Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
He's a wee bit stubborn isn't he? He he
*Cognitive rigidity* I just looked the psychobabble term for it. Mentions ASD a bit - Dad's not on the spectrum is he? (Please don't take offence, just a question. Plenty in my family tree).
No like I said hes got pensions and government income that is separate. Like I said, he doesnt spend all this and it goes into his savings.
He just does not like spending money at all. I think even if he had millions there he would not spend it.
Over the years I've seen him suffer and do without just because he doesn't want to spend even a penny of it.
My wifes a nurse and shes convinced my Dad is. Rigid - jeez. If it worked one way or cost this much in 1970 then it never changes.
Automatic washing machines, mobile phones, mobile phones with handsfree in the car, supermarkets doing home delivery, cars with central locking, the list goes on. All things Dad chooses to be oblivious of.
If your Dad is even a bit similar, living on his own & on your phone constantly you do have my sympathy!
But fight fire with fire I say! Ridgid thinking with ridgid options. A or B - your choice Dad. Leave leave him a while. As CM said, he will pay (begrudgingly) but he will & he did (eventually) get the bathroom & stairs done. Needs time to process & decide.
I would decide how much contact you want. 2 x calls + 1 x visit a week ? - whatever suits you. Make it clear. Blame work. That is the day for shopping, errands. No other day. Up to you if Doctor/other appointments will be on top.
Ask him about shopping, appointments, betting shop. Who would take you/help you if I couldn't? If I broke my leg, or got the flu? So on his kitchen wall you write your number, brother's number, grocery delivery number, taxi number, maybe council/aging home services number.
You both need a backup plan. Then you can say no. And he can just call the next number on his list
Keep to your set day. He will keep pushing so be ready for it! Reward him with a really nice quality time visit when you do go. You are retraining him. *Reabling* him to be more independant (thanks again CM for that idea).
That's plan A. But if all that sounds too hard, go for plan B. Keep on being his man-servant until 'a fall' & then put him in a home. A or B.
Its a long game though. And he keeps playing it and fighting back....
I have to say, if you don't play or fight then he will be playing alone and it truly takes two to tangle. You have to learn to not engage when he is pushing for a fight or wants something that you have already said no too.
I just get silent when my parents try their games, it is really effective, they know why I am not responding and when they say "are you still there?" I will say, "yep, I am here." 95% of the time it causes them to change the subject and the other 5% I say I have to go. I don't give them time to hold me, oh, I love you I HAVE to go now and I hang up, usually as they are saying something to rope me in. It is very hard to do, it feels soooooo rude, but it is far better than me being upset because they won't stop.
Keep chugging through and create your boundaries and enforce them. He may never get it, but it won't be as hard for you because x behavior gets x consequences and that is just how it is, his choice.
You are getting there, it took how many decades to get to the point you were, it will take some time to get through it. You can do it!
I used to take him away for weekends to watch the cricket but his penny pinching got too much. I'd book a hotel - I'd get the cheapest hotel I could find. £28 a night (which is very cheap in the uk) and he'd moan I'd booked a posh hotel (it wasnt!). Then he'd moan a double room would have been cheaper than 2 singles (no way).
Worse of all was he wouldnt pay for food. He'd go without. If I bough a sandwich he'd then nag and nag that I had more money than sense.
In the end I though, you know what, its like skinflints weekend I'm not doing it any more.
You are still left with the head set he had for himself and then created for you, of infinite obligation. Paul, this is in your head. You need to sort yourself out, and I would repeat that counselling for you and a meeting with your mother might help.
Your father’s problems have left him in the position where he is very lonely, very worried about spending money, believes that only family can and should help, and help should be for free. He is totally unreasonable, and is suffering from all the problems of the elderly about feeling out of control about how everything has changed. You didn’t make this happen.
Most of the advice about setting boundaries only makes your father feel worse, and makes you feel more guilty. You are too nice a bloke to want that to happen. Your Dad needs to make a new ‘family’ of people who care for him (both physically and emotionally).
Please get yourself some counselling that includes finding good options for your father, not just boundary setting for you.
I wish that ‘lots of love’ could help. Margaret
Margaret is a wise woman indeed for spotting you need more than the ability to put boundaries in place & keep reinforcing. You can say no all you like but without real alternatives, Dad will keep on calling & the relentless pressure will still be aimed at you.
In fact, this is why my first lot of councelling (for similar family pressure) wasn't all that sucessful! I see that now. Yes I leaned to set boundaries but often the alternatives (to my helping) just wouldn't hold up. Tiny patches over each need, flimsy & falling though on any given day. Calls were still coming - as I imagine for you. Cleaner not there on time, driver late, carer cancelled +++ Needs a manager for it all but my sister cognitively not able to do this, so that was falling my way too. Would your Dad manage his *team* for himself? If so, he may do ok for a while yet. If not able to manage his *team* if you or your brother are not able/willing to do this he may well need to look at moving into assisting type living.
Good luck.
If they don't like the way I do things - hard luck. If Dad is going to make stupid decisions then carry on. Not my problem any more.
I will toast to that idea 🍻
All in favor, say AYE!!
"...I try to step away..." Yoda wisdom says DO or DO NOT, there is NO try!!!! ;-)
And AYE to DO take one step away, not just try.
+1 step back
I stepped back & it was amazing the clarity I gained. Sounds cliched but like stepping back from fog into a light mist day. A few more steps needed to see sunshine again.
Next hurdle is boxing day. I've booked a local restaurant. There is no point in me doing twox 50 mile round trips back to me house when theres no-one there (my wife is working, youngest at grans, teenager well being a teenager in his room).
Can guarantee Dad for some reason will say hes "got to visit" my house....
Stick to your original plan. If you don’t want to pick him up, simply tell him that you have other plans. Leave it at that. If he asks what your plans are, tell him you have another call that you must answer and hang up.
Don’t answer if he calls back. You’re busy, busy, busy. Busy avoiding him.
Enjoy your holidays!
Paul,
Just had another thought. Can you program your phone to forward all of his calls to go to your dear brother’s phone? Hahaha, you know I am being a bit sarcastic!
Not yet told him theres no-one there....
You don’t need to bring him back to an empty house. That would be ridiculous.
Im fully expecting "But I've not seen your wife since last year, or I've not been to your house all year". It gets like a tick list exercise with him I feel sometimes.
He's started already "I havent see x" (my teenage son). What 16 yr old boy bothers with his grandad that much? Especially one as disinterested as Dad. Also the Aspergers doesnt help because my Dad just makes him feel awkward.
Of course, he sees my daughter regularly. Uninterested of course.
Remember his birthday? He was well put out my wife hadnt phoned him. Im sure he ha d tick list there of people who "should" have phoned him.
He'll probably point blank refuse to go to the restaurant and I'll give in now.
Can't you say "no" to your father and mean it, and not being shamed into doing something you know is useless? I mean, it's not like you have to say "my wife and children hate you because you are mean to them and you spoil their holidays". You just have to say "no, Dad, that's not what's on offer".
That's why you need to see a therapist. Do develop the skills to do this. Saying "no" to a parent is part of being a fully functional adult.
There isn’t a good reason to bring him back to your home. You’re a logical man who runs a successful business so I know that you have plenty of logic.
Use that same logic to instruct your dad that you will not bring him back to your home.
Don’t say, “Wouldn’t you rather this or that? It’s not a question. It’s a statement. It has to be a non negotiable statement.
Do you give in on all your business dealings? No you do not give in. Some situations are non negotiable.
When I young and my husband were planning our first vacation together as a married couple, his secretary asked him to give her a phone number that he could be reached at. This was before cell phones!
My husband looked at her and said, “ I can’t be reached. I’m going on vacation with my wife. She works hard at her job. I work hard at my job. This vacation is our time that we deserve together.”
His secretary was put off by his answer. She said, “Well, what if an emergency comes up?” He replied, “Ask someone else, I left everything in capable hands so there is absolutely no reason for you to know the name and phone number of the hotel we were staying at.”
That was that! He didn’t budge. Stay strong! Once you do it, it will become easier and you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner!
I have to say my husband is a handsome man but it was his confidence that drew me in. That kind of confidence and security is so attractive.