I've posted before about in-law care-giving. Aged mother in law, lives in same town.
We are at the tail end of a visit from sister in law from several states away. Sister in law has been here for 3 weeks caring for her mother. A much welcome respite.
It had been discussed, prior to her arrival here on the scene, she would be talking it over with her mother, to try and get her mom to come up to her home, for a stay of maybe a few months.
This, in my opinion, is absolutely essential, as I am expecting twin grand-children, due in about 1 month (if they don't come sooner, as is the case a lot of times with multiples pregnancies). The expectant mother also lives locally here, and has a 4 year old daughter. I will be on that front, helping .. as much as is needed. And not on the front with mother in law and care-giving, and have made that as obvious and apparent as I know how to make it. It would be great if mother in law would agree to go to her daughter's home (several states away) for a period of a few months .. and allow me the latitude to put my energies where I want them to be, on my daughter who will have had a c-section .. and my grand-daughter (4 years old) and new twin babies.
Nothing doing. Mother in law has dug in her heels, and will not hear of it, going to stay with her daughter for any period of time.
What are her reasons?
In mother in law's defense ... her daughter ... I don't even know how to describe it. I will say that when her daughter comes here to visit, she all but breathes for her mother and if she could find a way to do that, she'd do that too. She is the most nervous nelly, never sit down - ever ... worry wart, do everything, all the time .. person that I've ever encountered.
A great example, as I was taking her to the airport yesterday for her departure, . I reached into the fridge to grab myself a bottled water and shut the fridge and turned to walk away, as I've done for all of my 50 plus years living on this earth .. and she said to me, "Oh make sure that fridge shut". WTH???? Like I don't know how to shut a fridge? That's just a small, very small slice of what she is ... how she is.
She is so very hyper-vigilant, seeing to every minute details down to it's finest most minuscule point, fine tooth comb, questioning every point along the way, "should we do thus and so, but maybe if we do thus and so, then such and such will happen, maybe we should do it thus and so .. but then so and so might happen, maybe we shouldn't do thus and so, but do "x" "y" and "z" instead, but if we don't do it that way then ..........", on and on and on and on it goes. And usually in hyper warp speed, as to every single friggin thing.
If her mother moans .. "what's wrong mother?, why did you moan, are you alright?".
Mother: "Yes, I'm fine, I was just sighing out loud".
Sister: "Why did you sigh? Are you hurting, are you sure you're alright, why are you sighing what's the matter?"
Mother: "For God's sake __________________, I was just sighing, .. calm down, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, .. because if something is wrong you need to tell me".
Mother: "Everything is fine, I'm fine".
Sister: "Are you sure, we did a lot yesterday, did we do too much, maybe we shouldn't of gone to two doctors in one day .. was that too much for you, are you too tired now, maybe we need to move those other doctor appointments so we won't have two in one day, is that too much for you, for one day .. is that why you were sighing .. what's wrong, are you sure you're alright".
Hopefully that kinda gives a little bit of a snapshot of what goes on when sister is in the ring directing things.
So in mother in law's defense.. I do get it, why she wouldn't be chomping at the bit to go to her daughter's home.
BUT ....
The only experience she has with her daughter, in the last years as mother in law has aged and been unable to go anywhere much, has been the daughter coming here, periodically, for periods of about 3 weeks at a stretch. When her daughter comes here, she moves heaven and earth for her mother and then some, and doesn't sit down, doesn't stop .. the WHOLE ENTIRE TIME.
Is there a possibility maybe (as I said to mother in law, when she expressed that isn't happening - talking to me - her going to her daughters .. ever) .. could it be possible that maybe if you would go to where she lives .. she'd be more busy managing her own life in that setting than your's and she would get out of your backside .. and not be as hyper-drive-vigilant as you experience in her, when she's here, could that be possible.
The daughter is retired, lives several states away. Does come here, generally, every few months .. and stays for a period of about 3 weeks at a stretch. I wish I could make a list of everything the daughter did when here this last time, but it would take up the whole character allotment:
No, she is NOT moving in with you. Not even temporarily.
You don't have a toilet she can use without modification. She will insist on the temperature being to HER liking, not yours, not your daughter. Who has just had major surgery. She should be everyone's primary focus right now.
MiL can go to a nice local hotel for a night. It's not like you didn't tell everyone that you were NOT going to be running a geriatric ward while dd was recovering.
Those are unvaccinated infants who should NOT be exposed to MIL'S bathroom accidents. Has she had her pertussis booster? I'd guess not. No WAY would I let those grand babies live in the same rooms as mil right now.
So, tomorrow, dd and the babies (and 4 yo and her husband) pile in here, awaiting their home to be ready so they can then go to their home. (and their dog)
H had his mom this afternoon, to take her to visit the babies. She let him know, .. called him .. (before he got there to pick her up) .. her A/C is giving her problems. She had the A/C guy out this afternoon and the guy did something that it's at least blowing at this point, but it's not real cool. H assessed it when he went to get his mom, .. set up a fan for her (she doesn't get hot til it's probably 90 degrees or better). He said of it, "you wouldn't like it in her house (I like it cooler), but it's not bad .. not for her .. she doesn't get hot .. (elderly like it warm).
So, long story short .. he will go there tomorrow to assess (the AC guy will be back Monday with the part needed). But if her home is unhealthy warm .. guess where she will need to go? (and her dog)
RIGHT HERE ............
We'll be running a geriatric ward .. and a home for babies and ailing mommies.
Zanex would be good right about now? We'll hope that it's okay tomorrow .. at least "ok" in the sense that it isn't an unhealthy temp in her home. He did set up a fan, and to her it felt fine (I'm sure to me, it would be NOT fine).
We'll see what happens.
Please rest up and take care!
The 4 yo, .. probably a real adjustment for her, and her being jockeyed back and forth between g'parents (which she was coached would be the case, when mommy goes to have the babies) .. but .. she has been the center of the universe (only g'child) til now. She is .. shall we say .. being kinda whiny .. and a bit of brat (maybe tired, maybe an adjustment for her).
But I was rocking one of the babies .. and could feel myself falling asleep. That's when it occurred to me, .. hey go get some rest ... while you can. I knew that the other set of g'parents were to be taking the 4 yo . at least for the afternoon (possibly o'nite). Go home, rest.
That's precisely what I did. Left dd and the babies .. and her mother in law was there and the 4 yo .. and the step-father-in-law . on his way to retrieve the 4 yo and take her to their house for the afternoon. So I headed on home.
I am surfing around the net, and see a pic on FB .. MIL at the hospital holding precious new babies. I guess H did, in the end, facilitate getting his mom there. Not sure how that happened .. as ... last I'd heard .. talking to H .. his mom had begged off of being picked up to be transported there, due to her swollen ankle/foot that she can't get a shoe on to. But I see on FB .. she is sitting in a wheelchair and both beautiful babies in her lap. So obviously H got that done somehow.
Interesting, . .. as he and I sat and had our coffee this morning, before g'daughter got up (early-thirty) .. and he mentioned what his mother had said about begging off of going to the hospital. He said of it, "it's just as well, I've got a lot to do around here today, I need to mow the grass, clean the pool, .. I gotta get those baby swings up and make sure they are operational before they come here tomorrow .. I need to get a new toilet installed in that hall bath that's under construction (yes, that'll be fun .. we have a hall bath that is out of commission, under construction, been in no hurry to get it done . it's only us here, .. until ... it's not .. only us ......... but it'll only be about a week or so, til dd and the grand-babies move to their house).
So, the last H and I talked .. it was just as well, in his mind .. that his mom begged off, he didn't have time anyway (and they will be discharged tomorrow barring any problems). His words: "Maybe if she can go later this afternoon .. after I finish with my chores ...". I responded to that, "well you can ask her, but I know she fades hard in the afternoons .. she usually has to lay down and nap". He said in conversation: "well that's about all I can do for her .. I gotta get things done around here this morning .. so if she doesn't wanna go this afternoon, then it'll have to wait .. because we'll be moving them in over here .. and she never wants to come here anymore .. too hard for her, we have steps to get into the house, etc.".
So I left to go take g'daughter to the hospital .... stayed and visited .. and rocked babies and fed babies and changed diapers and thoroughly enjoyed them in the tranquility (absent the 4 yo and her periodic tantrums) ... tranquility of just dd and her mother in law and myself there.
But now I see on FB .. looks like H did indeed get his mom there. See her sitting in a wheelchair holding the babies. Good, .. I'm glad she felt fit enough to do so, and will have to ask H how he accomplished that.
My anger, I don't think is at the fact that SIL had me buried neck deep in all this for so long. I think that for a long long time, I thought my help was appreciated and there was gratitude for same. I think now, my opinion on that has changed. That is because it has become increasingly clear, as MIL's needs increase .. that my "input" is very definitely not appreciated/wanted. That isn't seen by anyone saying to me out loud, "oh go sit down we don't wanna hear what you have to say". But ... actions might as well say precisely that. The needs increasing .. and my input into a situation I have been neck deep in for more than a decade ... and nothing changes, nothing at all.
So they might as well say the words, "oh go sit down, nobody wants to hear what you have to say". They don't say it, but that's what their actions reflect.
I don't think I'm mad at SIL ... I have been leading the charge at all this for a long long long time .. and that's precisely because I thought it was appreciated. I guess, to me, ... appreciation looks a little different than how it's begun to look. Maybe what I think of as "appreciation" isn't what the next person thinks of it as.
I think I am mad at MIL at this point. Because I have been very clear .. that my agenda would be full .. and so .. I'd suggested some alternate back-up plans (nobody listens though) ... and no, none of that is necessary. Just ask her, "I know what I need to do and I will do it, I will manage".
Well, you all have been given a blow by blow of what has transpired since her daughter left. How well is her "managing" going?
Not to good in my assessment. But still, nothing changes.
Oh yes, it has changed to the degree that I have stepped out of the step and fetch it role .. but who does it appear has stepped right into those shoes. Her son. Have their been outsiders engaged to help meet this increasing need. H*ll no
So, it would appear, the whole situation doesn't miss a beat here. It's been me on the front line leading the charge for over a decade ... I step back from it all, in a very demonstrative way ... and the whole thing is now going to be dumped onto H, it would appear. MIL isn't going to have the skids put to her that, "No Mother you are going to have to go and spend some time with daughter .. I know she makes you crazy .. but ... your needs are such that there is no one here that can manage it all for you and NO it's no longer an answer that "you can manage, you know what you need to do and you'll do it", no that no longer suffices mother . because the fact of the matter is .. you can't .. and don't ... and so that's what's going to have to happen, now start wrapping your brain around it.
OR
"Okay mother, that's a fate worse than death in your mind, that you'd have to go stay with Nuerotic Nancy .. and deal with her .. okay then you are going to HAVE TO AGREE that you have got to allow outsiders to be helping here .. no more of this denying the ability of neighbors who have offered and/or healthcare practitioners that can be engaged in this whole thing . it's no longer JUST you that gets to decide these things.
None of that gets put to her in the manner of .. "the gig is up here". Nope.
It would appear that now, ......... now that I stepped off that hampster wheel .. MIL has reached over and plucked up the next hamster to throw onto the wheel and it is my H.
Well it should be, it's HIS mother. However, I know that with him running his own business .. and the other obligations that he has in his life (not so much me, .. I am truly low maintenance .. I don't require a lot of vacations and or fancy dinners out .. or whatever ... truly I don't .. low key here). But he is very involved in our church ... not something I'm always in agreement with .... but he does seem to very much enjoy his involvement there. I just know that, as a rule, he is generally taxed beyond his ability/energy level with all he has on his radar (and yes I've told him countless times that his family .. his mother ........comes BEFORE his church .. and want for involvement there ... but he hasn't had to actually live it, til now, .. I've been on that hamster wheel in his stead).
So, .. well it should be, it's HIS mother. And so .. maybe it's a matter that he will have to live it .. and then HE will tire of it all, .. and THEN .. maybe THEN ............ it will be the catalyst for change, I don't know.
I do know that it will be somewhat interesting to observe. He isn't one to suffer fools' errands .. doesn't have time .. nor is he one to give much lip service to being diplomatic about it.
I did find it interesting .. at one point .. several months back .. his mother . who has little to do but conjure up what she wants done .. that she can't do herself. She got it in her mind that she wants the shed out back cleaned out. She can no sooner do that than the man on the moon. She isn't able. She began chirping in H's ear about it, that she wants him to go out there and clean out the shed .. and get rid of things. A fools errand .. would be my definition of that whole premise. The only things in that shed are a few ladders (need them, can't get rid of them) .. and some yard equipment, (need it, just in case, even though she hires out lawn work now).
H told her rather succinctly that isn't happening. She balked, .. "Why ..when I die you guys will have to go through all that and get rid of it, why won't you do it now". His answer to his mother "why?, .. how is it bothering you .. . it's out there in a shed you can't even get to, how does that even bother you, why do you care". Her answer "Because I know that it just has junk in it, junk you guys will have to go through one day when I die" His response, "and we'll do it .. one day when you die .. right now, I have far more pressing things on my radar and I'm not doing it".
Or, same conversation went on with regard to her attic, and her wanting that cleaned out, or same conversation went on with her garage and wanting it cleaned out .. (garage .. is a double car garage .. and on one wall is a wall of shelves . on another is a workbench .. and it has tools .. and that's it .. that's all that's in her garage . but she wants it all cleaned out, and pristine, . as in the walls all with nothing on them, painted nice and clean .. and all the shelving gone .. and so forth). Same conversation .. him telling her no .. that work bench .. he uses it when there is something that needs fixing .. the tools out there on the shelves, tools that belonged to his dad when he was alive, those get used on occasion when something needs fixing .. so no .. no he isn't cleaning out her garage.
So, will be interesting to watch when HE is the one taking her to doc appointments that don't get the follow through that is directed .. and/or .. as was the case with me, we just had to see, is there a gluten issue here .. nothing would do til we get to the answer on that .. and yes indeed sensitivity found as to gluten issues . and so .. specialty stores, etc .. for gluten free products .. only to .. within two weeks .. no gluten free diet being followed.
Will be interesting to see how he handles all that. He will tire of it a helluva lot faster than the 10 plus years I've been at it.
There are family dynamics here that have been set in stone for a long time; you've been part of the glue that holds this tribe together.
By stepping away from the "shlepper" and "steppin fetchit" role, the dynamics will change. You become an observer of the drama and not an actor in it.
Try to figure out if your anger (and you do sound really angry) is because you've been roped in for so long; if you're angry at SIL for dumping this all on you; if you're angry at husband for being clueless; if you're angry at yourself for putting up with it so long; if you're angry at MIL for not acceding to change.
Anger, I think, in these sorts of situations can be healthy (because its opposite is depression and sadness) and can be a sort of "clean-out" of the soul. But continued, unabating anger only damages you.
If at some point you feel unable to let go of these angry feelings, you might do well to work with a therapist who can help.
I remember reading, many, many years ago a little booklet, put out by the NYC Dept of Heath and Mental Hygiene about family issues. Near the end of all the sort of prosaic advice given was a line that hit home: "if you find yourself having issues with your Mother in law, consider that you may actually be angry at your own mother and are dealing with unresolved issues in that relationship".
It made me look more honestly at all the fussing I was doing about my MIL and see that I resented the fact that MY mother seemed totally uninvolved and unconcerned about my well-being at the time. In point of fact, my MIL accurately perceived the fact that my mother was unconcerned about me and she was stepping up to provide what I needed in the midst of a truly terrible post partum depression; and of course, I resented and pushed back all the help she gave me.
Just some food for thought. Be well. Hug those babies!
You may need to go "No Contact" with Mil AND Sil for awhile. She already enlisted your H successfully. The 4 year old doesn't need a provoked, frustrated, and angry grandma, when you could be walking on clouds of JOY during this time.
Can you take care of grandchild by yourself, without getting worn out?
Wishing you 'Clouds of JOY' grandma.
My grandchildren (two) are 23 and 25, already!
Just NEVER answer that phone.
But the really key thing is it's not your problem. Forget it.
If you'all keep asking MIL "can I do this, can I do that", she will say " no, it's too much of a bother".
Just do it! Just send the neighbor the pictures!
For heavens sake, elderly people with declining vision aren't going to enjoy trying to make out kiddie faces on a little smartphone screen. SIL needs to send MIL actual photos and printed copies of articles ( in a font big enough for the lady to read).
So, twin babies born here the other day .. and of course, all of us who 'can' use Smartphones and the like, or laptops/notebooks, etc ... pics flying all through cyber-space, updating family near and far, etc.
Nuerotic Nancy SIL would be one of those on the list. Of course, pics flying thru cyberspace to her Smartphone .. and she can see, in real time, the precious babies. She even forwarded pics to her cousin in a whole other state. That cousin houses her aged father with her (same age as MIL as a matter of fact, .. by about two weeks older than MIL). He too, has a Smartphone, and uses it .. forwards pics, . emails, etc. etc.
Of course, SIL gets these pics, and return texts from her "Oh aren't they beautiful, I know you guys are so happy, and they're healthy, thank the Lord, and mommy is fine too?". Of course, texts flying back and forth . .. between family near and far, pics, etc.
SIL, eventually, after much texting back and forth about the babies, expresses the following: "Too bad mom has no way to see the pics .. I know she'd love to see them".
I ignored the above. SIL would've loved for me to volunteer, "Oh I'll run out there and share the pictures with her" H*ll no, I'm not doing that, I have enough to do right now, .. too bad she can't see them .. yep.
You see, .. MIL has a laptop .. a laptop that at guess who's initiating .. she just had to have, a few years back (she had a d*mn desktop she never used) but SHE HAS TO HAVE A LAPTOP .. she'd use it if it were something she could take to the den or whatever, .. she just doesn't like sitting in the other bedroom in that uncomfortable chair, we need to get her a laptop".
SIL of course.
So, we all chip in .. and get her a laptop.
Guess where laptop sits. The same as the exercise bike "she had to have" .. sits unused. Never uses it, . doesn't even know how. She never even used the desktop she had. Oh but she HAS TO HAVE IT. This was a few years ago.
I've been at MIL's countless times when SIL will send her an email as to some new med or some new procedure, or a pic of her g'kids from the other side of the globe (sent via email) .. and of course, directive from afar, "when you go to mother's would you open her laptop and help her get to her email, I sent her _____________, and she can't, she doesn't even know how to turn the thing on".
I've coached her several times, even left little post-it notes of step by step by step instruction and p/w's etc. Nope, nothing doing. She either (she does have very very arthritic fingers) isn't interested, ... or cannot do it, don't know which. But she has a laptop that sits unused, ..
I tried to get her to familiarize herself with my Smartphone at one time .. (precisely because she gets annoyed ... her words "you all with those d*mn phones, . nobody talks to anybody anymore, every one of ya .. every time I see ya, your faces are in those phones). Of course, I have shared with her, pics sent .. etc .. and tried to get her to at least get a rudimentary understanding and maybe even a yearning to have one of her own .. and we'd see what we can do to get her one that is user friendly. She wants nothing to do with it. Finds it annoying that, as she says, "all of ya, .. your faces in those phones all the time, .. nobody talks to anybody anymore, they just stick their faces in those phones".
So, my point is .. MIL has had ample opportunity to get on board and at least get a rudimentary understanding on how to do this whole email thing .. and/or Smartphones, .. she has no interest, or can't, I don't know which.
FWIW . I have a sister in law on MY SIDE of the family (married to MY brother) and her mom is 94 yo and uses her laptop to email and stay in touch with her family far and wide .. as to pics etc. And yes, they had to write post it notes and step by step instruction and they even still had to coach her several times, but she is a pro at it at this point. It's how she stays in touch with family far away. It "CAN BE DONE". And yes, I have shared that tidbit with MIL as I worked with her to try to get her able to use technology.
So, when SIL expressed, . as to the pics .. "Sure wish mom could see them, I know she'd love to see them".
That was a veiled attempt at "could one of you go over there and show her your pics".
H*ll no. We've got other fish to fry at this point. She didn't ask, fortunately for her, but the above a veiled attempted at just that. I didn't respond. Didn't address that remark in any way/shape/form.
So, .. as it stood .. the whole family near and far, . those willing/able to understand technology .. could see pics of these new babies. Even her brother in law (the cousin's dad) .. who is the same age as MIL, he could see the pics.
That same brother in law even called her, "I see you have some beautiful great grandbabies .. they are just adorable".
Of course, MIL can't see them .. she isn't able to get out (oh but she'll manage, she knows what she needs to do and she'll do it). She can't get out and about to go to the hospital .. nor can she manage technology to see them .. and .. we are all uhmm .. kinda busy here .. so no .. no one is chomping at the bit to run out there, Smartphone in hand, to show her pics.
MIL did catch me on the phone as I was on the way out yesterday AM .. to congratulate on the new babies and ask the details. I talked with her briefly .. and she said this, this is how all that dialogue went, yesterday morning: "Oh well all of ya with those phone things .. everyone has seen pics of them it seems like, but you know me, I don't have one of those things ... and I can't do that d*mned email thing".
I didn't offer to bring my phone or any other accommodation to make it happen for her, .. other than, "Well if you're up to it, .. maybe your son can come get you and put you, get you in a wheelchair there at the hospital, and get you up to the maternity ward and you can go see the babies too". That's the only response she got from me. She said, "well I would love that, yes, if you would let H know that I would do that .. if he's able to, put me on the bottom of the list of course, I know you guys are all running in different directions, so I can see them any other day .. but if he's able to, if he has time .. yes I would love that".
Told her I would let H know. She then said this, "You know SIL .. she was telling me about them and how cute they are, .. and she hated it that I have no way to see pictures of them .. she offered to send the pics to my neighbor and ask my neighbor to walk over and show me (on the neighbor's smartphone) .. and I told her *now don't you bother her with that, .. she doesn't want to be bothered with that .. you leave her alone*, you know SIL .. she is so busy trying to figure out any angle she can". (more of MIL's .. don't bother with outsiders)
I said, "yea I know how she can be, .. oh well .. if H can get you there, we'll see what we can do, I'll pass it along to him and have him get ahold of you".
This was yesterday morning.
Then, by afternoon, suddenly we have .. the only two toilets she has are plugged and needing him to "come see about them". Which, he did do.
AND OF COURSE ...........while he was there, he pulled out his "oh so annoying phone that we all stick our faces in constantly", .. and shared with her the pics that he has on his Smartphone. And OF COURSE ... the conversation did ultimately get to .. whether or not he can accommodate getting her to the hospital and into a wheelchair to go see the babies .. and OF COURSE .. her answer: "Oh I don't think I can do that ... you know, this ankle of mine.. I don't even think I can get a shoe on it, I've seen the pictures now .. you were kind enough to come take care of my toilets here .. and so I got to see the pictures .. I just don't think I am able to do that".
What the h*ll ever ...........
Just disgusted. Yes, should've included this other piece of the story into it all, as to my disgust with the whole thing.
Time will tell, Dorker. In the meantime, try not to personalize (it's hard, I know). She's old, she's frail and she isn't thinking clearly. She's terrified she's going to end up living with neurotic daughter or "institutionalized". I'm sure a decent psychiatrist could get to what meaning that has for her. If I had to guess, I'd say she probably had a cousin or sibling who ended up with a lobotomy and/or in an asylum of sorts. This is a family that keeps its cards close to the chest.
Do you think she stopped up the toilets on purpose? Or has her diverticulitis become symtomatic?
Sounds like there might be a crisis really soon -- MIL will end up in the hospital, and then it will be determined that she needs a lot of care. If H and SIL allow her to come home, outside caregivers will have to become part of the equation.
(Isn't walking painful with a very swollen ankle? How is she taking care of the dog?)
You see, the good thing is, most men don't have anywhere near the patience we do. They get fed up quickly. They value their ability to earn a living and don't feel guilty about that.
In my experience, it takes most sons of elderly mothers exactly one crisis that takes them away from work to say " okay mom, I love you, but this isn't working for me. I have to earn a living. Either you have help come in or you have to live somewhere where there is help on site. End of discussion".
And you know what? The moms listen.
Just sit back. Take care of your brood. Let DH manage his mother without your help or instruction.
" That's an interesting development"....
It's pretty much all hands on deck on this end at this point. I have the 4 yo .. and had gone to the hospital this morning, to visit and let the 4 yo hold her new siblings. Mom . having some complications (nothing serious) . and so we didn't stay very long ... 4 yo getting crabby and med personnel in and out, and a few other visitors .. it just seemed to chaotic. H was there, .. as a visitor also (he LOVES babies . .should've been a pediatrician). Left him there with dd, and 4 yo and myself went on home. Stopped along the way for a couple of errands, then got her lunch and let her swim some, then nap time for her.
MIL calls H at the hospital ... knowing full well that's where he was, that both of her commodes are stopped up (she only has 2) .. and could he come and find out what to do. (Yes, he knows what to do and has the equipment for same).
He couldn't leave dd right away as dd's husband had to run some errands .. and that would've left dd alone, excepting for med personnel .. and they had her on some medication that she can't be left alone .. and so H explained to his mother that he couldn't leave dd at the hospital until her husband returns in a bit, but that he'd be there to take a look for her, later.
He did go there once relieved at the hospital .. (me at home with 4 yo) .. and FWIW I have said to H in all of this, particularly since we will be bringing them to our house temporarily (shouldn't be more than two weeks here at our house, at the most) ... I have said to H .. "I need all hands on deck, do not assign yourself to church or anything else in this time frame ...".
So he heads out to his mom's once relieved of his duty at the hospital .. and gets out there and finds that yes .. the commodes wouldn't flush. Goes outside, ck's the clean out plug and indeed no water flowing thru them .. to drain the lines. He did something where he ran water in copious amounts .. don't now, but that broke whatever logjam was causing the problem, water now flowing thru the drain line. Wahlaa .. problem solved.
But while there .. he noticed his mother's left ankle .. it .. as he says .. looks about like an elephant's foot/ankle would look, so swollen. Not red, inflamed . but so so swollen. He asked her if she is taking her Lasix .. she is, she says. He stressed to her that she has GOT TO GET TO the appointment this week (vein doctor, where she had the procedures on the veins when SIL was in town) .. that she CANNOT cancel that appointment. I guess she himmed and hawed .. and he said to her (he tells me) "Look I will make d*mn certain you get there, I will come get you!".
Uhm .. ooookay .. THIS is why I said we need more hands ... he can't be taking off work all the time to run her to the doc. I guess I'm seeing how this is going to go (this person who so pointedly said to me, "I know what I need to do and I will do it, I will manage) .. she'll now turn in H's direction and make him stepper fetcher.
No, she doesn't have to get "outsiders" .. she'll just turn in this direction and turn it onto H ...
And so he then stayed, .. (being ever so vigilant, not like him at all) .. to make sure his mom had some dinner, . and investigated what's in her cupboards/freezer, etc . .and got her all situated with some dinner. Duly doted upon this afternoon by her son .. while chaos will soon be the order of the day on this end.
I am P*SSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The fun hasn't even begun here .. with bringing twins and a recuperating mommy but Ms. I know What I Need To Do and I Will Do It, I Will Manage ... is already directing now .. as to who is gonna do what.
DD and the babies really need you. Lots of work but happy work. Hopefully your head will now be full of baby and 4 yr old things, and your dd will do well with her BP. Enjoy!
Sounds like dd intends to come this way, at least initially, when released from the hospital.
They are in the process of moving.
Why would someone decide to move when they know the babies will arrive any day?
They are renters. Her husband's step-gather is 93 yo and has recently gone to Hospice, but from there has been xfer'd to a nursing home. He is no longer able to live alone. The home he owns (locally) gets inherited to the stepdad of dd's husband.
Stepdad generous enough to allow dd and her husband/family to live there, rent-free, as long as they'd like. Dd and her family will eventually move to where her husband's bio dad lives, several states away. Thus, the reason they've not seen fit to "buy" a home, but rent.
Their lease was up on the rented home where they reside. So, either sign another 1 year lease, or take the offer given to them, by the stepdad, to live rent free.
They had hoped to be able to have it all moved (dd doing none of the heavy lifting, unable to) before babies arrived, just by the skin on their noses. But .. as you can see, that didn't happen.
Their hope is to live rent-free in this home that belonged to the step-grand-dad and save save save/bank some $, and be able to buy a home where the bio dad lives in another state. (which of course will break my heart, to see them go, but I can go visit). And as Scarlett O'Hare said, "I'll worry about that another day".
So, in the end, it sounds as though dd wants to come here, to my home, at least until this move is complete to the rent-free home.
The rent-free home housed a 93 yo man who'd not let anyone do anything to the home in the way of repairs, etc. So it needed to be repainted, re-carpeted, etc. So that is all ongoing at present. They will move their things (not her, she can't do it) within the next couple of weeks.
So glad I had the foresight to know that I am not able to step and fetch in the MIL's direction, and began backing away.
Going to be real upheaval around here, for a bit. But special, for sure.
Yes those babies are solid little cherubs!
Please give her a hug and kiss from Brooklyn and yourself a pat on the back for being a great mom!
As someone else said, once you back away from the circus, you can see the dynamics. DON'T get succeed back in by trying to tell DH what he should do. "That's an interesting development" is one of my favorite responses to family drama that I have no part in.