I am so fed up. In many ways, I am the luckiest girl alive. I have a guy who will rope the moon if I asked and does everything in the world to make me happy.
And in some important ways, I can’t imagine anyone unluckier than me.
I don’t know how I ended up 49yo, unable to work earlier because of two autistic kids, and then after a good career, now unable to work because of two 80 yo parents who decided they’d like to fill the shoes my kids left empty except they’re not my kids and they’re not cute.
Between ten specialists for dad, and three for mom, breaking up their fights nonstop both physical and verbal, driving around hunting down an old man who keeps taking off after fights expecting I’ll find him, and neither of them understanding a thing doctors tell them so I have to drive them to every appointment and be there for EVERYTHING… I feel like I’m going to die soon if I continue doing this.
Just 2.5 years ago, I moved them to me in NV from CA because my dad was on oxygen 24 hours per day and admitted to the hospital constantly due to CHF — a condition he’d apparently had for ten years except he didn’t understand when he was diagnosed, so I didn’t know for ten years until I finally went to a cardiology appointment with him. I visited often enough when I lived 7-8 hours away but only for a few days at a time because it’s draining being around their fighting. I didn’t even realize the depth of how he had deteriorated mentally as well.
In one month, I sold off their lives and listed their house and moved them closer to me because I KNEW my dad was going to die and if that happened, my mom would likely dig in and refuse to move.
I got them their new place, found every reputable specialist in NV, including getting him into the Cleveland Clinic for his neurological issues, and began to manage his plethora of fatal health problems and managed their entire lives.
And he got better. He got better and didn’t die, because Mom and I dedicated everything to getting him better despite the odds, and he lived. The better he got, the worse he became as a person. At least if he couldn’t breathe well — he was in bed and quiet.
The level of energy these two have to battle it out is unbelievable. Without going into detail, I’ll just say it’s bad. And somewhere along the way in the last two decades, these two feel they need to tell me every detail of how awful the other one is. In the last two years, it’s almost like they tell me just to see if I’ll side with the one doing the tattling. (And in 99% of the case, it’s my dad who is completely wrong and beyond reasoning, but only he doesn’t see it.)
I do more than enough.
Every single thing they need, I have to find and make happen. I read every one of their mail and every time my dad decides he found a better deal for his insurance or a car loan or a mortgage, I’m the one who has to clean it up. Their cell phones act up - call me. Their TVs don’t work - call me. iPads die — call me. Got a phone call — tell the caller to call me. Drug store claims some drug isn’t available — “call my daughter.” It’s me for everything except grocery shopping.
This isn’t a life. They’ve taken my life hostage and my life with my guy and my dogs….it just happens when I have moments leftover.
My heart beats out of my chest, and my pulse is so wild you can see it in my neck. I feel like I can’t breathe. I ended up having two stents put in due to 100% blockage and have been diagnosed with diabetes.
Tonight, I was just screaming and screaming at my dad after having found him walking the streets going nowhere after they duked it out, when I was called to find him — and felt like something burst in my head and for a couple of hours, the eyesight in my right eye had a white flash in it. I’m OK now but can’t catch my breath.
I am falling apart and at this rate they will outlive me. I never agreed to give them my whole life. I shouldn’t have to.
Parents just aren’t supposed to be like this.
They didn't take over your life. You took over their lives. You made the decision to move them closer to you partly to manage your father's care, and partly to ensure that later you would be able to control your mother.
The point is that you were the one who decided you wanted control. They didn't stop you, I agree (and they could have done. They could have refused.), but all of the decisions have been yours.
So recognising that, what decisions could you make now that would allow you to step back from so much daily direct involvement in their relationship? It seems to be the stress and conflict of the drama they play out for you that's having the worst effect on you, yes?
I originally found this site when I felt like a hostage (a very mini version of your tale!). I described it as being a hostage on a bus, being driven against my advice, towards a cliff, or at the least a dark boggy patch of dangerous road.
It took much thought, much self-exanination, a few hard talking Doctors & 2 councillors before the penny dropped.
I could get off the bus.
I just needed to stand up. Say stop. Get off.
And from the sidelines - wow - what a better place to be! I can be of better use when the crashes happen, to get other help.
So let's be real. The first step. Your folks are no longer independent. Do you agree?
You must accept you are not going to fix them.
They're living independently. Therefore it is on them to contact Comcast, Verizon, their utility people. As far as their personal conflict and fighting, you're not a marriage counselor.
Even for Koreans, they are going way off the edge here. I bet this wouldn't be ok even in Korea. Which, you know, if they're citizens they can go back to.
It's never too late to set boundaries. And you have to for your health. Also your marriage.
Whatever the situation is with your parents, their actions show that they don't give a crap about you. Sorry, it happens and is more common then we can imagine.
You need to get some boundaries in place and enforce them, because your life actually depends on it.
I would start by calling the police when they duke it out. They need to face the consequences for domestic violence. You will see things change if you do this. Oh, don't go to their rescue when you do this. They will be court ordered to get counseling. My dads dad had to go to AA, get anger management counseling and do community service. It stopped the fights and everyone wishes they would have called the police sooner. You need to tell them you don't want to hear it and to grow up or get away from one another. Stop chasing him down and don't listen to her boohooing because they duked it out again. 911 every single time.
I would change my number and not give it to them. Difficult, yes, necessary, OH YES! They can do whatever they want and you put up with it and bail them out. Stop.
I get so frustrated when I see old country cultures being used as an excuse for behavior. Quite frankly, if that's what they wanted, should have stayed in the old country. In the USA you go to jail for hitting your spouse and people don't look the other way when it's happening.
What happened to you could very well be high blood pressure causing retinal separation or something much more dangerous to your health, like a mini stroke.
I know it is easier said then done but, they are killing you and if you are dead, then what are they going to do. Pretend you are there and let them deal with the consequences of their crap choices before you end up in a box.
Next, take a deep breath. You are not alone in this. Many, if not most, caregivers of family members/friends struggle with the issues of placing people in homes, assisted living, long term care. But, it is obvious this will be the best solution for you at this point given what you have described.
Keep us updated, we're all in this together and I've certainly learned many things I did not know about here, and this is my second stint as a caregiver! Knowledge shared is knowledge gained.
PS-My father was not a good parent. So glad his much younger third wife is probably dealing with his 85 year old rants! Hahahahahaha!
Tonight, I was just screaming and screaming at my dad after having found him walking the streets going nowhere after they duked it out, when I was called to find him — and felt like something burst in my head and for a couple of hours, the eyesight in my right eye had a white flash in it. I’m OK now but can’t catch my breath."
Why don't you think it's time for placement?
The only solution is placement and making peace with the fact that you are not a superhero. You cannot change them any more than you can cure them. It’s sad, it’s not fair, and they won’t like it, but the reality is they need more help than you can provide, and you are at the end of your rope.
It’s “putting your big girl pants on” time and doing what needs to be done. Hard decisions are never easy, but there’s no two ways about it.
You need to make peace with it. You gave it your all, and now it’s time you get something back.
Best of luck to you.
Ok I hope you had that visual thing checked out and didn't just write it off to stress...b/c it could have been any number of things, and it's definitely a warning sign that all is not well with you!
You were the good daughter who took care of her parents. Kudos to you for caring so much for them (I didn't say ABOUT them for a reason).
Now it's time to step away.
They don't LIVE with you, so that part is done.
They fight b/c that's the marriage dynamic they have always had and always will. My inlaws battled like they were in a frickin war all the time. MIL hated FIL so much it was palpable. They finally divorced in after 42 years of vitriol & hate.
FIL died 17 years ago but MIL acts like he's still here, and she is as angry today as she was the day something 'bad' happened. THAT'S no way to live. And it is NOT the kids' responsibility to make it be OK. Bet your mom will be the same when your dad passes.
I would change my phone number and get a cheap 'burner' type cell phone to use to call them and only give them that number. Then DON'T answer it or call them unless you can handle it.
They're in some kind of NH? Or do they live alone? Either way, *you* need to get out of the CG business!! Like, yesterday!
If they live in a NH, the staff there should be handling a lot of this. If they live independently, hire a couple of thick skinned CG's and let them deal with your folks. Trust me, an employee is much less invested emotionally and the fighting and such may ramp down around 'strangers'.
Quit chasing your dad down when he 'runs away'. Call the police. Refuse to pick him up. I think your folks are trying to outdo each other for the 'worst life ever' award. (Sorry, but that belongs to MY MIL. )
Once you've hired help--cut down any contact with them to a 2 hr window once a week. It will be tough, but at this rate, you will die long before they do. I assume there are no siblings around? All of this is on you--rather, you took it on you. Now give it back.
Another alternative, if finances aren't an issue (And I am aware that they usually are) is to split them up into separate living places. Betcha they wouldn't go for that---but sometimes it's the best option.
There's a pretty famous saying on this site: 'No' is a complete sentence.
Wishing you the best--keep coming back and you will find so much support in this.