I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
DH was out there yesterday to take lunch to her/visit her.
It's just the irony of it all. Him expressing some slight frustration. His words: "I go out there, just simply to have lunch with her and visit for a bit .. and it's like she thinks she has to come up with something I need to be doing for her .. I have to "DO" something .. not just visit .. but she conjures up something I need to actually "DO".
He goes on to describe ....
Out in the very back perimeter of her b'yard is a chain link fence. Along that fence, .. used to be some pretty unruly dogs lived back there on the other side of that fence (back neighbors). They have long since moved, there are no pets that reside there, haven't been for quite some time. BUT .. when they did live there, routine fights between MIL's dog and their dogs .. at that fence line. Long, long ago .. those dogs on the other side tore at the chain link fence and dug holes underneath and so forth .. and were able to enter MIL's b'yard and the dog fights that would ensue.
Someone, somewhere in all of that, .. had some broken cinder blocks or whatever and lined that area, .. where those unruly dogs had torn up the bottom of the fence and dug holes under the fence line. Long ago, this was done.
It's along the back perimeter of that fence line behind some shrubbery and some other foliage that isn't really even visible .. unless one walks back there to that fence line. It's that far back.
So yesterday, .. with ... I guess, MIL and her thinking she has to conjure up something for DH to "DO" .. she asked him would he walk back there to that fence line, to take a look at that area, wants to make sure those cinder blocks are still in place or whatever, to make sure no animals come under that, to get at her dog.
DH: "Mom .. there are no dogs living there, haven't been for years".
MIL: "I know, but it just worries me, I'm concerned about it".
DH: "Why, why does that concern you? Your dog ain't getting out ... he knows where his bread is buttered, he's staying right here .. so he's not gonna go digging out there, why does it bother you, do you see it, is it unsightly to you".
MIL: "Well no, I can't see it, .. and ya know .. the only way I could look is to get out there to it and you know, I don't have a prayer of being able to get back there".
DH: "ok mother, .. I'll go look at it".
DH reports that it's just as it was years ago .. the broken cinder blocks placed there by someone, still in place .. no evidence of any pets in that specific yard to cause problems by moving said cinder blocks.
DH just expressing that little slight frustration in what was to have just been, just a visit .. pick up lunch, have lunch with her, .. and just visit.
All I could think was, .. yep .. I get it, that's frustrating .. why even concern yourself with something you don't see .. isn't unsightly and bothersome .. and there are no pets on the other side of the fence to cause possible peril as to your pet .. and ... so let it go, why even bother anyone with it.
But further, my thoughts .. thank the heavens above there was no circutous text from SIL, to me, to then relay to DH .. as it used to be, far too frequently, "Mother is worried .. that fence line ...." blah blah blah. Nope. If she's even mentioned that as a concern to her daughter .. and I don't know that she has .. but if she has .. it didn't come via me, to nag at DH to go see about it.
Hallelujuah!
So, things are "all good" here, .. settled, at least for now. Fingers crossed. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before it's some other issue .. that is *earth shattering* that must be looked after .. or so it would be perceived by MIL or SIL (but it better not come via me . and a text).
Drives him crazy and I have to really remind him over and over he needs to see his mother more often, but he just...can't. Luckily she has his sister, whom she greatly prefers. His older brother is not speaking to her anymore.
Hope your MIL will go to the church ladies' function and hopefully make a friend or two. I imagine she's a very difficult friend....but it would be nice if she could reach out to others in a positive way.
Hope for a calm Sunday and calm week.
She loves to tell the story of when she was the Sect'y to some Dean of something at the local college .. and how the kids there (college kids, young adults) thought so much of her, and found in her a confidant of sorts .. and that has lended itself to a more open view than that of people her age, on many social/cultural issues.
Went from that into real estate sales and the many different personalities and stories encountered there, and how she was the best of the best, at going in and actually rolling up her sleeves to clean up houses, etc., to make them ready for show and from there onward to a management position .. and ultimately burn out ..
At that point, she burnt out .. on management, left that field. Then went .. actually .. to a place where my daughters were attending a pre-k program .. a little pre-school .. and ingratiated herself into that setting, working herself into a little p/t job in the afternoons as *homework help* for school age kids when they'd get dropped off by the school busses in the afternoon. That she will tell anyone that listens .. makes her now a former "teacher". Uhm, .. not quite .. but okay .. if that's your story and you're sticking to it, .. whatever.
Re-writing her history ... is an accurate portrayal.
There is actually some movement on the front with the ladies of our church that have that ministry to help the elderly and sick. MIL had expressed, when I sat down to visit with her, that she does want to connect with those ladies and I told her I'd speak to DH about getting in touch with them. He did so this morning.
They have asked me to come to a meeting with them, so that I can enlighten them on some of her needs and so forth, which I'm set to do later this week.
I'm pleased beyond measure that is now actually beginning to come together, or so it seems. I don't know, in the end, of course, .. how it will all work out, or if she will find fault (as she does with most things that aren't about her and her holding court) .. but one can hope.
I still fervently believe she does not need to be living alone .. with every fiber of my being .. I believe that.
She needs far too much support.
But I will at least, go through the motions of setting in place for her, .. as best I can .. from arm's length .. whatever that support might look like. As is the case, with this ministry at our church .. .and hope for the best there.
It still hangs on me (though I will not be stepping into the fray on it). This ministry that I refer to, they will help with things (at least to my knowledge) errands, doc visits, etc (some, not all) .. they will visit, that kinda thing. But they aren't going to be the sort that will sit vigil with MIL when she is ill or injured .. and nurse her along.
There is NO ONE to address that. Not a soul.
So, that still hangs as I watch from afar .. her out there living alone, holding my breath til the next fall (a fall that isn't one that renders her hospitalized, but enough that she can't ambulate) or the next illness .. (yet another illness where she doesn't adequately care for herself, to nurse herself back to health).
I won't be sitting vigil . and I haven't for many months .. and that ministry I refer to, they aren't going to be an entity that speaks to that need.
I'm setting my mind in the spot, she will have to do as best she can, in the event of the above .. on her own (that's her wish, to be left there alone) .. and when the condition or ailment or whatever it is .. when it gets to the point she is now sicker or whatever, then 911. That's all I know to do.
It won't be like it was for so long, me sitting vigil during the day to attend to her, and DH at night. If he wants to go at night to do so, he'll be doing so without prompt from me. If he doesn't .. he won't be hearing any nagging on this front to go do so.
Just one more reason she should not be living alone. Most likely, she will fall or something will happen that will wind her up in the hospital. Only then can you actually facilitate something---but as you well know, that's iffy.
HOPEFULLY she won't scare the church ladies off and she'll find their compassionate service to be rooted in faith and love. Maybe, she'll even make a friend or two.
Yep--my MIL is a real pill. But she's NOT in my life, at all, per her request, so I can sit back and ignore her completely.
I've done that when my mom was in ICU, on a BI-Pap machine and we were told that she wouldn't make it through the night.
I did it on the third day of hospice services when we were told mom was "actively dying".
"Vigil" means that you are waiting for someone to pass, or that someone is in an extremely fragile state. It does NOT apply to all folks in hospitals. In my view, sitting in a hospital room with someone who is sick and supposed to be getting well is counter-productive.
Just a message from the outside world here; things may be viewed differently in your family.
When I say "vigil", I'm referring to for instance:
At times when she is ill or injured .. staying there .. with her. At her house, so she will
a) eat the right things
b) Not eat the wrong things
c) Help her to get around/ambulate to be able to get up and do things, such as eat, go to the bathroom, etc.
d) Take her meds at designated intervals and with food if required
That's a better synopsis of what I refer to as sitting "vigil".
Or, when in the hospital, being there as advocate for:
a) Gee, your water pitcher is getting warm, let me go refill it for you, seems like it takes forever for staff to come around to do so.
b) Man oh man, they said forever ago they were coming to get you for "x" procedure/test, .. wonder what's keeping them, let me go check on that for you, since the nurses, when they come, they say they'll check on it, but they never come back
c) Oh you have to use the bathroom? That blasted bed alarm, let me see if I can get someone in here, I know you rang them 3 or 4 minutes ago, and no one has come yet
d) "Well, what the doctor said was ___________ and ___________ and we'll need to wait to see what they say when they send in "x" specialist what they want to do, .. remember we can't answer that until we talk to so and so specialist and see what they want to do (sort of acting in a capacity to help her to understand/comprehend the goings on).
These (and more) are the kinds of things I'm referring to when I say "sit vigil".
i.e., things not necessary for those firing on all cylinders and capable of living on their own.
All this does is tell staff at the hospital that she has someone available for constant supervision both " in-house" and at home. It gets her less care. And less attention at discharge.
I think the fact that my brother, SIL and I would rush in for a ten minute visit after work, grab the nurse for a rundown on what was going on, get the doc on the phone for an update on their findings, indicated to staff that we were busy, employed people without the leisure to "hang around".
I could be wrong. But maybe try it next time. And certainly not at home. That's DH's job.
I know over the summer, when she'd been hospitalized ... and generally speaking .. anytime there is ailing ongoing ... be that injury/illness/hospitalization .. someone in attendance, "hovering". She'd been hospitalized for that UTI .. and ... the bed alarm .. the dreaded, pesky bed alarm ... I'd not been there, as I was here, with her dog .. and running to and fro (this is the setting where I'd already made my exit from the whole scene MIL and all her *need* but was called to the front again .. and caved). I'd not been present at that specific setting .. running to and fro however. And she'd called for assistance to get out the bed to go to the bathroom, they never came (who knows, maybe they were getting there as fast as they can) .. but she wet herself, the bed, etc.
The above happened 2 x's.
The indignity of it all.
I realize hospitals are well equipped to deal with these things and more ... and they did .. they cleaned her up .. helped her get changed, changed the bed linens, etc etc.
To her credit, she didn't point the finger, in a ".....if only you'd of been here" ... but ... you would've thought that the most horribly embarassing, most undignified/humiliating thing has occurred to her ..
So, for this reason .. along with the other reason she cites ... she'd had assistance to get up from the bed to go to the bathroom .. and was told (she needed to move her bowels on this occasion) .. she'd been told by staff .. "we'll leave you alone and step outside here, but call us when you're ready to get up .. let us clean you up .. let us take care of that, we don't want you leaning over without support .. don't get up until you've called us".
She didn't call them .. she got up .. not wanting the indignity of having someone wipe her behind ...
They caught her
A huge fuss was made (understandably so, they don't want the liability of her falling on their watch), they did scold her and .. (who knows, she has a flare for drama) sounds like they were harsh about it, with her (rightfully so, IMO).
So between the two above scenarios .. she will not return to that specific hospital .. at how they treated her with no respect, no dignity, blah blah blah.
................and of course in the b'ground of all this, you have SIL ... with the mantra it's never MIL's fault ... poor mom .. why didn't they come .. she called them, .. why didn't they come .. how embarassing for her, .. they should really treat people better than that .. that's not right .. leave them lay there .. and then they wet themselves .. how horrible .. (feeds the drama).
The hospital setting in question, is a fine hospital .. not known for mismanagement and so forth.
It just is what it is .... people mess their beds routinely I'm sure in hospitals .. it is what it is..... Being someone (me) of sound mind, .. I wouldn't want to lay there in the hospital bed either, and wet all over everything and then have to have someone come clean all that up and so forth. BUT .......... I also have some realization around the fact, it happens. Her, ... not in her right mind, IMO.
And then SIL feeding that drama.
How would the above looked, had someone been there in attendance .. supervising .. hovering.
Exact same thing likely.
Even if I'd of been there, ... I could've gone down the hall, "hey do you mind if I disarm that bed thing and get her to the bathroom .. ".
No mam, we can't let you do that, we'll be right there. Then they don't come .. same thing happens.
But .. there is no inference in it all, .. "poor mom, wish I'd of been there .. I could've maybe got someone in there faster".
The result, .. she won't go to that hospital again .. and has directed all involved, .. if she has to be taken to a hospital, that specific hospital is off the list of options.
In fact, when she fell, another hospitalizatin subsequent to the one above .. she directed to be taken to "xyz" hosital .. which is further away .. and they did so, the ambulance drivers.
She already has one crossed off her list, as it's where her husband lingered in his dying days .. and the trauma of all that .. she doesn't ever wanna step foot in that hospital again, ever.
Now she's crossed off another one, due to the indignity and humiliation experienced there.
She only has two options left .. one where she was directing to be taken this most recent hospitalization .. and she was fine with that one .. but .. some of their billing wasn't covered under her insurance.
She is now left with one option .. as to a local hospital. That's fine .. that's what she'll do if she's coherent enough to direct that.
Or .......... as has been the case with someone in attendance, hovering .. when she has fallen and can't ambulate well, or is sick.
She doesn't eat right, eats the wrong things .. if she does eat .. doesn't take her meds .. doesn't hydrate .. etc etc.
So, someone there "hovering" .. "here you must keep drinking .. remember, you've got to stay hydrated here, take another sip". "here .. you can only have dry toast and a banana, see if you can have a bite or two of this .. and maybe for lunch we'll step it up a notch and you can have some jello".
If no one is there to do the above .. it doesn't get done. Call and ck on her, .. no she hasn't even been out of bed at all ... no she hasn't eaten anything .. no she'll work on it, she doesn't have anything to drink ..
DH's job indeed. But he cannot be there .. to "hover" over the above scenarios day in and out .. he is working. He doesn't have a job where he can put in his leave slip with the supervisors and be gone for a week, to go hover with his mom and her ailing. It's not an option for him.
Thus, what you've seen in the past .. me on the scene during the day .. him at night .. and then SIL swooping in, .. on an airplane as fast as she can reasonably get here, which is generally about a week .. maybe less.
That's what I refer to, when I say there isn't a soul here that can speak to the above. At my exit from all this .. I knew the above would be scenarios where I'd no longer be "hovering". I knew that.
Yet here we are .. and nothing has changed .. she still lives alone .. her insistence .. her kids enabling. And nothing has changed as to the above scenarios .. and how she will be handled.
My mindset on it .. is that going forward .. there will in fact, be no one .. I won't be pulled into it .. if she is fine to be left alone ... she can be fine to manage the above .. as best she can (and we know she does not) .. then .. one of two things will happen, somehow she'll get better on her own .. (likely not) .. or she will get worse .. .in which case, she can direct the ambulance drivers as to where she's to be transported.
Thus, it hangs on me .. that specific portion of it all ...
When my DH had his liver transplant, the post op infection, the stroke 9 months later---you bet I "hovered".....but not to the point I was second guessing the drs or nurses or his care. I NEEDED to learn how to care for him, post op. I'm not a nurse, but boy, I could be one now!! He is an expensive animal, that's for sure!
When he had a near fatal motorcycle accident, 5 years ago---I was SO FURIOUS at him, I simply refused to even go to the hospital. I went ONCE, to make sure he was going to live, and the left to take care of my daughter who had given birth to a 10lb+ baby (owie, owie) and had 2 other littles at home. SHE was my focus, not the knucklehead who can't ride a motorcycle anymore. I DID care for him for the 3 months he was in bed post-accident. Didn't hover--as I was seriously considering leaving him over this...and I had ANOTHER new grandbaby and mama to look after.
When I had back surgeries (2) Dh didn't even wait at the hospital. Dr. couldn't find him anywhere. He'd gone to daughter's to sleep. I got 3 days in hospital 'cause the dr knew I had zero support from home.
DH's idea of "hovering". Toss me a can of warm diet Coke and go golfing. 27 holes.
I think that there is a fine balance between "being there" for a sick person and "hovering".
Next time MIL biffs it, let her "cherry pick" her hospital & DO NOT stay with her day and night!! She'll be mad, but she's gonna be made no matter what you do! And of course, if it's noted on her charts that she appears to have very little "support" from family, it will effect the placement at discharge.
"Sit vigil" is a term for drama queens. Trying to reframe what is going on in MIL's life.
Got a text from SIL this morning .. to DH and to me. Group text.
Haven't responded to it, nor has DH (unless a separate one has been sent to solely him and not grouping me in, and I don't know .. don't really care).
Text read as follows:
"Today is the 9th .. would've been mom and dad's anniversary and of course also "J's" bday" (her sister, deceased now 3 or 4 years).
I haven't taken any action at all, no response to SIL, nor a phone call or otherwise to MIL. Have no idea if DH has done so.
My feeling at this point, I am striving to find basic human compassion that has been squelched in resentment in all of this saga that continues .. to this day, ...
This text above .. it used to arrive with a further suggestion from afar ... "maybe if you guys have time .. if you could maybe get her out to lunch or dinner, just anything to give her something to look forward to".
That directive was not included in today's text.
My feeling .. at one time, I did care .. greatly ..
And would hop to as to the above, out of a sincere sentiment of care .. compassion.
I don't necessarily "feel" that anymore.
Her husband has been deceased since 2003 ... (No I haven't worn those shoes .. to know that hurt never goes away .. perhaps .. I dunno).
Her sister (also her bday on the 9th) ......... she has been deceased now 3 or 4 years.
My feeling (though I feel like some kinda monster for feeling that way).
Turn the page. Yes, I'm certain you miss your sister dearly .. and your husband .. (more than I can imagine). But .. turn the page.
I'm just not into the drama machine any longer.
Maybe one day I will be again .. but I'm not in that space right now.
To call upon MIL at this point, "oh dear what a tough day this must be for you, I'm so sorry .. I know you miss your husband and your sister more than life itself .. and I so wish things could be different".
Some semblance of the above .. and I think I might just have to gag. I can't do it.
Thoughts?
Leave the ball in DH's court .. if gets answered to, it does .. if it doesn't .. so be it?
Don't even ask DH .. "did you ever call your mom . ya know it's her's and your dad's wedding anniversary today . and you know .. Your Aunt J .. would've been her bday today .. tough day for her, did you reach out to your mom?"
Don't even do that much?
What?
My MIL lost husband 2 years back. On fb, she counted weeks, months, and years. She was depressed. Her therapist told her to knock it off, it was pulling her down. She marked only the anniversary of his death during the second year. She's moving on and doing so much better. 3-4 years and 15+? Should not even be a blip on *your* radar. If it's on your MIL's, sympathise only then and bring up seeing a therapist to help with her grief.
I would send a text back to SIL, "thanks for the heads up!" And leave it.
I kinda fall into the space on it all .. if she wasn't so isolated (self imposed) .. she'd have peers in which to maybe commiserate to mark this date. Maybe some funny stories from her peers of their marriage that is now ended by death of a spouse .. or their siblilngs .. or whatnot.
That's part of the "need" the incessant "need" that I ran screaming from. The social isolation that has to be met .. along with all the other need.
I realize, she isn't able to get out and join a tennis club at this point. I get that.
But she is able to .. get on a bus that picks up seniors for senior activities .. or church bus for church activities .. so she isn't so isolated.
I just (I feel like a monster for feeling that way however) .. I'm in a spot with it all, that I find it hard to muster much in the way of compassion at this point.
Granted, I haven't lost a husband .. (they'd of been married, were he still alive, 69 years today) . I haven't lost a sister ..
So .. thus .. "how can you sit in that seat Dorker, and be so crass and uncaring".
But I just don't wanna get on the drama train ..
It's like SIL riding by again . as she reaches out to snatch me onto the train of all things "need" as to MIL.
She didn't direct as to getting anyone out to lunch or going by to visit .. in fact, it was just a info kinda thing. I guess, inference there .. without saying it .. could one of ya pay her some heads up ..
I just don't feel like doing so. Really don't. Nor do I feel like talking to DH when he comes in .. with a prompt (which I'm sure SIL would be all to happy to have me do . if that text alone didn't prompt any action from DH .. surely Dorker will put a burr up his backside and spur him into action). I don't even wanna go there either.
Their mom. They feel sad for her and this specific date in history and it's commemoration as to different markers .. then they can address it .. if not .. that's okay with me too.
Just .. I can't even really muster the compassion at this point, for even so much as a phone call to then call MIL and lament the poor woe with me thing .. "your husband .. been gone now 15 years .. I'm sure it all feels like yesterday .. how horrible for you .. I am so so sorry ....... and your sister .. bless your soul MIL ..... I know you miss her so, what a tough horrible day for you to have to get through".
Not where I am these days.
I just don't feel it anymore, to do that.
Unless I can say things like, "well damn shame you're so frickin isolated .. ya know .. life doesn't have to be that way .. you could be in IL with your daughter .. and I'm sure there'd be someone there to talk to, or hey .. ya know . . all those years that we tried to get you to engage with senior centers or church groups, neighborhood groups .. .that would've been real helpful right about now .. these days that come up and you are melancholy and blue .......... would've been nice to have some social outlet .. to walk thru these tough times .. but how's that working for ya now ... being all alone".
Of course, I'm not gonna be cruel and do the above.
But I also just can't muster the poor woe with me thing .. just can't stomach it.
That was a perfect suggestion. I did as you put it, ...... sent a response "Thanks for the heads up". No promise of prompt in DH's direction nor any promise of a phone call to poor sad MIL .. or a visit or any other action, just "thanks for the heads up".
"That is nice of you to remember. I'll be seeing her on Thursday."
That should tell her you don't plan on doing anything with MIL until Thursday, so don't ask about it, but at the same time, you're giving her a compliment and acknowledge her text.
I don't know, having never walked that walk, .. what life should be after the death of a spouse, and this far down the road .. and/or a sibling.
I know that each year since her husband's death .. her anniversary rolled around, it would be marked in some way, .. sometimes nothing more than a phone call to allow her to talk about their years married, .. his demise, so forth. Then again, on the anniversary, every since that time, in 2003 .. on the date he passed. Same as above.
Sometimes go get her, and get her out to lunch or dinner, .. a distraction, an opportunity to be able to talk about it, etc.
I hestiate to say it, because I admittedly haven't walked that walk ...
But at this point, where I am with it all, it just smacks to me of playing into SIL's enabling on the whole thing with her mom.
I didn't hear this from MIL .. "gee, I sure am blue today .. .wonder if you have any time to spend with me". It came from SIL.
I just, I'm on the page now .. it seems .. requests from SIL .. kinda for me, discarded .. and not really paid much attention to anymore. Just done with it.
Kind of on the page that for far too long, I was doing (willingly) SIL's bidding as to attending to their mom .. hopping to that beat.
It's like a switch has turned off, and it doesn't feel good. Shouldn't we all have compassion for one another. I don't. Not on this topic.
Kinda feels like to me .. if MIL had culitivated some relationships somewhere .. who knows .. maybe she'd be talking to someone with a hard luck story so much more tragic .. someone that lost their husband last year for instance, after some horrible tragic accident .. and it wasn't expected at all, .. and their life was just wonderful full of travel and whatnot.
Like, . maybe if MIL could hear from others .. and stories that are more problematic than her own .. she wouldn't ruminate so on her own story and I have little tolerance for it anymore.
That doesn't mean I'm over here with a big hooray. I'm not. It makes me sad that I feel that way about someone that I did care for, very much, for eons. But it seems dead at this point, buried in resentment and anger.
I would never go out of my way to be hurtful .. not to her or anyone else for that matter. But I also just don't have it in me anymore to jump on that drama train .. not one iota.
I have no idea if DH has addressed the marking of this momentus date with his mom today .. haven't asked, and won't be asking.
I will see her on Thursday .. if she wishes to ruminate a bit on the topic .. I'll entertain a moment or two, but then likely I'll change the subject at that point, and move on. No tolerance for her, somewhat self-imposed isolation and loneliness. A self-imposed isolation that is fed by a daughter from afar .. a daughter who then will prompt for others to jump in, on the enablement train of drama.
Doesn't feel good to feel this way about someone that I cared for, a lot. Maybe it can change one day .. maybe not, who knows.
And I'm someone who has always prided myself in seeing all sides of an issue .. or trying to. But on this one, I'm just kinda on the page . it's been 15 years ... turn the page .. yes, be blue a little and reminisce if you wish .. but .. don't expect that others are going to fall into that pit of despair . not after this long.
I'm to meet with those gals tomorrow .. at church . their request via DH. They want me to sit down and talk with them about my view of things .. needs/etc .. so they can get a better picture of how they might serve MIL.
At this point it's going to be a bit difficult for me to sugar coat it all and be nice about it. I'll try, but it will be a struggle.
I don't think I'm an unfeeling person, but for my money, you don't need to have others remind you of your loss. You remember it yourself. You reach out for support if you need it. Don't enable MIL's s rumination on the past.
Yes Shane, that is good news. The fact that MIL is agreeable to go forth with that whole concept, is huge news. Trying to look at that as a positive .. in the hopes it will turn out to be something good and not dismissed by her, in the end.
Fortunately it's not anything I have to put much effort into, to see it to it's intiation. They simply want my input, having been on the front lines of it all for a long time. Interesting, they asked me the other day if I could list for them, what upcoming doc appts might need to be seen to.
I don't have a clue.
At one time I certainly did. Not now.
And yes, I could easily find out for them, a phone call to MIL .. "hey would you mind grabbing your calendar where you have doc appts written down, let's review that a bit".
Nope. Good point for them to cover with her, when they do sit down and meet her and talk to her. They can then talk with her about what upcoming appts they might need to assist with.
And watching (with dread) from afar .. waiting for how long it will be until SIL is then in possession of the phone numbers for these folks and hounding them to the ends of the earth. They are kind people that don't deserve that. But they also aren't burnt to a brittle crisp with it all, as I am.
MIL should be the master of her ship at this point; comfort care, no chasing of rainbow cures.
Unfortunately these two ladies that run this ministry .. they are gonna be stretched thin. Two folks in our church dx'd with cancer and hardships there as to transportation to doc visits ... and so they will be on that front also. So .. not sure how much of MIL's "whims/wants" can actually be addressed ..
But again .. that's not up to me to coordinate. Thankfully.
And I'm over here shouting a silent hooray .. that I'm not in the middle of it all.
In fact, it had even dawned on me that SIL may at some pont summon me, .. "can you give me the phone #'s for those folks in your church .. I think mom needs to get to the doc, wanna see if they are available".
I will proudly state the truth .. "I don't have their phone #s.. talk to your brother".
Interesting tonight as DH pondered the text sent by his sister today .. as he reflected o on his day and whether he'd ever called his mom . couldn't remember (had been a particularly frustrating and busy day for him). He couldn't recall .. right off hand .. didn't think he'd called his mom at all today, as he pondered that text and then in kind of disgust said the following: "Guys .......... guys don't remember that stuff .. I'd of not had a clue that mom and dad's anniversary was today or Aunt J's bday .. I'd of not known that .. guys don't generally know that stuff .. that would've never dawned on me .. and I don't wanna call her at this point and dredge up sadness .. here it is night time, time for bed .. ".
I didn't add anything at all to the dialogue.
I don't think as to this specific date and MIL, don't think it would've dawned on me .. unless someone said to me, "DORKER .. do you know what this date is signifigant of?". That might've jogged my memory (having been on the front to attend to such in the past) .. but it never would've DH's. Not a chance.
Dorker, do not beat yourself up, you are obviously a loving, caring compassionate woman, who gave many years to helping your MIL and family. Righteous anger is biblical, and you have every right to be upset, yes, it is hard to be what you are not. At this point helping MIL is not helpful, she needs to reach the point of acknowledging that her needs can only be met in AL. Years of doing the same thing, expecting a different result is the definition of insanity, you are stopping that in the only way that was left to you, and quite frankly I think it is impressive that you are willing to be the bad guy to bring about the much needed change.
As a volunteer, I recommend that you give them all the gory details, being blindsided sucks. Prepare for the worst, expect the best.
Oh Life....with it’s cruel twists of fate, lol.
As to who would've initiated this "memory" of what the date is .. and it's signifigance, MIL or SIL? I really don't know .. I don't think it would be a matter that SIL would call MIL for her one of many phone calls daily, to check in and say to her, "well gee, sounds like you're in a chipper mood today .. I guess you maybe forgot the signifigance of the 9th of April .. did you forget .. let me remind you what this date is, .. oh gee, I hear a sadness in your tone .. I guess I shouldn't of brought it up".
Doubt it went like that.
Probably more like, .. SIL calling for one of her numerous checks ins daily .. and MIL was the one that brought that to light. I do know, just from years past .. that SIL rememebers the signifigance of the date .. and that she might would do some of her prompting that used to go on, .. in advance of the date .. prompting some action from this end .. to attend to MIL on what is a sad/tough day for her. In advance.
I will be calling MIL tomorrow to see what (if anything) she has come up with that I might do for her on my Thursdays with MIL morning visit.
As to meeting with the ladies there at the church and giving the gory blow by blow. I know they won't be addressing all the need, (no one can, except SIL seemingly). I don't have a thorough view of just what they do, other than I know they will meet with her to get to know her, and vice versa .. and pray with her ... if she'd like .. but they will also provide some companionship in visiting some .. as well as some small errands.
Small (define that), would be a question I have. I can imagine .. maybe a doc visit here and there is doable. Maybe even pick up things she needs .. or take her to get things she needs (small in nature). I don't think, and I will urge they not get involved in that, unless they'd like to devote 1/2 a day to it ... grocery shopping. Only to then find,.. you've given several hours to that endeavor and now she will also need that you return on such and such (next day perhaps or the day after) for a doctor appointment and then the stop offs along the way.
Have to impart that to them .. that they somehow be mindful that her needs (wants) will swallow you whole if you allow it.
Uggh. It's good she will have some fresh .. new to this whole scene .. folks to engage in it. It's very good.
I just think about .. when I'd gone out there last week, to talk with her .. and she began to go down the path talking about her daughter .. and how grateful she is for the help her daughter was to her. And then .. she was on the path to talking of how she was so ready for her to go ... go on home .. that her daughter works herself to death .. she doesn't stop (her daughter) .. she goes from sun up to sun down, .. always busy doing something or usually more than one somethings .. at any given moment.
How that whole thing incenses me. Someone caring and compassionate would see in that, as I did for a long long time .. something really great/wonderful. Now .. I see in it, .. a want to bonk both SIL and MIL over the head and say to both of them, .. "don't either of you see, .. what's wrong with both of you, .. you hate it that she comes here and works like a damn slave .. and you hate that ... don't you see it .. if it takes that much to prop up your situation .. then something is VERY VERY VERY WRONG ....... SIL .. don't you see it .. life isn't supposed to be like this ... if it takes THIS MUCH ..... something is wrong, don't you see it".
So, it's good MIL will be able to hold court on those kinds of things and wax and wane to fresh ears .. and tell them how her daughter comes here and works herself to death .. seeing to every little thing she can possibly conjure up and then some .. and they .. because they aren't burned out, won't see in it, what I do.
And yes, very much, let MIL command this ship (until SIL highjacks it, and that's coming those pour souls .. they will be subject to directives from afar, before long, quite certain of it). Hopefully there can be some cohesive list of what it is she needs, and them give some accounting as to what they will and won't have time to address .. and from there, the contingent of MIL and these two ladies can come up with a plan as to what they will assist with .. and the rest .. MIL can haraung SIL .. and go from there.