon they are gone .. she will dig the canes out from wherever they've been stowed away .. and off she'll go .. out into the driveway and across the road to where the sidewalk is .. cane in hand, and dog leash in the other hand. Not a doubt in my mind.
SIL can only hope that she herself has created enough *connection* there .. herself .. with the neighbors, that someone will tattle to her, long distance. I don't know if they will or won't, and I'm not fighting that fight any longer, I did for a long while .. that ship has sailed in my mind.
And yes, as someone else said, I will remind SIL to set the window shades to the desired preference, so as to keep MIL from attempting to do so and ending up a heap in the floor, injured.
Brave Sir Robin ran away.
Bravely ran away, away!
When danger reared its ugly head,
He bravely turned his tail and fled.
Yes, brave Sir Robin turned about
And gallantly he chickened out.
Bravely taking to his feet
He beat a very brave retreat,
Bravest of the brave, Sir Robin!
He is chucking it in and packing it up
And sneaking away and buggering off
And chickening out and pissing off home,
Yes, bravely he is throwing in the sponge...
I have been very careful to keep an open mind about SIL. Bless her, she's doing her best.
Practising driving? PRACTISING? How long has MIL had her licence? On what planet does anyone think that the problem is lack of [expletive deleted] PRACTICE???
If this were anyone else's mother, would SIL encourage her to stay on the road?
BUT SHE'S GOING TO BE DRIVING?!?!?!
Yes, what IS the matter with Florida's DMV that your letter to them wasn't even acted upon?
Ya'll I know this all sounds like a really lousy "B" movie. But, sadly, it's all true.
At least SIL is out with her, in the passenger seat, for this practice. Though, we've all seen, SIL's judgement skills are pretty poor.
Yes, she is a hazard to be out and about. Is there a damn thing I can do about it? Nope.
Someone is driving the crazy here.
Dorker, it's not YOUR job to figure ANY of this out. I just need to point out to you, from the perspective of someone with a "relatively" normal family and a graduate degree in a helping profession (and I assume that SIL has an MSW or the equivalent), that SIL is behaving in a highly bizarre manner.
Unless you are terribly exaggerating MIL's impairments ( and I don't think you are), your SIL is enabling a very compromised person.
Just wanted to chime in with that. If you end up taking MIL to a doctor/end up in the ER, whatever. make sure you ask "should she still be driving?" "How can we make sure that she's not driving?". "What do you recommend in terms of her living situation? She currently lives alone and has no financial resources to hire in home help".
And like that.
I ask this question respectfully, as I know you care about your SIL.
Do you think SIL is just unwilling to accept she can’t fix MIL or does SIL not have a lot of common sense?
SIL, a retired Social Worker, I would think is reasonably intelligent.
I just can’t wrap my head around her having MIL practice driving.
Yes, one would assume her to be fairly intelligent, .. she was a licensed social worker for a large metropolitan school system in her career.
There have been times that I have thought of sitting with MIL, .. and asking her (because I know her daughter drives her to the edge of crazy) .. and just asking MIL frankly, "is this what you want?, all this fussing about you? You know, it doesn't have to be this way .. you have earned the right at your age, to make some decisions that don't entail having to run from one specialist to the next ... do you want me to advocate for you, to get your daughter to settle the hell down and back up off of this?
I know that MIL has often said of her daughter, (and I concur) that she needs to be on some kind of anxiety med .. that she stays wrapped up so tight .. she needs to unwind and quit driving the bus right off the edge of the earth with all her wringing of hand and gnashing of teeth. I concur 100% .
A good for instance, .. as I was pondering earlier this afternoon .. let me give you an example of her at work.
Back when we sheltered MIL here for the hurricane ..
We were, a lot of us .. without power, for days upon days. That means us, here in our household, as well as MIL's household. SIL .. in touch .. .almost as if a fly/bee buzzing about (from afar, via text) .. aware there was no power here (we had a generator going here, to power our fridge/freezer, so no spoiled foods). She began worrying .. (I'm not kidding) the very next morning .. from afar .. aware there is power loss .. we hadn't even seen the end to the storm .. I'm dead serious .. it hadn't come to a still here from the storm, before she was now worried (obsessing) over the foods at MIL's home, in her fridge/freezer.
I wish I could paint a picture as accurate as it all was. Her .. texting .. worrying/anguishing .. over that one issue specifically but others (aside from this) and in touch .. via text. "Worried about mom's foods at her house/freezer/fridge .. ".
I would assure, .. foods in a fridge are good for 24 hours .. freezer .. if the freezer is full, good for 48 hours .. one can check those things . . should the power come back on .. in the next 24 hours or so .. one can take a look at the foods to see if they'd thawed .. and re-froze .. etc. We'll keep a watch on things".
Now, for most people (from afar) .. would you not assume .. these are all adults, with enough sense to get through their daily life ......... likely not the first time power has been lost .. this is FL afterall, it storms daily in the summer, and power loss .. it happens (not for days and days , but it happens).
Personally, I think it was a bit much for her to even be worrying us about such things, at that point. But I'm too close to the flame to look objectively. So okay .. she mentions it as a concern, .. I respond .. informing her that we have some knowledge on that topic and that . we'll keep a watch on that.
That should suffice IMO. It's been mentioned, it's been noted... issue over.
Nope. Not with her.
This went on, ad nauseum with her, as well as other items to wring her hands and gnash her teeth over (at the time there was a chest xray on tap as to MIL . and MIL resisting going for same .. and SIL opening up an aorta over that also). She would literally ask .. every few hours .. do we still not have power, have I heard from the neighbors of MIL as to whether power has been restored there, followed by concern over the foods there. And of course, ... I would reassure . that we're on it, no .. nobody has power yet ... but if it comes to it, that power doesn't restore ... some of us will get out there to pitch out perishables, no worries.
She harped on this (and other things of her gnashing her teeth over) .. incessantly.
As it was, the power was out for days .. and DH and YD did go out there and empty the freezer/fridge of perishables .. and her then questioning (micro managing). Here are YD and DD .. we're here on the ground, weathering the aftermath here .. doing the best we can with difficult circumstances ..
They go out there, to MIL's home (did not tell MIL they were going there, on purpose, she'd of wanted to go with .. to survey the damage in her area) .. they didn't want to be encumbered with her mobility issues .. wanted to get in there, garbage can at hand (remember, no power out there .. hot/humid) . and get out and get back here.
Purposely didn't tell MIL they'd gone to do that (MIL expressing no concern over this whole thing that seemed to have SIL loosing sleep) ........
I did text SIL (so as to get that issue off my radar as to her bugging the crap outta me.
"Hey SIL .. just to let you know YD and DD have gone out to MIL's at the moment to empty the perishables from her fridge freezer .. didn't tell MIL .. only because she'd of wanted to go .. and they don't want to deal with that they just wanna get it done and get gone from there".
She now, micromanaging from afar .. "Oh Should I call DH . ya know, they need to look, in her freezer, I'd left all those frozen meals in there, some of them don't have meat in them .. like a frozen rice and black bean thing . wonder .. maybe that doesn't need to be thrown out, maybe if they'd carefully look at what they're pitching out should I call him while he's there".
This whole scenario had caused me already to blow up .. (tempers are short in these aftermaths .. or mine is) and I'd already blown up .. at her incessant worry about this .. and blown my stack audibly .. with MIL sitting right there, .. watching .. "YOUR SISTER .. DAMNIT .............!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!...................She's about to get told, get your azz on a plane and get down here if you're so worried about everything that's going on .. otherwise, let us deal with it!". MIL sitting right there, heard me blow my stack, saw it and responded, "I don't know what's wrong with her, she needs to get into some of her husband's drugs and take them .. she needs to be on something .. she gets so wound up and needs to settle the hell down".
So here I've informed her (solely for the purpose of getting that out of my circumference, that buzzing bee .. annoying gnat flying in my face all the time, that specific issue). I had simply texted that they'd gone out to take care of that.
That was met with her now wanting to micromanage from afar .. should she call DH on the phone and maybe have him list as he's pulling frozen dinners out of the freezer . maybe some of it doesn't have to get pitched.
I told her "No .. don't bother him, . he wants to get it done and get on outta there .. we're all doing the best we can here".
(MIL had already expressed that SIL when last here, had gone to the store and stocked her freezer with all these frozen entrees that she detests .. and had laughed, "Good I won't have to eat them").
I answered, "No leave him alone, we're all doing the best we can here with some difficult circumstances, .. just leave him alone and let him get it done".
She then asked, "Should we tell mom that he's out there, what if she needs something, a change of clothes or whatever".
Me: "I have power .. I can wash her clothes .. her home does not .. I can wash her clothes .. no I'm not going to bother DH to now go into the back of the house with flashlight in hand to search out for her clean clothes .. if she needs me to wash her clothes, I have power at my house"
SIL: "Oh that's right I forgot your power is back on .. what about her dog, what if her dog needs something".
At that I blew up at her.
ME: "How about you worry about someone besides your mother and her wants/needs in all this, we're all adults here, we can find out way around in all this, I'm done talking about it, the foods have been disposed of, don't wanna hear anymore about it".
This is just one little minuscule tiny sliver of what goes on. Just a tiny glimpse of the much huger picture that is dealing with SIL.
So yea .. somebody is driving the crazy and it's her.
SO many examples.
And yes, .. she's apparently out in the passenger seat these days (how much I don't know . haven't asked) .. and MIL in the driver's seat .. and driving around for practice in the neighborhood.
Uhm .. and ... ???.... life only goes on, in the "neighborhood"?
I haven't argued the point. She's driving the crazy bus here.
I think about the times that DH would be out there to see his mom, her weepy .. "this isn't what I"m about, I'm just ready to go to my great reward .. I'm not about all these doctor appointments and going to all these procedures and tests ..".
Would lead one to believe maybe she would indeed like a different path .. but then .. next time she isn't feeling well, she beckons for him to come .. she isn't feeling right.
I don't know .. I give up. Is it any wonder, I too .. have been driven to the edge of sanity with it all?
I can only say that my observations are as follows.
I know that she has said to her mom, when there was earnest attempt to get her mom to come to IL .. "Mom .. you don't have to walk the waning days of your life alone .. I'll help you, but I need you to help me, . by coming here .. where I can help you .. I can't come live there".
So at least I know there is an awareness on her part .. that her mother is mortal and will pass.
I can only share that she .. like myself .. a fixer. There's a problem you fix it. You find a way/path .. you fix it.
Sometimes that fix might need to be a different path .. rather than "fixing" it .. let's look at palliative care .. and I've suggested that. But like anything else that I've suggested, falls flat.
I know that DD is .. as is DD's husband of the camp .. "SIL has no intention of ever bringing MIL to her home to care for her, .. if she did .. it would be happening .. SIL an move move mountains to get things done .. she doesn't want her there, she is shirking her responsibility as her daughter, and doesn't want her there".
So somewhere in all that lies .. what makes SIL tick. I don't know the precise answer.
Okay, not the actual driving part (good grief!) but the whole concept behind the “practicing”. Dare we hope that SIL is also having MIL “practicing” other things- more sensible, meaningful things, like making herself a small meal or any of the dozens of other ADLs?
Throw in two things said by two other posters here - one pointing out hunting season is over, the other saying if he won’t commit to one afternoon or evening a week - that you shouldn’t either. Which btw, I agree with completely.
I keep thinking about dh and his nutty failure to see what a hypocrite he is with all his churching - even to the point of ministering to total strangers who drive thru in their car but he won’t commit to spending a set chunk of time aside to spend with his own dying mother. It’s got to be one of the most dysfunctional things I’ve ever come across - that somehow he can justify this to himself. Add to the equation that he expects YOU to just be there “taking it as it comes”...I mean, sure - he is now saying “you stepped off. Fine”. But we all know it’s not fine with him at all once the scratched surface is exposed.
Anyhoo - is there any point in bringing it up again coming from this stand point: you’ll give a set afternoon if he does as well. And here’s the leveraging point - Your Church has a pastor now. “Yes, dh - you were there holding things together in our churches hour of need - but that need has passed. We have Mr. New Pastor.” Honestly, to my way of thinking, the new pastor might even be happy if dh stepped back for a bit. Give him some time to make the flock his own instead of having the daunting shadow of the golden boy hero hanging over him while he’s trying to get ahold of things. Tell dh he’d be doing the pastor a favor by stepping off and limiting his churching to Sunday service.
And then - dh would have some freed up time to spend with his- HIS mother. How about Sunday afternoon after church?
Maybe even tell dh that it would only be for a little while - until this mess with his mother stabilizes without SILs being there to help.
Hahahaha! Stabilizes? Okay, sure. Why not? Hahahahha...
But I wouldn't have ARRANGED it. And I fail to see how, unless they are in a dual control vehicle, SIL's presence in the passenger seat adds anything except ballast. What - "mind that house!"?
What does MIL's ophthalmologist have to say about this, I wonder?
On the DH point: it's ironic, because I still want to punch him in the head for it, but my brother's attitude does help me to get where DH might be coming from, possibly. My mother adored Brother. And *technically* he loved her, too. In his way. I'm sure he did. But for him, for whatever reason, spending social time in the same room appeared to be torment. His excuses for being unable to visit or call ranged from pressure of work to being away to, quite literally, watching paint dry. If there was a problem to fix - camera, computer - he was fine. But ask him to lunch, or expect him to have an actual conversation - you'd have thought he'd been invited to sit in a fire pit.
Oh dear, I long more than ever to strangle him now I think about it...
But. Whatever is going on in their fat little heads, we don't need to know why, we just need, maybe, to see *that* they cannot stand being the centre of their mother's attention. They hate it and they are no good at it.
It's almost nothing personal.
I don't think H is going to agree to spend a set amount of time with his mother each week. He doesn't like being around her very much. Hasn't he made that very clear? There will always be working/churching/hunting excuses. She is a tiresome old lady, and he thinks it's women's work (YOURS, Dorker) to satisfy her socialization needs. He probably doesn't even realize that she HAS socialization needs.
Sometimes your descriptions of MIL really remind me of my own mother. My mother is poky slow, also, can hardly walk, and uses outings to the store as social outings. No thought at all to MY time that is taken up with these coupon scavenger hunts. It is sad. But I refuse to tie up my time further to take her to see friends at the mall where she used to walk, out to malls, etc. My mother could ask these "friends" if they could come and get her once in a while. She refuses. (And now she won't be going to church with her friend anymore, so that's going to be on me every week, too.) I don't like to be around her very much. Just a few days ago, she told me that I didn't know anything and that I'm a "joke." When I said that she could get someone ELSE to drive her around, she said I would pay for that. I said I would NOT, and then she started talking about how she could change the trust with a phone call (to cut me out, I presume). Right now the trust is divided four ways (me and my three brothers). If she were to cut me out, that would be the end of any contact with her.
SHE is the only one who can gripe, bit** and moan. *I* am not allowed to have a bad day. She does NOT understand her medical issues, and it's very frustrating when she ignores what I tell her. Of course, there's a good chance she doesn't understand/process it.
So on Monday, I haul her to her doctor for a regular appointment. I sit in the waiting area, as I am no longer allowed back into the examining room. The last time I was allowed back was just over a year ago, when the doctor asked me if I thought my mother should be living alone. She also said that my mother needs socialization (yeah, duh), and that someone needs to check up with her daily to see what she needs.
I saw that as calling my mother daily to get my slave orders, and so just looked at the doctor and didn't reply. I told my mother what the doctor said, and my mother said that she calls people on the phone. And then was angry that the medical professionals talk to me and not her, and then the forbidding to go back to the examining room with her anymore.
I've just venting here....(sorry, Dorker, not trying to hijack your thread). Sometimes your mother reminds me SO much of my mother. I deeply resent that *I* am expected to do things for her and listen to her rantings, while there are no expectations of my brothers. I also resent that she has told me that I don't do much at all. One of my brothers hasn't even been down to see her for 14 months now. My mother accepts his "too busy" excuse.
And yes, DD's statement that she and her husband both see it that SIL is shirking her responsibility as a daughter. On that topic .. DD does see it that her dad could re-prioritize some of his commitments, and SHOULD DO SO. She has said so. I don't know if she's said it to him .. but she has commiserated with me on the topic. No, it's not and shouldn't be solely on SIL .. I agree with that. In a perfect world, the two of them would get together and form a comprehensive plan .. one that is fluid enough to address and modify as you go forward as to what occurs in real time on this front. That, as we all know doesn't happen. Nah .. too easy to leave it all open ended with a big wide swath of "life isn't like that, you can't put things in nice little compartments and nice and tidy of who/what/where/when/how .. doesn't work that way". And then sling mud at each other when the who/what/where/when/how doesn't get met.
No . the truth of the matter is ... I DO have more time to address that need, and I did for a long long time. That is the truth. I DO have more time than DH does . that's a fact (some of DH's time could be and should be re-arranged to suit this agenda .. but that's not gonna happen).
The problem then becomes, .. where we are at present with the whole setting. Just how much should be heaped upon Dorker as to the need, the incesssant never ending, superfluous and ridiculous at times, need. And why? Simply because Dorker has "more time". Well so does SIL .. she is retired! I'M NOT. I still help support DH's business (background noise such as permitting, licensing requirements, CE requirements, insurances that have to be forwarded out, bookkeeping ... so forth). That takes up some of my time, .. I do the little do nothing p/t job that I enjoy .. I help with my grandkids, maintain this household .. and I have my own parents that I must be a part of their lives .. and I have my functions at church that I partake in.
Who gets to decide how much of Dorker's world gets upended by the incessant, never ending superfluous and sometimes ridiculous need on the MIL front ..
I say, I GET TO DECIDE THAT. Just because I have "more time" is not justification, in my mind, that it gets heaped onto me .. all defaults to me.
I'm not going to get into the business of laying down gamuts of "either or". Either you commit to a block of time and set it in stone ... and I'll do likewise .. or we don't, either of us do so.
That sets up .. failure .. when something else becomes more important .. and I questio the validity of that, whatever it is, being more important.
****Hunting season has not ended here .. it is now open season on turkeys****
The effort to get him to commit to a block of time has been tried, by me. Not in an "either or" fashion, but I've strived .. in the past ..... "DH go out and spend the night with your mom .. I don't know every other Friday .. whatever .. a work night, doesn't matter .. she's lonely ... just commit to doing that .. for no reason .. just other than to give her some company". Nope .. that gets looked at, like I'd asked him to go wallpaper the back half of the house. Have suggested, "DH cut out of here in the morning sometime .......... grab your coffee on the way out, go out there and sit with your mom and have a bowl of cereal with her, just visit a bit .. and then go on with your day, I'm sure she'd appreciate the company". That too, .. he'd rather watch grass grow I guess. I have suggested, ... "DH .. why don't you set it in stone, that every other Sunday - directly after church - it belongs to your mom .. you go take her to lunch, I'll go with you if you want .. or not ... just set it in stone that it belongs to your mom .. that particular block of time on Sundays". That gets met with . "I can't do that, I have Elder meetings, . I have hunting season .. I have ....".
In other words, none of it happens.
I long since quit asking. And won't be asking any more.
But I will remind him, should the explosion occur that he is pushing that I step up to more than I'm willing to do, as those explosions periodically flare up.
I did see a bit of a deer in the headlights look the other day from DH. Informed him that I have a meeting with SIL on Tuesday and that I would be putting forth with her some new parameters as to my part in all of this .. that I may offer .. if she so desires .. to have one morning a week .. to pick up things for her, or go visit ... I haven't decided yet .. but that there would be some real tight parameters around what I'm willing/able to be a part of going forward.
(((I don't talk about it much with him .. it doesn't prove productive)))
I went on to say that one morning a week is not gonna suffice and I know that, but that I don't intend to ever step back into the role of the one that satisfies the long littany of list of needs, and I don't know how that gets met, but it's not gonna be on me any longer solely. As example, citing to him, pet need .. that's off my radar and will be made clear to SIL .. I will not be taking the dog for groomer appts .. and the like .. she can get a dog groomer to come to her driveway .... he responded, "isn't that more expensive". I responded "yep it is, not my problem". As I walked away .. or maybe that's something that gets put in your column DH .. she sets all dog grooming for Saturdays only .. and you can pick up that torch.
As I walked away ... didn't hear any response, .. but I"m sure that fell on him like a load of bricks.
I'm sure he is perceptive enough to know, while he'd of liked to have offered up some pushback on that little slice of a listed need .. oh would he have liked to .. we are on the topic at the moment of all the incessant, over the top need, and the fact that I am expected to engage .. for him to have balked and pushed back .. he had to know, at the very least, not the time and place for that! No pushback. I just walked away.
*****
Sometime before Tuesday I need to sit down .. and make a list .. as one might would find in a business meeting .. a list of what is to be addressed in all that is MIL living alone .. and give that to SIL when she arrives here.
I don't intend t fill in any columns .. just a list .. a mile long list of all that crops up in the setting of committing to continue with status quo, MIL living alone.
I hate to be so "business like" in sitting to talk with her, but maybe some of it will make more of an impact if seen in black and white ..??.. I really don't know.
I need to sit down and make another list .. I have one started already .. rudimentary .. needs to be fine tuned .. of all the varying things we get called to the front for .. in her absence.
Was just thinking last night, .. why we keep landing in this spot. I mean .. I remember back in October .. DD talking of how MIL had called her .. and with the drama she is so good at, announcing that a plan was in the works, that SIL on the other end, would be on the lookout for an AL .. on her end .. and that the works would begin .. that she would be moving to IL. Announced with the drama and flare that was set up to assure that there would be tears and gnashing of "oh no g'ma no .. how ever will I live in you leave .. no ..no that can't be". DD relating that to me, at the time. She was sure the story was being related to her, in a way that she was to now cry on Que.. and fall at the feet of the oh so important and can't live without her presence g'ma. Only DD isn't cut from that cloth, ..no proclivity for that kinda histrionic. In fact, .. that she'd responded to MIL . that she thinks that's best for her that she is aging and growing more needy .. and that no one here can meet that need .. it's probably for the best.
Probably not at all what MIL was looking for, in this proclamation that she laid out.
I was pondering last night, why we keep landing in this spot . when there are so many stops and starts in it all.
It was just a week before .. a week before this all shifted back to, "leaving MIL here" .. it was a mere week before that, DH had been out there .. for some reason (I think a grab bar to be installed, or a sprinkler head or leaking faucet, who knows). And her, MIL, lamenting to DH, "I just hate to have to leave my home here, .. I want to stay here, .. this is where I'm comfortable, it's set up perfectly for me here". DH responding to her, "I know mom, but it's just not safe, .. you are falling all the time, your needs are increasing .. ". Her responding, .. "I know .. I guess I'll just have to put it all in God's hands".
Only to, fast forward a week, and somehow, without even so much as a sit down to address all the need .. a command decision is made .. that status quo continues, she will remain here. **Until hurricane season (so it's said, I have little hope that will ever come to pass either), .. at which time SIL is to return to retrieve her mother from the line of fire here in hurricane season.
Why does it keep circling back to this.
I came to the conclusion that .. among other things .. SIL .. when she is here .. things run so smoothly for MIL. Meds on board and taken as rx'd .. and PT is seen to, .. doc appts addressed .. groceries brought into the home, dog need taken care of .. on and on and on it goes.
So .. yea ... easy for all to look at it and get an impression "well she does okay". Yes, she does okay, SIL is there propping up every angle that can possible crumble.
Then SIL goes away .. and it all begins to crumble.
So why isn't that the parties involved here .. why don't they see that?
As I've described about SIL .. she would breathe for her mother, if she could, she does everything else. It has been said about her, that she manages her's and her DH's world with a fine tooth comb also. Her husband is directed by her to go get dressed for the day and what to wear .. and at what time .. her husband is directed by her, as to what to eat ... and when .. (remember, her husband has some mental illness issues and is so medicated .. that he is a mere shell of a walking/living/breathing functioning human). She makes sure his meds are on board and taken .. she makes sure he has the "right" things as to nutrition, to eat (has diabetes). .. her husband is .. for the most part, directed by her .. as to most every move they make, and a willing participant in same. Their lives, .. if you could be a fly on the wall to it all, she is very much the orchestra director as to the goings on, daily/hourly/by the minute.
That's her "normal".
I would find that maddening, that I have a husband who would not think to go get his clothes on for the day .. unless told to do so. That I would have to direct him, "you know you already ate two oranges .. early .. you shouldn't have another .. remember, your diabetes . you can't do that", that I'd have to be the one to make sure that he eats properly, that he takes his meds, that he dresses for the day .. that he does almost anything that normal functioning folks do on their own without prompt.
But that's her world. I don't think she knows .. she's lived it for so long .. "ya know, there are people that actually manage their own nutrition .. they eat what they should and shouldn't without prompt by others .. they actually take their meds .. without someone prompting them to do so and hey GUESS WHAT . ya know what .. I know people that are married to someone that gets dressed for the day without being prompted, GO FIGURE ... who knew".
SO .. to her, living the life of having to prop up all that is MIL .............. it's quite normal. It's her normal as to her own life. That's what life is, to her. She isn't unhappy doing it, it's her life .. it's the way things are done, it's her normal.
So yea, while she's here, she's balancing 14 spinning plates in the air, at all times of the day and night as to the whole scene and while most of us would find that maddening .. and see in it, .. "hey this aint right, .. this is WAY Over the top as to this person being able to function". She doesn't .. she is even incapable of seeing that .. her normal is ... balance all those spinning plates at one time.
So yea, it wouldn't occur to her, I don't suppose .. until she is at home and now managing from afar .. particularly when she had Dorker at the ready as point person to send directives.
Since Dorker departed .. back about 10 months ago .. she's had two extended stays here to button down all that is MIL and her calamities and her world. One being when she was hospitalized for the UTI .. back in the summer. She was here for that one, about six weeks or so (longer than she's ever stayed) .. and she departed here .. to return to her home in IL .. where her husband had also suffered a minor stroke .. and was now going to be in need of transport and so forth .. as he worked to recover. She left here, in August .. and saw to that front .. and then returned in December .. for what was supposed to be just a xmas visit .. but MIL fell and was seriously injured .. necessitating the stay that is ongoing currently .. which is about 4 months.
So yea .. it kinda .. if you took a bird's eye view of the how .. and why .. why do we keep landing back at square one in all this.
Its' being helmed by someone that doesn't know that life aint supposed to be like this. It's being manned by someone that would literally breathe for those in her charge .. if that was possible she'd breathe for them too, she does everything else for them. And to her, that's normal.