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I know that this is not the response you are hoping for, but "It isn't going to get better". PERIOD. From the sound of things, your father was helping your mother hide her health issues more than you realize. Also, things she does that you are labeling as 'difficult', 'cantankerous' and 'mean' are more likely advanced Alzheimer's. I had no idea just how bad my mother was until very near the end because she hid her symptoms behind those actions/emotions; she passed last week (9th). So here's my advise, stop trying to make her do better (the shuffling, posture, etc), because she can't. Don't forget, she's dealing with the manner in which her husband of 55 years passed and probably has abandonment/guilt/anger issues; which is also making her symptoms worse. It's hard to deal with her "giving up", because you are so emotionally invested. By all means go to the counseling. Be vigilant with it, AND, take family members; all this affects them too. Encourage conversation about "what's going on with Mom/Grandma", especially your teenage daughter. I'm willing to bet she is acting out more and some of your (mom/dad) anger is trickling down to her. You are in NP training, the best way for you to survive this is to step back and treat her as you would a regular patient. Be a caring professional, it will help you distance yourself from the things she does (that she CAN'T control) that you are taking personally -- remember your training! Some may think it cruel, but once you decide to 'step back' both of you will do better. One last thought I want to share is a reminder that the spouse of such a long marriage rarely lives a year beyond the death of the departed...prepare yourself and your family.
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Warning: Bible quote, NASB
Finally brethren, whatever is true,
Whatever is honorable,
Whatever is right,
Whatever is pure,
Whatever is lovely,
Whatever is of good repute,
If there is anything worthy of praise,
Dwell on these things.
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So sorry for your loss!
And in the way you lost your Dad, through suicide.
Here you are, trying to help people by being in the medical profession.
And he gives up, plus, leaving Mom to you.

That would make anyone angry, at a loss, in a void, sorrowful, and needing therapy. You are not alone.

Depression is anger turned inward. It is unexpressed anger.
It could even feel like a slap in the face, that Dad did this to you.
In my opinion, someone's suicide had nothing at all to do with you,
not thinking at all of those left behind. It was your Dad, so you might feel abandoned, even though you are an adult. It is a sad loss for you.

Therapy will help you, imo.

Keep checking back, let us know how you are.
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It doesn't get better, which is why there are now so many assisted living residences for those who can afford them. And try to remember that in 25 years or whatever, you may well turn into your mother, and what kind of example do you want to set for the younger generation who may take care of you? I am glad I have the resources and the willingness to go to assisted living or nursing home when I can no longer live independently. I don't want to burden my children, who are not very close to me anyway as I was a career-oriented woman, with my care. I would prefer to die before go to nursing home/memory care, but I suspect the window of time between the day you get the diagnosis and the day you are no longer mentally capable of suicide is very small.
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First of all, so sorry for the shocking loss of your father. It's totally understandable that the ground feels a little shaky under your feet right now.

Your mother is no doubt feeling much the same mix of shock, grief, abandonment, anger, and guilt that you are, but her declining mental state gives her far fewer and less effective tools to cope and process it all. It may also be that the apparently self-indulgent behaviors spark resentment in you because your responsibilities to her and your school program require you to pull yourself together whether you feel like it or not. And everyone grieves in their own way, so it's likely she is doing the best she can.

Its perfectly OK for you to feel detached from your mother, and not out of line at all with your chosen profession. You can think of your caregiver role as a professional one. Anyone on the helping professions has to develop a certain level if clinical detachment.

Is your mother under the care of a geriatric psychiatrist? It would not be a bad idea to have the progression of her dementia evaluated, especially since you suspect your father of minimizing it. The same person could be helpful in setting her up with some behavioral therapy and perhaps some antidepressant medication to help her.

You are in a stressful, high-stakes education program, assuming more caregiving responsibility for your mother, and grieving your father's death. So you are allowed to take a little space from your mothers emotional life and take care of yourself, first.
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You have shut down enotionally to protect yourself from pain and more pain. It also might be depression. Numbing out. This is normal given your circumstances.
Your mother could also very well be suffering from depression. The unkempt appearance, grumpy/ crabbyness, lashing out.

Both of you need help. Can you hire someone to help, even if its for an hour or 2 a week? Give yourself a break. It could be a college kid who likes to be around the aged. Maybe they are going into Nursing/OT/PT and need the hours or it looks good on a resume. The elderly can put on a good front to strangers. Enjoy talking and hanging out with someone who is not family. Unfort family can get abused behind closed doors.
Do not move her in with you. It is more than you can handle right now.

You need a break and so does you mom. When was the last time you did something just for you? Something fun? It does not require money to take a walk, do your nails, a beauty appt, take a relaxing bath while listening to music. Meditate etc. Or have a girls day out and reconnect with the daughter for lunch, some shopping, a movie etc.
You need to address your depression. It is on both sides of my family, so I know the signs well.
You need to take care of you, b4 you can take care of anyone else. Id take mom and yourself to the docs office. Id go to someone that specializes in depression. They know the proper dosage. Most GPs do not and dont prescribe the correct dosage.
This will subside in time. I think it is compounded by having to take care of your mom on top of a busy life. I would get help instead of waiting it out. Good luck.
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Wow! I am overwhelmed by the responses and thank you ALL for your input. What a wise group of people. I feel the love.

Even from the one person who asked "what is WRONG with you?" I get it. I knew I sounded cold. And as another person did say, I was putting my thoughts out there to a group of people I knew had some experience with at least parts of my situation. But hey, my thoughts are selfish. I get it. I don't like myself lately.

I do want to clarify a few things:
1. I got mom a counselor. She saw one in when she lived with my brother a few months one time but my bro and SIL convinced her it was too expensive. I was appalled and got her one immediately when she moved back here that takes Medicare. Mom really likes her counselor and felt good to be "validated" that she had been through hell. I just saw a counselor myself today for the first time.
2. Pretty immediately after my father's death, I got my mom into her provider, and she was written an antidepressant. Her PCP follows her closely and she has an appt. Thursday.
3. I could write a completely separate post on my mom and her STUBBORN attitude towards doctors/meds. Because of her years of thinking she knew more than her doctors and me, she is in stage 3/4 Kidney failure. She never took her BP meds. Anytime I would ask her about it she would pretty much tell me to back off. Well, last year (before dad died), mom had a scary episode of a complete cognitive decline, falling asleep while talking to me. She was admitted into the hospital in acute kidney failure. This was when she finally knew it was time to get serious about taking her BP meds. But even JUST yesterday, she told me to back off and she was NOT getting blood work at her appt. on Thursday. She said she doesn't want to know and is tired of everyone worrying about her BP. Except...I'm the one who picks up the pieces when things go south. But oh well.

So, I'll close with YES....I know I have to get help. I got mom help first actually. She's on antidepressants and has a counselor. Like I said, I just saw mine today for the first time.

I truly appreciate all of the kind words. And the "keeping it real" ones. I like the "fake it til you make it" and the "pray for a servant's heart", and the reassurance that I'm just going through a bit of a horrid time myself and I may just be a little numb.

Thank you all. I'll keep you posted.
Lots of love.
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Thank you for posting this. It has been over a year since MIL moved in and my attitude feels like it has gotten worse, not better even though I am going to counseling and so is my husband and I together! I am also homeschooling our 3 daughters 4, 13, & 15. I feel like MIL will live forever...she is 70. She can still take care of herself and drive. I do her wash and clean her room/bathroom. She’s had breast cancer off and on for the last 30 years. My husband felt that she needed to move in with us or a friend because of her declining health and financial situation. She refused to ask a friend so we moved into a house to accommodate her. She has been mean to my 13 yr old and treats my 15 yr old like an adult. I am constantly reminding her that I am the mother of my 4 yr old. Especially since she has different parenting views and never supports or encourages me or my husband in our role as parents. She has a typical entitled mentality. No thanks for dinner or washing/cleaning. Didn’t even sign “Love,” on my birthday card last month...kind of thankful that at least she was being honest. That’s enough for now...just wanted to say that I feel the same struggle and guilt. Unfortunately I’m “stuck” with her until she passes...great way to live...just turned 40 myself. Wish I could snap my fingers and be as sweet as Mary Poppins 24/7.
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I believe you're experiencing this inner conflict because of the nature of your occupation. After working in hosp for 20 years myself, I know that we must constantly review our patient's progress or decline; implement strategies. But in our minds, as we continue this role with sick a family member, (not intending to criticize or judge them at all), we may get their resentment. The professional identity, believes we can help our loved one the way we help our patients. Often the loved one doesn't respond, (but they do respond to a stranger offering the exact same counsel). Its the relationship with you that she seeks now, I think, cuz she can't get "straight-up" love from anyone else. As she dies, she wants to die with you loving, instead of advising. Let the 'stranger caregiver' advise her instead. From one "pro" to another, I understand your conflict.✌
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Ebmick,not sure why but I didn't have the option offered to reply to your last post so doing it here. I know all too well the not wanting to know and not wanting to take med's as prescribed...and all the reasons/excuses that go with it over the years. I also know all too well what happens and who's lives get interrupted and who suffers when not following directions/caring for themselves properly causes an "event". Your mom's therapist might be able to help here, I know for us when it was made clear to my mom that the people she was putting out, making suffer and causing to worry/making anxious (she understands this emotion) was her kids, the people taking care of her and enabling her to live where she wants, her tune often changes and it has often been her therapist who is able to point this out. My mom cared for her mom for years and mom's therapist reminds her often of what it was like for her when she was in our place and her mom was being difficult or stubborn. We also have often used the last 15 min or so of her appointments for one or both of us to come in and talk about things either we or she need to as well as scheduling separate appointments a few times for all of us to talk about things we felt we or she needed Pat (her therapist)to help present or talk through over the last 2-3 years since her stroke.

Just a thought. My brothers and I will ask her to do something for us or point out the stress she is putting on us, gently on our own too depending on the subject. She has had enough trips to the ER because of things she wasn't doing well, diabetes, heart, not drinking enough fluids, not medicating right that reminding her we are just trying to prevent another trip again often helps to bring her around too, it's all part of taking care of us by taking care of herself.

Sounds like you are doing everything right for both of you though, don't be so hard on yourself. I would be thrilled to have you working with my mom. :)
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How are you doing today?
I am visiting you as the Grinch, He had a very kind heart, deep down.
I forced myself to watch this silly movie, and found the villian was endearing with his truth.
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Ebmick, well done. I hope you felt it was beneficial.

Your mom may just be done. I understand being the one that picks up the pieces but sometimes you just can't help someone until they drag bottom.

You are not awful just overwhelmed. One step at a time right now. You got this!

Hugs!
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