Gershun Posted November 2016
General topics.
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Hey folks, welcome to the new whine/general topic thread. Feel free to use this thread to discuss anything that is on your mind. Caregiving- related stuff, life after a loved one's death, your own emotional wellbeing. Whatever..........anything on your mind.
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I’ve been rehearsing in my mind to get ready for MIL visit .
I have been a study of your asking questions , ways of putting the responsibility of planning her care on her .
We will be setting boundaries of what we will and will not do . ( Especially since she refuses to assign POA) . She wants to stay in control . We will not be controlled by her .
However , I do fear it will fall on deaf ears again , as denial of decline always wins with her . Sigh 🥺
I do the same. Tie it back, tie it back then have to do a big chop.
That 60yo.. clueless. Sheesh.
I had a (80s) woman say to me this week "how BAD families are these days.." in reference to how families "put their parents in old people's homes."
I calmly explained often the care needs are just too big for family. Or families live far, work fulltime, have their own health issues etc. That many families are heartbroken over this.
Nope, she said their were "bad children". I remained calm & asked how SHE would care for her parent, with physical, emotional, cognitive & behavioural needs, needing round the clock care. Splutter splutter splutter. Well they would HAVE to do it. So clueless & judgemental.
I asked again "How would YOU do it? Frown. I then said, "Judge me if you will, but I cannot provide the care my LO needs".
Then she frowned again.. but looked fearful & said "I never thought... What will I do? What will we all do?"
I said we will just make the best of it. Keep smiling I guess.
I think I will invest in earplugs too.
I did have an awesome chat with this lady at moms PT , her husband had a stroke doing pretty good, but we chatted up a storm. I'm hoping she will be there next time.
She lives in a retirement community, and as far as caregiving, they are doing everything they can to not be a burden on anyone. Nice to know that there are people out there that get IT.
My hairstylist used to be an aide in AL , she told the 60 yo that the 86 yo said she’s very lonely and wants to socialize with other residents so that’s what she should do . The hairstylist said that the 86 yo had been telling her for years how lonely she was living alone .
My hairstylist also knew my mother as well and my situation . I used to bring my mother to get her haircut there . My mother was never nice to her .
My hairstylist even told me she has another customer in a similar situation that I was in and said she wished she could set us up on a lunch date , to try to tell this woman how to get out of Dodge . She says the daughter doesn’t know how to say “ No” . Her mother makes her come over every day . She calls her up sending her to the store for one thing every day etc .
Way, I’m losing my ability to keep my mouth shut. I like to bestow my wisdom upon all misguided souls around me. And wow, was that 60 year old misguided!
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But ………. Uggh .
I go to a very small 2 chair salon where every customer is 50 and over . Once again I got to overhear another customer talking about caregiving . Today a woman about 60 yo was talking about her 86 yo neighbor . ( The 86 yo was also a customer at this salon , so she was telling the hairstylist the update ) .
She was saying how her 86 year old neighbor is in rehab and was told she can’t go home to live alone . The 86 yo accepted this and said she would rather live in a care home because she’s been very lonely living alone , and that she doesn’t want to move in with and burden her daughter . She herself admitted she’s stubborn in some ways and that her and her daughter would argue so she would not want to live with her daughter . Sounds to me like this elderly woman thought this through . I was impressed!!!
However , this 60 yo woman was appalled by this . She said the 86 yo should move in with her daughter . She said if it was her mother she wouldn’t allow her mother to go to a nursing home . She would make her mother move in with her . Then later in the conversation had said her own mother had passed away already . This 60 yo did no caregiving for her Mom , so she’s clueless .
I may start bringing ear plugs so I can enjoy the one thing I pamper myself with , a haircut and color .
I just want a useful sized bag that I can fold up and put in my pocket, why oh why is this so difficult!! 😭
Good to see you are back on the forum. You were missed. 🌹
Nacy: Good for you, too!
Hubby has been redoing an old truck all summer, he took a break this weekend, it was nice to not see him all greasy too. 😂
Those were simple, beautiful things Golden!
R and I went out for supper . I wanted a break and it was good for us to get out.
We had a decent light meal, went to "Jacks", an excellent little fast food place with the best ice cream for R and then on the Walmart for a few things.
Rain started spattering the windshield as we turned to leave the parking lot and the light was very strange in the west. I got a great shot of it. It was brown and grey and eerie and the sun shine very bright through it,
Then as we drove home by the back roads, the rain started coming down heavily and to the east there was a full rainbow, with a few shades of a second one.
Got home and took some shots from the balcony. The rainbow was fading but the sky and clouds were wonderful colours - gold, purple, pink. As the rain moved further east, a beautiful blue with white clouds appeared from the south and the air was so fresh.
Simple things but they made our day.
You have a difficult situation, and you are likely to want comments on various things for some time. It’s best on your own thread, so that it all hangs together. Yours, Margaret
Your siblings from neighboring states not helping is very common . I’m 1of 5 . I alone 95% of the time took care of my parents for over a decade in their home . However I did not live with them . I had a rule , I went home every night to my own home and family . When they could not be alone overnight they were placed in a care home .
Others will tell you that you can not expect siblings to help . You are choosing to do this . That does not mean that they have to help.
Your siblings may see this as your problem . You chose this arrangement and you do have a way out , but you do not want to place Mom in care yet.
You may be feeling resentful that you are the one preserving inheritance for everyone , meanwhile you did all the work .
Unfortunately , these situations are common . Each persons view of the situation can differ .
I agree , your mother is likely not going to change her ways at her age .
I wish you luck in this . Let us know if you found any ways to make this work for your family , because it is not working now .
I did not take my parents into my house . I used their money for their care . For me inheritance wasn’t worth it . It was difficult caring for my parents . But I did get to come home to the privacy of my own home. That was priceless .
I wish you had found us sooner before you took Mom in and now Mom is contributing to the mortgage which fuels your mother’s thoughts that she can be the matriarch . Many of us would have advised you not to do this living arrangement .
Remember you do have a way out when you need it . At least your Mom does have money for a care home . Your physical health , mental health , marriage , and children not living in a house full of stress matter .
I realized how lucky I was , that my husband was putting up with my moods. The only way possible I've been able to do what I've been able to do for mom was because of that man! And I try to show him gratitude every day for it.
I suspect if your husband was not who he is your mom wouldnt be there.
Btw, there are always options, there is always a way out of bad situation.
Best of luck.
How about having Mom go to the therapist with you ? Your mother needs to learn boundaries , it’s your house , your marriage , your kids. Maybe the therapist can get your mother to listen to your concerns .
Let it blow up. Stop tiptoeing around your mother . So she gets mad . You don’t have to put up with it .
Therapy didn’t work because you are too afraid to stand up to Mom .
I know you said moving is not an option , but that is the obvious solution here. See if there are any HUD subsidized senior apartments for Mom . Rent is based on her income . If there are any , put her name on a list. If money is not the problem , then you point blank tell Mom that this is not working for your family and she needs to move out , you can help her move .
If it’s your mother’s house you and your family need to move out . I know you said it’s not an option , but you have not said why . It may actually be an option and you are not recognizing it
The other thing is maybe a senior center for activities or adult day care where she will meet people her own age.
Your mother is not extremely sensative to criticism . She is expressing her dominance as your mother . She sounds like the how dare you talk to me like that in her head , but cries to your face to manipulate you .
The “ you don’t appreciate what I do “ type of mother to have things her way. You are an adult , stand up to her. Stop letting her be in control of your household and kids.
To answer your questions , yes many have come here with a similar problem as you and they have ended up divorced .
Your responsibilities are to your marriage and kids, not to keep the peace with a bully of a mother .
Next time your mother throws up in your face that you are living in a friend's house, remind her that she is too. Tell her ," People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones".