That is the last thing I want to hear. also people at work ask how my husband is i tell them very weak and depressed. they say very hateful. well he isnt going to get well overnight. that is like telling someone who is walking through the desert and is thirsty and tired and worn out that you are not going to get out of the desert overnight it will take a long time. they offer no help. no water no nothing. i would rather they just keep their mouth shut. i am so tired of the comments. i dont know if my husband will ever get back to normal and be well. i do know i love him with all my heart. i know there is nothing i would not do for him. he is my heart and i love him so much. i am just tired.
I've spent 20 years in the trenches. I know how hard and abusive it is. My life has been threatened twice. My wife has suffered much verbal abuse some of which was exactly like her family of origin. Our two boys have been made to feel like orphans. We've hardly been to church on a regular basis for the last 7 years, carry a lot post traumatic church experience pain which means that when our buttons get pushed we just stay away from church. We are still Christians, but not so religious and we enjoy the freedom to live as normal people. Eastern TN, Eastern KY, all of WV, Western NC, remote rural areas of NC, anything almost east of I-95 NC, etc. but even in the urban areas too. Not everything that glitters about a church means it's warm and loving on the inside.
sanity is a commodity that is fleeting when you are someones 24/7/365 everything caregiver. Love, Yes. Duty Yes, easy Hell no!
you are a brave soul and your Hubby and Kids are lucky to have you. My heart goes out to you. i'm here. every day. because this is my only link to sanity amongst people who can even conceive of what we go through as caregivers. Keep Going strong. Vent here all you want and we will listen. I will listen. ~ nutz
i ve been to church many years ago and didnt care too much for preacher pointin fingers at whoever showed up , i thought we re not suppose to judge poeple ...
I can truly relate to your original statement on this thread. When people ask and you hope they will give a supportive answer they give some thoughtless response. I've learned in the last three years that it is best to vent here where people can understand the challenges of caregiving. I have gotten to the point I really don't share much of the day to day caregiving with anyone since all I get are negative reactions. This site has truly been a life saver to me. And I mean "life saver" since I have gone through severe bouts a depression through my caregiving journey.
Keep talking and venting on this site and it will help. Also, contact any and every agency you can find to get some respite care. Check the Aging Commission for your state and county. You can't take care of your husband unless you try get yourself some rest. We aren't the enegizer bunnies, our batteries do run out and we need to be recharged.
I'll keep looking for your posts! Dtflex
In learning how to die we might also be taught to live. All the "God talk" you keep hearing is designed to give you strength and help you develop the appropriate attitude to death and dying. But when a painful loss seems to be looming over the horizon, however, some people come up and mechanically utter the "right" things that make you feel even worse. They've already said it, but don't realize that the smart thing to do is back off a little and let you do the necessary soul searching to get through this.
When you're running from yourself there's no place to hide. Religion, then, would be nothing but a refuge at this point. The unconditional love you have for your husband is your "rock," and even though you're tired surrender is not an option for you. You'll never forgive yourself if you did.
Always at your service,
-- ED
Hope that you have had a better day today, Yvonne.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, we've all been there and we all realize at some point, that it's up to us to find ways to help ourselves to a few moments of peace. It's not just going to magically happen.
It's that hardest thing to bear something unbearable and then have to swat away platitudes is an extra burden.
Storyteller Laura Simms made me post a story on her website called the Tree that Absorbed Tears. A young bride got stuck marrying a man who started to abuse her. Her mother visited, and the daughter poured out her sorrows. The mother said to find a tree in the forest, and each day to unburden her heart to the tree. So the daughter did.
When the mother visited a few months later, she asked if the situation had changed with the husband. No, he was still beating her, but somehow the daughter was bearing up with more courage and strength.
Then they both went to see the tree. It had died. The bride's tears had killed it. There was proof to the daughter that her pain was real, witnessed by the death of the tree.
The storytellers who then discussed this story broke into two camps. One side made rainbows rise from the mist of her tears, moss grow on the wood, birds nest in the bough, flowers bloom at the base. They wanted a good result to come from the suffering.
The other half of us defended the death of the tree. Some events are so painful that there should be just witness to them.
That story has helped me bear the difficulties of 8 years of sole 24/7 caregiving, after the grief giving up all I had created for "my" life.
And no where in the Bible does it say 'God helps those who help themselves'. Just like it doesn't say that 'money is the root of all evil' It's the 'LOVE OF MONEY' Both of these sayings are misquoted from the Bible. If we're supposed to 'help' ourselves, then what's with this verse?
Hebrews 4:16:
Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace, that we may obtain mercy, and find grace to help in time of need.
Doesn't mean that life doesn't suck like a vacuum at times though.
However, if we ask God to help us and do nothing to see what outside resources are available, it's like asking God to help us find a job, but then doing nothing as if God in going to bring employers to us or like trusting God to help us on an exam, but not studying for it. I liken this to the story about the Christian who died and went to heaven very angry before God after dying in a horrible flood. He said, God I asked you and trusted you to save me from that mess. God's reply was, an announcement was made to evacuate; vans came buy for those who needed help to get out; when you were on the roof; there was a rescue boat that came by; but you said no to every one of these opportunities to get out. Sometimes people can fall into the trap of being overly passive in their faith to the point of inactivity and mental lethargy.
Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 (New International Version)
9 Two are better than one,
because they have a good return for their work:
10 If one falls down,
his friend can help him up.
But pity the man who falls
and has no one to help him up!
Let's lift one another up in prayer.. and stay out of our pity party of a pit! Cry if you need to, laugh if you must... get it off your shoulders, fellow caregivers!
I hear you loud and clear and I'm so sorry you're hurting.
Whenever I hear a story like yours, I just tell the person that I'll be praying for a speedy recovery and offer some help....not that they'll take me up on it, but I think it's nice to hear. Bless you, Yvonne, for all you endure.
On another day, she needed to go to the b/r, so I helped her over to the b/r and she was given a piece of tp to wipe with. To make a long story short, she asked--"Where's my vagina and butt?" I answered, "down below" and pointed to the area.
She said, "Nuh, uh--and pointed and said, it's over there on the table." I told her, "It's part of your body!"
At different points, she asks Jesus to help her. This is not a life. It's DEFINITELY not the life I want for myself when I get older.
I used to gag and get all grossed out, now it's just another part of my day. Pretty sad!!!
If we can whack away all the pain of the sacrifices, the financial ruin, the emotional rollercoaster, the abandonment, the loneliness, the (fill in the blank), the BS and the real poop...there is something about this long term caregiving which does build CHARACTER.
Was thinking on creating a line of t-shirts with the saying
"I am a caregiver..."
CHARACTER
starts where
CONVENIENCE
e n d s
I am going to put my other saying on a separate post, in case certain words get censored...
"I am a caregiver..."
CHARACTER
starts where
THE CRAP
b e g i n s
Suddenly the MOI that usually bemoaned how $10 day (my pay) didn't buy squat, and that I had no time for myself, and nobody helping me...I found myself offering to give up that money, go on early Social Security, give up the days at Mom's day care center...to save money to keep Mom in her home for the rest of her life. "It isn't enough," she said. "Get her ready to go."
Turns out the PG's trust dept had bungled in how they requested funds from Mom's reverse mortgage, and the financial picture changed for the better so that danger passed.
But meanwhile, the genie had been let out of the bottle...more like The Hulk. I knew what I was made of...even if it was a little green.