I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
The next time we met neither of us referred to the conversation or its ending. I didn't even catch her looking at me funny.
Never apologise, never explain. Just carry on regardless. It'll be fine.
In the same way, I don't think that any "help" MIL receives will be accepted. "Can you believe that the kid I hired to walk Poochie let him off leash and wouldn't pay for his surgery when Poochie got run over by a car?" receives much better reactions/fuel for MIL than "I'm so tired of getting out my walker and taking Poochie out at night and falling in the bushes." One gets, "The kids these days!" and the other gets, "MIL, you shouldn't be doing that! Why do you still have a dog?"
Which would Narcissa prefer to hear? Back ups to her complaints. It gets better audience response.
So SIL having pointed that out, in a look at the shiny sparkly brand new MIL here .. not buying it, seen it before, and I told her so. SIL's response, "well she is doing so right now, I don't even remind her .. she does it on her own, she could certainly slip off that cliff when I leave .. I can't help that". Nor can I SIL ........... but I also won't be picking up the pieces of the fallout of same.
As to the POA .. I actually forgot to ask that question but I will.
The whole .. leave it to the side, the hurricane problem .. she's probably forgotten it. Not a chance. In fact, talking to DH last night, .. I wasn't aware until last night, he hadn't mentioned it .. there'd been a tense few moments between she and he over that whole thing when he was last there to install a grab bar for her, just the other day. I guess she'd been on that drama train that he so detests . and said to him, about going forward from here, "Now when I call you and I need you, I need you to come .. I want you to come" (and dripping in the drama of a poor hapless/helpless old lady who is ignored in total by her thoughtless azz of a son).
What he hears when she says that .. is that he never comes, the grab bars he's installed all over that house, how'd that get done. The privacy fence that broke, and somehow got repaired, . how'd that get done ... the toilets that clog .. and need unclogging .. how'd that get done, .. on and on .. the sprinkler heads that go wonky .. how'd those get repaired ... the times she's called him with the malaise of not feeling well and can you come ... and him picking up stakes at wherever he is, to do so ..
What he hears is a bunch of B/S in the above . .with all the drama attached to it.
He said he responded to her, "Mom I do the best I can .. when something breaks here, I do the best I can to get here and fix it for you .. and if you remember you've called me several times not feeling well, and I've dropped whatever is going on in my world, to come and check on you .. I'll do the best I can .. that's all I can tell you, but if I can't come right away .. you'll have to understand that".
So then, .. I guess the topic of the whole hurricane fiasco came up and how "hurt" she is and how she was so mistreated .. and that she will never go to his house again.
Sounds like he kinda handed her hat to her on that one. "Mom that, in truth .. that pizzes me off, .. you just sat right here telling me that I need to come .. that I need to come if you need me, and then you tell me you will never come to my house ever again ... that pizzes me off, and I don't wanna hear it, be careful what you say".
He said she then backtracked and apologized, "I shouldn't of said that, I apologize". She could tell, she'd irked his wrath on that one.
So .. not a chance in hades that one is gonna just drop and not be spoken of again.
I was talking with DH about it .. and told him, "I don't think she's going any damn where, .. I think she's telling her daughter what her daughter wants to hear, . but when the water hits the wheel.. she aint going nowhere!".
He said, "I agree she needs to not be here when hurricane season rolls around, so fine .. she refuses to leave .. she can sit out there in the dark .. no power .. windows that are old and don't open well .. so no ventilation .. fine have at it ...".
I said to him, "No way you would do that, ... you'd go out there and stay with her, .. to make sure she's safe". Him: "No I won't .. she can come over here .. or she can sit her azz out there on her own". (He was just sounding off, I don't think he would actually do that). I said to him: "That's precisely what needs to happen to someone being so ornery and stubborn .. so fine .. sit there and deal with it then ..". He agreed. But would he actually leave his feeble, ailing mother in that situation .. nope .. he wouldn't.
And in the b'ground of all that ... he has said .. he's one of those diehards (I know .. hard for you folks that don't live hurricanes to understand it all) .. but there are diehards that say they will NEVER leave .. no matter what. The looting that goes on in the aftermath of the destruction left behind .. the fact that the authorities won't let you back in until they've cleared roads and flooded streets .. that kinda thing. He always maintains that he WILL NEVER LEAVE .. they can come up and down the street all they want to, demanding evacuation .. he's not leaving .. no matter what.
He's been fortunate (we all have) .. that the worst we've worn of what can be utter devastation .. has been a few days without power/tree limbs down .. yard debris, privacy fence busted loose .. that's the worst we've ever experienced.
It can be absolute devastation as seen in some news reels from other storms. Spawns of tornadoes that can take out a whole neighborhood .. and we could be one of those unfortunate enough to have that happen. But he has no intention of vacating, ever. That's been his stance, all along. And I do believe he means that.
So .. the premise that *she* puts our lives in danger .. by refusing to be elsewhere and then that impeding out ability to leave, not really the case. He aint goin nowhere!
Me, on the other hand .. they scare me ... I don't do well in the aftermath with no creature comforts .. I will clear out, if it's bad enough .. and .. then go wherever .. and he can stay here, stubborn fool ... to protect our "stuff". I think that's foolish .. (if it were bad enough .. we haven't yet had one that is gonna be the mutha of em all, as they say).
So anyway ... there's not a chance that subject is gonna get dropped and not addressed.
As I told DH .. I am formulating some of what I have to say to her .. and I will be kind and I will modulate my tone and demeanor with her .. but I'm also gonna be firm.. and if it doesn't go well, and then there's a bunch of hooey that she doesn't want me a part of her life that I've become mean (because I won't lick her boots) .. then so be it.
Here's about what I envision the scene will be:
I will go on out there, and sit down at her with her perch at her kitchen table (where she lives her life these days).
Me: "So, MIL I hear that there are some hard feelings over some things .. so let's talk about that".
MIL: (now mind you, I am to bite the hook of the dripping drama that will ensue .. and I won't do that) Ya know, I love you .. and I have always thought of you as another daughter .. and I just couldn't understand .. where did you go ... you weren't around anymore, you don't call and come over anymore .. you don't help with things like doctor visits and errands .. like you used to and I just couldn't understand what is it I've done .. where did she go, does she just hate me now, what did I do?".
ME: "Simply put MIL .............. it takes a village to support all the need created in your remaining here to manage .. and I hear that you've reached out for additional help in some of that, great news, glad to hear it .. the more the better, as far as I'm concerned. Now on that front, as I told SIL .. I will be happy to come one morning a week and help you with some things if you'd like, .. but I won't be dropping to run for extra incidentals . that will have to be supported by the *village* you are now forming .. how does that sound".
MIL: (now bewildered and a demeanor of .. well what's wrong with you, you must know how all important I am and the world revolves around me) .. "well one morning, I mean .. what have I done here .. I wish you could tell me, what have I done, I mean .. you used to come and visit .. you used to be someone I could count on .. I just .. I don't know that one morning a week is gonna suffice really .. I mean .. do you despise me, what have I done here?".
Me: "Again, as I said before, it takes a village to support all the need created .. and so sounds like some of that is in motion at this point .. and so now, let's talk about that hurricane issue that you have with me, .. ".
MIL: "Well .. ya know, I'm not through talking about this one morning a week, I just .. I guess I just don't understand what I've done so wrong here .. I mean .. I thought you loved me and enjoyed spending time with me .. that's what I always thought .. I know I do enjoy spending time with you, why would you be setting limits on it in that way .. I guess I just don't understand what it is I've done here".
ME: "It's not anything you've done other than the fact, it's all consuming .. if one lets it become that, so that's my effort to reign in some of my own life and wants .. and not be swallowed up by the need, and I figure that's about a good compromise .. I want to help, I love you .. but ... it's too much for one person .. so now back to that hurricane issue, do you want to talk about that".
Could go a couple of ways at that point (remember .. I'm not boot licking here .. which will displease her .......... nor am I apologizing that I could've been so heartless to have turned my back on her .. something that will also displease her as I sit there, .. in her view, .. not biting the hook of drama she's outpouring).
1. She will dismiss me .. and tell me that she doesn't expect anything from me, and she will be fine . and no she doesn't wish to discuss the hurricane any further .. and that she will be fine .. and that I needn't worry about her and that I can leave now.
2. She'll try to hang onto the above and keep harping at it, at which case, I will change course and address the hurricane only ...
So it will go about this way:
ME: "So now back to that hurricane issue .. let's talk about that ... what are your thoughts there".
MIL: "Well I just felt as though you made it really obvious you didn't want me there, you were rude .. you weren't around much ... you turned your a/c on so cold .. when the power came back on . and yet you kept leaving .. I just felt like you made it real apparent you didn't want me there".
ME: "I think it's grand you guys have a plan going forward that you an be safely tucked away in IL at that time of year .. of course we never know if we will be impacted by these storms .. well aware of that .. but by the time we do know, as you're aware .. it's not the time to buy a plane ticket and a rush-job of getting you to safety .. so I think it's great you guys have a plan going forward .. and I don't do well in these kinds of things ... it's tense .. it's stressful .. it's hot .. I mean .. I know, readily admit .. I don't do well .. so I think it's really a good idea that you guys have a plan in place at this point".
(notice there is no apology there, nor is there any obligatory boot licking .. and this too, will make her angry .. as it's my assertion .. she doesn't plan to go any damn where .. she's just telling SIL what SIL wants to hear .. to placate the whole thing but when the time comes there will be tears and drama and SIL .. not wanting to upset her mother's waning years .. will allow status quo). So this too, is going to cause some consternation that I am on some page that indeed acknowledges and sets forth expectation that will be the case indeed, that she will be departing for IL before the season begins ..
MIL: "Well .. (harumph) .. ya know, I'm not going to sit back and allow that you guys treat me like I don't have a brain .. I will think for myself .. I am not going to lay back here and just let you all direct my world ... WHEN SIL comes back here .. when it's time for her to come back here and to take me to IL with her .. I WILL MAKE THAT DECISION .. not you guys .. and if I don't feel it's something I want to do, at that point, you all are just going to have to understand that's not what I'm going to do".
ME: "that's certainly something you can hash out with your son and daughter, so what day is it you'd like me to set aside, .. actually I think Wednesday mornings work better for me and my schedule, how does that sound".
MIL: "Well .. (Huff and Puff) I just don't know that I even really want you to help me, you sound so .. I don't know really .. I mean what's happened to you .. you used to be so loving and caring and I'm not really hearing much of that .. you seem so removed/detached .. I don't know .. like you don't really care anymore and I'm still struggling with trying to understand here why you are being the way you are .. I don't like it, I don't know what it is I've done here ..
****I'm not licking her boots nor playing into and listening to the drama****
ME: "It's certainly up to you, if you feel that I'm not someone you want as part of your village, that's completely up to you of course .. I will be happy to help and you let me know, think it over if you'd like ... and give me a call if you decide that's workable .. and we can hash thru some of the finer points .. I'm gonna head on out now .. and so we'll talk later once you've thought about it. Love ya, bye.
And off I go.
Behind the above will be the drama that ensues .. that she's now told her daughter (SIL) that Dorker came over but she just doesn't understand .. Dorker has changed .. she's just .. she's just so cut and dry about it all .. she's not really very loving/caring .. and she's just rude ... that no .. she will be fine without my help .. that she will manage.
She will tell her son some of the same (and yes I've asked him if he'd like to be present, but that my intention that he will see in that setting is to be loving, but firm .. and I won't buy into her dripping drama and he will see that if present. He said no, really I'd rather it just be the two of you ... ). So fine. But in the end, she will also tell her son some of the above .. and how Dorker is just so uncaring and so mean and rude anymore and that she just doesn't understand what it is she's done .. and that she doesn't want Dorker's help.
I will answer the above charges .. "Not my job to support bad decisions on ya'lls part, I offered up what I was willing to do, she's free to decline it .. there ya have it" and walk away from that dialogue any further.
I'm tellin ya .. at this point in her life .. she's become so self absorbed .. and her life is so small and her wants/needs .. that she doesn't have the insight to look outside of that .. and how it impacts others. So going there with her, in a bunch of dialogue and examples .. will only side track things .. and useless. The fact that I am not biting the drama hook that drips, and licking her boots .. will not go well.
I might even throw in there . in conversation with her as a means of showing her I understand her plight: "MIL I understand it can't be easy to be you, and the aging process .. I know it's hard .. but we all want to help you, but you have to help us to do that .. and not be a stubborn ornery ole cuss about it (laughing, light heartedly) .. and be more flexible. So glad to see there is some flexibility being exhibited in it all, in you reaching out to neighbors and so forth, that's a good thing!".
I can even throw that much into it as she laments her plight that I"m not being very loving and understanding and kind.
In the end, .. the fact that I didn't come there with my tail tucked between my legs and begging forgiveness for my thoughtless errant ways .. will not sit well .. and bodes a possible further divide on it all.
I won't coddle to her . whims/wants .. and I won't also .. step up to that slippery slope again .. I'm not going there with her, .. stance of "now you guys need to understand that I will not sit here and let you all treat me like I don't have a brain .. now I will manage here .. I will do fine . you guys have to let me manage my own life and not treat me like I don't have a brain in my head".
That kinda thing.
I'm not going there with her. The above . begs for me to enter dialogue on examples of where she doesn't indeed manage .. and opens the door to more drama that I don't care to stomach. So I'm not even going to answer to the above. More of "here's the facts mam" and "here's what I can offer mam" .. and leave all the other superfluous minutia of what your wants are . and that you won't be treated as if you don't have a brain in your head .. and so on and so on and blah blah blah. Not going there and opening that door to argue the finer points that indeed do show example that maybe you have a brain in your head .. but maybe that brain doesn't now function as it should and here are the examples of what I've experienced that show me that.
Nope.. short of falling to my knees with tears of regret and licking boots .. I don't think it will sit well.
So we may be at an impasse, .. we will see.
DH asked me was I going to try to go before SIL leaves ... and I told him no, my plate is full .. I am readying for baby duty this weekend (DD and husband and 4 yo going to Disney for the weekend, I'm watching babies and cooking easter dinner, for when they return on Sunday). "No DH my plate is full right now .. I don't have time to do it .. I will do it after SIL leaves for IL .. and in fact, I'd prefer not to do that when SIL is here and have her running interference to her mom's behalf and trying to obfuscate and distract and so forth .. nope .. don't want her there, .. do you want to be a part of it".
His answer above, no he doesn't want to.
And that's fine by me, I'd prefer he also not be there. As was said the other day when we were discussing the finer points of all this with his sister here (he wasn't here for most of it, but she stayed here all afternoon .. and so he came in on the tail end of some of it). One of the things he said, .. I found fault in .. his words, "well she's a crotchety old woman .. and so what are ya gonna do".
I didn't argue that point with him .. but .. my approach to the above is .. you limit what you do for her and exposure to it all, (taking a page from your book DH .. like you do) and that's what I'm going to do.
That kinda thing would go on if he were present . he wouldn't say those words, but he would certainly say something about "Now Dorker . you know .. she's old she doesn't feel well sometimes .. and so we have to understand .................".
All while I'd feel like, "Shut the he&* up you aren't here either, you yourself won't commit to ANY BLOCK OF TIME .. ANYWHERE IN IT ALL .................. so get out of my azz". Would be about my sentiment. So no .. I don't want him there either, running interference on queen narcissa's behalf .. and not in my corner on it all.
"The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are the people who benefited when you had none."
Narcissa is going to be extremely needy once her minions flee the scene. Pattern here?
Well done...Stay strong!
On the other hand, it is still true that one reason they might be upset by the appearance of boundaries is that they had had no idea how much they were encroaching before. One of the things I most admire about how Dorker has handled turning around this HUGE ship is that she has been so understanding of her in-laws' perspectives and so patient with communication - even when it's been at its most frustrating.
So the old bird was so "hurt" by your "rudeness" during the hurricane that she refuses to come to your house. OK..... months and months have gone by and no one has crawled begging "please come back" so... how did this huff work out for her? She is alone in her house in her kitchen. Boy did she show you!!
Are you hosting Easter? SIL, BIL, and MIL coming? Enjoy time with your kiddoes.
I have not invited them to Easter Dinner, as you see .. I have not yet gone forward to lick her boots and throw myself at her mercy .. and she has stated her stance, .. she will never come to my house again. Okay .. loud and clear, gotcha ............ your choice. Nope .. haven't even done anything in a sense of, "it's Easter, let's shelve all this and just enjoy the day .. do you think you could come and enjoy Easter dinner here, the kids will all be here". Nope. Haven't done that, and won't be doing that.
If DH would care to persuade her and/or whatever, .. that's fine, they can come .. but I won't be addressing the above issues on that day .. I will be busy with kids and Easter dinner prep and that's not the time and place and I will say so to anyone who asserts otherwise.
I like that, another tattoo for my forehead as a daily reminder, "the only people that get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited when you had none". I like that.
Interesting note on the ole ... "I'm never coming to your house again" notion. No .. she hasn't come to our house, but that's nothing new, she hadn't been coming to our house.
HOWEVER ............
There was a time that I bought into the whole "it's just so hard for me to go anywhere" (even though we'd go get her, help her here into the house and seating .. .and make her plate for her, etc). There was a time that I'd take the feast or party to her house and invite the family to come there, .. and she was more than happy for me to do that.
That has ceased. I no longer do that. So fine .. sit there in the house you ole bird .. that you so cannot bear to depart, with all your "stuff" .. "stuff that all has a story behind it". Fine by me.
Used to be .. I would be on the forefront of pushing/persuading .. "oh c'mon MIL .. we'll come get you .. well tell ya what, .. how bout ... would you be okay if we just all come there I'll bring all the fixings for the meal and prepare it there and you can enjoy the kids and g'kids .. how does that sound".
Response of "Oh I would love that yes .. you know, my kitchen is yours .. have at it, I've always said that .. you know where everything is better than I do .. and you know how I just love your family .. yes if you would do that, .. I would so enjoy that, let's plan that".
So that's what I'd do. For a long long time .. that's what I did do.
That has stopped.
I haven't done that since I departed this whole scene which was . oh .. coming up on about a year ago .. a little less than a year. And I won't be doing it either. She .. who so wants all to bite the hook of, "Now i will manage here .. I know what I need to do", then fine do it ... and don't expect that the party be brought to you. Your bday .. sure .. we'll come get ya and we can go to that favorite restaurant .. (she can somehow manage to do that, .. indeed .. with a lot of help .. she can do that). Mother's Day .. those kinds of things .. no . you won't be ignored and treated as if you don't exist at all .......... but my bringing a feast over there and coordinating/planning that all be on that front . those days are over. And invites here, that too, over with .. unless somehow by some miracle I don't see happening that she should assert in all of this, "ya know dorker I am very sorry, I realize you guys .. you have sheltered me and my dog more than once in these things .. and I know, it's not easy having someone into your home and I'm terribly sorry that I have acted the way I have and I will correct that going forward".
I don't see the above happening, not a chance in hades. So be it.. you don't have to come here. If you're coming here .. there is expectation that I will follow around at your elbow and .. your dog's wet behind and wipe it .. and so forth .. if that's the expectation .. then you're right .. you probably don't need to be here . I"m not going to do that .. and what I've been told and shown repeatedly is that you will manage, so do that then.
:D
Is that a threat or a promise?
And , you have ABSOLUTELY nothing to "apologize" for. Don't kneel down to lick those boots!
More than 20 years ago, my DH begged me to "apologize" to his mother, for what, I can't even remember. I offend her by simply being alive--so I don't know what she was so upset about.
Dutiful wife, I go up there to "apologize" and wow---she comes at me, swinging--I got read the riot act about ALL the bad stuff I had done to her in the previous 20 years. I mean, I was sitting on the sofa, first in utter disbelief and then hysterically crying and SHE DIDN'T STOP. DH just sat there. When we finally left, I sat in the car and said "Well are you happy? Did that mend the rift? I'm NEVER going to be one on one with your mother, no matter what. You made me apologize for stuff I DIDN'T EVEN DO!" And I have not been "alone" with this woman since. Nobody needs that negativity in their life.
Long story short---I hadn't done anything wrong. Wait, no, I didn't let her hold my firstborn child before she did---she thought that was SOO SELFISH. Seriously? 48 hrs of labor, an emergency c section and a 10 lb baby and I don't get to hold her first? She was literally still as angry about that as the day it happened. (19 years earlier).
Actually, she had a laundry list of "crap" I had done to her, and it was patently ridiculous.
Your MIL is so much like mine I find my self grinding my teeth as I read your posts.
DO NOT apologize for anything. You haven't DONE anything but good for this woman. She will take any sign of weakness as "apologetic" and then she has you in her power.
IMHO, she is going to go off the rails in almost as soon as SIL leaves. I wouldn't worry about hurricanes, the drama that is her daily life. She's going to have another episode and it will be DH's problem, whether he wants it or not.
You going to get SIL to stop texting you, right? Otherwise in a few days your phone will be pinging off the hook again and we're back at stage one.
MIL is fully aware she's a PITA and being difficult. She just doesn't care about anyone but herself. Oh and that dog.
BTW, NOT having a MIL around is great. Best thing that happened to me--having a harridan for a MIL, I personally am a fabulous MIL b/c I knew if I patterned myself in a 180 degree from my MIL, I couldn't lose. Relationship with DIL could be better, but all 4 of my Sons in Law are amazing and loving....
Good luck in the going forwardness--stay tough on that "ONE MORNING ONLY" and you'll be OK.
I hate to admit this, but, I understand DHs point of view. Not comfortable spending huge amounts of time with MIL.
Me and my Mom’s relationship was strained in her healthy years. Always, her going on about drama within our family. Endless.
I would dread spending time with her one on one. The Last thing I wanted to do was get trapped in a car with her and be her captive audience !!!
When my kids or my DH was around she wouldn’t go there with the whining and drama.
As Moms health declined and Dementia was obvious being around her became easier. That sounds so horrible.
Mom still was difficult but the whole scenario was different. For whatever reason I was able to deal with her Dementia personality and problems much better than her pre-Dementia personality and drama.
It is both a blessing and a curse, I agree. Wish, at times, I too could be oblivious.
Had the 4 year old at the park earlier and as I sat and pondered some of this, while she played. I came to the conclusion that I too, could play the card that I'm so hurt .. and wiping my brow in the sure faint that is to come, how could she/they have hurt me so.
I'm not prone for that. Won't be demanding of that, or anything else.
As for MIL... I don't happen to think her insightful, cognizant and/or thoughtful enough to arrive at the sequencing it would take to see that her refusal to compromises at all, in any of it.. and the fallout of that. Thus, .. so be it. But I mean, if we're all gonna get on their high horse here of how high and mighty we are .. I sure have a high one to sit atop of also .. if I so choose. I don't.
It's all so ridiculous. But you're dealing here with an 88 yo woman who .. I firmly believe has some cognitive problems (no one would address it though). Not enough insight to herself realize .. "gee .. ya know, if I hadn't dug in my heels and ALWAYS refused to go anywhere, even to IL to see my daughter, maybe I'd of not been subject to that rude Dorker ..... and ya know Dorker has been awfully kind to me thru the years .. maybe I'll just let this one slide".
Nope .. that takes more sequencing of thought than she is able to muster.
I have the babies this weekend .. and will be busy with that .. and then next week SIL goes home and at that point I will reach out to MIL and try a sit down . but it will be with some firm boundaries . and that 20 point mental chess described earlier.
How it all goes, is how it will go.
I don't mind saying to anyone involved, "I don't know what you folks expect of me .. It's not my job to support your bad decisions, any of you".
So we'll see.
Just an observation. You've always talked about how much you love DH's family, what a good grandma MIL was, etc. Was she always a drama queen? Or is this of recent onset?
It's gotten worse. But it's always been there. Easier to ignore when it'd fire off in previous years because there was a lot more going on than just her falling into the pits of despair and lamenting whatever the situation might be. A lot more going on in her world, a lot more to interact with her on, besides whatever the drama dujour was.
............and ...... in her later years now ... I'm not even sure how to describe it .. she has become .. I guess the role she is playing in the Broadway show that is her life, is that of the wise old soul that has seen enough of life that almost any topic that arises .. she can reflect back on .. "well when I was ..............", and then followed by some *lesson* in it, in the sense of "I've lived long enough at this point nothing surprises me, you'll get there too, if you live long enough .. ". That being one example. .. but .... gosh it's hard to describe ... I think .. it's sorta like ... you can't just be watching tv and have some current event that crops up on tv, on the news or whatever . that she doesn't have to take the floor at that point and wax and wane on and on .. about .. what lesson there is in that specific issue and she knows because .......... and when she was so and so .... she dealt with that too .. and she just did ... and ya know .. that's just how people are ..
It's like she's become .. the role she plays .. she is now the great imparter of all the knowledge and wisdom that we all clamor to her feet to listen to.
And all of it dripping with the requisite drama ..
Didn't used to be this way. She used to be someone that you could enjoy more .. and the drama .. yes it was there, depending on the situation ongoing . at the time .. but .. there was more to interact on .. and discuss and it didn't come with some great life lesson that she .. only she .. has had happen .. and so forth, as it is now.
I know DD meant well. It sounds like she has a big heart and a good head on her shoulders. But the trajectory of you & SIL — and what’s worth feeling bad about — falls squarely into “wait til you’re my age.”
I’ll guess that DD is late 20s/early 30s. When I was her age, I was mature, self-supporting, nurturing and un-dramatic. And I had NO true sense of how the Grand Guignol of aging elders can wear down the middle-aged. Even when I witnessed it, I was only a witness.
Living it is a whole different strain. As you and I and the good folks on this forum now know. 😐
Also had no clue about the heightened level of self-preservation that comes a-knockin’ with peri-menopause and menopause!
The new you does not love SIL any less. Nor does the new you diminish the good memories that you & SIL share.
But the older we get, we see other people’s limitations more clearly. And when standing on ceremony interferes with what’s left of our sanity, we say “no more.” Without regrets.
It’s not bad. It’s not good. It just is. And in your case, it’s the path to being there for the now-or-never moments with DD’s children.
(((Big hugs, Dorker!))) You have weathered this trial with an admirable level of grace. Frustrated, oh yes! But that’s what this forum is for.
You managed to stay out of the mental hospital, you still have your marriage, and your grandkids think you hung the moon. Keep on keepin’ on!
But she too, is powerless to do much about it,.. I wish she'd weigh in more than she does, as to her thoughts on it. But .. I suppose she's living her life/doin her thing, as they say.
And yes, it's on the tip of my tongue when she chides .. "I just feel like you and SIL's relationship will never be the same, and what a shame, you used to be so close".
It's on the tip of my tongue to lash out with an "You'll see .. you'll be there one day yourself".
But I don't say it. Why?
Because it's meaningless to someone that hasn't walked that path.
Same as .. these days .. her 4 yo daughter thinks she hung the moon and stars .. loves her mommy to the moon and back (as it should be). I don't bother telling her and hanging on those words of, "yea and one day she will think you're dumber than dirt .. just you wait". Let her live in the moment as I got to do, when mine were little and bask in the glory that her daughter adores her. She will find out, soon enough .. that transition also a necessary one .. as they begin to pull away and form some autonomy of their own. It happens, it's life. And then if all goes well, it comes full circle, and somehow you aren't dumb as dirt, you also didn't hang the moon and stars .. but you're somewhere in between .. and they wanna be around you again. It's life, it's how it goes.
I've had the babies since 8 AM yesterday morning .. for them to go to Disney, no babies with them. The other g'parents just came and got the wee ones, and I'm whupped! I don't know how my daughter does this day in and day out .. every day .. but she does. Maybe a difference of 30 years .. makes that much difference in stamina!
I was remembering back about this time last year, when MIL couldn't join for Easter dinner here .. she'd been sick ... and I'd been running from pillar to post to bring her supplies, sit vigil, dh spending the nite, etc. I remember clearly telling SIL at that time, over the phone (SIL 1K miles away) .. "she needs more care, .. she can't even adequately care for herself .. she seems to do alright, when she's okay and all is well, it's when things de-rail, with illness/injury .. she's woefully equipped to weather it .. she falls off the rails quickly".
I remember telling her that, this time last year.
Here we still are. SIL about to depart in a few days.
I guess, because I've been homebound here .. It has caused me so much anger over the last couple of days .. just to ponder that this horse has been beaten absolutely to death and nothing changes.
Other than I am now the object of scorn and dismay .. for having set some firm parameters around what I will and won't do, to prop it up.
And the words keep replaying in my head .. the words SIL spoke (among many other words) but more specifially: "I'm trying to allow her .. as best I can .. the dignity to chart her own course .. I wouldn't want someone to take that away from me". My response .. which I think a valid response: "That's fine as long as you are the one to support that choice .. when that choice is not supported or by one lone person who says they can't keep doing it, and it gets ignored SIL .. that breeds resentment and anger".
Same ole tired and worn out lines persist:
SIL: "Well she is reaching out finally, she has the neighbor who will take her grocery shopping, wants to help . thinks the world of mom .. and so she'll take her grocery shopping (yea right, okay .. let's see how long that works as a viable alternative). She is reaching out to the MOW drivers .. to see if they will help her with some errands and transport to doc visits .. (yea uh huh .. okay .. and let's see her have the ability to actually walk the walk of planning that .. and she calls MOW Driver #1, gets no answer, leaves a message .. gets no return phone call, .. calls MOW driver #2 .. and gets a response of *oh gee, I'm so sorry, I can't possibly not on that date, I have such and such to do*.
MIL then does what SIL? What is she to do now?
You say she doesn't want to use GOGOGRANDPARENT . doesn't want to get in the car with strangers ............... so she does what now.
The above is about the sum of any additional support you so proudly tout her as reaching out to engage in it all, at this point. She does what at that point?
It won't be calling on me, that's for sure .. I've made my participation in it all, abundantly clear. So she does what now? .....
Call on DD ............. "DD announces, she has a function at her daughter's school .. or one of the kids is sick, .. and she isn't available.
Now what?
It will be tempting for me to blow sky high . if I'm approached at that point. I've tried to act, always .. with decorum and tact .. and an extreme level of objectivity to see all sides. And not throw a damn fit .. and say hurtful things.
I think at that point, I would blow what remains of SIL's and my relationship (as well as MIL) to the wind .. and just tell her, "so much for your .. *well at least she is now reaching out for others to engage in it all* ............ how's that workin for ya now SIL, enjoy life in IL .. and I'm gonna enjoy life here on my end, talk to your brother).
Had an interesting phone conversation with their cousin. The very same cousin who, about a year ago, took in her father to live with them .. her father aging also .. same age exactly. But not nearly as infirm as MIL . it's just that he was living here in FL . with no family anywhere around as support, .. and so a decision was made, he'd sell his home and go live with her .. in TN. That's where she resides presently, her father under her roof.
She has been in my corner .. all along and questions what must they all be thinking. She, not of the ilk to hop on a plane and be here within days of any calamity that might befall her dad .. and they all knew it .. and thus a decision made .. a responsible decision .. he sold his home and now resides with her in TN.
She has said to her cousins, both DH and his sister .. "what are you guys thinking??!?!?!? This isn't Dorker's responsibility .. this is you and your sister's .. you guys need to sit her down and let her know this is how it's gonna be .. you want to insist on living alone .. then by damn that's how it's gonna be, .. don't expect that anyone is gonna continually run to your damn rescue".
The above has been her approach .. and she has said as much (and she has a platform of which to speak, having taken her dad into her home) .. she's said it to DH as well as to SIL.
She called me the other day in utter disbelief, "DORKER .............. WTH?????...............I cannot believe she is leaving her there AGAIN ........... and going home to IL ........... WTH?!?!?!?".
How does one .......... (SIL) .............acknowledge (she did so in conversation with me) .. that she sees it herself, her mother does so much better with 24/7 support . in her presence in her mom's life .. she sees it, admits it.
How does one ........... get that kinda flack from the cousin (who is vocal about her thoughts on it all).
Get the pushback from me on it..............
Yet still decide ....... this is the best approach .. we'll continue to leave her to manage on her own. How does one do that . how does that happen?
Unless the bottom line is you won't say it out loud .. GOD FORBID ........... you've weighed it out .. and you hope that some huge catstrophe will take this choice out of your hands .. and you won't have to bring her into your home .. or even entertain that notion . ........... or face your mom's tears and sadness at uprooting ........ you'd rather the huge calamity that is sure to come ....... befall the whole thing . before you have to actually do the grunt work, of making MIL understand .. this aint working nomo.
I find that even though I've spoken my piece on it all (have yet to sit with MIL, that's coming) .... I am still so angry.
Some say of me, "that's because you like to *control* everything .. you're a control freak .. you can't control everything".
No I like to control what goes on in my hemisphere .. like most folks that live and breathe and walk this earth.
If only there was a magic pill that you could take so you would no longer care about the SIL or her mother, then you would have no more anger. Well, actually there is. Are you a drinker by any chance. Haha. Just kidding.
You need a long vacation from the battlefield.
How are you going to move that mountain?
So it has been determined that you will in fact commit to one morning a week? Everyone knows this?
What time or block of time has DH committed to? Flying by the seat of his pants until he can delegate care of his mother to you?
Crickets......
I myself do not think that you owe MIL nothing more than a passing “well gee sorry if I was cranky during a mandatory evacuation for a hurricane” but not a major apology, IMO. You are an adult as is MIL. You yourself stated you can’t even pinpoint what prompted the matriarch’s wrath. MIL won’t remember all the circumstances. What the heck did you do anyway? Nothing deemed malicious as you sit in a sweltering house all the while your food is defrosting, you need flashlights to see in front of you and your only respite was the opportunity to go to your car to get air conditioning & charge your phone. Deliver the cursory “Sorry, my bad” apology and move on.
Because still, Dorker, after almost ten months after this thread began, nothing has changed.
DH refuses to change his schedule one iota. SIL/BIL will take off 4/4.
Going forward from that day (4/4) channel all MIL’s complaints to DH. It’s his mother, nothing not said before to him, schedule time for his mother in his life. No brother/sister/mother pow wow prior to their flight out? (I can dream, can’t I?)
Vague “maybe MOW drivers” (complete strangers) or her neighbor who “doesn’t mind taking mother “ grocery shopping, (hmmm) will save the day.
DH/SIL propping up how their mother still being able to drive, although she shouldn’t be (per DH). Bonkers.
No POA this journey either. No plan made to have MIL’s prescriptions be delivered, dog care, MD appts- still out there in the wind.
To me this validates how clueless DH & SIL remain to be!
Any hired home care help has been ix-nayed due to the cost- meanwhile the “cost” includes you, DH. & the rest of the family totally every man for themselves.
Get ready to play hard ball with DH, as he will try to delegate it all this to you, Dorker.
Stand firm Dorker. Your patience will continue to be pushed to its limits & the stress will be on you- as you will be guilted into action when DH - who “puts food on the table” continues his pursuit of happiness with hunting & churching.
Oh vey.....
The beat goes on.
Everyone having Easter dinner together today prior to SIL going back home?
DH taking them to the airport?
We’ll be here for you for the next installment of “As the Stomach turns...”.
So the countdown clock is almost done...just three days until Sil & BIL's blastoff into the wild blue yonder back to IL.
Assumptions:
*No meeting between MIL, SIL and H ever occurred. No meeting between H and SIL.
*No POA given to SIL and/or H.
*No firm plans for home delivery of groceries, Precious Pooch supplies. No firm plans for neighbor taking MIL grocery shopping, MOW drivers doing so, churchfolk coming in and caring for MIL.
*No commitments from H or D as to regular timeslots to be with MIL.
As Shane above noted, nothing has changed in 10 months. Well, with the exception of one thing...YOU, Dorker, have committed to spending one morning a week with MIL. That's one tiny finger in the near-to-bursting dike of MIL's great needs.
I have one small suggestion -- don't let it be up to MIL what you will and won't do on that one block of time on Tuesday mornings. Make it be a NEED and not a WANT. Many of MIL's needs are actually wants. And YOU get to decide what is a need versus a want. (For instance, every single one of the Precious Pooch errands is a want, as far as I'm concerned, with the possible exception of a vet visit for an illness. Or is there a mobile vet? If so, that becomes a want and not a need, also.)
Not only that last transmission from HQ's .. is that MIL is sick ... (what else is new). I was at the grocery store the other day, .. shopping to stock up for babies' weekend stay and for Easter dinner. A text from SIL ... to me and DH. I guess that's her new approach ..??.....she'll just text both of us .. rather than just her brother ...???......I dunno.
Text was just to inform me (why I need to know this is beyond me) that she'd had MIL to the doc that morning, seems some congestion/cough/so forth .. and they think it's allergy related, .. but did rx an antibiotic to hopefully stave it from going into something else. She goes on to say in the text, .. she hopes to, she and her husband, attend church on Easter morning .. but that sh'e sure MIL will still be under the weather and unable to attend.
I purposely didn't answer to it,... all day (I was busy for one thing) but I was hoping that DH would clock in and respond. Never did. No, I didn't go hit him the head with the cell phone and demand he respond. Nope. Finally after several hours .. I did respond, .. "Sorry to hear your mom isn't feeling well, hope it passes quickly, see you guys at church".
DH never did clock in on that text ... have no idea if he spoke to her outside of that medium, .. haven't asked. Don't care.
I did get another text from her this morning, wishing us Happy Easter .. and that they will not be at church, she herself now has a sore throat. This text, also loops in DH .. but no .. no response from him ..... as of yet. I did respond "Sorry you're feeling under the weather, hope it passes soon. Have a nice day oh and Happy Easter".
My daughters (and g'kids) will be here for Easter dinner. I didn't invite the in laws .. only because I'm really pretty angry with them, but also because ... peruse back thru the posts here ............. they haven't come here for holiday festivities of any sort, for a long long time. .......... (not just since the hurricane and "I will never go to your house again). Last Easter even, she was sick (MIL) ....... and so a plate was taken to her ... the xmas before that .. she was sick ..... (generally I'd host these things .. MIL in no shape to prepare a holiday meal, and SIL is good at a lot of things but hosting/planning/preparing a holiday meal isn't one of them). So it would generally be on me (DD, OD and YD ............ for their varying reasons also ill equipped to do so). It's generally on me.
The reasons cited .. as to their declining invitations this way have varied
a) It's just so hard to get out and do anything at all, I have to pick and choose
b) I've been sick, (am sick)
c) The kids will be there right? Didn't they have runny noses the other day .. might better stay away from that, don't need mother to catch something
Thus, . invites .. for more than a year .. have been declined. So no, I didn't invite them.
And no, I'm not sorry .. I won't miss their presence here, at all. Sad to say. Anger and resentment has overtaken .. what used to be a fond relationship there. Sadly.
For a while .. even before the above, I'd move the festivities there ........ and do the prep there .. but that ceased .. once I began to get a belly full of the lack of compromise on MIL's part .. as to engaging any add'l help in all that is propping up her situation .. and my pleas went unanswered to. I no longer do that.
The festivities for whatever holiday/bday .. whatever it is .. will be here ......... and those that can come, .. fine .. wonderful .. those that can't .. for their varying reasons .. that's fine too.
And no I won't be offering to run plates of leftovers out to them. If DH cares to do so,.... there will be plenty .. he can certainly do so.
Look. If you could be a fly on the wall .. to the conversation that transpires around all this .. you'd hear SIL tout her, "this is all only temporary .. I mean .. I just need to like June or so .. not sure .. kinda depends on my son's plans and whether he is able to come here this summer for vacation .. he won't know til they decide whether he has to move .. if he has to move, he can't come here .. but if not .. they want to come mid June thru mid-July ......... and so ..... I mean, I never get to see my grandkids because they live so far away .. I get to see them once a year .. that's it ........ so ............ if they're coming .. I mean ..............they talked about renting an AirBnB ............ rather than them being under foot there with aged mom there ........... it's too much with 3 kids running amok .......... it's be too much ......... but I hate for them to do that .. it's expensive .. and it limits what time I can spend with my g'kids .......... so I gotta kinda see what that story plays out as ............. but I also need to get back .. I've been here 4 months .. and some of my doc visits have gone by the wayside, need to get those addressed .............. and ............. my daughter is going to Thailand for 10 days and so I need to dog sit for her, .. for 10 days ... and that's too much .. her 3 dogs ..........and then mom and her dog .. that makes 4 dogs and an old feeble aged person .. it's too much ......... this is just temporary .. until we can get past that hurdle ............ and then I'm going to come back and get her, .. and we're going to start this regiment of six months in IL and six months here, and she'll be with us f/t ..........
I responded to that dialogue: "You just said how she so HATES to leave her home and her "stuff" .. "stuff with all it's stories", .......... what's the case gonna be when it''s time for her depart here .. for what will be the set up of six months there, six months here, and she is still digging in her heels and "Now you all will not treat me like I don't have a brain here ..... I am not going anywhere, I'll be fine right here", .......... what's the approach at that point SIL?
Seemingly that question .. maybe a bit .. angered her (she who .. truthfully .. does not get angry). Her answer was as follows: "Dorker, I don't know .. I don't know what to tell you .......... I can't tie her up and force her to do anything ....... and I can't move here .. mine and my husband's life is up there ..... I don't know ......... I guess we cross that bridge when we get there.
I reminded her, .. if you will reflect back this was supposed to have occured in September ......... and she'd had that UTI hospitalization and so was not travel worthy .. it got shelved. It was then looked at and said that in the spring ... (I remember being puzzled ........ spring .....????...........what has winter got to do with the price of tea in all this) ...... didn't want to do this in winter ...... (yes winters are more brutal in IL ... than in FL ........... but someone who is essentially home-bound and MIL is .......... really isn't impacted by that). So it was then supposed to be spring . because you couldn't do this in the winter.
Well now spring is upon us .. she has rehabbed from yet another calamity .. and you guys even got the whole dog thing in the works .......... to do this and have the dog fly with you ....... and then she begs/pleads .. .that she doesn't want to go ......... and so ... what's to say the next time, when you return to retrieve her there won't be ........a) another calamity that has befallen the whole setting and her unable to ambulate and needing rehab from whatever has befallen the whole thing .............or b) she is begging/pleading/tears .. she doesn't want to go ....... what's to say that isn't the next juncture as we keep putting off any move here .. that would secure a more suitable setting for her and the support she needs.
Again (kerfuffle) SIL: "I don't know Dorker, I don't have a crystal ball .. she could fall or get sick at my house for that matter ......... I don't know .. I don't have the answers .. this is all uncharted waters for me, I'm just doing the best I can .. part of it, I want to allow her the dignity to chart her own course as best I can .. I wouldn't want anyone to take that away from me .......
Me: "that's fine as long as there is support for her to be given that latitude, .. there isn't".
SIL: "I'm just doing the best I can .. I get here as often as I possibly can .. and try to take it all off of you guys .. I can't really help it that life on my end *happens* .. I couldn't help it that B had a minor stroke and I needed to then return to him to care for him .... ".
Me: "No one has ever faulted you with what you do and don't do with getting here SIL.......... that's not where the breakdown is .. the breakdown is in MIL's absolute staunch refusal to compromise .. and .. how that impacts the one lone soul left here to support her decisions .. that one lone soul had thrown in the towel .. the other one, your brother .. you say it yourself, you rarely hear from him .. so where's the support for that decision
SIL now singing the tune that at least her mother is now reaching out to engage 3rd parties, neighbor/MOW drivers, etc.
So this is what you'd see if you were a fly on the wall of trying to view how the conversation goes.
Circles, always in circles.
At the crux of it all, I have almost zero hope that there will ever be any movement on MILs part. Thus, SIL trying to sell me on a whole line of "...this is only temporary til I an get back here to retrieve her". I don't buy it, it will never happen.
I see it ... what I hear/perceive in the above is .. an underhanded means by which to get me to bite the hook of all that is MIL .. it's only temporary ... and Dorker if you would only ... on the premise that they are indeed heading in that direction with the whole thing. I don't buy it.
Let's see it all transpire (is about where I am) .. and MIL actually work WITH .. what it is as to support she needs and not be so stubborn and ornery .. and then ......... then .........let's talk about what Dorker ........... can't you just ......... oh for CHRISSAKES ...... then let's revisit that ........ once I see that there is a workable plan.
Absent that, they haven't yet seen stubborn and ornery.
Yes, they can (and do) hang it all on, .. "Well she's old .. she's cantankerous". And I can default to my pat answer, "she's not my mom".
Talking with DH some on it all this morning. He really does have a bitter taste in his mouth with all things his mom. It's interesting to listen to him, .. now that he .. I guess .. for whatever his reasons ... will have a little bit of dialogue on it all.
First off, on the church folks that he's tried to push and whether that will ever come to fruition. He is now wishing he'd not offered that, and almost hopes it does not come to pass ... as she will (and she will do so, she has no filter) .. tell them how absent her son is .. and that she never sees him . and that he's so busy at that church .. that it takes all his time .. and so forth. Cast him in a bad light ... with his church folks.
I told him, he can't let his pride stand in the way of what help his mother can avail herself of, if she's willing/able. He agrees. Assured that these are people accustomed to dealing with cantankerous old people ... I'm sure they will not think any less of you in the end.
Some of what he worries his mom will impart to them, as to her absent son, not attentive son .. is true ....... (no I didn't get into that with him .. he will answer to that if he does .. to his maker . and/or before then, with his mom or his church folks .. not me). I've taken a page out of their book. Nobody confronts/talks to anybody in this family .. and so I will follow suit.
But to hear him talk ............ I do almost feel a bit of sorrow for him. He, .. firmly does believe that his mom needs more care ........... absolutely 1000%. He sees it, knows it. But he is odd man out here. Should he sit down with his sister and let her know that a united front needs to be presented to MIL on that ........... no ifs/ands/buts. Yes .. does he, no. He'd be odd man out, .. look no further than the above ...... SIL has a million reasons why her mom can now be left alone (AGAIN, time and time AGAIN) .....and MIL ................. does not want to leave "her stuff with stories" and I guess turns on the water works .. and so he'd be odd man out.
The truth .. he ..... could .. forgo some of his hunting/church involvement in interest of spending more time with his mom . that is the truth. BUT ........... if you listen to him talk ........... it's not anything he enjoys .......... she is cantankerous and ..... she with her waning on and on, with the whole "now if I need you .. I need you to come right away" ........ and dripping in drama .. he doesn't do drama from any corner .. that will turn off his listening to you faster than anything else will.
Her with the drama that is the estranged brother and that situation that she wants to hash and rehash .. and he is so past it .. just doesn't even wanna talk about it anymore, its' been 10 years!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's gone ........... turn the page!!!!!!!!!!!
He just can't do her drama......
And to hear him talk, .. something breaks, . he's there .. fixes it .. as quickly as he can get there .. she doesn't feel well, summons him ......... he does the best he can to get to her and hold her hand and sweet talk her ........ and be the attentive son she needs .. (this is to hear him talk of it all) ........ he does (per him) stop in and visit with her .. and she begins with all her drama .........
And so of course, underlying all of this is his sentiment .. she needs more support, more care ...........
And it probably doesn't help that it has upended his marriage and his household peace that this has all caused his wife to become a raging B at times........
So to hear him talk of it all, .. I almost feel sorry for him.
IMO............. he could/should set aside a designated time that is his mom's .. be that to fix things .. be that to visit, take her to lunch .. just whatever that is .. I don't know if that means Saturday mornings .. or Sundays after church .. or go spend the night with her one night a week, .. or one night every-other-week .. or go have breakfast with her one morning a week .. I don't know. But he should/could do that. But thus far .. he hasn't seen fit to get that on paper and get it done.
My days of hounding on that, are well over ......... not going there. Not fighting a battle any longer that isn't mine to fight.
We know there are some sore feelings on the other end as a result of his fly by the seat of your pants approach .. and that MIL feels as though he breezes in to fix thing and is gone just as quick . and doesn't spend any time with her .. she's said as much and he's aware she's said it ... (he disagrees) .... we know that SIL has said they rarely hear from him .. so we know there are some hard feelings on that topic.
So .. the resolve to that you idiots .. sit down and talk it thru .. get a plan. Absent that .. don't put it in my corner, because I'm no longer going down that road of obstinence and argument from him . this isn't my mom.
We are, both of us, .. very angry with the whole thing ...........
He sees it, knows she needs more care .........
But also knows he has little time to do it .......... and that the safety net in his wife .. who stood in that stead for far too long .. it's over.
And yes I still have to get it on the radar to go and sit down with MIL. No, she wont' remember the particulars of any one egregious thing I did during the stay here, as I've heard from all involved .. other than her, that my faults were
a) I was just aloof and made it pretty evident I didn't want her here (guilty as charged)
and
b) I turned the thermostat on .. and had the a/c so cold in here.
On that latter charge .. guilty. It's well known .. and talked about openly ...... I like it cooler than others do. Even YD (lives here) complains that I keep it too cold for her liking. It's well known .. this isn't anything new and something I purposely did to make her feel even more uncomfortable. My mom even when she comes here, complains of that .... and I remind her before she comes to bring a sweater ...... (she still complains). It's well known about me.
My stance is ........ I don't go to your house and complain about the ambient feel of the place .. you know this about me ............. plan accordingly.
So no, there will be no boot licking on any front as to the whole sit down with MIL. It's going to be less than satisfying to her, . to say the least .. as I subvert and redirect and skirt the whole thing and praise her for reaching out to engage other parties .. and that she has agreed to depart from this area during what is hurricane season .. a smart move on her part (even tho I don't believe she'll ever do it). This is going to cause her to get really uncomfortable with me, that I don't bend over to lick her boots in it all.
So be it.
I'm not going there in discussion with her, .. "MIL the truth of the matter .. you don't need to be living alone anymore and I don't support it, so what you are seeing is the result of that .. you have lost the one lone soul you had in it all, to support it, it was too much ......".
Not going there with her. I don't have the stomach to deal with the drama she will most certainly put forth in that dialogue .. "Now I wont' be treated by all of you as if I don't have a brain in my head .. I know what I need to do here .. and I will manage".
Not going there. Not gonna argue with a fence post.
So ..... the stomach turns indeed. Daily.
I hope your Easter is going well and peacefully.
So sorry that things just seem to be stuck as usual. I think you have real "burn out" on this whole scene. It's a real thing and so understandable. Even though you have volunteered for only one morning now, I wonder how much you can really do without being pushed to the edge. Enough is enough.
Just a thought - needs vs wants... with my Dad if it was wants and I was up to my neck in needs... i would say OK Dad, I'll do it but not right now. Kind of like"next time" with kids. (Then really maybe or maybe not.)
It truly is SIL and DH's responsibility but you've described all that and it doesn't look like it's going to change. Sadly, I think even if one of them had POA, it would be difficult to get MIL to do anything she doesn't want to do.
I think if a person is of sound mind (MIL), they can not be forced to do much of anything. It seems MIL is right on that edge. That just leaves fate to play out - falls I think.
Stay strong... you are doing great but what a pressure that you don't deserve.
Great job not engaging with those texts!! Stay strong!
I recommend you read and respond to her texts on the ONE morning you set aside for MIL. Otherwise you would still be 'working' on your days off.
Sounds like everything is back to square one.
Try to block her texts today and send to DH only. Text one thing- that you are out of these conversations & won’t respond.
Stand firm - you only have 3 days now and MIL is sick to boot, as is SIL with a sore throat.
I would stay unavailable & force communication between DH & SIL. Make it clear SIL must update DH, not you Dorker. He needs to talk with his sister.
I am so sorry, but it seems nothing has changed & time is down to the wire. They depart Wednesday with no plan for mom. No home care, no grocery delivery, “no nuthin”.
Geez
I didn’t think the text would start again until SIL was back home.
Not only have they started but they are group text to you and your DH.
And MiL is ill.
Everything is back to square one except you are out.
SIL still does not get that. Or maybe she does. So the hand wringing and group texts begin.
Just remove yourself from the communication line. That way the sibs will have to communicate about THEIR mother. Everyone hopes you will jump back into stepping and fetching. By blocking SIL's texts, that will lessen the expectations and inevitable conflicts.
I did ask her to (and thus far she has honored that request, to my knowledge) .. "don't loop me into texts that have to do with home repairs, .. I can't fix broken fences and toilets and sprinkler heads, there's no need that I need to be in on that conversation, and my reminding/haranguing DH about topics that have nothing to do with me, .. causes un-needed friction in my world. I have enough to hound him about with our own "stuff".
That was asked of her, .. and I don't know if she's sent any communication to him, with regard to any nagging home repair issue. And that's good .. I don't need to know. If she has and he isn't addressing it (which used to be the bane of my existence) .. then that's on her to figure a better way to reach him .. she and he, can figure that out.
I did ask her to take me out of the loop as to pet care .. don't have a pet, for the very valid reason, I don't want one at this stage of my life and I don't want to care for her's either.
Thus far, that to has been honored, if there has been any issue with the pet, .. I'm not aware of it, and that's a good thing also. Don't need to be aware of it.
I didn't tell her, .. "in fact, don't text me at all about anything, ever".
I don't wish to crash and burn any relationship there and be overly punitive and incendiary in tone.
Right now being a perfect example. I think I've weathered enough fire and fury in all of this storm, it has taught me how to hold some pretty firm boundaries.
Yesterday, of course, an earlier morning text that she'd woken up with a sore throat and so was begging off church attendance that she'd earlier in the week indicated she and B might attend. As well as wishing us Happy Easter.
That was a group text sent to both me and DH. DH had already left for church at that point the text arrived. Never did see any response from him. I leave later for church. I simply responded, "Sorry you aren't feeling well, hope it gets better soon, Happy Easter to you guys also"
There was indeed a time she could've counted on me, to throw my hat into the ring a to any need on that front, with the onset of illness/injury, etc. In fact, there'd of been a time when it would've already been on the radar that I'd be bringing the festivities for the day, to them .. and maybe that would've nullified those plans .. sickness on that front, but there'd of been a promise to bring plates that way for them later, if they wish, as well as stop off for any incidentals maybe they might need.
Not so .. at this point.
She simply got a response, ..much as you might handle it with someone who is a mere acquaintance .. "hope you feel better soon, Happy Easter to you guys also".
Nothing of an effort to jump in and wade thru what might be needed there. Boundaries.
Later in the day .... much later, .. had my daughters here at that point and grands .. and enjoying Easter.
Got another in that same group text, ... (DH was outside at that point working on his truck or something, he and son in law). That same group text to both me and DH:
It read:
"Was feeling worse and worse and so I went to a minute clinic and got ck'd out, dx was a sinus infection, rx'd some antibiotic and Flonase. Mom still feeling pretty lousy also, may need to get her seen again. She's had a bowl of chicken noodle soup . and B had a ham sandwich, .. and I ate some jello that I'd made earlier .. Not a very happy Easter here".
I responded to that .. (DH never did respond to any of it) .. We have Easter dinner here if B would like to come get some, if any of you want some.
Note, there was no (where there would've been in previous times) no effort at ... oh gee, and you so sick .. let me know if your mom needs to be seen I can certainly run by and pick her up and see to that. Nope. I simply said that if she'd like to send B this way I'll be happy to make plates for them.
She answered that she would check with him, .. she knows that she doesn't want any, no appetite, ... figured maybe her mom would eat a little of it, didn't know .. but she knows that B would certainly enjoy it, he isn't sick (yet).
I responded to that, .. "sounds good, hopefully now that you have an antibiotic you can begin to get better quicker".
No further response or conversation between she and I on it. Not me offering to bring plates .. not me offering to send DH with plates .. (DH still outside working on his truck, no response from him in any of it). Not me offering to go take her mom back to be re-checked, not me offering to bring any supplies, etc. No offers from my corner to go bonk DH over the head to see to the need there.
An hour or so later she sends another text, .. "Gotta check with B .. see if he wants to come that way to grab some easter leftovers ... I don't feel good at all, I can't believe how bad I feel, and so quickly, have a low grade fever (100), am just not able to cook anything really".
My answer that that: "Man that really stinks .. I know those sinus infections aren't fun".
No answer from DH .. he hasn't weighed in, on this group text at all ..... nothing from him in it. But also note that I haven't stepped up in any way to answer to any bell, inferred or otherwise.. as to this conversation.
She then asked if I'd ever been on the specific antibiotic she was rx'd (named what it is) and Flonase. I responded (DH still hasn't weighed in, in any of it, or have I gone outside to bonk him on the head with the phone and interrupt what he's doing, to ask that he do so, I don't care, .. to me this is just conversational ....... I'm not feeling any push to step up to the plate in it all, . boundaries .. where there didn't used to be boundaries).
I responded that I wasn't aware of that specific antibiotic .. don't recall if if I've ever been on it, but Flonase . yes.
Somewhere beyond that time, DH landed in the screen room where I was .. with the babies .. enjoying them and some beautiful weather outside. He asked if the food was still laid out .. that he may go get some more. Told him it is, .. mentioned that B may be coming to get some of it.
He asked, "Do I need to get some of it out there to them".
I shrugged my shoulders ..
He asked, "is B coming?".
I shrugged my shoulders, answered, "don't know, I offered .. if he'd like to come this way to do so".
At that DH picked up his cell phone and called there .. to ask if they'd like him to bring some. I guess the person on the other end that answered the phone was B .. MIL ailing as is SIL both.
B .. (a hearty eater, someone who will eat anything/anytime) was all for it. Don't know if SIL had yet put on his radar to come this way to get something .. or if he'd hesitated .. not wanting to get out and about himself (he doesn't drive when here, so getting around for him, is more cumbersome). Don't know why ......... but for whatever reason .. he didn't seem aware .. and was all for it, if DH cared to do so.
DH then went inside and prepared 3 plates for them, and covered them and I did help him get the plates out to his truck .. along with another plate of dessert.
And he left, to go run that out to them.
He was back in pretty short order ... I suppose not wanting to get sick himself, .. he didn't stay long.
I asked him if B ate the food, his response "B ate it all, .. just in the little time I was there and visiting with mom .. it was all gone, his plate .. and he was heading for the dessert you sent ... mom didn't eat . not when I was there .. maybe she'll eat later .. and sister was laid up in the recliner with a blanket .. man they are in a bad way out there, both mom and she sick".
I responded to him: "that's what I hear".
Note: I didn't step up to . "ya know I may need to see what I can do to help your sister .. she mentioned maybe needing to get MIL seen again at the doc, but she's too sick". I didn't say that, and he dare not ask.....nor did I prompt him with the above possible need to, step up.
Later in the evening, once everyone had gone home from there. He and I just chatting .. and he said again, 'man they are both so sick out there, don't feel well at all".
I responded "yea your sister just got antibiotics .. she should feel better by tomorrow or the next day .. usually".
He said, .. just kinda in a lamenting the whole plight sorta way: "Man oh man, and they are to fly outta here on Wednesday .. what are they gonna do?".
I said, "they'll be better by then".
He shook his head in dismay and said the following: "God help me, .. it's all gonna be on me .. God's gonna have to see me thru this .. it's all gonna be on me, when they leave".
I simply quoted the scripture about "all things are possible thru our Lord and Savior" and left it at that.
All of this to point out .. nowhere in what I consider was just conversational .. did SIL get me to step up into any of it, ........... nor did I offer ....... the request wasn't made, not by SIL nor by DH. But I also didn't offer.
IMO, ............. this is life .......... people get sick .. your mom gets sick and when she does she falls off the rails .. and that's what I've been telling all of you for far too long .. so .. go with it then, she's gonna be left on her own, .. not my decision .. go with it.
I'm not stepping in to help ..
She did send another text later in the evening thanking us for the foods brought .. that B had eaten every morsel of what was sent . and that her mom had played with her's, eaten some of it .. and that she herself, hadn't eaten a bite of it, but would hopefully have a better appetite tomorrow and would save it.
I responded to that, "glad you didn't have to cook, not fun when you don't feel well".
She said, "I couldn't of done it".
And that was that.
I feel like I can be "conversational" with her, without feeling the pull to step in .. and I'd almost rather there be a heads up in my direction in the event of calamity on that end, so I can brace for impact as they say .. when DH then comes at me with a "FOR CHRISSAKES DORKER CAN"T YOU JUST". At least I know it's coming, if it goes that way.
If I cut her out .. and block her texts .. I don't even know there is any issue on that end, .. to know that I'm about to get approached with the "FOR CHRISSAKES DORKER", until there it is ...... in my face, .. and I have consternation and anger and scorn hurled at me, when none of this is my doing.
I think if it goes to blows .. maybe about hurricane season when there is more refusal to budge .. and status quo left as the order of the day .. then .. yes .. it may come to it that there is a huge blow up and less reasoned approach coming from me that they've seen previously and yes .. at that point, block all texts period, .. cut off communication entirely.
But I do feel like .. at this point, .. I can "talk" with her .. outside of the issues I asked her to no longer communicate with me on ....... and not feel a pull to hop on into it, as evidence in yesterday's communication.
We've yet to see what occurs when she is gone.. and then .. MIL is sick or ailing and the text comes flying .. group text to both me and DH .. "Mom doesn't feel well, wonder if one of you has time to go check on her, .. she may need to be seen at the doc .. can you get her there, one of you".
We've yet to see what occurs when that comes flying in, in SIL's absence here and MIL's refusal to get on a plane and find herself in a more supervised setting in her daughter's home.
I can imagine it will go about like this. No response at all, from DH .. who is probably working at that hour.
I will give it loads of time for DH to respond and I won't respond at all.
Finally .. when DH hasn't responded, .. and maybe she sends another text, .. I might then chime in with:
"Maybe you need to ask that neighbor "C" to go check on her, she's right there, or maybe if "C" isn't available, maybe the neighbors across the street".
That might get a response from SIL:
"Oh I don't know if mom would want me sending neighbors over there you know how she is .... and I don't even know if either of them would be able to get her to the doctor if needed, .. I just feel worried that she seems pretty sick, not sure she's able to really adequately deal with it, .. and she .. you know how she is, she won't get herself to the doctor .. just thought if one of you had the time .. ".
I will respond to that, . .maybe even a bit smart azz ... "well there were those church folks also that we've spoken of .. but she hasn't really followed that lead .. to connect with them . I guess .. maybe the neighbors can check on her, I'm off to go to __________ and gotta do __________, talk to ya later".
The above ............ is what you're going to live in this decision you continually make to allow her the (her words) "latitude to chart her own course". So let her chart her own course then.
It was interesting later in conversation with DH .. an elderly guy in our church ... and his wife .. disabled wife .. he is the helpmate to his wife .. who is on a walker .. and more needy than he .. healthwise. The guy .. has been dx'd with some form of cancer and so now will be in need of chemo. The wife .. being as disabled as she is, she doesn't drive .. and so she will be little help to him .. he's the one that cooks in their household, does the laundry, drives, etc. Now he is sick .. and is going to be in need himself .. and the wife ill equipped to help.
A younger guy in our church retired military .. (he has a few loose screws .. but is a good person, this younger guy). He has stepped up in volunteering to drive to chemo . for this elderly guy .. and other incidentals that may be needed by this elderly couple.
DH talking about that.
I responded, "see how nice that works .. Paul is going to need help and he didn't refuse outside help and demand that he will manage on his own .. he allowed that outsiders help .. your mom could benefit from that, .. but thus far has refused".
Deer in the headlights look on DH's face.
***just as a side note .. I've heard nothing further on the church folks that dh has pushed as an offer to MIL .. that they could be of service in some of this need. SIL had mentioned that maybe DH and I could bring them out there to meet her mom .. and I said to her, this was days and days ago .. "Absolutely, get with DH . the two ladies that are spoken of, they are in his Sunday school class he teaches, .. ". Have heard nothing more on it***