I am 32 years old and getting married in 4 weeks. My mother recently told me that she was kicked out of her apartment in another state and has no where to go. She has many medical issues that go untreated because she spends what little money she can come up with on frivolous things. She has been on unemployment for years. She has sold off all of her belongings and expects me to offer her to live in my one bedroom house with my future husband and our 3 pets. We can't even stand her visiting for more that a few days, let alone move in. We are at each others throats when she is here because of all the lies she tells and forces us into. We are planning a wedding and trying to cope with recovering from the hurricane which has left my fiancee out of work. How do I help her without ruining my wedding or relationship, or how do I tell her how I feel without it coming between us? I cry myself to sleep every night over who comes first..my mom or my future husband.
You owe your moms compassion but you don't owe them a blank check to come into your lives and wreak havoc on your living arrangements and relationships. Your moms have made their own choices that weren't very good ones. But that doesn't mean you have to step in and take up the slack for their bad choices. As long as they have you to be *the adult* and bail them out, they don't have to take responsibility for their own choices. So drop the guilt and listen to your "adopted aunties" on here and set firm boundaries with your moms. Let me repeat that - firm boundaries. You've gotten lots of great advice on here...now just follow through. It won't be easy, but you'll be setting the stage for a happy life for yourself and your OWN new family of husband and pets.
I am in the exact same situation except I just got married and have two stepsons full time in our two bedroom house. We have no room yet my mom is in a hotel thanks to Salvation Army. I'm so lost on what to do and heartbroken. It's easy for people to say what should be done when it's not their parent. I'm just curious what happened. What did you find. I'm desperate for help and appreciate any advice. Thanks for anything you can offer for advice
Stay strong and let us know how you make out. (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) Joan
Frankly I think your relationship with her is already damaged - not by anything you have done, but by what your mother has, and is doing. She is narcissistic and will insist on coming first -before anyone in your life, and not care what that does to you. That is very unhealthy. A heathy mother would be supporting you at this time any way she could. You cannot have a healthy relationshi with someone who behaves as she does. In my experience, you need to grieve that you never had nor will have the mother that you needed/need, accept her as she is, give her the assistance that is absoolutely necessary, but do NOT allow her into your home, or into your marriage. Your husband comes first, without question.
Are there any boarding facilities (such as a Y with beds) in your area? Transitional housing? Would she qualify for subsidized housing? (There is usually a waiting list, but the sooner she applies, the sooner her name will work its way up to the top.) What is the least expensive clean by-the-week motel in your area? Have some options in mind. She shows up, you take her to a moderate-priced restaurant, have a nice meal, show her the list and offer to give her a ride to the one of her choice.
If she moves to your area then you need to contact the Social Services folks in the county she moved to.
Is she on disability payments? Is she qualified?
There are many ways you can/should help her if she is willing to let you. But moving her in with you is definitely not one of them. Be very clear about that in your own mind and in your conversations with soon-to-be husband.
Try not to get so anxious about your wedding. In spite of the myths surrounding that event, it is seldom the best day in your life -- and wouldn't it be sad if you had the best day at age 32 and had nothing better to look forward to? Sure, it is special and you want it to be awesome. But if some small wedding task doesn't get done now because you have to run around making contingency plans for your mother or spend time talking to social workers, etc. your wedding won't be ruined. If your mother is angry and behaves badly before or during your wedding, that reflects badly on her, and would wreck your wedding only if you take the attitude that it is ruined.
You seem to be talking yourself into the position that you'll have no choice if she shows up. That is simply not true.
Next time she tells you she has a job lined up in NJ, ask her where she is planning to live. If she says she'll stay with you, explain firmly that you and sweetie have decided you need to live alone, so that won't be possible, but that you will help her look for lodging near where she will be working. She gets angry? Well, you can't control that, but if you lose your mom over that then I guess there was something fundamentally flawed in that relationship to start with. I think it is better to deal with this on the phone, soon, than to risk having her show up without plans.
And BTW, if your mother threatens to boycott your wedding over this, stay firm. "That is your choice, Mother. We will miss having you share this important milestone in my life, but you need to do what you think best." Do not be blackmailed.
You do have a responsibility toward your mother, too, (in most cases). Where is Mother now? Living in a homeless shelter? Living under a bridge? Call Social Services in her county, explain the situation, and ask them to visit her to do an intake assessment. Unemployment benefits eventually run out; your mother cannot have been on that for years (although that is what she may have told you), so I wonder if she is already getting some kind of benefits and if she has a case worker. The Social Services person should be able to determine that.
The county Social Services department here is awesome, but I understand that in some states it is overwhelmed and underbudgetted and may not be able to help in a timely manner. If that is the case where your mother is, then I'd contact Adult Protection Services and explain your mother's eviction.
Do everything you can to see that your mother has a clean, safe place to live -- NOT WITH YOU. If this means you take a few days off from planning your wedding and go to her state, so be it. But do what you can by telephone first.
Congratulations on your upcoming wedding. Building a strong relationship with your husband is now your first priority. Don't abandon your mother, and do give her reasonable help.
Let us know how this plays out. We learn from each other!