Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Part of the BIG problem is that he is home alone with nothing to do but ruminate on everything. Then blast you about it.
Try to find him a hobby. Maybe some games of cards, or a forum of some type maybe online. He can get on there and rant and write, till the cows come home. Or something else online to occupy him. Someone to write an opinion back. Just be careful he doesnt get catfished! Maybe you can monitor on occasion to make sure hes not giving $ away to some love in nigeria.
My dad loved the history channel on tv. He couldnt believe 1 channel dedicated to all things military. Or the history channel, or the one about cars. I parked him in front of that; and him and ww2 were a match made in heaven. Occupied him for hours. Im talking like 8 hours straight. We had problems prying him away from it. Taped some shows for him too. Thats hours your dad can be preoccupied with things that interest him, and not bugging you lol. Good luck!
Hard cider huh?. A friend showed me a youtube vid of an english group called the Wertzels. Their song was about drinking hard cider lol.
Remember Im at a music festival, minimal phone signal, no power, little internet. I'd already told Dad I wouldn't be phoning him.
So I get fbook message from brother "phone dad urgently". I reply "whats up?". Another reply "just phone him now!". So I think get stuffed its obviously nothing if you can't even tell me.
He then messages my wife. Really. "Tell Paul to phone dad now". Wife responds "look whats the problem, theres little signal here, its not going to be possible". So then she gets a long message telling her how selfish we both are because we can't spare 5 mins.
Lets just say she is not impressed. And I can't blame her.
I didn't phone Dad. I called him last night. This was all over a letter hes had from the electric company telling him his payment is overdue. I've sorted it out this morning and got it all done (just confusion because he switched suppliers).
Dad swears blind that he didnt ask brother to contact me. Not sure here. Past experience has shown he panics and expects all hands on deck. I went mad, between the pair of them they pretty much ruined my weekend. Wife is on the warpath and wants something sorted.
What on earth the pair of them expected for me to sort out, sitting in a field, 75 miles from home with dodgy mobile signal I'll never know.
A little perspective, please. Quite what you were doing on Facebook when you were supposed to be enjoying the music I've no idea; but I would note that you can hardly feel aggrieved about being expected to respond when there's no decent internet connection, AND complain that brother was harassing you on F/b.
A little logic wouldn't hurt, either. If the message comes from brother to call father, brother ergo must be in contact with father. Ergo father is attended by son. Ergo no need whatever for your assistance. Your options are:
Reply "No."
Reply "Sure" and do it on Monday.
Ignore message.
Delete message.
Block contact.
So endless options, really - but you go for the "get into a barney and then resent it."
Ruined your weekend, indeed! Balls. Who did you see?
Online no never. He doesnt "get" the internet anyway!
I remember last time I was in Florida and seeing "HARD" cider. Couldn't stop laughing why in the US they call it HARD cider.....
In the UK, the alcoholic version is CIDER. Anything else is just called APPLE JUICE....
Turns out brother was in work on Saturday. His wife had gone to see Dad and at this point the "bill" was there so between them dumb and dumber decided I had to have some input. Why I'll never know.
I did block him. And hes still blocked and will remain so now.
Thing is my wife and I disagree on how to handle Dad. She thinks I should tell him to cut out the behaviour or I'll cut him off completely.
BUT, she mainly leaves me alone but wants nothing to do with him which is fine. Of course this time she got dragged into it....
The Cure were my highlight. Kylie for the wife...
Many queues. Unfortunately, I was a bit ill over the weekend. Wont give too many details but the toilet queues were not my friend. :-)
I am going to put her on my iPhone and bop round the room. You may draw a veil over that image if you wish.
Don't let the few minutes that the bollocks took up cloud over the entire weekend.
Block block block. That way you have downtime from them. Its obvious they cannot be trusted if you tell them your on vacation or going out for fun. They will continue to ruin your good time bc they can. I also think they are jealous your having fun. Dont let them ruin it!
You are expecting your father to change.
He won't. The only thing you can do is change your reaction to him. Which as CM points out, is to not respond when you KNOW someone else is there.
You can only change your own stripes, not his.
Does your wife think that having a blowup with him will change anything?
It won't.
paulfoel123 says "...he does have plenty to do...", but clearly not ENOUGH! He needs to fill up more of his time!
paulfoel123 says "I did block him. And hes still blocked and will remain so now." Hopefully wife has also blocked him. This should remain so until you can have a good long talk (if possible) with brother and explain that your dad is playing this game and is using/pitting you against one another. If he doesn't feel its true, then tell HIM to handle the situation instead of calling you AND that he'll remain blocked. He is a grown man and doesn't need to run to big brother to fix his or dad's "issues". Dad insists he needs food, bro can get it. Dad needs help sorting out a bill, bro can do it. Dad needs laundry or cleaning done, bro can do it. Dad wants to cry in his beer, bro can bring beer and cry with him. If he has to take over as whipping boy, he WILL be crying in his beer soon enough! He either works with you, or he goes it alone. DO cut dad off and let bro take on this role. Until you have walked a mile in someone else's shoes...
paulfoel123 also says "She thinks I should tell him to cut out the behaviour or I'll cut him off completely." I'm leaning in your wife's direction... But with a slight twist - cut it out OR it is time for..... the... HOME.
Remember what Countrymouse said (Don't let the few minutes that the bollocks took up cloud over the entire weekend.) Only YOU can spoil your day, weekend, vacation, etc. Treat them like the spam calls we get so many of here, that interrupt us at the worst times: dismiss call, if message is left (thankfully not many do leave one), dial in to messages and delete, move on or back to what you were doing. Forget about the call/contact.
On another note... while I DO know what bollocks are, some expressions Countrymouse uses are foreign to me/us and I have to look them up (had to do this when watching YouTube episodes of Time Team, sometimes even to question the pronunciation of some words!)
Countrymouse - "get into a barney" Here that would mean getting into a purple dino costume! For you, a row/argument.
paulfoel123 says "Couldn't stop laughing why in the US they call it HARD cider.....
In the UK, the alcoholic version is CIDER. Anything else is just called APPLE JUICE...."
In the US there are actually 3 items: apple juice, cider and hard cider. They are ALL different. Apple juice is highly refined. Cider is mashed and strained (this can be "made"/purchased at a farm stand, while you wait, during apple picking season.) Hard cider is what it is.
From https://www.tastingtable.com/drinks/national/apple-cider-difference-vs-apple-juice
"Apple cider is made from apples that are washed, cut and ground into an "apple mash" similar to applesauce. The mash is then wrapped in cloth and pressed into fresh juice. ... On the other hand, apple juice undergoes filtration to remove pulp and is then pasteurized to extend the shelf life."
Also from that site:
"Apple juice can sit unopened in your cabinet for months, but apple cider is perishable and should be refrigerated. Unpasteurized cider can even start to ferment and turn into hard cider over time."
So, laughing aside, they ARE very different... Perhaps you only have apple juice and <ahem> cider, but we have the in-between, healthier version of apple "juice".
Paul - humor me for a minute. Pretend you're in dad's and brother's head, what thoughts go through their minds when they decide to call you while you're in the middle of _____ (fill in the blank)
Do you think they think:
"Hmm. I wonder what Paul is doing. Is he busy? Is this a good time to talk?"
"I wonder if Paul has time to help with _____________."
"Paul is working so I should wait until later."
Do you think they even think about you? Or more like:
"I need _________. I'm going to call Paul and make him come."
"I don't really need food, but i will say I do so that he would have to come."
"I'll say I'm hurt, so that Paul will feel guilty and he'll come."
"I'll try to fall and get myself in the hospital, so that Paul will have to stop whatever he's doing and tend to me."
My guess is that they don't give a rat's ass about you, your work, your life, your children, your wife, your anything. It's all about what they can get from you and make you do.
You need to rethink your relationship with them.
Jasmina - definitely too. These "emergencies" always seem to happen when I'm away like I said. I know full well in a way its a test to ensure I'm putting him first.
DisgustedToo - Yes brother is a complete idiot. Its his thats enabling Dad and allowing him to be the way he is to be honest. Dad has always been like that - if someone does something hes in there like a shot.
Ha ha. I understand CM. We only live 50-60 miles away from each other I think. (albeit shes in England, Im in Wales - different countries).
And no we dont have non-alcoholic cider like that. (well we do but its like you have non-alcohol beer if you know what I mean). Still funny hard cider....
(I always heard that you lot over there thought the name British Gas is funny - in the UK we have electricity and gas generally. Not sure what you'd call it just not Gas I guess. Natural gas - to use in cookers, overs, heating systems etc.)
Dad had a letter of Saturday telling him his payment was overdue and they MIGHT ultimately take him to court etc. Of course, hes panicked. Brothers wife was visiting anyway, so of course Dad is kicking off now. Shes thick as two short planks and couldn't get anywhere with them. Brother, who was in work, then decided my input was needed....
All it was was confusion switching from one company to another. Sorted in 30 mins by me yesterday. Dad still does not understand why it wasn't an emergency. Ive explained that yes it was a bit OTT but you don't get letters on a saturday then have the bailiffs kicking down your door on the monday.
Once again hes apologised (this is wearing a bit thin now). I've told him because of his and brothers actions hes now had his lot with my wife - quite rightly. Also, brother is now blocked so because hes abused this, he will no longer be able to ask brother to contact me.
He tried the old getting upset routine (seen this so many times) until I pointed out to him this is about the 3rd/4th time this has happened now and its all been caused by him once again.... The tears stopped in seconds.
To be honest, he'll never learn. After all this, I've had "you'll have to visit sunday I've not got any food". Jeez.... I was going to visit anyway but honestly...
If you're a keen listener to consumer whine-ins, you'll be aware that the utilities providers have had their knuckles rapped countless times about not frightening little old people. Two things you can do:
- get him onto the new company's vulnerable customers list. It's a phone call, takes seconds.
- depending on the wording of the letter and how satisfied you are with it, make a complaint. It should, for example, have a big block capital heading on it somewhere saying "WHAT TO DO NOW" and another saying "IF YOU NEED HELP." If those aren't there, growl at them.
He was with an energy company that went bust last year. All the accounts got moved over to scottish power so DD continued etc.
They've taken since then to sort out the final bills (well the administrators have). I did have email two weeks ago which I missed but no actual physical letter. Looks like 2nd time they sent a letter and email.
I went to Flipper in the end. And I still had to bare my teeth at the supplier over a delayed final statement.
I find the whole thing stressful enough, I actually can't quite blame your Dad for feeling a little bit tearful. But one trick worth trying - tell him to switch on the light. Is it working? Yes. Good. Relax.
Well they swapped him over to Scottish Power in November, took until June to provide a final statement (I missed the email) then two weeks later sent a snotty letter. It is a but much.
BUT, as I've explained to Dad, and as you quite rightly say, a letter received on a Saturday can wait to be dealt with on the monday. They are not going to sent bailliffs in on the monday. Like you said, lights working. No emergency.
Also, I can't think of ANYTHING that could have happened, with brother there, that needed me to rush home to be honest and add any value.
Her regular doctor thought it was "nothing but old age". My brother thought it was a "pity party".
When we threw in the towel and told mom she HAD to move to a supportive living environment where there could be folks around to cope with these "emergencies", it took her new geriatrics doc exactly one visit to refer her to geriatric psychiatry. It took geriatric psych exactly two visits to refer mom for cognitive testing. Which showed she'd had a stroke and that all of this anxiety stemmed from cognitive impairments--mom now had the reasoning abilities of a six year old. How could she NOT panic.
But I've told you this story before.
BUT in a way, hes always been like this. Dad, even in his 50s, could have won awards for being small minded, stubborn, and getting ideas is his head.
I always remember, he'd get a utility bill in the post, he'd put his coat on and be down the post office by 9am with a bundle of cash "just in case they cut him off for not paying". I'd explain time and time again, send a cheque. I'd point out the payment required date. No avail.
Apart from setting fire to my bedroom (I was reading by candlelight and - long story.) all I really remember about the power cuts was a certain survivalist style excitement; but if you were trying to get to work or run a household they were a PAIN. It would make sense to me that your father feels about energy bills the way he might about running out of petrol - not taking any chances on that.
When you have your father's medical records in front of you and you have sat down in front of his GP and thoroughly discussed the care plan, then you can justly complain that they won't listen. But you haven't, have you.
Do it or don't do it, either is fine. But half doing it, you just end up with the worst of all worlds - all the circular arguments and hard feelings, and with nothing to show for it.
I've asked Dad if we can go to GP together and discuss and hes point blank refused to allow this because "I'm being silly - theres no need"
I've asked him to let me set up a POA and hes refused this also "No need for all that messing around".
I've discussed all this with his GP again and they've repeated that they feel there is no medical need for further investigations for Dementia. Also, in their opinion, Dad has mental capacity to make his own decisions which they are obliged to abide by.
Same with the Social. They won't do a thing. Lady I spoke to was very sympathetic and said she'd seen it so many times, old people making bad choices, but, at the end of the day they can't force anything.
p.s. Born 1968 so don't remember!
You can also download the health and welfare LPA forms from the .gov website and make a start. Even if your father won't complete the process, the forms are so well thought-through and laid out that they help to concentrate the mind on the right questions; and that again you don't need anyone's permission for.
I'm new here and don't know your full story, but I just learned about this document: https://www.fhca.org/members/qi/clinadmin/global.pdf It is entitled "The Global Deterioration Scale for Assessment of Primary Degenerative Dementia" - it's a professional paper that I found very useful. Not sure if this helps in any way! Good luck to you!!
Llamalover47
Cant have it both ways. An almost invalid one day (when he needs to to jump), and very independant the next day.
Tell him to hire someone. When he needs groceries, errands run etc.
He sounds like he is quite oriented and doesnt have dementia. He's too busy ordering you around. Or getting brother to do same. Id back off the care since he seems he is so afraid of getting a POA etc.
The terminating supplier is supposed to provide final statements within 8-10 weeks. When we've all wiped our eyes and stopped splitting our sides over that... it still remains true that for them to take seven months, and then chase up the payment after two weeks, is chutzpah of the first water.
I should give 'em what for.
Trouble is they've gone bust and I understand the administrators have retained a few staff to get final payments is. Chances are they wont give a toss.