Always is when I go away for the weekend with my family...
You can guarantee when I come back he's "been ill". EVERY TIME. So I phoned him - first sentence "I've been ill". Like its my fault because I went away!
STILL not taking all his medication that the GP gave him so I offer ZERO sympathy. Basically, wants me to tell him how he can feel better - "Take the meds the GP has given you Dad, if that fails then go an see you're GP but I'm not a doctor."
His words - "I desperately need you to visit the weekend." "I've got no food in the house" (Brother lives literally 5 mins drive from him - I live 35-40 mins. Brother is probably laying low). Anyway, he knows my car is in the garage so I'm struggling for transport and he knows my wife works weekends so may need our other car. So I tell him I can't promise. Anyone would have thought I'd told him I'd murdered the family next door.
Apparently, I'm "letting him down" and "need to arrange something", and "wife needs to understand". Of course the standby offer of home delivery groceries is not good enough - he doesn't want to spend the £30 minimum - they have to be hand delivered by me!
I've tried setting boundaries, I've said no can do, I've tried ignoring, I've tried just not doing. Give him his due he's relentless in his quest to get me to do what he wants!
Not really - you have done a lot for him and offer to do more, but he refuses a lot of it and then has the nerve to complain about it. Our mother was on her on up to early 90's, only rarely asked for help with anything. When dementia kicked in, a little more, but not like your dad. We were not there every week or even every other (like for you, it is a long drive to get where she was living.) When we took the car away, visits to help with groceries were a must. I did try the delivery method once, but it would have been difficult to continue since she wasn't cooking at that point and relying on frozen dinners - don't want that sitting out! I also made extra meals and froze them so her frozen dinners would be better quality, but that was taking too much of my time to ensure she had enough meals. Even then she really didn't bug us to do this and that.
"...in florida end aug/sep. Havent told dad yet- it'll mean weeks of bad mood from him..."
Although the expression is for something else, it applies here too - Don't ask Don't tell!!! What he doesn't know about he can't complain about or change moods. Last minute he gets to know, if at all... So long as his REAL needs are covered before you go, all is good, for you!
Oh yes I wont tell him about the holiday until a few weeks before. Remember last year - I had the "I can;'t believe you're wasting money on another holiday", lol
Both of their attitude to money and work is weird. Its "life is so unfair on the working man".
Brother did a job for years where he sort of had to sort his own tax. So he didn't. Spent it all on beer pretty much.
Couple of years later, they're after him for £20K plus. Almost went to jail he did. I refused to help him.
Of course, he told Dad he didn't know, it was so unfair, he'd had no letters. Anyone with brain cell knew he'd pretty much just binned the letters for months and thought it'd go away.
Brother ended up being let off half of it. He did have to pay an accountant to sort the mess out. Dad attitude "that robbing accountant charged him £100 for a few hours work!". "How can people pay that?" Yeh welcome to the real world.
I had ZERO sympathy. My attitude is well I pay my tax, I pay for an accountant and I dont swill it all down in beer. So its come home to roost now.
I do find it funny but dad thinks I'm the devil incarnate because my "poor brother who works hard to pay his way has got to pay all this money back". "Another thing where the normal working man gets screwed by the establishment".
So you can see the attitude here is a bit small minded from them both!
I only told him two weeks before last year. Cue two weeks of "Im ill" and "dont know how I'm going to manage". Of course, he manages fine and is not ill at all.
Also, first phone call two days after I got to FL - "Don't worry but I've had to call the doctor out to visit" (he loves doing this). As I've said before I worried for about 2 seconds. Past performance has shown that Dad wakes up sneezes more than twice and hes on the phone to the doctor. (Who I wish would follow through with their promise to refuse any more home visits!)
So, before you tell dad anything, ask yourself: "Does he NEED to know about xyz?" If the answer is no, then apply the above policies.
I have found having that physical distance enormously helpful for perspective. For seeing the whole picture & how to plan my next steps.
Secondly, drop that time frame a bit on the holiday notice - don't give him enough time for him to develop a sniffle... especially not to develop into pneumonia! Just casually mention "Hey did I mention already we are having a week off?" Stay VAGUE on exact departure date (incase he sneezes & calls with the gulit trip).
Thirdly, stay CONFIDENT on message "you'll be fine... But if not, just get the Doctor to call".
Rinse & repeat as they say. Love that don't ask don't tell! Yes! Stay with the minimise drama approach & offer a solution. In fact the more he gets that Doctor to visit the better! If he becomes a pest, all the better still. The more he whines 'my family don't help me' 'I need this this & that' the Doctor will start his/her own broken record of *it's time to consider moving to assisted living*.
Lastly, enjoy your break :)
To be honest, unless I can get confirmed medical opinion that he is REALLY ILL I will be going anyway (or not coming home early). I've made my peace with the fact that there is a slight chance he may ultimately pass away when I've just gone away or still there. I won't feel bad about it at all to be honest.
Over the years, I've had so many false alarms, downright likes, and made up illnesses my conscience is clear. If I did ever do something like not go or come home early if I was a betting man I'd say, based on past performance,the chances of any illness being real and serious are about 50 to 1.
The tax thing was crazy. He went to the pub EVERY single night after work for years. Spent the lot. What was also funny was Dads attitude that the accountant was ripping him off too - I'm sure he thinks people work for £5 an hour.....
I was a bit annoyed because he owed £25K I think but half of that was fines and interest. They let him off ALL the fines and interest. Then they let him pay it back over 10 years.... Even then he and Dad though it was another attack on the poor working man.
I've run my own company and been self-employed. You have responsibilities. If you're too lazy/stupid to cope then stick with working for someone else. Told Dad that - he thinks I'm "stuck up" now lol.
Our mantra was "leave and have a good time: keep mom on ice till were back".
Every single time I visited her during those years, I was aware that this might be our last goodbye. We don't rush to deathbeds in my family. If you're there, that's nice, but I can talk to doctors over the phone just fine from wherever I happen to be.
As I said, with my Dad, if you believed him every time he thought he was dying you'd never leave his house anyway.
In all honesty, Dad would be fine. There is NOTHING that he NEEDS. Yes it'd be a bit fiddly and we might have to plan a little but it would be fine.
Only thing is he'd have to get off his backside and help himself a little... Puts it into perspective really.
On return I quit as Butler. She finally has that key box instead now for emergency access.
It took a while but I handed back the responsibilities that were not mine to begin with.
I'd put Dad getting to the Doctor, betting shop, his groceries, a drive to the country etc - in that category too - it's all HIS to own & organise. He acts like any responsibility in his life is yours - that's why his sons are so neglectful to go away - they are shirking their duty!
He may not want to take on his responsibilities & so will keep pushing it over to you. But you'll get better at batting it back to him - he'll either have to take it on or push it to someone else (brother & wife..) until they push back too.
Once I saw the light, I had no stress booking a holiday this year. Just went.
Of course, I'm from that background. Single parent, lived on council estate (social housing), very poor area and school. BUT went to college etc. and I got where I am today. It confuses him how I can be different!
Sorry his attitude to cab is he'd never pay fore one. working class people dont waste money like that. Only the rich.
He used to expect me to do hospital visits. Hes roped his cousin in now. I keep out of it. Can guarantee hes abusing that privilege.....
I've also made It clear I wont be doing the betting shop visit.
Even if he gets ill and ends up in the ER, there is still no reason for you to go or miss your vacation. You are not a doctor so what are you supposed to do except stand and stare at him. (Which I am sure he would love). Another classic from my family. My parents hadn't had a vacation in 10 years so they had a trip to Arizona planned. Of course my grandmother had to find a way to stop that. And for as bad as my father is she was 1000xs worse. She died....and my parents still went on their vacation. She had run them so ragged that they no longer cared. My uncle who lived in AZ came out here to run the funeral while my parents visited with his wife and my mom's family out west.
I can understand your parents letting your uncle handle funeral arrangements if they were the ones that did everything for mom.
Your parents needed rest and a change of scenery. I’m guessing that your uncle most likely hadn’t been very involved because he wasn’t nearby. He couldn’t be, so the children who are there become exhausted.
Yes even last holiday I had the "dont worry but I've had to call the doctor".
To be honest, the health professionals don't help. The ambulance service have asked him not to call unless its urgent, his GP has asked him not to request a home visit - but he still does it. They need to be firmer with him.
And dont me started about the District Nurse. He moans they turn up late and hes too late to go out to play Bowls then! I keep telling him Dad - if you can go to Bowls you can go to the surgery. Its for housebound people only (my wife is a DN). Doesn't care.
Now thats an interesting one - if he actually died a few days before I went. The awkward git would do that too! Do they charge storage charges in funeral homes? lol.
It would be such a relief if he would agree to living in a facility. Sad that he wants to be independent when he is getting older and will need more care as he ages.
Dad, as with all things, has got an idea in his head that "if you're family don't care they put you away in a home to die". Yes really that's what he thinks.
He told me about his friend the other day who had really advanced dementia. How sad it was that his wife could no longer cope and he'd "had to go away into a home". He even mentioned how ashamed she must be feeling and its a pity his kids didn't sort something else. Yep I just looked at him is disbelief!
Thing is he doesn't want to be independent. Never seen someone make so little effort. He wants to sit back, nothing change, spend no money and everyone do everything for him I'm afraid.
At the moment, he is fine. Perfectly capable of living alone with a little bit of effort on his part. That's where the problem is.
This is why you are so stable. You moved forward in the face of a challenge. The happiest people in life are those with a purpose.
You have always struck me as a responsible person who never ran away but rather faced situations head on.
I realize that we all face pain and challenges in life but some handle it better than others. I am one who could have handled things a lot better than I did. If I could go back and have a do over I would handle things quite differently.
I didn’t do things on purpose but I didn’t process my frustration very well. I didn’t take care of my needs like I should have. I sacrificed a lot and put my mother in front of my family at times which I am bothered by. I got stuck in feeling guilty, anxiety and depression for awhile.
It’s wonderful to see that in spite of a challenge that you moved forward in your life rather than becoming defeated by it. Good for you!