I am 32 years old and getting married in 4 weeks. My mother recently told me that she was kicked out of her apartment in another state and has no where to go. She has many medical issues that go untreated because she spends what little money she can come up with on frivolous things. She has been on unemployment for years. She has sold off all of her belongings and expects me to offer her to live in my one bedroom house with my future husband and our 3 pets. We can't even stand her visiting for more that a few days, let alone move in. We are at each others throats when she is here because of all the lies she tells and forces us into. We are planning a wedding and trying to cope with recovering from the hurricane which has left my fiancee out of work. How do I help her without ruining my wedding or relationship, or how do I tell her how I feel without it coming between us? I cry myself to sleep every night over who comes first..my mom or my future husband.
There's no Waltons happy ending with a couple of seniors with their own age related issues doing 24/7 hands on care for two or three elderly parents. Boundaries are necessary in some families to achieve a modicum of balance between our own responsibilities and those we take on to aid our parents.
You also blame this site for your poor relationship with your daughter. It sounds like you are not looking at what behaviors might be driving your daughter away. This website HAS given people perspective. It has helped me set boundaries with my mom - who will steam roll right over me and guilt me about what a daughter "owes" her. She feels that I owe her over my husband and son. My mom never acknowledges that any of her behaviors could be driving us away - it is always someone else's fault. I see much of that in your responses.
As many as 10 million families lost their homes to foreclosure during the housing crisis. Most of those families did not wind up living on the street. The one family I know scrambled when the foreclosure became a sure thing, and wound up moving directly into another house. I have a disabled friend who lives from hand to mouth and has horrible credit, but he has never been without a place to live.
How many places have you applied to rent? 3? 10? 100? It only takes one landlord wiling to rent to you, but it may take a big effort to find that one. Have you been saving money hand over fist while living in your car? Could you offer to pay several months rent in advance?
There are firms that help people with poor credit find apartments. There are many articles on the internet about ways to increase your chances. Instead of moaning about the state of family life, get busy and find a place to live.
When your adult children were living with you, were they paying rent? Wasn't that enough to avoid foreclosure? Perhaps, in hindsight, "doing and doing and doing" for one's children is not always the best way to raise them. As for blaming this site or others like it for your daughter's attitudes, do you really think that a few hours of reading the words of strangers can overcome years of upbringing? Who raised your son and daughter to take and not give back (if that is in fact what is happening)? Maybe some setting some boundaries would have been a good thing for you to do.
I hear you being very judgmental of your daughter. She must apologize before you'll reconcile. (Apologize for what? Not inviting you to live with her? Daring to suggest you need help with your mental health? Living her own life?) I think it would be a huge mistake to try to live together at this point. Get back on your feet financially. Get your affairs in order. And then work on repairing your relationship with your daughter, if that seems worthwhile. In an airplane you are told to put your own oxygen mask on first. I think that applies here, too. Help yourself first.
And then this young lady moves in with her dad and is asked to share a 10' x 12' bedroom and a tiny closet with an elderly lady she is not related to and probably doesn't know. What are you thinking?
You now have two bedrooms and a storage room. You need three bedrooms. Make a project out of converting the storage room back into a bedroom. Housing his daughter has to come ahead of your husband having his own closet. I don't know what your yard is like or your climate, but perhaps a small storage shed would be helpful now. I assume your husband was paying child support and that he isn't now. Use that money to make your home welcoming to his daughter.
I understand why you want to keep Mom with you, and I hope that works out. You can't afford a studio apartment for her, but what can she afford? Doesn't she get SS? Have you looked into subsidized housing for her? There is often a waiting list for those apartments, so even if she qualifies and wants that kind of independence she may still be with your for months. It is important to get that storage room turned into a bedroom.
Anyone who marries a person with minor children, no matter what the circumstances are at the time of the marriage, should be prepared to have the children become a part of their household. It doesn't always happen, but it happens often enough to be a factor in the marriage decision.
This is a very difficult situation. But it can be resolved, and all four people can share the house and the love. It should not be either your mother or your stepdaughter. You need a solution that respects the needs of both of these loved ones.
my mother is disabled with no income and I am the only one who helps her for everything. I pay rent bills and for food for both of us. but I just got married and my husband wants me to stay with him in his apartment which is totally understandable but I am scare if I leave my mother alone who will pay rent and bills and there is no one who can take care of her. eventually I have to leave her and wont be able to help her for long term because I'm pregnant and will get maternity leave soon. so I will not be able to help her financially. there is any government low who can help her out with this situation pay her rent and bills as she is old and disabled. her legal status is permanent residence but she has completed her 5 years in united states and going to get the citizenship soon. please guide