I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
You are so kind. I would honestly block SIL's texts from even getting to me.--I HATE texting, so cold. HOW many times did she text you yesterday? 4? 8? I didn't count. I think she was testing you to see if you'd jump and run with food, care, the offer to make it all "OK" and you responded appropriately! Good for you!
And she's leaving in 2 days--the texting will become constant. I hope you can handle it.
IMHO, SIL is still wrangling for you to step back in, more. I'm almost positive that she will land in IL, start wringing her hands and calling MIL all day and we're right back to 11 months ago and the constant drama. I hope I'm very, very wrong.
So--you AND DH were getting all these texts all day and he never even looked at them? Maybe he has a special sound that comes in with SIL'S texts and he knows it's her and he (obviously) ignores her. My DH has a special "ring tone" that alerts him that texts are from work (never ignored) and ones from me (usually ignored). IF it's something SERIOUS, I CALL HIM.
BUT--it sounds like DH is finally aware that on the 4th--all this is squarely in HIS lap and he sounds terrified. I know you mentioned that he might feel judged by his church community if he puts his own mom's name in the "needs help" barrel and everyone who helps will likely be treated to an earful of complaints by MIL about how neglectful he is of his mother. 'Cause, duh, he has been!
The very shaky "support system that SIL has managed to kind of create is going to be interesting to watch as it slowly crumbles....although if you're super lucky, you may actually find some true souls out there who will stay the distance. (I know I myself have been pulled into a LOT of compassionate service situations which were supposed to be "temporary" and quickly became "permanent". It's a hard line to draw in the sand....
I am very proud of you for sticking to your guns. Now the week begins when all this will start, and I hope for your sake, it is not too unpleasant and hard. You ARE going to get a lot of pushback from DH, but like I've said before, it gets rough, you pack your bags and go visit your mom. Let DH see what true servitude is like. Not in a mean way--just to have his eyes opened....really opened!
I also wouldn't worry about anything past about 1 month at a time. MIL is going to run that train off the rails as soon as SIL isn't there propping her up. She's ALREADY sick, and in her, that could be pneumonia or worse very quickly. You know that.
I imagine that pretty soon she will have some serious health issue/fall, wind up in the hospital, and THEN you can voice your opinion (and DH will support you!) in the knowledge that she CANNOT LIVE alone anymore. That's the ONLY way she's going to get help. So sad. She really could be having a "lovely life" if she would just be the tiniest bit flexible.
Your saga has been so sad, so fascinating, so dramatic....but a great story of standing your ground and not backing down. Boundaries.
And through it all, even the anger you feel--you acknowledge that ALL THIS comes from a place of love. I find that just incredible.
You're amazing. Hang in there.
I think the latter plays a larger part in it all, than it did at one time. "Control" of my own life and wants for what my daily life should look like, maybe more the case now.
I think I've firmly wrapped my brain around the whole "safety" piece of it all has been tossed to the wind, and I'm powerless to even worry with that any longer .. as her own offspring seem to toss it to the wind. The possible peril, (probable) that could befall the whole thing .. just .. open the window and let it flow out with the breeze .. no concern there from her offspring .. I've long since come to terms with that, and so it's no longer, for me anyway .. about her safety .. (though that's probably a small part of it). The bigger part, .. for me I think .. is that her lack of any supervised stetting has the real potential (and has at times) to wreck MY WORLD. At one time I was marching to the beat of that drum, in lock step .. and so ... my world was willingly upended at times. But when it became such that my world was upended far too frequently and I began to say that it takes more support. I never dreamed that I'd meet the brick wall in it, that I met.
I don't think it's wrong, this whole "control" thing. I'm no longer trying to "control" what they do with their mom, or what choices she makes. I am only trying to "control" how that impacts my world. I don't see fault in that.
Interesting that I was perusing some of my notes, had kept a rudimentary (when I'd think of it, at the time) journal of sorts .. back before I found this message board and real folks, with real situations to mirror this one .. or worse. I was pursuing thru some rudimentary notes that I'd made as to frustrations with things .. at that time ... it's not at all complete and thorough and so forth . it was just notes I made to myself .. back at that time.
Interesting to read it, and the different approaches from then and now. Back in October 2016 there'd been a horrendous storm that blew through .. a swipe of a hurricane that came by here. We had sheltered MIL .. and while it wasn't a direct hit here .. we did .. here at our house .. we had a tree limb (big heavy one) come down on a piece of privacy fence and rip it up and tore it down .. and we had loads of yard debris scattered (power outage for a few days), so forth.
We hadn't yet gotten a chance to attend to our own yard debacles .. but we returned MIL and poochy to their home. There we found, yard debris, tree limbs (small ones), ... she has a lot of trees .. we do not.. some but not the amount she does. We found yard debris strewn .. (and on the roof) .. probably in the yard . about knee deep ..
We returned her to her home, and the returned to our home .. to begin clean up and the promise to MIL we'd be back to clean it all up. Obviously .. when we got back here, we had a mess of our own to contend with and work to clean up and began in earnest doing so.
I think it took a couple of days to get it all bagged up and DH to get the privacy fence rigged back up until he could get another panel to replace it ..
But then .. with him having missed work because of the storm and the ensuing clean up he was then pushed to resume work .. and so MIL's yard still sitting unattended to.
Yes, she has a yard guy .. but that guy only serves the purpose of riding his mower around to cut the grass .. and edging on occasion . he doesn't do storm clean up.
So the notes I made to myself at that time, reflect relentless pursuit by SIL from afar .. and the frustration thereof .. of her hounding us to the ends of the earth as to when we'd get there to clean up mother's yard .. ya know .. she has nothing to do with herself but sit at her kitchen table and gaze out at the mess .. and it bothers her .. she is saying she hates to bother you guys, knows you're busy .. wishes she could get out there and work on it herself .. I made her promise me (this is all SIL talking, at that time) that she would not do that .......... from the sounds of it, it's a huge mess .. she'd fall for sure ... she doesn't need to be doing that and I made her promise me she won't do it, she'll wait for you guys, but every time I talk to her she mentions it..
This kinda thing was ongoing relentlessly .........
I guess SIL figuring if she put enough of a burr up our backsides we'd somehow find a way to get on it, faster than we were doing at present.
I don't remember, and I didn't make note of it, . .but I suppose I probably climbed up DH's backside several times as this flagpole kept raising and lowering in my hemisphere .. repeatedly.
Well ..........
The difference between then and now.
First off, I've asked SIL at this point to take me out of the loop as to home repair/maintenance issues at this point, .. and so let's hope that kinda thing doesn't come up on my radar in the future.
But .. having lived what I have at this point, complete saturation with all things "need" and MIL .......... I'm quite sure if I had that to do over again, SIL would be told, "okay she promised you she won't, we are aware, we will get to it, as soon as we can .. and if she gets out there in it and falls, .. then .. we'll call 911 or she can press her life alert button .. dont' wanna hear anything more about it .. or you're free to hop on a plane and get down here and get to work on it, . or you can maybe see what you can do from your end, to try to find some yard crew that isn't already swamped with all the clean up here, and they can get there at once, to resolve this .. so you won't "WORRY" she will get out there and try to get at it herself.
This was all October of 2016. I didn't even come here until about this time last year . in 2017 ............. so this has all been ongoing a lot longer than is related here in terms of what has transpired.
I read that kinda thing and I find it absolutely astounding that SIL still finds it suitable to leave her mother ..
Just that kinda annoyance above .. the fact that she'd be so worried that her mom would do something really stupid and try to get out there and wade thru (what ultimately took DH and myself, 2 days and 19 bags worth of yard debris to clean up) .. the fact she'd be that worried, ........... that she'd think that it's suitable to continue to allow status quo. Even still.
I do think, as was said, .. SIL hopes to engage me in it all again. She is sorely lost on that one, it's not going to happen. I am firm .. to not climb that slope again.
I think, blocking all her communication .. via text or whatever .. is something of an ace in the hole at this point .. should she go home later this week and then begin with the gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands and send texts to me, specifically .. on the points I asked her to refrain from doing .. the pet .. the home maintenance issues .. I think that .. will find the ace in the hole of blocked texts entirely.
We will see.
Thinking of you today and wondering is SIL and BIL will actually leave tomorrow. Is MIL still sick?
I, too, am a controller. I want things to be done and not continually fussed about and discussed. I'm waiting for a grandbaby to be born (Fri.) and this little guy's mom doesn't want me to come out for more than a month. (My YD). It's KILLING ME. I have "met" every single grandbaby (even the 4 who were born out of state!) within 48 hrs of their birth. Daughter DOES NOT WANT ME THERE. It's not personal, really, she has a very capable hubby (he's a Dr.) and her MIL is out there---but I can't control anything from here, nor am I trying to, except for getting YD to commit to a date that I CAN come---and she won't. Airfares jumped $50 from yesterday to today for the dates I had planned.
In the end, I will go when she summons. End of story. Here I sit, trying to 'control' how a 40 week pregnant, miserable daughter acts and feels. (Crazy)
I, like you, don't like the waffling and 'shrugging of shoulders' when it comes to making decisions. I'm quick, decisive and yes, probably annoying as all get out--but stuff gets DONE. I know your pain. I have an elderly mother and taking her grocery shopping is like walking backwards through time. How can it take 3 hrs to get $40 worth of groceries?
I'm REALLY sorry that for all the time your SIL has been there, so little has been accomplished. Sometimes I read your posts and find myself grinding my teeth in sympathy for you. So--no POA appointed, MIL still being herself, SIL trying to prop up this broken fence and DH is flying all over the place doing ANYTHING but helping his mom.
Well--I HOPE you have blocked SIL's number. No more frantic texting. And I HOPE DH steps up, but I have this feeling--he won't.
You stay tough. Please don't put one toe into murky waters. The alligator will get you. You are beyond kind to continue with one day of care--I would abandon ship altogether, but you are a better soul than I.
My DH is also a ditherer, won't/can't make decisions and altho he's a brilliant engineer/computer programmer, can't function w/o me guiding his little boat of a life. He gets upset sometimes when I make decisions and go forward with some project, but as I try to explain--getting a new basement door installed isn't rocket science. It's a quick look at doors, decide what works, pay for it, have the dudes install it and then paint it. (I'm only using that b/c yesterday I bought a door we've been discussing replacing for 4 years.) I didn't even tell him and he will not notice.
I guess my advice would be--control what you can, let the other stuff go. Kind of a serenity prayer, but like the one in Seinfeld "SERENITY NOW!!"
Good luck--we're all waiting for the next chapter.
That family is ALL about appearances, aren't they? SiL worries about how the yard looks. DH about "how this looks" to church folks. You've mentioned before about MAIl's predilection to hone in on appearances over substance.
For my money, this goes back to growing up poor and "being in an institution"--AL, hospital or rehab smacks of "the poorhouse" or "the orphanage" which may have been very real threats when she was a girl.
No advice, just some ideas about the source of all this angst that might help in guiding your future conversations with her.
Makes me count my blessings for DD and the fact she lives right here in town .. and is more than willing to "share" her kids, .. almost anytime I wanna take em off her hands, and some times when I don't. LOL.
I'd forgotten to include a little missive as to the October 2016 story and the massive yard clean up.
When we did get back there, to do the clean up, we found a bag laying loose in the yard (yard trash bag) and rake laying on the ground there beside it. Knew we hadn't left it there. Asked MIL about it, and she said she'd gone out there and tried to begin raking it up herself but was swaying so that she knew she'd fall, and so abandoned the project.
Bad and good in that .. bad that she even attempted, ... here her daughter was harranging us to the ends of the earth, for fear her mother would attempt to do so on her own, and fall, and she'd made her mom promise to wait .. her mom didn't (no big surprise).
Good that she did find it more problematic than her suited to handle, and abandoned it.
It's that kinda thing that brought me to where I am today in it all. Ya know, telling us she is taking the dog for a walk. Don't tell us .. you know it will make us nuts .. why tell us, lie to us. But nope. Tell us .. .and that makes us question your sanity.
Tell us that you ate oatmeal and OJ when you're supposed to be on clear liquids and I spent the entire day with you, the day before in the ER to get IV fluids because of dehydration .. and you're told to go home and stay on clear liquids for 24 hours.
Telling us (LIE TO US FOR CRYING OUT LOUD) that you're eating a cracker and a grape for dinner, .. nightly (I'm not a fool, it's okay to eat a cracker and a grape on occasion .. and no harm/no foul) but nite after nite after nite .. no . that's not okay.
Ya know, it's just really stark .....
I was at a church function today and the lady that I mentioned earlier, she's elderly .. on a walker .. and her husband is her ability to function, literally. That husband now dx'd with cancer and will have an uphill battle .... and who knows if he will survive it, and what will become of this elderly disabled woman.
It was just stark to me today ..
Of course, I don't know the inner workings of their lives day in and day out, nor do I know their offspring and the frustrations they may experience in their elderly problems and in this newest turn in the road for them.
But .. it just struck me, being around them today. The man of that couple is 87 years old .. and he is the true helpmate to his wife. In fact, that wife .. the disabled wife .. she and I have talked previously about DH's mother and that situation and she'd said (this was months ago, before her husband's dx)... she'd said, "her words, .. "well I can only live here because P (her husband) helps me, he does everything .. I wouldn't be able to stay here if it weren't for him, I need too much help".
Talking with him .. .he's 87 years old .. and apparently has all his faculties about him .. and obviously he isn't playing games (or one would imagine he isn't) with his offspring from afar (their offspring don't live here local) .. and telling them that he's eating the wrong things, . or walking a dog . or any other of the foolish crap that MIL pulls.
It just struck me as yet more of a nail in the coffin, proverbially speaking . as to my willingness to even care about MIL's situation.
MIL is one year older than this gentleman. And I realize people are different . and ailments are different, and personalities, etc. I get all that. But just the stark difference in MIL and all the crap she pulls ... with not taking her meds .. and the resultant fall out of that .. repeatedly .. the crap listed above and more. ... and you just kinda sit back and watch/observe all this in comparison and you just think .. "ya know, I'm just so done with all this horsechit ......... I'm really just so done with it". It doesn't have to be the way that MIL has made it and I'm just so done with it .. and her selfishness and the impact her lousy decisions have on all those around her.
Interesting that this morning (bear in mind it has always kinda fallen to me, thru the 40 years I've known these folks) I'd always be the one to drive to the airport to go get SIL and her hubby, as well as drive them there to depart. No real reason .. don't know why it kinda fell to me all these years, but that was always fine.
So, knowing she and he are to fly out tomorrow, having heard nothing of any request to accommodate above .. I sent her a text to ask if they need a ride to the airport tomorrow.
She answered that no .. the neighbor to MIL had mentioned an UBER driver they've used before and know to be reliable/responsible .. and her not knowing if I'd be busy, she'd gone ahead and set up to have the UBER driver get them there.
That's the first time in the 40 years I've known them, that the above has occurred.
I'm not quite sure, but I'd be willing to bet .. that SIL is .. still upset with me .. and there is some anger/hostility there for my lack of support in all this charade. Shame that the dial of chagrin and disdain points in my direction .. and I become the subject of same, .. because I point out the Emperor has no clothes.
She texted back that she and B were to go for last minute groceries and so forth, and that she was taking her mom for a re-check this afternoon .. at doc. And that she was going to ask if they'd assign a home health nurse to come and check on her.
I never responded to it.
She texted later, . later in the afternoon (group text to both DH and myself) that she'd come in from the doc, and that MIL's lungs are clear, .. there is no CHF at issue .. and they didn't feel any necessity to assign a home health nurse to come by.
I simply responded, "Good news, .. sounds like she'll be just fine". She sent another text, with crossed fingers .. and I never responded anymore.
She is to leave tomorrow .. and I don't even know what time really, don't care.
So I will now set my mind on figuring out the words to say to MIL when I do contact her for a sit down face to face with her.
I know what I'd like to say .. which would blow the thing sky high and I don't wish to do that. But I have to find the PC way to say the things that I need to say to her .. without being hurtful and overly punitive but getting my point across to her that I will be available one morning a week and that my expectation is that she get some organization to what her need may be for that time frame .. as any other needs .. add-ons .. will be added to the list for the next week and/or addressed by others. Need to speak to her about her "oh so hurt feelings" about how she felt she was treated during the hurricane .. and speak to that issue. Sounds like she expects some explanation as to my whereabouts this last several months and her perception of that .. is one of .. "I love her like a daughter, always have and I just couldn't understand .. where did she go, what did I do ..". Somehow in that .. I have to scoot under the wording and make her understand that while I do love her too, her needs are too great. And that I'm pleased she is now seeing that and reaching out to others .. as to some of that need (though I don't hold a lot of hope those "others" are going to be viable solutions for varying reasons .. but not my horse to pull). I wont' impart that last part to her .. I will just let her know that I'm glad that it appears she is now recognizing that she does need more help .. but gotta find the words to say to her where I've been .. words that don't impart "because you're a HUGE Burden I could no longer carry you crazy ole Batt".
I am sorry if I have offended any one, I just don't think that a husband should be sacrificed because he wants to make his choice about his mother, nothing says a parent gets to take over your adult life, not in scripture any way.
Stand beside him and encourage him to let her deal with the consequences of her selfish choices, he will thank you for it.
For many years .. he had nothing to do with it .. I was more in touch with his mother and his sister, by far, than he .. by a long shot. And so I was in the know .. (he was oblivious to it all). I was stepping and fetching with the best of step n fetchers. Until it got to be too much. And I said so. To deaf ears in every corner. Even his ears. And he continued to throw me in the line of fire on it all. Until I finally said *enough, no more*.
I no longer harangue him about what he does or doesn't do with regard to his mom. I truthfully, don't care anymore, whether he does or doesn't do. Obviously, he's not gonna, for whatever his basis. That's not on me, any longer, to argue with him about it. If his sister and his mom find displeasure in his lack of engagement, they can take up that torch and get with him. Thus far, they haven't. Just snide remarks that get made, .. and he's not one to pick up on snide remarks.
BarbBrooklyn, yes I was for .. oh I don't know, 4 or 5 months .. helping DD to get her footing .. it did take a while. Beyond that, .. no .. she had it .. and still does .. like a pro. I'm still kind of on call for DD and my g'kids, .. I always will be. They will always take precedence .. over MIL and her needs, hands-down. Always. We've just been thru flu season .. and her kids being sick some, which also called me to the front to help her .. and my job .. and so yes I've been busy .. but I don't even feel as though I have to "account" for my whereabouts in truth.
But one can't put forth that kinda sentiment "you want to know where I've been?!?!?!, what's it to you?!?!?!? I haven't had to answer that kinda question since I was a teen and I'm not gonna start now". Not a very friendly way to put things.
I gotta find the wording, and I will.
What I'd like to say (also can't be said) .. "I was and still am sick of your chit .. and so this is the result, you don't see much of me, start liking it".
Where I have been, in truth:
Helping with g'kids and daughter
Managing my own household
Helping DH with his biz
Helping at my church
Helping my mom with her move
Housing and visiting with my mom in her transition before her move
Training for that new job
Working that new job
And yes .. I'd like to remind her .. "it was stated before the babies were born, what my path would be .. I turned in my resignation to all things need in this corner, did you forget".
Yes MIL we did used to visit and enjoy one another's company and go to art festivals and movies and out to lunch and so forth. But that ship sailed a long long time ago. If you remember, .. you long ago got to where you couldn't get out and do much .. and so it then gravitated to a scene where your needs took precedence, between your doc appts., your lab tests, your procedures, your groceries, your incidentals, your dog needs .. and that is what it finally evolved to .. and it got to be more than I could do, and manage the above and I said so .. ".
Ya know, does it not dawn on anybody that SIL comes here .... (which I'm sure is fraught with it's own headaches of massive proportion) .. she comes here .. pauses her life in IL .. and rides the roller coaster of all things *need* on MIL's front. Used to be for two or three weeks, she'd be here on that hamster wheel. In the last couple of years as different calamities have surfaced .. she has stayed longer and longer, pausing her life in IL.
It's not at all, like she comes here and helps MIL weather a small procedure and is off and gone again, or sitting back eating bon bons on the beach .. no .. she is here ... running full tilt .. while here.
WHO CAN DO THAT ON ANY SUSTAINED BASIS? Paid/hired help yes. BUT WHO CAN DO THAT, and manage their own life somehow?
She has the benefit when she is doing the above .. either her husband is here with her, and he is taking care of some of that "need" on the front here, or he is at her home, managing that front, while she is running that hamster wheel ever harder here on the front.
WHO CAN DO THAT?
I sure can't. DH has shown he aint gunna!
That should be enough, that should show MIL if she has any awareness around it all, and she should (I've been told she's fine .. she manages) .. shouldn't SHE SEE that ....??!!? Shouldn't SIL see that .....
Is about what I'd like to also impart to MIL. Doesn't matter .. in the end, I'm going to do what I say which will be CONSIDERABLY less than what has been seen in the past. The rest of it will fall however it falls.
No no no!
Write this on your heart:
NEVER APOLOGISE, NEVER EXPLAIN.
When you next go to see MIL, you are light and breezy and warm and affectionate. You are there because you want to see her, not because you owe her time or explanations, let alone apologies or excuses. Should she ask (bet she won't, not specifically), you haven't been there because you have been extremely busy. You stay as long as suits you, you talk about family news and current events, then you hug her and you leave.
Your relationship with her is now fundamentally different from what it was, thanks to your own successful efforts.
You are no longer a substitute daughter. You are a loving friend, there because you care ABOUT her, not FOR her. You are not there for duty, but for love and auld lang syne.
You can add fun, interest and affection to her day. If the visit stops being fun, you still hug her and you leave. Superficial? Sure. It's decoration, it's extra flavour, you're enriching her life. The *business* end of her life and her care management is not for you to deal with.
If Narcissa is unpleasant to you, tries drama, "whoops, there's my phone. Gotta run, see you next week".
Rinse, repeat. Until she gets it.
#1) Block SIL’s texts. If she whines that you’ve made it impossible to “just reach out, be a friend, yada yada,” stay strong and STAY QUIET. Do not explain yourself. You & SIL have nearly 40 years of shared history, vacations, holidays. As soon as the going got tough, SIL downgraded you to “choreminder.” No need to repeat. No need to remind. SIL can (and will) find someone else to bear witness to her insecurities, hand-wringing and ineffective noise. Staying out of it means Staying Out Of It.
#2) Yes, deploy a fake phone call/text to short-circuit every time MIL wants to poke the bear. Her lack of self-awareness runs deep. Her lack of “other” awareness runs just as deep. Do not explain your position on anything that got her nose out of joint. Act like it didn’t happen. (Which dovetails nicely with the ILs’ long-standing campaign of acting like you are not a person.) Simply move forward in a “friend” capacity. That’s more than generous of you, considering the history here. During any visit, the first snipe/whine/dig from MIL is the last, cuz you and your fake phone emergency are out the door. Every time.
Good luck and stay strong. Self-preservation is not a one-time decision; it needs to be fed and fueled. Focus on YOUR stuff. (((Big hugs!)))
Also, I still think your husband has been trying to put up boundaries against his mom all these years, but they have been passive ones and at your expense, since he pushed you into taking his place. I understand your frustration with him, and I'm glad you are not nagging him about his lack of involvement anymore.
I'm in fact, gonna google how I can set a timer of sorts .. to actually buzz me (just not techie enough to know how to do it, but I will get it figured out).
I don't expect any pitchforks and clubs will be brought forth by MIL. I figure she's intuitive enough to know if that were the case, I could easily turn and walk away from all of it, entirely and there'd be no budging me back into any of it. She does have that much insight.
No, what will happen, most certainly is the drama machine will kick on.
Me: "Hi MIL .. so good to see you up and about .. I know it's been a real nightmare".
MIL: (giving her time to unload a bit on the uphill battle it's been to fight back from her injury) .. "yes you know, that was just horrible, nobody knows .. just how bad it was .. I thought I was going to die .. in fact, I wished at times I could, just go on and die, but here I am .. I'm still here .. for God knows what reason".
Me: "well .. what a fighter you are, amazing! Listen ... so .. sounds like you've got some irons in the fire as to some folks that are gonna be helping you with some things and that sounds great .. great plan.. what I'd like to do .. going forward .. think we could go ahead and set up maybe one morning a week that I could carve out some time to help you in some ways ... I"m thinking maybe Thursdays work best for me, .. but ya know I do generally go pick up "L" on those days .. and spend some time with her, so I would l have to really set some limitation there around it .. but ya know, if you need me to pick up things for you, .. or just come visit .. I'd love that, how's that sound?".
***now the drama starts in earnest***
MIL: (a big harumph and a bewilderment being evidenced). "Ya know Dorker, I have really struggled with trying to understand where did you go .. I mean .. you know .. I have always .. J and I both (her husband) we always thought of you as another daughter, and we used to spend a lot of time together .. and you were here a lot .. and then suddenly you were just gone ... and I have struggled to understand it all, .. and what did I do ...??......I mean .. does she not care anymore .. what did I do?".
***now is where I need some pointers as to what to do next, I don't want to fall into the drama drain .. nor do I want to have to explain myself to someone that I, at this point, consider, .. in a sense .. not really worthy of my having to do so***
Me: "well if you'll remember ... I did tell you as we were approaching the birth of the twin g'kids .. that my life was going to turn in that direction .. and it did .. in a huge measure .. and for quite a while .. and beyond that I had some training to do for my job .. some of it at home on the laptop .. but some of it a the site .. and .. then of course, assignments there as to working that job .. and of course my mom was moving so spending some time with her . and as always spending time with my g'kids .. and managing my own household and helping DH with the biz needs and my church involvement .. life gets busy ya know .. so how does that sound .... think that's gonna work ... maybe on Thursday mornings .. how does Thursdays work for you?".
***more stammers and stutters as she now pours on the drama drip****
MIL: "well I know you guys are all so busy .. I know that .. and ya know I really try not to call upon any of ya ... and I try to do the very best that I can ... and do everything I can to keep myself healthy .. I know that I must .. "
**on and on it goes .. and my mind flashes of course to the stupid chit she repeatedly does .. all while saying out of one side of her mouth how she always does all she can to keep herself healthy that *she must do so* .. and I'm now circling the drain .. being sucked into the drama***
What she wants at this point is that I take her aged hand and hold it and caress it ever so softly and assure her that we are all so aware of what a struggle it must be for her, and we hate it .. and we want to do ALL that we can to help her .. she means so very much to all of us.
The above is about a picture of what it would play out if she could have her druthers.
I don't intend to circle that drain .. of drama.
No.
In fact, .. I need to have my phone set for about 10 mins to buzz .. so that I can then say, "oh geeze there's my phone .. well hey gotta run .. and give that some thought on the Thursday thing and let me know .. and we'll fine tune the finer points of it all later, gotta run, bye".
The above hasn't at all addressed my atonement (or so she would see it) as to the great hurricane debacle of 2017, .. where I'd been so rude and crass with her.
That too, will get brought up as the drama pool begins filling and possibly swallowing me whole in it ....
MIL: "and ya know.. I have thought about it and thought about .. and I you know, I want you to be aware .. I'm sure you've heard it from some of the others .. you know I was really very hurt .. when I stayed at your house to shelter from that hurricane .. you know I have really struggled and studied . that whole thing .. and why you just seemed so uncaring . and so aloof and you just .. I don't know Dorker .. you really kind of made it such that I didn't feel welcome there at all, .. I couldn't for the life of me figure out why you were being just kind of rude and distant and I don't know, what did I do, did I do something?".
***Now the whole thing .. the whole drama of it all, no stomach for it as far as I'm concerned***
ME: "MIL ya know, those are just really stressful and tension filled, weathering those storms .. and I don't handle em too well .. and so .. from what I hear you and SIL have a plan going forward .. sounds like she intends to come and get you and you'll be in IL and so any storms that get flung this way .. sounds like you'll be away from them . and that sounds like a great plan .. was glad to hear it . now I really .. truly .. I gotta run, talk to ya later".
This little missive will serve to just befuddle and possibly even cause some consternation in the underlying theme of the above is she has no intention of EVER going to IL (is my assessment) and for me to throw that out there and the grand plan that has been presented .. as well as offer up no apology .. and offer to do better next time, the above will likely meet more dialogue as I'm trying now to escape and be on my way.
MIL: "Well I don't know if they all told you, but I just never intend to come to your house again .. that just .. I don't know you made me feel so unwanted and I will not be subject to that ..".
**Trying to run on along now***
ME: "I understand .. that's certainly your decision .. gotta go now, bye bye.
((( You can count on it, take it to the bank, the above will be taken as not hashed and rehashed and resolved and it will rear it's ugly head again .. I suppose .. her ... looking for that all important atonement .. as I return the next week .. raising the topic again. The only thing I know to do at that point is to just divert and dodge and just stick to my story, "yea I know, like I said, those things are just really hard to weather .. they really are tough .. sounds like you guys have a plan going forward and I think that's splendid, so how have you been this past week since I last talked to you".
What she **wants** is that I should come forth with boot licking and a complete, honest, thorough story of the whole thing and nothing but the truth .. where I've been, why I've been so absent .. why I was so rude/aloof when she sheltered here, the whole skinny on it, thru and thru ..
And then she can put forth all her drama .. and the whole "I do the very best that I can", .. and her whole, "This isn't me, this isn't what I'm about .. going to all these doctors ...".
I don't even care to go there .. have heard all of that ad nauseum. Don't even intend to open the door for that dialogue to transpire. Sell that to somebody who hasn't heard it because I know otherwise .. you who fails to take her meds repeatedly and then tells all involved that you will do as you damn well please .. and you who refuses to use your walker, citing you'll do as you damn well please .. so on and so forth.
Not going there, to argue all the finer points.
But OY VEY the drama .. and how to avoid it.
Read some Oscar Wilde if you need to brush up on the art of politely telling someone to pi$$ off.
She lives for drama. She wants/needs a whipping boy. Don't fall for it! YOU'VE done nothing wrong here. Don't explain, just move on.
Drama? Stare at her blankly for a few seconds, incomrehendingly and say " be that as it may", or " going forward, I can carve out 3 hours on Thursday mornings to run errands or visit. You know where to find me. Bye!"
Don't respond to the drama. Just let in lay there.
If she knew that was the drum you were beating every time she complains, I bet she'd stop complaining pretty fast and you might be able to get her to visit one.
Don't apologize. You only did what you said you were going to do. Your DD and the babies needed you more. You said that over and over to the point a completely clueless person would have picked up the clues!!
The ONE TIME my DH MADE me apologize to his mother (for something I had not done) she turned on me like a snake. I wound up with her absolutely ripping me to shreds. Again--I had not done ANYTHING--but DH thought this would "clear the air". Ha. I've never had a "real" conversation with her since. Apologizing when it's legitimately necessary is one thing--"fake apologizing" just puts you in the hot seat. It sets you up for the "all clear" that they can just rip into you, nonstop b/c you have shown your soft side. ( A kinder person would simply accept an apology and move on, never mentioning it again--that won't happen with MIL)
DO figure out how to set your phone to buzz--I set mine through the "clock" setting and I can have it ring, or buzz whenever I want. You pre-program it beforehand, and there it will sit, after 15-20 minutes, buzzing away. AND mine will continue to "remind me" over and over until I turn it off. I use it when a particularly needy neighbor comes over to whine. Works great.
Just tell MIL the facts. You stepped out b/c you had other more pressing responsibilities. Those still exist--oh, and you started working--and throw in that you are just feeling your age (I have no idea how old you are, but feel free to use that!)..the offer for ONE morning of errand running for her is brilliant, but let her know it can only be the one morning, as your life is so much more complex and busy than it used to be. Tell her "my life has done a 180 and I need to go with the flow. It's gotten much more complicated".
As far as the Hurricane--well, I wouldn't apologize for that other than to say "I am sorry YOU chose to feel put out and neglected. I was worried about so many people, and my home and yours and DH out driving around in that storm! I didn't worry about you b/c I knew you were safe here."
IF she chooses to hash that out again, just refuse to engage. Just...don't. Silence will be your best friend.
Already knowing she's going to be full tilt into herself, you're prepared. Compliment her on accepting outside help and wish her the best with that. Tell her how much more independent she'll feel!
AS far as her saying she'll never come to your house again--well, that's HER choice. She's going to miss all the family stuff, but stick to your guns. She's just manipulating you, and do not fall for it. My MIL has not been inside my home for well over 10 years. I am not allowed in hers. The world still rotates!
Hopefully you can do all if this with love--I have been so amazed by your capacity to see that MIL is not trying to drive y'all crazy. And that in spite of everything, you do, in fact love her very much. A lesser person would have walked away in anger and disgust years ago and cut all ties. That's not you.
Good luck with this.
And PLEASE---disconnect the texts from SIL. Simply do NOT answer them or respond. She's pretty dense when it comes to subtlety--meaning she doesn't GET IT. DH can field all her texts.
However, IMHO when it comes to your MIL, the less words from you the better. She will have less to chew on.
Like CM said, no explanations, no apologies. Answer in a way that will close down potential drama drips as you put it. Something like: "Ohhhh, sorry you feel that way. That was a difficult time for all of us. I'm here now and I can help you with xyz if you like. I can come every Thursday (or day of your choice) morning to help you again."
Then, go do the xyz things she needs. Stay out of her way. When done, give her a hug or kiss and leave. Basically, do what your DH does. Get the job done and leave.
When she's ready to be more pleasant then you can have lengthy conversations with her.
Also, you can set your timer or appointment reminder to buzz or ring like a call. Your phone should have many options to choose from.
She would have a field day with all this .. and have quite the funny twist to it all.
SIL is to fly out at some point today. Don't know what time, that's being handled at this point by the UBER driver.
I'll set my mind to reach out to MIL in the next day or so, absent SIL's presence there to run interference for her mother and all her excuses .. and will set something of a time that MIL and I can visit momentarily.
And then steel myself for the divert, subversion, and duck and dodge, and wait for the phone to buzz . indicating it's time for me to head off.
Perfect analogy, just as DH does.
It was very telling just pondering mine and SIL's conversation. There are two philosophies, approaches to all this, they couldn't be any wider. My approach one of, she wants the independence she touts .. give it to her, whole .. give it to her. She's gonna sit there with no way to figure the many needs in her life. And ultimately the result will be, she will arrive at the conclusion she does indeed need a lot of help, when there's no one there to speak to it.
SIL's approach .. allow her mom the (as she put it) "dignity to chart her own course" .. translation - I'll go away again and live my life and then bug the crap outta everyone within mom's hemisphere to step to it ..
Will actually be kinda comical to me .. this whole phone buzzer thing. I won't openly laugh out loud . but I will inside. These smartphones are the bane of MIL's existence .. she gets so incensed at everyone always with their faces in their phones .. SIL included.
I don't like it either, if I happen to be talking to someone and they are more interested in their phone than what is in front of them .. I get it. I dislike that also. But .. she finds fault that we all have to have our phones in our face, ALL THE TIME. That isn't the case, otherwise how would any of her many needs get met .. and they do get met .. if all we ever did, any of us, is have a phone stuck in our face all the time.
That part, I admit ........ I kinda will look forward to with a bit of a sinister giggle .. the very fact that the object I know she so loathes .. as a distraction to any conversation will sound off, prompting my exit. Gotta laugh at that.
If you use your phone for an alarm clock that would be an easy place to set up a timed ring, buzz, vibrate to happen. Or the most annoying noise that is available!
It reminds me of one of the many times my mom was not speaking to me. She is a classic narcissist. Well - i let her know that i would be in her town and could i stop by to say hi (after six months nuclear winter - no calls, no nothing - that would "show" me). She expected boot licking and groveling. She wanted to be drama mama - sobbing about how I had hurt her feelings, yada yada yada. I arrived with some of her favorite coffee beans (not an i'm sorry gesture, but a how are you gift) and we made coffee. As soon as she started in on the drama i turned the subject cheerfully (as recommended to Dorker above) over and over to my mom's many efforts to turn the conversation to my transgressions.
By not playing ball - getting defensive, trying to explain my side of the story, etc - there was nothing to latch on to to up the drama and emotion. How frustrating for her!
Finally - she stood up and interrupted me and started to cry and tried to bring up what ever issue(s) had lead to nuclear winter. I said "sorry you feel that way, it has been good to see you - oops look at the time, gotta run" hug, cheerful wave and out the door.
Lather, rinse, repeat. After many years and many more silent treatments - she knows that if she starts in on the drama, i exit. And she has really held back the drama and we actually have some good visits. Her sense of humor comes out and we have some laughs.
Good luck to you - we are waiting for the next episode. Poor MIL - getting ready for the martyr act only to have no audience. The courageous, old, wise soul with down-home advice - only to have no audience. I feel a wicked glee and know i am so going to $#@@.
Maybe it's in part, because we're all taught to "respect our elders". And so in extending that respect, .. we get to where we must listen to what they have to say and not be dismissive and rude.
Seems she sees herself as far more revered than I think her worthy of, at least IMO, particularly more so in these later years.
That's the thing with her, if I even open the door an inch to the drama of her as she begins her long drawn out points of how she must do all she can to care for herself and remain healthy and that she does do so .. and that she doesn't call upon us .. only unless she has to .. and on and on and on.
Can't even let that door open. I happen to know the above is not what actually transpires in her daily life, having lived the fallout from it. She might wish that, and hold herself in high regard as to the honorable intention mentioned .. but .. she doesn't live it/walk it, daily, not at all.
Go there and allow her that platform, she'll be off for the races with it all.
I think of myself, as a pretty good listener .. for the most part. So it won't be my nature to cut someone off and just divert and side-track and gleefully act as though I'm moving onto the next topic without fully having addressed the topic at hand.
New skills, we can all learn them. My turn to learn a few new ones.
I was pondering if I should do as DH does (he does it to me, to anyone) .. I can be talking up a blue streak and I look over and he has dozed off. Happens all the time.
Does that with his mom .. she complains that she talks to him and he dozes off. Don't take it personal MIL .. happens to all of us.
Maybe that's the approach I should take, . just kick back and take up his seat he uses when he goes there, the recliner (I never sit in it) .. recline back and when the onslaught commences, she can then look at me, snoozing.