I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
This is going to be one of those threads that we tell folks to go read so that they see how NOT to proceed.
Edit, I mean MIL, DH and SIL. Dorker's doing what she can to stop propping up the house of cards
Just life .............
SIL showed up a little after lunch time (she'd gone to get the auto serviced, MIL's .. I knew she had that to do first). Then here.
I asked her,
"So SIL, I'd like to hear your perception of how we arrived at the spot we're in these days, what's your perception of why I stepped back"
SIL: My perception ...???... I guess I just kinda thought, you were done with it all.
ME: Well, .. let me explain to you, . maybe you weren't listening .. this all began oh I'd say .. maybe a couple of years ago, and I began banging the drum .. that it's too much . her needs are increasing .. and we talked at that time, if you remember that you realize it .. and that you'd be coming in the summer .. and would maybe talk with her, begin to kinda persuade her, that she needs to spend time with you in IL. You were slate to come in the summer, .. and take her in September, .. do you recall that?".
SIL: "Yea I do ... but then she had that hospitalization for the UTI .. and she had to rehab for that, .. and then B was in IL and had his minor stroke (her husband) .. and so .. I had to leave to go tend to him, .. and MIL was in no shape to travel.
ME: Okay good, .. well .. if you remember, let's reflect back to when DD was heavily pregnant with twins .. and complications with her pregnancy and her told to rest, .. and that meant I'd need to pick up the slack where possible, with the 4 yo .. and ... I knew the twins arrival would be imminent and I said to you .. you specifically .. I can't keep doing this, .. we need more help here .. my world is fixing to turn .. .and I won't be able to be on the MIL front the way I have been, I dunno .. let's enlist the help of some of the neighbors who have been so kind to offer .. and .. those folks from our church who have offered. I even went to MIL with the same pleas ........... MIL's response .. "Now don't you send anybody from your church over here, I will manage .. I know what I need to do and I'll do it, I will manage ..", and you SIL, your response was, .. as it's been to a lot of what bugs me and we'll get to that .. your response "I know, she's just so stubborn .. I don't know what to do with her"
Me: Now put yourself in my shoes .. you're talking to someone who, in your absence here, has been in the trenches in all this for a very very long time, and rolled up my sleeves and got to work .. even before your dad passed ....... bear that in mind ... so when the very person that you were dependent on here locally as your eyes/ears to the ground on it all .. speaks up ............ repeatedly ......... but more specifically at the time DD was needing me .. and it hits a brick wall .......... what did you expect me to do.
ME: "What are your expectations of me?".
SIL: "So this is all about the time that DD was having the twins?".
ME: "No that was .. I would say the straw that broke the already stressed camel's back .. that was the crux of it, to cause me to turn and walk away from it all, everyone insistent that she can manage, .. everyone ignoring my pleas that I can't keep doing this, . so fine .. manage then ....I walked away . this goes back well before that, that's why I cited the September time frame. that you'd slated at one point in time, which was well before all this .. as a target point in trying to get her to return to your home in IL for a while .. that was well before this time, and that had been coming .. with all the stress of all there is to do for her"
Handed SIL the list .. 34 things listed there, between various docs that need to be seen, and not only once but multiple times in a year, .. groceries she can't consistently secure on her own .. due to her health impediments .. rx's .. on and on it goes, totaling up to 34 different scenarios and or doc visits/procedures , etc.
She sat and reviewed quietly, the list in front of her and responded, "yea this is a lot".
I said to her: "yes it's a lot, .. an awful lot for one lone soul to shoulder, specifically that one lone soul who has raised the red flag that it's not working any longer, her needs vs the support here to answer to it all"
SIL: I will say that I am sorry, I guess I wasn't listening .. ya know .. I try to come here as often as I possibly can .. and I really can't help it that life itself on my end, gets in the way .. I had to have that hernia surgery last winter .. and then B had his stroke over the summer, .. there are things that impede my ability to get here .. that's why I come here and when I come here I try to do all that I can so that it takes it off of you guys".
ME: "I have never faulted you with what you do .. you walk on water when you get here, and do everything but breathe for your mom, I've always said that ....... that's not where the breakdown is here, well it is in part .. but the bigger picture is that .. I cannot manage that list of needs there, .. need she can't adequately speak to on her own . and the even bigger picture is that I said so .. countless times .. and the response, it was pretty much a brick wall. That .. SIL ...............breeds anger and resentment, and that's where I was/am .......
SIL: "and she's not your mom . I realize that, not your responsibility .. I hope you know that I've always appreciated it, all you did for mom . she appreciated it ..".
ME: "Never doubted that, .. until ............ UNTIL ........ I began to speak up that there is more need here than manpower to support it, need help, made suggestion .......... and to no avail .. I did then began to feel used and taken advantage of, yes"
SIL: "So where are you today .. do you not want anything further to do with her?".
ME: "I love your mom, she has been good to me, and the best g'ma my kids could've ever asked for, she is personable .. she is someone who is very *accepting* of many different things .. unlike some of her generation .. (gay people, .. mixed marriage, foreigners, .. so forth) .. she has a lot of good character traits .. maybe that's partly why I was engaged as long as I was .. I don't mind being a part of her life going forward .. however with some pretty tight parameters/boundaries. It's a slippery slope I don't intend to go up again. I will ..let's say make myself available to her one morning a week .. in that though, in my mind, . inherit in that . is this ... I will presume her able to manage that she knows and can articulate her needs .. and so . if that's pick up rx's .. if that's pick up dog needs .. if that's pick up a few things from the grocery .. just visit .. a doc appointment, whatever. BUT what I won't do is then run the next day and the next and the next for add'l need. Speaking of which, what's going on with deploying the HHC ..... what's the plan to address the need.
SIL: "We met with the HHC .. and I haven't pulled the trigger on that and likely I won't right now, .. they want a deposit to be held of 3 months, that comes to just about $2k .. and then you pay them as you go monthly, they hold that deposit .. But in the b'ground I'm working the angle with the VA Aids and Attendants .. but ....... one has to actually show they are spending those dollars to qualify for that .. and ... if I take her to IL with me, then she won't qualify, the thinking there .. she has support, thus she won't qualify .. it's all so up in the air. I do intend to come back .. June ..???... I really don't know, that kinda hinges on what my son does .. as to coming here from Abu Dhabi . and he wont' know . until he gets orders whether he can even come here, they may have to move and not come here for vacation .. but if he can .. he wants to come here for vacation ...
SIL: Further, this pinched nerve that B is suffering with .. and getting PT . they've told him at the doctor that if the PT doesn't help it, they'll need to do more investigation .. and so we're dealing with that, and he's fallen a couple of times, .. he fell at home and banged up his elbow before he came here, he fell in the airport when he arrived here . and so .. worried about that (her husband is 74) ...... and so ...... I just don't know . I mean if we initiate the HHC and then suspend it because we're going to IL .. or what does that do .. as far as VA Aids and Attendants .. I really don't know.
She goes on to say: But in the meantime ... her neighbor "C" has asked, can't she please take MIL to the grocery store .. that she doesn't mind, .. thinks the world of mom and can't she please help her, and that's a way she can help . she'll take her to the grocery store ......
ME interjecting: "And there's grocery delivery and that has met opposition from your mom, time and time again".
SIL: "I think she just has this fear.. about people coming and going into her home".
ME: "I was in a chat session with the outfit that runs that program . and they do extensive b'ground checks on applicants . only 8% of those who apply actually get hired"
SIL: "That's good to know.
SIL goes on: "I know that mom is talking with a couple of the drivers for the MOW's .. she happens to know then from her days when she worked at the local college years ago .. those were college kids when she knew them and now they are grown and retired like me .. and she happens to know them . and I know she is talking with them .. as to whether they'd be willing to come and help her .. and get her to different things.
SIL goes on: "I know she has finally caved in and let me get it arranged where the yard guy can enter and not have to go out to that gate .. lessening her risk of fall .. and I know we have it set up now that the neighbor across the street .. that guy ... he'll come over on the nite before garbage goes out and at least pull her can out of her garage and onto her driveway .. rather than her struggling with a walker and a huge garbage can".
ME: "and the fact she doesn't take her meds when you're no longer her to oversee that? The fact that she gets sick and no one to attend to her when she's sick and/or pick up supplies for her, . and take her to the doctor .. what have you done to see to any of that, and we'll get to the dog aspect of it all, in a minute".
SIL: "ya know she's doing so well with her meds, she puts them all in the organizer herself .. and she is seeing .. she's seeing what a difference the Lasix make, that her swelling is so much better .. I think that MOHS thing really helped w/that, .. she had a real clear understanding during all of that, the swelling will complicate things as to that procedure so you have to keep the swelling at bay and so she saw how that improved things as to the swelling .. and so .. she maybe has realized that .. and she's doing so much better w/that .... she takes her pills without reminder from me, . she puts them in the organizer thing on her own . ".
To that SIL looked at me, with a frown on my face, and a response of: "Are you going to expect me to believe that will continue in your absence?".
SIL: "Well all I can tell you is that she really is doing so much better with it, and I'm letting her do it .. I don't hound her .. on purpose . I sit back and let her do it .. and she does it .. without me hounding her, and I think she's really motivated at this point seeing what a difference it makes .. I mean .. I can't help what happens when I'm not here, . . if she doesn't follow through . she very well could slip up on it".
ME: "Do you not see the difference of how well she does when supported by your car around the clock .. vs what happens in your absence .. do you not see that".
SIL: No, I know .. I mean .. when I'm here I do a lot for her, ..I get up and let the dog in and out and I do the cooking .. and the groceries .. she does .. she does do better .. that's for sure .. I mean .. it's going to be a matter that she is with us full time, I just can't take her with me, not at this point .. I have my son coming . I hope .. and I have to help my daughter move . and then dog sit for her.. "
SIL: I do intend to come back and get her before the hurricane season .. and we'll just do six months there, six months here .. and she'll be with us f/t.
ME: "..........and what are you plans when that time comes and there are tears and sadness .. and she doesn't want to go".
SIL: "BOY SHE DOES NOT WANT TO LEAVE HER HOME .. everything to her, .. all of her things .. they all have a story ......... I mean .. I don't quite get that . if someone came into my home, .. they could take anything they want, my "stuff" doesn't have a story ... but to her, .. I mean, I asked her, why are you so attached to your "stuff" and she said, .. it's because she grew up so impoverished and had nothing. But yea .. she knows that we're going to my home .. when I come back .. and she realizes that .... ".
ME: ".............and what's to say there won't be another malady befall the whole thing and once again .. she isn't up for traveling, then what?".
SIL: "I don't know, that could happen .. I can't prevent it, that's for sure".
ME: "speaking of hurricanes .. what was that all about, that I supposedly hurt her so deeply .. when she sheltered here .... that she'll never come here again"
SIL: "Ya know I don't really know, she just says that you .. you made her feel like .. you made it obvious that you don't want her here .. and she felt like she wasn't welcome, I don't know just a feeling that you didn't want her here ...??....not sure, do you recall anything in particular that went on".
ME: "I can recall being a bit short with her, when she decided she was packed and ready to go home . and her son had already told her that he's not taking her home, there is no power at her home .. and she came to me, asking that I take her home and I responded to her, that her son already told her, he's not taking her home, she has no power ........... and she said she doesn't care what he says .. she's weathered storms all her life and she will be fine, she's ready to go home .. I told her no........ take it up with her son, not doing it. Maybe that made her feel I was rude, I don't know. Maybe the fact that I didn't dote on her and follow around her every move . but you have to understand by that point I'd had the whole "I will manage" thing rammed up my backside enough, my sentiment was "so manage then", so no I didn't dote on her and follow her every move .. maybe that was it .. and no .. you know I didn't want her here, I was on the phone with you, planning a plane fare outta here for her .. ".
SIL: "Well ya know, we should've planned all that better, for an 88 year old to be told they'll be on a plane out of here the next day . I mean . you might as well tell me, I'm gonna get on a rocket to Mars .. that's a lot for her to have to digest .. she doesn't change gears that easily at this age'.
Me: "In any event, good you guys have a plan going forward to assure she won't have to weather that kinda setting again .. it's not a safe one for her, .. no power, cords stretched everywhere from the generator roaring outside .. hot/humid, she can't care for her dog here, barely care for herself . and I'm no princess to be around, readily admit that".
((((BTW .............. later DH came in . and that topic came up again, in his presence, he'd not been here prior . and so he was asked, by me, .. can you dial down a little more any on what this whole hurricane thing was about. He responded that she said something about my having turned the a/c down and she was freezing .. and that I kept going outside .. and yet I had it freezing in here"
At that I shot back, "we had no power, when did I have the a/c freezing in here .. that first night we retrieved her and brought her here .. yes .. we had power til about 1 or so in the morning, but then we didn't have power for the a/c for days and days .. finally yes, it did come back on .. but her power not on yet in her neighborhood .. so is that when she is referring to ..?".
DH: "I don't know.. don't shoot the messenger, you asked me .. I don't know".
(((Readily raises hand that I have battles with others over the thermostat here .. my mom also being one .. she freezes when she comes to my house ... I like it cooler than maybe others do)))
My response to above: "It's always difficult to find a comfort level when staying with someone else .. I guess that's the case here .. that's why there are sweaters and blankets ... I can't take off enough to be cooler .. but you can certainly put on more to be warmer".
Subject changed after that.
The above was only interjected much later .. much later when DH came in .. he hadn't been here for most of the conversation.
SIL admits that her mom can be a PITA .. and that she doesn't know herself whether she can do this .. bring her into her home and do f/t with her, .. and that she should've .. the mother .. sat up and taken notice and that they should've pushed it, her and her brother .. when I said it's too much .. and that she can't just demand everything be her way .. the mother .. that she has to realize . it takes a community to support her needs .. and that she will work on her mom .. that I'd offered some of our church folks and that had been flat out refused .. she said she would talk to her mom about it.
I told her that I don't want to be looped into her texts any further .. as to instruction on DH .. and what he's to do there in the way of home repairs .. that it causes friction in my world, I have enough to nag him about, outside of issues that aren't my horse to pull.
SIL: "So you want me to not ask you about it, . you want me to just communicate with him?".
ME: "Yes .. please .. if you've tried to reach him .. and you can't get him, then you talk with him about how you can't get him and feel he is less than responsive .. and you two work it out, no longer in the biz of reminding him".
SIL: "Speaking of him, I feel like he's just not attentive enough to mom .. I mean .. she talks about she's already lost one son .. that one son doesn't even speak to her, and that this son, (DH) .. that he comes to fix things but he breezes in there, fixes whatever and is gone again .. he doesn't spend any time with her, .. do you know, I mean does he just not like being around her, what's that about".
ME: If you had any idea how much I've harped at him to go spend the night with her, for no reason .. just go spend time with her... go have coffee with her in the morning before work, .. go see her on Sundays .. after church .. go have lunch with her, but it doesn't happen.. I've quit harping .......... I don't suggest it any longer".
SIL: "I hate to have to say anything to him, I know he works hard and he's so busy .. I mean .. why can't he put aside some of his church stuff, . I mean. it's honorable and all that .. but .. why can't he put some of that aside, . to spend time with mom, I guess I'm going to have to maybe talk with him that I expect him to be more available to mom,.. Hate to have to do it"
ME: "Maybe he will "hear" it coming from someone besides me, that's between you two, I'm not harping anymore at him".
ME: And on the pet front .. you're going to need to find that answered elsewhere .. I want you to know that I'm not at that stage in my life right now.. I don't want pet responsibility . not my own, nor anyone else's .. and let's remember . your mom had a perfectly healthy pet gassed at about my age .. simply because she was done being responsible to pets/kids, etc. I'm about there myself. I won't go gas her dog .. but I also won't be responsible for that dog .. that's her dog . and she needs to see to the dog's needs/wants . not me .. however that looks, but take me off that page".
SIL: Shaking her head in dismay: "what will happen when that dog dies . if he goes first .. I guess she'll drop dead right there on the spot".
ME: "SIL .. ya know, when her dog was so sick and her working herself to death and making herself sick ............. there is a huge divide here in philosophy on pets .. to her, her dog is the air she breathes .. her child almost . ............ to me, a dog is a dog .. she wouldn't quarantine the dog, she wouldn't put the dog outside .. and I just .. I just can't be a part of all that .. it's not who I am . it's not what I live . and so .. just .. better for all involved if that's not in my realm of things to address any longer".
SIL acknowledged what I was saying.
(much more conversation that was ongoing, this was 4 hours worth) .. all sufficing to say that I kinda aired out my beefs with it all, along with setting some parameters as t further participation.
What's my general feeling about the whole thing.
I can say that SIL seems very tired/frazzled, .. she truly does. I don't doubt she is.
I do think, (maybe it's just my perception I don't know) .. I do get a sense there was some disappointment there in her .. I don't think she came her at all guns blazing .. and threats at the ready (that's not her)...........but I think she somehow (????, how could she) .. expecting that I wouldn't set some firm parameters around what my involvement will be going forward. I kinda got the sense there was some disappointment in her . in my approach.
Don't care, really.
I'm sorry for her .............. but that doesn't change my approach going forward, at all.
As I told her, .. "you know your mom can also go to AL somewhere .. that's always an option that can be persued ..".
SIL: "Oh I know, that's where this is all headed .. if she doesn't pass first . .. and she knows it, .. I mean. she's my mom and I love her dearly and I will do whatever I can, as long as I can for her, .. and ya know .. some of all this is allowing her the dignity to chart her own course .. hell I wouldn't like it if someone took that away from me .. she is .. I mean at her core ... she's seemingly had a VERY VERY VERY HARD TIME accepting that she's old and what that should look like .. I mean .. she was telling the PT guy the other day, her words "ya know, I wasn't going to get old, that wasn't gonna happen to me, and then just suddenly this happened and I'm on a walker". I had to correct her, .. "No mom .. no this wasn't suddenly this has been ongoing". She just .. I think she's been in denial or something ......... I don't know ...........I do think she is accepting it more nowadays .. I mean . she is reaching out herself for the drivers of those MOW deliveries, to see if they can be of service to help her in some cases .. I think she is seeing now. that she can't manage .. she needs help .. but she's just so fierecly independent .. and she is such a fighter .. maybe that fight is what has kept her alive all this time, I don't know .. she says all the time that she's not supposed to be here anymore .. she doesn't know why she's still here.
ME (laughing): "Because God is trying to show her, that even in old age .. you have to learn the world doesn't revolve around you and your whims and wants".
SIL (laughing): "that's good, I'll have to tell her that.
So .. in the end . at least I got out what I wanted to say ...
And I also made it clear that going forward, it won't look like it did in the past.
Now, to hold that line .. and hold it firm, going forward.
I think you did a fine job. You covered your bases and said your piece. Nobody was killed and I hope you feel that a load is off your chest, at least getting to say what you have been waiting too for so long. While there is no magic happy ending and total plan polished off today.....I can safely say you were not "scary mom" and acted like the lady your are.
My words on that: "DD if our relationship was predicated on dancing to the beat of an ever increasing drum, then what was the footing for that relationship anyway".
DD: True
Further, I hope she will talk to her brother (GOD KNOWS THE TWO OF THEM DON'T TALK and I DON'T HOLD OUT MUCH HOPE THEY WILL) . but I hope she does find the time and wherewithall to talk to him on her thoughts .. her mom's thoughts that she's shared with SIL .. that they don't find DH attentive enough. I hope she will.
I concur 1000%
But I've beat that drum til it's nothing but a pulp .. not doing it any longer.
Glad everyone survived the Sit Down.
Sounds like you got to voice your thoughts and set your boundaries.
I do expect and I’m sure you do too for SIL to become frantic after she returns home about something but confident you will stay strong.
I agree with your explanation of yours and SILs relationship. If it was as strong as it appeared to be in the past it will survive. All relationships evolve, change, adapt.
Well played Dorker!
It's interesting to listen to him talk ......
He agrees one million percent .. that the mom has been in denial ... deep deep dark denial.
I can sympathize with some of what he talks about, w/regard to it all ....
He talked of how she is .. I wish I could express just how much of a drama queen she is ..thru and thru. When I say she is that .......... multiply it ... she is that and then some, he talked of that. He said to me, "I just .. I don't have the stomach for it .. you go there and she begins with all her drama .............. she talks endlessly about our brother and that whole thing .. that has been talked and talked and talked .. and I don't have the patience for it anymore ..... there's nothing left to say .. we all agree he's an absolute chit for what he's done .. that's well established .. but it is what it is ..... and I mean .. she pulls out that card .. like my last visit with her, . she begins waxing and waning over that whole thing and actually says .. out loud ... "Do you think, if I wrote him one last time, and told him I need him ... do you think he would come". I told her "mom .. seriously ...........?!?!?!...............the last time he was around he was cruel and after 10 years of this .. you have got to accept he wants no part of your world, our world, .. none of it .. do you really WANT HIM HERE .... REALLY?!??!!? ............ I don't want him around ....... you gotta realize he's moved on, wants no part of any of this .. leave it at that .. ".
DH goes on to say to me, I just don't have the stomach to keep rehashing all this .. it's been 10 years .. I get it, that it's an awfully hard pill to swallow .. that he's gone forever .. I get that .... but it's been 10 years ......
He goes on to say .. I go out there to visit with her and she puts on her drama cape and then she begins to wax and wane over the whole, "This is not me, this is not what I'm about, going to doctors all the time, and tests and procedures and pills .. this is not what I'm about .. this is not me".
He says, he so badly just wants to jump up in anger almost and say to her "BUT IT IS WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT THESE DAYS GRASP SOME DAMN REALITY!". He says, I would never say that to her, in anger .. and act out that way, but it's just awfully hard to sit and listen to it every time I go see her.
He goes on to say ............ and she has an obvious bone to pick with me, with regard to church .. that's real apparent. His words: "I was out there the other day to install a grab bar .. and I came walking thru and she was sitting there talking to B .. and she said to him .. "Well I guess if I could get myself to that church of his ..maybe I'd be on the list there of the people he needs to see and attend to". I was walking thru and heard her saying that to B, and she shut up .. she didn't say anymore and I just ... as I passed by her, I said "I heard that", .. and I kept walking.
((No I didn't take that opportunity to also remind him that he does forsake his mom in a lot of cases, in lieu of church commitment and that he needs to sit up and listen .. not fighting a battle that's not mine to fight)))
Maybe if the parties that are germane to this whole thing care to approach and address that with him .. maybe he can "hear it" coming from someone else. He hasn't "heard it", when I've tried to say it. If they don't care to "talk" to him about it, and I doubt they will, nobody talks to anybody .. then so be it .. the mother can go on feeling she is in competition with DH's church (something SIL and I talked about yesterday, .. that she does feel like she's in competition with his church) .. she can go on feeling that way .. and SIL an go on agreeing with that, .. or they can table it and work out a plan .. but I'm no longer in that loop either. Not going to hound him about it .. I have enough, as his wife .. and our own "stuff" to nag him about.
Sadly, I do "see" what he is talking about .. that he almost has a "dread" in visiting with her any .. she is so filled with drama. It is hard to be around it for long.
Talked about that some with SIL yesterday and she said this: "Yea I guess I don't really sit and listen either, generally, I've got chit to do .... I'm on the move .. I am doing things .. and B .. he's great for that .. he sits and listens and interacts with her and asks her questions .. he's engaged .. he's the best at it .. the absolute best .......... but yes, .. I mean .. she wants to tell the same stories over and over (as all old folks will do) about her years growing up in so and so ......... and the train tracks there and watching her daddy ride by .. steering that train .. and how hard scrabble their life was .. and so on .. yes .. she does that.
I told SIL .......... "that ship has sailed at this point, but there was a time that I was on the harping of getting some kinda social outlet for her, something else she refused .. forever .. go to a senior center where there are crafts and exercise classes and camaraderie .. a social outlet .. so your world doesn't just exist in what life was 80 years ago .. get involved with a church group, a neighborhood card group .. something/anything, .. she refused .. adamantly refused ... as a result, she's all but a shut in at this point in her life with little to no outlet as to socialization .. yet another need that falls in our lap, in your absence here .. of the many many many needs ...
I do have the sense .. after reflection on yesterday's conversation with SIL .. I get the very real sense that .. there was a sadness, almost a recognition in SIL that the gig is up ... she can no longer .. waltz away .. and sing her song and dance that her mom will manage .. and the song and dance of "I know she's so stubborn, what are we gonna do with her". I get the sense, that there is a realization in her, that window is closing .. rapidly .. that there was a time, when she could put off the inevitable and sell her song and dance .. and waltz away to her life in IL. Kind of a sadness in SIL .. the realization this reality is going to have to be faced, head-on, in the absence of the absolute over the top support it takes to remain status quo here .. and my having laid some firmer boundaries/parameters as to what my participation will be and on what topics ..
I don't think SIL was ever malicious in her angle to keep leaving her mom here .. I think it was truly a matter that she doesn't want to sadden her mom in her waning days .. wants to allow her mom the latitude and dignity to chart her own course .. and that it worked for a long long time .. to give that latitude .. but that window is closing and the reality is .. that the mom is going to have to be made sad .. and angry and bewildered and all that comes with it .. in uprooting her ...
She, I think, seems almost bewildered herself, in the acknowledging that she doesn't even know if she can weather housing her f/t .. and caring for her.. that too fraught with it's own set of issues .. as she vocalizes worries there in that setting.
All I can think ..... what a supreme waste of time/energies .. she should've, and DH should've .. they should've all been .. not a party to this river of Denial that MIL has been enjoying the view of ....... and been on the page of getting to the nuts and bolts of all this and getting some things set in motion.
I sympathize with her plight .. I do . in her worry that she doesn't even know if she can do the above .. but that's for her to figure out .. not me .. and she can certainly take the road of figuring out how to open doors to AL's .. with her mom's financial situation .. she could've focused her energies there .. rather than allowing her mom to cruise up and down the river of denial with it's beautiful views.
((FWIW .. the daughter to SIL works in the medical field and knows LOADS of physicians and it's said by SIL, that she knows physicians that can pave the way - up there .. in IL . as to placement in AL)))
The mom might be the Queen of the River of Denial .. and they allowed it.
But I'm the Queen of ruminating and festering and so forth .. and I have to work past that.
As DD said .. "well mom .. you got out what you wanted to say and you laid out some boundaries .. and so now you have to work to move past it and forgive them for not listening to you .. and then .. move on past all this".
Very true.
It will be a work in progress. As another put it here .. yes .. I'm aware .. SIL will go away next week and in no time she will be gnashing her teeth and wringing her hands over whatever the next issue du jour is ............. and my job is going to be to no longer ruminate in it, but to remind her that I had spoken up that I will visit MIL on 1 morning a week .. and outside of that, the rest of it is up to them. And stick to that! Not climb that slippery slope of propping up her view on the River of Denial. But also not living my life with the anguish of all that is, this whole mess.
It will be a work in progress .. it's not like this talking to SIL yesterday tied up loose ends, and things are now packaged in a nice little box of compartments as to the going forward in it all. It isn't.
So it's going to rear it's ugly head again .. time and time again, I suspect.
And I kinda live in a space .. having lived it .. that hurricane season will come and go, MIL firmly entrenched in her house .. with all her "stuff" that has a story behind it ... she's not going anywhere .. and that River of Denial .. with it's beautiful view .. still her world .. very much so .. and SIL still gnashing teeth and wringing hands from afar.
I don't hold out much hope it will change .. truly. I think SIL had to recognize and acknowledge what was put before her, in conversation .. but actually acting on it .. nah .. I don't think there will be any action. Truly don't.
A few moments of extreme discomfort by doing the right thing beats years of extreme discomfort by doing the easy thing.
He would also tell you that has been met with defiant resistance .. on her part.
And I know the above to be true.
He hasn't hammered it home .. as maybe he should've .. he hasn't hammered that point each and every time she then opens that drawer to the whole dialogue on "this isn't me, this isn't what I'm about" .. I think he does all he can to just weather her words, all while seething, rather than keep hammering, "NO MOM this is what you are about, accept it, now we will help you but you gotta help us to do that, by accepting it". Maybe that should be his response each and everytime that dialogue begins .. he hasn't done that.
But he has faced her with the above .. and it has met defiance on her part. And her responding with something akin to, "I'm not going to sit here and let you all treat me like I don't have a damn brain in my head ... I'm not going to let you all do my thinking for me, I know what I need to do and I will do it, I will manage here".
That kind thing has gone gone .. as he has approached .. a few times, countering her insistence that this isn't what she's about.
You handled this so well - calmly, rationally, with kindness and love. You obviously are a good listener. If you and SIL were able to talk for four hours - i think it says how you listen, speak calmly, and that SIL obviously trusts and loves you. She got alot off her chest too and acknowledges some things that she didn't really want to see. Yes, things have not really changed, but awareness is the first step.
And your DH unburdening himself to you - says worlds about the trust he has in you and how good a listener you obviously are. You really impress me.
Where from here? MIL sounds like a passive aggressive drama queen - taking the pot shot at DH about his church. Perhaps DH is setting boundaries with her too. Let him. He too is helping her - just not as much help as will be needed when SIL leaves and the mountain of needs is obvious.
MIL needs assisted living - if SIL is not here to bandage everything, your DH is setting his own boundaries - you are one morning a week - it will collapse quickly. MIL's needs and drama should not mean that you and DH give up your lives and interests.
all in all - well done Dorker!!! Your relationships are good. The elephant in the room has been looked at by all. Now time will tell and events will probably force the issue - the next fall or hospitalization.
She texted (always texting) ...
Her words: So glad we got to talk yesterday. I feel like I have a better understanding of your feelings and where you're coming from and I hope you feel the same. I did talk to mom some about what we discussed. She's feeling hurt and disappointment, especially about her experience at your house - but hopefully the two of you can just let love guide the way by trying to understand one another's feelings, forgive one another, and men things and be able to go forward.
She goes on to say: "Oh btw, .. she now seems more receptive to meeting those church folks you have guys have talked about who have that ministry of helping the elderly like her. She now realizes we need more resources .. whether it's from strangers, "the HHC" program .. or the ones from your church who are actually better than strangers, since you guys know them .. and they don't have to be paid, it's a ministry of theirs .. they just do it out of the goodness of their hearts".
My response to her: "Yes enjoyed spending some time with you, absent distractions of the beat of the drum of incessant need. I do and always have had a clear read on your stance in it all. I will be sitting down to talk with her on some of it. It's unfortunate and I will express that to her .. that her absolutely staunch refusal to ever entertain any notion of going to IL to visit you for any period of time .. then negated out ability to plan accordingly as to that specific issue .. But I'm glad to hear there is a plan going forward and a willingness on her part to look at that more realistically. Hopefully yes, some mending can go forward once I talk with her. And I can be a part of her life again (but with limitation). We will see.
Her response to above: "that sounds good Dorker. Dorker, I love you, mom does too, and we both have always so appreciated all that you've done for her. Her aging process has not been a graceful one and she's fought it every inch of the way but maybe now she is more accepting. In her heart she doesn't want to be a burden .. not emotional .. not financial lto any of us. She's always been so helpful to all of us and been there for us and is more comfortable in that role. She doesn't much like being the one in need. I keep saying to her, "help us to help you".
ME: Nor would any of us wantn to be in that spot. But she has to continue to help us .. that's her role .. she can help all of us by not being a stubborn ole cuss and working with us as to our trying to help her. SIL, I remember when she was hospitalized for the UTI .. and I was there .. and she'd bitched and moaned and complained so about the bed alarm... that they wouldn't let her get out of bed unless accompanied. They brought in at team of PT to assess all that .. and it was found that she indeed does need to be accompanied and she will yes, have to use walker, 100% of the time. She was livid, and said to me .. "these people can make all the recommendations they want .. but when I get home I will do as I damn well please". SIL, I said to her, .. ya know ... these people don't care, it's no skin off their nose if you fall .. and get hurt. It's about keeping you as safe as can be possibly done .. and not landing you back in this place you so despise .. as you age and you need more support,.. you have to also evolve and move with that change .. as the folks that help support your needs . it's paramount to all of us that you evolve and change as needed, .. as long as you live, whatever that looks like. SIL, that was met with defiance on her part, that she won't be treated like someone that doesn't have a brain. That she has a brain and she knows what she needs to do and she will do it, she will manage. Things like, .. don't tell us night after night that you ate a cracker and a grape for dinner, and then expect we aren't going to see in that, lack of ability to manage .. don't tell us .. as you proudly announce that you dug out your cane and you went to take the dog for a walk. Don't expect that isn't gonna send us, the support you need, into the stratosphere of worry .. and cause us to contemplate your lack of ability to manage appropriately for yourself and do ALL THAT YOU CAN to keep yourself safe .... As the folks who have worked to prop all this up the above and so much more, .. sends us into orbit with worry .. DO THE THINGS you need to do to help keep yourself as safe as can possibly be achieved, .. work WITH US willingly. THAT helps us.
SIL: "she's got a lot of pride, too much .. and sees herself as defying aging. Sees herself as youthful.. but she is reaching a point of acceptance and safety and well being have to come first. I've heard her say things like that too. I think a lot of times it's just venting and her inability to cope with getting old and her own anger at her predicament she's in with her mobility issues and needing to depend on others. It's gotta be hard, . we'll be there too one day.
ME: "Probably .. I'm sure it's not fun being her. But she needs to take some time and ponder .. really reflect on this. There was a day when her dad was taken out of his home, when he was aged and more needy .. and brought to her house and from there shuffled back and forth between she and a sister. I'm sure if he'd of had his druthers, he'd of rather been left on his own to manage. She needs to take some time to ponder the why's and wherefore's of the approach taken there. This isn't a bride that others haven't crossed .. not easy no .... I get that ..... but her reticence to even recognize any of it and meet the evolving process where it is... made that much harder for those in the capacity to prop it up, unnecessarily so ... Work to realize that THIS IS who you are now, THIS IS WHAT YOU ARE NOW .. and move with it. Sounds like she is turning a corner in the realization that she is now more receptive to additional help/resources, and that's GOLDEN .. I am pleased to hear that. I know it's not easy for her ... but it's also made that much harder when she refuses to accept the space her life is in at this point in time. It doesn't have to be that way.
I only impart all of this, to say that I don't mind having that dialogue with SIL .. (that's fine with me, .. we have always been able to talk thru struggles .. always). But .. I remain firmly entrenched in the space I wear in all this .. which is .. she needs a lot of support and the sooner she and SIL both get on that page, the better all will be for it.
This is a situation that just shouldn't be so darn fraught with danger and emotions. But it is what it is, one cranky, stubborn old woman tilting at windmills. We ALL get old and we ALL get somewhat incapacitated--I guess she doesn't see enough elderly people to see that. I am glad you hashed things out with SIL before she departs.
Stay firm. Hopefully, SIL and DH will come to some kind of terms about him not ignoring his mom. I know it's nearly impossible to get my DH to go visit his mother, as she is also of the "woe is me and my life" the whole entire time you talk to her. He just hates it so much. It wouldn't be the end of the world if he did "lose his temper" a little with MIL and actually say what he says to you. Sounds like she only responds to drama, anyway.
I hope life settles into a comfortable groove that you can live with. No great hopes, as MIL has not proven to be the least bit compliant in the past--but it's NOT on you anymore.
As far a looking fwd to hurricane season--everyday with MIL is a kind of hurricane season unto itself--why are people even THINKING that far ahead, when MIL hasn't been able to stay stable for 2 months w/o 24/7 care.
I, too, am a worrier and a fixer. Drives me CRAZY that I can't control, really, anything. Only my own reaction to situations and I don't do that very well.
Do try to forgive. With that fabulous memory, that will be hard, but you'll have more peace.
Stay strong. Don't cave and begin doggy duty-ing and wild goose chasing. Let DH actually step into his role.
Talk is cheap. SIL accepts that her mom needs much more help, but seems completely hamstrung by the inability to actually make a serious move. NOT YOUR PROBLEM.
My guess is that within a couple of weeks, MIL will have another health crisis. SIL won't be able to come down and so DH will have to step it up.
I guess, just day by day is the way to take it. Although it sounds like MIL is "starting" to "get it", it may just be far too late to corral that horse.
Proud of you, though, for being calm and strong. I imagine that 34 point paper was impressively scary for SIL :)
Best to you, going forward.
I really think you made progress. You said everything so well and stood strong. Seems like the list helped too.
It's obvious there is a lot of love between you all.
This may a turning point. I hope so! Hugs!!
I do think it was profound .. she pondered it as we sat silently for a little while, to give her time to review it and/or question it if she wanted to, and then she kept pulling it up as we continue our conversation and reviewing it more.
I know that she has walked the walk listed there, .. even more so than me, I don't clean gutters at MIL's house .. she does though . .. I don't plant new flowers and weed out flower beds in the spring .. she does though .. I don't take MIL's car in for servicing, .. she does though .. on her long list of things she sees to (those items weren't even on the list, because those are things I don't tend to, never have).
I am cautiously optimistic .. all while being guarded that any enthusiasm as to an approach of clearer understanding on their parts from where I stand in it all, also comes tempered with the fact that I will not .. I refuse .. to take a hike up that slippery slope again, ever.
I am encouraged that MIL apparently, on her own, .. at today's MOW delivery .. also reached out to the 2nd of two drivers that deliver said meals .. to see if that individual also might be of service for errands and/or whatever, and the answer was "yes".
I'm encouraged that she has agreed to allow the neighbor, "C", to take her grocery shopping. Haven't heard anymore as to whether MIL will entertain the notion of delivery service for same. But encouraging that she will allow a neighbor to engage in some of this. The reality is the neighbor in question here .. she is a 30 something yo . married .. no children .. and she and her husband are the most partying, travel out of town folks that I can think of. They are great people, wonderful/kind .. but .. the reality when the water hits the wheel, as to that being any real venue to resolve that issue .. it's not going to be anything really workable .. in the end. They go out of town at the drop of a hat .. just because they can. Good for them, I don't begrudge them that, at all. But they will soon learn .. that taking MIL to the grocery store, is not at all the endeavor you embark upon when doing so at the age of 30 something. It's quite a long process, with a socialization aspect. I don't expect that will be something "C" will want to routinely do. Maybe I'll be surprised to learn I'm wrong. That would be fine with me. But I don't expect the above to be real viable in the end. So .. default .. delivery SIL???....remember, we talked about that?
MIL appears to have reached a conclusion that those church folks DH has been hammering .. their ministry .. to assist old folks .. maybe it aint so bad afterall. That corner seems to have a little light, also shed on it. SIL reaching out to me, in further text, .. "maybe you and H could get together with those church folks and come and visit mother .. and she could meet them that way". My response of, "absolutely .. but pass this along to your brother to facilitate it".
(((If brother doesn't respond, I'm full on ready .. "that's between you two"))))
I am cautiously optimistic that at the very least .. there does seem to be some recognition and acknowledgement from that corner, that more resource are needed.
How much of that will answer to the need . in actuality .. and in what practical ways? I don't know and I won't be sorting thru it. Not mine to do. I will stand firm in what I offered, in that I will devote one morning a week . and hey I will even be flexible enough (though no one has asked) .......... but I will ...... if needed "Hey Dorker, I know you usually do Tuesday mornings with mom . but sounds like what she really needs this week ....... I think she's going to call you ........ she doesn't really need anything per se, but she does have a doctor appointment on Thursday morning .. can you just not come on Tuesday but pick up and take her on Thursday morning?".
Yes, I can be flexible enough to move with that kinda thing. I haven't said so . but I will do that, if need be. What I won't do is go on Tuesday in answer to need and again on Thursday for add'l need. That's what I've said all thru all of this .. she needs add'l help .. so get someone else to step up on Thursday, I was already there this week ... or reschedule it for a Tuesday and I'll be glad to accommodate.
I am glad that at least there is recognition of add'l need. How it works in the end, .. remains to be seen.
And .. I'm so cynical at this point, that I just picture SIL with her big hooray in the b'ground thinking the add'l engagement buys her another 2 years or so .. in keeping her mom . out of her home.
Whatever............
I like that you are realistic in that not much is going to change. HHC isn't going to be used, because of the expense. And if MIL goes to IL to live with SIL, there will be an issue getting Aid and Attendance. So...exactly what is going to change?
Like you said, the young neighbor is going to quickly tire of MIL's slowpoke trips through the grocery store. And the MOW drivers providing rides? Is MIL even capable of the executive functioning needed to make these arrangements? I don't think so.
H has now admitted he can't stand being around MIL to socialize because of the "drama." So there will be no changes there. And all this talk of churchfolk helping...just how reliable are these rides? And will they be giving rides to the dog groomer and picking up treats for Precious Pooch?
Has D committed to a schedule to help out MIL yet? If she hasn't, just how quickly are the churchfolk going to be to do so? And the bigger question is -- will MIL really let those churchfolk help her? She's refused in the past.
No, I don't see any traveling for MIL to IL this year. MIL will be here for hurricane season.
It will be interesting to see how this all plays out once SIL and BIL depart a week (one mere week!) from today!
The denial thing is big. The children don't want to face the reality of the parent weakening and going away. Passing away. The parent doesn't want to admit weakness either, and face the reality of life ending. This is all so difficult. It's a story that we all go through in one way or another and Dorker has stated this particular story so well.
Thank you Dorker. I am just touched by how you have kept sharing this with everyone in spite of how difficult it has been for you. Tuesday night, I thought I wouldn't be surprised to not see another comment. She must be exhausted. But people can really learn from this and it is really great of you to keep going with it. Thank you.
Yes the neighbor will soon grow weary of the whole 3 hour grocery excursion. That or the neighbor .. will be out of town a lot, as she is already .. a lot. Thus that need will be left hanging .. (delivery anyone?).
The MOW drivers that MIL has approached and "will they be available in the end?", is MIL capable of the Executive Level Function it will take to coordinate that? No .. and no .. is my assessment of it all, but I hope I'm wrong.
The church folks .. I suspect that will go the way of skilled nursing care that has been summoned to the home so often . and she will kick that too, to the curb .. finding the whole thing "just too much, I'm not up to having people come over", (as has been said of the OT/PT and RN brought in and her not wanting to deal with it and cancelling in the past).
Maybe I'm wrong .. I hope so.
But if nothing else .. there are some clearly articulated points made as to my stance in it all .. and so take it or leave it.
Next up ... I will need to step up in reaching out to MIL.
I can imagine that she is envisioning the long lost prodigal child that comes in, tail tucked between their legs and begging forgiveness for having turned my back on the queen .. and worse yet .. to have been .. (oh gasp) .. less than pleasing and congenial back during the hurricane.
I am searching for the words .. when I do speak to her. I don't feel sorry that I walked away .. that was done because there was too much need, it was all consuming .. and I couldn't keep doing it and said so . and was ignored .. good you guys are now reaching out for add'l help .. I'm all for it . sounds great .. go with that. No, no apologies in that .. for my horrid behavior at having walked away from it all.
I would imagine she is now .. envisioning that I will cry my eyes out and beg forgiveness .. "how could I have been so cruel and thoughtless .. that horrible hurricane and you so helpless, whatever was I thinking".
Nope. Not my sentiment. It's a tough time .. stressful for all .. and in my opinion .. you shouldn't even be in this state during hurricane season . sounds like you guys have a plan going forward as to making sure you're in IL for hurricane seasons upcoming (I doubt she will ever step foot out of her neighborhood, much less onto a plane to IL) .. yep .. that's a good plan .. pleased you both see that now.
Nope, no apology there either.
To apologize would infer that I find fault and would then correct something I did wrong, given the opportunity to do it again .. would do it differently. I wouldn't.
So .. that is going to be next on the radar .. my lowly self and subject to the queen's wrath for my deplorable behavior. As I then beg her to allow that I spend at least one paltry morning with her .. just that .. can I please .. I mean you are the great queen .. I must be given some token of your time ..
That's about how I see it is going to be seen by her. But .. great divide here on it. I don't see it that way at all.
What I'd like to say is "ya know everybody knows you are bat chit nuts ....... I just got tired of dealing with it, .. and I have the capability to turn and walk away . your kids don't, or 2 of the 3 .. you did have one walk away .. so .. straighten up and face the music you old bat, the world doesn't revolve around you and no I won't apologize .. I've done more for you in the umpteen years I've been all up in this mess than you deserve and keep it up and you can watch my backside again, departing the whole thing"
No I wouldn't say that, but I'd like to.
And of course you would never say it to her, but that is it, so honestly.
Yes MIL is and will be deemed capable of living solo by her children (still quite the bad decision) & with what concrete support? HHC dropped due to cost.
IMO you don’t have to go to MIL with your tail between your legs. I wouldn’t. It’s a small part of the mosaic here. Move on from that.
Did SIL discuss whether she got POA from her mother, finally?
I am unclear - what’s the plan going forward with MIL day to day? Did I hear one?
So now who is gonna wrestle with DH to get him on board? No committment yet from him.
I am happy you and SIL sat down to talk but still,
what’s next?
Don’t reiterate MIL’s hurricane issue as she probably forgot most of it.
Did you offer a morning a week?
Dorker has agreed to spend a few hours with MIL one morning a week (Tuesdays?). If MIL (that's MIL and not SIL) lets her know and asks, she will switch the morning if MIL has a dr. appt or something. But it's not an add-on morning for that week.
The rest of it is just that MIL "is open to" help from churchfolk/neighbors. She has spoken to one or two MOW drivers, which in SIL's eyes was huge. As soon as SIL departs the scene (less than a week away now), that will probably be the end of the "it takes a village" idea.
It doesn't seem that H and SIL have had a talk, and H has no intention of changing anything on his end.
Dorker has put one tiny part of her foot back into MIL's whirlpool of chaos and "need" (in quotes because most of it is "wants" and not needs). It will be difficult not to be dragged in more, but we will all be there holding her back! (MIL's "village" is nothing compared to OUR "village" for Dorker!)
I think you accomplished acknowledgement all around that MIL needs a village and you are not a village. SIL has been put on notice that you will not be gofer and fetcher and that she should not burn up your phone with texts - she can work on DH. DH is put on notice that you will not be picking up the "emergencies" - all of these small Chinese water-torture drips that SIL dreams up - won't be picking up the "for chrissakes, it's only.... I don't have time for this chit.....can't you just...." when DH gets annoyed that his phone is burned up with texts from SIL.
So much accomplished. Now for some work with MIL - I can imagine things will be a little tense with her on her throne expecting boot licking - kind of a passive aggressive old bat isn't she? If she asks - I would be honest "it's too much for one person - I couldn't do it anymore. I love you and want to help - here is what I can do - ask I explained to SIL. NO, I'm sorry I can't drop everything and get poochy the fancy dog treats. They do deliver - do you want me to help you set that up?"
Yes - no day to day has been put into place. If she is taking her meds on time - that will give her extra time before the fall or whatever makes this decision for her. If not - it will be a couple of weeks, she'll be in the hospital, SIL is done - has been here for three/four months, and Dorker's maid service is gone. THEN some hard decisions will have to be made.
Good luck - I'm impressed with how you have handled all of this.